Summery: Alice has landed in another crackpot world where her father is out to kill her again, John is missing half a brain, Owen hasn't got a heart (what's new?), Tosh is dressed as a kinky lion, the Doctor and Donna are there and Ianto is in drag! Sort of inspired by Tin Man but mostly Wizard of Oz themes. Dedicated to Ellie who wanted another Captain John Hatter chapter and adores Hatter/Spike/John/Glitch from the many other fandoms. Oh and I was probably still not in my right mind while writing this.
Pairings: John/Alice, implied Jack/Gwen, Jack/Tosh, Owen/Tosh, Jack/Donna, 10Rose
It was all her father's fault.
Jack was chasing John around the Hub with a gun shooting bullets out everywhere while screaming 'not my daughter, bitch'. Alice couldn't help wonder how many times Jack had read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. But back to the point Jack was chasing her new found boyfriend who was completely sexy and at some point he tripped over some of Tosh's wires, landed on a large switchboard and pushed all the wrong buttons and suddenly the whole Hub shook.
Owen swore, Tosh screamed, Gwen let out a muffled shout and Ianto stood there silently looking mournful has his cup of coffee spilt over the floor. Suddenly something fell from the ceiling and hit Alice over the head.
Knocking her out.
Again.
So yes, all her father's fault.
TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW
Alice groaned as she woke up, slowly she stretched out and got up, checking herself for broken bones. Apart from a banging headache she was fine. The Hub however wasn't, wires were everywhere and the furniture was broken and scattered.
"Hello?" Alice called stepping over someone's computer. "Dad? Hatter? Ianto? Anyone here? Gwen? White Rabbit? Druggie guy? Anyone, please just answer me"
There was no answer. Apart from the quiet buzzing of some electrics the Hubs was completely silent.
"Fine then, I'm going home!" Alice shouted marching to the open door and walking out of a....
...a blue box.
Turning round Alice found herself staring a blue police box. She rubbed her eyes and stepped back in to find herself back in the Hub.
"Oh you're kidding me" she muttered running out. "It's bigger in the inside!" Then suddenly, the phone rang. Nervously Alice opened up the side compartment and picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Hello! This is the Doctor, if you can hear this then you must have messed with the rift again Jack Harkness and I am seriously, seriously disappointed with you. I will punish you severely for this – and you can stop whatever disgusting innuendo you're making, I have no interest in you my hearts are solely for one woman, and don't say Rose!
"It is Rose, you just won't admit it!" someone shouted on the other end.
"Everyone assumes it's Rose," the Doctor continued ignoring the other person, "but as much as I am.....anyway it's that I have dedicated myself to the TARDIS and will travel with her for the rest of my lives. The end. Back to the point if you can hear this then the rift has been ripped open (probably by you) and the TARDIS somehow merged with another being, very complex a sex addict like you won't grasp it. Anyway, I am in the rift with Donna and working on fixing it and I need you to stay. Where you. Are. You got that? You must stay where you are I don't want you creating some sort of hybrid species while I'm gone, I don't need another mess to fix. Allonsy!"
"He never trusted me or loved me enough to consider my feelings"
Alice whirled round to see her father dressed in his usual clothes with no sign of being a drag queen; thank goodness the nightmare from before still haunted her a bit. He looked rather angry and sad and disappointed all the same time.
"He seems a bit of a prat" Alice said airily in an attempt to cheer Jack up.
He smiled slightly. "He is" he agreed. "Now Alice, I'm afraid I have to kill you for killing my lover"
"What?!" Alice screeched. "I haven't done a damn thing, for god sake Dad why are you so eager to kill me? I'm your daughter! Is this because of Hatter? My god, you haven't killed him have you?"
"Nah" Jack said grinning. "I did something far worse. The little smarmy bastard will live for the rest of his days in a deserted barren wasteland. And you have done something young lady! You squashed Gwen with the TARDIS! What on Earth did she ever do to you?"
Alice whirled round to see a pair of black jeaned and white and black stripped socks appear under the TARDIS. "But it was your fault everything went weird!" she argued.
"And that gave you right to steal Gwen's ruby sneakers?"
"What?" Alice looked down to see her normal plain white trainers had been replaced by sparkling ruby ones. "Bit too glam, aren't they?"
