Hi out there,

I think after this chapter, there will be probably two more.

Hope you enjoy! Please review, so I know, what you did and didn't like.

Greetz, Yana

Out of reach

Chapter 9

Pacey stood in front of the store. He shifted uncertain from one foot to the other. Not entirely sure, that this was the right idea.

But on the other hand, he wasn't on duty in the restaurant today and Jen had assured him, that on this time in the late afternoon the store was normally empty, because most of the guests were out for diner or dressing up for it. Audrey had free tonight as well, and she and Jen had already made plans for themselves.

His eyes were locked on the name tag of his ship over the glass door of Joey's shop. His heart clenched and beating like crazy and he felt nervous like he hadn't since high school. He took a deep breath, and than another one and even one more. He straightened his shoulders and with all his courage entered the exhibition room. He gazed across the paintings, even one or two photographs. One was of Joey's wall he recognized and he felt a sting in his heart, as he read what was written there "Wait for me". He knew it was for him, in case he'd returned while she was here and in that instant he knew also, that he had waited for her, even if it meant he had to his whole life. And it was clear to him, that she hadn't had a chance to not wait for him also.

'Just one moment please, I'll be right with you.' He heard her voice from behind one of the movable walls and his heart sunk, all the while beating as if it was about to jump from his chest. His hand shook and her voice sent a chill down his spine. Than she appeared from behind the wall and he felt a small, uncertain smile built on his face.

'Hello Joey', Pacey said quietly, his voice sure as hell gave away his nervousness. He drank in her sight and couldn't quite believe, that he could have lived without her for such a long time. Her hair framed her beautiful face, she wore s cute summer dress and carried a glass pitch. All colour suddenly faded from her face, as she whispered his name and the pitch slipped through her hands to shutter on the floor, spilling the rest of the remaining water on the floor as well. She took a step towards him and he was so caught in her sight, that he saw Jen's leaving only subconscious and out of the corner of his eyes.

They stood there and looked at each other for how long neither of them could tell. Then, slowly, they took step after step towards each other until finally they were so close, they could hear each others breath. Pacey so craved to hold her in his arms. Her eyes locked with his and the world around him disappear. He could only hear his blood rushing in his ears, his heart beat and his breath coming shortly.

'Jo...' He managed to whisper somehow, his voice low and deep and croaky. Unable to move and unable to look away, jet not sure if he was allowed to take her in his arms as he so longed to do. 'Jo.' He said her name jet again and closed his eyes only to open them immediately, afraid she would somehow disappear, if he looked away.

Joey's beautiful eyes swam in tears, she not so much as blinked. 'Pace...' She whispered and sending shivers down his spine, he had so longed to hear her call his name again. Her was voice shaky and barely recognizable. 'Pacey...' She closed her eyes shortly, sending the tears falling down her cheeks as she lifted her arms to rest her hands on his arm. Her hands sending warm shivers thruogh his body and he sure knew, that he would fight for her, as if it were his life at stake. And the deep love he could see in her eyes almost overwhelmed him. 'You feeling better?' She whispered, honest consern in her eyes.

He almost chuckled. Here she stood crying, asking him if he felt better... He felt his own tears rise in his eyes. In fact he felt miserable for letting her alone for so long. He didn't try to withstand the urge to pull her close any longer and just wrapped his arms around her as tight as humanly possible. He closed his eyes, sending his own tears running free, as he felt her arms tighten around him. He led out a deep sigh of relieve, as he felt suddenly like coming home. For the first time since the accident he truly felt peace and relieve and certainty. Her head rested against his chest and he could feel her sobbing in his arms. He traced his hand through her hair and just held her for a long time.

