The days before Christmas were always the most exciting at Hogwarts; classes were ending and many students were preparing to go home to spend the holiday with their family. The Weasleys usually spent Christmas at school and this year was no exception despite Mrs. Weasley's threats at the beginning of the year. If Ron, Fred, and George would be at school then so would Harry.
"When does the Hogwarts Express take you back to London?" Ron asked Hermione as they left the transfiguration classroom.
"Monday."
"You're going to miss the Christmas Feast." Ron said with tones of sympathy.
"Is food all you think about?" She asked with a laugh.
"No, there's presents, too, of course." Ron said defensively, to which Hermione just rolled her eyes.
"More important than the feast or the presents is the Polyjuice Potion. It's probably going to be ready to use over break. Just think, nearly two whole weeks alone with a cauldron full of Polyjuice Potion and no Hermione-supervision." Harry said, with what looked to Hermione to be an evil grin.
"Oh my..." She said, suddenly looking concerned. "I only agreed to help you because we need to know what Malfoy is up to and I'm not even sure that was a good idea even with me there to watch you. But now..." She shuddered at whatever possibility she had just thought of. "You have to promise not to use it until I get back, you'll get us all in serious trouble if you play around with it."
"You're just scared one of us might have grabbed one of your hairs." Harry said.
"You did what?" Hermione said, looking scandalized.
"What?" Harry asked, as though he had no idea what Hermione was asking about.
"Harry, I don't condone violence but if you try anything like that I swear I'll hurt you." Hermione said, making a gesture toward her wand as Ron spoke the password to the portrait.
"That's unlikely, I don't think it's possible to make Gryffindor lose the cup twice in one year." Harry retorted with a smug look.
"When are you two going to give that up?" Ginny asked from her couch.
"When Hermione realizes that her attempts at evil are doomed to fail."
"Well, she did manage to hex you last time." Ginny pointed out.
"Yes, I admit that I made the mistake of thinking Hermione was an honorable friend who wouldn't stab her best mate in the back and I have since learned my lesson. Now that I know she's a regular loose cannon it won't happen again."
"No, it probably won't happen again, but only because, if you do whatever it is you're planning, I'll be the one hexing you." Ginny said.
"That's some big talk from a small girl." Harry said.
Ginny whipped out her wand and threw a bat-boogey hex at Harry but he conjured, seemingly effortlessly, a shield that deflected it harmlessly into the ceiling.
"Right. Well, that was a good try, anyway. You might not want to duel me, though. Haven't you heard? If we keep this up I might have to use Parseltongue to tell a snake not to attack you. I'm a pretty scary guy." Harry said, re-holstering his wand. Ginny, deciding she probably couldn't out-magic Harry, followed suit.
"Actually I think I heard that story a little differently from everyone else." Ginny said.
"Well that's because everyone else is stupid. Since they don't speak Parseltongue they don't know what I said and since the snake didn't attack I don't really see why anyone would think I said anything malevolent. I don't really mind, though. After all, yhis whole 'bad-boy angle' is giving me some serious cred with the ladies. Sure, it's mostly Slytherins, but hey."
"That makes me sick." Hermione said.
"That's what I thought at first, too, but it turns out there are actually some pretty hot girls in Slytherin."
"No, you make me sick. It makes me sick that you evidently just found out you were a Parselmouth yesterday and all you care about is trying to woo a bunch of girls that think you're the heir of Slytherin."
"I think they've already been 'wooed' but don't be silly, Hermione, I would never go out with a girl that thought I was the heir of Slytherin. She'd have to be pretty stupid to think that. I would definitely make out with a girl like that and maybe even go on a few dates with her but I couldn't start a relationship with one. I have standards, you know."
"Are those standards a pulse and the ability to breathe?" Hermione asked.
"Yes, and also she has to be hot and can't be crazy. Cho, for example, failed on the last one." Harry replied.
"Oh, now that I know you have standards I'm much more comfortable with the way you treat women." Hermione replied.
