APOV
Christian pulled me into his arms after we each caught our breath. He then laid there, gently tracing the curve of my breasts with his finger and held me for so long while I agonized over what he was thinking. I knew he was leaving soon, and for some reason the way he was acting, it felt like goodbye.
But finally he began to speak and my fears were slightly quieted by his unexpected line of questioning. "Why do you enjoy me spanking you so much? It's obvious it gives you pleasure but what makes a person enjoy pain in that way?" I look up at him and see genuine concern in his eyes but I'm glad he's actually asking Instead of assuming the worst. Maybe this will allow him the chance to understand a little more about my world and what draws people to it. I want him to commit to this with me but I can see how that's hard for him to do right now. The more he asks and learns, the more he can fully give himself to this without worry.
"Pain is the very same as pleasure. They're each one side of the same coin, an intense sensation either way you look at it." I answer him coyly, as I know what he's really getting at. The same question all of us in this lifestyle get asked eventually.
"Alright Ms. Steele, assuming I understand that, which I don't, you weren't born knowing that. What happened to make you subject yourself to pain in the first place?"
And there it is… "What happened to you"
"Mmm, such a common misconception, but nothing happened to me. I have no trauma in my past that lead me here. I just prefer it. It's always felt right to me, from the very moment I first learned of it." This has become somewhat of my standard response. It's completely true but I find it infuriating that people almost look disappointed to hear there's not more to it. As if they were hoping for me to have some past horror to provide them with some titillating drama. But not Christian. No, he actually looks relieved.
"So just how did you come to learn of it?"
"Let's see, I guess the very first time was when I was in undergrad. I went to USC with my friend Kate. She studied journalism and I was a film major. Anyway, freshman year, as part of her gen-ed classes, she took human sexuality. One day she came home telling me this story about a couple of guest speakers they had in class. It was a man and woman who were part of the BDSM lifestyle and in a Dom/sub relationship together. They'd done a few demonstrations for the class, and as Kate told it, one in particular where he put her up on the table in front of the lecture hall, tied her up, and put a blindfold and gag on her. Then he started using a flogger on her ass with an occasional up stoke that was hitting her pussy. So after a while of that, I guess she had this crazy orgasm even though that wasn't part of the plan. When the demonstration was over, she apologized and said that she 'wasn't able to stop it', and that her 'Dom has tremendous control over her body,' something like that, but I guess she was actually really embarrassed. Knowing what I know now about Dom's though, he knew exactly what he was doing. He pushed her to do something she probably felt shy about, and I'm sure he throughly enjoyed watching her experience it. Anyway, the whole idea of it just really turned me on, so I started to research more about it. Eventually, I went to a club here in LA where I met a few friends, Leila and Susannah, they were experienced subs and really involved in the community. They taught me what the lifestyle was actually about, how much intricacy was involved, and they helped me meet two of my first Doms." With this statement Christian jumps up and lands with a hand next to each side of my head. He towers over me, looking playful yet still quite menacing.
"Just how many Doms have you had Anastasia?" He asks as he leans down closer to my face, waiting not so patiently for my response.
"I had several short term arrangements, and then my last for 6 years. Now, I have You."
"And what about after me?"
What an odd response...
I don't know what to make of it actually, but his eyes reveal that he's no longer so lighthearted.
"I think that's up to you now" I say with a sweet smile, hoping to lessen his concern. After a few moments of an expression fraught with stress, he sighs and moves to stand. Without another word or look in my direction, he's dressed and readying himself to leave. He's struggling with conflict, that much is obvious. But the time I've spent with him this weekend has me curious as to the true source of his troubles. His emotional coldness, his mercurial temperament, those burn scars…
"Christian, I know you have to leave tonight but I wanted to ask you about something." I say, feeling like history is repeating itself, with him practically running out the door again. I stand and insert myself into his view, making it harder for him to carryout his escape. "You have to know that at all times, we have to be open and honest with each other, it's imperative." He pauses his actions and finally graces me with the gaze of his beautiful stormy gray eyes. "I noticed the scars on your chest. Will you please tell me what happened?" And in an instant, I know he's not going to say, his eyes and a small grimace across his lips telling me that whatever it is, it's far too painful for him to rehash.
"I had a rough start in life, that's all you need to know." He
replies with a resolute tone. I know not to push him any further, but he still needs to understand why I asked.