'All better, Jo.' He whispered in her hair. Breathing her in, her smell, her feel, all of her and love streamed through him like never before and in this very moment he wondered why the urge to flee from this loving arms of hers has been suddenly so strong that he couldn't resist it any longer. Why her touch had suddenly become unbearably and her presence had almost disgusted him as did her voice. The mere idea, of him being good without this amazing woman in his arms seems laughable at the least. Here they stood, she the one left behind, not condemn him, nor blame him, nor asking anything, just wondering if he was okay. Pacey just quite couldn't believe it and he placed a shy kiss on her hair, overwhelmed with everything that happened in that exact moment. 'Now' he tightened his embrace if this even was possible. 'Now, I'm all better.'

'Good' She mumbled and her head still resting against his shoulder, Joey tried incredibly hard, to get her racing heart and her stumbling breath under control. Her emotions on the loop. There was everything at once. Love, hate, anger, longing. She craved to hold him forever, kiss him, tell him it would be okay and she was willing to stay. Jet she wanted answers so badly, had to know what held him from her for so long. She wanted to tell him, she still loved him, that she'd missed him like hell, but she decided it was his turn first, and so she took all of her self-control together and pushed him away from her. Her eyes still filled with tears, as were his she noticed. She wiped away some of her own tears.

'I think, we have to talk, Pacey. Seriously...'

He nodded and the sudden wave of guilt and worry almost overwhelmed him. 'Yeah, we should.' He tried a smile as he offered her a hand, which she didn't take and so he put his arm down again with sadness in his eyes as she full well saw. 'Care for some diner?' He asked with an uncertain half smile. 'I could make you some lasagne at mine?'

Joey nodded. 'Sure, Pacey. I'd really like that.'

Relieved he opened the door for her, so she could get outside the store. She locked the door and than looked at him nervously, playing with the keys, before putting them into her hand-back, he noticed, that she still wore their engagement ring. She put her hands on her back and motioned him to lead the way.

Pacey unlocked the door to his apartment and Joey entered his place shyly. He flushed on some decent lights.

'It's nice...' She stated and felt sixteen again, all nervous and anxious and like stepping on unknown territory.

'Yeah, it's quite fitting.' He tried another smile and she noticed, that he shifted uneasy under her gaze and looked away. 'So... would you like something to drink?'

'Yeah... sure.' Her voice was soft. He headed off to the kitchen, halfway he turned to find her still standing in the doorway. Again unsure of what to say to this woman which meant everything to him and which he had known inside out, but now suddenly seemed like a stranger to him. He paused and looked at her, took a deep breath. 'Would you... would you like to join me?' His voice low and she could hear the insecurity, that had left him so many years ago, was back there. She couldn't deny, watching him cook was one of the things she missed in her everyday life. It was a part of her life for so long and they solved most of life's misery's and pretty much of their crisis in the kitchen, she on the kitchen plate or on a chair, wrapped in a big sweater and he cutting vegetables or meat, spinning pans or stirring in pots. They laughed and bantered, they argue and loved in the kitchen... and sometimes simply were together without questioning it.

'I'd love to, Pace.' She gave him a lopsided smile and he let out a relieved breath.

'Great.' So she followed him halfway through the room as her eyes get stuck on a certain photo on the wall. She swallowed at the lump that suddenly stuck in her throat. He noticed her stopping and turned.

'You kept it?' Her voice barely audible as her eyes switched from the photograph at the wall to the man who holds her heart.

'Yes I did.' He stepped closer to her and looked her in the eyes, nothing but sincerity to be found. 'It was one of the happiest days in my life, Jo. You agreed to marry me and made me the absolute slap happiest, fortunate, luckiest man in all the universe.' His eyes shone, his soft voice covered her in a warm silk blanchet and Joey knew in that instant, why she had fallen for him in the first place. He always cherished her, everything she does, whatever she said or done, all was special for him, even her poor attempts to cook him diner or bake him some birthday cake and mistook the salt for the sugar. But she couldn't get rid of the bitterness, that had cumulated in her heart over the last year.

