Chapter Ten
The Valentine's Day Exploding Cowgirl Incident

FADE IN EXT. SOUTH PARK HIGH SCHOOL
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY arrive on the scene as OFFICER BARBRADY directs the large mob of angry men away from a dead girl with a cow's head. Seen among the crowd are RANDY, GERALD, SKEETER, STEPHEN STOTCH, and STUART MCCORMICK.

ANGRYMAN#1:
We're trying to see the girls, Barbrady!

ANGRYMAN#2:
Yeah! Get this mess outta here!

BARBRADY:
And I've told you time and time again; there's nothing to see here! Move along!

STAN:
What's going on, Officer Barbrady?

BARBRADY:
Huh? Oh, this is no place for young kids!

WENDY:
We're just curious as to what's going on. You're here with a huge crowd of men and a dead girl wearing a fake cow's head.

Several of the men in the crowd give each other puzzled looks, while BARBRADY just stands stone faced.

BARBRADY:
There's no dead girl here.

KYLE:
Yeah, there is.

KYLE points in the direction of the dead girl.

KYLE:
*cont'd*
Over there.

A close up of the dead girl shows that she's completely naked. Her torso looks as if something burst out from within her chest cavity. The area is not only covered in blood and various meaty bits, but a white liquid as well.

BARBRADY:
Oh, that? That's- That's just a cow.

The four kids blink in unison.

KYLE:
There is no way that is a cow. I mean, the head looks like paper-matchey!

STAN:
Like what?

KYLE:
You know, that stuff that we made from shredded newspaper and glue.

STAN:
Which stuff?

KYLE:
That stuff that Cartman spent all class eating.

WENDY:
Ewww!

STAN:
*realizes*
Oh! That stuff!

BARBRADY:
You need your eyes checked, smartie pants! I think I know a dead cow when I see one!

WENDY walks up to the body and grips the head in her hands.

BARBRADY:
Hey! Get away from my crime scene, you! You're leaving your filthy fingerprints all over the evidence!

She attempts to tug the head off to no avail. She and the boys look puzzled when nothing happens.

WENDY:
But-

KENNY:
*points*
Hey, what's that?

STAN walks up and grabs a hold of a locket from around the cowgirl's neck. He opens it and reads-

STAN:
*reading*
"If found, please return to the South Park Genetical Engine-eering Ranch, in care of Dr. Alphonsy MEPHESTO."

He blinks in surprise.

STAN:
*cont'd*
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

WENDY:
Ewww!

The two quickly back away and look at BARBRADY.

BARBRADY:
I told you it was a cow, but you didn't listen!

RANDY and GERALD appear behind the boys and WENDY.

RANDY:
Stan?! What the hell are you doing here?

STAN:
Dad?

GERALD:
And Kyle?! You need to go home! There are things around here that aren't for young eyes to see!

KYLE:
What? You mean like a mutilated girl with a giant cow's head?

RANDY:
Well, yeah, that too, but you shouldn't be here. There are too many naked girls. You might get the wrong idea.

STAN:
How? We've been seeing naked girls all day. I don't see them any differently. They're just as naked as I am.

RANDY:
When you're older you'll figure it out.

WENDY pinches the bridge of her nose.

WENDY:
Can we stop talking about naked girls for a moment?

SKEETER:
That's a strange thing for a nekkid girl to say, what with you bein' nekkid 'n all.

WENDY:
And you'd rather focus on that than the girl with a giant cow's head that is lying dead no more than five feet from us?

RANDY:
Well, yeah, but we're more concerned about you kids seeing nudity.

STAN:
*facepalms*
We've been naked all day, dad, and we have to be naked all day tomorrow.

RANDY just stares at STAN, as if he's unable to comprehend.

RANDY:
Oh. Well, you can't see boobs, then.

WENDY:
But my boobs have been exposed all day!

RANDY:
Uh, you can't see big boobs, then.

WENDY:
*pissed*
Hey!

GERALD:
Go on, Kyle. Go play elsewhere with your friends. We'll take care of the mess here.

RANDY ushers the kids away.

KENNY:
*to KYLE*
They just want to watch the high school girls.

KYLE rolls his eyes.

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT
Lightning flashes on the establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - LAB
DR. ALPHONSE MEPHESTO and his little creature friend KEVIN are looking down into the CAMERA, which is pointed to the ceiling.

MEPHESTO:
I'd like to thank you children for finding my Bessie.

He tinkers with something off screen bottom.

MEPHESTO:
I've spent many weeks perfecting her DNA so that a human woman could produce milk as tasty and refreshing as a bovine's.

When the shot moves to a more proper one, it can be seen that the dead cowgirl has been moved from the crime scene. STAN, KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY watch on with interest.

STAN:
Why?

MEPHESTO:
With the sudden onset of exploding cows, our milk resource could suddenly disappear. The only other animal that produces milk that humans can consume is human itself; it just doesn't taste as good.

KYLE:
So, let me get this straight, you changed a girl's DNA so that she'd have a giant cow's head and produce cow milk?

MEPHESTO:
No, no! That would be unethical! I changed a cow's DNA so that she was a human that produced cow milk!

STAN:
*to KYLE*
Isn't that basically the same thing?

KYLE shrugs.

WENDY:
Why was she at the high school?

MEPHESTO:
She was enrolled there.

All four kids gasp.

MEPHESTO:
She wanted to be a cheerleader. Who am I to judge?

KENNY:
And nobody noticed a girl with huge knockers and a cow's head?

MEPHESTO:
No, no, no. She looked perfectly normal when in clothing, but with the Mayor's recent decree-

STAN:
*rolls his eyes*
Don't remind us.

MEPHESTO:
-her genetic abnormalities were obviously more apparent.

He motions for the others to follow him as he walks through the lab. Various strange genetically enhanced animals can be seen in both the background and foreground, including the Swiss cheese spliced with chalk and a beard.

MEPHESTO:
I had hoped that changing Bessie's DNA would have made her immune to whatever is causing our cows to explode, but it would seem that I have failed. My only hope now is that I can isolate the cause before anything happens to Clarabella.

