I have a million things to do in this next section, so I'm going to write it all out in a long marathon and then chop it into smaller chapters. There will be some zany guest stars coming up and I'll credit them at THE END of the chapter so that I don't give the game away. I mean, they're like crossover characters, but I don't want to list it as a crossover. They're here to amuse me, and hopefully you. I feel like I didn't do a good enough job on this chapter, but I had to get from Point A to Point B.
Cherry followed the pounding hooves into the woods, scanning the mist covered undergrowth for signs of the wayward ninja. Her stomach bubbled and she wondered if she was morally obligated to purge or to allow her body to digest her friend's tongue. Neither option seemed decent.
"Leo!" she shouted and her voice echoed over the rumbling of the deer herd. Then she shook her head. Leo couldn't even answer.
The sun cast a golden shadow through the hovering mist and clouded the tree line ahead like a mirage. All she could see were the mingling black outlines of deer leaping into the distance past the young trees.
The undergrowth thinned into dry sparse grass and sloped down a hill that led to a black rippling lake. There was no shore besides a steep bank worn away to jutting tree roots dipping into the calm water. A dragonfly buzzed past as Cherry looked into the golden reflection of the thin trees and thought it would be a perfect place to clean off the blood covering Leonardo so that she didn't keep nearly passing out every time she looked at him. She wondered if he'd climbed a tree to get away from them and glanced up at the swaying and creaking tree tops, concluding that they weren't strong enough to support his weight.
The deer herd rushed past the bank of the lake and a few deer stumbled on tree roots, nearly falling in. Then she wondered if Leonardo had set Sakura loose into the herd. Which seemed slightly cruel since she would still die because she had no mother to feed her.
But she still couldn't see Leonardo. She sighed and shrugged at the shadowy lake, as if it could read her frustration. Then a dark shape moved in the middle of the water, sending ripples in every direction and Cherry shouted with surprise. At first all she could see was a pair of brown eyes, watching her from the middle of the water. She blinked again and realized that Leonardo had been in the middle of the lake, standing perfectly still the entire time, his body blending in with the green mossy lake bottom. "You just took a few years off of my life, precious!" she said, as she kicked off her shoes and waded into the water.
"Ouch, ouch, ouch," she said as rough stones poked the soft bottoms of her feet and slimy mud slid between her vulnerable toes. "Yuck."
Leonardo waded back out of the lake, watery blood dripping down his forearms and legs. He sat soaking wet on the bank and then grabbed his gear from against a damp tree. Cherry sat next to him and a shiver of disgust ran through her body. She had no right to talk to him, let alone sit near him after what happened. And touching him was out of the question.
She sat quivering next to him, aware of his pained eyes watching her. Leonardo grabbed his equipment, his swords dangling dangerously as if about to fall out of their holsters and moved further down the bank, away from her.
"Do you need help?" she asked faintly and then knelt down at the lake's edge to wash the blood she had suddenly noticed off her hands. Her reflection looked pale and blood smeared around her mouth like a vampire. She reached down for a handful of water and splashed her face and neck, letting her shirt get wet. "I need to get make up. I look like a ghoul. Do you need help?" she asked again, not daring to look at him as she dried her face on the bottom half of her shirt.
But she felt Leonardo crouch next to her and hold out a packet of instruments bound in a blue canvas pouch and offered her a needle and thick plastic thread.
"Do you want me to thread this?" she asked him, searching his face for a sign of communication.
He looked passively over the lake and sighed at the herd of deer crashing into the distance, his face hard with repressed pain. Little Sakura nuzzled his thigh.
She used trembling wet fingers to thread the needle and handed it back to him, then looped her arms around his bicep, leaning against his shoulder while he sewed up his own gashes on his forearms. "Don't poke out my eyeballs," she said as she felt the thread being pulled through his skin and back into the air.
Leonardo sighed.
Eventually, Mikey wandered out into the forest and demanded that they get back in the van and head back to civilization. "Stop sitting out here moping," Mike said gently, putting a hand on Leonardo's free shoulder. "I get that this sucks major Kluh-sized balls, but we need to get moving. I know that Don is headed over here and he needs to take a look at you." He inspected his brother's stitching and told him that he got a gold star for straight lines.
Cherry pursed up her lips and said, "I don't think it's a great time to joke about what happened to him."
