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Chapter Ten
RPOV
"Are you ready, Dimitri?"
I stood in the doorway, he was looking at himself in the mirror. His dress blues pressed and his badge glimmering in the sunlight coming through the window. He tied his hair back at the nape of his neck, combed perfectly so it wouldn't fall free around his face. His eyes were already showing the severe signs of fatigue, heavy bags hung underneath. The light that was normally ever-present had vanished. A blue cord wrapped around his right shoulder and white gloves covered his large hands, signaling him as Honor Guard. He would be one of the six to carry Neil to rest, to fold his flag and fire three of the 21 shots. He was honored to do it, but I knew it was killing him inside. The last few nights he hasn't slept more than an hour at a time, waking in cold sweats and screaming for Neil to breathe again. I have tried to comfort him, but he doesn't seem to want that. So today, I will tread carefully, hoping I don't do anything to cause added stress.
"Dad and Suzanne just left with the kids, so whenever you are ready, I will be downstairs."
I waited on the couch, smoothing the skirt of my dress over and over again. I have never been to an Officers funeral before, so I could only hope I looked appropriate. I chose a sleeveless black lace dress, with a blue underskirt falling just below my knees, and a black shaw. I left my face bare of makeup, knowing I would cry it off anyways, and my hair down, falling in natural soft waves to my waist.
Running my clammy palms over the skirt one more time, I heard the door open to our room. Dimitri finally made his way down, to anyone else, he looked dashing in his blues, strong and resilient, but to someone like me who knew him so well, he looked sullen, completely broken. He had his mask securely in place, the damn poker face I have always hated, but could see right through. His eyes met mine, they didn't sparkle or show the slightest bit of love they always did, they were empty.
"You look beautiful, Roza," his voice devoid of any emotion.
I was actually taken aback by the despondent tone he held. Unable to form words, I simply nodded my thanks and headed out to his patrol car. Today would be hard for all of us, Dimitri on the Guard and Mason and I are singing a memorial song I wrote. I felt blessed that they had chosen me to do this for him and his family, but at the same time, I was terrified. I wasn't sure I could make it through the whole song without crying, I hadn't yet. Mase and I practiced it a hundred times in the last day and a half, each time I shed more tears.
The doors of the city center opened, it had to be held here because so many people were attending a church wouldn't hold everyone, the room was full of men and women in blue and tan. So many different patches covered the floor. As far as Maryland and wide as California, all these people turned out to celebrate one man's life, honor his sacrifice. It blew me away to see how many people came to pay respects to someone they didn't know. I understand his department, they knew him, were his family and friends, but there were a lot of people he never met here today. I guess this thing they call "The Thin Blue Line" stretches a lot further than I ever thought.
I was understanding more about this life Dimitri chose, with the help of Mason and Celeste, it was starting to make sense. I just didn't realize how big this system is, how many people are in the same situation I am. If they can make it, so can I, I hope.
The services started and before I knew, I was being signaled to take the stage with Mason. Looking around, I felt like I was back in my nightmare. Everything here looked much like it did when I watched Dimitri's "funeral". Pushing those thoughts away, I looked at Mason. He gave me a smile, whispering that I would be fine, and the music started.
(Mason is Bold, Rose is Italics, Both in Regular Print)
A cup of coffee and one more kiss
Before I walk out the door
You said I love you a thousand times
I still say love you more
You pull me close and you hold me tight
Hoping it won't be the last time
Then you tell me please be safe
As you watch me walk away
When it's late in the night and your closing your eyes
To say your bedtime prayers
Holding back your tears
Waging wars on your fears
Wishing I could only be there
I could be saving a life or losing one
It's just the nature of the beast
But when you Sirens
Don't worry for me
Those voices call on the radio
So I have to be on my way
Wish I could stay here beside you
Just taking in your face but
I made a promise and took a vow
And there's a stranger that needs me now
And if my baby boy should wake
Tell him I will keep him safe
But When it's late in the night and
your closing your eyes
To say your bedtime prayers
Holding back your tears
Waging wars on your fears
Wishing I could only be there
I could be saving a life or losing one
It's just the nature of the beast
But when you Sirens
Don't worry for me
Don't worry, yeaahh
We had no way of knowing it
When we said goodbye that day
We took an oath to be running in
While others ran away
It's been awhile since you've seen my face
Rested safely in my embrace
Oh, but when you think of me
I am wrapped in heavens peace
When it's late in the night and
your closing your eyes
To say your bedtime prayers
Wipe away your tears and
when you feel me near
Hold on tight I'll always be near
Always be near
This is a perfect world I'm living in
And I can't wait for you to see
But When you hear sirens
Oh when you hear sirens, my love
When you hear sirens
Sirens...