"I brought them for her!" Jack roared. "Off with her head! Oh, wait wrong story....what does the Wicked Witch of the West say?"
A bright pink cloud of smoke exploded with a loud POOF! Choking on the poisonous colour Alice looked up to see Ianto Jones with his usual deadpan facial expression wearing a bright pink netted dress with sparkly tiara and lots of body glitter.
"I am Ianto, the Torchwood Fairy. Defender of all good people like Alice here who put poor Gwen out of her misery and out of the slimy hands of you Jack Harkness" Ianto recited in a monotone voice. "And if you dare make fun of me I'll castrate you, roast your balls and feed them to Janet for supper"
"Aren't you supposed to be the good guy?" both Alice and Jack asked.
Ianto waved his magic wand and two cups of coffee appeared. "I am, please enjoy your cup of coffee" Jack and Alice accepted them with a murmured thank you; Alice had to admit it was the best coffee she ever had it even beat Costa! Her father however passed out within a few seconds of draining the cup. She looked up wide eyed with fright at Ianto who smirked. "Don't worry; I only slipped in animal sedatives in his cup. He's gone off his rocker at the moment so I suggest you go down the yellow brick road to Emerald City where the Wizard lives. He's the only one who can control Jack but I most warn you he's a bit insane as well, my friend Donna whose his PA says he's nothing but a big outer-space dumbo who's on a constant sugar angst, whatever that means. Good luck Alice"
TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW
Alice wandered alone on the yellow brick road wondering if it was because her father told her too many stories that she has such a wild imagination that likes to break copyrights. A distant humming broke her out of her thoughts she looked round wildly and to her delight she found Captain John Hatter sitting on a fence humming to himself.
"Hello gorgeous" he said flirtatiously with a wink.
"Hatter! I was so worried, Dad said he did something to you" Alice said running to him and flinging her arms round his neck.
"Whoa, sorry darling but who are you?" he asked leaning back so he could look at her face. "And whose this Hatter guy? Is he sexy? Speaking of sexy I love those eyes of yours so if you want you can call me Hatter though my name is Glitch"
"Yes he's very sexy because he's you" Alice said. "What happened to you Hatter?"
"Well the Wicked Bastard of Torchwood, Jack, you know sexy but a right righteous git? He took my brain, well not all of it but half of it so no more memories and every once in a while I begin to repeat myself" Hatter unzipped his forehead. "See?" Alice leaned up and peered in to see only half of a pinkish blob left inside she breathed slowly in an attempt to calm herself down but she felt anger bubbling in her stomach, she wanted to shoot her father so much. Hatter shuddered. "Oh baby do that again, your breath does wonders for my nerves" she giggled let out several short breaths out causing him to cling tightly to her. "What do you say to public sex?"
"Maybe not just yet, how about lots of snogging and groping for now?" Alice suggested looking up at him beneath her eyelashes.
"Sounds great, great, great, great, great, gre-"
She cut him off with a kiss and it would have gotten into a good make out session if it wasn't for the stone someone threw at her head. "Oi! No doing that in front of me, don't we have an appointment with the Wizard?"
Alice turned round to see the drugged up idiot who was called Dr Harper if she remembered correctly. "Why are you here?" she asked rudely, irritated that another kiss had been interrupted.
"Your father stole my libido so I want to go to the Wizard dude and complain. Also Donna is a mate of mine and I need to pay her back for the insult she gave me last time I saw her. And Ianto asked that I keep an eye out and said if I don't he's cutting off my coffee privileges, tight bastard"
"I thought the Tin Man was supposed to have his heart missing?" John wondered out loud.
"Yeah well according to Jack and Ianto and Gwen apparently I don't have a heart. Oh and good job on squashing her she was becoming too annoying for my liking" Owen said looking irritated. "Now are you we going or not?"
"W-w-w-wait for me" a quiet stutter said behind them, they turned to see Tosh standing there shyly wearing a bright orange dress with matching lion tail and ears, she even had furry gloves and boots shaped as paws with black stitching to make the claws. "I-I-I-Ianto said that I should come and m-m-m-make sure Owen doesn't do anything s-s-s-s-s-stupid" she stuttered out.
"Ianto never trusts me" Owen grumbled.
"A-a-a-a-after the r-r-r-r-rift inc-c-c-dent who can b-b-blame him?"