"Okay," I answer softly. "I would just hate to have something we do together trigger something from your past Christian. It's safer for me to know then not. But I'm choosing to trust that you know yourself." He nods slightly and sidesteps me, quickly gone through the door and out of sight. With a sigh, I follow him dutifully, catching up to him just as he's about to open the front door. With his hand outstretched, his intention obviously to open it but, he suddenly his mind changes. Instead, he turns and rushes me, narrowing the space between us until I'm against the wall and his hands are wrapped firmly across my cheeks. With the same predatory stare he wore the moment I first met him, he kisses me hard, claiming my mouth as his.
"You won't be with anyone else after I leave?" he asks after we break to catch our breath. I sigh at him again, saddened to see that not only does he not understand how seriously I take our arrangement, but he also doesn't realize how attracted to him I am. I don't think I could feel even slightly turned on by any other human right now, not after feeling what it's like to have him.
"No Christian. For now, I belong to you, and my pleasure belongs to you. I promise you, I won't cum until the next time you make me cum."
"Fuck, do I have to refrain as well?" He asks me, looking laughably concerned.
"Certainly not. You make the rules remember? I do it out of respect for you, and because it makes me need you, and the more I need you, the more likely I am to obey you." With this answer, his shoulders visibly relax. He must like the idea. Actually, I think he likes the idea quite a lot.
CPOV
While on my flight home to Seattle, I try to catch up on some emails but I can't fucking concentrate. It was so hard to leave her that, fuck.. I can truly say, I almost didn't. Had I not already gotten so behind on a tremendous amount of work, I would've simply demanded she spend a few more days with me. But If I'm understanding things correctly, I do hold the power to do that after all. Though, as much as I enjoy power, I wasn't pleased or relieved to hear her say it was up to me regarding there being another Dom after me. If only I could have it my way, no one else would ever have her. She's mine. The thought of another man touching her makes me furious and sick at the same time. But lurking just behind that possessiveness is the clear certainty that I can't hold on to her forever. I'm not made to be a permanent fixture in anyone's life. At some point, I'll have to let her go and apparently it will be all up to me to say when.
Sleeping this entire week has been practically impossible. Not only am I extremely sexually frustrated, having tasted Ana's perfection and yet currently being far apart from her, but my nightmares have been particularly more disturbing than usual. Last night, I dreamt of that son of a bitch burning my chest with his vile cigarettes. I woke, screaming and clawing at my chest, the pain was so real, it took me over an hour to shake the feeling and try to sleep again. Fortunately and yet also unfortunately, Anastasia crept into my thoughts and I couldn't think of anything but her until it was time to get up for my morning run.
Now that I'm home for the evening, I would love to get some rest but I need to speak with her first, I simply can't wait any longer. It's not that I intended to avoid contacting her but the last four days of space have been valuable for me to gain more perspective on this situation. It's not often that I enter into something without full understanding of the situation and with all facets being explored before hand. But after a great deal of thought, I see now that even though it can't last forever, this arrangement allows me to at least be with her for a good while. I'm more than capable of taking care of Anastasia's safety and well being, and I'm planning on becoming what she needs sexually, but most importantly, whatever emotions may be involved here, they're in a realm I feel I can manage. I know she can trust me completely, ...and oddly, I think I trust her as well.
I also feel better knowing that no one hurt her. She doesn't participate in this because of some fucked up past. I know what it's like to have been through hell, so I don't see myself capable of knowingly perpetuating a person's past violence. Her telling me that her proclivities come from simple desire, I feel optimistic about my ability to go deeper down this path with her. Enough so that I feel I may need much more in depth training than Ana is able to provide. She may know this game well, but only from one side and I would never want to cause her any actual harm. I just have no idea about how to go about it. And the way Ana learned, I certainly can't be seen in a club like that. I'll have to think of another way around it.
As I count the number of rings it takes for her to answer my call, I begin to feel myself tensing all over.
"Hello Sir," she finally answers just before I implode. I can hear that she's smiling and her sweet voice quickly feels like warmth washing over me.
"Anastasia, how are you?"
"I'm good. I'm happy you finally called, but I can't talk right now. I'm right in the middle of making dinner for a friend."
"What friend would that be?" and as soon as I ask, I hear a man's voice calling to her, 'Ana, I think this might be burning!' and I know… it's Mr. Teller. My knuckles whiten from the furious clenching of my fist.
"Christian I gotta run, I'll call you back later tonight, I promise," and with that, she hangs up. I slam my phone down hard on the desk, creating enough of a disturbance that Taylor is almost instantly in my office. Interesting that with all the business I conduct in here, all the yelling and commotion, that this reaction was severe enough to actually alert him. Once I look up and dismiss him with only a brief wave of my hand, I then do everything I can to remain seated and not get in my car and drive to the GEH jet hanger... a futile battle I worry.