"I'm glad to hear it. Your whole line of thought is wrong, though, because the Slytherins probably all know my family is all Gryffindor so I assume most of those girls just think I'm the next dark lord or something, not the heir of Slytherin"
"And that is just so much better." Hermione said sarcastically.
"I'd say so. There's a fine line between superhero and super villain. The only real difference is whether you use your awesome powers for good or evil. Obviously, you guys know that I use them for good but those girls might not, so the fact that they think I'm the next dark lord just means they recognize I've got awesome super powers and that's cool with me."
"You're fine with people thinking you're a dark lord?" Hermione asked incredulously.
"It's an easy mistake to make, really. I think I probably just haven't saved enough people yet. I mean, I saved magical Britain twice but if they think I'm a dark lord they might just think I did that so that I could take over so I lost credit for all those lives. That just leaves me with you and Ron, which isn't much. No offense." Harry added.
"None taken, mate." Ron said with a smile.
"Sometimes I just wish you could hear yourself." Hermione said to Harry in a defeated tone.
"I can. That's probably why I talk so much."
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At dinner that night the air was still thick with rumors that Harry was responsible for opening the chamber of the secrets, these were no doubt exacerbated by the fact that he choose to sit between Daphne Greengrass and Pansy Parkinson at the Slytherin table that night.
"Ladies" was all Harry said as he sat down.
"Uh, you're a Gryffindor." said Millicent Bulstrode.
"Among other things." Harry replied.
"This is the Slytherin table." she continued.
"Yeah, all the green clothing accessories do give it that feel." He replied, growing a little more annoyed.
"You shouldn't be sitting here." she concluded.
"You're unattractive and just not a very nice person in general. Furthermore, you're really ruining my attempts to flirt with these girls so I think that you shouldn't be sitting here. And yet here we both are." Harry said calmly.
Millicent looked to the girls on either of Harry shoulders for support but they didn't seem to want her there any more than Harry did, so she moved further down the table with a huff.
"So, where were we?" Harry asked the girls.
"I think you walked over and said 'ladies' to us." Daphne answered.
"Right, so we were at the part where you two throw yourselves at me and fight over who snogs me first, then." Harry said coolly.
"Don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself? We could have boyfriends." Pansy pointed out.
"Does anyone really have a boyfriend when I'm around?" Harry asked.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I'm going out with Draco." Pansy said a little haughtily.
"I'm sorry to hear that." Harry said sympathetically "You do know I beat him up, though, don't you? I'm pretty sure that means you're legally mine."
"I'm not a prize; you don't win me by punching someone."
"Possession is nine tenths of the law." Harry said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders "Besides, I showed, through a bout of fisticuffs, that I'm clearly the better man, you should want to go out with me."
"I don't think I could ever go out with a Gryffindor." Pansy said, shrugging his arm off of her.
"I could." Daphne said, scooting closer.
"I can tell where I'm not wanted." Harry said to Pansy as he placed his other arm around Daphne. "Daphne's hotter anyways."
"So," Harry said, moving his attention to Daphne "how's life in Slytherin? Lots of evil schemes afoot, I presume?"
"Uh, life in Slytherin in fine, I guess. From what I heard, though, you might be the one with the evil schemes." Daphne responded.
"Ah, yes, well I can assure you that my plans are purely benevolent in nature. I'm a superhero, not a super villain, you know. Sure, I'm a Parselmouth but I'll probably just use that to save some children from a snake or something rather than using it to take over the world."
"A superhero?" Pansy scoffed. "Hardly."
"I single-handedly defeated Voldemort twice. Aside from being super badass, most people would say that's pretty heroic."
"Not everyone thought it was such a bad idea to get rid of the Mudbloods. Those people might not consider you a hero for stopping him." Pansy said plainly.
"So, given that you don't think I'm a hero, I'm to assume that you're one of those people?" Harry asked.
Pansy simply took another bite of her dinner.
"Right, then." Harry said, deciding Pansy wasn't worth the effort. "So what's a pretty girl like you doing in a house like this?" He asked Daphne.
