Piecing Together the Truth
Chapter 10
She could just get rid of it. It was one of the first thoughts that occurred to Leia once the shock of discovering she was pregnant had worn off. Abort the baby, pretend it had never existed and move on with her life. It would not be difficult. Ellis could discreetly acquire the necessary drugs and supervise her once she had taken them for any unexpected complications. He would keep her secret, and no one else would ever need to find out.
Despite how neatly an abortion would solve all her immediate problems, Leia was unable to muster any enthusiasm for the idea. While she didn't expect herself to joyfully leap into Ellis' office, she found herself strangely reluctant to even think on the subject for too long. She had never had any moral objections to a termination, and even now if she logically examined the situation as a dispassionate observer she thought it the most logical step to take. Yet something uncomfortable niggled at her. If she at least remembered what had happened it may have been easier, but the mystery meant that for every nightmare theory of a faceless violent imperial there was also a wishful dream-like fantasy of a dashing rescuer. She knew that it was likely the part of her that was still nineteen and idealistic that refused to completely dismiss the idea of the latter, and the more jaded and cynical twenty-four-year-old she had become that thought the former.
But while thoughts of ridding herself of the baby were difficult, it was not any easier to consider keeping it. Even with several months of pregnancy left, Leia felt woefully unprepared to be a mother. And nor did she feel any inclinations to be one at the present time. Adoption was a possibility, but not one that she felt was conscionable. She was enormously privileged, so she would not be giving up the child because of an inability to provide for it. Her own adoption was also not a topic she could shy away from. Her biological parents were dead as far as she was aware, they had not had a choice in placing their child in the adoption lottery, and it made Leia feel a deep burst of guilt that she would be doing the same but for less noble reasons. If adoption did turn out to be a necessity, if she reached the end of her pregnancy and still couldn't cope with the thought of being totally responsible for another human being, then there was one relatively simple possibility. She knew that if she asked it her parents would raise the child without complaint, but she also was not certain of what her own reaction to such an eventuality might be. Maybe unlike Leia, the child would be more interested in finding out their heritage, and what would she have to tell them?
The third option- keeping the child, was no more palatable than the previous two. It may have been selfish of her, but Leia couldn't help but think of how limiting a child would be to her life, career and ambitions. For every person that looked on her in pity, there would be others making snide comments and inventing salacious gossip as to the identity of the child's father. It would also not be fair to the child, to subject it to the media scrutiny she had been living with her entire life. And unlike Leia whose reputation had been more or less stellar, the child would trudge throughout their existence shackled to a scandal. Princess Leia's prison baby, or some other such nonsense. And while the child's physical needs would certainly be taken care of, she was unsure of her ability to handle their emotional needs. Would she be able to love a child that was potentially the product of rape? What if every time she looked at that trusting face she could not stop herself from thinking which of those features were from the nameless man that had assisted with its creation? It would not be fair to burden the child with her own uneasiness and fears.
Abort, adopt, keep. The thoughts, benefits and downsides continued to plague her mind every hour of the day and night. It was a vicious cycle, and every time Leia thought she might have nearly come to a decision, her conviction left her and she found herself again debating and questioning what would be the best option. A part of her wanted to write it all down, to see if that made the choice any easier. But the instant she picked up the pen and flimsi, she was struck with a crippling sense of fear and paranoia. What if someone found her clinical analysis of the situation? She could already picture all the people that would judge her and think her cold and in the end, she put the flimsi back unmarked.
Instead the debate continued to rage inside her without any form of relief or outward expression, which Leia knew was not healthy but she still didn't feel comfortable confiding in anyone quite yet. Even at their regular family breakfast she felt unusually morose as she picked absently at her plate of sliced Alderaanian fruits, trying to summon some appetite even though it had been virtually non-existent since Ellis had delivered that unexpected news. So much for all that 'eating for two' nonsense she had always heard about.
"Leia!" Her head shot up suddenly as she became aware of someone trying to get her attention, to find all three of her aunts looking at her with a faint aura of disapproval.
"Did you hear what I said?" Her aunt Tia asked, clearly trying to hide the exasperation in the voice.
"No sorry, Auntie." Leia replied apologetically with a weak smile. "I have a lot on my mind."
"We asked if you had looked over the list Rouge sent you?"
Leia felt her heart drop into her stomach. Since her conversation with her mother, the whole matter had completely slipped her mind, and for good reason. She couldn't think of anything worse than getting married in her present state. For one it did not matter how quick the arrangements were made, there was no way that she could pass off her child as her new husband's. The timings would be out, not to mention how incredibly unethical a move it would be. The political and personal fallout alone would destroy not only her reputation but that of the entire royal family's, and could even potentially impact Alderaan's diplomatic relations with certain systems. But of course, now was not the time to explain this to her aunts.
"No, I haven't had the chance yet." She lied, doing her best to appear nonchalant about it, as though she really hadn't had the time.
Rouge sighed. "Leia, I wish you would take this more seriously. The right alliance now could seriously benefit the Republic." Her other aunts nodded in agreement, while Bail looked on thoughtfully. Leia bit her lip as she tried to think of the best way to handle the situation.
