I woke up to a knock on my door, the sun shining in my eyes. I was late. Answering the door, Caroline asked if I was ill. It was time for a half-truth.
"I got rather engrossed in restocking the potions last night and didn't get to bed until extremely late." I picked up the neat stack of potions and equipment, then asked, "Do you have the time to help me return these to the library? I am so sorry for oversleeping."
She followed me to the library, potions in hand, reassuring me that there was still time to make breakfast, even offering to help prepare it. A wave of emotions went through me. Captain Renault. I missed her so much. Tears gathered in my eyes, making me curse my excessive reactions. It was behaviors like that which made me worry that everyone thinks I am crazy like Jauffre does. After carefully arranging the glassware how it must be, my hands remained on the shelf a few moments too long. The damned tears.
"Oh, it's not so bad. Some people aren't even awake yet, and you know how late the Emp-, well, Martin, is to rise. Nobody is angry."
"I think the current events have gotten to me a bit, that's all."
"You aren't the only one affected. Don't worry. Now, are you going to need some help?"
I politely declined, laughing to myself about the comment about Martin, realizing that his shifting schedule might have been my doing. Passing through the great hall again was relieving; only a few people were up. The Nord was polishing his weapon in the front, which elicited audible laughter from me. I didn't know people like him existed outside the stories and stereotypes about those barbarians up north. Before passing into the kitchen, I approached him, slightly intimidated. The man was more than a head above Martin.
"Sir, will you be joining us for breakfast?"
He smiled at me with his jagged teeth, booming, "Sir? Ye see a dirt-covered guy with a horned helmet and think to call 'im sir? Ha! Precious. Sure, if ye got food, I ain't gonna turn ye down. Just make a lot, I'm dyin' over here."
Smiles are contagious, so I couldn't help but return one. I felt awful for laughing at him, but he was so different from the incredibly reserved people I had been surrounded with my whole life. He wasn't the jovial but secretly sinister type like my father, no, he was earnest like he was caked with grime. I could respect that, and I was tired of withdrawing like I had for a while.
"Any requests? The food here must be so different from back home."
"I like yer fancy Imperial food. Just make some o' that."
As I walked to the kitchen, I wondered if he was playing up the stereotype to lighten the mood. Nobody could blame him. Since a little while before we lost Uriel, this place died. Since Martin was brought here, our world started dying. I tried to keep my thoughts away from that.
Breakfast was a bit improvised, between the ingredients being chosen by someone other than me and the lack of time, I had to get creative, and fast. As pathetic as it was, the experience was exhiliarating. I ended up with a hash-like substance, but at least it tasted good. Looking outside before ringing the bell, I silently celebrated when I realized that I made up for lost time.
Part of me wondered if Martin was awake yet. That question was answered quickly enough when everyone shuffled in for the morning meal. He was moving, of course, but I could tell he was a bit compromised from the way he walked. I doubted anyone else noticed, given people don't actively look for signs of crapulence in every person they encounter. Needless to say, I looked forward to meals. Even acting as a stranger, I loved being near him. He had his ways of addressing me as we were when others weren't looking, managing it once as he sat next to me, just a look, but it said everything that needed saying. I hoped my girlish infatuation wasn't showing to anyone but him, for he detected it instantly and went as far as feeling my thigh under the table.
Rousing speech continued about the problems outiside of Bruma, making it apparent that the crisis was far from over. The Nord seemed to be shouldering quite a bit of the action, which made me curious about what his capabilities were. If all the talk was true, he was a legendary one man army. It was becoming more and more apparent that the general procedure was to learn about the situation, then point at it and tell him to hit it until it stops moving.
The day proceeded as normal after the dishes were clean and the linens washed, but I then realized that it had been far too long since I tended to the armory. I cringed at how much dirt must have collected between the stone tiles. As I crossed over to make my way downstairs, I heard Martin call for me. In my best attempts to proceed as I would with any other person, I moved to the table that became unofficially his, piled with more volumes with each day.
"Alice?" he asked, so perfect at keeping his demeanor, "I have quite the headache. Would you be so kind and bring me a potion?"
I simply nodded and left as quickly as I came. He wasn't alone, so I kept the risks to a minimum. This didn't bother me too much, for every moment alone with him was worth the paranoia come daytime. One of the distillations from last night ended up being what was necessary. I picked the more potent one. He likely needed it. Since he seemed occupied, I simply bowed and left it next to him. I thought I would leave without another word, but the booming voice decided against that.
"Yer quite the tiny one! Where did they get ye?" He was definitely playing the accent up.
Putting my hands on my hips (and cringing slightly, someone definitely left more than a mark), I retorted, sticking my tongue out, "At the general store, where else?" I had to crane my neck just to see his face.
Even the more stoic types smiled. He the proceeded to put his hand on my head, saying, "I have weapons bigger'n ye."
"I don't doubt you. I often find myself mistaking you for a very loud tree." Captain Renault would have been proud.
