Just outside the temple Gabriel finally manages to break free from Michael´s grip, theatrically rubbing his arm and frowning, mostly to hide his deep nervousness, that is slowly but surely bordering onto panic. Now that they are don´t have Kali as spectator anymore, Michael probably won´t take any more shit from him and the thought of having an honest talk, about his Loki-Trickster years alone with his oldest brother is enough to make his stomach twist painfully.
There was once a Michael whom he could tell everything and who he never was afraid of. A brother who could get grumpy sometimes, but who you could always turn around with a smile and a bit of begging, who you could always feel safe around, because he would always be there for you, always protect you.
He misses that Michael, who he will probably never see again, as he realizes now. The Michael he has been waiting for all this time will never come and he is stuck with this strange version, that he can´t assess and that feels like the things that normally make Gabriel turn to plan B (fake your death and vanish), because a fight just wouldn´t be worth the risk.
But he can´t forget that plan B is exactly what he did to Michael all those years ago and how it played out back then.
He has never even seen what he payed for in that deal and stupid little angel that he was, he has never even asked for it.
He wonders if Michael has cried back then or if he was too cold for it.
And Raphael of course. Raphael has definitely cried. A mixture of joy at the perspective his other brother again soon and guilt about what he did to him too, breaks free inside Gabriel.
He has never been as close to Raphael as he has been to Michael and Lucifer, but as the two youngest they had a natural alliance that worked reliably when Michael and Lucifer got to full of themselves and in the last days before everything broke down Raphael had kind of taken on the role as older brother for Gabriel, trying to protect him from everything, not with much success, but with good intentions that took Gabriel far too long to fully appreciate.
Yes, he wants to see Raphael again. Raphael wouldn´t have changed like Michael did, would he?
Lost in thoughts it takes him far too long to realize that Michael is talking to him and when he finally focuses on his brother for one strange and horrific moment he can´t understand a word, though he recognizes the language.
With Kali Michael has talked English, but now in one of the less crowded streets near the temple, with the only persons around being other angels, he naturally switches to Enochian.
Gabriel honestly can´t remember when he last heard Enochian. Maybe the time he pushed Balthazar into the well, when the kid came searching for him. Oh, yes, he will have to apologize to Balthazar for that, that was a horrible thing to do in retrospective. Anyway it was a long, long time ago and like so often in the last days Gabriel is trapped between two emotions, because Enochian is HIS language, the language that marks his home, his happy years and he is so glad to hear it again, but he can barely understand a word of it and that scares the shit out of him.
This is impossible! You can´t forget your first language!
Can you?
"Uh, can we speak English, please?", he asks, while cursing himself for all the times he has forced himself to think in Old Norse, or English or whatever, anything but Enochian so that he couldn´t betray himself by letting slip a curse or something else too subconscious to control in other ways.
Not like he ever knew many curses in Enochian. Michael kept a tight regime concerning cursing.
Michael gives him the skeptical look he has barely gotten off his face, since he doesn´t look like a goldfish anymore, but thankfully changes back to English anyway.
"Alright, there still are too many humans around to talk, so let´s go to heaven"
"I´m not going back to heaven!"
The words escape Gabriel, before he is able to think them through and he is half surprised by them himself and by how much the thought of just plopping back into heaven unceremoniously makes him panic.
His last memories of heaven are screams and fighting and Lucifer begging.
Also he is afraid that in heaven he will find himself in Michael´s hands. Here on earth, he has the advantage, with Michael feeling uncomfortable and he doesn´t want to turn this situation on its head and give his oldest brother a home match.
He realizes that he is shaking and that he is really missing something. When was the last time he had anything sugary? The Jalebi seem like ages ago. If there ever was a time for emergency chocolate it´s now, but with Michael looking at him like that, he doesn´t dare go for his pocket.
He hates this whole situation.
"If we don´t go to heaven, will you answer my questions then?", Michael asks.
"If they aren´t stupid", Gabriel gives back, which apparently satisfies Michael enough to turn to the other angels and talk to them in Enochian, which Gabriel thinks extremely rude, but at least now he sees that thankfully his ability to understand Enochian isn´t completely lost.
He can understand most of it, if he focuses, but he has to translate everything in his head, like one does with a foreign language. Enochian is foreign to him. It´s horrifying.
As far as he can tell Michael is sending the other angels back to heaven and telling them to report to Raphael. Balthazar protests loudly and Michael sharply responds with something including the name Naomi, which gets Balthazar to lower his head in submission and obey completely uncharacteristically.
