A/N: Thank you to everyone reading, reviewing and alerting. I love that you're enjoying this story.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
Chapter 10 - The Dream
I can feel the warmth from Blaine's body. He's holding me in a protective shell with his arms, wrapping me in his strength. I remain perfectly still, not ready for Blaine to know I'm awake. I breathe in and out slowly, letting my mind replay the events of last night. My heart tightens in my chest when I picture the words written with love on the sheets of music. I can still hear Blaine's angelic voice filling my bedroom with a love lost long ago.
I have to squeeze my eyes shut to keep the tears from falling again. I'm shocked that there are any left to fall, having wept an ocean's worth onto Blaine's shirt last night until sleep mercifully took me.
I did not dream.
I mull these four words over in my head. I cannot remember the last night I did not have a dream. For years following the break-up, the dreams were relentless, sexually and emotionally charged. After reconnecting with Blaine, they have become sweeter although there is still an angst within them that causes me to wake with his name on my lips.
"Kurt, I know you're awake." Blaine's soft voice pulls me back from my thoughts.
"Sorry." I say, not sure if I mean for disturbing his sleep or for not telling him I'm awake right away or for falling asleep in his arms or for not opening his Christmas present sooner or for shattering his heart years ago. I'm guessing one simple word is not going to cover all those bases. Dammit.
I wiggle a bit in his arms, trying to move so I can see him. He understands and loosens his grip. I lift my head slowly and meet warm, amber coloured eyes still heavy with sleep. I sit up further, putting a small space between us.
Blaine immediately reaches out and brushes a few strands of my hair that have fallen over my forehead.
That simple gesture, filled with love and kindness, sets off my tears again. My face crumples as I sob heavily into my hands. I feel the bed move beneath me and then Blaine is taking me into his arms. I want to push him away. To say that I don't deserve his love. That he's being too kind, too strong, too forgiving. But I'm too weak, just like always. So I fold myself into a little ball and let him rock me gently.
"Kurt, baby, you have to stop crying." Blaine says gently. "I forgave you a long time ago."
"How...can...you...be...so...calm?" I manage to choke out between sobs.
"We can't change it Kurt." Blaine replies, a little too emotionless for my liking. I realize that his strength right now isn't coming from a place of security but rather from a place of defeat. This causes my heart to constrict again. "Honestly Kurt, think back to that December, try to remember all the feelings and thoughts that you had. Even if you had seen my song, would it have been enough? Would you have changed your mind?"
Blaine's questions hang in the air around us. I close my eyes and stop my crying. I think back to the scene I've replayed in my dreams a thousand times.
I had flown home two days early to surprise Blaine. After dropping my suitcases at home, I drove to Dalton, arriving just as Warbler practice was scheduled to end. I walked the gilded hallways to the recital room. As I approached I could hear Blaine singing softly, playing the piano beautifully. And then another voice I didn't recognize filled the air. I froze. Blaine was singing a duet with another Warbler. I listened as they sang in perfect harmony. I took a few steps forward and caught sight of them seated together on the piano bench. They paused in the song. I couldn't hear their conversation, it was murmured between them as if they were the only two people in the world. And then I heard Blaine laugh, his golden laugh, the one that I foolishly thought only I could elicit. I felt like my entire world was crashing around me. I backed away and ran to my car. Blaine never saw me.
That night I called him and broke up with him. I didn't even have the courage to do it in person. He cried and screamed and begged me to explain what had happened. He tried desperately for me to tell him what he had done wrong, already assuming that it was his fault. Always the martyr.
I never told him what I had witnessed at Dalton. I always assumed Blaine had figured it out. He knew I was calling from my parent's house in Ohio to end our relationship. I never saw him again, until that fateful day on the train.
The irony is, of course, he hadn't done anything wrong. It was all me. I had arrived home already feeling distant and cut-off from him. I hadn't maintained the schedule of Skype calls we agreed to before I left. I let school and New York run my life. I was the one who let the distance harm our relationship. And I was the one who foolishly thought he would be mopping around Dalton, pining for me. Seeing him sitting at the piano with another boy, singing and laughing, and just being Blaine, made me realize that he was just fine without me. I thought I would be just fine without him also.
I was wrong.
