Chapter 10

The Present Past

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; he leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. -Psalm 23.

"I don't think you should tell him, Shawn…after the way he treated you...I just couldn't, girl," said Angie with a hand on her hip and her leg turned out in her classic, "I've had it!" stance.

Stretched out on the bed, Shawn looked off into the distance and over her roommate's shoulder, her heartbreak only slightly outweighed by her despair. She was in a predicament, alone and pregnant, parentless and poor. If hindsight was 20/20, her vision was crystal clear upon reflection. The blame for her plight she set right at her own feet. She should have run the other way when she met Linwood Blake at the public library where they had both volunteered. But she let herself be drawn into his snare. He was obscenely good looking, very well-dressed, extremely well spoken, and never without money. Best of all he had been laser focused on her, Shawn Tinsley, who was by her own assessment just plain normal with a willingness to work hard as her only claim to fame or better yet, survival.

Shawn sighed audibly and then sat up on the bed, gingerly so as not to bring on more vomiting. "Angie, I have to tell him. I'm going to need help…money for insurance, daycare…I barely get by with my two part time jobs now, and soon our rental assistance from the transition program is going to run out."

Angie pulled up a chair and faced Shawn. "You think he's gonna do right by you? When all he's done is lie to your face about…everything! Okay, first, he said he was volunteering at the library because he wanted to, then come to find out he had to because of that DUI and his court appointed community service-"

"Angie, please-" Shawn gripped the mattress hoping to stave off her nausea and stay calm.

"Then he told you he didn't have a girlfriend, but he did and he dated both you at the-"

"They were broken up when we met, Angie and-"

"He said his parents were missionaries in Sierra Leone, but come to find out his dad is the mayor of Trenton and his mother is the head of that women's group-"

"Angie, stop! Please!...I don't need you to remind me of how stupid I was. I was there, okay…" Shawn couldn't finish as she was overcome with tears.

Angie grabbed a tissue and sat beside Shawn on the bed. "Aww, Shawn, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I hate what he's done. It was the best thing when y'all broke up two weeks ago. He's gone. Let him stay gone. I'll help you. I'm sure Mrs. Mitchell will help-" Angie rubbed Shawn's back.

"No. No. No," Shawn said, shaking her head for emphasis, "I can't tell her now. And you won't say anything until I can figure this out, okay? I don't know what I'm going to do about school or my internship."

Angie rolled her eyes and clucked her teeth.

"What is that all about, Angie?"

Angie gave Shawn a squeeze and rose from the bed. "Nothing, girl. I gotta go. I promised Mrs. Mitchell, I'd stop by the home to sit in on group today. She just got two new girls last week and they are very difficult."

Shawn's face brightened some. "Difficult like…um…you were? You were so badass, Angie. I never thought we'd be friends. I was so damn mad when Mrs. Mitchell assigned you to my room."

Angie smiled at the memory. "You were so Miss Goody Goody. You always went to group. You got good grades and you went to all your classes. Nobody understood why you were at a group home, well except for me-"

Shawn smirked and then interrupted. "Not until your nosey ass started looking for something-"

Angie swerved her neck and interrupted back. "Until I knew all the details, I didn't understand why someone would want to live in a group home-"

"But now you know, Angie. My mother had died. I didn't know my father. My grandmother was no longer there to take care of me. It was better than living with a foster family. I know Linwood is no good, but I won't keep my baby from knowing who his…or her father is like my mom did with me. If Linwood isn't interested in helping me, I'll have to find another way."

Angie grabbed another tissue and gave it to Shawn. "Whatever you decide to do, I'll be there for you. You my girl. Ride or die. Don't keep this from Mrs. Mitchell, though. She won't look down on you Shawn…"

Shawn stood to her feet and gave Angie a hug. "Thanks, Angie. Now go, so you won't be late. You know Mrs. Mitchell always starts on time."

Angie hugged her back. "Okay, girl. You should come too," she pulled back and said, "oh I forgot that quick. You're seeing him tonight, Mr. Preppy Rough Neck. Call me when he gets here and when he leaves."