The name Naomi is somewhere at the back of Gabriel´s head, but he can´t really tell where he heard it. No, wait, wasn´t she Michael´s favorite once, like Balthazar was his? Why would Balthazar be scared of another angel? Are Michael´s favorites suppressing the others or something?
He doesn´t have much time to think about this new mystery, because Michael is back now, then leaving and Gabriel follows him, somehow glad to leave Kolkatta behind. The are in the States now, landing and…
"Abandoned warehouse? Seriously? Only monsters use abandoned warehouses"
"They are quite practicable", Michael replies.
Gabriel gives a nervous laugh, goes for his pocket and pulls out the rest of his chocolate/sugar stack. Screw giving a good impression, he has ruined that purposely with his Kali stunt anyway and he is sure not to survive this talk without a good sugar shock. The first bite of chocolate is like paradise, unwinding the knots in his stomach and giving him one real moment of peace, while the sugar hits.
He doesn´t exactly feel ready, but the feeling is lengths better. Whoever thinks miracles are angels domain has clearly never tried chocolate.
He briefly thinks about offering some to Michael, but Michael looks way to disapproving again and also he doesn´t want to give up any chocolate, he might need later. Later when that nightmare of a reunion is over and he should somehow be still alive.
Michael jumps right into it, as it has always been his way and Gabriel can barely hold back a groan. A few more seconds (or minutes) to prepare would have been nice.
"So, you were together with a Hindu goddess of destruction all that time and you never even thought about giving me a call?"
The slightly offended way he says that, immediately gets Gabriel´s defenses up again.
"Don´t talk like it´s all Kali´s fault. Do you think she corrupted me or something? Because if you think so, you are dead wrong. I was more then corrupt enough when I met her and I haven´t even seen her in the last fifty years!"
"Which was kind of a dick move", he adds after a little pause, talking more to himself now and taking another bite from his chocolate bar. "Yup, definitely was"
Michael is hard to read, but there is definitely alarm in the mix and he is so deep in big brother mode now, that Gabriel wouldn´t be surprised if his answer was scolding him for talking with a full mouth. He swallows properly, just to be sure. Not because he is afraid of Michael or needs someone to teach him manners or anything, but… just to be sure.
Nope, Michael is still struggling with the concept of his and Kali´s relationship. Wow, he has forgotten that angels are worse than certain conservatives in some respects. "So, you and Kali..."
"Do you want to talk about sex, Michael?", Gabriel bursts out, before before he can control his Trickster side. "Because then I DEFINITELY win. Are you still a virgin, by the way?"
Okay, that was too much. That was entirely too much and he wishes he could take it all back, the moment the words leave his mouth. This is NOT how he wanted his reunion with Michael to go, not at all. A bit of provocation as self protection, alright, but not just talking for shock value, like he is doing it now. Help, he is behaving like an absolute jerk and if Michael doesn´t want him back now, he kind of has a point.
Michael swallows twice, then regains his countenance, though he still looks like a six year old that has just been told how babies are made and that doesn´t quite get it yet. "I don´t see how this would be your business" He is cold again now, going for distance and Gabriel could kick himself in anger about his own stupid behavior. "And I definitely didn´t come to talk about this...topic. So..." He catches himself and draws a deep breath. "If this isn´t about Kali, where were you all these years? Why did you leave?"
He tries to say this distantly, like the answers don´t matter to him, but Gabriel can see his brother´s emotions, boiling behind his eyes and his own Trickster attitude vanishes, leaving behind something, that Gabriel is not sure how long it can last without breaking down. The answers he gives now, will decide everything, he is suddenly painfully aware of. If they can dismiss his behavior right now and maybe, maybe get happy like the naive, childish part of him always wanted, or if they will drift apart forever, closed into their respective shields, because arguing and provoking is always easier, that talking something out.
But he doesn´t know how to answer in the right way. There is so much in his past that he doesn´t want to tell Michael, that he can´t tell Michael, because his brother would probably just throw him into the pit like he did with Lucifer, utterly disgusted by his actions. Loki and the Trickster were never supposed to meet Michael, let alone stand trial before him. The pressure of saying something that won´t make him seem like a monster to Michael, while also telling the truth is crushing him and reminds him why he behaved like a dick in the first place.
It´s way too easy to just pretend you don´t care, grin, tear everything down, then vanish.
It´s way too easy to just be the Trickster.
It´s deathly silent in the abandoned warehouse.
And Gabriel for once just really doesn´t know what to say.
"Gabriel?"