The dreams started almost immediately. They always began the same way, with me standing outside that room at Dalton, listening to Blaine laugh. But then my subconscious would take over and warp everything. Sometimes I would step forward and see them kissing. I would yelp and Blaine would turn to see me standing there. He would shrug his shoulders and turn back to the boy, kissing him even more passionately in front of me.
Another version had me witness their kiss and when Blaine saw me, he would approach me with large apologetic eyes. The other boy would wind his way around the back of me, purring in my ear that I was welcome to join them. Sometimes I did.
My favourite version had me step inside the room while they were still laughing. Blaine would see me as I turned to leave. I would run down the hallways and to my car. Blaine would chase me, understanding how I might have misinterpreted the scene. I would let him catch me. He would swear they were just friends and then ravish me in the parking lot. We would climb into my backseat and make love like the starved animals we were. This version of the dream always resulted with me waking up screaming his name and covered in my own cum.
I tortured myself with that particular version of the dream the most. Because honestly, that's most likely what would have happened if I hadn't been so stupid. Because Blaine hadn't been doing anything wrong. He never cheated on me. He had just been living his life. And why couldn't I have been happy for him? Happy that he could find joy in the moments that he had to be separated from me. I already know the answer. I realized it years ago. I was so self-absorbed that I could only see everything from my point of view.
Its that thought that gives me the answer to Blaine's question - it wouldn't have changed a thing.
I untangle myself from Blaine's embrace. "I'm so very sorry. You're right though, I was so focused on myself and my feelings. I wouldn't have seen the song for the beautiful confession of love and patience that it was. I would have scoffed and ignored it. I think I came home, already decided that we wouldn't survive." I reply meekly. My face is glowing hot from shame and I can't meet his eyes. I twist my hands uselessly in my lap.
Blaine sighs.
I look up then and notice the tears silently falling down his face. He looks so beautiful and yet so broken. How is it possible to be both things at the same time?
Its my turn to be strong, stronger than I've ever been. I wrap my arms around him and kiss his forehead. "You never did anything wrong. You were the perfect, loving boyfriend you had always been. I was the one who pulled away, who destroyed our relationship. I know you said you forgave me, and I appreciate that so very much. But if you feel like we can't be together now..." I have to stop and catch my breath, swallowing my tears because its not my turn to cry. "I understand."
Blaine immediately pulls back. His eyes are wild and frantic. "Is that what you want?" His voice breaks as he questions me.
"NO." I yell back and immediately grab onto him. I pepper his face with tiny kisses. "God, no. I don't ever want to let you go again. I know we can't just pretend the last four years never happened and there's lots about each other and our lives we don't know. But I want to learn it all. I want to hear about everything you've done. I want to know the man that you've become."
Blaine relaxes as my words wash over him. He cups my face and kisses me softly on the lips.
"I want all that too, Kurt. I've always wanted that." Blaine breathes each word into my ear, onto my cheek, between my lips.
He moves in closer to kiss me again. I stop him by placing my palm flat on his chest. I can feel his heart pounding against my skin.
"I have had other boyfriends. I have been with other men. But you are the only person I have ever loved. You are the only person I have ever told I love you." I watch as the significance of my words reaches his heart. The amber in his eyes melts into honey and I know he is getting lost in the sea blue ocean of my eyes.
I grasp his shirt with my hand that's still resting on his chest and pull him toward me. Our lips meet in a slow kiss. He wraps his arms around the back of my neck and pulls my face closer, opening his mouth, demanding entrance into mine. I don't deny him, I will never deny him again. Our tongues dance together inside our mouths. The rhythm is slow and sweet.
Blaine ends the kiss but doesn't pull away. Then I feel his lips hot and swollen on my neck. He trails them down to my collarbone and starts to suck gently. I tangle my hands in his dark curls and tilt my head to the side, granting him even more access to my skin. His hands fumble with the buttons on my shirt and then I feel it being pulled back and over my shoulders. He never takes his lips off my skin and combination of cool air across my chest and heat from his mouth is delicious. I break the connection for a moment as I yank his shirt over his head because I need to feel his skin against mine. He presses his chest into me and I moan in response. He is always so warm and soft yet strong at the same time. My hands roam over his tight back freely as he continues to mark my pale skin with searing red hickeys. He moves lower and sucks my nipple into his mouth while he pushes me backward, so that I'm lying down on my bed and he's straddling me. I can feel my erection pressed into his thigh and a quick glance at his crotch tells me that he is equally aroused.