"Well the Greengrass family has pretty much always been in Slytherin. Besides, I think I'm pretty cunning and ambitious and I don't think those are bad things." She said defensively.
"Ambitious... maybe. I have yet to see any acts of cunning, however." Harry said in a disbelieving tone.
"Just you wait, Potter." Daphne replied.
"Fair enough."
"So, not to pry, but is the story about the snake true, then?" Daphne asked.
"Yup, assuming the story is about me telling the snake not to hurt Colin." Harry replied.
"Lots of people think you were telling it to kill him because he's Muggle-born, and that you opened the chamber."
"Then lots of people are incorrect. It's an interesting theory, though. Does that mean they think I stopped Voldemort to ensure that I would be the only dark lord?" Harry asked.
"I don't guess anyone considered that." Daphne replied.
"I'm thinking that's the line I should go with for Slytherin, you know? Lots of your housemates seem pretty cool with dark lords. If I can come out of this with Slytherin thinking I'm a dark lord and the rest of the school knowing I'm actually just a hero I think it'll all be ok."
"Harry Potter." A voice sneered from behind him. Harry turned to see Malfoy flanked by Crabbe and Goyle. Harry simply turned and tipped an imaginary hat toward them.
"What are you doing at my table?" Malfoy asked.
"Leaving, mostly." Harry answered. He surprised Daphne with a kiss on her mouth and then walked back to his usual seat.
"What was that about?" Ron asked.
"Well it's not every day I'm going to be this popular with Slytherin girls, right?" Harry answered with a smile.
"Nice. But did I just see you run away from Malfoy?" Ron said with a look of disapproval.
"That's was just a tactical advance in the opposite direction. It's not like either of us could do anything in the Great Hall and I've got to let him feel like he's winning sometimes so he doesn't do anything stupid. Or at least nothing more stupid than his usual."
"I really think that hanging out with Slytherin is the last thing you need, Harry." Hermione said.
"I can't imagine why that would be, I think I could be a positive influence on them. Besides, what of all your talk about inter-house camaraderie and bringing the school together?"
"You're bad enough already, I don't think that surrounding yourself with kids – some of which who are genuinely evil – is a good idea, Harry. At least most of the stuff you do right now is mostly harmless."
"Don't worry about it Hermione, by the time you get back from break, Slytherin will think I'm the next dark lord. The situation is totally under control."
"Wait, WHAT? How could having one fourth of the school think you're evil incarnate be a good thing?" Hermione asked indignantly.
"They eat that 'dark lord' stuff up over there. Just like how we Gryffindors love our heroes, the Ravenclaws love their scholars, and the Hufflepuffs love their... well, I guess they technically just love everyone, but I think you get the idea."
"So you're going to pretend to be a dark lord to be popular?" Hermione asked in disbelief.
"Well it's not like I'm going to walk around with minions or anything. Although, if you and Ron are interested..."
"No." Hermione and Ron replied in unison.
"Right, well they already think I'm a dark lord regardless so I'm just not going to deny it to them. That's different. Gryffindor already knows I'm not a dark lord and Ravenclaw is hopefully too smart to fall for that sort of thing. I'm just going to assume Hufflepuff is too friendly to care, or at least that their girls are too friendly to care. Problem solved."
"So this is all boils down to girls again? The only reason you're upset about the dueling club ordeal is because you're afraid it'll interfere with your ability to get dates!" Hermione said, exasperated.
"Yeah, pretty much." Harry said.
"I can't believe I ever felt one ounce of pity for you after you told me what happened. I mean really, Harry."
"What? It's worked out pretty well, so far. Daphne really seemed into me. I just need to make out with a Ravenclaw and a Hufflepuff to make sure everything is back to normal."
"Oh, I'm so happy everything is working so well for you. It would just be tragic if you couldn't burn through a new girl every week." Hermione said with heavy sarcasm.
"I'm glad you're starting to see things my way." Harry said, beaming. That one earned him a smack on the back of the head.
"Isn't Daphne going out with Malfoy?" Ron asked.