"I will, Angie." Shawn rolled her eyes at Angie's overprotectiveness and the hidden intimation that Linwood was dangerous. Her stomach turned just as Angie left the room so she bounded for the toilet.

Later that night Shawn sat next to Linwood on her tiny patio, convinced she had made a mistake inviting him to her apartment. When she opened the door to him, he had enveloped her in a tight hug. Being there had felt too good to Shawn. She had to remind herself why he was here. In the 30 minutes he had been there, he had launched into a long diatribe about how much he missed her, loved her, and needed her. She was almost under his spell again until he mentioned needing her help.

"So baby, I need your help. It's as if you knew I needed you and called me just in time. We were always in sync like that, Shawn. I just need a small sample because I know without a doubt, they'll be doing a random drug test soon. Those cleansing teas are not as effective as I thought," he said, reaching out to caress her chin.

Shawn didn't react as she had imagined herself reacting so many times when she replayed a possible meeting between them after the break up. In her imagination, she gave him a slap across the face and then said, "Get to steppin' and don't darken my door again, fool!"

However, it wasn't until she met Linwood that she understood what 'having good game' really meant. And he had it in spades. If she were a book, he had her weak spots doggie eared like pages. If she were a piano, he knew how to play symphonies on her keys. With Linwood it was a combination of things. In the 13 months since they met-11 months as a couple-he knew her, really knew her. Then there was his face and body. He had smooth walnut colored skin, a wide smile punctuated by deep dimples, and light brown eyes. His stocky muscular build enabled by intense sports training gave him the appearance that he was older than his 18 years. In fact she was the oldest by a couple of months. In addition he was a smooth talker who loved to hold court. All these qualities made for an exciting combination for Shawn, making Linwood unlike any other boy she'd met before.

Instead of standing and turning out her knee like Angie would, she closed her eyes and leaned into his caress, silently castigating herself for her lack of willpower. He leaned over and kissed her. She let him, opening her mouth to the familiar foray of his tongue. It felt good until the sound of a car horn on the street brought her back to her senses.

She pushed at his chest. "Linwood, stop," she said, "I didn't ask you to come here tonight to get back together."

He looked unconvinced. "Really, Shawn? I think…no, I know you've wanted to before now, but you listen to your ghetto roommate who changes your mind every-"

"Stop calling her that! She's not ghetto. We're from the same place so you're calling me that too."

"No. You are better than her-"

"Linwood, you know what? I don't want to talk about that. I need to tell you something…important so just listen. I'm…I'm pregnant."

He frowned and flinched as if he'd been slapped. "Pregnant? How can you be pregnant? We've been broken up."

Shawn rolled her eyes. "So! We've done it without a condom a couple of times and it only takes-"

"But I pulled out!"

"Well, obviously you didn't do it fast enough! And don't try to say this baby isn't yours. Unlike you, I wasn't dating someone else, Linwood! And I was a virgin so…"

"I didn't say that, Shawn!"

"Stop hollering at me!" she screamed.

"But you're yelling at me!" he screamed back.

They looked at each other intensely until Linwood did something that angered Shawn. He began laughing. She could do nothing but watch him for a second until his laughs seemed like an assault against her. She felt alone and all the more pitiful for his laughing. She jerked up from the plastic patio chair and stormed inside.

"Shawn, where are you going? Come back," he called after her, following her inside and through the patio door.

She made it to the sofa where she collapsed in tears. He sat beside her. "Shawn, don't cry. Damn it! I'm sorry for laughing. I'm not laughing at you! Damn!"

She pushed at him. "Just leave me alone. Angie was right! I shouldn't have told you a damn thing. You don't care about me. You're just a liar!"

He held her and took her blows. She decided to give in to her imaginary inclinations to slap him. When the attempts at slapping were successful, he hugged her around the arms to prevent her from getting another one in. She eventually stopped fighting and let him hold her.

"So what are you…we...going to do?" he said.

She pulled back and looked at him quizzically through puffy eyes. "What do you mean?" she whispered.

