AN: Wow...the response to last chapter was overwhelming! Your in-depth reviews and comments on B&E´s situation prompted me to whip out another chapter, sooner rather than later! Forgive my lack of response to every single review, just know that I read each one, and cherished them all!
To my team of talented ladies that encourage me, correct me, and keep me on my toes...you girls KICK ASS! Thanks for all your help! Betas: Jess2002, princess07890, & famaggiolo! Last but not least my awesome pre-reader: TeamAllTwilight!
Warning: *tissue alert*
A Real Family of Her Own:
Chapter Nine
The First Step to Getting Help...Is Admitting That There´s a Problem…
EPOV
"As much as I'm enjoying our time together, Edward," Siobhan muttered exasperatedly, "I can´t help you if you won´t, at least, meet me halfway."
As much as I hated to admit it, she was right.
I had to do this!
For Mac...
For Bella...
For Parker...
And...
For Claire...
But more importantly...I had to do it for myself!
I was sick and tired of just existing; merely going through the motions while everyone else was living.
It took me almost losing Bella and Parker to realize just how much they meant to me.
How much my family meant to me!
So much was riding on my decision to get help. I´d taken the first step by coming here of my own volition, but that was the easy part. Getting to the crux of my problem seemed to be the hold up. My life was so fucked up right now, that most days, I didn´t know whether I was coming or going.
Moving around on auto-pilot, the minutes and hours just seemed to commingle together. Today marked my fifth appointment with Siobhan and I´d yet to say a single word. Instead, I´d chosen to wait out the clock, and politely shake Siobhan´s hand and take my leave once the hour was done.
Cowardly, I know, but I just couldn´t find the words to admit to something so heinous...not once, but twice.
Although, Bella was fine, and physically, she was on the mend, that didn´t stop the guilt from raining down on me for the mental anguish that I´d caused her...that I was still causing her. She´d nearly lost her fucking life because of my stupid ass! How on earth could I ever expect her to forgive me!
Not when I don´t deserve it!
Haven´t earned it!
See what I mean...what I´m dealing with...
Get over yourself, Cullen! My conscience spat nastily. For once, don´t make everything about you! Get off your fucking pity train, and fix this shit! Automatically, my hand sought out my unruly locks. It was my fucking vice, my chosen method of torture. Tugging, none too gently, I welcomed the punishing pain that, if only for a moment, quieted the voices lashing out at me from inside my head.
"Her name was Claire Whitney," I began, in a voice so detached. It sounded as if I was nothing more than a narrator setting up the final scene to some tragic stage play. "We attended prep school together. She lost both of her parents when she was nine, but it wasn´t until we lost our grandfathers, our heroes, that we forged a lifelong friendship. We bonded over our shared grief." Siobhan said nothing, not even bothering to take notes; instead, she sat quietly as I spun out my sordid tale of troubles and woes.
My grandfather, Edward Anthony Masen II, in my eyes, hung the moon! He was one of the best concert pianists to ever grace the stage at Carnegie Hall! I was hell-bent on following in his footsteps. I was to be his protégé. Nothing made me happier than to see the look of pride on his face as he sat stoically, in his favorite wing-backed chair, with a tumbler of Jameson, listening to me play. I lived for those moments.
When the doctors diagnosed him with pancreatic cancer, I began to work harder. I thought that by immersing myself in my schoolwork and spending countless hours practicing the piano, I could somehow prolong his life. I thought I could make it all better, if I just tried harder!
Claire and I shared most of the same AP classes, but it wasn´t until that fateful night, when both our grandfathers were brought into the emergency room at Northwestern Medical Center that we bonded.
While a team of oncologists, including my father, Carlisle Cullen, tried to get a handle on the black blood that was spewing from my grandfather´s nose and mouth, the head cardiologist, Aro Volturi, was trying to unclog the damaged valves of Scott Whitney´s heart.
Neither outcome looked very promising!
Wanting a moment to myself, I found my way to the quiet chapel on the second floor and lit a few candles. I knew this was the end for my grandfather, but I just couldn´t stop myself from making one last plea to God for him to reconsider taking my mentor away from me.
