A/N: Oh my gosh, guys, it's been a while...again. I'm so sorry!! RL is a bitch sometimes, though, you know?

Hope you enjoy the chapter, as I've been working on it for a month. :)

The following two weeks was a hazy blur of Jasper, schoolwork, Bella and Alice being bitches by dropping innuendos at every opportunity, Jessica being obliviously confused, and a lot more Jasper. I was still grounded, so Esme didn't know that he was sneaking in through my window almost every other night. We still got together at his house (and other extremely secluded locations), but not as much as I'd have liked. I was busy getting my grades up so I'd be ungrounded.

And then, thank God, I got my report card. All my grades were higher than eighty-five.

Esme was obviously ecstatic to hear it, so she granted me my freedom and trapped me in a crushing hug.

"Mom," I choked. "Ow."

She loosened her grip apologetically. "Sorry, sweetie. This just hasn't happened in a really long… Oh!" She gasped. "We can have a little party for you! Or maybe—"

"No." I gently pushed her away. "Seriously, it's just school."

She sighed. "All right. I suppose you want to go see your girlfriend now."

I blinked, startled. "My girlfriend?"

"Jessica," she clarified. "Or is it Bella? Come on, Edward, you're always being so secretive when you leave the house…"

I shook my head immediately, horrified that she thought I was with one of them. "No, no way. I definitely do not have a girlfriend." I hoped it escaped her notice that I accidentally put emphasis on the girl part.

Esme rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say." Her expression turned contemplative for a moment, and then she asked, "Where are you going?"

"Jasper's."

She squinted. "Are you lying?"

"No," I chuckled dryly. "If anything, I'm telling you way too much."

As soon as I said it, I regretted it.

"Hmm…" She tapped her fingernails on the counter beside her. "So you mean to tell me that whenever Jasper picks you up, you're with him? The whole time?"

I wanted to lie to her, but I sucked at that, so I settled for nodding.

Looking far too suspicious for me to be comfortable with, she said, "Be back by eight." She dangled my car keys in front of me.

I tore them from her hands, grinning broadly. "Thanks, Mom!" I pecked her on the cheek and flew out the door.

She totally didn't believe me.

"You wanna go see that new movie this weekend? I forgot what it's called, but it's a romantic comedy…"

I cleared my throat. "Uh…can't. Sorry, Jess. Made plans already."

Recently, Jazz and I had taken to eating lunch with Jessica and Bella. It usually went smoothly, but for some reason, Jessica was unrelenting today; fluttering her eyelashes, sticking out her chest…it was all a bit disturbing, not to mention more difficult to keep our secret. Nearly out of patience, I wondered why we were keeping in a secret in the first place.

Meanwhile, she pretended she wasn't upset, covering her downtrodden look by plastering on a fake smile. "Oh, that's fine. Really."

What was I supposed to say to that? Sorry, but I have a boyfriend. Oh, oops…I guess I forgot to mention that I'm into dick.

That would be why it was a secret.

"Really, I'm sorry."

Jessica snorted and waved a hand, as if she couldn't give two shits. "Maybe next time. Hey, I'll be right back." She darted out of the cafeteria.

Bella frowned at the retreating back of her best friend, then leaned over the table to mutter, "You guys should tell her. It would clear up a lot of confusion."

"Confusion?"

"She thinks she's being annoying," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Got that right," grumbled Jasper. I elbowed him.

"And she's always wanted a gay friend," said Bella, shrugging.

The sudden burning sensation on my cheeks had nothing to do with Jessica's one-sided infatuation with me—it was the fact that Bella had said gay. Out loud. Where anyone could've heard her. I was seized by a sudden, urgent need to deny anything I'd ever confirmed to her about Jasper and me.

"I'm not gay," I hissed.

She raised an eyebrow. Jasper stiffened beside me, then scoffed.

"You seemed pretty gay last night with your hands all over my—"

"Really," I insisted, interrupting him with a burst of inspiration. "It's…it's just Jazz. He's the only guy I'm into."

Bella's brow puckered. "So you still like girls?"

"Yeah," I said with a crooked smirk. I refused to look at him, but I could almost feel that Jasper was pissed. Really pissed.

"Edward," she groaned. "Jessica really likes you!"

I nodded slowly. Where was she going with this? Was she suggesting I appease Jess by telling her I felt the same, then make up some bullshit excuse about not being able to handle a relationship at the present time?