"Are you going to have it? What are we going to do?" he repeated.

"I'm going to have the baby, Linwood. There's no 'we.' I had to tell you because I really need help. Financial help…You know I don't have any family…I wouldn't ask if I did. I have thought about it and with my two jobs, school, and my internship, I can't do it by myself-"

"Wait, Shawn! Haven't you heard anything I said since I got here. I love you. I want us to get back together. Now, a baby…I need some time to let it all sink in, but I'm not going to let you do this alone."

"Linwood, please just stop. You must really need me to pee in a cup for you, because this is not the way I expected you to react," she said.

He lifted his hands in a sort of surrender. "Shawn, I know I have no right to be mad at you for that. I know I treated you wrong, baby. I was a dog for dating you and Valerie at the same time…for the things I said about you to my cousin that night…for everything. Listen Shawn, I realized something during these two weeks…I love you, really love you. I don't care what my family might think about you when I tell them about us…and I am going to tell them, Shawn. I'm not with Valerie anymore either. She's not you. She doesn't know me like you do. She doesn't push me to be a better person like you do or help me to realize what's important in life or how to appreciate what I have…"

"Linwood, please stop trying to run game on me because it is not-"

"Run game on you? You don't even talk like that. That's Angie talking. I'm not trying to play you. I really do mean everything I'm saying, baby."

"I really do mean everything I'm saying, baby."

These words rang in Shawn's ears, but she wasn't in her old apartment. She was in Linwood's SUV pleading with him to take her back to the bench where he'd picked her up. She was no longer the Shawn of Trenton, New Jersey. She had a new life now in Chicago with a baby to raise. She couldn't go back and risk Lincoln's life no matter how much she missed Angie, Mrs. Mitchell, or her old life. Seeing Linwood had taken her back to that critical night when she succumb to him once again. That night after he assured her of his undying love and his intention to support her and the baby even from college in North Carolina, she'd believed him. They had made love and she'd given him her urine to use for the random drug testing. Almost eight months later someone had beaten her and left her for dead 800 miles away from her home. It had to be Linwood. As much as she didn't want to believe he would try to kill her, it had to be him.

She was shaking with fear that Lincoln's life was in danger and that Linwood was that danger. She glanced back at Lincoln in the carseat, thankful he was asleep. She made a decision to do all she could to get back home.

"Linwood, please, just take me back. I won't tell anyone…I haven't told anyone. Please don't hurt us. I don't want anything from you. I don't know how you found me but, please just let us go!"

"Shawn, I don't understand why you left without a word. I'm sorry for being late for the appointment, but my dad called me out of the blue to come to his office. I tried to call you but I couldn't get you. I don't know what happened that day, but I do know that things were good between us. I was ready to tell my parents…"

"Why are you acting like you don't know what you did, Linwood? Are you here to personally finish the job?"

Without warning, he took the exit that was coming up and didn't stop until they were in the parking lot of a gas station. "Shawn, what the hell are you talking about? Finish what job? You disappeared. I haven't seen you for almost a month. You had the baby. What is going on?"

He looked genuinely confused to Shawn, but she had a difficult time trusting her instincts around him. She'd been wrong before, obviously, unless he wasn't the one behind the beating. But if he wasn't who was? "If I tell you, will you take me back? You can't just kidnap me and my baby and then threaten me-"

"You can't just run away, Shawn. I said that about calling the police to get you to come with me. If I turned you in for giving me the samples, I'd get in trouble too. I'll…take you…back there. Please tell me what is going on."

Shawn reached in her pocket and squeezed her phone just to ensure it was still there. She took a deep breath. "That day when you were supposed to pick me up from work for the appointment, you were late so when I couldn't reach you I called Angie. She said she could take me to my appointment. Then I got a text from you that said you were outside. I came to the parking lot and walked to your SUV. That's all I remember until I woke up in the hospital. I don't know what happened or how I got to that park in Chicago left for dead."

"So you think I did that to you?" Linwood looked angry. He turned away from her.