"Well, is it a better time to brood and cry and scream? Will that help?" Mike snapped and then blinked a few times. "Sorry, I'm used to so much drama and stuff. Somebody needs to be the guy who doesn't break down all the time."
Leonardo nodded and then slugged Mikey in the arm.
"It's my burden!" Mikey said and stood up. "Let's get going then."
Cherry followed the two of them with Sakura kicking in her arms, listening to Mike's jokes and rolling her eyes.
They found a gas station in the middle of the trees with only one ancient pump and a sign out front with half the letters missing, relating the prices of milk and eggs from the 80's, or at least from a time period with greater rates of inflation.
Leonardo and Mikey got dressed in baggy sweats and jeans that lay crammed in boxes in the back of the van and followed Cherry into the convenience store. Mikey immediately went to the potato chips and said, "We need sustenance!"
Cherry followed Leonardo to the medical supplies and tried to hold on to his fingers. He slid his finger tips against her palm before withdrawing his hands into his pockets. "Do you need pain medication? What am I saying? Of course you do!" She picked up a bottle of Tylennol and Leonardo shook his head and pointed at a bottle of Ibuprofen. She read the expiration dates on the bottles and wondered if she could ask for a discount based on the narrow timeframe of usability on the btottles.
She noticed several brands of condoms nearby and said, "Glow in the dark condoms? I bet that's the same company that made my glow in the dark thong!"
Leonardo looked at the boxes of condoms and then made a rather dramatic gesture and covered his face with his hands.
Cherry giggled at the affectation and said, "You might not fit those. You're a beast..."
He put his chin in the air proudly and shrugged.
"Hey, guys! I got all kinds of food for the road. I need to get more junk to clean your wounds. What do we get to clean a severed tongue?" Mikey asked as he poked randomly at the dusty medical supplies on the shelf.
A man stood in front of the magazine rack reading a Penthouse magazine. He wore a brown coat over a red and black Spandex bodysuit, like a superhero in a comic book. Cherry wondered if he was a cosplayer that had gotten lost on his way to a convention. He said, "What do you do for a severed tongue? I usually use super glue until it fixes itself. Oops, did I just say that out loud?" She couldn't see his mouth move because his head was covered with a matching red and black hood white cloth eye sockets that popped out as he shifted his face under the material. A pair of katanas strapped to his back caught on a rack of dish drainers and they clattered on the floor. Other items bulged unseen under his coat. Cherry glanced at the front counter for a clerk to report the possible shoplifter.
Leonardo glared suspiciously at the katanas and rolled his eyes.
The comic book wannabe pointed a red gloved hand at Cherry and said, "Hey, aren't you in last Spring's issue, babe? You look familiar."
"No! I don't do porn!" Cherry said, taking a step backwards as he flashed the magazine centerfold at them.
Mikey said, "Dude..." as the naked woman's anatomy flashed in front of his eyes.
Leonardo put his hands on his hips and glowered, unable to lecture.
The comic book wannabe said, "Are you headed to the Temple of Eros for the competition? You have that shits-honor look. You're headed up that way right? Could you give me a ride? Mine just bailed on me. Damn Hydra Bob! Just because I let him get taken prisoner by that crazed AcidFace guy! He took our hover craft from the future and went back to report on me to Hydra. Well, I hope a zombie eats him! That ungrateful turd!" He pulled a cellphone out of his coat and poked at the screen. "Come on, Hydra Bob! Tell me you didn't get eaten by zombies, little buddy!"
Mikey said, "Sure, if you'll pitch in for gas. I got plenty of food!" He held up six plastic bags full of groceries. "They're getting the medical supplies. I'll show you to our transport. What's your name?"
"Wade Wilson. Are you an alien or a Hydra experiment or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?" Wade asked as he looked Leo and Mike over.
Cherry scoffed. "Obviously they're aliens. I don't know what the fuck you just called them."
"You can sit with me, Princess," Wade said as he left with Mikey and headed outside towards the van.
Leonardo shook his head and then facepalmed dramatically.
"Don't worry. I'll protect you," Cherry said.
An older man with a small dried up face like a raisin shuffled out from behind the counter and said, "How are you doing, kids? You better make up your minds before we close. I got to get home to take my son to his methadone treatment." He scratched his ear and flakes of dandruff rained onto his shoulder. "Why are you looking at condoms, boy?" The clerk addressed Cherry's breasts and said, "You're with that big fella looking for the Eros competition right? Not this boy here." The store clerk tried to peer under Leonardo's hood at his green skin and said, "Looks like he's already caught something that you don't want to catch."