Apparently Uriel had a good feeling about this man, originally an imprisoned criminal, trusting him with the amulet. Aside from being utterly obnoxious, I could see it. There was an amount of transparency about him absent from many others. It made me happy to see the others at least a little less lifeless, even if the laughter was at my expense. The armory needed some assistance, though. Fetching some water and a few rags from the back, my duties resumed, my surroundings a slightly happier place.
Nobody was practicing, so I was granted a bit of solitude that set my mind at ease. Especially around the practice dummy, some dirt had accumulated. Since I neglected the area more than I would have liked, cleaning everything properly took hours of energy I barely had. Every yawn and blurry morning was well worth its while, though, obsessed as I was with him. After I was done with the armory, I creeped up the stairs, peering through a crack into the great hall before entering. I tried not to get too excited about the lack of a crowd around Martin. I walked past him casually, taking the thoroughly emptied bottle with me. It was wise of me to give him the strongest one that I made. Trying to stifle my knowing laughter, I asked him if he needed another.
"I can attest to the potency of what you have already provided, thank you; my needs have been met." There were hints of a scowl on his face. He knew I was mocking him.
"Let me know if this changes."
Even short enounters like those brought me such joy. I only wished that I didn't have to maintain a detached demeanor with him, but it was the only way. This led me back to his comment the previous night, which kept moving to the forefront despite my best efforts. Though all logic would point to his lack of inhibition and reasoning due to intoxication, my heart would love to believe (and for the most part, did) that he intended some sort of "forever" in his implications. Maybe someday, I wouldn't have to so cautiously hide my feelings for him. That was horribly unlikely, though, but I did allow myself to dream. That wasn't the first unlikely thing I dreamt.
Dinner was quick and uneventful in its preparation, but terrifying upon its consumption. The conversations grew grim as I heard talk of purposely opening an Oblivion gate so near to where we were, shocking enought to avert my usual willful ignorance. Apparently, the Nord had collected some of the necessary components, and progress was being made. As the magnitude of the gate was described, I learned just how risky these measures were, how dangerous these times had truly become. Before, I ignored them, but the thoughts of our destruction horrified me. At least I had more knowledge. Even when I was less ignorant, though, there was little I could do to change the outcome of this crisis. Restocking potions and making dinner were hardly feats of heroism.
Regardless of how useless I knew I was, I proceeded to carry out my duties as diligently as possible, replacing the scrubbed-down dishes in their proper order, then going outside to search for some of those plants my book mentioned. As Jauffre advised, I took my dagger, hiding it neatly underneath my coat. Those wormwood leaves would surely increase my yield tenfold...
It was cold out, as expected, but also so wonderfully quiet. I wasn't surprised to see Jena walking the perimeter of the temple, for she and I had a lot in common; she likely needed the quiet as much as I did. It wasn't about gathering flowers or patrolling the temple, and we both knew that. My basket was still filled with plants by the end of the evening, definitely including wormwood in the collection to explore its ability to speed the processes I have spent too much time waiting for. After fitting the last leaf that would make it into my basket, I sat with my back against a tree and gazed at the stars.
The space next to me was too empty, and I required just a little more warmth than my coat provided. In my mind I saw him next to me, conversing with me about anything and everything as we held each other, the moon our only light. I could return to the temple, curtsy, and offer him a drink, or later, I coukd sneak to his quarters to spend a few hours without the mask of acquaintance. Time with him, though I treasured it, was not the only thing I wanted. Foolish as it was, I wanted Jena to laugh at us from a distance; I wanted the Nord to make jokes about us. Sighing, I looked over at the empty space again, noticing that Jena had just arrived there.
I stopped her on her way back. "The flowers are picked and the temple is well patrolled. Looks like it's another one of those nights."
She knelt down next to me, replying, "I can assure you that you have no reason to be afraid. Cloud Ruler is secure, and by courtesy, the Emperor's protection extends to you as well. As for me..."
"You worry that Martin's fate will be the same as Uriel's was," I said, looking to her, "Nobody has stopped talking of his death. Sometimes I wonder if my powerlessness is a blessing or a curse."
"So do I." She sat against the tree in the empty space I so despised. "Do not consider yourself worthless, though. Your work does not go as unnoticed as it looks."
It had been a long time since we caught each other on our evening walks, but her kinship was priceless. Even as a little girl, I would sometimes see her walking by while I washed the linens. As the years passed, I craned my neck less and less when speaking to her. It was almost surreal to see eye-to-eye. I lost track of how long we spent talking, for she made the horrible mistake of asking me about my alchemical endeavors. After a while she excused herself, for "duty calls," as she always said.
The moon was positioned such that I knew most people were in bed. That meant that my duties also called. Oh, how the dust collects so quickly on the sconces in the western wing... I decided to fetch a mostly-dried rag to do my nighttime dusting, traveling through the great hall just to make sure nobody needed my assistance. Nobody was there. I grinned. It was time to dust the sconces on the western wing. The crack of light at the end of the hallway was all the indication I needed. I approached the door, still nervous, even though he requested me.
"Your Highness, it is rather late. How are you faring?"
"All is well, thank you." He motioned me inside, closing the door swiftly behind me, "I cannot afford to halt my work right now, but you can still join me. Perhaps this would interest you?"