KYLE:
Who's Clarabella?

They stop at a glass cage that houses a normal looking black haired little girl with a cow's tail. Said girl is cowering in the corner.

MEPHESTO:
This is Clarabella.

WENDY steps forward and gently taps on the glass. The cowgirl turns around in surprise, revealing cow ears, tiny horns on her forehead, a septum style nose piercing complete with a ring, and at least four nipples on her chest. She eyes the four children.

CLARABELLA:
*excitedly*
Moo!

WENDY's mouth gapes open in surprise.

STAN:
Damn, dude. This is pretty fucked up right here.

KYLE:
What's wrong with her?

CLARABELLA:
*excitedly*
Moo moo moo! Moomoo!

MEPHESTO:
This is unusual. She's never acted like this before.

STAN:
Why does she keep saying "moo"?

MEPHESTO:
She may look like a little girl, but she's still just a cow.

CLARABELLA:
*excitedly*
Moo! Moo moomoo moo moo!

KYLE:
It sounds almost like we're upsetting her.

MEPHESTO:
It's quite possible. She normally only sees Kevin and myself.

STAN approaches the glass and puts his hand on its surface.

STAN:
It's okay. We're not going to hurt you.

The cowgirl hesitates for a moment before approaching and placing a hand on the opposite side of the glass.

CLARABELLA:
Mooo...

STAN:
*blinks*
Maybe you should let her out, dude.

MEPHESTO:
I would, but I'm afraid to do so until I can isolate what's causing cows to randomly explode. If only I had more time!

The cowgirl continues to stare at STAN.

CLARABELLA:
*hushed*
Help.

STAN:
*surprised*
What?

CLARABELLA:
Moo.

STAN just stares back in disbelief.

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT
A slight breeze blows through the night, kicking up clouds of snow dust and causing several trees on the grounds to rattle their branches. STAN, decked out in all black, approaches the front gate and flattens himself against the "Keep Out" sign. After waiting to see if he was spotted, he uses the sign to help him climb over the spiked fence. After he lands on the other side, a slight breeze blows one side of the gate open with a creak.

STAN:
*pissed*
What the hell? Seriously?

CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - MORNING
KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY are waiting for the bus.

CARTMAN:
So, let me get this straight. That crazy old dude changed a cow into a girl?

KYLE:
Yeah.

CARTMAN:
...with big titties?

KYLE:
Yeah.

CARTMAN:
...and it exploded?

KYLE:
Yeah, dude. Absolutely bizarre.

CARTMAN:
Fucking gross is what it is.

KYLE:
The other one actually looked like a girl. She just couldn't talk. Also, bizarre.

CARTMAN:
Wendy Testicleburger is a dumb cow. You sure you weren't looking at her?

CARTMAN laughs which prompts KYLE to smack him on the back of the head.

KYLE:
Don't rip on Wendy, dude.

CARTMAN:
Ay! Serves the bitch right for not bein' able to back up her shit talk.

KYLE:
You know, I could tell you to stop gloating.

CARTMAN:
You can tell me all you want, pee-drinker. Doesn't mean I give a rat's ass.

He laughs mockingly.

CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
Although I was hardcore gloating when I uploaded "Snowballed Bitch over Pee Faced Jew" to Facebook and tagged the both of you in it.

KYLE:
*tersely*
You did what?

CARTMAN:
It's only a matter of time before Lieutenant Sulu reposts it. Once he does, you and Bitchtaburger will be internet famous.

CARTMAN laughs.

KYLE:
I really hope you're joking.

CARTMAN:
It's okay, Kyle. I'm only fucking with you. Heh heh.

KYLE:
Thank god.

CARTMAN shakes his backpack.

CARTMAN:
I'm actually goin' to project it on the cafeteria wall during lunch.

KYLE:
What?!

KYLE attempts to grab CARTMAN's pack, but immediately stops and looks away.

KYLE:
*confused*
Dude, what did you do?

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - LAB
MEPHESTO bursts through the door with KEVIN at his heels. He stops at a desk, gathers some paperwork, and quickly continues on his way.

MEPHESTO:
I think I found the answer, Kevin! I just need to run some more tests!

When the doctor passes the glass cage that used to contain a cow human hybrid, KEVIN stops to stare at its open door.

MEPHESTO:
*off screen*
Kevin, get on the phone and see if Farmer Denkins can spare a few cows for testing!

He looks up in the direction that MEPHESTO had vacated and hurries to catch up.

CUT TO EXT. BUST STOP - MORNING
STAN and CLARABELLA the cowgirl have joined the boys. CLARABELLA's breasts appear to be slightly larger than the last time she was seen. CARTMAN and KENNY look confused, while KYLE looks absolutely horrified.

KYLE:
Dude, where did she come from?

CLARABELLA:
Moo!

STAN:
Um, the genetical engine-eering ranch?

KYLE:
Dude! You could be charged with theft and kidnapping!

CARTMAN:
Sweet.

STAN:
Really?

KYLE:
*pissed*
Durr, dude! Seriously! What the hell possessed you to go back there?!

STAN:
I don't know, dude! I just felt sorry for her!

KYLE:
*pissed*
The fuck, Stan?! You realize how weak that sounds?!

STAN:
Jesus, calm down, Kyle! If anybody asks, she got out herself. Cows aren't stupid.

CARTMAN:
They sound like your parents, Kenny.

KENNY:
*sadly*
They're not drunk, poor, stupid, or loud enough.

KYLE storms off and grabs CLARABELLA by the wrist.

KYLE:
*pissed*
C'mon! We're taking her back to the genetical ranch before we get in trouble.

CLARABELLA struggles against KYLE's grip.

CLARABELLA:
*frantic*
Noo!

KYLE stops in shock and slowly turns to look at her. The other boys look on with the same expression.

KYLE:
Did-did you just say "no"?

CLARABELLA:
*frantic*
Noo go back!

KYLE:
*quickly lets go of her hand*
Holy crap, dude!

