Chapter 10: Haunting departures

Jughead awoke at the sound of a soft bang, he'd always been very sensitive to noises when he slept, tonight was no different. He got up from his bed, wondering where the noise had come from. He stepped quietly and moved slowly in the darkness of his room, walking around the toys he knew were littered across the rugged floor. He and Jellybean had played on in his room till late into the night. Their mother had told them to each go to their separate beds and go to sleep. He now wondered why she hadn't told him to clean up his toys. He winched quietly as he stepped on a sharp part of a toy as he hopped the last step to the door. He opened it slowly, not wanting to wake up dad in case he got angry again like yesterday. And the day before that. Coming into his room, bottle waving, yelling at Jellybean and him to play quietly, the siblings had flinched back at his voice and had kept playing in absolute silence, not daring to speak a word. Jughead kept walking, wiping the hair away from his face and pulling his beanie up so he could actually see. But as always, it just slid right down again. He kept walking down the narrow hall, his footsteps tapping softly on the wooden floor when he heard crying. He kept listening and identified it as Jellybean's tears. He wondered what was going on. Did Jellybean have another nightmare? Did dad or the nice monster under her bed say something mean? Why was Jellybean sad?

He kept walking towards the sound, not wanting to make a nose but trying to find Jellybean so he could comfort her. He peeked his head around the corner, just in case someone was there and saw Mama close the door behind her as she stepped inside. He looked at her curiously, why was she wearing her coat? Why did she go outside? Where was Jellybean? She looked around like she was trying to find something and Jughead stepped out from his hiding spot.

"Mama?" He asked, scared, not knowing what was going on or where Jellybean was, he suddenly couldn't hear her crying anymore.

She whipping her head to Jughead and approached him swiftly, crossing the room in a few strides.

"Mama, where's Jellybean?" He asked softly, feeling like he was about to cry.

"Hey, Jughead." She said in whispered a sing-song voice, "Shh, Shh. Hush Jughead, you have to be quiet."

His Mama said as she knelt before him, seeing his panicked expression.

"Hey, baby, you need to be quite for Mama. Okay? Can you do that for me?"

She asked and Jughead nodded, she smiled gratefully and grabbed his hands.

"Mama has to take Jellybean somewhere, okay? She's fine, she's just outside waiting for me."

She said to him, tears pooling in her eyes,

"But where Mama, why are you crying? Why is Jellybean crying?" He asked, feeling his own eyes fill with tears, threatening to pool over his chubby cheeks. The fact that mama was crying scared him the most. Suddenly there was a loud bang from her bedroom, causing both of them to jump and Jughead let out a soft whimper.

"Mama needs to go, okay?" His Mama's voice suddenly turned urgent, "You need to be good for me. Be good for Mama." His mama said, hysterical tears streaming down her face, barely visible in the darkness. Jughead tried to wrap his small arms around her to make her feel better, but she pushed him away, keeping him at arm's length.

"Understood?" She asked, almost demandingly and Jughead couldn't do anything but nod. She placed a kiss on jughead's beanie glad forehead, her tears falling into his cheeks, mixing with his own.

"Mama, where are you going?" Jughead managed to mumble between sniffs and streams of tears. His mama didn't answer.

"I'll be back soon baby, I promise. Bye, I love you."

She said crying but trying to keep her voice as steady as possible. She took one more glance at her bedroom door as if expecting a monster to come charging out. She gave her son one last kiss before standing up on shaking legs. She walked over to the door and Jughead's gaze followed her every step of the way. She opened the door and for the few seconds it stood open, Jughead could see pasted his mom and saw Jellybean behind her. She was crying, her hand clasped over her mouth like her mother had told her to so she wouldn't say a word. the two siblings interlocked panicked, crying eyes for a split second before Mama pulled Jellybean away by her hand and pulled her further into the darkness, a suitcase in her other hand as the door closed slowly behind them. There was a faint click which seemed to snap Jughead out of his daze and he ran for the door, trying to pull it open, trying with all his might but it was locked, it wouldn't budge a centimetre. Jughead cried and cried, trying over and over again before giving up and letting himself slide down the door, just sitting there, waiting for his mama to come back. Little did he know he'd be waiting for the next five years and that this very night would be the darkest of all nights, that this night would be the night that plagued his nightmares, sometimes his every thought for years to come. That it was the begging of a long line of torturous loneliness. That he would spend years regretting he hadn't run straight to his dad and gotten the key, that he hadn't screamed, that he'd let them go, that he'd been paralysed in the spot, that he let his family go and had let everything fall apart.

This was the night, that as an 11-year-old he stopped being a child, he wasn't allowed to be one anymore and never could be again. That night was the first night his mama hadn't been there to stop FP's fists, the first night he's tasted his own blood in his mouth and felt the unforgiving strike of a belt.

Jughead gasped as he awoke from his nightmare, Chills running down every inch of his body, his breath coming short, his heart racing faster and faster as he tried to breathe.

No, No, no, no, no, no. No!

This couldn't be happening he thought to himself as panic took every inch of his body, he tried desperately to take in some air but found himself choking on it instead.

No, not again. Not now. Fuck, no.

He couldn't be having another panic attack after years and years of therapy, online tips and forgetting, healing, he couldn't be having another panic attack. The attacks he'd been having had finally stopped but now they were clawing their way back in, along with the memories.

He couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything but tremble violently, feeling himself choke. He tried breathing slowly and deeply like he'd done a million times before when had panic attacks but this time was harder than ever, bringing him back to his very first attack.

