It was difficult to remember how it had begun. Or how any of it had begun.

Yuui could simply hear the voice in his head: 'You can talk to me about anything.'

It had been this voice that had lured him, like a light in the darkness, the small, strange and vulnerable fish towards the angler fish, pointed teeth poised, waiting…

A hand taken, a tear brushed away. It was a natural progression. There had never been anything wrong between them. This is where Yuui's mind never felt safe wandering. Now he was older, now he was nearly 17, he could see there was nothing innocent about it at all. And he was unsure how aging less than 4 years had made his senses any sharper.

'Yuui, there's nothing wrong with you,' he had been reassured.

Being held. 'You're a wonderful person who doesn't deserve this.'

This hadn't been anything in particular. Just a gnawing feeling. It was cutting into his stomach, stabbing him. There was something not quite right about him. Him as a person. When he looked towards his hands he felt that they were different to everyone else's, even his identical twin's. He was a changed being, something that didn't belong. Maybe something had been twisted ever since the car crash – he felt that more acutely with every year he grew. Running his fingers along the scars in his legs, he wondered if something had been cut or drained from him. Nothing, no reasons, no descriptions could come to mind when he thought about it. His feelings were a closed door even to himself. When trying to figure it out, the answer came – there was nothing wrong. Something wrong but it couldn't be revealed.

This mental alienation turned him into prey.

The guidance teacher had taken the child's emotions, put them into a basket, cradled the broken pieces until he boy had felt whole again. Holding him together, holding him, the distorted relationship between the young pupil and the teacher began to fix something that had been broken.

Fai had never known. Yuui had never told him. Yuui had never told him that he felt strange in the first place. If he never told Fai then Fai would have nothing to worry about. He would only see the result – the new Yuui. Fixed, whole, a part of something he had never felt connected to before.

The teacher would take him to the park and he could talk to him for ages about anything that came to mind: his brother's fears, his alcoholic uncle, sometimes abusive, his feelings, his memories. Red kites and Japanese boys on swings. He told him everything, words spilling from his soul, purifying himself.

The only thing the teacher needed to give him back was support. His complete reassurance and kindness. The care that set Yuui's heart and mind in place.

The trust he had in Mr. Scott was to be his undoing. An offer given and accepted.

The man had asked, on a warm and breezy spring evening after school, if Yuui fancied some cake. Not doubting him for a second, the boy said yes, blushing even. As if he didn't want to be a nuisance. He had even been told it wasn't in town, it wasn't outside but inside the teacher's home, and still he agreed.

What had always puzzled Yuui now that he was older was that he had been given the cake. Mr. Scott hadn't needed to give him the cake first because he was already through his door. But he did.

***

Yuui remembered very little coherently. Perhaps that was a good thing.

The cake was perhaps the most vivid thing – plain but very moist and with good cream. It was a bit trivial but … well… that can't be helped. Yuui wondered what his words were. It'd answer a few more questions than the cake would, but at least he knew the general outline: Ashura, as he called him, wanted Yuui to do something for him.

A confused blink and that was all that was left of Yuui's innocence.

The hand had clamped over his mouth before he'd even realised the reason to scream.

He couldn't breathe.

His own hands, uncertainly human, couldn't see. If he scratched at the arm clamping his lips shut, pulling him closer to peril, would he escape? Or was it better to try grabbing the hand snatching at his clothes?

In animation, his legs kicked, arms tugged desperately as the carpet beneath him moved.

Like a piece of meat being dragged to the lion's den.

***

Yuui could see the wallpaper. In any time, in any place, something that he could always picture vividly was that wallpaper pattern. At first it seems plain – cream. Then blue swirls appeared before his eyes. Sometimes he traces shapes in the air.

The wallpaper was nothing real or something solid that could save him being dragged underwater. When he reached out, his hand caught nothing.

Sitting on a bus, in maths class, with his brother and Kurogane and picturing that wallpaper was like being in another world. Back then, he was in terrible pain. Not just that. Betrayed, victimised, humiliated.

***

Being in limbo. Trying to cry or scream and finding he couldn't. Trying to run, trying to escape. Wanting to escape so badly it made him sick.

He was helpless.

He was a worthless victim. Feeling pain. Feeling ill and the brutal, sickening movement against him. So desperate for everything to be over.

All he wanted was for it to end. Sobbing tears that wouldn't come.

This is what Yuui remembers.

***

'No… please…' he had whimpered, 'please … Ashura…stop.'