…Because I may or may not have already considered it. And decided it was a douchebag move.

"And?" I asked.

"I don't know," she sighed. "I just…I don't know. I'm sick of hearing her talk about you, that's all. I've been trying to kind of steer her towards Mike Newton, but she's like, really adamant that you feel something for her."

I cringed.

"I tried! I really did," promised Bella. "I told her there's no chance in hell you like her as more than a friend. Cruel but…necessary, I guess. And then I thought, 'oh, if he tells her he's not into girls at all, then she'll back off.' But now you say you're actually straight…or bi, or whatever... This isn't going to work, guys."

Jasper hadn't moved or said a word throughout Bella's entire speech. It worried me, because he was normally the voice of reason in these matters. That and he usually leapt at the chance of getting rid of 'that Stanley chick'. But he was still angry with me. Guess I couldn't blame him.

While Bella stared at her tray of untouched food, Jessica decided it was a good time to come back. Judging by her expression, she was irritated that we were having a conversation without her.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

We all uttered a quick, "Nothing."

"What the fuck was that?" Jasper growled in my ear after lunch. "You're not gay, huh?"

I wanted to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, or kiss his forehead, or embrace him—anything to make sure he knew that I hadn't meant to say that. But I couldn't. Not here in the hallway, where everyone could see.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I just…I dunno, I felt exposed, okay? I mean, you have to understand…to an extent…"

He huffed, stopping in his tracks for a brief moment. Thinking. It wasn't until he picked up his pace again that he said quietly, "Yeah. I get it."

I sighed with relief. "Thanks," I said, hoping the way I was looking at him could convey everything I was too afraid to say out loud. He smiled—that one smile that was only for me, the one that seemed to light up everything around him—so I figured it had.

The remainder of the walk to Biology was spent in one of those thoughtful silences, ignoring the voices around us and thinking my own thoughts, analyzing them. I had an inkling Jasper might've been doing the same, though I had no basis to prove that on except for the fact that we felt in tune.

And he was still pissed.

Upon reaching the classroom, Jasper and I took our normal seats beside each other. It was convenient because we could usually get away with a lot of talking and goofing around, being the only two students occupying the back row. But today, I felt like it would be a lot quieter, combining Jasper's disappointment and my own guilt.

Amazingly, Jasper turned to look at me, wearing a small, hesitant smile.

I returned it, equally as tentative.

Then Mr. Banner straightened up in his desk chair and cleared his throat. Gradually, the room fell silent.

"We'll be watching a movie this class—"

That's all it took for the room to explode in excited chatter. Everyone loved to get away from his painfully boring lectures. Mr. Banner cleared his throat again, louder, but I was sure only Jasper and I had heard it. After that he tried a relatively louder "Excuse me!" but it had no effect. I almost pitied the man, having no control over his class. Somewhere deep, deep inside of me, I felt the beginnings of empathy.

After hastily rummaging through his desk drawer and passing out a study guide, Mr. Banner prepared the video and flicked off the lights. I wondered for the millionth time why he'd chosen teaching as a profession. He wasn't very good at it.

But those thoughts soon evaporated as new ones took their place: Jasper was sitting much closer than he usually did. It wasn't as if anyone could see us, being so far back with the room so dark. If I moved my leg just so, our calves would align… It was the warmth of him that had me slightly frustrated. And it was so tantalizing. I was less than an inch from touching him…

No one would see.

But did he want that?

I was torn between giving up and making a move. It shouldn't have been this way—I was his boyfriend, after all—but I was a paranoid, closeted homosexual.

And without consciously making the decision to do so, our legs were pressed against each other's. The spark that shot through my entire body was enough to let my eyelids slide shut, and I began drawing in deeper breaths. I needed to be closer. But I was paralyzed by the fear of being caught.

Maybe if I could grab his hand and hold it underneath the table…

I risked a quick glance in Jasper's direction. His eyes stayed fixated on the screen, but he was off somewhere in the distance. Daydreaming? Ridiculously, I wondered if he ever daydreamed about me.

Stop being such a fucking girl.

