"C'mon Elsa," Anna pleads. "It's got bacon in it. You like bacon."

Elsa shakes her head vigorously. Her silvery white hair whips the sides of her head. She frowns, and brushes it back. Anna makes a mental note to tell Elsa about the miracles of braids and hair ties.

"Why is it green?" Elsa takes a nervous step back.

"That's the broccoli," Anna says cheerfully. "It's a broccoli casserole."

"I smell cheese," Elsa takes a cautious sniff. "Definitely cheese."

"It's good," Anna insists. "Don't be a baby."

"Anna," Elsa says gingerly. "You do remember that dairy and I are bitter rivals, right?"

"Oh!" Anna exclaims. "Shit! Yeah, don't eat this. Sorry. I didn't think. I'm used to feeding people- erm… humans… You're people too- and I'm not thinking and I'm sorry."

"It's quite all right," Elsa replies. She gives a titanic yawn. There are no dark bags under her eyes, but she gives off the same sort of aura. Anna frowns in concern, but doesn't comment.

"Well," Anna shrugs apologetically, "I can make you something else."

"I'm fine," Elsa assures her.

"Ok, I guess," Anna shrugs nervously. "D&D is in a few hours; do you need help with your character?"

"No," Elsa shakes her head. "I looked through the rules the other day. It doesn't look that complicated."

"Um," Anna frowns. "Doesn't look that complicated? Really?"

"I am content with my character," Elsa says cheerfully. "She is a fighter."

"A fighter?" Anna nods encouragement. "Way to break the stereotype."

"Yes." Elsa grins. "She's a gnome. I decided to make her young too, like a hatchling. Whatever the mammal word for hatchling is. I forget. it starts with a c? Or maybe a k?"

"That's…" Anna takes a quick bite of her casserole. "An interesting design decision?"

"I get to reduce my size by one for being young," Elsa replies smugly. "And gnomes are size category small, right?"

"Yeah," Anna thinks for a moment. "I guess you'll be a pain to hit, and fighters have lots of HP anyway, but fighters need strength. You're dealing with two pretty hefty strength penalties."

"That is so," Elsa makes her clicking noise. "But I get a constitution bonus, and I took Weapon Finesse, so I can use dexterity instead, and you said we are at sixth level, so I got a plus one, keen, flaming, kukri- it already has a really big critical range, and keen improves that, right? And it's a small weapon, so I get to use dexterity, and I took expanded critical range, so I should score critical hits almost all the time, right? And I chose Power Attack, Cleave, and Greater Cleave, so every time I score a critical hit, I get another attack."

"That's," Anna frowns for a moment. "That's right I think? You don't get to cleave into the same target though. You can't just cleave through one monster over and over again."

"Right!" Elsa makes her purring noise. "But I bought a scroll that lets me summon a 'planar creature' to fight for me, so I picked a fire mephit, and I paid extra to make the spell permanent. And Fire mephits have immunity to fire, so I can't actually hurt it, so I'll just attack my mephit with every other attack. And I bought plate armor, so I'm even harder to hit!"

"Wow." Anna scratches her head. "Remind me to never show you the country's legal documents. You'd wind up empress of the world, probably."

"No," Elsa protests. "I'd wind up being the world optimizer."

"I'm just glad you didn't make Pun-pun the kobald," Anna mutters. Her dinner goes quickly, and soon, Anna and her dragon are standing outside Kristoff's home.

Kristoff opens the door. He looks worried. "Come on in," he says, with forced cheer. "Marshmallow's not joining us today. Apparently there was an emergency at the vet."

"Marshmallow plays our cleric," Anna says. Elsa nods. "He works at the vet. Guess he just likes making things better, but the army kindof burned him out? Or like being a real doctor is too stressful?"

"Vets are real doctors," Kristoff mutters. Elsa gets the sense it's something he repeats with some regularity. He's leading the two girls through his short atrium, and into the living room. There's a table in the middle, and bland carpeted floors and white plaster walls. A television and gaming console hide behind the couch, over in the corner, and medieval weaponry covers every inch of wall. Swords there- every kind of sword imaginable long swords, basket hilted broadswords, sabers, rapiers- maces and hammers there, an impressive collection of axes here. Elsa blinks, and shuffles nervously.