Leonardo grabbed a bottle of Ibuprofen and headed to the counter, watching the ground, his hands in his pockets. The store clerk rang him up and Leonardo practically threw the money on the counter. He gestured hurriedly at Cherry to follow him.
"Just a second, precious," she said to Leonardo, glaring at the store clerk and his condescending head covered in disgusting dandruff. "I'll be right there. I have to get some girlie things."
It wasn't a lie. She didn't have any tampons in her backpack and didn't want to be caught unawares in a car full of armed men. Cherry hurriedly grabbed a pack of tampons that had been sitting on the shelf for fifteen years and then went back to the store clerk. She asked, "Could you point out your biggest condoms? I don't think the ones on your shelf will fit my boyfriend. You know the guy in the hoodie?"
The clerk blinked slowly and then shuffled back to the contraceptive aisle. "This is all we got, miss. He needs big ones? They stretch as big as your leg, you know. How big could he need?" He picked up a condom box and read the label.
"None of these are big enough. He breaks through them like tissue paper. Do you have any flavored ones? Or black ones? These are all so boring. Don't you have any lube?" And to prove her point to the utmost, she bought at least ten packets of condoms in various flavors, the biggest size she could find and three different bottles of lubricant. She put the tampons on the top of the bag and then went out to the van, tossing it under one of the seats, instantly forgetting about it.
Sakura whined in the back of the van next to Wade Wilson and Cherry grabbed her, sitting her on her lap. "Hey, you stopped crying. You do like me!" Cherry said.
Wade asked, "So what's with Bambi? That's our dinner right? There's not enough meat on that thing to make a chimichanga."
Leonardo whipped around in his seat to glare at Wade, his face full of animated loathing and then shook his head furiously.
"Okay, whatever. I'll be happy with my chips. Don't worry, Bambi. You're safe with Deadpool. Just head that way," Deadpool said as he pointed out the front of the van between Mikey in the driver's seat and Leonardo, the passenger.
Mikey looked at Deadpool's hand and said, "What are you pointing at, dude? That's a tree."
"I'm pointing as the crow flies. Don't you have guns on this thing so you can mow through trees that get in the way? Fine. Just go left then." Deadpool unzipped his coat, revealing a utility belt full of machine guns and grenades.
Cherry tried not to stare at Wade's ammunition, thinking it might seem rude. "So, Wade. What do you do for a living?" she asked.
Wade pulled out a grenade and rattled the pin at Sakura. "Funny. Don't babies like it when you rattle things at them? Maybe it's deaf. I'm a mercenary and all around badass. I'm also an Avenger in my spare time. They always have me on call, but I've had to tell Nick Fury to stop calling me, begging pathetically for my help. I have more important things to do."
"Really?" Mikey asked as he steered with one hand and ate potato chips with the other. He offered the bag to Leonardo, who shook his head no and looked out the passenger window. "That's so cool, Deadpool. I can't believe that we just met an Avenger! Can you get Black Widow's autograph for me?"
They drove for twenty minutes listening to Wade yammering about his incredible life with the Avengers. Cherry wondered why most of his stories revolved around Deadpool following Avengers while they tried to either kill him or out run him. Leonardo rolled his eyes so much at Deadpool's stories that she wondered if his eyeballs would get stuck up in his head.
"STOP!" Deadpool shouted randomly as they drove peacefully along the starlit road, the night breeze blowing Cherry's hair across her face. "That's it!"
Mikey stomped on the brake pedal and Cherry flew forward into the back Leonardo's seat. Mikey said, "Where's what? We're in the middle of the highway!"
Deadpool zipped up his jacket and said, "Okay, let's get going. I have to hurry and get Eros' prizes so I can be back home before Blind Al takes advantage of my absence and cancels the Playboy Channel again."
After several minutes sorting the remaining bags of food that Mikey had bought, they stood next to the van and waited while Leonardo set up a new phone that Mikey had bought him at the gas station. "That's touching, thinking of your brother like that," Deadpool said. "Now hurry up!"
Cherry put on her backpack and then held Sakura, waiting for Leonardo to finish searching the van for remaining food.
