It was early morning when Beth and Daryl decided to keep moving. Daryl figured that everyone would scatter in different directions; the best he could manage was to try and track them. But the signs were just not there for him to follow- there were no footprints, blood or anything to go off of. The only thing Daryl could find was a herd of walkers and their mess of tracks. Trying to pull anything out of that mess would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack, nearly impossible and time consuming. Daryl didn't want to waste that much time, especially with Beth being on edge the way she was, it wouldn't bode well.
Beth followed behind Daryl slowly, fiddling with the bracelet encasing her wrist. She was in better spirits today thanks to the heart-to-heart she had with Daryl the night before. Something inside her started to break, something started healing. She still wasn't fully herself; but that wasn't going to happen overnight and she knew that, Beth lost too much for that to happen. She tried to keep her thoughts on other things.
One of her favorite topics was the tattered and dirty angel wings on the back of Daryl's vest. She wanted to run her hands over the appliqués and she didn't know why. The wings were beautiful, they almost seemed out of place on Daryl, but on the other hand, they seemed perfect for him. Even in their tattered and dirty state, they were a mirror image of the man that wore them. He was dirty and broken in his own way, after seeing his scars; Beth wanted to help him heal as well. But for now, he was her guardian angel, he always had been.
Beth's mind avoided all the painful thoughts, locking them away into little compartments deep inside. She didn't think about Judith, her father, Maggie, Glenn or anyone else at the prison. Cale wasn't even a distant fragment of thought; it was like he was just gone. Beth ran through song lyrics in her head, seeing if she could remember the exact words even after years of not hearing them, it was a game to distract her while walking behind Daryl. When she grew bored of songs she started to recall memories from her childhood when she was a frizzy-haired adolescent. That seemed like such a long time ago with everything that had happened in the last few years. Years, that's how long they had been fighting and surviving with the dead. It had been almost two years since Daryl had shown up on the farm. Lori was barely pregnant and Judith was now almost a year old, time had passed so fast that Beth was shocked when she did the math.
Thinking about kids made Beth wonder what Daryl was like as a kid. For some reason she couldn't picture it, she always saw Daryl as a hard but loving adult. He might not directly show love, but it was there if you looked just the right way. He couldn't hide from Beth how he played with Judith, how he looked out for everyone. That was him showing love, in his own unique way. She couldn't separate him from his crossbow; she tried to place him in a school setting – him working on a test, his feet dangling from the chair, not yet able to reach the floor yet. In her daydream kid Daryl clutched a pencil in his small chubby hand, a look of concentration on his face. But it didn't seem to fit him, it just wasn't the Daryl she knew.
Beth half wondered if he even completed high school, not that it mattered but he just didn't seem like the type. Her thoughts shifted then to a memory from her own childhood. It was the first day of third grade and she insisted that Maggie braid her hair in pigtails. She begged and pleaded in her squeaky little girl voice until Maggie finally gave in, just to get Beth to quit pestering her. Beth couldn't wipe the smile from her gapped grin while Maggie braided her long blonde hair. Once she was done, Beth pulled them over her shoulders, twisting the pink hair ties between her painted fingers.
She remembered getting compliments on her hair that day, each of them making her giddy. Somehow, she had made herself feel better, getting lost in the long forgotten memories. Lost in another place and time, Beth hadn't realized that she had to pee. "Daryl," she called, catching his attention. He stopped walking and turned to look back at her. "I have to pee." A blush burned high on her cheekbones. It wasn't because she wasn't embarrassed to urinate in front of Daryl; it was the thought of pulling down her pants. The thought of having to pull her pants down in the woods made her apprehensive; her heart started to beat quicker, and her palms started to sweat.
Anyone could be out in these woods, anyone could see her, and anyone could take advantage of her like Cale did. Daryl lowered his crossbow at the sight of her face. "I ain't gonna watch, Beth, if that's what you're worried 'bout," Daryl said, dropping his gaze. He was almost embarrassed having to voice the thought, knowing why she had that deer in the headlights look.
Beth quickly shook her head "It ain't that," she started. Daryl looked back up to her. She sighed; the words she wanted to tell him just wouldn't come out. "Just turn 'round, please," she whispered. Daryl complied, waiting for to finish her business in his silent way. Beth made her way to the nearest tree, unzipped her pants and squatted. Her eyes frantically searched the area around her for anyone. She didn't understand why she was so terrified of going pee in the woods, she had done it a million times in her life – she justwas.
After she air-dried for a few moments, Beth quickly pulled up her pants and the zipper. She stalked off past Daryl, wanting to get away from the moment, the tension and anxiety was eating at her. She focused on the sound of her footsteps against the earth, trying to ignore how close Daryl was to her back.
"You ain't gotta be embarrassed Beth. We all piss," Daryl said. He didn't want to sound mean, but it was the truth. Everyone has peed in the woods at one time or another, he'd done it so much in his life that it wasn't even a thought anymore, he just did it.
Beth hugged her arms around her body, it wasn't for being cold in the muggy heat of Georgia fall. How could she explain to Daryl that she was scared? When she went to the bathroom in the prison, she could lock the door. It was a privilege she didn't have any more, at the prison she could lock everyone out and have a little time to breathe. Beth didn't have that now, her eyes fell shut as she answered. "I just don't feel safe," she revealed. "I feel… vulnerable." That felt like the right word to her to get her point across to Daryl. "I used to be able to lock myself away, have a few moments to myself…" Beth said, her voice trailing off to less than a whisper.