APOV
I know Christian isn't going to be happy but he'll just have to find a way to cope with the fact that Jax is part of my life. He needs to get over this jealous shit. We're signing a written contract to be exclusive, what the fuck else does he want?
"What's up babe? You look upset," Jax asks, as I notice that I'm somewhat aggressively poking at the stir-fry. After taking a moment to consider how I might resolve this, I toss the wooden spatula down and spin around to face Jax.
"I need to tell him who you are. I shouldn't sidestep it anymore. You know better than anyone, I need to be completely open with him. Can I please tell him?" Immediately after I ask, I feel a lift of pressure from my heavy mind. I know I've only been withholding what I have to, but I feel it will help settle him if I tell him the whole truth and he realizes he has nothing to worry about.
"He doesn't already know? How the fuck!?" Jax is shocked, which I guess I understand, since they've met face to face already but he must not realize that I still wouldn't take the liberty of outright naming him as a Dom.
"He doesn't know because it's not my place to tell him, Jackson. I'm sure he assumes it but I would never confirm anything without your permission." I receive a glaring pause from him, as I know he dislikes me taking this tone with him. But he's no longer my Dom and therefore, I no longer have the need to filter myself before I speak. Before too long though, Jax's face turns into something closer to delight. Arrogant delight.
"Well, tell him anything you like babe, I have nothing to hide from him."
...you're giving me permission, because you want him to be jealous.
"So how is the 'sub-training-a-Dom' thing working out for you two?"
"I'm only 'hypothetically'c involved in something like that Jax, but I imagine it would be going just fine." I hate having to dance around this. But again, it's not my place to confirm that Christian Grey would participate in this lifestyle, even though Jax and I are both 'members' and can be trusted thoroughly.
"Well, hypothetical or not, I want you safe. Promise me that you'll be careful with this shit. You know people get hurt when they don't know what their doing."
"I know," I say with a sincere smile at his concern for me. "I promise you I'm safe. I'm better than safe..."
CPOV
The flight time is only two and a half hours but the time it took to clear the impromptu trip with Taylor, notify the pilot, and do the preflight security checks, here I am at her door, much later than I'd hoped. It's just after midnight, but instead of being worried if I'll wake her, I worry about not finding her alone. I ring the bell and with every ounce of patience I've ever had to use, I wait. Luckily, she rather promptly opens the door, looking beautiful as ever but half asleep.
"Do you always just open your door to anyone at this hour?" I ask her, not pleased that she would be so cavalier with her personal safety.
"Christian? What are you doing here?" Her raspy voice is seductive which seems to distract me from her obvious 'underwhelmed to see me' expression.
"I'm here to see you..." I reply and I step past her to let myself in. I make my way just far enough down the hall that I can inconspicuously see into her room. Thankfully for everyone, she's alone. "How was your dinner?" I ask as I turn back to her. She sighs and stares at me. She knows full well what I'm really asking.
"It was great, thank you," but her tone is not to be misread, nor her expression, she's pissed at my audacity. "Look, I was given permission to speak freely with you so I can just alleviate all of your worries. Jax was my Dom, and for six years we lived here together. Our purely contractual arrangement is now over obviously. Now he's a friend, that's all. I confide in him." Her voice is still present but I'm only hearing waves of fury lashing inside my head. I suspected this information already but to hear her say it out loud, so nonchalant, it sets very poorly with me.
When we're over, will she refer to me this way? As nothing more than a previous business arrangement?
"He fucked you more times than you could ever count! He will never be just a friend Anastasia! And to have him here... it's disrespectful. I don't want you around him again so long as we're together." I glare at her from under my brow. I may be speaking very sternly to her, but I'm actually quite proud of my ability to control myself at the moment. If I weren't, I feel things would be flying through the air by now. Ana, on the other hand, is bordering on acting out her own physical hostility I believe.
"Christian… nothing I'm doing is disrespectful! Why is he SO threatening to you? He's not a past love, he's not a man who's secretly pining for me, he's just... not a threat! Yes, we've been together physically but that's over! Christian, I DON'T GET IT!" With her small arms waving wildly and big voice booming, her exasperation is more than obvious. I can't help but step to her, placing her beautiful face firmly in my palms and kissing her fiercely. My lips pull at hers and I feel my sanity slowly come back around. Her sweet as sin taste and soft full lips could seemingly cure anything.
"You are mine Anastasia, all mine. Do you understand?" She looks as me with need, certainly physical but also need for understanding. She reaches up and wraps hers arms tightly around me and runs her fingers through my hair. It has the affect of making me feel like I'm the one who is actually all hers.
"Yes... I do. That's what I'm trying to tell you Christian."