The hand had been removed now. As if Ashura had understood the child. As if he had known he couldn't scream anymore. Able to breathe now, he stole all the air he could just to be able to cry.

'Ashura … no… please … Ashura … can't… please… I-i want it… t-to stop, please … please stop i-i-i-it…'

***

Abandoned, discarded like useless rubbish. Like I am.

Afterwards, his face hidden, in tears.

Arms lift him up and place him on to the bed he was pressed against just before. The hands brush his hair as if he matters. It's all a twisted lie. Then Mr. Scott leaves the room, leaving Yuui crying on the bed, still half undressed.

How long was I like that for?

I felt disgusting. Something lowly, something dirty. I was filth.

I knew it myself. This was my fault. This wouldn't have happened to me if I wasn't so stupid. It still hurt.

Periodically, he would lift his face up from the sheets and peek towards the clock, realising Fai was in the world outside. He tried to fathom the time.

Once he lowered a shaking hand down to … that area… His fingers came back smattered with drops blood. Just like… He emitted a sob.

'That will happen,' he heard Ashura say.

Looking up, blinking through tears, he saw him standing in the doorway.

How long had he been watching him for?

He came over, sitting next to where Yuui still lay on the bed with his trousers and underwear down. He stroked the tears that were present from his face, transforming from beast to man.

He pulled Yuui up so that he was sitting, holding his shaking, shuddering shoulders. 'That's what will happen when two men have sex.'

Yuui looked towards him, not sure what to think. What would be the point? He wasn't able to do anything about it being a weak creature.

Ashura simply smiled, holding him and talking soothingly like a parent would. 'I don't think you've realised that you're gay. Not just yet.' He brought the child towards his chest. 'But some day someone you love with all your heart will do that to you too.'

'No,' Yuui finally whimpered.

He could feel Ashura's fingers brushing against the scars on the upper half of his leg. 'Interesting. Is this from when your parents died?'

Summoning up the strength, he pushed the English teacher off of him and moved himself over to the other end of the bed. He started pulling his clothes back into place, trying to make himself less vulnerable and less disgusting.

The man simply smiled. 'Go home, Yuui,' he said. And left the room.

***

Trembling, he opened the door. Ashura was nowhere to be seen.

Trying to act as if nothing had happened, he left the flat.

***

He washed. He washed his clothes too. Fai had thankfully left for orchestra, leaving Yuui alone. Leaving Yuui to feel the way he could in safety, hidden, for most of the night.

***

At first it was really hard to walk around school without crying or shaking. On the first day after he'd been raped he nearly broke down in his English class when Mr. Scott came in to ask the teacher for copies of a book.

He didn't even look towards Yuui or show any recognition that he was there. It was remembering who he had been less than 24 hours before that had unsettled Yuui and nearly tipped him over the edge. Remembering how he had enjoyed stealing something from him. He had become something else, something hideous with gripping arms and fingers, tentacles, multiple eyes Yuui had had no desire to see. He hadn't wanted to discover the sick pleasure in them.

He was pale, trembling and taking deep breaths to control himself by the time Ashura had left the room.

'Yuui, are you alright?' his brother had whispered to him.

He nodded, gulping, and smiled a bit more brightly than usual. 'Yeah, I'm just feeling a bit ill, that's all.'

'Maybe you should go home,' Fai said, looking worried.

'It's nearly the end of the day,' Yuui said, shining a determinedly bright smile. 'I'll be fine.'

***

'And that's what happened,' Yuui told Fai… Fai who was lost, sobbing, face in hands, covering his eyes to pretend this world, his world, was not connected to the story his brother was recounting.

'I'm sorry,' Yuui said, looking down, ashamed of making his brother look so terrible. 'I never told you anything.'

He stopped, waiting to hear if his brother would respond.

He didn't.

'You can't figure out why I went back, can you?' Yuui asked. He closed his eyes and swayed a little, to create a pause if anything else. Now the words were coming easily to him, pouring like a fountain from his pained soul.

When he opened his eyes again he stared at the light fitting. 'Do you remember that day we came home and our aunt was gone? She'd vanished.'

Fai pressed part of his hand hard against his left eye, as if he was wringing a wet cloth. 'He was so pissed so we pushed a chair against the door and stayed in our room the whole night? That was alright, we were alright then.'

'And we could still hear him throwing things about and swearing about us,' Yuui smiled, 'about how if we hadn't survived she'd never have left and he'd have money'

Fai blinked. 'Please say you didn't believe that.'

