The Lakeside Lucidity

Five days later

~ June ~

Penny it's Tuesday.

She smiled softly at the message on her phone as she sat at the kitchen table in her parent's home and sipped on her coffee.

I know sweetie they will handle ur burger fine, I gave them strict instructions.

Penny wished that was a joke, but she had actually called her work yesterday and told them that to handle 'Spock' as they called him in the back, when he came in for his burger that you had to handle the meat with gloves on and be sure you tell him that you've washed your hands thoroughly throughout the day.

It was a chilly morning so she wore her pink robe and warm slippers while waiting for the rest of the house to wake up.

They had buried her brother yesterday; everything about the ceremony had felt surreal to Penny. For the most part she played caregiver to her mother, to Abby who had been overwhelmed with grief as the casket was being lowered to the ground. Her sister's husband was too stupid to really offer any sort of help. He was more worried about who would be riding in his precious pickup truck on the way back to the house.

She felt bad, almost as if she was betraying her brother somehow because she had yet to really cry for him. He was on her mind constantly, especially in this house where she could see a part of it and remember something from their childhood. But she couldn't grieve, she just felt a weight on her chest of the loss that wouldn't go away.

With that came a need to work and move, she'd found herself helping her dad out in the farm a lot. It was nice to do something so simple and though milking cows and tending to the chickens was a far cry from waiting tables at the Cheesecake Factory, she found an odd comfort in the labor.

As it was growing up, she and her dad spent a great deal of time together but they very rarely spoke. Just moved in unison with the occasional order from her father and 'yes sir' from Penny in response.

Penny loved her dad, so much and she really wanted to tell him but Wyatt didn't do love. He wasn't one for emotional responses. In a lot of ways, her father was very similar Sheldon, he had love buried in him, it came out in his actions but he had no interest in expressing it.

It was no surprise really to Penny when her mother was the first one to make her way downstairs in the morning. Kathleen was always up first, making breakfast or coffee or just cleaning up around the house. She never slept in, a trait that Penny failed to receive.

"Morning, Mom." Penny offered with a smile that was reciprocated in kind. Her mother had been doing better for the most part, she had at least fallen into a routine of coming out of her room and doing things each morning.

She was still miserable at times, Penny certainly couldn't blame her for that. "Hey, Penny. Do you want anything for breakfast?" She asked, standing by the refrigerator.

The blonde shook her head. "No, I'm okay, coffee is my usual breakfast anyways, unless Sheldon's making waffles, I never miss his waffles."

"Sheldon? I thought you were with that Leonard cause I remember your dad going on and on about him."

A flush filled Penny's cheeks, embarrassed and a bit shamed, she looked down the black liquid floating around in her cup. "No, me and Leonard aren't together anymore."

"I'm sorry to hear that honey, so are you with this Sheldon then?"

Penny let out an almost buoyant chuckle. "Not even close, he's Leonard's roommate."

Her mother quirked a brow and sat down at the table. "Well that's an odd little group you've got over there in California." A silence hung in the air as Penny nodded slowly, thoughtfully. "You miss them don't you?" Penny answered with a soft 'yes' and her mother watched her carefully. "So I guess any hope I had of talking you into staying is rubbish?"

"I have to go back, Momma." Penny said in a slightly broken voice.

"For Leonard?"

Guilt washed over Penny's face and she couldn't possibly begin to understand why. When she and Leonard were in the thick of their relationship, she pictured him coming back to meet her family. It was always awkward in her mind but things with Leonard always were. He was different from her, from what she grew up in. He came from a house filled with science and not love, she was raised on hard work and family.

That's where she and Sheldon were so alike, even if he loathed his Texas upbringing, she knew that all the love he'd gotten growing up had sunk in somehow. She felt it in the way he looked at her, the way he spoke to her on the phone the first night she arrived. They were both born in southern towns with big families and tradition. The city was a change for them, they had roots of this life to call back on.

"Mom," Penny whispered, her tone gathering up all of her mother's attention. "I'm in love."

Her mother lit up just a bit with a smile. "With Leonard?" Penny shook her head slowly. "Waffles?" The blonde burst out a heavy chuckle and nodded while wiping at her watery eyes. "So then why aren't you two together then, I have never known you to back down from your heart."

"I know but Sheldon is so different… he's all about here." She pointed to her head. "He isn't interested in romance or finding someone to be with. His only love is science and Mom he is so brilliant, I really don't stand a chance."

There was a bit of confusion in her mother's eyes. "There's got to be a reason though right? I mean… Penny you're a mess, your crying and shakin'. Something had to bring out this kind of emotion in you, honey. You don't just fall in love without some kind of reason."

