Thank you to everyone who has read and a big thank you to those who have reviewed it. This is the last chapter. So glad this never happened on Rush as you can guess Kerry was my favourite character along with Lawson
….
Walking out to the deck, a beer in his hand, he had spent his days at the pub, drinking on the verandah, with the occasional walk along the beach. He knew no one would find him here, a secluded spot, that is why they came here 4 years ago, they walked along the beach, holding hands, his arm pulling her against him kissing her before walking again, their feet bare kicking the sand and walking along the edge of the waves. They sat on the beach one night, her against his chest as they watched the sunset his arms firmly around her, he felt her body against his, his head resting on hers. It was only one weekend, but it was one of the most special he wished it had lasted longer, but reality had set in, it wouldn't work between them. Lying in bed, listening as the waves lapped against the sand, he could still feel her lips against his, her touch was so gentle, she cradled his face in her hand, there eyes just staring at each other. Throwing the can against the railing, anger filling him again, her death was just so senseless, he was going to make sure Boyd paid for it, he was not going to get away with it.
Walking along the path to the pub, he knew no one would recognise him, even if they saw him, he hadn't shaved in the 2 weeks he had been here, the beard had grown, he hadn't even thought of Tactical Response he didn't want to, he was sure they would of appointed someone else, they wouldn't even let Kerry be dead for a day or so before they had someone in there.
Stumbling out of the pub, walking the few 100 metres back to the caravan park, what meaning did life have, he had lost one of the most special person in his life, he hadn't even told her how much she meant to him why couldn't he have saved her, why couldn't he have done more, he didn't do enough that was all there was to it, and now she was dead and it was his fault.
Waking up the next morning, rolling over, trying to focus, who was in the bed with him, closing his eyes, the memory coming back, walking back from the pub not watching where he is going, bumping into someone, looking up at them, seeing them looking at him concern in their eyes there was something there something so similar that he felt drawn to her "you ok" nodding at them, he can't say anything seeing their eyes staring at him, they were so blue, and her hair brown down to her shoulders her voice soft and gentle. Walking back to the cabin, inviting them inside, the bottles of wines being drunk how many did they drink.
Getting up off the bed, pulling on some clothes, walking out to the ocean, he should feel guilty but he doesn't he cheated on Shannon, did he even still want to be with her, did he want much, did he want to go back to TR, he had no idea what he wanted to do, he said to Kerry once he would never leave Tactical Response, he put it together, hearing a noise watching as the door slides open, watching as she walks out standing next to him on the verandah looking out over the ocean "I never tire of looking over the sea or walking along the beach it is just so beautiful down here" picking up her shoes to walk away she knew it was a one night stand there was a reason that they were together and even though she would never see him again she felt for him the pain he was in walking down the steps of the cabin turning to look at him "Lawson, you need to go back to Tactical Response" looking at her, what did he say last night "you will regret it" before walking away. Staring after her shit, what did he say to her, he is normally such a private person not telling anyone his work.
Walking along the beach the a couple of days later, he sees her sitting on the sand, smiling up at him "You still here?" nodding at her he felt something being here a closeness to Kerry "I can't go back" seeing her pick up her things not looking at him totally until she stands up her voice soft "she must have been one special person this Kerry, you must of really loved her" surprise on his face shit what did he say seeing her face him "I don't know you Lawson, but from what you said the other night, you need to go back and take charge of Tactical Response, do what she loved doing, don't let it go to waste, you can still keep her memory alive, or you can continue here drinking and doing nothing. Its up to you, from what you said she wouldn't want you doing this to yourself go back and keep it going" walking on turning around "you will regret it if you don't" before walking away. Watching her walk away who was she why did he open up to her, calling out her name suddenly coming to him "Katie….. thanks"
…..
Knocking on Shannon's door a week later, seeing her look at him, he wondered what sort of reception he would get, he hadn't called or spoken to her in 6 weeks, he knew he should have.
Seeing the door open, her face showing nothing "Can I come in?" nodding at Lawson, hiding the surprise he looked good, she didn't know what to expect.
