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Title of this chapter comes from "The New Year" by Death Cab for Cutie.
Consider the necessaries disclaimed.
Enjoy!
10. So This is the New Year
Mitchie debated calling Alex, but she wasn't sure if the same silence that had settled over them on New Year's would present itself again. While it hadn't been completely uncomfortable, it had felt thick and strange. It wasn't something Mitchie was keen to repeat every day of the spring semester. She tapped her fingers against her steering wheel, weighing the pros and cons of asking Alex to ride with her to campus.
She'd meant to call Alex the day after New Year's, but she'd been too chicken. She couldn't remember Alex's schedule, so she wasn't even sure Alex was going to campus today. All Mitchie knew was that she wanted Alex in that car with her, and that if she didn't decide soon, she'd miss her first class. She sighed, started the car and made a decision.
Driving to school alone, she realized how long the drive from the east side of town to the west side of town truly was. Forty minutes each way with Alex felt like a few short breaths, but without Alex, Mitchie wasn't sure how she would stay sane doing this four days a week.
Alex had seen Mitchie's car leaving her driveway, and the reality started to sink in: things between them might really be over. She blinked several times, looking at the spot that Mitchie's car no longer occupied. Letting go of the curtain, she walked back to her room and grabbed her keys from her desk. She needed to get to campus soon, and it looked like she'd be driving there alone.
Somehow each of them survived January's long and lonely drives to and from campus, and before they knew it, February had arrived. All of the Valentine's Day décor and the couples holding hands around campus had Mitchie cringing and Alex's heart aching. Nothing was more frustrating than the fraternity selling Cupid-Grams outside of the UC.
Three days. That's all Alex had left to endure before all of the hearts and couples would stop being so prevalent. Alex had a countdown to Valentine's Day, solely to know when relief would come. She saw the boy sitting behind the fraternity's card table outside of the UC. She hated that the UC was the only building with restaurants in it, because she couldn't avoid the Cupid-Grams.
After she had lunch, she walked back by the Cupid-Grams table. Today the boy was shouting about a special: two for the price of one. She caved. The idea that had been consuming her for a few days had finally gotten the better of her.
Alex walked up to the table, momentarily overwhelmed by all of the pinks, whites, and reds.
"Hey," the guy manning the table said. "Would you like to send a Cupid-Gram to a special someone?"
"Um, yeah." Alex readjusted her backpack; her eyes flitted over the table's offerings. "How do these get delivered?"
"Well, we need to know where the person will be between ten and eleven a.m. on Valentine's Day."
Alex bit her lower lip. "Is there any way to send one without that information?"
The guy's lips turned into a small pout. "I'm sorry. Not really."
Alex sighed and stepped back from the table. "Okay. Thanks anyway."
She walked away and took her cell phone out of her pocket. Maybe she could call Mitchie and ask her, or maybe text her. She let out a deep breath. How would that conversation even go?
She walked back to the table. "Hey. Um, if I fill one out and just take it with me and give it to the person, is that…allowed?"
The guy laughed and scratched his nose. "I don't see why not."
Alex smiled and took a pen he held out for her. "Thanks."
"We are having a special right now. You can get two for the price of one."
She shook her head. "No, it's okay. I just need one." She barely knew what she was going to write in one. She couldn't imagine coming up with enough to say in order to fill out two.
She glanced around, and then stared at the paper in front of her.
Mitchie,
Happy Valentine's Day :)
Alex
Alex drew a heart next to her name, thought it might be too much, and then scribbled it out. After she did that, she realized it looked more ridiculous. She sighed and drew another heart on the other side of her name and added below her name.
P.S. Sorry, I scribbled out the heart. I thought it would be too much, but maybe it wouldn't be. I hope you have a good day, Mitchie.
Alex wanted to say sorry, that she missed her, loved her, wanted to be with her. She picked out a red envelope and put the card inside and wrote Mitchie's name on the outside.