I had only been sitting quietly on the mahogany velvet-covered bench for about ten minutes when I heard the door open. Turning to see who it was, my eyes locked with a pair of cloudy blue orbs, and, of its own volition, my hand reached out to their owner.
Claire´s tiny hand slid into mine, and I pulled her into my side, where she laid her head on my shoulder. Gripping my arm, her quiet sobs sounds heard in the chapel. Two hours later, the heavy wooden doors were once again opened. Turning our heads in unison, we both broke down and sobbed. The looks in Esme and Katherine´s eyes said it all...they were gone!
And we never got the chance to say goodbye!
The days following my grandfather´s death were hard, but bearable, as long as I had Claire by my side. I´m not really sure when the lines became blurred between the friendship and kindred spirit we shared and turned into a blossoming teenage romance; I just know that we were each other´s firsts.
First crush...
First date...
First kiss…
First love...
And eventually...first lover!
Being with Claire was as simple as breathing, so when I graduated from the University of Chicago, and headed off to medical school at Johns Hopkins on the east coast, I had a very pregnant wife, Claire, in tow. My parents and Katherine were beyond furious when we came to them and announced that Claire was pregnant, but, being who they were, they supported our decision to marry.
The summer before I left for med school, Claire and I got married in my mother's rose garden, in the presence of about forty family members and close friends. Despite our family's social standings, this is what we wanted, and thankfully, everyone else agreed.
Nine months later, we welcomed a beautiful baby girl that we named, McKynzie Elizabeth Cullen, into the world. Life couldn't get any more perfect than that. I had my best friend, a beautiful daughter, a bright future, and the sky was the limit. Until it all went to hell in a hand basket!
Tugging at my hair, I could feel my chest tightening. This was the part I hated reliving. The part I played in the death of my wife and son. My breaths started coming out in shallow pants, and I was starting to see white spots before my eyes. Fuck! I was having a panic attack!
"Edward," Siobhan´s deep sultry voice called out to me. "I need you focus on the sound of my voice. Deep breaths, Edward, deep breaths..."
Clawing at the collar of my shirt that suddenly felt like it was strangling me; I tried to follow the sound of her voice. But the darkness was enveloping me, pulling me down like the weight of quicksand. Soft hands cupping my cheeks, and calm soothing words pulled me back from my own personal hell.
By the time I was able to get my breathing under some semblance of control, my entire body felt as if someone had used it for a punching bag. "Shall we call it a day?" Siobhan asked, offering me a way of escape.
Much to my surprise, a resounding "No" fell from my lips. I was sick and tired of taking the coward´s way out. It was time to put this shit to rest once and for all. I couldn´t live the rest of my life allowing the guilt to rule every minute decision that I made. "I need to get this off my chest. I need to forgive myself, so that I can be worthy of Bella and Mac´s forgiveness. Hell, if I´m being honest with myself, I´ve put my entire family through the ringer; I just pray that it´s not too late to make things right again."
Much to my surprise, I felt immeasurably lighter when I walked out of Siobhan´s office almost two-hours later. For the first time in almost four years, I felt like I could breathe. With a renewed vigor, and a bit more pep in my step, I made my way out of the clinic so I could head over to Seattle Children´s Hospital and see my son.
Looking down at my watch, I had just enough time to get in and get out before Bella returned for his 5 o´clock feeding. I knew that she would be downstairs at the nearby café she frequented with my mother around this time, making it the perfect opportunity for me to sneak in a few minutes with Parker.
A part of me felt like a real sleaze for going behind Bella´s back to spend time with our son, but I just couldn´t stay away from the little guy. If this was all I was going to get, then I was going to fucking take it. Deep down, I knew that Bella needed more time, things were still too fresh.
God, she was still healing from her c-section, and with her hormones still all over the place, the last thing I wanted to do was upset her. One look at me, and it would be like reliving her worst nightmare all over again. I did not want that to happen! When, no, if, Bella decides to let me back into her life again, I want to do things the right way this time.