"When I'm sick… he takes care of me. When I dislocated my shoulder, remember when I told you that?" Kathleen nodded slightly, intently listening. "He drove me to the hospital… Mom he doesn't even know how to drive and it scares him to death but he did… for me." The older woman was ready to chime in, but Penny was on a roll. "He's kind and sweet and surprisingly sexy. He collects toys and comic books and has a strange obsession with trains that makes him act like a five year old. But… Mom when he touches me I lose all of my ability to function and I keep dreaming about him and thinking about him and I'm going insane!" She finished with a slight growl in frustration and looked at her mother who was simply beaming. "You're enjoying this?"

Kathleen laughed softly, for the first time in a week. "Honey… when you're a mother, this is what you dream about for your… children," she faltered just a bit, but pressed on. "I have never seen you like this before. You are head over heels and I think it's fantastic."

"it would be if there was any chance of making it work." Penny responded in defeat.

"Okay," her mother started, shifting her chair just a bit to move closer to her daughter. "Have you told him any of this?" Penny's look said what she couldn't, which was a blunt 'hell no'. "If we've learned anything from what's happened, Penny, it's that you don't give up on yourself. If you love this boy… you owe it to yourself to try."

Penny was in tears again, she hated what Sheldon could do to her, the big idiot was clueless and yet he had this horrible hold over her. "What if I tell him and it ruins everything, Mom… what if I lose him?"

"I can remember telling you that going to California was a mistake. That you were going to be hit by reality and come back here with your tail tucked between your legs. But you went anyways and… I see you now and how much you light up when you talk about your life there and I know you made the right choice. You didn't let fear stop you then and everything turned out okay. Take another risk, Penny. That's what you do best."

Without another word, Penny moved off the seat she was in and wrapped her arms around her mother in a tight hug. "Thank you, I—I uh," she pulled away and checked the clock. "I think I'm gonna go saddle up Carson and ride for a while, do you need me to do anything first?"

Kathleen smiled and dusted the tears off her cheeks. "No, you go take that horse of yours out. She doesn't get to do much ridin' these days."

As Penny scurried upstairs to change, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket.

Unacceptable, my entire day is ruined. Next Saturday cannot arrive fast enough.

She smiled, she went home next Saturday.

Carson was a retired race horse that her father had picked up for Penny on her sixteenth birthday. He was coated in a light brown, with spots of white on his stomach and a streak down the length of his nose. He was named by his previous owner after the old late night host and when they brought him in he was a bit wild and hard to handle.

Penny had taken it upon herself to break him in, she'd feed him and ride him, even broke her arm once when he'd bucked her off.

Eventually though, they became great friends and when Penny was dealing with whether or not to leave Omaha, she spent all of her free time on Carson's back… just trying to find her way.

Reaching up, she adjusted the cowboy hat atop her head. It was white and big, but it belonged to her brother and she felt it was appropriate to wear today.

Their land was always beautiful; Penny owed her strength and good physique to a life built around labor and fun on a seemingly never ending stretch of plain.

A few miles off of their property was a lake. It wasn't very big but it set along the backdrop of the city in the distance and from where Penny always approached it years ago, it was perfectly serene and a wonderful place to think.

It took her about twenty minutes to get there, the sun was up fully now and shimmering in front of her, the hat creating nice shade for her eyes as she made sure to move Carson as a steady pace.

Nothing was different when she reached her spot, the waters were still clear and ripping with the soft wind that gusted across the meadow. There were stretches of brush that were seemingly growing out of the water they were so close to the bank. The air was thick with the smell of grass and water.

The clopping feet of Carson against the hardening ground below them was the only sound that stood out against the gusts of the wind and the distant splashes of fish occasionally nearing the surface of the lake.

There were two things on Penny's mind as she pulled Carson to a stop and climbed down off him.

She could picture her brother sitting on the rock that was a few feet in front of her now slightly submerged in the water. And she could barely see a soft daydream of what it might be like to bring Sheldon here.

Tying her horse up to a nearby post that mentioned staying out of the lake, Penny moved to her brother's rock and jumped just a bit to step on it.

Slowly, she sat down and cross her legs underneath of her a bit.

When another fish poked it's head out, she could remember the first one he caught out here, he was twelve and they had all come to the lake together.

Abby was buried in her notebook, Penny remembered trying to follow Billy all around and him trying to keep her away. They all had their little poles, Penny's was pink and Abby's was black, unhooked and sitting on the bench next to her.