He sucks my nipple and then flicks it with his tongue. My hips buck upward completely out of my control, desperately seeking friction and relief for my throbbing hard-on. One more flick with his tongue on my oversensitive nipple and then he's kissing my stomach and trailing his hands to the button on my pants. My heart rate triples as his hands tease the waistband of my pants before pulling them completely off. He smirks at me, his eyes blazing with desire when he realizes I'm not wearing underwear again. And then he literally dives between my legs. His mouth swallows me whole and I'm screaming his name. He licks and strokes and twists and pulls my cock in every delicious direction imaginable. He's using his tongue and his hands together and the stimulation is both overwhelming and not enough at exactly the same time. Blaine grabs my balls with his mouth and sucks hard while pumping my cock with his hands. I'm so close already, my stomach is tight and I can feel the fire burning deep within. He can feel it too. He moves his mouth over my erection, hallows his cheeks, sucks me in completely and then hums. My orgasm knocks the wind out of my lungs as I'm gasping for air and babbling incoherent strings of syllables, some of which resemble very dirty words. Blaine keeps his lips stretched around me until my body collapses limp onto the mattress. Then he pulls off and joins me on the bed.
Our bodies are pressed together, I can feel his erection still hard and strong inside his pants. He kisses me full on the mouth and the combination of tasting myself and him rubbing his cock along my thigh makes me want more. The blow job was fantastic, but suddenly it wasn't enough. I break our kiss and nibble his ear before speaking low and hot, "I need you inside of me". I lean back just far enough so that I can gauge his reaction. His eyes fall closed for a second and when he opens them again, they're filled with consent and yearning.
I shift Blaine so that he's lying flat on his back and procure the bottle of lube and a condom from my nightstand. I place the supplies beside his hips and then drag my nails down his chest. He hisses above me and I watch in fascination as his muscles ripple just behind my fingers, which are leaving white lines in their wake. I rip his pants and underwear off and spend a moment just admiring his gorgeous body. He doesn't flinch or try to hide, his self-confidence has always been a turn on. I lean forward and lick his cock from base to tip in appreciation.
I grab the lube and coat my fingers quickly, before Blaine's brain can catch up. Then I'm on my knees to one side of him and he watches, his breath sporadic, his cock throbbing, as I prep myself. I should probably go slow, its been a while. But watching Blaine fall apart while I'm not even touching him, makes me frantic. I'm fucking myself on three fingers before I even realize it.
"Kuuurt." Blaine whines from above and I blink rapidly, remembering that its him I want inside of me.
I slick his cock with lube and then straddle him. He props himself up on his elbows so that he can watch me impale myself on his erection. I start slowly, revelling in the slow stretch and burn from the head of his thick cock. But I can't contain myself any longer and I slam down the rest of the way.
"FUCK, Oh my God." Blaine yells and collapses backward, no longer able to hold himself up.
I really did think the first time we had sex again it would be slow and sweet and tender. But now that we're here, I want nothing more than to fuck him fast and hard and deep. So that is exactly what I do. Blaine continues to scream expletives occasionally mixing in my name and its when he moans "Kurt" that I think I've never heard a more beautiful sound.
The pace I set is rapid. He meets me thrust for thrust. I can feel my skin glowing with sweat and his olive skin looks golden as he heats up. He reaches his hand downward and wraps it securely around my cock. He pumps swiftly, never changing our pace. Its my turn to scream his name as my cum shoots out over his hand and across his chest. I can feel my muscles clench around his cock and it only takes a couple of thrusts before he's quivering beneath me.
I crash forward onto his chest, not caring that we're both sticky with sweat and cum. I need to hear his heart, to know that I caused that quickened and irregular beat. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.
"I missed you." He says softly, his voice full of contentment. He kisses the top of my head, which is resting on his chest.
I turn and kiss his chest, right above his heart. "I missed you too. Every. Single. Day."
A/N: Reviews are lovely xoxo