Almost losing Bella and Parker, and McKynzie turning her back on me completely was enough to finally get me to pull my head out of my ass, and get the professional help that I so desperately needed. Never had I felt so abandoned in my whole life. Even my family was tending to Bella and Parker´s needs, something that I should be doing!
After all, they were mine!
Bella, McKynzie, and Parker were my life now, and I´ll be damned if I was going to just sit by and let someone else have what´s mine! I was prepared to fight with my last dying breath, if that´s what it took to get my family back! But first, I had to make sure that I was worthy of them...worthy of being a part of their lives.
Pulling out my cell phone, I shot my mother a quick text.
Mom – Just finished my session with Siobhan, I actually started opening up to her today! God, Ma, it felt so freeing to talk about all the hell I´ve been going through these past years. I promise I´ll fill you in later! After such a heavy session, I really need to see him! He´s the only one that won´t judge me on my past deeds. Please, tell me I can see Parker for a little while! Please Ma, I need to see him! I need to see my little boy... – E
Tossing my phone on the front seat, I turned the key in the ignition and pulled out into traffic. Just as I was turning into the parking lot, designated for personnel only my phone dinged, signifying that I had an incoming text. I waited until after I´d parked and shut the engine off to check my messages.
Edward – Sweetheart, that´s fantastic! I can´t wait to hear how it went. Bella and I are just leaving, so that she can get something to eat. Oh Edward, please don´t give up on her, Bella, needs you! She´s just too stubborn to see that right now! I´ll try to give you an hour, but I can´t make any promises; it´s hard to keep her away from him any length of time. Now, go see your little boy, he misses his daddy! Love you, son... – Mom
I couldn´t help the hundred-watt smile that broke out across my face. Esme, ever my champion, continued to encourage me where Bella was concerned. She and Alice were the only ones; so far the rest of my family was hell-bent on keeping me as far away from Isabella Swan as possible.
"Never," I growled out in the empty car. To hell with what everyone else thinks, I was not about to give up on the only woman that I´d ever truly loved!
That was something else; I was coming to terms with.
Pushing thoughts of betraying Claire´s memory, and what we shared to the back of my mind, I pulled out my phone and responded to my mother's text.
Mom – NEVER! Thanks for everything, love you too, Ma... – E
Switching my phone to vibrate, I made my way into the hospital, and up to the fourth floor, where the NICU was located.
...ooOoo...
"Hey there, buddy," I cooed softly while I swayed Parker back-and-forth in my arms. "Daddy sure did miss you. Did you miss me too, P?" I asked, sitting down in the glider that was in the corner of his hospital room.
I´d stripped, and took a quick shower in the on-call room, donning a pair of dark blue scrubs and a yellow disposable hospital gown before I entered Parker´s room. You could never be too careful, and I didn´t want to expose my little guy to any unnecessary germs that could possibly prolong his stay.
I knew that Bella was anxious to our little guy home, but for me, Parker´s release would be bittersweet. Parker going home meant that I wouldn´t be able to see him every day. I hadn´t realized that I was crying until a tear splashed against his little blue cap-covered head, separating into what seemed like a thousand individual molecules.
Feeling the need to explain to my son why I wouldn´t continue to see him every day, I slipped my finger in his tiny hand, relishing the way his little fingers wrapped around my large one, and started to speak. "Well, P," I paused, fighting with the lump that was clogging my throat. "You´re getting so big, Daddy´s so proud of you, Sweet Boy, proud that after everything he did to your mommy that you´re healthy, growing big and strong, and soon you´ll get to go home." I bit the inside of my cheek, trying in vain to hold back my sob. Unsuccessful in attempt, "I´m so sorry, son" fell from my lips in a broken cry. "It´s all my fault that you´re in here; I will never be able make it up to you, but by God, I plan to die trying."
Parker´s eyes fluttered open, staring up at me as if he was offering me a tiny piece of absolution. Though some may not agree, and argue that it was gas, I´ll swear to my dying day that he looked up at me and smiled. Beaming up at me with rose-colored cheeks, and a twinkle in his eye, in me, my son saw no wrong.
I was his hero!