STAN:
I knew cows were smart, but god damn!

CARTMAN:
You guys, this is why I don't like my steak rare! I don't want it talkin' back to me as I'm eating it!

KYLE:
Why don't you want to go back?

CLARABELLA:
*sadly*
Loone...ly.

Three of four boys share a concerned look. Cartman just raises an eyebrow.

STAN:
You were lonely?

The cowgirl nods.

KYLE:
Well, hell. Now I feel like a dick.

CARTMAN:
I've been saying that you were one for years now.

STAN:
Shut up, Cartman.

KYLE:
What should we do?

STAN:
*shrugs*
Disguise her?

CLARABELLA:
Moo?

KYLE:
Do you know anything about dressing up girls?

STAN:
No. Cartman?

CARTMAN:
Puh, yeah, right.

STAN:
Kenny?

KENNY shakes his head.

STAN:
Well, then I guess we take her to school and ask Wendy.

CARTMAN:
*excitedly*
You guys! Screw Wendy! What if we just passed her off as a freak with a tail?

STAN:
*tersely*
What.

CARTMAN:
Like she's one of those creepy freak babies with three arms?

KYLE:
That's the stupidest thing I've ever-

STAN:
No, dude. It could work.

CLARABELLA:
Moo moo moo?

KYLE:
But she sounds like a cow!

STAN:
Then we have until we get to class to teach her how to talk like us!

KYLE seems unimpressed with the plan, but is unable to voice his opinion as the bus pulls up. The boys go to get on.

MS. CRABTREE:
Wait a minute! Why the hell is that cow trying to get on the bus?

STAN:
She's not a cow, dude! She's...the new girl...from Wisconsin.

MS. CRABTREE:
Oh! Well, alright then. I like your cheese, little girl.

CARTMAN stifles a laugh.

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY
As STAN and CLARABELLA walk down the hallway, other students give puzzled looks.

STAN:
Okay, so we'll try this again. Mr. Garrison is going to ask why you're in class and you're going to say...

CLARABELLA:
I mooved here froom Wiscoonsin.

STAN:
Kick ass, dude! I can't believe how fast you've learned this!

The cowgirl smiles.

KYLE:
*off screen*
There you are!

STAN:
Hey, dude.

KYLE and WENDY join them in walking to class.

KYLE:
So what's the story for Mr. Garrison?

CLARABELLA:
*excitedly*
I mooved here froom Wiscoonsin!

WENDY:
Oh, wow! Think he'll buy it?

STAN:
Dude, remember that time Kenny dressed up as a girl and had Mr. Garrison convinced he was from that country with the windmills for a week?

WENDY:
You mean Holland?

STAN:
*uncaring*
Yeah, whatever.

KYLE:
He'll buy it.

In the classroom, all the kids are seated, with CLARABELLA in between STAN and KYLE. MR. GARRISON enters the room.

MR. GARRISON:
All right, class. We're going to pick up from yesterday's lesson about how George Washington Carver chopped down the first cherry tree as a Valentine's Day gift for Jackie Kennedy Onassis.

He pauses to eye CLARABELLA.

MR. GARRISON:
Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my classroom?

CLARABELLA:
I mooved here froom Wiscoonsin!

MR. GARRISON:
That's great, but who are you?

CLARABELLA:
*excitedly*
I mooved here froom Wiscoonsin!

KYLE:
*to STAN, hushed*
Dude! Is that all she can say?

STAN:
Uh, kinda.

MR. GARRISON:
We've already established that, cheese-packer! What's your name?

CLARABELLA:
*puzzled*
Moo?

MR. GARRISON:
"Moo?" What the hell kind of name is that? No, don't tell me. You are from Wisconsin after all. You're all fucking weird up there, what with your Tom Wopats, Dustin Diamonds, and strange obsession with humping cows.

STAN:
*hushed, to KYLE*
He bought it.

MR. GARRISON turns to write on the blackboard.

MR. GARRISON:
So, anyway, in 1875 George Washington Carver-

CLARABELLA:
*confused*
Moo?

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - CAFETERIA
A large photo of the defeated WENDY and KYLE from the snowball fight the day before is projected on one of the walls. WENDY is seen brooding about it with the other girls, though BEBE seems to be keeping her distance. STAN, an angry KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY are at their usual table with their new friend. CLARABELLA, seated next to STAN, swishes her tail irritably as she rubs her much noticeably larger breasts. While STAN, KYLE, and CARTMAN appear to be oblivious to her actions, KENNY watches intently with a smile on his face.

KYLE:
You are such an asshole, Cartman.

CARTMAN:
*smugly*
Yes, well, I just love the fact that Wendy is currently spreading her giant poonanner to the entire school like a god damn slut. What a bitch.

KYLE:
It's a photo. And you put it there.

CARTMAN:
Kahl, do you deny that that is Wendy Testaburger?

KYLE:
No.

CARTMAN:
And do you deny that that is her giant poonanner winking at us right now?

KYLE:
No, that is most certainly a vagina.

STAN:
I wouldn't say it's winking...

CARTMAN:
So, would you say that the statement "Wendy Testaburger is spreading her giant poonanner in front of the entire cafeteria" is a false one?

KYLE:
*pauses angrily*
No.

CARTMAN:
Yes, well, it's certainly hard to miss something that huge.

CARTMAN laughs deviously.

KYLE:
*flatly*
It's embarrassing.

CARTMAN:
I know! Isn't it awesome?!

KYLE:
Whatever. I'm done talking to you.

KYLE points to CLARABELLA.
KYLE:
*to STAN*
So, have you figured out what you're going to do with her?

STAN:
I was thinking about taking her back to the genetical ranch after school.

CLARABELLA:
*fearfully*
Noo!

She grabs STAN's arm and pulls herself close to him. Upon doing so, two things happen. One: STAN raises his eyebrows in concern. Two: one of her enlarged breasts smooshes itself up against STAN's arm causing streams of white liquid from her nipples to arc across the table into CARTMAN's face. The fat boy sputters as it hits him between the eyes.

