I'm sorry, I don't mean to keep going away on such long breaks :o(. Sometimes it's unavoidable, and sometimes it's because I want to take more time to develop the story. I have a pretty good idea of where this is going to go, so *hopefully* it won't take me quite so long to update next time. Not quite sure how much is left. It could be another 2 chapters, or it could be another 10. Either way, story will be finished!
Thanks for all the reviews! I love reading them and hearing your reactions and suggestions. They're all such good ideas! The feedback is phenomenal, and sometimes it makes me consider new perspectives I hadn't thought about. Soooo, keep them coming!
Chapter 10: Moving On
"Ise-fukutaichō! Update on Karakura: the Arrancar are consolidating their two fronts. The eleventh and third divisions have closed ranks to push them away from the town. Hinamori-fukutaichō sent word that she is at the castle but nothing out of the ordinary has been spotted."
Nanao listened dispassionately to third-seat Kotetsu's report.
"Have you heard from the twelfth or central command yet about developing a method to send the invasion back to the real world or to Hueco Mundo?" she asked calmly.
"Not yet, but they have not yet checked in. With your permission, I will go to central command presently and ask for an update."
Nanao glanced at Kotetsu Kiyone out of the corner of her eye. The girl knelt a few meters behind her. Her head was bowed, but it was clear she was doing her best not to stare at the blood spills from where Nanao had lain not long before.
"Yes, please do that," she replied. "Before reporting back to me, please check in with all divisional third seats and get an estimate on casualties. Also, inform Kusajishi-fukutaichō that I require an update on the status of Rukongai. Ask her to bring a visual recording as well. I need to see the destruction for myself."
Kiyone shouted her acquiescence and flashed from sight. Nanao looked at the model. Yachiru's piece had changed only a little in the past hour, but now it appeared she was on the move. Hopefully she was aiding the twelfth and sixth in combing for hidden Hollows. There were also the local militias to take into consideration as well. Nanao picked up a shōgi piece and informed the tenth to be on standby. If the Rukongai battle was settled, at least for now, then she needed the twelfth to return to their headquarters and work on both defenses and ways to drive the invaders out. If all was clear, the tenth could replace them.
The castle still worried her. If the Arrancar Sun-Sun was really there, surely she would have been spotted. Without notification, perhaps she could go unnoticed. However, Nanao had warned the divisions and defenses around the castle. Or, rather, she had heard Hinamori warn them. A nervous doubt arose in Nanao as she realized that she had also sent the troubled vice-captain to help root the Arrancar out. She did not want to doubt Hinamori's loyalties more than she already had, particularly in light of the scenario that had just played out between them, but nonetheless it could not hurt to check in. She picked up the piece for the second division and asked lightly if there was any news of the Arrancar believed to be lurking in the area. She recognized the voice that replied. It was indeed the second division's third chair. He expressed no surprise at her words. Instead, he merely replied that, no, nothing out of the ordinary had been found, but that patrols had been increased.
An uneasy feeling rose up in Nanao as she replaced the game piece on the model. It did not make sense. Lilinette had said that Sun-Sun would be there. Therefore, that meant that she would be… didn't it? With a jolt Nanao realized a rather significant flaw to her zampakutō's power. It forced the truth out of anyone it entered, however, all it required was the truth as far as its opponent was concerned. It had no power over actualities. In other words, as far as Lilinette knew, Sun-Sun had been sent to the castle. That hardly meant that she had actually gone. Perhaps she had rebelled, or been injured, or been given other instructions. Perhaps Aizen had foreseen Nanao's powers and made sure that Lilinette purposely overheard incorrect information and would be in such a place to be accosted by Nanao. Perhaps she was falling into a trap.
With a moan, Nanao lowered her head. Once anyone knew of her power, it was easy to exploit by simply planting misleading data. There was no guarantee that what she had learned from Lilinette would actually play out that way. Inasmuch as what she had learned could be very useful, it could be equally as damaging. So, the question now became: did she continue to keep divisions on the search for Sun-Sun around the palace, or did she split them up and send them about Soul Society to see if she had gone elsewhere? If she chose the former, it could all be a fruitless, division tactic. Sun-Sun could actually be far away and completely undetected. If she chose the latter option, the palace could be left vulnerable to attack or infiltration. Nanao reached up and ran a hand over her ragged face. In the end, her powers and the emotional trauma she had put Lilinette (and indeed herself) through could be utterly worthless.
"It isn't easy, is it?"
Nanao closed her eyes. This was the last thing she wanted to deal with. She felt a flash of rage swell through her. She contained it, but the eyes she turned to look upon Morrigan were filled with hate.
"You tricked me."
"I never did," Morrigan replied evenly. "You tricked yourself into believing you had bankai. You must have seen how weak it was. Some powers you have attained, but you do not fully possess it."
Nanao simply looked at her, waiting for Morrigan's calm exterior to break. Surely she would laugh or somehow show some sort of emotion betraying that she had gotten the better of Nanao. Surely she was here to gloat.