"That's Pansy and I don't think I could handle her anyway. She might be legitimately evil. Daphne seems surprisingly normal, though, all things considered. I'd say she's probably the best of Slytherin, at least of the girls in our year, and I think she's ranked third overall."
"You rank girls like it's a contest." Hermione said disapprovingly.
"Well, it sort of is. I don't rank all the girls, though. Most Gryffindors are unranked, for example, because they know where I sleep and I've seen them in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Then there are girls who are just blatantly unattractive like Millicent over in Slytherin, there just isn't much point in ranking her." Harry explained.
"We've actually got the official paper list." Fred chimed in.
"You seriously wrote all that down?" Hermione asked shocked.
"Well yeah, what did you think we were doing with all that time we weren't spending on homework?" George replied.
"So what, you guys meet in secret and vote or something?" She asked, now slightly curious.
"It's sort of complicated, there's a vote and then a magical formula involved but yeah, more or less. Admit it, Hermione, you're a little proud of me. If you were a female chauvinist you would totally take a vote, use some magic, and then have a list written up in triplicate." Harry said.
"I would NOT. That's such a... boy thing to do." Hermione answered.
"Your sexism offends me. And, I'll have you know, there are at least two similar lists of boys circulating around the school that I know of." Harry responded smugly.
"Those lists don't offend you? Wait, who am I kidding, of course they don't." Hermione corrected herself.
"Well I'm at the top of the Ravenclaw list and I think I was third on Slytherin's so there's not really much to be offended about."
"I was 2 slots ahead of George on the Slytherin list." Fred said proudly.
"How does that make any sense?" Hermione asked, confused.
"Probably because he's so evil." George offered.
"You're just jealous." Fred retorted.
"Well I was one spot ahead of you on that Ravenclaw list." George pointed out.
"Where do I rank?" Hermione asked.
"I didn't see you on either of the hottest boys lists." Harry said facetiously.
"Funny. I'm talking about the Gryffindor list."
"Look at that, Hermione would have us believe she's above this sort of thing and yet curiosity still got the best of her." Harry teased.
"I still maintain that the whole enterprise is stupid. That doesn't mean I can't be interested in knowing where I rank, though." Hermione defended.
"If you were ranked it would break the first rule of the list to tell you, anyway." Harry pointed out.
"Well, you guys know where you're ranked on those other two lists." Hermione objected.
"That's because the girls who wrote those lists are terrible at keeping secrets. Our list is for gentlemen's eyes only." Harry explained.
"Then how'd you get to see it?" Ginny teased as she joined them.
"Cute." Harry responded flatly.
"What list are you talking about?" She asked.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Harry answered.
"Oh, the boys were just explaining that they've ranked all girls in the school according to who they find most appealing." Hermione explained.
"Oh, then where am I ranked?" Ginny asked.
"You aren't." Ron answered.
"Oh? And why not?" Ginny asked, pulling out her wand.
"Because half the people voting were your brothers. This is exactly why most of the Gryffindor girls aren't ranked." Harry said gesturing to Ginny's wand.
"Well I'm not related to anyone here." Hermione said.
"But you're in Gryffindor and best friends with that thing." Harry said, pointing once more at Ginny.
"Hey!" Ginny objected.
"But you didn't say no one in Gryffindor was ranked, you just said most of them aren't ranked." Hermione pointed out.
"Look, even if you were ranked is it really something you'd want to know? I mean, it's not like the list is about intelligence." Harry said, trying to quell her.
"Excuse me?" Hermione asked, offended.
"I'm just saying that other girls in Hogwarts might have more... reliance – on their physical appearances so where you are or are not on any list wouldn't really mean anything." Harry slowly explained, trying to dig his way out of a hole.
"So you're saying that because you think I'm ugly you won't tell me where I am on the list?" Hermione asked with a tone that was growing ever angrier and she unsheathed her wand.
"No, what I'm saying is that Fred never should have mentioned the list to you and dinner's over so I think we should head back to the common room." Harry explained, trying to calm her down and change the subject.