Remember me
Oh Remember me
Oh Remember me
There was not a dry eye in the entire room, including my own. I didn't blubber like a baby, but a few traitors made it out. Hanging my microphone back on the stand, I caught Dimitri's gaze. I already knew he would cry, he did when he heard Mase and I rehearse, but seeing his face now, every fiber of me hurt for him.
I think he was beating himself up so much because he wasn't on the road when it happened. With the threats against him and our family, Chief had pulled him the day before the shooting. He strongly believes he would have made a difference if he had been there, but I am not convinced. From what Mason told me, there would have been no chance to save him. One bullet pierced his neck, severing the artery, he went quickly. Luckily, he was able to provide something of a description before he passed, even if the suspect was long gone before anyone got there.
Tasha performed the last call for Neil, I have to give her credit. She sounded so confident, and strong, I would never have been able to do that. I never heard one before, other than the one in my dreams, a frigid chill settled over my skin as his name was paged. Knowing there would be no answer, something about it left a cold feeling in my heart. I kept imagining the day they call for Dimitri. The silence on the other end as they called him over and over. The dispatcher that would handle it. Would it be someone he knew, someone he worked with and trusted? Would it really matter?
When Tasha finished, everyone and thing were silent, only the sound of sobs from several people broke through the tension. The guns rang out, twenty-one shots were fired and Amazing Grace played on the bagpipes. It was over.
"Dad said they could keep the kids if you wanted to go have dinner and a quiet night in?"
"I just want to go home, I'm not really in the mood to go out."
I didn't know it was possible for him to be more emotionless than he was this morning. Continuing to walk on eggshells, I nodded and climbed into his cruiser.
**Break**
The next two weeks continued the same way. I walked on eggshells around him, attempting to talk to him every day only to be pushed further away. I was ready to give up, though the mixture of Hathaway and Muzar blood didn't allow me too, at least not yet. I tried thinking of ways to get him out of his shell, the funk he has sunk himself into. Since he was on desk duty we had extra time together, so we did a few family outings. Based off of his body language, since he still wasn't talking much, he was miserable. Sasha was so excited at the zoo, but Dimitri seemed like he wanted to be anywhere but there. His face stayed in his cold mask, not even breaking for his children. Misha kept asking me what was wrong with his Papa, I didn't know what to say. I told him his heart was still hurting, but that he would be okay. Misha being the loving little boy he is, clung to his Papa, telling him he loves him over and over again. Dimitri smiled at him, but it didn't reach his eyes and honestly looked forced as hell.
I was starting to worry I had lost my Comrade with Neil. The man I married is not the man lying in bed next to me. The man I married was strong, confident, passionate, loving and courageous. He was funny, always making me smile, and joyful always had an air around him that just made you happy being in his presence. The man lying next to me was cold, defeated, resentful and above all, distant. He wouldn't let anyone in, not me, not the kids, not even his Mama, no one.
My biggest fear in the world was losing Dimitri in his line of work. Getting the phone call or knock at the door to tell me my husband has been killed and I will never see him again. Never hold him, make love to him, simply sit and talk to him. I never dreamed I would lose him while he is still alive.
DPOV
After the funeral for Raymond, I stuck to my desk schedule with Tasha. She helped me make the inquires for Ben and Nathan, checking different systems that I didn't even know about. We also looked into Moore's burglary cases to try and find any significance to what they stole or the houses they hit. Nothing. On the only bright side, neither Rose or I have received any other notes or gifts. It seemed they are laying low, for the time being, something must have happened between the three to make them pull back. Abe had said the sand that was sent to his house was probably an accident, maybe that slip up has them worried. I hope so. If they are questioning each other or already making menial mistakes, it's only a matter of time before they are caught.