Just the mere thought of that made my heart pump wildly in my chest. Not that it was even remotely possible, but in that moment, my love for this tiny innocent creature in my arms seemed to quadruple in its intensity. Clutching his delicate little body to mine, I held him as tight to me as could without causing him harm.
All too soon, my phone was vibrating. Without even looking at the screen, I knew that our time was up for today. Once Bella returned, she and Mac would be here for the rest of the night. Bella was such a good mother, making time for both of our children.
Even though it was against hospital policy, she insisted that Mac be allowed spend the night in her brother´s room; having me for a father and Carlisle Cullen as your grandfather came with many perks that we had no problem using.
Parker´s suite was state of the art, and if not for the obvious knowledge that this was a hospital, you would think that you were staying in a suite at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel.
Being a children´s hospital, we had several rooms that were setup for long-term care, making families feel like they were at a home-away-from-home when their child was hospitalized long-term for chronic illnesses.
Bella and Mac were able to sleep in a comfortable queen-sized bed and the room even had a small kitchenette complete with a microwave and nice-sized refrigerator. That way, Bella had plenty of liquids at her disposal to keep her hydrated for breastfeeding, and Mac could have juice and snacks to tide her over during the day.
Like I said, it was the perfect set-up!
Reluctantly, I stood to my feet, trying not to jostle the sleeping infant in my arms. Taking care with his wires and IV, I placed a lingering kiss atop Parker´s head and gently laid him back in his bassinette.
The door opened, and I didn´t even have to turn around to know who it was. I knew that when I didn't immediately respond to my mother´s text, she would send my father looking for me. A strong hand gripped my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "I´m sorry son, but it´s time," he whispered solemnly.
Even though he didn´t agree with my actions, he was still my father.
And when I hurt, simply put, he hurt too!
Leaning down one last time, I brushed my lips against his cheek. "I love you son, be a good boy for mommy and sissy tonight. I´ll see you soon," I promised, praying that it was one I could keep. "I hope..." Unable to stomach the look of pity that was sure to be in my father´s eyes, I turned and walked out of the room without so much as sparing him a backward glance.
...ooOoo...
Thursday afternoon found me once again feeling like a caged wild animal, as I paced the length of Siobhan´s large expansive office. Parker had been allowed to go home last week, and not being able to see him was having a serious effect on me; it literally felt like the last remaining piece of my heart had been ripped from my body.
Without batting an eye, I´d taken the second step in my ever-growing journey to progress, called Siobhan and requested an emergency session. No longer was I ashamed to admit that I needed help, especially, if it meant that I´d get my family back. Hell, I´d break-dance on a bed of broken glass just to have a chance to be in the same room as Bella, Mac, and Parker!
Finished with my meltdown over being kept from my son, and McKynzie refusing to take any of my phone calls; I dove straight into my recantation of what happened with Claire. After all, weren´t they both related, at least somehow?
If I hadn´t be carrying around the guilt of Claire´s death, I would have never treated Bella the way I did, resulting in her pre-mature labor and almost death. I shuddered to think that I could have possibly been the cause of something so cruel and heinous.
I almost lost her!
I almost lost both of them!
Tugging at my already crazy hair, I took a deep breath, and dove right in.
I´m not going to lie, going to medical school on top of having a newborn at home was a son-of-a-bitch! I was barely able to get any sleep when I was at home, but I truly loved every minute of it! McKynzie was a beautiful baby, and she made it easy to be her father; my little girl was the apple of my eye from day one.
Claire on the other hand was having a tougher time than I was. Both my mother and her grandmother came out to Maryland when the baby was born and stayed for about a month. Eventually, they had to get back to their lives of charity work, and, in Esme´s case, her steadily growing business.
That´s not to say that they left us high-and-dry, because it´s not, Esme and Katherine made it a point to come out for a week, at least once a month. And, in-between their alternating visits, my sisters and their significant others spent most school breaks and long weekends with us.
On the weekends, when my schedule would permit it, I´d whisk Claire away to our grandparent´s house in the Hamptons. There, I´d make sure she and the girls were pampered and petted, while Jasper, Emmett, and I watched the baby. Claire was my best friend, I just wanted to make her happy!