"Listen," Kristoff says after a moment. "Anna, be careful, ok? Hans came by earlier looking for you. You're being safe, right? Not going places alone? Getting a goddamned restraining order?"

Elsa gives a terrifying, rippling, growl. Kristoff shudders.

"I'm fine," Anna scratches the back of her head self consciously. "I'm being careful."

Kristoff turns to Elsa, stares for a moment into her slitted, blue, reptilian eyes. Elsa doesn't blink. "Park rangers and police have to work pretty closely together," he says. "If something happens, you do what you have to, to keep Anna safe, and it'll all work out." Elsa blinks slowly.

"Kristoff!" Anna swats him half-playfully. "It's hard enough to keep Elsa from taking matters into her own hands without you egging her on!"

"Sorry, sorry," Kristoff raises his hands in surrender. "I'm just worried about you. Shall we get started?"

"Sure," Anna says, grateful for the change of subject. "Where're Sven and Olaf?"

"Kitchen, of course," Kristoff says. Anna fetches the other two members of her party, and the four players introduce their characters. Anna's, a Elvish wizard- a slutty elvish wizard, Olaf helpfully supplies. Olaf's a gnome rogue (gnome buddies! Olaf cries joyfully), and Sven's a mute Druid (who apparently preferres to wildshape into a reindeer).

"You find yourselves in a tavern," Kristoff begins.

"Not another fucking tavern," Anna groans.

"A TAVERN," Kristoff continues doggedly, "in the southern town of Arrendel. It's summer, but there's melting snow and ice everywhere."

"Summer," Elsa says. "In the south. Are we below the equator?"

"No," Kristoff replies. "This world is flat. There isn't an equator. The farther south you go, the warmer it gets."

"Ok," Elsa nods. She blinks. "Is this town on a mountain? Above the tree line maybe?"

"No," Kristoff grunts. "There's a mountain nearby, but Arrendel is pretty close to sea level. It's got a small harbor. Can I finish my introduction?"

"Yes," Elsa says. "Sorry."

"The villagers seem twitchy," Kristoff says after a moment. "And they look at you with a mixture of fear and hope."

"Not fucking 'fear and hope' again," Anna thunks her head down on the table.

"It's a dragon," Olaf says cheerfully. "White dragon, I'm guessing. Those bastards love their snow, and they're all evil, so it fits."

Elsa gives a small, pained, squeak, and glances uncertainly at Anna, but doesn't say anything.

"We don't know that," Anna protests. "Just because you've not met a good white dragon doesn't mean there aren't any."

"Um, freaking monster manual?" Olaf shrugs.

"You're dragon racist," Sven says quietly, but he's got a small, almost playful, grin.

"I'm not a fucking dragon racist," Olaf protests. "It's just a fact." Elsa sinks down in her chair. Anna puts her arm around Elsa's narrow shoulders, and gives a gentle squeeze. Elsa makes her warm purring noise, and leans into the embrace.

"There is fucking fear and hope," Kristoff says. "Deal with it."

"We're in a tavern?" Olaf asks.

"Oh god," Kristoff pinches the bridge of his nose. "Yes."

"I walk up to the bar," Olaf grins. "I'm rolling move silently. I wanna roll to steal someone's pants. Like one of the patrons. Not the barkeep. That'd just be rude."

"Oh that would be rude?" Anna laughs.

"There is a bar?" Elsa asks. "Like a pole? Is it for dancing?" She scratches absently at the side of her neck.

"You haven't been to a whole lot of taverns, have you?" Kristoff laughs. It takes a full fifteen minutes for the party to get back on track. Business as usual.

"I want to ask what's going on," Anna says, once Kristoff has reclaimed the conversation. It is a consistent rule of D&D that even the simplest actions take hours. The players will fall for every distraction, both in game and out, and even the most straightforward situations seem to necessitate an hour of planning and second guessing. It takes the party almost three hours to decide that yes, a dragon is living on the nearby mountain, and yes, it is terrorizing the town.