"Not to rush you, dude, but I need to go back to look for Hal Barton, you know," Mikey said as he held the van door open for his brother, as he leaned inside, searching the back of the van.
Leonardo gasped loudly and dropped a plastic bag on the highway pavement, spilling out bottles of lubricant and packets of condoms. He hurriedly packed them all back in the bag and offered it to Mikey.
"What? I didn't buy those! Take them with you! April will kill me if I come home with a bag full of sex junk. She hated it when I left a Taco Bell wrapper in here." Mikey slammed the van door shut.
Leonardo held the bag uncertainly and then grabbed Cherry by the shoulders.
Deadpool said, "Hey, blondie, thanks for thinking ahead and being prepared. I appreciate that."
"I got them for Leo!" she hissed and then bit her bottom lip awkwardly.
Leonardo's eyes widened and he turned her around and unzipped her backpack. She heard her homework crunching as he jammed the plastic back on top and then zipped it shut.
Mikey grabbed Leonardo's arm and said, "Okay, I know it might be the end of the world, but dying a virgin isn't the worst that could happen." He gave Leonardo a manly hug and said, "Don't do anything that I wouldn't do. I know that doesn't rule much out. Wade, uh... see ya... Don't piss my brother off or he'll like... kill you... okay?"
Leonardo pulled out his phone and typed rapidly.
Cherry's phone instantly beeped and she pulled it out. She read: condoms?
"I was a Girl Scout. They teach us to always be prepared. We might need to make balloon animals later."
He rolled his eyes and sent another text that read: wade is crazy be careful.
She watched Wade play hackey sack with a grenade and she took a few steps away from him, towards the grassy ditch. "I noticed, precious..." she muttered.
Then another text: you ate my tongue why? Are you sick now?
She stared at the screen for a few seconds and didn't move or answer. Eventually, she shook her head no.
Leonardo looked at the pavement and then gestured for Sakura, opening his arms for her. Cherry passed her over and Sakura's thin legs stopped twitching with anxiety as soon as she was safely against his chest and happily wiggled her tail, shaking half of her tiny body.
"Let's go already!" Wade said, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation. The grenade flew a foot in the air and he caught it in his hand. "Whoops. Where do you think you're going?" He tucked it back on his utility belt. He bowed and waved ahead of himself as if presenting Cherry at court for the Queen of England. "Ladies first!" he said.
Cherry grabbed a long branch from the ditch and tried to twist off a stray branch. Leonardo plucked the half dead twig off the side with ease and ushered her ahead. "Okay, thanks," she said, flattered at the dual displays of chivalry.
They walked for half an hour and Cherry tried to think positive thoughts about the exercise and to block out Wade's incessant talking. She felt sorry for Leonardo, unable to interrupt or interject common sense into the discussion. Cherry pretended she was a great anthropologist in a jungle in South America and that they might be attacked at any moment by a boa constrictor and then replayed Ka singing in The Jungle Book in her head. Finally, she asked, "Am I even going the right way?"
"You're going fine. If you go off course, I'll grab you to let you know," Deadpool said from directly behind her.
Cherry heard some brush rustling suddenly and a loud thump.
"Your green boyfriend just told me that I'll say it out loud instead of grabbing you," Wade said again, still directly behind her.
"Why are you guys behind me? Can't you come up here and walk level?" she asked, now trying to remember all the words to Welcome to the Jungle. A bat fluttered in the treetops overhead in the darkness and she gripped her walking stick more fiercely, making sure to rattle the brush loudly as she passed through to scare away bugs and animals.
Deadpool said, "We can enjoy the scenery better from back here."
Cherry shrugged and after only a few more minutes enduring Wade listing the number of times his head had been blown up in a microwave, the trees thinned and then disappeared, ending in a grassy clearing.
A dark building with sharp upward sloping corners stood at the far end of a park, full of flowering trees, throwing a thick fall carpet of red leaves over the green grass. A dirt path lined with row upon row of tiny bowing stone statues of smiling men covered in patches of moss led to the structure over the slight hill. Steam rose off a small hot spring lake with a simple wooden bridge linking the two stone banks.
As Cherry struggled to make out the square building on the top of the hill, surrounded by red trees and lit by dim round lanterns of varying bright colors, the massive herd of deer that they had spotted earlier pounded out of the tree line and filled the clearing. The deer slowed down and stopped, some eating grass, others lying down. Others wandered idly. Cherry heard even more deer in woods, trampling and running through the underbrush.