STAN:
Whoa, dude!

STAN and KYLE laugh while KENNY grins like a lecherous fool.

CARTMAN:
*irked*
The fuck?!

KYLE:
Wow! Cool! She's like a sprinkler!

CARTMAN, in attempting to clean his face, inadvertently licks some of the milk from his lips.

CLARABELLA:
Moo?

His expression suddenly goes blank.

KENNY:
She's not the only one.

KYLE:
I don't get it, Kenny.

STAN:
Me either.

KENNY laughs while CARTMAN sits absolutely flabbergasted.

STAN:
You okay, Cartman?

CARTMAN:
You guys... I think...

KYLE:
What?

CARTMAN:
I think I just tasted the best tasting milk ever.

KYLE:
*raises an eyebrow*
What?

CARTMAN:
*dreamily*
It was like...nothing I ever tasted before.

CLARABELLA:
*raises an eyebrow*
Moo?

KYLE:
What's that taste like?

CARTMAN:
Vanilla with a hint of mint and something else I can't quite put my finger on.

CARTMAN stares blankly at the cowgirl.

CARTMAN:
*dreamily*
Your boobs are filled with heaven.

The girl makes an attempt to hide behind STAN.

CARTMAN:
*hushed*
I...must have it.

STAN:
That's...kinda creepy, Cartman.

CARTMAN suddenly attempts to leap over the table, but only ends up belly flopping on the table top which causes the other four to lean back in surprise. His arms are outstretched in an attempt to grab CLARABELLA's breasts.

CARTMAN:
*shouting*
I want that milk, god dammit!

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - LAB
MEPHESTO and KEVIN are watching video footage of the legless HALFIE on a stool having sex with a cow. MEPHESTO seems unimpressed.

MEPHESTO:
Well, I think we can assume that cows are not being molested to the point of explosion.

He gets up and walks towards a glass room. Here it is revealed that the video footage of HALFIE is a live feed. Several other cows are in the room as well seemingly paying no mind to anything going on. One of them has an udder that is severely swollen to the point that the cow would be unable to walk if it tried. MEPHESTO leans up against the glass in exasperation.

MEPHESTO:
I just wish I could figure it all out!

The cow with the swollen udder suddenly explodes in a bloody milky mess. HALFIE, now covered in milky gore and in the throes of passion, pays no attention. MEPHESTO stares at the scene with his mouth agape.

MEPHESTO:
I... I think I've got it! Kevin! Give the homeless man his fifty dollars and have one of the clones clean this mess up! I must do more experiments!

KEVIN just blinks.

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY
STAN and an uncomfortable looking CLARABELLA are standing near the janitor's closet. CLARABELLA's breasts have increased in size yet again and look slightly reddish in color complete with visible veins.

STAN:
Alright. The next class is Art. The teacher there isn't as retarded as Mr. Garrison. Got your story straight?

She gives one of her breasts a rub and nods.

CLARABELLA:
I'm Clarabella. I mooved here froom Wiscoonsin.

STAN:
Sweet!
*pauses*
Dude, you okay?

The cowgirl looks surprised at the question at first, but then shakes her head. She holds both her swollen breasts in her hands.

CLARABELLA:
Moo?

STAN:
*raises an eyebrow*
Um, yeah, those are boobs.

CLARABELLA:
*shakes head*
Moolk...me.

STAN's expression drops in realization.

STAN:
You...want me...to milk you?

When the girl smiles and nods, he raises an eyebrow once more.

STAN:
You...want me...to milk you?

She eagerly nods again and takes his hand in hers.

STAN:
Why me? Isn't that something you should...you know...do yourself?

CLARABELLA:
Moo...

STAN stares in puzzlement for a moment before looking down at her breasts. The door to the janitor's closet opens slightly behind them revealing a bit of CARTMAN's face.

STAN:
Damn, dude...
*pauses*
Alright. After school, but you're coming to the dance with us tonight.

CLARABELLA eagerly hugs STAN. When she does, three things happen. One, her swollen breasts crush up against his chest resulting in a large puddle of milk forming on the floor. Two, several student passersby look at the two and the puddle in either disgust or confusion. Three, CARTMAN's face turns beet red for a moment before he bursts out of the closet.

CARTMAN:
*panicked*
What the fuck are you doing?!

He shoves the two out of the way, goes down on all fours, and starts licking milk off the floor with loud and embarrassing slurping noises.

CARTMAN:
*panicked*
Can't waste it! Can't waste it!

KYLE and KENNY walk up at this point and stare in bewilderment.

KYLE:
*puzzled*
What...the...fuck?

STAN:
*puzzled*
Your guess is a good as mine.

KENNY:
That must be some magic titty milk...

STAN:
No kidding.

KYLE:
Dude, why are the two of you all wet?

STAN, looking like he was caught doing something he wasn't supposed to, looks to CLARABELLA who only smiles in response. He then looks to KENNY who nods with a knowing look, to CARTMAN on the floor-

CARTMAN:
*panicked*
Can't waste heaven! Seriously! You guys! Gotta drink it all!

-and finally to KYLE who just raises an eyebrow.

STAN:
*quickly*
She hugged me.

KENNY:
The last girl that hugged me got all wet, too.

KYLE:
I can't tell if you're being serious or if that's some sick joke I fail to understand.

KENNY laughs.

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - LAB
MEPHESTO finishes connecting a milking machine to a distressed looking cow with an udder so swollen that its hooves are barely touching the floor.

COW:
Moo.

Once the task is complete, MEPHESTO turns on the apparatus, runs through the open door, and slams it shut. He watches from the safety offered by the thick glass wall. As the teat cups attached to the cow's udder bob up and down like pistons, milk begins to flow rapidly through the translucent tubes. A look of relief flashes across the cow's face as its udder slowly starts to shrink.

MEPHESTO:
*excitedly*
Yes! That's it! Kevin! That's it!

KEVIN bounces up and down in excitement.