They are ambushed by a troupe of bugbears on the road up the mountain- because not even travel can be simple in D&D. Elsa cheerfully refuses to fight them, but Anna disposes of them with a few fireballs.

The dragon's cave is set high in the side of the mountain. Where a real dragon prefers neatly organized treasure rooms, and clean lines, Kristoff's imaginary cave is rough, unworked, stone, and a haphazard pile of gold.

"I want to say hi," Elsa says.

"Who dares disturb the lair of the White Death?" Kristoff asks in his best imitation of a growl. Elsa gives her odd laughing clicking sound.

"What a stupid name for a dragon," Anna laughs.

"What a stupendous name for a dragon is what I think you mean," Elsa grins. "I say, 'hi, I'm… Um… Shit. Hang on." She checks her character sheet. "I'm Barbara the gnome, and I'm here to help."

"Elsa," Anna chuckles.

"Shit," Olaf says. "What happened to being stealthy?"

Sven nods thoughtfully. "We're fucked," he decides aloud.

"And how can a mere mortal help me?" Kristoff asks quickly. "I, who am a mighty dragon?"

"Well," Elsa says, "see, the villagers are hiring adventurers, and you're what? A young adult? An adult? There are level twenty adventurers out there… I mean, um. Skilled dragon slayers? And, if we fail to kill you, they're just going to hire better adventurers, and eventually, someone's going to get you. So here's what I propose; let's work out a way for everyone to live together peacefully.'"

"I attack the dragon," Olaf announces.

"Wait," Elsa says quickly. "My dex is pretty good. Can I roll to go first?"

"Sure," Kristoff allows.

"Twenty!" Elsa cries. "I want to stab Olaf's character."

"Sure," Kristoff laughs. "Roll it."

"But… Gnome buddies," Olaf says as Elsa starts to roll.

"A hundred and ninety three," Elsa says cheerfully. "Damage that is. Your AC is only eighteen, right?"

"Oh god!" Olaf exclaims. "How?"

"I got a lot of criticals," Elsa replies. There's something competitive and predatory in her eyes.

"But… I've been playing that character for three years," Olaf protests.

"Neat," Elsa grins viciously. "So, anyway, I…"

"I attack Elsa's character," Sven says.

"Excellent!" Elsa turns her terrifying reptile eyes on Sven. "I get two attacks of opportunity."

"Two?" Kristoff frowns. "How?"

"Combat reflexes gives me a number of attacks of opportunity equal to my dex bonus," Elsa is already rolling. "And I took a mutation that gives me reach, so I get one attack at ten feet, and another at five."

"Jesus fuck," Kristoff gasps. And you get extra attacks for this too?"

"Yes." Elsa trails the end of the word like a hiss. "I have to attack my mephit every other attack, but my mephit isn't hurt by it. Only seventy five damage," Elsa pouts.

"Well you only killed me twice over," Sven grins. "Impressive."

"Anna?" Elsa purrs, and holds up the dice.

"Nope," Anna shakes her head vigorously. "I'm with you darling."

"Ok," Elsa shrugs. "So anyway, I think we should work on a plan to make cohabitation with the villagers a possibility. Why were you eating them?"

"God!" Kristoff shudders. "Remind me never to fuck with you. I guess the dragon says something like 'oh, I was hungry and they're just mortals. Who cares?'"

"You will," Elsa says. "Care, that is. Once they hire a more competent adventuring party. Or if I decide to kill you. I'm fairly certain that I could. Can we agree that death isn't in your best interests?"

"Um?" Kristoff frowns. "Yes?"

"Then we are also agreed that you should not be eating humans?" Elsa tilts her head and continues. "Now how shall we go about feeding you? Ah! You get cleric spells."

"I do?" Kristoff asks. "Really?"