Taking a much-needed break, I grabbed a bottle of water from the side table, and downed half of it before setting it down on a convenient coaster. My entire body ached from being wound so tight for so long, so I plopped down on the leather sofa, letting my head rest against its back. I´m not sure how much time passed with me sitting there, and Siobhan allowed it, but the chiming of her wall clock brought me out of the daze I was in.
"God, Siobhan," I groaned. "I didn´t realize I´d been here so long. You probably have tons of other patience to see." Shaking my head to quell back the feelings of loneliness and despair that seemed to overtake me, knowing that it was now time to leave the one person I knew who could help me turn my clusterfuck of a life around; I stiffly rose to my feet. "Thanks for making time for me," looking at the floor, "I guess I´ll see you next week."
I turned to leave, but was halted by the sound of Siobhan´s voice. "As luck would have it, my last two appointments for today have cancelled. So..." she paused for good measure, subtly placing the ball in my court. "If you´re feeling up to it..."
The breath left my lungs in a rush, as relief, and something akin to giddiness washed over my body. Now that I´d opened Pandora´s Box, there was no way to close it again. My only response was to simply pick up right where I´d left off.
Eventually, Claire got the hang of it, and flourished as a new mother. It was almost as if things went from being stressful and strained to damn near perfect overnight. Before I knew it, we were celebrating Mac´s first birthday, and preparing for Christmas in the Hamptons with our family.
Life was good...
No, scratch that, life was fucking amazing! So much so, that on New Year´s Eve, standing on the beach watching the sky light up with fireworks, Claire kissed me passionately, and told me that we were going to have another baby. I was scared shitless, but one look into her sparkling ocean blue eyes and all the fear evaporated from my body.
We were going to be parents again!
We were going to be fucking parents again!
For lack of a better word, I was ecstatic!
Even our parents, who could have bitched and complained about it being too soon, were happy for us. Claire was approximately ten weeks along and things were going smoothly. Somehow, we´d forgotten to use a condom during the first couple of weeks after her new shot, resulting in our unplanned surprise.
Internally, I chastised myself for not noticing the signs sooner, but rejoiced in the fact that I was becoming a father for a second time. Burning the candle at both ends, I delved into my studies, and when I wasn´t doing that, I was spoiling my wife and little girl.
Life couldn´t get any better than this!
The few buddies I made in school, continuously ribbed me about being a ninety-year-old man each time I turned down their invitations to party and get wasted. Every time, I´d simply pull out my wallet and show them the picture I carried of my family, and say, "Why would I need to go out, when I have this to go home to?"
Yeah, that shut them up really quick!
Everything was going perfect up until the beginning of Claire´s third trimester when I came home from school and found her unconscious and in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor, and a screaming and frightened, McKynzie in her crib.
We lost him...
They told us it was a little boy...
We had lost our son...
Before we even got a chance to meet him...
We lost him...
Turns out that Claire had a cyst on one of her ovaries that had gone undetected, and it ruptured, causing a blood clot to form in the baby´s umbilical cord.
He suffocated...
He never even had a chance...
And, had I showed up ten minutes later...neither would Claire...
I was devastated!
She was devastated!
We both were...devastated!
After an emergency c-section, we found out that there were more cysts or tiny fibroid tumors that were surrounding her left ovary. The doctor assured us that he could freeze them for removal, and everything should be fine; lots of women had this procedure done without complication. But, of course there was still the percentile of failures that he neglected to mention.
Later, after discussing it with my parents and Katherine, it was decided that Claire would return to Chicago to have the procedure done. As much as I hated to see my family leave, I knew that she would be in good hands with Carlisle watching over her, and she wouldn´t have to worry about Mac, because our families would be there to take care of her.
I prayed that by being away from the place where it all happened that Claire would be able to use this time to heal. Not wanting her to have to come back to a place where she would relive the tragedy day-in-and-day-out, I sold our condo, and found us another place closer to the university.
Claire and Mac spent just about the entire length of my third year in medical school in Chicago. Thankful for her grandmother´s private jet, I was able to be with them whenever the mood would strike. Time went on and things seemed to be getting better. We talked about it, and as soon as the doctor gave her the green light...we were going to try again.