Her father had finally let Billy use one of his big ones and he was so excited. He hooked it himself, fresh worm and even worked on his casting in the driveway so he knew how to get it as far out as he could.

Billy went on this rock and sat there for a good forty minutes, occasionally pulling in his line to check that the worm hadn't fallen off. Then he had a bite, he jumped and nearly fell into the water, caught himself and started reeling in for all he was worth.

Wyatt had come to him first, his eyes lit up with pride as he asked if Billy needed any help. There could have been a shark on the other end and her brother wasn't going to give up that pole.

It probably only took about five minutes, but Penny could remember it feeling like forever for him to get that fish to the bank.

That was when he called on her, because she's slid in front of her dad and was closest. He handed her the pole and practically pleaded with her to hold the base and the reel in her hands and don't let go.

Penny held that thing with every bit of strength she could muster. Billy laid on his stomach on his rock and reached into the water. A moment later he pulled out his first fish, it was no monster but still fairly good sized.

His smile was so bright when he held it up, their mother had the camera out and even Abby had pulled her attention away long enough to watch. Penny never let go of that pole when he moved off his rock to take his victory photo.

That was when Billy held up his fish with one hand and wrapped his free arm around Penny… who was still holding his pole.

She could feel it coming before it did, Penny nearly jumped off the rock to find more solid ground and when she did, the knees of her jeans connected with the dirt as her bottom lip quivered and shook relentlessly.

The tears fell in waves, she sobbed and cried into the emptiness of the air around her. Penny apologized to the sky and dug her fingers into the dirt in search of anything to destroy.

It all hit her in that moment, the loss of him, the distance that had been created by the both of them. She didn't even know what he looked like when he was took his own life.

She couldn't picture anything but that boy on the rock, pulling in his fish.

Nearly an hour later, Penny returned back to her parent's home and was pleased to see that her sister's truck was here. Big and orange and out of place but it was Abby's baby.

She must have just arrived because she was climbing out as Penny strode up on Carson's back.

There was an almost ghostly look in Abby's eyes, Penny felt herself wash over with worry. "What?" She cried, watching as Abby shook away the cobwebs.

"No—nothing, sorry… shit you looked like him there… with the hat and the sun behind you. It just caught me off guard."

Penny jumped off Carson again and tied him to the little hooks at the front of the porch, she would come out later and take him back to the stables, but for now he could drink from the dogs water.

With Abby still staring at the while Stetson atop her head, Penny slid it off shyly. "I—I found it in the attic upstairs."

"He'd want you to have it, he was always giving you his stuff."

The weight on Penny's chest was gone, she had spent the last forty minutes crying for her brother, she was thankful that the blistering sun behind them was most likely hiding her puffy eyes. "Are you okay?" Penny asked, suddenly shaken with the memory of Abby's breakdown at the funeral the day before.

Her sister sighed heavily and fell back against the door of her truck. "Fuck no, I… shit this is awful. Penny I hate him, like I lay in bed at night and wish that he wasn't dead so I could kill him myself. How selfish was he?" Abby's voice is breaking and angry, her feet were digging into the ground.

"I was mad at him too at first."

Abby glared. "At first, but then what, you forgave him, you understood him? How could you understand anyone that would take away their own life?"

Moving to her sister's side, Penny leaned next to her. "You can't," she offered, playing with the brim of the hat. "None of us understood Billy enough to know what he was thinking, we let him go at the same time he let us go."

"I hadn't talked to him in three years, last thing I said was 'don't bring that shit of yours back to Mom and Dad'." Abby reached up heatedly and wiped at her eyes. "He never did."

Penny swallowed the lump in her throat. "Then you probably did the right thing… you know Mom, she would have welcomed him in and turned a blind eye when he started making that stuff in her basement. It could have driven her and Dad apart. Mom was always blind when it came to Billy."

After a moment of quiet, Abby laughed sadly. "She never missed anything we did though."

"Oh hell no, I couldn't sneeze on a naked boy without mom talking to me about getting pregnant at sixteen." Abby snorted a laugh that drew Penny's ire. "Don't say it."

Of course, Abby couldn't control herself. "You were such a slut in high school."

"For the record, I had sex twice in high school and one of them didn't really count because we got caught halfway through by Grandma and she got that damn rifle of Dad's and nearly shot poor TJ."

Both girls laughed and cried a bit as the heat bellowed down on them, neither wanting to leave this moment. It was their first in years, together.

"He's still here, you know?" Abby said offhandedly. Penny sent her a questioning look. "TJ, works construction for the city. Still gorgeous and is always working without his shirt on… he asks about you."