"What the fuck?!" Wade cried, his voice erupting obnoxiously in the peace of the colorful valley. Half of the deer herd turned to look at him, half poised to run from the loud threat. "We just walked through The Blair Witch Project and came out in that scene in Kill Bill where Lucy Lui gets her head chopped off. There's way more blood when somebody cuts the top of your skull off."
Leonardo stepped out of the trees and stared with wide eyes at the winding path of statues, leading towards the mysterious building, his face easing. He knelt down low and inspected one of the statues.
"Are these little Buddha statues or gods or something? I feel like we just teleported to Japan. What are we even doing here?" Cherry suddenly exploded at Leonardo, an uneasy bubble forming in her chest. "We don't have time for a spiritual retreat! I need to just figure this out on my own! Why don't you call me on your new phone when you're done!" Cherry turned to leave and Leonardo grabbed her wrist, then shook his head no, his face now intense with dissatisfaction.
"This is all your fault, Leonardo!" Deadpool said, waving a serrated knife at Leonardo as if he were a naughty child. "You got us lost! You should have just let me blast a route through the trees."
Cherry ignored the arguing and they walked up the path towards the building, Cherry and Leonardo silent, Deadpool railing at Leonardo's poor sense of direction, even though he had been the one giving them directions.
A warm vapor lifted off the hot spring lake as they crossed the bridge, their footsteps making a dull sound in the still night. Sakura sniffed the mellow air and sneezed. Leonardo laughed, rubbing her tiny head.
Deadpool said, "Now let me do the talking. I don't know why you two wanted to come along since it's obvious that I'm going to win a contest based on my oral skills. Although maybe you could keep up, sexy. I'm winking suggestively under my hood, by the way."
Leonardo scratched his head with confusion and then pointed at himself.
"That's a whole other book, pal," Deadpool said as he swatted at a moth as it were a buzzing bee. I wouldn't be so eager to get friendly with that girl if I were you. You know Connie Nervegas always kills you horribly every time you get laid in one of her stories. But then again maybe getting your tongue counts as some kind of foreshadowing for a future fuck. Like paying in advance."
Leonardo shook his head and then let go of Cherry's head to pull out his phone. He typed for a second.
Cherry's phone beeped with a text: who is connie nervegas? do you know her? oral contest? :( i can't talk. But i'll try my best if it saves everybody. i feel like i've been here before. why do you have better oral skills than me? i give lots of speeches at home! stupid wade
"Maybe she's another cosplayer. And he meant..." Cherry looked into Leonardo's pouting face, one of his hands distractedly holding his pained throat. "I'll tell you later."
Cherry fell back behind Leonardo, who calmly headed towards the dark pagoda as if he were heading to his childhood home. Stone animals snarled down from the corners of the roof and she stopped to smell some flowers draped over a small stone statue of a seated figure. Every inch of the exterior shined through the darkness with bright red and yellow paint. A small woman draped in an orange robe bowed in the doorway and asked, "Are you the champions?"
Leonardo stood back and looked at Cherry, biting his lip and furrowing his brow.
Deadpool said, "Well, I'm not a hero, but I'll gladly compete in your little jousting match. So what do we win? Money? Women? Women with money?"
"You will receive a gift that will help all life in the universe," the small woman said, smiling kindly at Wade.
"Guns?" Deadpool asked.
"He's a champion," Cherry said, pointing at Leonardo. "I speak for him because he can't talk, so if you have any business with him, tell it to me."
The woman glared at Cherry and then said to Leonardo, "No one has before dared to bring one of the dark vessels here. Come inside and we will begin."
Leonardo made a drinking gesture and then pointed down at Sakura, whose head lay against his chest, sleeping. The woman said, "Oh, this one is very young. Does it need milk? We have supplies for feeding the little ones in our own herd. Come with us and we will help you." Leonardo and the woman went inside, disappearing into the shadowy interior, spicy incense drifting after them.
Deadpool followed the woman inside, demanding venison tacos. Cherry lingered outside, reluctant to follow.
So I only got to Deadpool here. I'll have another one coming up in the next chapter. I feel like this should be marked as a crossover, but I don't know how really. Because he's just a guest start to amuse myself.