Michael sounds shocked, but not like he is insulted by Gabriel´s behavior like before, more like him being shocked by himself. And he sounds soft now, all coldness vanished, so much like the Michael from the garden, the big brother lost forever, that it is tearing Gabriel apart.
"Gabriel, are you crying?"
Is he?
"No, of course not", he chokes out, as defensive as possible and the way he has to force the words out probably means that, yes, he is crying, weeping like a little girl.
Could this get any more embarrassing?
He raises one hand, wiping his eyes furiously, determined not to break in front of Michael. He has held it together for so long, why does he break down now, when it is so important to seem strong, to show Michael that he can very well manage on his own, thank you very much.
And then suddenly Michaels arms are around him, holding him close like in the garden, when Gabriel had a bad day and desperately needed someone, holding him despite everything and Gabriel wants to protest, wants to say that he isn´t a fledgling anymore, that he doesn´t need this, that even if he did, he is tainted, barely an angel anymore and that Michael shouldn´t touch him, but somehow the feeling of being so close to his brother, of somehow being saved, crashes through his resolve and Gabriel just breaks.
It feels like time has stopped, like all that stands between them has been pushed aside, to allow them this one moment, they both have so secretly yearned for. Two archangels standing in the middle of a bleak warehouse, clinging desperately to each other, Gabriel sobbing uncontrollably into Michael´s shoulder, while Michael brushes through his hair with one hand and whispers: "I´m sorry, I´m sorry" over and over again, his voice chocked as well and Gabriel wants to tell him to shut up, that he was the one who ran and therefore should be the one apologizing, but every time he tries to speak, he just starts to sob even harder, like he has to work up the suppressed emotions of thousands of years within five minutes.
Nothing has ever hurt so much and felt so good at the same time.
His stomach hurts so much he feels like dying, but if he dies now, then at least Michael is there and that is about the biggest improvement he can wish for right now.
He has lost all sense of time, when they slowly let go, both red eyed and slightly embarrassed, realizing that hugging is easy, but that it doesn´t really solve any problems and that there is still a shitload of unsolved issues lying in between them, but no one wants to be the monster bringing them up again.
It´s hard to go picking into wounds, when the other is so vulnerable, so bare, without the carefully constructed shields.
Michael apparently decides that as big brother it is his job to get things going after this strange pause and he holds his hand out to Gabriel. "Let´s go to heaven now, shall we?"
And Gabriel doesn´t even know why he hesitates. Michael has seen him at his weakest, the tears and the hug seem to have washed his previous behavior away, if there ever was a moment perfect to go back home it´s now.
And he wants to go home, as he finally admits to himself.
He wants to go to the garden, roll up in the meadows and don´t move for centuries.
But still there is something nagging at him at the back of his mind, something screaming at him not to take Michael´s hand, something making him think of every single gossip he has heard about heaven during his time as Loki and the Trickster.
Maybe it was just pagan chatter, he knows they like making fun of Christians, now and then. But maybe it was more, and if he and Michael have changed so much, how could heaven have remained unchanged?
"Can I see Raphael first?", he asks, his heart pounding like crazy. "He is my brother as much as you are"
And the shocked, guilty look on Michael´s face, brings all his worst fears up again and makes him painfully aware that they are about as far from a happy ending as one can be.
…
"Can I see Raphael first? He is as much my brother as you are"
Damn it, Michael thinks, feeling like he is going crazy with guilt. Damn it, damn it, damn it.
Not now, when he finally feels like he has gotten a grip on Gabriel. Not now, when the angel in front of him, finally feels like his brother and not like a stranger, as he did back at the Hindu temple. He still feels Gabriel in his arms, from the hug they just shared. It broke his heart to see his little brother crying like that, so vulnerable, so definitely hurt, but at the same time, it felt like something he could work with.
He can´t work with the strange, provocative Gabriel, that makes him question constantly where his brother spent all that time and what happened to him to turn him into this, but he can work with a desperate little brother, that needs him to hold himself together.
Does that sound cruel? Does that make him cruel? He hopes it doesn´t.
He was so close, so close on getting Gabriel home and now his little brother comes up with this. He could smack himself in anger. Of course Gabriel still sees Raphael as his brother, he isn´t like Michael, who has told himself for thousands of years that Raphael is barely an archangel anymore, barely worth his attention. He should have known that Gabriel would want to see Raphael.
This makes things so much more complicated.
He realizes that he has been quiet for far too long and that Gabriel is looking at him with fear brimming in his eyes, that are still red from crying.
"But he is alive, isn´t he?"