The last two weeks, I was on autopilot, counting down the hours until I was back on the road. I was tired of sitting behind a damn desk. I was no use to anyone there, I needed to be out on the street. I needed the physical activity to drown out the mental battle I was fighting every day. I still blame myself for his death. If I would have been out there, I could have done something, anything, to help him. I could have made a difference. But thanks to the psycho that is after my wife, I am stuck in an office until Chief deems me "safe" to return to real work.
I stood in front of Rose's floor length mirror, staring at a man I didn't recognize in the reflection. His eyes were dull, not the normal warm chocolate that I see in my daughter, but more like a puddle of mud. Dark circles laid underneath with heavy bags, almost like a black eye. His skin was pale, laking signs of life and happiness. Hair that was normally silky and shining in the sunlight, was lackluster and oily. Lastly, his body language, once so confident in the uniform that deemed him a protector, was defeated. His shoulders slumped forward and his frame appeared smaller. He was not the confident, headstrong superhero anymore. He was a man with a heavy burden weighing him down, defeat and depression hanging over his head.
"Dimitri?"
I saw Rose standing in the door from the corner of the mirror, her face sullen. Catching her eye, she walked toward me to wrap her small arms around my waist.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"
What is the meaning of "Okay", is there really an answer to that? I wasn't okay, far from okay, but I didn't want her to know how badly I was hurting.
"Once I'm out there it will get easier. It has been hard sitting in the dugout," rolling over it, I shrugged off her concern.
I didn't deserve her worry, her love and affection, I deserved nothing. She must have felt my body start to tense because she let go and took a few steps back. I turned around to meet her eyes, I don't know what she saw in mine, but tears welled quickly in hers. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't. I wanted to tell her everything would be okay, but that would be a lie. I wanted to tell her I love her, but my voice wouldn't let me. I wanted to let her in, but my heart was guarded and that bitch was not coming down anytime soon. I couldn't afford to let anyone in, only to have them see how destroyed I really am.
"I have to go, Eddie wants to meet with me before the briefing," my voice sounded foreign to my own ears.
"Okay, please be safe."
"Always am."
I drove in silence, no music, not even turning on my car radio to hear what was presently going on in the city. I needed the twenty-minute drive to collect my thoughts, to push the bad ones away and focus on my task at hand. When I pulled into the parking lot, Eddie and Mason were waiting for me.
"Everything alright," I looked between them.
"Yeah, I just wanted to touch base with you both before the briefing. You are two of the best units I have, so I need you in sector fourteen today."
"Why?" Mase and I asked at the same time.
Sector fourteen was a low-class area, poverty-stricken and not much for activity. Half of the houses on the block were abandoned and the ones that were occupied were elderly couples that have lived there for decades.
Eddie looked around, making sure we were alone and no one would overhear.
"We believe the person who shot Neil is squatting in that area."
"Do you know who it was?" my hope shot up.
"No, but the dash cam footage caught a Blue Chevy Malibu picking up the suspect seconds after the shooting, it has been spotted several times in the area before. It's a newer model with no damage, it doesn't belong there. We are still working on getting his body cam footage, it was damaged."
"Did we find out who the car belonged to?" Mason questioned.
"We traced it back to a rental company, but we have to get a judge to sign off on a warrant for them to release any information. We should have it in a few days. In the meantime, you two will stay in that area, you are not to leave unless there is a priority call that needs attending. I want you to watch the streets and see if you can find anything out of the ordinary. Radio me for all inquiries you make. Understood?"
"Yes, Sir," Mase and I spoke in unison.
Great, I get back on the road and now we are sitting around doing nothing. For half a second I wished to be back on the desk, then I thought better of it. At least being out here I can help if needed. Besides, dispatching is tough work, I would rather be out here trapped in my thoughts, then in there unable to move if needed.
"You can take the undercover, pick up the keys from the motor pool."
We headed inside and sat through the briefing, not much to report so it was quick. There was no mention of Raymond's suspect's location or about Mason and I on special assignment. We made our way through the department to pick up the undercover unit. I was surprised to be handed the keys to a brand new Dodge Charger in Jet Black. I thought to myself, this will stick out like a sore thumb in that neighborhood, even with ghost graphics on it.
"Do you have any that are older, a caprice maybe," I asked.
"Dude," Mase smacked my arm.
"What? You really think we will blend in with that?"
"No, but it's a bad ass car," he whisper-yelled.