MEPHESTO:
The cows have been exploding due to an increase in milk production that isn't matched by current milking procedures! Quick! Go retrieve Clarabella! She'll need to be milked soon!

KEVIN stops bouncing and just stares at MEPHESTO.

MEPHESTO:
I get the feeling that you're about to tell me some bad news.

CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - DAY
The bus pulls up and opens its doors. KENNY, CARTMAN, KYLE, and STAN exit the bus and walk towards their homes. CLARABELLA struggles to catch up considering that her breasts are now so swollen and painful looking that she has to use her hands to hold them up. Their color has changed from red to purple.

CLARABELLA:
*pained*
Moooo!

The boys stop in surprise. A creepy sort of grin crosses CARTMAN's face.

CLARABELLA:
*pained*
Moolk...me.

STAN:
Here?

When she nods STAN looks around in embarrassment.

STAN:
*cont'd*
I dunno, dude.

CARTMAN:
*licks his lips*
If you won't, asshole, I will.
*hushed*
I want to taste heaven.

The other three boys share a look of concern before going back to CARTMAN.

KYLE:
What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman? You've been acting weird ever since lunch.

STAN:
Yeah, dude. You're really starting to creep us out.

CARTMAN only responds with a creepy grin. STAN grabs CLARABELLA by the arm and walks her away from the group.

STAN:
C'mon, dude. We'll go back to my house.

CARTMAN suddenly lunges at STAN with a deranged cry and tackles him to the ground. CLARABELLA loses her balance and falls over as well. CARTMAN punches STAN. STAN attempts to avoid being hit.

CARTMAN:
I want that milk, god dammit! You'll just waste it!

STAN:
What the hell, Cartman?! Get off of me!

CARTMAN:
You can't waste tasty heaven, asshole!

KYLE and KENNY rush over and pull CARTMAN off of STAN. STAN stands and wipes his mouth.

STAN:
What the hell, Cartman?

CARTMAN:
*struggles, shouting*
Let me go, assholes! I need to stop him! He'll waste it! He'll waste it all!

KYLE:
*irked*
Waste what, fat ass?

CARTMAN:
*struggles*
The liquid heaven! I must have it!

STAN:
*irked*
Why?

CARTMAN stops struggling for a moment and genuinely looks incredibly sad.

CARTMAN:
My cereal's dry...

STAN:
*tersely*
What.

KYLE:
C'mon, Kenny. Let's take crazy ass home and lock him in the basement.

KENNY nods and the two lead the struggling and shouting CARTMAN away.

KYLE:
We'll meet you at the dance, Stan.

CARTMAN:
*shouting*
No, Kahl! You're fucking it all up! He'll kill us all! Kinny! Let me go, god dammit! I have to have it!

KYLE:
Sure thing, fat ass.

CARTMAN:
*shouting*
Nooo! You guys! Dry cereal! Nooo!

CLARABELLA and STAN share a look before STAN shrugs.

CUT TO EXT. MARSH RESIDENCE - DAY
Establishing shot.

STAN:
*off screen*
I dunno, dude. I still feel like this is...wrong or perverted on some level.

CUT TO INT. MARSH RESIDENCE - UPSTAIRS BATHROOM
STAN and CLARABELLA are standing in the shower. The cowgirl's breasts look ready to explode at any moment. Tears stream down her face as she breathes heavily in pain.

STAN:
Okay. You sure you want me to do this?

The cowgirl tearfully nods.

STAN:
You sure you can't...do this on your own?

CLARABELLA:
*pained*
Moo!

STAN:
Okay...
*pauses*
How?

CLARABELLA:
*painfully*
Moo moo moomoo moooo!

STAN:
Okay! Okay! I guess I'll just try something...or whatever.

He places his hands on her incredibly swollen teats and begins to tug gently on them.

STAN:
I don't feel weird doing this...

The CAMERA cuts to the hallway and focuses on the closed bathroom door. STAN snickers a few times until a jet stream of liquid hitting a surface can be heard. The sound of one stream suddenly becomes two. Two becomes three. Three becomes four.

STAN:
*off screen, puzzled*
What the fuh-

STAN's scream suddenly becomes waterlogged. Immediately thereafter, the door bursts off its hinges and STAN flies through the door way, propelled by a large jet stream of milk. After the waterworks stop, he sits up and shakes white liquid from his hands and face.

STAN:
Dude, I think I swallowed some of it!

CLARABELLA exits the bathroom with her face full of relief. Her bust, while still swollen looking, has decreased tremendously in size and is no longer a dangerous shade of purple.

STAN:
Feel better?

CLARABELLA:
*nods eagerly*
Fuck me. I thought my udders were going to explode.

STAN:
Wait. What did you just say?

There is an awkward silence for a beat.

CLARABELLA:
*confused*
I thought my udders were going to explode?

STAN:
Dude!

CLARABELLA looks around in a panic.

CLARABELLA:
What?

STAN:
Holy shit! I can understand you!

There is another awkward silence.

CLARABELLA:
*eyes wide*
You can understand everything I'm saying?!

STAN:
Yeah, dude! Clear as day!

CLARABELLA:
Oh, thank fucking cow! Human language is so fucking difficult to speak!
*pauses*
Yet so easy to understand.

STAN:
*confused*
Wait. What? If you're not speaking English...

After she shakes her head, there is a pause.

STAN:
Kenny was right. You must have some magic titty milk.

CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - DAY
Establishing shot.

CARTMAN:
*off screen*
Fucking assholes.

CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - BASEMENT
CARTMAN, who had been tied to a chair with duct tape, is removing the last of the tape from his person with his teeth.

CARTMAN:
Why couldn't they have used duct tape that tastes like tacos?!
*pissed*
Jesus Christ!

Upstairs, CARTMAN storms through the basement door.

CARTMAN:
*shouting*
Mom! MOM! You need to drive me to Denkin's farm so can I get revenge on Stan and Kyyyllle! Moooom!
*pauses*
God dammit! That bitch is never around when I need her!

He sits down on the couch.