"I've been thinking, and I don't believe a political alliance is suitable." She explained carefully. "I'm not ready to get married." Except for Breha, everyone else around the table looked surprised at her sudden change of heart.
"Well that's understandable, considering what you've been through." Celie said kindly, and for a moment Leia thought that the matter would be dismissed that easily. "A prolonged engagement would be an excellent solution, allowing for both an alliance and time for you to get used to the idea."
"I don't want to get used to the idea." Leia replied through gritted teeth. "I don't want to get married. Not now, not in six months' time, and not in a year's time. If I choose to get married it will be my decision, not anyone else's." She had tried to keep her voice steady and calm throughout her short speech, but by the end her irritation was clear, and both her father and aunts looked taken aback by her conviction.
"But-"
"I believe Leia has made her thoughts on the matter clear." Breha said firmly, interrupting whatever Rouge had been about to say. "If she does not wish to get married for political gain, then I support her decision. For over twenty years, we have fought against the empire for freedom, and I will not sell Leia's away."
Bail looked as though he was about to disagree, but anticipating him Breha spoke again. "I don't wish to hear any more on the matter." She said with an air of finality, in the voice she typically used when acting handling political matters as queen, effectively ending the conversation in an instant.
The rest of the table looked taken aback by the Queen's decisive and abrupt declaration, Bail most of all. After that, no one spoke again and the tense atmosphere was filled with only the sounds of cutlery scraping against plates. Leia pushed her own dish away, unable to even contemplate eating another mouthful. She felt conflicted. Part of her was hugely grateful for her mother's firm defence. Without her backing, she likely would have had much more difficulty in getting the topic of marriage dropped. She only wished her mother had not had to resort to using her authority to stamp down any opposition. It made Leia feel as though she had come between her mother and father, and that had been the last thing she had wanted.
A few short minutes later, her father stood up and excused himself from the table, and the hurt look he sent in Breha's direction just before he left made Leia's insides twist uncomfortably. This was her fault. More than ever, she wanted to try to find some resolution but the only solution she could think of was also the one she most dreaded. She needed to tell someone the truth. More than that she needed comfort, reassurance and advice. She felt hopelessly alone coping with everything by herself, and as she had already discovered with the burdens of her mysterious past, it was easier to deal with disaster with someone else by her side to help face the challenges ahead.
As soon as her father had gone, one by one each of her aunts cited a different clearly fabricated reason for why they needed to leave. Out of the corner of her eye, Leia watched her mother raise an elegant eyebrow when Tia claimed to have forgotten to water her rare Venusian tulip, somehow managing to forget that Venusian tulips were aquatic plants and thus were kept submerged in tanks and did not need watering.
Eventually Leia was left alone with Breha, and could relax slightly now that she was no longer under as much scrutiny. She half-expected her mother to make her own excuses and leave, but to her surprise the queen poured herself another cup of floral-infused tea, seemingly unconcerned by the rest of the family's need for distance and in no rush to attend her official duties.
"Thank you." Leia managed to say eventually, after a long period of silence. "But you didn't have to do that, I could have handled it." Even saying it, the words sounded hollow. They both knew she was wrong. She had not been handling it well, she had been on the verge of losing her temper and who knows what she might have said in a moment of anger.
"Yes, I did." Her mother said simply. "You are my priority Leia. Your happiness and safety are my utmost concern, and it will be the same for your father once he accepts the reality that you don't want to get married." Breha lightly touched Leia's cheek with the tips of her fingers. "You will understand one day, when you have children of your own."
Her mother's statement, while totally innocent and oblivious to the meaning she had inadvertently imparted, prompted a near-hysterical choke of laughter from Leia. And with that it seemed as though the dam had burst open, and she found herself nearly doubled over and quaking as that unhappy laugh continued to erupt from her.
"Leia, what-?" Even Breha's startled response was not enough to shake her out of her disturbed mood.
"So in a couple of months?" Leia remarked bitterly. "Then I'll understand." A drop of something that felt like rain splashed against the back of her hand, and she focussed on the remains of the teardrop with morbid fascination. She didn't even know when she had started crying. Perhaps she was just getting used to it, she had been spouting off like a damn fountain what seemed like every five minutes.
"Leia, what are you trying to say?" Her mother just looked baffled, clearly struggling to put the pieces together. Maybe she just didn't want to know, Leia thought, perhaps she was unable to put her sentence and Leia's response together because she simply didn't want to believe it.
It would have been so easy, Leia couldn't help but think, if she had been long married. She could picture it easily: her and some nameless, faceless husband holding hands while she said that fateful phrase, "I'm pregnant", with a happy smile. Then her parents would hug her and congratulate her, already excited for their new grandchild. Instead of that joyful scene, her own revelation had unfolded more like that of a teenager who had made a drunken mistake, in tears for a very different reason than happiness.
"I'm pregnant." And with that, her confession was finally out in the open, with no opportunity for her to take it back.