He wasn't used to it anymore and his nightmare had been nothing more than a long-lost memory resurfacing. A childish phrase ran through his head like it had done so many times before, he bit his lip to keep from saying it out loud, to keep from screaming it. Letting it bound through his head in repeat instead.

Why did you leave me, mama?

He couldn't find his way back, to the present, to breathing, he was stuck in the memory, feeling all those raw emotions all over again. He knew if he stayed in that awful place that where his memories he would drown, he had to get to the surface. But how? He tried to control his thoughts, to think of something positive, to keep the flashes of his nightmare out of his head and found himself thinking of Betty. Yes, Betty, he had to think of Betty, a pure, good memory. He thought back to them at Pop's sitting in a booth together, going to the movies on his birthday together, driving out of Riverdale together, walking by the river together, giving her her birthday present from him, their first kiss. All the good memories ran through his head like they were on a record and he found himself able to breath normal again.

He'd finally managed to calm down and breath properly, finally managed to control his body and thoughts.

He stayed in his spot under the tree long after the nightmare had passed, mentally drained and physically exhausted, he cried and cried with his head in his hands. Even the memories he shared with Betty couldn't push the pain out completely. He cried for the memory that had come back to haunt him after so many years, he cried for the mother he still needed despite denying it for years, he cried over dreams of him suffocated by his own lungs, his own thoughts.

He was happy to see his sister again but he had to admit that it had ripped open a healing wound inside of him and he didn't know if he could survive her leaving again. If he could ever survive anybody ever leaving again. If he could survive to be lonely again.

He suddenly got up from the floor, determined. He was going to make her want to stay, not just pray for it or guilt her into it, he wanted to really make her want to stay. He'd explain to her about being a Serpent and hopefully, she would listen. Maybe even understand. He checked the time, 6:38, he really had only been asleep for 10 minutes. He mounted his bike and started the engine with a lively stutter.

FP grunted in frustration, where the fuck was she? He thought. Jughead was so dead when he next found him. FP had driven to the school and hadn't seen her, he'd dropped down by Pop's and hadn't found her there either. He'd gone into the public library and handy found a single sight of her. He grunted in frustration at the list of places he'd have to go and look for her. And Jughead wasn't picking up his cell. He checked the time, glancing towards his watch for a second. He swore loudly as he turned his head back to the road. He was going to be late for his shift. Without a moment of hesitation, he spun his bike around swiftly into the lane going the opposite way, causing the car behind him to come to a shrieking halt and honk loudly. He swung his middle finger at the car and continued down the road, he'd have to postpone his search, he thought to himself as he sped to Pop's.

Betty and Jellybean rode down the streets of Riverdale, not saying a word as they passed house after house, some people gaped at the sight of the two girls, other's couldn't care less. Soon the houses passed less and less often until woodland came into view. Jellybean kept watching the increasing amount of trees when they suddenly stopped at a clearing. Jellybean looked around her confused, why had they stopped? It took her a moment to realise what she was looking at. She took off her helmet slowly as it dawned on her.

"Is that…?" She uttered in disbelief, already knowing the answer. Before her was nothing but….that was it, nothing. Not even rubble or any slight remains, not as much as a brick or sign indicating what once stood there. Nothing. Nothing but a field of growing grass. As she kept looking she could imagine the big screen at the back, the little snack bar with its bright lights, the projection booth, the cars filling the field. She sat in absolute silence as she looked upon all that remained, just memories and a big empty field. Betty watched it too, removing her own helmet and joining Jellybean's silence, feeling the grip around her waist fall slacken. Betty and Jellybean sat there like that for five minutes when Betty couldn't bear it anymore. She had to say something. Say something to soothe the storm no doubt raging in Jellybean's head.

"He worked here, would play the movies and just sit there behind the projector, watching them play out, mouthing along with the words sometimes, even though he couldn't hear them over the nose of the machines. He...he and his dad stumbled across some bad times, the drive-in was his escape, he would sleep here in a makeshift bed in the projection booth right up until the day it closed, up to the day the bulldozers came. He won't talk about it very much but this place was his home when his house wasn't. He fought hard for this place, the place no one else cared about, pleading for months, with the major, Fred Andrew, with anyone who would listen and had anything to do with it, but he lost. He asked me what we should watch on closing night and he took up my suggestion which was, ironically, rebel without a cause. But he wasn't down there watching the movie like everyone else, he was watching from where he always sat. God, that feels like such a long time ago. Like a whole lifetime ago."

Betty said softly, feeling like if she spoke too loudly she would awaken the past. Jellybean thought about what she'd said and agreed. Five years ago had been a different life for her too, she'd returned to the same place and found it the same as she'd left it. Same houses, same people, same signs, only not quite. Look closer and you could see the changes, the people in the small town were on edge and terrified, homes were tense and incomplete, and people didn't live in the same houses they used to, lies were like nooses around peoples necks, so close to killing them. It was so different from what she'd left behind her. She tried not to think about it too much and sighed audibly.

"Should we go?"

She asked innocently, making sure her voice didn't betray her inner doubts and swirls of emotion. She was filled with the sudden need to get out of this place that used to be so full of joy but had turned into nothing but a hollow, empty place.

Betty nodded and pulled on her helmet, leaning forward, hands gripping the bike's handles. Jellybean followed suit, putting on her helmet and holding on to Betty's waist again. The two took off into town again, the setting sun following them on their way.

Jughead only started driving once he was completely sure the attack had subsided. He wasn't sure what he would do about his reappearing panic attack but for now, he wanted to get a cup of coffee, sit in a comfortable booth at Pop's and write more of his book. He could text Betty once he got there he decided and drove out into the road, joining the traffic with no idea what Pop's would hold, or who.