Joker was waiting at the airlock when they arrived. Miranda seemed to sense that her presence was not required and swept away without a word. Garrus and Shepard had been standing very close together, and her face was pressed into his chest. As soon as Miranda was safely out of the way, her bottom lip began to tremble.
Joker couldn't think of anything to say. Shepard had trusted that Kaidan would always be there for her. They had all expected him to be unhappy about Cerberus. But he had been downright cruel to her. Joker had watched on the monitors, watching the feed from Garrus' suit with a tight knot in his stomach. The moment when he had walked away and Shepard had turned back to Garrus, looking absolutely lost, would haunt him forever.
At a loss, he opened his arms for the first time in a long time. Shepard threw herself into his embrace without encouragement. Her armour was hard and uncomfortable against his body. She buried her face into his shoulder and he felt her shoulders shake as she cried.
He met Garrus' gaze over her head and saw that he was feeling just as helpless as Joker.
Eventually, she drew away. Her cheeks were wet and flushed with embarrassment. "I'm so sorry. That wasn't very Commander-ly of me."
"You don't have to be the Commander with us," Garrus said softly.
She looked back at him gratefully. "I need to go talk to the Illusive Man and have a shower." She touched Joker on the arm before heading off.
Joker looked at Garrus. "So. That could have gone better."
"No kidding." Garrus shook his head. "I really wanted to shoot him."
"I still really want to shoot him."
Later, sat in the pilot's chair, Joker was getting more and more wound up and annoyed as he thought of Kaidan. He found himself clenching and unclenching his fists as he remembered Shepard throwing herself into his arms and sobbing.
"Jeff, you seem to be very agitated." EDI's blue orb appeared beside him.
"It's Kaidan Alenko." He clenched his teeth. "I'm not confiding my feelings to the ship, EDI, sorry. Even I'm not that much of a fan of the Normandy."
There was a pause. "Is there anything I can do, Jeff?"
"Can you get establish a comm link to Kaidan Alenko?" The words were out of his mouth before he realised that he was going to say them.
Another, longer, pause. Then EDI said, "Connection established."
The blue orb was replaced by Kaidan's face, looking wary. "Who's there? Joker, is that you?"
A rush of emotion, angry and hurt, threatened to burst out of Joker, and he focused hard to keep calm. "It's Joker. I felt like I had to talk to you after today."
"There's nothing else to say."
Joker hated his pompous, self-assured voice. He ground his teeth furiously. "Nobody else is going to tell you this, Kaidan, but you're a complete asshole."
"Don't pretend you're with her because you agree with what's she doing," Kaidan said, in an annoyingly calm voice. "You're with her because you feel guilty."
Joker hesitated, momentarily at a loss. The guilt he had felt after Shepard had died had been overwhelming. But that wasn't why he was here now. "I do feel guilty about what happened. I can't lie about that. But I'm here because Shepard is my friend and she needs me."
"She doesn't need anyone, and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise."
Joker clenched his fists again. "No offence, Kaidan, but you didn't see the state of her after she came aboard after we left you. I always used to think you were this great guy, but you're such an arrogant, pompous asshole it's unreal. She loves you. It's been two years for you, but for her it's been a few weeks since she last saw you."
"I understand that, but the situation has changed. My Shepard wouldn't have worked with terrorists."
"Your Shepard? You arrogant-"
"Joker, really. This conversation is pointless." Kaidan looked so unruffled, so unaffected.
Joker imagined Shepard crying in the shower and let out a guttural growl. "I swear, Alenko, if you ever hurt her like that again, I'm gonna-"
"What? Are you threatening me, Joker?"
Kaidan's voice was amused. Amused. Joker felt, for a moment, blinding, helpless rage. He was a useless cripple. Nobody would ever take his threats seriously, especially not a biotic war hero. Just as he was about to lose control completely, he felt his seat sink slightly as someone leaned an arm on the back of it, leaning down so that his face was visible to Kaidan too.
"Joker's not threatening you, Kaidan." Garrus' tone was cool and deadly. "We're all threatening you. Joker, Kasumi Goto, the master thief, Zaeed Massani, the veteran merc, Subject Zero, the biotic badass, Mordin Solus, the brillian salarian professor, Jacob Taylor and Miranda Lawson, the elite Cerberus operatives and even Grunt, Shepard's pet baby krogan." Garrus let out a dry chuckle. "Oh, and myself, of course, old friend."