After paying and handing the guy his pen, she mumbled a "thanks," and walked away quickly. She looked at it for a while and then sighed. Maybe it would have been easier to just ask her in a text for her schedule.
She wasn't paying attention to where she was walking when she smacked into someone else who wasn't watching their path. Alex stumbled back, dropped her card, and immediately scrambled to get it before even looking at the other person.
As she got back to her feet, Alex wiped her knees off. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have—" Her breath caught as she looked at the other person.
"It's okay, Alex." Mitchie laughed, getting to her feet.
"Mitchie. I-I'm sorry." The words settled between them and Alex wished they made up for everything.
Mitchie smiled. "I'm sorry, too." She held up her English book. "I was the one who was too busy looking at my textbook to see you." She laughed, taking in Alex's appearance. She still looked stunning, but she was clutching a red envelope in her hands. Despite Mitchie's attempt to ignore Valentine's Day, she knew it looked like one of those stupid Cupid-Grams. "What's that?"
Alex looked at the envelope, relieved Mitchie's name was facing her and not Mitchie. "Oh, I, um, nothing."
"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It's not my business."
"No, you're okay. You can ask me anything. I just…forgot I was holding it."
Nervous laughter bubbled out of Mitchie's mouth, but she quickly covered her lips. "Why do you seem so anxious?"
"You make me nervous." Alex shrugged and ran her fingers over the edges of the envelope. She needed to mail this or hand it to Mitchie before she chickened out and tossed it in the trash.
"Is that one of those Cupid-Grams?"
Alex lifted her eyes. "Yeah. Did you get one for anyone?"
Mitchie shook her head. "I didn't really know how to get it to the person I wanted to give one to."
Alex's heart sped up. "Oh, yeah. I'm mailing this one, because I only had an address."
Mitchie felt time passing, and as much as she wanted to continue talking to Alex, she had to get to class. She reached out to grab Alex's hand, but let her hand fall before it made contact. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I have to go to class, but maybe we can talk later?"
Alex nodded. "Yeah, sure. Are you actually going to call this time?"
Mitchie's face burned and she felt her eyes widen, so she squeezed them shut. "I…I'm sorry, I've gotta go." She walked off quickly, too embarrassed to look Alex in the eye.
She'd meant to call Alex, but she'd been scared. She was certain Alex wouldn't have given her that ride if they weren't neighbors. Alex hadn't spoken to her since that night, so Mitchie couldn't figure out what she could say on the phone.
She'd typed out numerous text messages and deleted all of them. None of them were what she wanted to say, but every time she tried to figure out the words she couldn't get out, she just got more frustrated.
She sat down at a desk near the middle of the room; already wishing class would end early, she composed new messages to Alex in her head. Nothing came out any clearer than before.
While driving home, Alex was still kicking herself for her parting words. She didn't need to call Mitchie out like that, even if it hurt to keep hearing Mitchie say, "I'll call you," "I'll see you later," or "We'll talk later" when they both knew that wasn't happening. Alex sighed and decided she'd put the Cupid-Gram in Mitchie's mailbox on Valentine's Day and just for the best.
She hated how this semester was playing out. It was nothing like the one she'd envisioned. She parked in her driveway and stared at Mitchie's house. She rubbed her eyes and sighed.
She got out of her car and decided she'd focus on school for the rest of the week. It would keep her mind off Valentine's Day.
While she set up her workspace for her homework, she tried to stay focused, but twenty minutes into her assignment, she froze. What if Mitchie hadn't called because she truly didn't want to see her anymore? Not even as friends?
Mitchie might not have even had a class to go to, what if she'd made an excuse to end the conversation? Alex rested her head on the desk, sure to avoid the charcoal already on the paper. She groaned. What was she doing? She should just leave Mitchie alone, but first, she should apologize for her comment from earlier. She grabbed her cell phone and typed out a text.