Walking over to the lounge, looking at Shannon, "I'm sorry Shan, for just taking off like that" he couldn't explain it to her, he couldn't explain it all to himself he didn't want to think about it "I'm taking over Tactical Response" surprise on her face, she should of known, where did it leave them, he didn't even discuss it with her "when did all of this happen, when do you start?" looking at Shannon "a few days ago, I went to HQ and found out yesterday" trying to hide the anger in her voice, he had taken off, no word from him, then comes and expects her to be happy for him "your telling me this now, you took off Lawson without a word, I have heard nothing from you in 6 weeks, no phone call, no message, nothing, you expect me to be happy for you" .
Looking at Shannon, he should be sorry, but he had to do it "I can't explain it to you Shan, it was something I needed to do" her eyes glaring at his "anyone would think you were in love with her Lawson, that you had lost someone who meant a lot to you, I'm your girlfriend how do you think all of this made me feel, I'm the one you are meant to want to be with" his eyes slightly down, he had come to realise a lot, Katie said some things that made him think "I hope you sorted it out Lawson"
Standing up looking at Shannon "There is no easy way to do this, I can't do this anymore, Shan I do love you, but I need to take this job, we can't be together anymore, I'm sorry"
Staring at Lawson her mouth open, she shouldn't be surprised, but she is "Your choosing the job over me"
Nodding at her, he has to do this, he has to do it for Kerry, Shannon is still here, and maybe in the future, but for now, this is what he has to do "its not like that, it is something I have to do…. Do you remember when you pushed me away, saying nothing, I didn't push you then Shan, I gave you your space not asking questions, I need to do this now for me and for Kerry"
Getting up off the chair her eyes fixed on Lawson "Why do you always choose her over me, were you in love with her"
Walking away from her not answering her question "this is something I have to do Shan"
….
Walking over to her grave, placing the flowers neatly on it, he can't believe it has been 8 months since she died, it sometimes still felt like yesterday, Boyd's trial to start soon.
Staring at the grave with the headstone now there, where was he to start "I got rid of Charlie for you Kerry, guess you probably know I'm now in charge of Tactical Response" giving a short laugh, he could imagine her response to that "I miss being out on the road sometimes, Josh is a senior sergeant now, Tash keeps him under control, Tash is expecting their first kid, Stella is sitting her Sergeant's exam soon, there is a new team member. I don't know how you put up with Leon, he misses you though, he has a photo of you in the communications room" looking around the cemetery he liked the photos made her feel close "James, Josh has taken him under his wing, you would be proud of him he has really matured, you did do a great job with him, you know"
" looking down kicking the dirt the subject that is still hard even though it happened a while ago "Shannon has left" he knew it would be hard seeing her, but he realised he didn't want to be with her, he wanted to make the job work no complications he never thought she would take it as far and blame her actions on him"
Looking at the grave and kneeling down next to her grave, he will always remember the day 3 months ago when Internal affairs an ethical Standards Department came into Tactical Response to speak to him, he didn't want to believe what they said watching as they walked out his mouth open in disbelief, he didn't want to believe what they said, part of him wanted to say no, wanted to speak to Shannon but he promised the he wouldn't.
Walking into the base the following morning, he hadn't gotten much sleep, he tossed and turned, he wanted to go to Shannon and speak to her, ask her if it was true, despite it all he didn't want to believe it but deep down he wondered. Looking around watching them walk in at the end of the day, sometimes he wondered how Kerry did it, the paperwork, going out on the road, it was harder than he thought but he wasn't going to give in, it meant to much for him. Walking into the locker room, looking around at the team all of them getting ready to leave "They have gathered enough evidence now to be able to charge Boyd, more evidence has come to hand, that they have prepared the brief, it looks like he won't be able to get off any of the charges" trying not to look at Shannon was that surprise and shock on her face, looking at the others "the trial will be starting shortly"
Walking out of the locker room, could he go to the trial, watching as Shannon walks out, calling out "Shan" he hadn't given him much time of day since he spoke to her a few months ago when he broke up with her "good news about Boyd" looking at her, trying to give anything away seeing her shrug "when it his trial?" walking with her "they have prepared the brief and giving it to the DP tomorrow, the trial will start within the next 3 days" seeing her staring straight ahead "that's pretty soon, didn't they have problems" turning away from her "they found new evidence and they don't want it go missing like the last time" looking at Shannon before turning away "Shan ….. I still have a mountain of stuff to go through" walking a few metres away before turning around, could he really believe it, getting out his mobile phone, hanging up a few minutes later, all he can do now is wait, how he wants to say something.