'And jet you'd left me.' She didn't mean for the words to actually slip from her tongue, but they did and now they were out in the open, Pacey had to somehow deal with them. His face fell from one moment to the other and he seem to cave. He looked at her with such sad eyes that she would have her arms around him in an instant kiss his pain and insecurity away, assure him of her love, but she just knew, if she did it, she wouldn't have the strength to ask him all she wanted to know, and to make him actually fight for her. And that was what she wanted, what she desperately needed she suddenly realized.

'Yes. I guess I did. And I'm sorry, but I can't make it undone.' He said quietly, his face shell shocked again like almost all of the time before he'd left. He slightly shrugged before turning and heading off for the kitchen once more. Where he started cutting vegetables, preparing the meat and stirring the sauce. He was nervous as hell. Didn't know what to say and if he even knew the woman standing in his apartment anymore. He wanted to hold her so much it almost tore him apart, every fibre of his being craved for her. He wanted to kiss her and tell her, all would be okay, that he was never going to leave her again, but he was sure – despite of what Jen had said – Joey wasn't going to make this easy on him and hell, she had all the right in the world to let him on tenterhooks. Jet he caught himself, eyeing over to her every time he could, couldn't quite believe, that she was here and he maybe, just maybe, would in fact get a chance to make it up to her. But how? God, this was as hard as he'd apprehended it to be. If only he could wrap his arms around her and let her know, that he never, never ever stopped loving her.

Joey could not get her eyes from the picture, it brought back so many memory's, it almost physically hurt her to look at it. She closed her eyes for a second and than followed Pacey to the kitchen.

Without much thinking, she sat on one of the chairs, which stood by the kitchen table and pulled one leg close to her body. Joey drank in the sight of the man she so much loved and had missed for such a long time. His body's movements smooth and totally confident of his doing. She let her fingers play with the necklace she wore and slipped one of her fingers through his ring, wondering if he would ever again wear it. And as she watched him, she felt the tears watering her eyes again and hated it. She wasn't quite sure what to make of this extremely weird situation. He preparing diner for her as if it were an every day event and jet it lingered so much tension between them. She slowly closed her eyes and wiped away the falling tears. She felt further away from him than ever since he left.

Pacey smiled inside, as he felt her eyes in his back. It felt so familiar, so much like coming home. He almost expected her to lean beside him, back on the plate, telling him about her day, cherishing his evening off. Kissing him now and than, maybe making love to him as they sometimes did to shorten the waiting time, until diner was ready. But this wasn't happening and he knew it. There was a hell of a long way ahead of them, if things were ever going to be that way again. And god, did he wish he could just somehow make it happen.

He was looking good, Joey noticed watching him turning and moving through the kitchen. And she felt the uninvited urge to wrap her arms around him from behind, rest her chin on the soft skin of his neck and just kiss him and let all the tension and uncertainty evaporate, like it always does when he hold her. She wished she could just give him his ring back, but she couldn't. This was just to serious, to hurtful, hell – it made her want to yell at him, hit him – but she just couldn't.

'So, uhm...' Joey almost jumped, as he finally spoke up. Pacey turned after he'd put the lasagne into the oven and finished the salad. His hands slightly shaky, so he put them into his pockets. 'Want something to drink, whilst we're waiting?' He loved the way, her chin rested on her knee and she was looking at him with this beautiful, deep, meaningful eyes of hers.

'Sure.' She nodded and watched him, as he walked towards the fridge again. Suddenly remembering, that this was, what he wanted to do in the first place and he turned his head to look at her over his shoulder. 'Sorry, Joey, I forgot..' But she just gave him a dismissive wave and a small smile, which gave him butterflies and he smiled, feeling happier than ever. Slowly Pacey returned with crimson wine and a bottle with sparkling water.

'Water please. I'm not so sure, wine is the right decision right now.' She waged her head, as she saw his face fall. 'Maybe along with this delicious lasagne of yours.' Joey pointed to the oven and tried a half smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. Pacey nodded and poured her a glass of water, all the insecurity was back and he just didn't know what to say or do or even to expect.