"You still don't understand," the young woman continued.
"What more would you have me do?" Nanao spit out. "You caused me to do a cruel and horrible thing. And for what? Information that might be worthless? A tainted conscience? A poor girl who has to live with a violated mind?"
"I told you: without conquering your bankai, the people around you will get hurt. You do not understand the full weight of your powers yet."
"I understand enough!" Nanao retorted bitterly. "I understand it is nothing I want. I'd rather have no powers than these."
Morrigan reached out with her free hand to grab Nanao's arm. Nanao looked at her face with surprise and saw urgency in Morrigan's eyes.
"Yes, it can be misused. It can be abused. What you have seen is only a part of what you can do, and it is a terrible responsibility. You have seen firsthand the possibilities. But that is not all."
"Oh, what else? The increased vision? How I can see battles occurring far away? The changes to my shunpō? Is that what you mean?"
Morrigan smiled confusedly and shook her head. "Those are quite minor. What you have experienced so far are side effects alone. You must continue going."
"I'm sure you would like that. How long until I can no longer control my own soul?" Nanao demanded.
"Forever, as long as you keep possession of it. You are not in danger of losing it, at least not to me."
"It sure seems like I lost it earlier!"
Morrigan released her arm and turned away. She was clearly agitated as she walked aimlessly through the room before swirling around to face Nanao again.
"You do not trust yourself," she finally said. "I am not the first person to have told you this, and you know it. And it's true. What happened before is a sign of the lack of control you have over yourself. It can happen from time to time in the course of gaining control of your powers and your bankai. Most shinigami who have reached the point of achieving bankai have already struggled and come to terms with their own demons within. You have not. You have reached this point through sheer determination and innate ability alone. You command yourself with an iron will that has allowed you to come very far in a fairly short period of time. However, this control has split yourself into two parts. The part that you have more trouble controlling you have locked away and ignored. But it is all you! These are all facets to your personality!"
"Are you suggesting this 'locked away part' took control? And that is why I attacked Lilinette like that?" Nanao asked skeptically.
Morrigan thought for a while and changed tactics. "You have seen for yourself that you are capable of cruelty as well as kindness. Yes, congratulations, those emotions are part of being alive," she said with a scoffing laugh and a sardonic smile. "The healthy thing to do is to acknowledge the good and the bad and gain control over yourself that way. Denying pieces of you only makes them erratic. When you lowered your defenses and called forth your bankai, your internal pendulum swung too far. You lost your equanimity. That is why you acted as you did. Equanimity comes not from all that is good and honorable, but from a mixture of the qualities you like and the qualities you dislike. They are equal. They are you. You are rational and irrational. You are emotional and unemotional. You are kind and unkind. You are every extreme and everything in between. That is how people are. Balance will occur one way or another; if you put too much stress on one side and neglect the other, eventually you will lose control in favor of reclaiming balance."
Nanao's brow knitted as she tried to understand Morrigan's words. "You are saying that I do not have control over all my feelings… because I have too much control?"
"Too much command. You deny half of who you are. That is why you have not fully achieved bankai yet. That is why you lost control of your reason as you did."
Nanao folded her arms and raised an eyebrow. "And this is all because I do not trust myself?"
"That's right. You do not trust that, on instinct, you will behave according to your inner spirit. You are afraid of what you are capable of and keep tight watch over your actions and behaviors. That has finally started breaking down lately because of your changing relationship with your captain. And now it is affecting the relationship you have with yourself."
Nanao walked over to Yamamoto's desk and sat down. This was too confusing. She felt she could understand a basic truth lying within Morrigan's confusing words, but was not certain.
"So… if I let down my barriers, let go of all control, call forth bankai and just act on instinct… it will all work out?" The skepticism was clear in her voice.
Morrigan shrugged. "Perhaps it won't. But if you don't, your power most assuredly will come out. Bankai will be attained, either as a Shinigami… or as a Hollow."
Nanao felt a finger of cold stretch down her spine as the blood drained from her face. Sensing that her point had been made, Morrigan faded away. Nanao turned back to the model before her. The stakes were the same, yet were direr than she had imagined. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply as she worked to get her fluttering heart under control. Opening her eyes, Nanao looked again at the board. She had not failed yet – that was important to remember. In fact, overall, things seemed quite good. Two of the three Arrancar were accounted for. Karakura was still secure. Despite all odds, Rukongai was relatively undamaged.
Surely they were close to resecuring Soul Society. If they could merely manage to keep the Hollows and Espada out until the captains and vice-captains in the real world had finished their duties and returned, this would be a success. At that time, Nanao could ask Kyōraku-taichō for help with her bankai. She would take care of what she needed to take care of. It would all come out right. She just needed to complete this battle.
Nanao straightened her back and smiled. This was the most peaceful she had felt since Kyōraku had left. She could see this to the end, and then things would go back to the way they were before. She could be where she was supposed to be – by his side and supporting his command.
What Nanao did not know was that another pair of eyes watched her from the shadows.