"Yes. All dragons do," Elsa shrugs. "It seems a bit arbitrary, but it's in the rules. And clerics can summon potatoes as low level spells. Depending on your int bonus, you can probably summon ten sacks of potatoes a day, at least. Now, obviously you're a carnivore, but I suspect that the humans in the town will be willing to trade you meat for potatoes. You'll have to use your human form, but that should be entirely doable for you. Yes, the exchange rate between potatoes and meat might not be in your favor, but everyone knows that large reptiles prefer to eat large meals all at once, sleep for a month, and not eat in between. See anacondas. Your stomach, based on your body mass, is probably not larger than, say, a deer. I'm sure three hundred sacks of potatoes is enough to purchase one deer?"

"That's…" Kristoff thinks for a moment. "That's actually a good point Elsa. I guess the dragon agrees?"

Anna slips her hand into Elsa's as they walk home half an hour later. Elsa flinches, but doesn't pull away. She looks at Anna for a moment, then stops walking. Anna is jerked to a stop by their linked hands. Elsa tilts her head slowly, silvery hair making a shimmery sort of curtain. Anna imagines that her hair is made of moonlight for a moment, but then Elsa is speaking. "I'm sorry," she says in her distinctive raspy voice. She scratches her neck with her free hand and drops something on the dark asphalt behind her. A shimmering white-blue scale. Anna pretends not to notice. "I ruined your game. I didn't intend to, but I went overboard. Dragons are proud creatures, and I felt- wrongly- that my pride was being challenged. I felt that there was only one action that Kristoff wanted me to do, and that offended me. And we're predators; it's not easy for me to stop myself from harming your people, and I got too immersed in the game. But all I'm doing is offering excuses, and that is not what an apology is. I'm sorry. You love this D&D, and I feel as though I have ruined it."

"No!" Anna says. "Not at all. We only ever kick down the door, kill all the monsters, and loot the room. This was a good change. Wait… You have to keep yourself from hurting me? Like eating me?"

"Yes," Elsa looks away. "I apologize for that as well, I suppose."

"Nah," Anna shrugs, and give her pale hand a squeeze. "I feel safe around you."

"Then you are a very foolish monkey," Elsa says, but she's grinning slightly. Anna stares into Elsa's face until she looks back. They stand like that for a moment, staring into each other's eyes, then Anna blinks slowly and deliberately, and is rewarded by a happy purr from her pale companion. Anna grins; those animal training books weren't wrong about the eye contact, at least. Anna steps forward, and Elsa blinks in confusion.

"Promise me you won't eat me for what I'm about to do?" Anna asks.

"That depends entirely on what you are planning to do," Elsa frowns.

Anna swallows nervously. Then again. Then leans in, and plants a tentative kiss on Elsa's cool lips. The dragon lets out a startled yip. "Guess it's my turn to apologize," Anna giggles. "Sorry. You make cute noises. Sorry."

Elsa jolts forward, and nips Anna's nose lightly. Anna rubs at her nose, and frowns at her dragon. "What'd you do that for?" She asks indignantly.

Elsa clicks- a sound that seems disconcertingly like a snicker in this context. "What'd you kiss me for?" She asks.

"'Cuz I like you," Anna rubs her nose again.

"Huh," Elsa says. "I guess I was right then. It's getting late, and I hear that it's not safe for humans to be out at night."

"Ok I guess," Anna frowns, and walks with Elsa. She takes Elsa's hand again. "Wait, does this mean you like me?" She asks.

"Hmm." Elsa says. "That's an interesting question. Let me know when you've got an answer."

AN: I think in D&D 3.5, the mephit's fire immunity only actually stops the fire damage… I think the actual magical kukri attack would still hurt it, but this is a work of fiction, so whatever. There are a few other rules errors in there, that I left because this is a story, and it's more thematic this way.

I intended to follow the "twice a week" update pattern, but life is busy, and I should really try to life more often… I think once a week will be a more sustainable update pattern, so Ima tentatively pledge to do that instead? I would rather give you all a better story a little late than a worse story on time... Don't go all angry mob if I miss an update plz?

*braces for rotten tomatoes*

As always, many thanks for all the favorites/follows/reviews. This story only exists because of you all.

Edit: 50 followers! wheeee! also, there are horizontal lines in this program? how i not know dis?