"That's rich, EJ! You giving me fathering lessons!" "Of course! Because the fact that I fought with my own wife, for the sake for your son means nothing! He jumped, Lucas. He actually did, it wasn't just a threat. You have to choose, now between having a gay son or no son at all. He may try again or he may leave. I don't want Samantha to lose a son. I don't want Will to suffer uselessly!" "I do accept him now! I just don't want to see him kiss a man! I have my sensitivity too!" "So your daughter will be allowed to kiss in public but not Will?" I'm standing in the doorway. They are barking their rightfulness at each other and I want them to stop. I yell. They turn their head at the same time. In their eyes, I can see the caring but also the competition. The need to control. "Dad, I need to talk to you, now. And thank you EJ, for your support, but can you take a step back for a moment?"
While I talk with dad, I can see the beach through the window. The children are still out there. I'm taking so much room. Their holidays are ruined, so are Sonny's. I have to make peace. For the New Year, for the party, for my family, for me. So I ask dad "Do you think I'm still your son?" I can' t pronounce the world. Love.
I walk back in with the kids. Is he still behind the house? Allie shouts "Dad!" and runs inside. I go to the kitchen. EJ takes his children in his arms and says "When you're grown-ups, you can love whoever you want. I'll still love you, you know that?" Johnny says "I love mommy!" In the jubilant atmosphere, I hear my name. It's a whisper but it echoes in my skull. I walk to the couch. Will is lying on it. His father is standing by the fire, his hand on the mantle. His breathing is heavy. "It's OK, you two can date. I'll manage." I didn't expect that. I wait for Will to explain he was just making a point. The silence is vociferous. Will's face is rigid with fear. What did he tell his dad exactly?
It slipped out my mouth earlier. Now they both now how I feel and I'm powerless against the tide of my life, bringing in someone, taking away another, on and on. Sonny's eyes are closed. I'll lose him, the melody that he brought in my heart. I can't look away. I feel like on a train heading for a crash, unable to jump.
He's looking at dad, not at me. He's so beautiful, I don't want to listen to his kind words. I don't want to see his kind smile, that is not really for me. I lay my head and on the ceiling, there's a spider's web. The sun beam from the windows is passing through it, making it shine with tiny little diamonds of light. I remember what he said about spiders. About me being sweet.
"Thank you Lucas. I intend to do that. If Will wants me, that is." My chest is open and overflowing. I can't move. I want to cry. His voice is different and doubtful. He doesn't know he has saved me from despair and now I will only die to save him.
"Sonny, why are you still there? You should be packing! We're leaving soon." Of course. She's his mother and she knows I'm broken. She won't want me with him. She'll fight. I can't do that to him. "Go do that, Sonny. I don't want to make you waste your time. You don't have to be so nice for me. I'll explain dad what it really is."
I'm in my bedroom, my bag is open and I can't fill it. There's one shirt in it. The one I wore when I found him. When my heart betrayed me. He doesn't want me. He's just grateful... I'm not crying. I take the bag and throw it on the wall. It falls on the planks in a smooth heap.
"You don't have to leave you know." I turn to dad. He looks tired. "It's hard, dad. I thought I was helping him and now I want him in my life but he isn't ready. Or maybe he'll never like me, not like that." "I've talked to your mother, Son. I told her that if you chose to stay, I would too. You need Will as much as he needs you." And I remember. How strong he was that night. He pushed me away, told me to go and he's doing it again. "Thanks dad, I'll stay. Can you help me with something?"
"I love you Will. I'm sorry I reacted that way." "It's OK, dad. I needed to know that." He's hugging me and I'm not better. His cell is ringing. "Sorry Will, it's very important I take this. I'll be back soon."
Syd has taken her toy xylophone. I can hear her playing from here. She's gotten good at it. And always hitting the same note. I follow the sound outside. She isn't there. There is no instrument either. Just a wind chime hanging from the porch. The notes it's making are clear as water. They speak of hope and beauty. The metal shimmers and I can see him a few feet away. He's holding his hand "You want to go for a walk, Will? There's something I need to you to know."