"I know you did or had someone do it. Who else would drug me, beat me, and then transport me across several states to die? There was barely a news story about me. I checked the internet. You tried to take my life because you saw me as a threat. Linwood, just let me go. Just take me back home and go back to your life. Go to college."

Shawn observed him. He was turned away. She thought her words were making an impact on him. She hoped they were.

He finally turned around to face her. His face held an expression she couldn't interpret, but it was fear mixed sadness and dread. "Shawn, I know you don't believe me, but I had nothing to do with that. But I think I know who did."

"Who?"

"I can't say until I check some things out…to make sure it's...who...I think it is," he said.

"I don't care, Linwood. Just take me back, please."

"Okay," he turned the ignition just as low whimpers came from the back seat. Lincoln started to fret.

"Wait. I'm going to get in the back with him." She quickly exited the front door and hopped in the back. Lincoln needed a diaper change. After she did that, she reached in her pocket for her cell phone and dialed Fitz.

Olivia fluffed the pillows and situated her head at a different angle. The hospital chair was surprising comfortable, but she knew sleep wasn't coming any time soon. She couldn't stop the waves of worry rolling over her about Shawn and Lincoln. She'd prayed, pleated, and bargained with God, hoping for their safety. When her cell phone buzzed with a text alert, she groped for it, discovering it between the chair cushion. She willed it to be Shawn. Instead, it was Fitz.

Fitz: I heard from Shawn. She is fine. She wants me to pick her up in front of that copy center. Lincoln is fine too. I'll call you when I get them. I love you.

Olivia grabbed her chest as a rush of relief shot through her. She glanced over at Edison who was sleeping serenely. Torn between a duty to stay with Edison and a need to make sure Shawn and Lincoln were safe, she stood frozen in place, weighing, contemplating. She reached for a notepad on the table beside Edison's hospital bed and scribbled a message to him. After leaving word with the nurse that she had to leave and would be back in the morning, she phoned Fitz as she walked out of the automatic hospital doors.

"Livy, you got my text?"

"Yes, I'm going to meet you there. And don't try to stop me."

She could feel his smile through the phone. Then he chuckled. "I wasn't going to try. I knew you would want to see them both."

"Did she say anything…why she left…how she left?"

"Honey, no. She didn't say much aside from assuring me she was alright and where to meet her. Oh, and that she was about...um...less than an hour away."

Olivia slid inside the car and shut the door. "Fitz, when we get Shawn and Lincoln, I want to bring them back to my house tonight. I'll go back to the hospital in the morning."

"Are you sure, Liv? I can take them to my house. Mellie and the kids aren't there tonight-"

"No. I want them at my house."

"Okay."

"Linwood, you can let me out around the block so my ride won't see you," Shawn said when they were two blocks away from the drop off point.

"I don't care if your…ride sees me. Who is it?"

She glanced at his reflection in the rearview mirror. "It doesn't matter who-"

"It does matter…" His voice trailed off as they coasted down the street. He parked illegally in front of the bench. Shawn looked around and took in a breath of relief when she saw Fitz's car parked behind a corvette. She unbuckled Lincoln's car seat.

"Shawn, before you go…could you give me some way to contact you?"

Shawn glanced up at him looking at her and Lincoln. "Why would I do that? I need to go…" She looked away and continued to unravel Lincoln's seat from the buckles and straps. She looked out of the window and smiled when she saw Olivia exit the corvette. Linwood followed her gaze.

"Who are they?" he said.

She ignored him and began reaching for her bags, but her leg protested in pain. She grimaced.

"What's wrong?" he said reaching for her. She jerked away and reached for her cell phone. She sent a quick text to Fitz.

I'm in the SUV in front of bench.

She looked over and saw Fitz glance down at his phone. He said something to Olivia, grabbed her hand, and they began walking toward the vehicle. Linwood witnessed the exchange also. He unlocked the door and got out of the car. Shawn tried to follow, but the click of the locks prevented her. They must have been child safety locks because she couldn't get out.