"Fine, let's go to the common room." Hermione agreed. A sign of relief flooded over Harry's features. "Less witnesses." Hermione said quietly, to which Ginny giggled.
"What was that?" Harry asked.
"Oh, nothing." Hermione answered.
On the walk to the common room the subject changed to more mundane things. As they walked along the first floor, however, Harry spotted Hannah Abbott – a Hufflepuff – talking with some friends under a strategically placed piece of greenery. He walked up to her and gave her a deep kiss that surprised her at first, but which she then returned in kind. After a few more moments of that Harry broke it off.
"You should really stand under mistletoe more often." He said with a grin. Hannah simply smiled and waved as he rejoined his friends.
"Seriously Harry, do you have to do that in front of me?" Hermione asked.
"What? It's a Christmas tradition. Next you're going to be telling me not to open Christmas gifts or sing carols in the dorm."
"Actually, mate, that last one you said might actually be worth stopping." Ron said.
When they entered the common room they walked over toward some empty chairs. As soon as Harry took a seat Hermione conjured with frightening speed some ropes that wrapped Harry to the chair. Hermione looked around for Ginny to hold Fred, George, and Ron at bay but she wasn't there. It was no matter, however, because they seemed too scared of this new side of Hermione to try to stop her.
"Merlin, Hermione!" Harry exclaimed.
"Where am I ranked?" She asked.
"Hermione, try to be rational, here. The Hermione I know wouldn't tie up her best friend to find out where she was ranked on some silly list." Harry explained, trying once more to reason with her.
"I'm serious, Harry." Hermione said, brandishing her wand.
"Fine, you're ranked just below average. Happy now?" Harry said, deciding he had lost.
"Below average?" Hermione asked in disbelief.
"Well, if it makes you feel better there was one voter that lobbied for a much higher ranking" Harry explained as he stole a quick glance at a very red-faced Ron. "But yeah, you ranked just below average."
"Who?" Hermione asked with a fierce look in her eye.
"Now that – that I really can't tell you, no matter how much you threaten me. I don't betray my friends."
Hermione seemed to take him at his word this time because she waved her wand and undid the lashings holding him to the chair. Hermione and Ginny went to where the rest of the girls of Gryffindor were sitting where they were berated for not trying to get the full list.
"I've never seen Hermione act that like." Harry said, rubbing his arms where the rope had been.
"I don't think anyone has, mate." "Or if they have they didn't live to tell about it." Fred and George agreed.
"This is exactly why I said no Gryffindors." Harry said bitterly with a look to Ron.
"Sorry mate, how was I supposed to know she'd do that?" Ron apologized.
"You weren't but I was sort of hoping you'd just start making out with her or confess your love to her or something to distract her before she started tying people to chairs." Harry said, grinning at him.
"What are you talking about, mate?" Ron asked with a hollow laugh that was betrayed by his blush.
"Just because I didn't tell her who voted her third doesn't mean I didn't know."
"Well, yeah, but I voted her third, not first." Ron explained.
"Well your number 1 and 2 were both 7th years and the list was technically just supposed to be 5th years and below." Harry pointed out.
"Oh my." "Does ickle Ronniekins have something he wants to tell us?" "He's just growing up so fast." Fred and George teased.
"I don't know what you guys are talking about." Ron repeated.
Ron was saved, however, when Percy ran into the common room and told everyone that Colin Creevey and Nearly Headless Nick had been petrified.
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A/N: There's a brand new poll up to vote on about what should happen to Harry third year. The one about Ginny possibly confessing her feelings to Harry ended up pretty much a tie but it still helped me decide what I wanted because I decided half of you are crazy.
Thanks to hushpuppy22 I changed a line of dialogue in the last chapter to clarify that, although Hermione thinks Sirius is 'in his 40's', he is actually in his 30's. I also changed the word paralyzed to petrified because, after a brief discussion, I conceded that they are technically different.
Also, thanks to xXxLoveMeHateMexXx for joining Tanny Apple as a beta reader.