Daryl understood then, he wanted to kick his own ass at being oblivious to the obvious. He wanted to slow down and talk about it, but he didn't want to scare her off. She needed to get things like this off her chest before she self destructed. "Beth, he's dead. Nothin' is gonna happen. Not with me 'round," Daryl stated, his voice soft and sympathetic. He kept his eyes on her back, on her swishing ponytail. He wanted nothing more than to be able to see her face, to have some visual check of her understanding his words.
Her shoulders slumped, that wasn't the reaction he was hoping for. Her voice was small in the expanse of the woods,"I've just gotten so used to those moments. And I don't know if that's good or bad," she decided.
Daryl mulled it over, pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth. "I think it's a little bit a both. Given the circumstances, it's bad that yah had to do that…" Daryl started. He chewed on the inside of his lip. "But, it's good that yah learned to deal with it, kinda." The words didn't sound right coming out even to Daryl's ears. Beth understood what he meant for the most part, Daryl usually made sense when he spoke. She slowed down so she was in step with him; there was nowhere they needed to be in a hurry, so what was the point of running to get nowhere fast?
Beth sucked on the inside of her lip, sorting through the thoughts and emotions coursing through her head. Daryl was trying to make her feel better without alienating her. Now that she realized that, she was feeling even worse about it all. Hindsight is 20/20- She should have told Daryl or Rick instead of Carl when it first happened. Maybe none of this would have ever happened. It was all her fault, shoulda, coulda, woulda would eat her alive. Beth couldn't dwell on it; without being aware she began to openly weep. Daryl heard her cries, chills racing up his spine and smacking him right in the face. He never liked the sound of a girl crying – especially not Beth. "What's wrong?" He asked, cupping her shoulder so she would look at him.
Beth shook her head; trying to wipe away the tears, but they were only replaced by more. "I'm so stupid," Beth cried, "I shoulda told yah. I shoulda been brave n' told yah, outted Cale the first day he took advantage of me," Beth clenched her teeth in anger; she refused to look at Daryl and have him see the shame written across her face.
Daryl let his hand fall from her shoulder, disdainfully shaking his own head. In this moment, he absolutely hated Cale more than he ever had before. He hated the way he made Beth feel by what Cale had done to her. Daryl hated that Beth thought she was stupid, useless and a scared little girl when he only wanted to tell her how strong she actually had been and still is. "Don't say that," Daryl urged. "You were doing what you thought was the best for Judith."
"But that doesn't matter anymore, does it?" Beth shot back, her voice was venomous. "She's not alive either way." Beth started to trudge away from Daryl. He knew damn good and well what she was doing; he was guilty of it more than once in his own life. She was running from her problems but Daryl wasn't going to let her off that easy. Beth needed to face the reality of the situation she was in, if she didn't she would never be able to deal with what happened and start the healing process.
Daryl reached out and grabbed her unscathed, bare wrist and turned her back to face him. "That only gives you something to stay alive for." Daryl had finally said it, the words making Beth's eyes widen in shock. He knew the thoughts that were running through her mind, the hopelessness that weighed heavy on her heart. "Avenge her. Cale wanted nothing more than to see you weak, helpless and fragile. You have to be strong, fearless and unbreakable," Daryl's grip tightened on her wrist, Beth quit struggling to pry her arm free when his words sank in. The words hit deep and hard, it was everything she should have been saying to herself but couldn't formulate.
When Daryl felt Beth's body relax, he let go. "I don't think I can do that," Beth wallowed. "I'm beyond repair." Even when she said, it she half-doubted it. The look in Daryl's eyes told her that he didn't even believe it, as far as he was concerned she was full of shit. They had made progress last night, she couldn't run back now. If they could just continue that forward momentum – she would heal, and he would too. Beth never knew that he had scars; he never let anyone see them. She wondered if they were all over his body or just his back, morbid curiosity getting the better of her.
It was then that it dawned on Beth how alike she and Daryl were. They were misunderstood, they both hid their scars away from everyone else. They both kept their pain and anger bottled up inside them until they exploded. Birds of a feather they were. Beth let her eyes fall shut; fresh tears still clinging to her lashes. "We'll get through it, Beth." His voice was warm with emotion; his voice was calming to her frazzled nerves. That voice was the one thing that had broke down the walls that Beth tried so hard to build high around her.
Beth opened her eyes, feeling like she wasn't alone with just Daryl. She felt like there was a dark presence gripping at her spine, she realized then they were not alone. Just over Daryl's shoulder stood someone with their back turned to the pair. Beth reached out and seized Daryl's bicep, her nails digging into the soft muscle. Daryl flinched in pain, his eyebrows knitted together staring into Beth's fear frozen eyes.
"What is it, Beth?" Daryl asked, casting a gaze over his shoulder, following her terrified stare. His body went into full on alert mode, but there was no one there for Daryl to see. The only thing he saw was a dirt trail and trees, there wasn't bug or beast moving near.
The boy turned around slowly-it was Cale. Judith was in his arms, softly cooing and grabbing at his bloodstained shirt. His eyes locked with Beth's, dark and penetrating just like they were when he would terrorize her. A vicious smile graced his lips as a shocked gasp rocked through her body. It couldn't be-Cale was dead, and so was Judith. Beth blinked her eyes again and again, waiting for them to disappear but they remained. Cale let out a loud laugh, throwing his head back in hilarity. His laugh pinged off the trees, echoing inside Beth's head. Beth felt the world start to spin like water going down the drain, not hearing Daryl calling her name.