Yuui shook his head. 'Whether we were there or not, she'd still have left him. It's not like we changed everything – we stayed out of the way. Just hearing that yelling, thinking about it … I realised that … I still wasn't there… That was nearly three weeks after what happened.'

Fai looked towards him, hands clasped over mouth, and his eyebrows twitched into a worried frown.

Yuui decided to continue, to explain it as best as possible. 'It's as if I'm not part of the world, I'm just on my own. I don't know why I feel that way, I just do. And for a while now I've been trying to find something that would link me back – something that would make me feel solid and connected.' He stopped. 'You think I need help don't you?'

Fai shook his head. 'Maybe not that kind of help.'

Yuui took in a breath and went on. 'I know it sounds stupid but despite having you with me I've always felt alone, like there was a hole in me and I didn't know what to fill it with. Hearing him yell like that …it was like the hole was a canyon that had consumed me. I was nearly crying – I didn't want that.'

He looked towards his brother sincerely. 'It sounds strange but I thought I could fill the gap with things that made me feel like a real person. And no matter how disgusting or worthless it had made me, being with Mr. Scott had made me feel like a physical being. I was willing to sacrifice myself just to know what it meant to feel normal.'

***

He could picture the teacher's surprise.

The boy had turned up at his door one lunchtime, seeming like a lost ghost, and spoke words full of determination with steady, even emotion. 'I need you to do that to me again,' he had said.

It was nearly a month after that day, somewhere behind them.

The teacher was astounded. 'But why? Didn't it make you feel horrible?' he asked kindly, as if he were not to be blamed for Yuui's startling condition.

The child nodded. 'I need to feel right and I need this to happen until I do.'

'And what makes you think that?' the teacher said in a strange mix of concern and curiosity.

Yuui closed his eyes. 'When you were in me … it was like I knew somewhere that I was a body that existed and I was real. And when I was crying, I felt connected to something I'd never felt before. I need that to happen again.'

'For Fai?' the teacher asked.

The boy nodded. 'For Fai.'

The teacher picked up his pen and set it down again to look towards him. 'Have you told your brother any of this?'

'No.'

The teacher raised his eyebrows and stood up. 'You do realise that this is asking for a horrifying and soul-destroying experience more than once? Several times. That in asking for this you're only hurting yourself?'

The boy nodded.

'And that while you're trying to rebuild or renew yourself you may actually be destroying yourself?'

'That's what I want,' Yuui stated.

'And you're sure about this?' Ashura asked disbelievingly.

'Yes.' He wasn't actually, he realised now. He hadn't understood the man's logic. Perhaps he hadn't understood Yuui's own logic either.

Ashura ran a hand along Yuui's cheek and the boy stood very still as he did so, seeming to barely notice it. Like a feather floating on a lake, undisturbed and unaffected by the deep instability surrounding it.

'How sweet,' the teacher remarked. 'Turning yourself into a doll, ready to be played with …' Then sighed. 'You're going to find yourself flung across the room one day … Alright. Just for you… I'll do it.'

***

Yuui smiled briefly, sweetly, sadly. 'I'm sorry that I lied, that I pretended to be happy. It was something that wasn't my choice at the time and it just continued. It became too easy to lie. I enjoyed being two people. And having control. And I'd like to apologise to Kurogane too because he obviously hates me for it and … that's…' He stopped there and started crying for the first time in over an hour. It must be tearing him apart that what he'd made himself back then is tearing him away from the person he's falling in love with, that one person who could save him, Fai thought pityingly. Later. When he was able to think straight.

Right then, unable to think, Fai jumped up and wrapped his arms around his brother, taking on everything, shouldering everything within Yuui. Holding him and feeling the mixed emotions of fear, pointlessness, hopelessness, forlornness seeping through his clothes into his skin, he felt strangely connected to his twin but at the same time detached. Despite this, despite the sickening tale, the shock he'd felt in hearing those words, the tears he'd shed, the pain he'd felt, he still held onto his brother. Because he loved him dearly and it made no difference what had happened between him and the older man.

Fai would support him for as long as he could.

***
Note: While I was trying to send this to my friend to preview I almost sent it to a homophobic Catholic boy lol he's starting to read Tsubasa but can't say we'll convert him to Kurofye any time soon.
I'm beginning to realise 'Fish and Chips' is a bit of an absurd title given the subject matter haha. Please enjoy and review!