"Why are you stuttering?" Hatter asked frowning.
"I-I-I-Ianto made me lots of c-c-c-c-c-coffee" Tosh said blushing madly. "I-I-I-I-I-I'm on an s-s-s-s-s-sugar high"
Owen rolled his eyes. "Idiot" he said fondly as he took her hand. "Now I have to make sure you don't do something stupid like walk into Jack's nefarious sex-orientated plans like the last time"
"Ooh big words" John teased.
Owen glared. "Yes well funny enough I actually have a brain"
"Hey! Leave him alone at least he's gorgeous and a fantastic snogger" Alice snarled glaring at Owen.
"Come on; let's just go before Jack wakes up"
TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW
The Emerald City looked nothing like emeralds. In fact it was very far off from looking remotely like an Emerald City. The city looked a lot like London, grey, large buildings, lots of people in various colours and lots of different memorials only these ones were all dedicated to different people like a Mickey Smith, Martha Jones, Sarah Jane, Jackie Tyler and a huge beautiful marble one dedicated to Rose Tyler, the Bad Wolf. There was even a temple dedicated to the Bad Wolf. Everywhere Alice turned she saw roses, lots of different coloured ones though mostly pink, she wondered if the people here were a little obsessed with the flower.
Owen and Tosh led them to a large bright blue building where the inside was cool due to air conditioning and rather empty apart from a large wooden desk that a redheaded woman sat looking bored.
"Daphne, my favourite airhead" Owen said cheerfully.
"Owen my least favourite twat" she replied just as cheerfully. "What can I do for you?"
"Well Ginger Spice, we need to see the Doctor about Jack. Gwen got squashed by the TARDIS and the poor girl here is being targeted"
"Well Weevil Face, you know the Doc's insane and Jack will get over it once he has his whiskey so what's the point?" the redhead asked.
"Look I don't want the Doctor, I want the Wizard who can get rid off my homicidal father and send me back to my baby boy, oh and return Hatter's missing brain"
The redhead sighed. "Sweetie, no man has a brain it's an unfortunate fact of life, take a look at Zombie Breath over there. Also the Doctor is the Wizard, the Wizard is what the local people call him because I stupidly said 'well isn't that wizard?' when we first landed. Also Jack is a darling really he probably just got high again, the Doctor has gone permanently high as well it's something in the air. That's why we're filled with roses, he's so high that he thinks if he makes this town a memorial for Rose and the others they'll come back" she rolled her eyes. "Moron" she muttered. "So the best you can do is give Jack this whiskey," she pulled out a large bottle of alcohol from under her desk, "and tell him that Donna's room is on the third floor, fifth window from the right and she's waiting in green silk undies"
Alice numbly took the bottle feeling revolted that someone actually wants to sleep with her father. Owen snorted. "You have terrible taste Donna; don't you remember that he seduced poor Tosh out of her wits? That he tried it on me? And not to mention Gwen and Ianto and birdbrain over there"
Hatter had taken to humming to himself again and ignored Owen's jab at him. "You're just jealous that he shagged Tosh before you could" Donna said unnerved. "Besides Twat-Boy you've forgotten that I have shagged worse before. Now scat, I'm waiting for a phone call"
"Well thanks for nothing Annie" Owen spat out as they left the building, he snatched the whiskey bottle from Alice and ripped it open causing a strange champagne like affect as Alice got drenched in whiskey...
TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW
Alice woke up drenched with Owen looking smug and Ianto looking disapprovingly. "That was unnecessary Owen" he chided.
"It worked" Owen said uncaringly.
Alice shot up. "Where's Hatter?" she asked worriedly scanning the room for him only to find no one but her, Owen and Ianto.
"John Hart, you mean?" Owen said looking disgusted. "The bastard left after the earthquake and probably won't be back for another decade. Good riddance, you had another nasty hit and probably have a concussion so I advise you to-"
"ALICE!" the door was thrown open as Jack entered. "I was so worried about you, are you o-"
"Stay away from me!" Alice yelped jumping out of the bed. "All of you! You're all mad! I want nothing to do with you ever again!"
She then ran out of the Hub with Jack chasing after her.
"Alice come back to Daddy!" he can explain I promise, Alice don't leave me!" he wailed.
The Torchwood team all face palmed.