Mitchie's phone vibrated while she sat in her driveway staring at Alex's front door. She was busy wondering how she could strike up conversation with Alex, while the cold slowly ate away the leftover warmth from the heater. She needed an excuse to talk to her. After seeing Alex, she hadn't stopped thinking about her, and she really missed being around her.
She stared at her phone screen for a few seconds, unsure if she was reading it correctly.
Alex: Hey, Mitchie. I'm really sorry about my comment today. It was uncalled for, and I shouldn't have said anything. I crossed a line and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry.
Mitchie put her phone in her pocket and grabbed her bag before walking into her house. She looked around, trying to decide what she could say beside 'It's okay' in response to that message. She decided she'd make cookies. She sat down and started looking up recipes.
She decided to go with no bake cookies, since she knew she was out of oatmeal. She wrote down all of the ingredients and gathered what she had. She was actually in need of several items. She exhaled and inhaled several times, trying to get up the nerve to walk across to Alex's house. She grabbed her coat and keys and the list of no bake ingredients.
Alex's ears perked up at the sound of the doorbell. It hadn't gone off since Max's visit. She walked to the door and peeked out the window. After seeing her neighbor standing there, she immediately opened the door.
"Mitchie."
"Hey.
Mitchie had a folded piece of paper in her hand, and Alex wondered if it was for her. "What's up?"
"I'm making, uh, some cookies, and I don't have a few things and I was wondering if you had any of the things that don't have a check mark?" She held the paper out for Alex.
Alex took it and tried not to smirk when she noticed that most of the list didn't have a check mark next to it. "I don't think I've got most of this, but I've got the oats."
"Cool." Mitchie licked her lips. "Would you mind if I asked for some?"
Alex, still trying to contain her giggles, nodded. "Of course." Alex motioned for her to follow her, and they walked into the kitchen.
Alex suddenly spun around to face Mitchie. "You know what? I actually had oatmeal this morning. I'm so sorry. But would want to go to the store with me? After talking about these cookies, I kind of want to make some, too. They sound good."
Mitchie laughed and relaxed a little. "Okay."
"Let me get my keys." Alex smiled and walked back to her room.
"I'll go get my wallet."
"No, it's okay. I'll pay." Alex resurfaced from her room, with her shoes on and her hands in her hand.
"You don't have to do that."
Alex shrugged. "I'd like to. Please, let me?"
Mitchie placed the shopping list in her pocket. "Sure, but only if you make the cookies with me. There's no reason for you to buy two of everything."
Relief flooded Alex's body. "Deal."
As they drove down the highway, Alex was determined to avoid any awkward silences or forced conversations. They fell into a relaxed silence and Alex couldn't resist. She had to know if Mitchie had only asked about the cookies in order to talk to her. "So, what made you want no bakes?"
Quiet laughter shook Mitchie and Alex glanced at her. "Why are you laughing?"
"Nothing. I just got a craving." Mitchie's face was so red that Alex couldn't miss it, but she didn't comment on it. The blush was all Alex needed to confirm her hunch.
"Well, I'm excited about it." Alex parked at the grocery store and smiled at Mitchie, more excited that they were doing this together than she was about the cookies.
As they walked up to the store entrance, Mitchie wanted to hold Alex's hand, but resisted. She forced herself to put her hands deep into her own pockets. Alex didn't miss this gesture, and her shoulders fell. She wished Mitchie had slipped her hand into that pocket. She missed Mitchie playing with her fingers inside her pocket. Mitchie thought about Alex's Cupid-Gram and wondered who it was for, but thought it wasn't her business, especially since Alex had avoided giving her a direct answer that morning.
"So, what are you doing for Valentine's Day?"
Mitchie jumped, but glanced at Alex. "Oh, nothing. Luckily, I don't have to work. So I don't have to see a lot of happy couples come into the theater." She rolled her eyes.
Alex laughed. "Well, that works out for you, I guess." She cleared her throat as they wandered down the baking aisle, looking for vanilla extract.
Mitchie spotted it and placed it in the basket Alex was holding. "I wish I had plans, sitting at home kind of sounds boring."