CARTMAN:
I need to think of a way to get those assholes back and to keep the milk bitch for myself. Hmm...
*pissed*
I can't think with all this god damn silence!

He turns on the TV. On the screen, NEWSCASTER TOM is sitting at his desk.

NEWSCASTER TOM:
-to which Ms. Fisher drunkenly stated, "*bleep* Star Wars and *bleep* George Lucas!" When it was pointed out that she had been ranting to a fire hydrant, Ms. Fisher urinated on the police officer and then proceeded to call him a "god*beep* wookie fu*beep*g nerf-herder".

CARTMAN:
*laughs*
Sweet.

NEWSCASTER TOM:
In other news-

A picture of MEPHESTO spirals onto the top right of the screen.

NEWSCASTER TOM:
-local crackpot and genetic engineer, Alphonse MEPHESTO, is currently offering a reward for the location of an escaped human/cow hybrid experiment.

CARTMAN's eyes go wide in surprise.

NEWSCASTER TOM:
She's been described as a young girl with black hair, various cow like features, and extremely large titties. Here's a picture!

An image of Shannen Doherty from circa 1993 flashes on the screen.

NEWSCASTER TOM:
If anyone has any information on this special cow they are to call Animal Patrol or get in touch with Dr. MEPHESTO at the South Park Genetic-

CARTMAN shuts off the TV as an evil smile crosses his face.

CARTMAN:
*darkly*
I have to admit, that was a well-timed informative news break. Kudos, Channel Four. Kudos.

CUT TO EXT. DENKIN'S BARN - NIGHT
During the establishing shot, it can be seen that a huge banner reading "South Park Kids' Valentine's Day Dance" has been hung above the main entrance. Loud twangy country music can be heard coming from the inside. The CAMERA cuts closer as STAN, KYLE, WENDY, KENNY, KENNY's younger sister KAREN, and CLARABELLA stop just before the entrance. The five normal kids are all wearing their normal attires. CLARABELLA is sporting a black and white spotted summer dress that is struggling to contain her again swollen bust. Wet spots stain two large areas of her chest.

STAN:
Ten bucks says that your mom is going to take our clothes from us.

WENDY:
Ew. That's...kind of a disturbing image.

KYLE:
The sad part is that it's probably true.

KENNY:
[Too bad it's not Ms. Cartman. She can take my clothes any day.]

STAN:
Doesn't she have a penis, dude?

When KAREN tugs on KENNY's sleeve, he gets a worried expression on his face.

KAREN:
Kenny, how can a woman have a penis?

KENNY:
[Oh, uh...]

KYLE and WENDY laugh while STAN watches CLARABELLA fidget in her dress.

STAN:
You okay, dude?

CLARABELLA:
How can you people wear these things on your bodies?

STAN:
*shrugs*
I dunno. I never really thought about it.

KYLE and WENDY share a glance with raised eyebrows.

CLARABELLA:
It's just so fucking restrictive and itchy!

STAN:
You'll just have to get used to it, dude.

He grabs her by the hand and leads her inside.

STAN:
C'mon. Let's find a table as far away from the stage as we can get.

He stops just inside the entrance and looks back.

STAN:
*cont'd*
You guys coming or what?

WENDY:
You guys go ahead. I want to talk to Kyle...

She smiles seductively.

WENDY:
*cont'd ...privately for a moment.

KENNY giggles and leads his sister inside. WENDY waits a moment before looking around and dragging KYLE away from the doorway.

KYLE:
What?

WENDY:
Kyle, I'm worried about Stan...

KYLE:
What about him?

WENDY:
I can't tell if he's making up conversations with that girl or if he genuinely understands her. I mean, all she says is "moo"!

KYLE:
*shrugs*
Well, I guess what she's saying can be inferred by her body language.

WENDY:
True. I just...

KYLE:
Dude, just don't think about it. I mean, if you stopped to make sense of half the crap that happens to us on a daily basis you'd go insane.

WENDY:
Yeah, but-

KYLE:
I've been to outer space. Multiple times. Even flew across the galaxy with an Ethernopian and moved him and his people to the planet Marklar where the people there refer to anything and everything as Marklar.

There is a pause.

WENDY:
What?

KYLE:
My point.

WENDY blinks in confusion.

WENDY:
Wow. I thought Stan had made that up...

CUT TO INT. MARSH RESIDENCE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
RANDY, with a paper under his arm, comes up the stairs and into the hallway. He stops short when he notices the door lying on the floor. He sniffs the air.

RANDY:
Sharon?
*pauses*
Sharon?
*pauses, yells*
Sharon!

SHARON:
*off screen, yelling, pissed*
What, Randy?! I'm in the middle of making dinner!

RANDY:
Were you breast-feeding a baby up here?

SHARON:
*off screen, yelling*
Don't be stupid, Randy!

RANDY:
Oh. Well, I only ask 'cause it smells like curdled milk up here.

SHARON:
*off screen, yelling, pissed*
Nice try, but I'm not cleaning up your mess, mister!

RANDY:
*pouting*
Ugh! I didn't do it, Sharon! And I can't take a crap when it smells like milk!

SHARON:
*off screen, yelling*
You should've thought about that before making that mess! And don't even think about using my bathroom!

RANDY:
*pouting*
God dammit!

CUT TO INT. DENKIN'S BARN
STAN and CLARABELLA are seated at a table near a makeshift stage. STAN, looking bored, rests his head in his hands. Clothing had indeed been confiscated.

STAN:
Kyle owes me ten dollars.

CLARABELLA gingerly rubs her swollen breasts as her tail swishes back and forth.

CLARABELLA:
So...this is a...dance?

A wide CAMERA shot shows the entire room filled with kids, yet no one is dancing. They're all sitting at tables or standing near them looking uncomfortable, bored, or both.

STAN:
Supposed to be.

There is an awkward silence.

CLARABELLA:
Can I ask you a question?

STAN:
'kay...

CLARABELLA:
Why did you come back for me?

STAN:
I dunno.
*pauses*
I guess 'cause I felt a little sorry for you. You looked lonely in that glass cage.