"Maybe next time," I shrugged.
The older male returned, a scowl on his face, he really hates his job I guess. I thanked him and took the old Chevy keys. The car he gave us was parked at the very back end of our lot, dirt covered it in a thick layer. When I said older I didn't mean the Flintstone age, but as long as it runs I won't complain. Turning it over, the engine came to life, hiccuping a few times before it settled into a dull roar. Mase just looked at me, he was not excited about driving around in this heap. Honestly, neither was I, it smelt like stale McDonalds and horrible body odor, but we needed to blend in.
We drove around for a while, not finding the blue Malibu that Eddie described. Stopping to grab a bite, we parked ourselves on the end of Sunset St, concealed in the shadows. Mason broke the silence first.
"How is Rose doing? I know this whole thing must have been hard on her."
"She seems to be okay, I guess."
"You two are talking, right? Not keeping things bottled up?"
"What does it matter," I snapped.
"Hey, I am just trying to help, you shouldn't keep your emotions locked up. From one officer to another, that is signing your own death certificate."
"I am fine, Rose is fine, everyone is fine, okay," my voice grew darker with each word.
"Sure you are," Mase spoke under his breath.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
He set his food on the dash, turning in his seat to look straight at me.
"Listen, Dimitri, She didn't want me to say anything but I am going to anyways. You are being a complete and utter jackass. We all lost Neil, not just you! Rose has tried to talk to you and you push her away at every instance. She feels like she is walking around on pins and needles around you, and the kids see it too. Mikey keeps asking her what is wrong with you and she is running out of excuses to tell him. Pull your head out of your ass and man up. Yes, losing him sucked, for everyone, but do you think this is how he would want anyone to act in his memory. Do you think he wants you sulking over the fact that you couldn't save him?" he paused to breathe, giving me a chance to say something, but I had nothing. "Let me tell you something Belikov, nothing would have saved him, get that. Grow a fucking pair and be the man she married, the man she has loved her whole life!"
I sat back in the seat, my head spinning in a whirlwind. Has it really been that bad?
"Look, I understand needing time to process and understand what happened, but you can't keep pushing everyone that loves you away. We care about you and we want to see you get back to your old self."
"You care about me, you were chewing my ass two seconds ago."
"Tough love, Partner. I only said it because no one else will. Rose is too scared she will set off the ticking time bomb in your head, and your family is worried you will fall into a spell like he did."
"What they think I will turn into a drunk and beat Rose?" the idea of that was insane, I would never do something like that.
"You wouldn't be the first, it happens all the time in this job. Some of the best, the ones everyone thought would never do it, did. You let your guilt and anger get the better of you. Go home and have a beer, then one turns into three, then six and the cycle doesn't stop there."
"I am not my father," disdain dripped from my lips. I loathe that man, I will never turn into him.
"Prove it."
He picked up his sandwich and started eating again, leaving me to think about everything he said. Maybe I have been too self-absorbed in what happened with Neil, I knew I shouldn't blame myself, but for some reason, I couldn't let it go. Something in the back of my mind kept telling me it was all my fault. There was a constant nagging voice in my head that blamed me for all things bad in the world. I needed to find a way to shut it up or things will just get worse. I refused to become like him. I would never, never, hurt my wife like he did. Then again, does it matter if it is a physical or emotional pain? Am I already becoming him by pushing her away? Making her feel like she can't walk without me going apeshit on her? Am I turning into my father?
Then, the fact that Mason knew everything that was going on at home, everything that I have been doing. Rose has been talking and confiding in him for everything, when it should be me she confides in. How did I get to this point? How could I let things get this bad?
"I will, I will fix it."
"Good, you two need to find a balance, because honestly, I think she is…" he stopped, realizing he was about to say something he didn't mean to.
"She is what?" the world stopped moving, my heart stopped beating, the air leaving my lungs in one foul swoosh as he spoke his next words.
He sighed heavily, "Ready to leave."
Author's Note:
Song Used: Sirens (feat. Nikki Dee) · Joe Banua (I don't own it, but the link is on my facebook if you want to hear it, it's amazing)
Please don't hate me, I promise there is a reason for it.
With that said, please leave your thoughts and review. I love hearing from you all! Next update probably won't be until Sunday, I have a very busy week/weekend coming up!
Much love, Katarina