Walking into head quarters, seeing IA an ES there, nodding at them "you didn't say anything to her, give it away "shaking his head "you've got it wrong " how he wishes they had. Sitting in the darkness, he thought about Kerry, he thought about her often, he didn't realise how much he would miss her, how much he wanted her, her life was taken away too soon, how could she do it, how could she help Boyd, he thought the whole team wanted Boyd to pay for what he did. Hearing noise, he wanted to gasp as he saw the shadow, watching as the box is open, and the evidence is taken out, put in her pocket, how could she, he needed to know watching as she walks out. The lights turned on, as she walks out of the building, the shock on her face.
Walking into head office the following morning, seeing Shannon sitting there, standing at the door way, staring at her, what is he to say "why did you do it?" seeing her looking at her, her face not showing much emotion "do you really want to know Lawson" nodding at her he did he didn't understand how she could do it, how she could try to help Boyd the person who killed Kerry "Why is that even with Kerry dead, you seem to care more about her than me, we were going to get married Lawson, then all that changed, did you even think about me, or what I was going through?" biting his lips "Kerry died Shannon, and here you are helping the person who killed her" his voice louder "this isn't about you or me, this is about someone who killed our boss, someone you are helping" seeing her eyes boring through his who was this person, the one he was even thinking of marrying, who would help someone like Boyd, and why "you have no idea Lawson, Kerry wasn't the great person you all made her out to be, you seem to forget what she was really like" his voice filling with anger "she was there for her team Shannon, she had her moments but no matter what she supported each and every one in TR…." His eyes full of anger "I hope you go to jail and rot there, I never want to see you again" turning to walk out of the room how could he be so wrong about someone.
Watching Lawson walk out of the room how did it all come to this, she was caught, she had hoped Lawson would understand instead she should of known that he would put Kerry before her even now.
…..
Blinking back the tears that were threatening to form it was hard being here and talking about Shannon his voice soft "Shannon is in jail, whether that is the place for her or not, I don't care anymore, Stella has visited her a few times, but I can't forgive her for what she did, no matter how hard I have tried, what sort of person did what she did. I didn't even see it coming, what sort of leader does that make me, I did blame myself for a while" giving a small laugh he knew that Kerry hated failing as a leader too "why didn't I see it, was it my fault" shaking his head "it is hard Kerry, so hard sometimes I don't know how you managed to do it all those years"
Fiddling with his hands the tears nearly coming it was hard sitting here, seeing the name on the grave Kerry Vincent, running his hand over her name knowing that he would never see her again staring out over the cemetery "then there is me, I miss you so much Kerry, didn't realise it was possible to actually miss you this much, but I do, there are times I wish you would just walk through the door, hear your voice, I would give anything just to see you again, I love you Kerry, all of this has made me realise too late, that I loved you Kerry Vincent and I can't tell you that, I can't act on it, I can't do anything about it, and it hurts so much. I didn't protect you or do anything to help you, I let all of this happen to you and it is hard"
Closing his eyes he could still see her blue eyes, her smile that lit up her face, the look on her face when she was challenging him, trying to outsmart him, he would give anything to see that again, the truth was that he was losing that, he didn't want to let go of her, he wanted to remember her forever.
…
This song is played whilst he is at the cemetery
Step one you say we need to talk, He walks you say sit down it's just a talk, He smiles politely back at you You stare politely right on through, Some sort of window to your right. As he goes left and you stay right Between the lines of fear and blame, And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, Somewhere along in the bitterness, And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best Cause after all you do know best Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence Lay down a list of what is wrong The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you And I pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice, You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road, Or break with the ones you've followed He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything, Or he'll say he's just not the same And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life