"What about Rikki?" Alex took the list from Mitchie.
"Oh, she doesn't live here. And, I mean, we're just friends. I'd rather…" She trailed off, shook her head and watched her feet.
"You'd rather what?" Alex steered them into the breakfast aisle. She grabbed a box of instant oatmeal packets. "Do you think there'll be enough in here?"
Glancing at the box briefly, Mitchie rubbed her arm. "Yeah. It should." She looked back down at her shoes. "I'd rather spend it with you."
Alex stopped walking, and Mitchie followed suit. Her eyes flitted over Mitchie's head. "Mitchie?"
Mitchie lifted her eyes.
Alex felt dizzy, but she forced herself to keep her voice steady. "Would you lik to do something on Valentine's Day? With me?"
Mitchie gave a small, half smile. "Yeah."
Alex couldn't contain her giant smile. "Okay, cool." Her heart was taking up her whole chest; she wanted to cry and laugh and jump up and down, but she stayed calm and tried to resume walking without her knees wobbling.
#
Mitchie set the supplies for the cookies out on her counter and leaned against the sink, watching Alex read the instructions off her phone. It felt good to have Alex inside her house again. She bit her lip, trying to stop herself from grinning.
Alex glanced up and caught Mitchie with a funny expression on her face and gave her a questioning look. "You okay?"
Mitchie nodded and pushed off from the sink. "Yeah. So what do we do first?"
Alex looked up. "How were you going to make these alone if you're asking me for the directions?"
Mitchie shrugged. "I would have done what you're doing…just use the Internet."
Alex smiled, but decided to carry on with the cookies. "All right, then. Well, this says we need to boil the sugar, cocoa, butter and milk first."
Once they'd finished pouring the cookies onto wax paper, they sat down in Mitchie's living room while they waited out the cooling period. Alex sat down on one end of the couch and Mitchie left a cushion between them.
"Hey, can I ask you something?" Mitchie twisted her fingers and untwisted them.
"Sure." Alex set her phone on the coffee table and turned to face Mitchie. "What's up?"
"What are you going to do, like, after graduation?"
Alex sighed. "I don't know. I mean, I'm majoring in art…I don't really know what this town has to offer me. I guess, I'll probably move."
Mitchie's heart sank. "Where do you think you'll go?"
Alex shrugged. "I don't really know. Maybe California, maybe Nashville. Or Chicago. I don't really know."
Mitchie nodded.
"What about you? Are you going to just teach around here?"
Mitchie looked up from her hands and shook her head slowly. "Um, I don't…I don't think I want to do that. I don't really agree with some of the new teaching laws and stuff, so I'll probably just…I don't know. I've been thinking about maybe New York City, or somewhere with some intercity stuff…I don't know. I think I'd be happier knowing I was helping kids who aren't getting screwed by our system here."
"Oh?" Alex hadn't really thought about the different teaching standards throughout the states, but now she wondered about which state was best to be learning in. "Where do you think you'll go?" She knew it was stupid, but she sort of wanted to move to wherever Mitchie planned to go.
Mitchie shrugged. "I really don't know. I've been considering my master's degree."
"That'd be cool. What could you do with that?"
Mitchie shrugged. "I don't really know. I'm just really unsure of myself right now. I've been doing some classroom work. Like, this semester, I'm making lesson plans and I'll be student teaching at some high schools starting the week after next. I don't know…I'm nervous about it." She sighed. "I'm not sure I'm ready for a real world job…I thought it's what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure."
"What would you do instead?"
Mitchie shook her head. "I really don't know." Her voice cracked and she looked down.
The timer they'd set for the cookies went off and Mitchie got up to check on them. Alex followed after her and turned her around. "Hey, Mitch. You're gonna be okay." She hugged Mitchie and ran her fingers through her hair. "A lot of people freak out right before graduation."