Gabriel sounds so young and afraid of the answer, that Michael can barely belief this is the same angel confidently appearing, like they had last seen each other yesterday and casually claiming a Hindu goddess of destruction as his girlfriend.
"No", he answers, mostly because the English way of asking this kind of questions is confusing him (they should have really stayed with Enochian) and partly because an egoistic part of him thinks that maybe it is better if Gabriel thinks Raphael dead than that he sees him like he is now. "I mean, yes", he immediately asks, when he sees the look of sheer horror passing over Gabriel´s face. "I mean..."
"Michael, this is a really bad question to be confused on" Gabriel speaks deliberately slow to hide his panic, but it shows in his whole body language, from the way he tenses his shoulders, to his slight shaking and the way he glances around the warehouse, like he is looking for an escape route, should his world come crashing down. "I mean, it seriously is the worst question to be confused on. That´s worse than, where have you put the atom codes again? That´s..."
"Well, who made everyone guessing if he was alive or not these past days?"
That is not what Michael wanted to say. He wanted to dissolve Gabriel´s unnecessary fear created by English grammar and egoism immediately, like a good big brother should. Now this sounds like he is deliberately punishing Gabriel for hiding, by making him panic about whether Raphael is alive or not. And Gabriel feels that this is the case, if the incredulous, betrayed look on his face is anything to go by.
"Seriously, Michael? Just tell me, is Raphael alive YES OR NO?"
"YES"
"GOOD"
There is that embarrassing silence again, only that this time Michael is feeling incredibly guilty, swaying on the brink of a pit filled with memories he really doesn´t need right now, while Gabriel is gasping for air, like someone nearly drowned and the inevitable conflict coming up now can definitely not be dissolved by a hug or an offer to go to heaven.
"Then let me see him" Gabriel is speaking strangely low, which makes him sound more dangerous than Michael has ever thought his brother could sound like to him, especially with red rimmed eyes and a half crushed chocolate bar in one hand.
"No"
Don´t panic, don´t panic, he tells himself, don´t you dare panic now.
"Come on Michael, what is this bullshit?" This isn´t the provocative Gabriel version from the temple, but neither is it the vulnerable one, seeking safety in his arms just five minutes ago. This version is raw and bare and absolutely incredulous about being betrayed again, the moment he allowed himself to show emotions.
"What are you hiding?"
"Yes, Michael, what are you hiding?", the voice that sounds like Lucifer, but can´t be Lucifer giggles in his mind, like all of this is incredibly funny. "The perfect son, oh, so perfect. What could he possibly be hiding?"
"I had to", Michael screams in his mind, half a prayer, half a plea for forgiveness. "He was defying me, I had to. Father please, I didn´t have a choice"
"And you think I´m the monster?", Lucifer snorts. "Father allowed the wrong son to be thrown into the pit and you know it. You knew it all this time. You think you petty little prayers make it all go away. I made a few demons, that is true, but you…"
"Stop it!", Michael screams and Gabriel takes a few steps back, looking at him like he is going mad. And he is, he finally is, has been swaying on the brink for way to long, but now he is falling, falling, falling and Lucifer or whatever part of his mind seems like Lucifer is with him every step, pushing him down, further and further, every step a name.
"Gadreel"
"Abner"
"Naomi"
"Raphael"
"Oh, and me of course"
"And then… Do you even know how many you sent to Naomi on a whim. Do you even know who you sent? You said you wanted to keep them safe and you created a dictatorship worse than hell. Oh, isn´t daddy gonna be proud of you?"
"Oh, screw you", Gabriel hisses and at the same moment Michael feels him deliberately pushing into the archangel bond for the first time since Lucifers rebellion, deliberately using it to call for Raphael.
"Oh, isn´t daddy gonna be proud of you?"
"Raphael, stay away from this", Michael is shouting over the archangel bond, knowing that it is too late, knowing that now everything will break down in front of him, the moment he had hope again and that he is unable to stop it.
He sees Raphael appearing looking around in his usual emotionless way, he can see the moment Gabriel really feels Raphael, how he searches for the most gentle of his brothers and only finds that mindless soldier, that mindless soldier formed by Michael.
"What happened to him?", Gabriel screams in utter shock. "Raphael, what happened to you?" and Raphael only blinks and asks: "Gabriel?" like the name just entered his mind for the first time and he has no idea where to put it, and Michael is falling and falling, while Lucifer is laughing about him, or maybe he is crying, Michael can´t tell, asking over and over again: "Who is the monster now? Who is the monster now?"