When my parents ended up moving to Seattle, Claire and Mac came back to Maryland permanently. It was hard having Carlisle and Esme so far away, but my father had already secured me a spot in their residency program at Virginia Mason, so we wouldn´t be separated for that much longer.
My last year of medical school flew by in a blur, and before anyone knew it, the entire family was gathered together for my graduation. Crowned class valedictorian, and Who´s Who among Medical School Students, I´d managed to obtain a five year degree in four. To say my family was proud of me would be the understatement of the year.
The only dark spot amongst this otherwise happy occasion was my inability to get Claire pregnant. We´d been trying for months, but still nothing! Turns out that the tumors had returned and more-than-likely could be cancerous, this presented an entirely new dilemma. Claire would have to be monitored constantly and regular pap-smears were a must.
We had to be proactive and stay on top of things!
The more the doctors said, "No," the more determined Claire was to have another baby, and like the fool I was, I gave in to her obsession. Rosalie, my older sister, and her husband Emmett – who were also living in Seattle – were also having a bit of trouble conceiving as well, so when Claire found out that they were going to a fertility specialist, she wanted to go too.
How could I tell her no?
By the time we´d moved to Seattle the following year, Claire had already had two more miscarriages. The last one was so severe that the doctors advised us not to try again. Blinded by the need to make her happy, I didn´t listen.
With the help of the doctors at The Seattle Fertility Clinic, and in-vitro fertilization, Claire became pregnant again. Claire insisted that I continue to store my sperm as oppose to destroying the leftover specimens in their cryogenics bank just in case we needed to try again; reluctantly, I agreed, all the while praying that this would be the last time.
Once again, things were going well, and I could finally concentrate on my residency. Despite my father being the chief-of-staff, I still had to earn my stripes. When I put on those scrubs and slipped on that white coat...no one gave two shits about who my father was. Sadly, I let my competitive nature and need to be number one takeover, and lost focus on the home front.
Things were going to hell in a hand basket, and I couldn´t have been more oblivious to it all!
I was a fucking fool, and had nobody to blame but myself!
It started with me missing a couple appointments here and there, to coming home and being too exhausted to even give a damn about what was actually going on. Because if I had paid attention, I would have noticed that Claire was getting sicker by the fucking day!
And it had nothing to do with the pregnancy!
My dumb ass kept attributing the dark circles under her eyes, and the sunken colorless cheeks to morning sickness. She was literally dying right before my eyes, and I was too busy being a selfish prick to notice. I simply placated myself with the fact that she was pregnant and the nagging and obsession to become so had finally stopped.
God, if I had just pulled my head from out of my ass, she could still be alive today!
As much as I wanted to be a father, there would have been no hesitation on my part to terminate the pregnancy if it meant saving Claire´s life!
We could have fucking adopted!
For Christ´s sake, she didn´t have to lose her life over it!
It was like déjà vu, I came home from a long shift at the hospital to a screaming toddler, this time wondering about the house in a soiled pull-up and a dirty sleep shirt. This, in itself, raised all kinds of red flags. Claire was meticulous in her upkeep of Mac.
I would even go as far to say that she had OCD when it came to the way our child was dressed, and Claire´s obsession with keeping Mac clean. A cold chill ran through my body, as I scooped up my daughter and made my way through the house to our bedroom, only to find it empty.
For some reason, that I now attribute to her attempt at helping her mother, this agitated Mac further, and she began to scream, "Ma...Ma…" pointing a chubby finger towards the kitchen.
Quickly, my feet made the decision that my mind couldn't and carried me that way. Nothing could have prepared me for what I found when I got there. Claire was once again lying in a pool of blood, but this time it was a result of broken glass and a gash on the side of her head.
To this day, I still can´t tell you how I managed to get things under control and call an ambulance, but I did it all while still tending to my sick wife and a three-and-a-half year old.
When we finally reached the hospital, it seemed like hours before anyone came out to tell us anything. Finally, after what seemed like days, the doctor stepped into the waiting room. I could tell by the look in his eyes that it wasn´t good news.