He poured another glass of water for himself and ploncked on the chair opposite of Joey. 'So...' His voice was croaky and he cleared his throat but that wasn't working eventually. 'Tell me Jo, how've you been?'

She let out an humourless laugh. 'I?' She looked at him with all to clear disbelieve and hurt. 'I've been just fine Pacey. Just fine...' She felt her eyes tear up again and she hated it, anger bubbled through her every being.

'Jo...?' His voice was soft but shaky and he just hated to see, what this last year had made of this cheerful, ever smiling, happy and life-filled woman he'd left. She was a mere shadow of herself and he knew it was on his conscience.

'Wanna know the truth Pacey?' She stood, her eyes shooting fiery arrows and he almost could feel her fury. Joey's chin was shaking, her eyes finally overflowing with tears and it broke his heart, he almost couldn't stand, looking at her. And for the millionth time he realized, that what he'd have done, was the most stupidest thing, he could have done. 'I've been terrible. Terribly lost without you. All alone.'

'Jo...' She shifted away from him, as he reached out to touch her arm. 'No, Pacey. I lost all the meaning in life. There was no sense in living any more. I just craved every waking moment, waiting for you.' She helplessly gestured in the air and than moved a hand through her auburn hair. Helplessly forlorn. 'I would stand on the dock every day at the same time, some days twice, and starred into the horizon, hoping for your return. Even in the deepest winter. Streets I walked all my life were suddenly foreigen. I almost couldn't breathe some days. Everything was hurting. That woman in the mirror wasn't me. Our house was lonely and abandoned, even with people in it.' Her eyes narrowed as she glared at him. 'You wrecked me, Witter. You did.' She bit her lower lip, her voice heavy with anger and sadness and loneliness. She took a deep breath, her voice low. 'As I woke that particular morning, I knew even before I opened my eyes that you were gone. Truth be told, I even knew before that – you were gone long before you actually left me. I felt, that somehow you've died there, along with Jack and Dawson.' She watched him wince, as she spoke their names out loud. Her voice was quiet and croaky, but she wasn't finished. 'I knew, that somehow my love wasn't strong enough to hold you, to give you strength. That my hand wasn't enough to hold you and help you through the loss, not only you had suffered. That somehow I wasn't worth telling me face to face what your staff clearly knew for a long time. And as I found your ring, well – I refused to believe it nevertheless.' She breathed deep, angrily wiping the tears away, that unbidden rolled down her cheeks. 'Well, I cancelled the wedding, brought back my dress. Telling everybody that you were gone and I didn't have a clue when and if you'll ever come back.' She sank to the kitchen floor. 'I guess it's my fault, now, isn't it? If I've only loved you more, gave you more room, held you more often, assured you of my being there. Maybe you hadn't have to run from me?' and she took a deep breath before looking him straight in the eyes again and the pain she saw there somehow missed to touch her. 'But you also saved my life. Literally.' She merely whispered

'Jo, I...' He stumbled over his words. Wanted to hold her so badly, wanted to explain, wanted to let her know, that he'd never even for a heartbeat stopped loving her. That she wasn't the reason he'd left.

'I should go.' She stood and walked through the room.

'Please, Joey... Please don't leave like that.' He felt like fifteen again, like the day she'd dropped him because of Dawson shortly after the christening of the True Love and his heart broke as he watched her leave.

'Thanks for the water anyway.' She turned in the door frame a sad smile on her face. He saw, that she wanted to say something, but as her eyes met his and a tear escaped her eyes she just shook her head and closed the door quietly behind herself.

Pacey starred at the door and than at the chair, where she had sat only heartbeats before. He hadn't expected her to be that broken. As the timer beeped for the lasagne, he took it out of the oven, suddenly not hungry any more. He poured himself some of the wine, he had wanted to share with Joey and stood in front of her picture.

'I'm so sorry, my love.' He whispered. 'Please... Please, let me show you just how very sorry I am. Let me in again, and I swear I won't screw it this time. I won't...'

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