Mitchie stayed still, breathing in Alex's familiar scent, trying not to cry. She slowly returned the hug and rested her head on Alex's shoulder. "How do you know, though?"
"You're gonna figure it out, one day at a time."
"You're not freaking out, though."
Alex chuckled lightly. "I am feeling the same way, don't worry. I know how scary it all seems, but I swear, it'll be okay. Things will work out, you know? You just have to keep doing what you love and I feel like things will fall into place when you're in the right place at the right time."
Mitchie relaxed further into the hug and Alex couldn't focus on anything besides the way Mitchie's body felt against hers.
"Thanks, Alex." Mitchie's voice was muffled against Alex's neck.
Alex squeezed her tightly and then slowly loosened her grip. "Of course."
Mitchie rubbed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. "Sorry. Let's go check on the cookies."
Alex nodded and followed her to the table. "So, are they done?"
Mitchie sighed. "I don't know. They still seem a little wet and unready."
Alex groaned. "These take forever." She walked back into the living room and sat back down.
"So, what do you want to do on Thursday?" Mitchie leaned against arm rest next to the cushion Alex was sitting on.
"What's Thursday?"
Mitchie's heart dropped. "Valentine's Day."
Alex looked up, her eyes wide. "Oh! Right. Sorry." Her face felt warm as she looked back down. "Sorry. I just, I forgot it was this week."
Mitchie relaxed. "Oh, good. I thought you'd been joking about doing something."
"No! No. I definitely want to do something with you." Alex grabbed Mitchie's hand. "I don't know what we could do. We could…go to the river or a museum or…when do you get done with class?
"I'm done on campus by one. Do you work or go to class?"
"I've got class from one until four, it's just an art class, though. If I do the homework beforehand, I can skip it."
"Alex!"
"What?"
"You don't have to skip it."
Alex shrugged. "I don't mind."
"No, don't do that. The whole…" Mitchie stopped herself from saying the words that rested on her tongue. She knew saying 'the whole reason we aren't dating is because of school' would make the entire conversation awkward, because that no longer felt like the only reason they weren't together. "Never mind. If that's what you want to do, then okay. But don't feel like I won't hang out with you just because you get done after me."
Alex stood up and walked into kitchen to the dining table. She tried to lift one of the cookies and it came up as one whole piece. "How about I think about it? If I get the work done, I'll skip. If I don't, then I will go to class." She wasn't sure if Mitchie could hear her, but she was speaking loudly so she hoped that her words weren't just sound. "Also, the cookies are done."
Mitchie bumped her hip against Alex's. "How about you just go to class?"
Alex jumped. "Did you follow me?"
"Well, yeah." She laughed. "Why wouldn't I?"
Alex broke the cookie in half and handed part of it to Mitchie. "Here."
"Thanks."
"No, this was your idea, so thank you." Alex bit into the cookie, wondering what Mitchie would wind up doing after graduation. Alex watched Mitchie chewing her cookie, holding it over the sink and covering her mouth with her free hand, and Alex knew wherever Mitchie went, she really would go.
#
Somehow, it was suddenly Valentine's Day, and Mitchie was standing in Hallmark, trying to find the perfect card. She had perused the cards the past two days with no luck. She picked up another card and quickly set it down once she saw the word 'love' – they weren't even dating, how could she confess such a strong feeling, especially when they were barely just restarting their friendship?
She wanted to know where the section for 'people who wanted to date, but never did, but are friends who are hanging out together on Valentine's Day' was hiding in this store, because she didn't even know what she was looking for in a card, but she wanted something perfect.
She groaned and set down another card that sounded too serious. She turned around and looked at the "Funny" section again. All of the jokes seemed raunchy or lame. She sighed and picked up one with a small dog with hearts in its eyes on the front.