How many times had I displayed the same look of defeat in my eyes when addressing a waiting family?
More than I cared to remember!
In a nutshell, they´d placed her in a medically-induced coma, because the pain had become unbearable and was causing the baby distress. "During her last visit to the doctor, Claire adamantly refused to try chemotherapy or any form of radiation because it might harm the baby." The doctor explained all this as if I knew what the hell he was talking about. "I´m sorry Dr. Cullen, but the cancer has spread to other organs and lymph nodes, and there´s nothing more we can do besides make her comfortable, and monitor the progress of the baby." He scratched his head and shifted uncomfortably before delivering the last blow. "Although, it´s not looking good for either one of them."
Cancer...
Cancer?
My wife has cancer?
Why?
When?
How long?
I couldn´t believe what I was hearing!
How could I be so fucking clueless!
How the hell did I not know this!
"When the fuck did Claire get cancer, and why the hell didn´t I know about it?" I barked at the man standing before me. "Why am I just hearing about this now?"
"I´m sorry, Dr. Cullen," the flustered-looking attending apologized profusely. "We´re still waiting for her primary care physician to arrive, I can only tell you what they´ve faxed over from her patient file."
Ripping a hand forcefully through my hair, my knees gave out, and my body crumbled to the floor. My entire world was falling apart around me.
All because I neglected to take care of my home!
...ooOoo...
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and eventually, Claire´s body just rejected the fetus. In an attempt to save him, Thanksgiving morning, I signed a release form, giving Dr. Henderson, my consent to perform an emergency cesarean, in hopes that at least one of them would survive this painful ordeal. If I was being honest, I hadn´t even given much thought to becoming a father since the day I found Claire practically dead in our kitchen.
Baby boy Cullen – I just couldn´t bear to give him a name – was born at 9:30 a.m. November 24th with a mirage of complications. If he actually made it through the night, he would have a one in 99% chance of surviving past his second birthday. And even then, there was no guarantee that he would ever be able to have a normal life.
The odds were just stacked against him!
By this time, Claire was basically being kept alive on a respirator, and after watching her lay in that bed for almost two months, I made the painful decision to let her go; it had been selfish of me to allow her to go on suffering that long.
They wheeled her in from recovery, and I gave my family and Katherine, a few moments alone with her while I made my way down to the neonatal unit. I could barely see my son for all the tubes and wires coming out of him. He was so fucking tiny, and helpless that it made my heart bleed.
Once again, I´d failed!
As a husband...
As a father...
And as a doctor...
Looking down at the tiny, helpless, and nameless creature, I´d never felt like more of a failure than I did in that moment!
What kind of father am I?
I can´t even name my son?
I wasn´t fit to be anybody´s parent!
I was just numb...
Somewhere in the distance, I could barely make out Dr. Chung´s voice as he explained to me that in the past two hours, my nameless son had coded twice and was now on a respirator fighting for his life as well.
When it rains...it fucking pours!
At exactly, 8:05 p.m., precisely ten hours and thirty-five minutes after making his entrance in the world, my son, along with his mother, breathed their last breath. Once everything was disconnected, and I´d briefly held him in my arms and kissed the downy fuzz smattered all over his soft head, I laid him down on his mother´s chest watched through a flood of tears as he and his mother´s faces took on the most serene and peaceful looks.
Claire was finally happy.
Not long after that, a soft sigh fell from Claire´s lips, and a sweet-sounding coo from Baby Cullen´s little puckered mouth signified that it was over.
All this, and for what?
In the end, I lost them both...
And he didn´t even have a name...
...ooOoo...
As I sat on the deck in my parent´s backyard with a Budweiser in my hand watching my little girl swim, while my son lay sleeping peacefully in his swing beside me, I can´t help but pinch myself. If someone told me two months ago, or hell, even two weeks ago, that this could be a possibility, I would have laughed in their faces.
In a sign of good faith, and compromise, I looked into schools for McKynzie to possibly attend this fall. My mother shared with me that Bella didn´t have a desire to return to Forks right now, and to be honest, I didn´t either. In lieu of that, Mac would be attending St. John Catholic School here in Seattle starting in September.