CLARABELLA:
*surprised*
Really? Huh. And here I was led to believe that you'd kill me.

STAN:
*raises an eyebrow*
What?

From behind STAN, KENNY and an uncomfortable looking KAREN approach. KENNY stops them before they reach the table.

KAREN:
*hushed*
What's wrong, big brother?

KENNY holds up a hand to shush her and, in confusion, watches the other two converse.

CLARABELLA:
Moo moo!

STAN:
Who'd say something like that?

CLARABELLA:
Moo moomoo moo! Moo moo moo moo moomoo moo.

STAN:
That's all fine and well, but-

KENNY shrugs, leads his sister to the table, and waves a greeting.

STAN:
Hey, Kenny. -why would they say crap like that about me?

CLARABELLA:
It wasn't about you personally. It was only that the one outside time would lead us cows to our deaths.

STAN:
The one outside time?

KENNY raises his eyebrows at this.

STAN:
How do you even know that's me? What does that even mean, dude?

CLARABELLA:
I don't know, but I know it's you. You have a different aura. You're...different from the others I've met today.

STAN:
*confused*
I am?

CLARABELLA:
*nods*
Not only that, but you just let me out with a "hey, let's go", no second glances, no second thoughts... You've been so nice...

She blushes.

CLARABELLA:
*cont'd*
I've never had anyone milk me before...

She kisses STAN on the cheek.

CLARABELLA:
*cont'd*
Thank you.

STAN:
*puzzled*
You're welcome?

KENNY:
Now give her the tongue and squeeze her titties.

STAN:
*shocked*
Dude!

KAREN giggles at STAN's reaction. KYLE and WENDY suddenly appear and take seats across from STAN and KENNY.

KYLE:
Well, that could have gone better.

STAN:
What happened?

WENDY:
Kyle's mom is a fucking bitch is what happened.

KYLE:
Dude! She's still my mom!

WENDY:
I'm sorry, Kyle, but she pissed me off.

STAN:
*impatiently*
What happened?

KYLE:
*sighs*
They got into an argument about clothing.

WENDY:
And then she was all like-
*imitates Sheila*
-"Who do you think you are, little miss smartie-pants?"

KYLE:
*rolls eyes*
And then Wendy said-

WENDY:
*pissed*
"I'm your son's god damn girlfriend! That's who the fuck I am!"

KENNY:
*surprised*
Girlfriend?

KYLE:
Yeah. Needless to say, that didn't go over too well. I'm going to be hearing all about it tomorrow.

STAN:
That sucks, dude, but you knew full well getting into it what Wendy's like.
*pauses*
No offense, dude.

WENDY:
It's okay. I know I have slight anger management issues.

She shrugs.

WENDY:
*cont'd*
I'm just surprised that your mom really was in on this whole naked bullshit. I thought it was a joke!

KYLE looks embarrassed.

KYLE:
Dude, you weren't supposed to say anything!

WENDY realizes her mistake and covers her mouth.

STAN:
Dude, you better pray that no one else finds out about that.

KYLE:
I know. I'll get my ass kicked to next Tuesday.

KENNY laughs. Outside, CARTMAN, KEVIN, and MEPHESTO watch events unfold from a window.

MEPHESTO:
It's just as I feared! She's producing milk at an exponential rate! We'll have to get her back to the ranch for milking as soon as possible!

CARTMAN:
Fine, fine. Just don't forget about my...reward, good doctor.

MEPHESTO:
I still don't understand why you specifically want her milk.

CARTMAN:
*points to KEVIN*
And I'm still tryin' to figure out what the hell that is, but you don't hear me bitching about it!

MEPHESTO:
*pauses*
Very well.

Back inside, as the group sits at their table with rather bored expressions a curly blonde haired boy approaches WENDY from behind. STAN notices him straight away and glares daggers. The boy pays STAN no mind and taps WENDY on the shoulder. She turns around in surprise and then promptly shirks back in slight revulsion.

WENDY:
*surprised*
Gregory?

GREGORY:
Good evening to you, Wendy.

He takes her hand and kisses it it. WENDY clearly looks like she wants to be elsewhere at that moment. KYLE takes notice at this point and only raises an eyebrow, whether in confusion or irritation is up for interpretation. STAN continues to glare daggers.

GREGORY:
Dare I say that it has been too long since I have laid eyes on your beauty?

WENDY:
*fake laugh*
Um, sure.

GREGORY:
Come, Wendy! Let us wet our voices with drink and whisper our thoughts together on the stage of dance.

He attempts to pull her out of her seat, but fails when she yanks her arm free. At this point even KENNY, KAREN, and CLARABELLA are watching the scene with a form of interest.

WENDY:
*irked*
Actually, I'm fine, really.

GREGORY:
Fair Wendy, I beg of you to reconsider.

WENDY:
*irked*
No, seriously, I'd like to spend time with my boyfriend and our friends.

GREGORY raises an eyebrow and looks to STAN just as CLARABELLA latches on to his arm.

GREGORY:
*scoffs*
Stanley Marsh. It would seem that you defile fair maidens twain with your...debauchery.

CLARABELLA:
*puzzled*
Moo?

STAN:
*tersely*
I dunno who "Dee Botchery" is, kid. Bark up some other tree.

GREGORY:
I see. Well, then. Wendy, as your "boyfriend" seems to be enamored with another...

WENDY looks to KYLE with a pleading "help me" look.

GREGORY:
I shall ask you again-

STAN:
*tersely*
Kyle, this should be your cue to do something about this asshole.

KYLE:
*puzzled*
What?

GREGORY:
I do say there is no need for the language fowl, ruffian.

WENDY buries her face in her palm.

KENNY:
Dude, he's trying to pick Wendy up right in front of you.

WENDY nods.

KYLE:
Really? Because I can't understand what this asshole's saying with all the pretentious fancy talk.

GREGORY:
*tersely*
I beg your pardon?

KYLE:
Seriously. All I hear come out of your mouth is "Blah, blah, blah. I'm an uptight asshole."