Kaidan had visibly paled. "I- what?"
"Shepard is our friend. She matters to us. If you ever hurt her again, you'll know about it. We're going to destroy the Collectors and then we'll swing by and see you afterwards if we have to."
Kaidan didn't reply, merely looked horrified.
"EDI, lose this channel," Joker said, barely able to contain his laughter. Kaidan's face vanished. Joker spun to face Garrus, grinning. "Thanks, Garrus."
Garrus gave a small mock-bow. "Any time, Joker. I was already annoyed at him. When I heard him laughing at you... Not that I think you needed saving, of course."
"High five, Garrus." Joker offered Garrus his palm. When the turian looked confused, Joker carefully took his hand with his other one and bumped it against his raised palm.
"We make a good team," Garrus said.
"You sure told him."
EDI flickered into life. "You neglected to mention me, Garrus. If Commander Alenko hurts Shepard again, I will be proud to go against him with you."
Garrus and Joker looked at each other and burst out laughing. Joker touched the console near the orb with fondness for the first time. "Thanks, EDI."
Shepard came onto the bridge then. She strode straight up to the cockpit, wearing sweats and a t-shirt. Her hair was still damp from her shower. She was clutching a six-pack of beer.
"What are you all laughing at?" she asked with a shaky smile.
"Just EDI," Garrus said.
Joker eyed up the beer. "Shepard, I don't think you've ever looked more beautiful than you do right now."
"Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr Moreau," she replied, offering him a bottle. He took it gratefully, twisting it open and taking a long drink. She offered Garrus a bottle. "I don't know if you like human beer, Garrus, but you're welcome to have some."
Garrus took it, opening it awkwardly. The image made Joker burst out laughing again. He already felt drunk, intoxicated, high. It took him a moment to realise that it was because he felt that he belonged. Shepard had cuddled into him when she was upset. Garrus had come to his assistance when he had needed it. A warm glow filled him.
"What are we celebrating?" he asked. "Is it turian Christmas? Asari Christmas?"
Shepard flopped down in the other chair. "Does any species have a day where we celebrate ex-boyfriends being assholes?"
"The krogan probably do," Garrus said drily.
Shepard took a long drink. "I knew Kaidan would be angry with me. I just didn't expect him to be so cruel. I expected better of him."
"He just loves authority. He loves doing the right thing." Joker drained his bottle quickly. "EDI, you're probably going to have to take over the piloting aspect of my job right now."
"How drunk are you planning on getting?" Shepard asked, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.
"Very. Come on, you two." Joker stood up with difficulty. An idea had occurred to him, irresistible in its simplicity and brilliance.
"Where are we going? What are we doing?" Garrus asked, steadying Joker gently.
"We're going to get loaded, and we're going to have a good time. We're going to have a party."
Garrus glanced to Shepard for permission, but she was already grinning.
"EDI, I want to send a message to the whole crew." Shepard cleared her throat, and when she spoke again, her voice echoed around the whole Normandy. "Normandy, this is Shepard. We need your help with a critical mission. Bring any alcohol you can find on this godforsaken ship and head to the communications room. Shepard out."
Joker threw his arm around her shoulder. "I love you, Shepard."
She laughed. The three of them staggered to the communications room, Garrus carrying the remaining beer. It was good to see Shepard looking happier.
They arrived in to see Mordin waiting for them, clutching a bottle of ominously bright purple liquid. He smiled as he saw them.
"Shepard, agree that this is a very critical mission of the utmost importance," he said.
"EDI, get us some music in here," Joker said.
Old Earth rock music blared out suddenly. Joker offered the nearest camera a thumbs-up. The door opened smoothly to reveal Kasumi, Kelly Chambers, Daniels and Donnelly. They were all holding bottles.
"This is fantastic," Kasumi said.
Joker sat down and Garrus passed him another bottle. Chambers had tugged Shepard and Daniels up onto the table and they were dancing. Shepard's dance moves were still bizarrely terrible. He found himself laughing at her. She met his gaze and stuck her tongue out at him.
"How did you know this would cheer Shep up?" Kasumi asked, her voice close to his ear, and he jumped.