She scanned the inside quickly: Blah, Blah, Blah, Puppy Love Punch Line. She rolled her eyes and slid the card back into its slot. She tapped her cell phone against her thigh, then paused to glance at the clock. She had twenty minutes left until she had to head home to meet Alex. Mitchie had been relieved when Alex sent her a message to say that she was going to go to class that morning. For the first time since they'd stopped riding together, Mitchie was thankful, because that meant she hadn't had to come up with some lame excuse as to why they couldn't ride together today.
None of these cards were going to work. She walked around, scanning the sections when a woman cleared her throat. "Is there anything I can help you with?"
"Um, actually, do you have any blank cards for Valentine's Day?"
"Yeah, they're over here."
Mitchie followed her into the next row.
"Here you go. Let me know if you need anything else."
Mitchie nodded and thanked her before scanning the photos on the fronts of cards. Nothing was striking her as very Alex. She chewed on the inside of her lip, staring blankly at the pictures. She saw a card with two kittens cuddling on the front and instantly thought of waking up in Alex's arms; she decided to go with that.
Ten minutes later, Mitchie paced in her kitchen, trying to figure out what she should write. She'd thought about it on the drive home, but nothing sounded right. Her phone vibrated and she read the message. It was Alex and she was changing and then would be ready. Mitchie groaned. "Why the fuck is this so difficult?" She threw the pen against the wall and sat down on the kitchen floor. She rested her head in her hands. All the words she wanted to say to Alex ran through her head. I miss you. Can we please date? I'm sorry I never called… Will you please stay the night? Can we ride to school together again? Will you be my girlfriend? I wish things were different… None of it felt right. There was a knock on her front door and she crawled over to get the pen resting on the carpet in the hall. She grabbed the card off the counter and set it on the floor. She went with the only thing she could think of:
Happy Valentine's Day, Alex. Your friend, Mitchie
Alex stood on Mitchie's front steps with her Cupid-Gram in her hands. She felt stupid only giving her this, but she hadn't been able to think of anything else to get her.
Mitchie opened the door and smiled. "Hey."
"Hey, I know we talked about just staying in and watching a movie and eating takeout, but I thought about it and realized I'd like to do something nice for you. So, would you mind we went to Formichetti's for dinner?"
Mitchie blinked, before a smile slowly spread across her face. "Oh, sure. Let me just change real quick."
"Are you sure that's okay?"
"Yeah, definitely. I'll just throw on a dress and flats and we can go."
"I don't know if they'll have any seating left. I know they don't do reservations, but I don't know if anyone else would think to eat at five or if everyone else is waiting until like, later…so I don't even know if it'll be worth it." Alex rambled on in the hallway, while Mitchie changed into a dress and walked back out of her bedroom, holding her card in her hand.
"I think either way it'll be okay. If that doesn't work out, takeout can be our fall back." She tapped her white envelope against her palm. "Um, this is kinda lame, but I got you a card."
Alex grinned and took the card from her. "Thanks. I, um, kind of did the same." She held out the Cupid-Gram.
It was then that Mitchie realized Alex was holding the red envelope she'd seen her with on Monday. "You got me a Cupid-Gram?" She took it, a smile on her lips.
"Yes." Alex ducked her head a little. "I hope that's okay."
Mitchie smiled. "Yes, dork."
They opened the cards at the same time, and both of them laughed. They each looked up from their card and said, "That's what I wrote."
They shared a laugh and set the cards down on the kitchen counter. Alex held Mitchie's eyes for a moment and wondered if it would be okay to kiss her, but refrained.
Alex drove them to Formichetti's and was relieved to see the parking lot didn't look too full. As they walked up to the front door, their hands brushed against one another and Mitchie moved her hand, afraid of being too persistent. She was still sure that Alex only wanted to be friends; she would leave the first move up to Alex.
While they'd laughed over the content of the card, Alex hadn't failed to see the words 'your friend' signed with Mitchie's name. The words stung, but she was not going to let them dampen the evening. Just being friends with Mitchie would be fine; she could handle that. It hurt, but Alex knew she deserved that. At least, she knew what they were for sure now. She wished knowing that meant her feelings could simply dissipate.