I could barely contain my excitement when he handed me a copy of Calcinator Treatise, a text I always wanted to read but never had the chance. Upon asking him where he found it, he told me the Nord (apparently named Bjorn, it took way too long for me to learn that) found it, and thought he would like it. My notebook was, unfortunately, absent. Martin was deeply amused when I asked him if I could fetch it. I returned without delay.
"I overheard enough to understand why you're still working." Removing my coat, I joined him on the bed, text in hand.
"There is still much to decipher, and time is of the essence."
"Even considering the time we have spent, I don't believe anyone here would question your devotion to the task. Believe me when I tell you that your father would be proud," I said, moving closer to him, "Also, I would be happy to join you."
An arm made its way around my waist, and with a drastic change in tone, he replied, "I didn't realize alchemists were this easily baited." This illicited a laugh from both of us. Still feeling the freezing Jerall Mountain air, I buried myself under a blanket before delving into the Argonian account I had wanted to read for so long. Conversation, as expected, was practically absent.
That the positioning of the calcinator using the moon as a guide made me very suspicious, especially with how little it increased the purity of the distillate. I still took notes, for it was something that would be well worth the investigation. It would mean doing my work outside, which will likely slow the rate of formation, but the catalysts I gathered may make up for the loss. Either way, I would have to establish a new baseline with the change of environment, but being outside would put me closer to the ingredients I gather... a few carefully drawn diagrams made my ideas concrete. Without a pen, none of my thoughts would make sense, even to myself. I looked over to Martin, finding him just as engrossed in his work as I was mine.
"I hope I'm not intruding," I said, noticing his arm hadn't shifted since I entered.
"Not at all. You are hardly the intrusive type." His gaze hadn't shifted, either. "I did ask for you to come."
I started to outline my plan to test the assertations in the Treatise come morning. The equipment I had access to wasn't neccessarily ideal, but if the purity was actually affected by the moon, I would love to know. Perfection would never happen, but I still wanted to strive for it. Whether or not I would be happy to find the mixtures and techniques that would have cured my mother, I wasn't certain, but I do keep reminding myself that I did not have the benefit of my current experience back then. The guilt still remains, but time heals most wounds.
His hand gradually moved upward until, eventually, it reached my breast. The moment it did, my regard shot to him, finding that he still had a face of stone, looking downward. If there was a sly smile, I couldn't detect it. It was so... like him to pull something like this. So, I continued as he was, pretending to ignore his advances. He was probably looking for the reaction, anyway. I was curious what would happen if I deprived him of said reaction.
The fondling started, sending shivers down my spine. He knew just how to affect me. Stone-faced. Stone-faced. I wasn't going to be the first to give. Recall, during the full moon, the Calcinator should face due South, aligned with the Southern pole star. It may seem unintuitive, but with enough practice, I could commit it to memory. His fingers touched my skin, deftly tucking them beneath my bodice. Due South, not North, even though North would make more sense logically. Note that.
His entire hand made it under the bodice without effort, even though it was laced so tightly. The next time someone goes to Bruma, I should ask them to get me a book with a star chart in it such that I could be more precise with the rotation of my calcinator. Such a volume would make a lovely addition to my collection. As much as I look at the stars, I ought to educate myself about them so I appreciate them more. They are truly a beautiful creation.
My breath exited me just a little faster when the handling became rougher. Remember to set the device where the moonlight is shining on half of it. Half. This means I will need to be a distance from the temple to purify my potions to the best of my abilities. It is valuable that I do so, especially for the impurities more difficult to evaporate. While I do this, it will give me some time to gather more ingredients. What a way to save time!
Touching, teasing, and even pinching brought my teeth together. One part in fourty-seven is surprisingly precise, which made me withdraw some of my doubts about the Treatise. I wrote more possible experiments as I thought of them. I would have enough work for days with all of these ideas. How very exciting! Low chuckling indicated my victory, unfortunately bringing his hand back to my waist. I never thought he would concede. It was in the evening that I realized just how... human he was. What was the difference between an emperor and a servant, save for a few decades of wisdom? I wondered how others would answer that question.
I set the book aside, having poured through it more than enough. My notebook gained quite a few pages of illegible scribblings that evening. Actually being serious, I asked him, "Do you have a copy of De Rerum Dirennis? I used to, but it is in Chorrol now. It was one of my favorites."
"I don't."
I paused a moment before asking again, "How about a text with a decent star chart? I wanted to try some of the techniques mentioned in the Treatise."
"Ha. A woman after my own heart. I used to, but the majority of my collection was destroyed in the siege. Perhaps you can ask someone to go into town and get those for you."
"Isn't that dangerous?"
"Given one is properly armed, no. Now..." he sighed, finally setting his work down, "I think I'll be finished with this for the night. I'm exhausted."
I could tell he hated himself for needing to retire for the evening. "Should I leave you be?"
"Only if you want to."
"What do you want?"
"I would like company, like any other. I so happen to prefer yours." He joined me underneath the blankets. I assumed my customary place on his chest. Despite our realm's collapsing, there was still one perfect place, the place where the sconces were dusted.