For a while her mother just sat there and stared at her, for once all her queenly composure gone as she just looked at her in total abject shock. Then her face morphed into another expression, one Leia barely had any time to decipher before Breha left her seat and engulfed Leia is a layer of silk.
"Oh Leia." Breha murmured, her voice sounding as broken as Leia felt. "I'm so sorry."
After the emotional breakfast reveal, the Queen had cancelled her day's plans and took Leia back to her rooms. Once there, Leia had curled up against her mother like she had when she was a young child, and allowed Breha to comfortingly stroke her hair. For how long they remained like that, soaking in each other's comfort, she couldn't say- but she knew that it couldn't last forever.
"Do you know how far along?" Breha broached the topic delicately.
"Ellis put the date around the destruction of the second death star." Leia replied dully, and around her shoulders she felt her mother's arm tighten as she came to the same conclusion that she had- that her current state was a punishment for the rebellion's success.
"Have you thought about what you're going to do?" Her mother hastily changed the subject, and Leia shook her head.
"I've thought about it, but I haven't been able to make a decision. I don't know what to do."
"You still have time to think about it." Breha reminded her. "There's no rush, and I will support you no matter what you decide in the end." Her mother's voice was as firm as it had been at breakfast, leaving Leia in no doubt that she was being completely sincere.
"Thank you." She said quietly.
"Thank you for telling me." Breha returned sympathetically. "I can't even imagine what you must be going through."
Of course she couldn't, Leia thought with a pang of sadness. For her mother it must have been such a cruel joke the universe was playing on them. The Queen had tried for years to conceive a child, and been through rounds of every conceivable fertility treatment. Each failure must have felt like a stab to the heart. And now her adoptive daughter had cruelly been given that blessing under the worst possible circumstances. There was no jealousy, only a burning hatred for the unfairness of the female reproductive system that withheld one woman's greatest desire and forced the unwanted burden on another.
"How are you handling all of this?" Her mother asked.
"Not great." Leia admitted. "I was already struggling to deal with everything else, and then this came along. It feels like as soon as I get used to one change, the rug gets ripped out from under me and I feel as helpless and lost as I did on Oberon."
"Vader has a lot to answer for." Breha remarked darkly, making Leia turn towards her suddenly in surprise. She had never heard the Queen sound so disgusted. Even when passionately arguing for her favourite causes, Breha Organa had always maintained a certain sense of aloof political detachment that helped to convince people that her view was the correct one. Now she sounded as though, given the opportunity, she would take a certain amount of satisfaction in ripping Vader limb from limb.
"What did he say to you, when you spoke to him on Coruscant?" Leia asked curiously. It was something she had been wondering for a while, but the vengeful look on her mother's face was promptly replaced by an expressionless mask.
"He told your father and I that you were dead." The response seemed rehearsed, and Leia knew instinctively that there must have been more to it than that. What was her mother hiding from her?
"And what else?" She asked.
Breha shook her head. "Nothing that you need to know right now."
"Did he say something about my past?" If he had then she needed to know. She already knew so little, and any clue her mother could give her might help stop her from being blindsided by another surprise.
"No, not really." The Queen hesitated. "We only spoke for about five minutes before he asked to be taken back to his cell."
"But he said something else?"
Breha was quiet for a while. "He did. Please don't ask me what, at least not yet." Her mother took her hand gently. "I'm not keeping it from you to hurt you, my dear girl, but with everything that's happened I don't think now is the time."
The old Leia, the nineteen-year-old who had been so confident and self-assured about her place in the world, would not have let the matter slide. She would have demanded she be told immediately, damned be the consequences. The old Leia had always favoured having all the information, even if what she found out was terrible. But she wasn't that naïve girl anymore. She felt weak and fragile, like a vase which already had a crack in it. Any more pressure and she would shatter into a thousand pieces, and she hated it. She hated that her reality had been shaken to its core again and again, but right now she honestly felt she could not take another surprise.
Leia changed the subject. "What do you think I should do? About the …" She couldn't say it. She couldn't even force the word out of her mouth. But it did not matter; her mother knew immediately what she meant.
"I can't make that decision for you. You need to do what is best for you. But," and now Breha made sure to look directly at her daughter, "you know what I'm going to say." Leia hung her head and nodded. "Your father needs to be told." Breha finished.
"I know." Leia shifted, already picturing her father's face when he would receive the news. Like her mother he would be shocked, but after that? His temper was certainly worse than the Queen's, and she could not see him reacting as calmly and sympathetically as her mother. "Will you help me?" She asked, already unable to even think of speaking to her father without her mother's supportive presence at her side.
"Of course." Breha promised. "We can tell him together."
Author's Note: Sorry for the delay, I get really bad author's block during the summer once the stress of uni starts to fade. I got through the first half of this chapter in September, but then I got really stuck on that big reveal and to be honest, I'm still not totally happy with it. As has been a trend, half of my plan has had to be pushed into the next chapter. Can't promise a quick update since I'm still super busy, but I hope you all enjoyed this latest chapter.