Eridan scowled at his phone as he arrived back in his room, his mood piss-poor with a bit of bad news. He had gotten a text from his most recent model-and-lay, and he was none too pleased.
He stopped off in the bathroom to wash his face, and spied three sticky notes on the bathroom mirror, taped one after the other, that read in Sollux's hand: "Douchebag: a device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons, or the stream of water itself."
Eridan's eye twitched, and he had enough. He peeled the sticky-notes away and went back to his own room, finding a Zippo lighter and heading outside. He was barely in the lobby when he heard an instant message chime from his phone. Kanaya. Well, that's good, at least.
Are You Available
He answered her just inside the dormitory door.
hey kan howws it goin
Outside, he heard the return chime. He checked his phone and answered before getting to work.
Women Are Entirely Too Complex
sounds like theres a story there
wwhats goin on
He ignited the offending paper and let most of it burn, blowing it out when there was only a little sticky corner left. He was returning to his room when he heard an instant message chime from his phone.
Women Woes
Shall We Sink Our Fangs Together Into Said Woes Or Shall I Bleed Out my Anguish Upon More Private Pages
Eridan carefully placed the char-edged remainder of the sticky note back on the bathroom mirror, and returned to his computer to answer Kanaya.
you been hittin the vvampire fics again aint you
but go ahead im listenin
sounds like you got some real shit goin on
I Will Have You Know They Are A Most Entertaining Read
Not So Much The Lady Whose Attention I Had Tried To Attract And Hold For A Fortnight
So Many Chapters And Volumes I Decided That Book Must Be Shelved Posthaste
you mean that chick you wwas moonin over
shit kan im sorry
In So Many Words Yes
I Am Gracious For Your Sympathy
This Is A Difficult Thing To Deal With
Its Hard And No One Understands
How Are You Faring
honestly it could be better
in a pretty fuckin awwful mood right now
Oh I Am Sorry To Hear It
Spin Me Your Tale And I Will Listen With Utmost Sympathy
Good ol' Kanaya, always willing to lend an ear, always willing to inflict advice upon others, a friend and a confidant at the same time, even when she had her own troubles.
And Also Tell You What You Did Wrong
…Yep. Good ol' Kanaya.
yeah
that guy i wwas tellin you about before
the hot one wwith the shoulders
yeah he texted sayin he aint up for another go
Well Fuck
I Must Say That Is A Really Undesirable Situation
This Semester So Far Is Not Only Underwhelming But Greatly Disappointing
seemed like a good fit too
hot guy likes gettin bossed around
responds wwell to talkin
but no dice
just no thanks an thats it
Did He Seem Embarrassed At All By Your Invitation
he seemed kinda off but i figured that wwas just him bein flustered at gettin laid so easy
It Seems To Me That You Tend To Come On Very Strongly
You Appear Overly Eager At Times As Well
okay yeah maybe
but he wwas into it i swear
I Gathered
You Are Desperate But Not A Rapist
swweatin like somethin you wwouldnt evven imagine
an yeah that wwas kind a gross
but evvery indication wwas that he wwas game
fuck there wwasnt any real coercion or anythin just me talkin an suggestin
In The Heat Of The Moment We Tend To Say Things We Might Not Necessarily Mean
The Same Could Be Said Of This Gentleman
guess youre right
but i swwear if i thought for a hot second that he wwasnt wwantin it like i wwas i nevver wwould a
Perhaps There Is The Chance That He Might Not Bat For Your Particular Team
He Might Have Been Experimenting
Many Use Their College Years To Do So
possible i guess
just
fuck
you know
What
it just sucks
wwe both deservve to get laid proper an regular
i mean pardon the speculation at my end but youre probably a hoot an a holler in the sack
an i dont exactly get any complaints
I Appreciate The Compliment
Were I Interested In Men At All I Would Give You The Proper Consideration Before Letting You Know I Was Not Interested In Your Advances
i knoww better than to make a pass at you kan
but failin that i think i knoww wwhat wwe both need
an need badly
My Sexual Desires Can Be Equated To The Thirst Of A Camel
You However Seem To Be Steadily Losing Your Higher Brain Functions After A Mere Four Days Of Remaining Unquenched
theres layers a difference betwween disappointment an stupidity
but wwhat im suggestin is booze
wwe need booze
copious amounts a booze
That Is A Fine Suggestion
One That I Would Be Willing To Face Expulsion For
wwell
booze an fef
Absolutely
maybe kar wwould be wwillin to join in too
wwe need a neww vvenue though
Feferi And I Will Make A Note Of Such
Also She Greets You From Our Dorm
the bleachers been taken ovver by a pack a potheads i noticed
an you knoww theyll come dowwn on us if things get boisterous
hey fef
uh
she dont need to knoww too much about the state a my sex life okay
awwkwward
I Promise I Will Keep This Between Ourselves And The Screen
No Point In Getting My Hands Dirty With This
i can handle the fetchin if you twwo can figure out a neww spot
Like Ive Said Before We Shall
just makin sure wwere on the same page
ill get your usual favvorites
i knoww howw you like a selection
I Would Take Great Pleasure In That
aces
howws tomorroww sound
I Am Certainly Looking Forward To It
Feferi Is As Well
looks like im makin a booze run
an thanks for listenin
Youre Welcome
Try To Refrain From Any Rash Decisions Anytime Soon
As A Personal Favor To Me
cant promise that kan but i promise ill try
Its The Most I Can Hope For
Eridan signed off, grabbing his keys and putting them in his pocket, where he found his lighter. Oh, right…well, Sollux wanted to escalate things? Fine. Two could play at that game. Eridan did a quick Google search and printed out the Wikipedia page on Bipolar Disorder and carefully taped it to the bathroom mirror above Sollux's sink. He then checked his wallet and grabbed a fold-up rolling cart and a cardboard office supplies box that would fit inside it, and left for the liquor store.
He returned a good while later, dragging the cart full of clandestine libations behind him. The campus was dry; technically speaking anyone caught with liquor or the like on their person could be expelled, although this was rarely enforced. No one was really investigated unless they proved disruptive, but Eridan supposed it only seemed proper to be appropriately sneaky about his goings-on. He opened the box and surveyed the haul, enough for a few good drinking sessions, and he'd get ice the following afternoon.
He stripped his shirt and scarf and went to the bathroom to shower, finding the printed jab he had left for Sollux had been moved to the mirror above his sink, "WIKIPEDIA IS NOT A CREDIBLE SOURCE" scrawled in bright red marker across it.
Eridan couldn't help but laugh.