As KENNY snickers, GREGORY glares at KYLE with a set jaw.

WENDY:
I'm sorry, Gregory. I'm not interested.

GREGORY:
*insulted*
You keep company with ruffians, fair Wendy. You clearly are worthy of so much more. Someday I hope you choose to join those of us with class. Until then, enjoy your destiny as another harlot.

He scoffs, turns on his heel, and walks away.

WENDY:
Harlot?
*pissed*
Did he just call me a whore?!

STAN:
God, I can't stand that kid.

KYLE:
Who the hell is that kid and where did he come from?

STAN:
He's that super political douche bag that tried stealing WENDY from me that time when your mom tried getting Terrance and Phillip banned.

WENDY nods.

KYLE:
Which time?

STAN:
I don't remember, actually, but, either way, I hope he gets run over by a bus.

WENDY:
*sighs*
I can't believe that I used to like that jerk.

KENNY:
*raises his eyebrows*
Ever kiss him?

WENDY:
Ew! He looks like he has a hare-lip! Gross!

KENNY laughs as the band on stage starts playing a slow country dance number. STAN buries his face into his palm.

STAN:
*deadpan*
Always with the country music.

KYLE:
*shrugs*
Can't have eighties power ballads all the time, dude.

WENDY:
I need to forget this incident happened.

She tugs on KYLE's hand.

WENDY:
*cont'd*
Dance with me, Kyle?

KYLE:
Okay.

The two vacate the table.

KYLE:
Just warning you, I'm not that great really.

WENDY:
You're not arrogant or pretentious. That's all that matters to me.

KAREN stands and tugs on her brother's arm.

KAREN:
C'mon, Kenny! You promised me!

KENNY:
*laughs*
Okay!

They vacate the table, leaving STAN to watch CLARABELLA rub her red and swollen bust.

STAN:
You okay, dude?

CLARABELLA:
No... It hurts.

STAN:
Dude.

CLARABELLA:
Can you help me again?

STAN:
Right now?

She nods.

STAN:
Oh, no. No, no, no. Not in front of everyone.

He stands and helps her up.

STAN:
We'll go outside where it's-

MEPHESTO:
*off screen*
Quick, Kevin! Hit her with the tranquilizer dart!

The two turn around just as a large dart flies out of nowhere and strikes one of CLARABELLA's swollen breasts. It explodes into a bloody milky mess with such a force that she flies backwards and crashes into the band's drum kit, thereby halting the music.

KYLE:
Holy shit, dude!

CLARABELLA, impaled on a cymbal stand, gives one last pleading look to STAN before going limp. STAN, covered in milk and gore, just stares absolutely horrified. Several kids start crying. CARTMAN runs up to the mess on stage, tosses a bowl of cereal to the floor, and falls to his knees.

CARTMAN:
*crying*
No! Nooooo! That was supposed to be my milk! Why have you taken it from me?! How will I eat my Lucky Charms now?! God dammit!

MEPHESTO comes up beside STAN.

MEPHESTO:
It's probably for the better this way. She would have lived a hard life of being neither cow nor human, rejected by both. Accepted by none. I tried to play god and I failed.

STAN still stares at CLARABELLA, horrified.

MEPHESTO:
All I can do now is work to save those cows that are still alive.

CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - DAY
KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY, in their normal attire, are playing with trucks.

KYLE:
I'm so glad that whole retarded naked thing is over with.

KENNY:
[At least we got some good spank material out of it.]

KYLE:
Who would we be spanking?

KENNY laughs.

CARTMAN:
I can die a happy man knowing that I managed to beat your bitch girlfriend in a snowball fight AND got an embarrassing photo of the both of you!

He laughs.

KYLE:
You just got lucky.

CARTMAN:
Also, you ate my pee.

KYLE:
*flatly*
Don't remind me.

STAN approaches with his hands in his pockets.

STAN:
Hey.

KYLE:
Hey, dude.

STAN:
Kyle, you got a second?

KYLE:
Sure.

KYLE gets up and walks away with STAN. KENNY looks at CARTMAN.

CARTMAN:
What?

KENNY doesn't break the stare.

CARTMAN:
Oh, no. I'm not fallin' for that. It's not my fault that little monkey can't aim for shit.

KENNY slowly shakes his head.

CARTMAN:
I'm seriously, Kenny!

Meanwhile, STAN has led KYLE out of earshot from the other two.

KYLE:
You alright, dude?

STAN:
I just can't stop thinking about what she said to me, Kyle.

KYLE:
What about?

STAN:
She called me "the one outside time".

KYLE raises his eyebrows in shock.

KYLE:
"The one outside time?"

STAN:
Yeah, and that I'd lead all cows to their deaths.

KYLE:
But you haven't killed any cows.

STAN:
But she was near me when she died.

KYLE:
Yeah, but you can't take the blame for that, dude.

STAN:
Dude, cows have been exploding every day for several weeks now. What if I'm somehow responsible?

KYLE:
You're not responsible for killing cows, so don't even think that you are.

STAN:
Yeah, but...

KYLE:
Dude, stop it. Just stop it. How does your existence make them explode anyway?

There is an awkward silence.

STAN:
Yeah, you're right. It is kind of stupid now that I think about it...

KYLE:
See? C'mon, dude. Let's go get some root beer and fifty cent wings at Raisins.

CARTMAN:
*off screen, shouting*
Oh, hell yeah! Fifty cent wings! Even you can afford that, Kenny!

There is a thud.

CARTMAN:
*off screen*
Ow! God dammit, you poor piece of crap!

STAN smiles sadly at KYLE and nods before walking off towards the others. KYLE, on the other hand, adopts a puzzled expression.

KYLE:
*hushed*
"The one outside time?" I wonder if that has anything to do...with our...

He shakes his head.

KYLE:
*cont'd*
Nah. Can't be. It's just a coincidence.

CARTMAN:
*off screen*
C'mon, Jew! Or we're leaving you here!

KYLE runs off.

KYLE:
And let you eat all the wings? Think again, fat ass!