"Shit, Kasumi, stop doing that!" Joker gave her a firm look. "Anyway, I knew it would work because, very deep down, Shepard's just as human as the rest of us."
"Very poetic, Joker," Kasumi laughed.
Jacob arrived then, and Joker saw that his eyes looked for Kasumi straight away. He shoved her gently in the shoulder. "Mr Taylor's looking for you."
"Of course he is." She cloaked then, vanishing, and Joker rolled his eyes at Jacob.
Garrus was doing shots with Mordin, barking out laughter loudly. Donnelly had tugged Daniels away from Shepard and Chambers and they were giggling. Joker felt the warm feeling in him expanding. If he kept going like this, he was going to have lost his trademark cynicism by the end of the evening.
Miranda arrived, eyes full of fire. She stood in the doorway, folding her arms and glaring around. "What the hell is going on here?"
"Operative Lawson!" Garrus, clearly intoxicated, walked over to her. "It's so nice to see you. Thank you for coming to the party. You look particularly radiant this evening." And then, to general amazement, he grabbed her hand and tugged her close, dancing with her.
Miranda let out a reluctant laugh and allowed herself to be dipped and spun by Garrus. It was obvious that she wasn't used to social company, or to people wanting to be friendly with her. She looked awkward but pleased. Joker wondered if he wasn't the only person whose cynicism was quickly fading.
"Looks like being a failed turian vigilante is quite appealing to the ladies, after all," Joker said to nobody in particular.
The final guests were Dr Chakwas, Grunt, Zaeed and Jack. Jack's eyes were alight with mischief as she approached Joker.
"This your idea, Joker?" she asked, sitting down beside him and offering him some glowing blue liquid.
He took it reluctantly and downed it, shuddering at the burning taste. "Of course. Jesus, Jack what was that?" His vision blurred.
Her amused brown eyes swam in and out of focus. "Shit, Joker, I'd heard you were good at holding your drink."
Time passed in a strange mess after that. Shepard came and sat with him for a bit, talking about Kaidan, but he could hardly understand what she was saying. He settled for patting her on the head. That would cheer her up.
Kasumi and Jacob thrilled the assembled guests by kissing enthusiastically in the corner. Garrus was teaching Grunt how to dance.
EDI appeared near Joker's arm. "This gathering appears to be pleasing to the crew," she observed.
"Indeed, EDI. Indeed." He reached out to pat her on the head, too, but his fingers passed through her holographic orb. This made him feel very sad.
"What is wrong, Jeff?" she asked.
"Not real. You're not real. It's so unfair. I quite like you, sometimes." He closed his eyes.
"The feeling is mutual, Jeff."
He laughed uncontrollably at that, vaguely aware that he was in danger of snapping a rib if he continued like this.
He opened his eyes later, to find that Shepard was asleep, her head tucked under his chin. She was snoring. He blinked, confused. The party had settled down. Jack, Zaeed, Grunt were sitting on the table, drinking a suspiciously bright liquid. Mordin was watching them, fascinated. Kasumi and Jacob had vanished. Garrus was asleep in the corner, surrounded by bottles. Donnelly and Daniels were talking quietly nearby with Dr Chakwas. Miranda was sitting near Joker, drinking a cup of coffee and looking annoyingly perky, talking to Chambers.
"Hey, Shepard," he murmured, giving her a gentle nudge. "Wake up, Commander."
She muttered something and snuggled in closer.
"Shepard, come on," he complained, trying to wake her. "I'm fragile and this is really uncomfortable." His head was really very tender.
"Kaidan," she said quietly.
He frowned, his heart aching at the thought of how she must feel. He stroked her silky hair absent-mindedly. "Shepard, you need to go to bed. Kaidan's not here."
Grunt staggered over. "Is Shepard ok?" he demanded.
"She needs to go to bed, Grunt. I just can't move her." Joker looked up at him with some trepidation. Shepard insisted that the krogan was fine, but he was so huge.
"I will take her," Grunt said, lifting Shepard and slinging her over his shoulder. She didn't stir.
"Careful! She's the commander, not a sack of potatoes, Grunt!"
"Pototoes?" Grunt looked confused, then shrugged. "I will take her to her quarters."
"I will come with you," Chakwas said to him. "Just to make sure she's ok." She winked at Joker.