She may not know what his initials stood for but if Penny remembered right, TJ was a good looking boy. He had the cheekbones, the nice arms and defined abs that she used to swoon over growing up.

Oddly though now, she wondered if he knew what Green Lantern's alter ego was.

Penny smiled softly, for no one else but herself and her crazy ass neighbor who never left her mind.

"Hey, are you listening to me?" Abby said, her bark breaking Penny's train of thought.

She blushed despite herself. "Sorry, what'd you say?"

"I said he asked about you before the funeral. He wasn't invited but he knew Billy and brought Mom some flowers… he asked about you."

Her stomach dropped a bit. "What did you tell him?"

Abby shrugged. "That you were still out of his league." Penny smiled. "I did tell him he could find you here though."

"You what?" Penny cried. "Abby I'm…," that was where the words ended. What was she really? Taken? No, she wasn't taken by any man, the one she wished to be taken by was not only miles away right now, but he was miles away when she was sitting right next to him on that couch.

A suddenly odd image flashed through Penny's mind in that moment. It felt like a dream of some kind, a daydream. She imagined herself talking to TJ, flirting with him and kissing him. What her life with him would be here, leaving behind California and dating him. Perhaps one day she would marry him and have children with him. Grow old here working on the farm and at the market selling the things they grew and raised.

There were no girls nights with Bernadette and Amy, no watching the Bachelor with Raj and getting him drunk enough that he could talk but not so much that he turned into an ass. No silly conversations with Leonard about science where he tried to explain something to her and she'd smile and nod and he'd give up only to have her throw it back in his face the next week with a smile.

No Sheldon, oh God that one hurt.

The idea of no Halo night, of not seeing him at the Cheesecake Factory every Tuesday night or sitting next to him while they ate Thai food.

Never singing him Soft Kitty, or never having him sing it to her. Never having the chance to kiss him, she wanted to kiss him so badly. To try, to push him and see what he sent back. What if she never did? What if she stayed here and married TJ?

It was the most frightening thought that had ever crossed her mind. The idea of staying here with TJ and not knowing what might happen if she took her chance with Sheldon.

She couldn't, she had to know if that damn cat was alive.

"Penny!" Abby screamed into the air and the blonde jumped in shock. "Jesus kid! Could you please keep your attention on me for five second before you go all blonde bimbo and fade off again."

Penny flushed with embarrassment and fought away the agony of her visions of life without Pasadena. "Sorry, I uh… I think I'm gonna go take a shower."

Together they moved towards the house. "I don't know what's got you so worked up, but the showerhead in Mom's bathroom detaches so… you know, it'll help release the tension."

"Oh God!" Penny groaned and swatted Abby in the arm, the brunette merely laughed evilly.

After offering a soft hello to her parents in the kitchen, Penny trounced up the stairs and felt her cell phone buzz in her pocket about halfway up.

Pulling it out, she smiled when Amy's smiling face appeared on the screen, a text.

I too wish I was there with you, the photo you sent me last night was quite appealing.

Penny stopped midstride and stared at her phone in wonder. She had not sent any photos to Amy, she hadn't even texted her since she called yesterday morning before the funeral. It took her three tries to start her response. She had a simple 'WTF' at first but it didn't seem enough.

Finally, she just went with her initial reaction.

What photo r u talking about Ames?

She sent the message and made her way to the top of the stairs.

Almost as soon as her foot hit the second floor, her phone buzzed again.

Sorry Bestie! I sent my previous message to you by mistake, your name was three letters off from the person it was meant for, and I have no M's, N's or O's in my contacts.

Confusion only hit her harder as she stepped into the bathroom, yes it was her mother's bathroom but that's where the good shampoo was and she was only interested in the hair products.

Tired from her breakdown at the lake, Penny slowly shed her clothes and let the water run a bit to heat up just right. It wasn't until she had opened the shower door that the realization hit her.

H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P….

"L?" She mumbled to herself, slowly stepping under the stream. "She was texting… Leonard?"

Penny then merely shrugged it off, it was probably a picture of something science-y and that would get Amy's juices flowing.

Glancing up at the showerhead, Abby's voice sounded in her mind. She growled and rolled her eyes.

She was in love with a boy who might not even know how to use his own penis… she hadn't had sex in over a year and had no intentions of meeting some random guy until after she'd taken the leap with Dr. Wack-a-doodle.

A flash of that boy from her dreams came into her mind, touching her and caressing her. Kissing her... loving her.

"Screw it," she mumbled before swiftly plucking the showerhead from its holster and praying she'd locked the bathroom door.