Our family was healing, and anything I could do to ease or speed up that process, I would. I continued to work on myself daily. Monday morning, bright and early, I would start my new position as an attending in pediatrics at Seattle Children´s Hospital, all thanks to my father, who was currently the head of pediatric oncology.
I was lucky to still have such a strong support system.
My family, especially my mother, had been there with me through my darkest of days. Esme and I had become so much closer these past few months, and I knew that I could tell my mother anything; even my desire to see my children, and what being away from them was doing to me.
To say I was shocked as hell last Sunday when my parents showed up at Sunday brunch with McKynzie and Parker in tow would be an understatement. I hadn´t even realized that I was just sitting there staring at them slack-jawed until my little sister squeezed my hand under the table. "It´s alright, Edward," Alice whispered so that only I could hear. "Everything´s going to be okay now, you´ll see."
The moment my mother placed Parker in my arms, and McKynzie soon followed, the floodgates opened. I could literally feel the hole in my heart slowly closing as I sat there crying and breathing in the scent of my two beautiful children.
Piece-by-painstaking-piece, I was getting my family back. Children, unlike adults, were quick to forgive, so McKynzie and I were in a good place now. My heart swelled each and every time I heard her say, "Daddy." I´d managed to reclaim my place in her life as her hero. Parker was no different, it was as if we´d never been apart.
He truly was amazing!
The one good thing about turning thirty-one was receiving the most precious gift a man could ever receive. A son! Parker being born on my birthday will forever be a bittersweet memory for me, and I promised that if it was the last thing that I did, I would make it up to him. Each and every year to come!
Lost in thought, I didn´t realize that my father had joined me out on the deck. "It´s nice to see you smiling again son," Carlisle said softly.
"Yeah, well," I started, staring down at my sleeping son. "It´s nice to have something to smile about, luckily, I´ve got two good reasons to smile now."
"I´ll say," Carlisle agreed, tapping his beer bottle against mine. A few moments past between us before he spoke again. "Give her time son, she´ll come around."
I didn´t bother asking who he was talking about because I already knew. Bella! She was the only thing missing from this otherwise perfect day. I´d been given a second chance at life, and I wasn´t about to fuck it up by pressuring Bella to give me another chance.
I was just grateful that she was allowing me to spend time with our kids. McKynzie may not have been hers biologically, but that didn´t stop her from going all mama bear on anyone who tried to come between them.
I now know that I was wrong in trying to separate them, and no matter what, I could never inflict that type of pain on either one of them again. And, now that Bella was doing the same thing for me and Parker, I´d say it was progress; we were definitely headed in the right direction.
My sessions with Siobhan were going great! So much so, that I was only seeing her once a week now. I´d even spoken to her about McKynzie sitting in on some of my sessions; and possibly Bella, too, when she was ready. I was serious when I said that I wanted my family back together. And I was willing to do it by any means necessary!
Taking a long pull from the bottle in my hand, I looked down at my son, and then over towards my giggling daughter and replied, "Forever, Dad. If that´s how long it takes; I´ll wait forever."
AN: Okay, so now we know what happened to Claire...not an excuse, but an explanation of sorts as to why Edward just shut down, and became the person he was before Parker was born. Will his efforts be enough to win back Bella, or has he lost her for good? Is he doing what´s best for Mac, by leaving her with Bella, or should he force her to come home? I would love to know your thoughts on the matter, and the chapter as a whole. I hope that I was able to convey Edward´s emotion properly. Until next time, leave me some love, and I may be inspired to pull another rabbit out of my hat! Review please!
Krazi
Xoxo
Krazi´s Rec Korner:
The Procrustean Bed by gemini13me
It Had to Be You by PrettyKittyArtist
Fatherhood, Formula, and Other F Words by anhanninen
Where There is Love There is Life! By Heartfelt-Pen
My Biggest Mistake, My Greatest Salvation by LyricalKris
The Girl in the Creek by MandyLeigh87
Always on My Mind by Jess2002