Linwood walked around the front of the car and met them before they reached her side. She couldn't hear what was being said. Her thoughts raced. Linwood didn't seem threatening but genuinely flummoxed by her disappearance and her accusations that he was the cause. He also seemed older now. It had only been a month since she saw him, but it seemed like much longer. By now he was 19 and she was 20. She wondered what he meant when he said he knew who may have been responsible. Even though they had reconciled 8 months ago, she still hadn't met his parents, only a cousin and two of his friends, all male. Had they done it? Shawn started to ache all over possibly because after seeing Fitz and Olivia, the adrenaline had drained from her body. She was nearly home. She craned her neck to see through the darkly tinted window. Linwood was doing most of the talking. Fitz and Olivia were listening intently. After awhile, the locks clicked and Olivia walked to her side of the car. Linwood and Fitz walked away and continued talking.

Before she could process anything, the door swung open and Olivia was reaching out to her. "Oh Shawn, are you okay, sweetheart!"

Shawn started crying and burying her face in Olivia's shoulder, holding on tightly. She nodded, 'yes'.

"We were so worried about you and Lincoln," she said pulling back. She reached in her purse for tissues and began wiping Shawn's face. "Are you sore? How's your leg? I'm so sorry about what happened with Edison."

"It's o-o-kay, Livs."

"How is Lincoln?" Olivia reached over her and touched his cheek.

"Thankfully, he s-s-slept through most of…it…what are they talking about? What did he t-tell you?"

"Shawn, let's get you home, okay? You must be tired and hungry. We will deal with that later," she said, grabbing a bag and moving back to help Shawn out of the SUV. She grabbed another bag and Lincoln's carrier. "I'll tell Fitz to get the other bag and stroller pieces."

"I can carry something, Livs."

Ignoring Shawn's attempts to help, Olivia grabbed her hand and led her to Fitz's car. Shawn looked back just in time to catch Linwood's gaze. He looked sad. She turned away and focused on getting in the car. When they drove away in Fitz's car, Shawn looked at him again. He was looking at Fitz with a scowl on his face. Fitz seemed to be scolding him like a child if body language was any indication. For some reason that made her smile, she laid her head back on the seat, slid her pinky finger in Lincoln's fisted hand, and took her first real breath of the night. She was going home.

Olivia stood in the doorway of Shawn's room. Fitz stood behind her with his arms around her waist. They watched Shawn and Lincoln sleep.

Once they returned to Olivia's house they didn't speak of what happened. When Fitz arrived in the corvette about 30 minutes later, they still did not speak of the events. They barely said anything. At Shawn's request, Olivia made her chicken noodle soup and buttered toast. Fitz fed Lincoln a bottle while Shawn showered. He put Lincoln to sleep and they sat at the kitchen table and watched Shawn eat. They didn't talk about much of anything, all in unspoken agreement to table the discussion of Linwood or Shawn's past for another time. They fell into a sort of domestic routine that seemed effortless even though they had never done it before. Shawn finished and rose from the table. When she picked up her bowl, her hand began to shake. Fitz took the bowl and placed it back on the table.

"I'll get those, Shawn," said Olivia. They had hugged her and she padded off to bed.

Now, as Fitz and Olivia watched them sleeping, they were both content. The problems they faced were not forgotten, but held in reserve for a moment. Olivia closed her eyes and squeezed Fitz's arms. He leaned in and hugged her tighter. After awhile when she felt heavy again him, he realized she had drifted off to sleep standing up. He picked her up and walked to the sofa. After grabbing a throw blanket, he stretched out on the sofa with her on top of him as that was the only way they could rest comfortably. She stirred when he worked to maneuver the blanket over them.

"Can you…?" she said

"Yes, I can stay till morning."

"Fitz?"

"Hmm?"

She yawned and moved her head around on his chest until she found a comfortable spot. "You can't be comfortable, and there's work tomorrow. On second thought, I should probably let…you go home…"

"Livy, are you comfortable?"

"Yes," she said before another yawn rolled out of her.

"So...just go to sleep."

She didn't answer because she did just that.