It was only then when I noticed his hands. They were curled into tight fists, one resting on each of his thighs. I looked back up at his face and finally could identify the tension there. It's not as if it was outwardly tense—calm, level, even. Too even. Maybe this was freaking him out…but no, his foot just then hooked around my ankle, pulling me closer. My breath hitched and became increasingly irregular from that point on. I needed him closer, closer—close enough to melt into his side, melt into him entirely. And now I was almost painfully hard, but this didn't feel like a purely sexual desire. It was more…abstract. Innocent, even. Just to be connected as one whole.

The desire turned considerably less innocent as I thought of the only way I knew two men could, ahem…connect. My face and the tips of my ears burned. Because I liked to torture myself, I stole another glance at Jasper. His hands were no longer in his lap—rather, his arms were crossed tightly across his chest. The fists remained.

I copied his posture. We remained that way for the remained of the period, even through a particularly cruel ten minutes where I'd wanted to slide my hand up his thigh. And because I was in fact a paranoid, closeted homosexual, I made sure we untangled our legs before the movie was shut off.

"That was interesting," said Jasper, looking both disoriented and pensive.

"Yeah," I agreed breathlessly. "Really interesting."

Of course we weren't talking about the movie.

99% of myself firmly believed that neither of us watched a second of it.

"I think we spend too much time alone."

My stomach lurched and my heart clenched painfully. Did he not want to do this anymore? Was I doing something wrong?

Before I could say anything out loud, his fingers stroked my forearm and he kissed my temple.

"No," he murmured, laughing quietly. "That's not what I meant."

I wasn't sure whether to feel hurt or confused, so I didn't say anything. It probably would've been smart to get out of the car at this point, since we'd pulled into my driveway five minutes ago, but that would mean talking about earlier. Right now, it was warm and safe and comfortable, and neither of us was willing to bring it up.

"Uh…" I stuttered.

Jasper sighed, alerting me of the serious conversation I wanted to avoid but couldn't, and we climbed out of the car. Stealing toward the front door, his hand brushed the top of mine gently, leaving a trail of pleasant tingles. Trying to comfort me.

"I mean…" He paused thoughtfully, then said much quieter, "I'm worried. About you. Us."

"Why?"

"We need to get out," he said, sighing. "Like real couples, y'know?"

I was silent. Not that I hadn't occasionally thought about it in a dreamy stupor during class, but I never considered the fact that Jasper was thinking the same thing.

"Yeah," I said slowly. "I know."

The hand descending upon the doorknob froze. His head turned to me, face glowing but disbelieving.

"You…you think it's a good idea?"

I grinned to hide my rising panic. "Sure I do."

If Jasper's following glare wasn't evidence of his skepticism, it was the way he said, "So you'd be comfortable holding my hand in public."

I felt myself turning red. "Well…maybe we could be discreet."

"Discreet." His voice was flat.

"Yeah," I said encouragingly. "I want to go on a date with you…but I don't want to wave around a rainbow flag in everyone's face."

He rolled his eyes. "Sure, whatever."

We settled into the couch. I knew Jasper still had things on his mind, but I wouldn't push him to say it. I still felt semi-guilty about pushing him so hard to admit he's gay.

"You can say it out loud," he said quietly. "I know. I'm brooding."

I let out a gentle laugh, but it mostly felt unwelcome in this particular atmosphere. Instead, my face fell. He was disappointed.

"I'm sorry, Jasper."

"I know," he said shortly. "We don't need to talk about it if you don't want to."

The thick silence was unbearable. His mouth opened after a few minutes to say something else, but I leaned over and kissed him. After another few minutes, our faces were flushed and Jasper was smiling.

"You know," I said impulsively, "I'm really glad you chose me instead of someone like Emmett."

The smile slid off his face to be replaced with a bemused expression. "Emmett McCarty?"

"What other Emmett is there?"

Jasper nodded slowly. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, I decided too late afterwards.

Even so, I couldn't help but embarrassing myself further. "So you, uh…you think he's…hot?"

He cleared his throat. Hesitated. "Um. Well…yeah. I guess."

"Oh," I said, trying really hard to not sound crestfallen.

He rolled his eyes. "I still like you better. Way better."

Our eyes met, and we both allowed ourselves a small smile.

"Good."

"Why would you even ask?"

I blushed and looked down. Suddenly, the patterns in the carpet were captivating. "I used to think you liked him."

Jasper laughed, louder than I thought he would, giving me a start. He sighed and brushed a lock of hair behind my ear.

"Brunettes aren't my type," he told me as though it should've been the most obvious thing in the world. "I like redheads."

I smiled a little. "I'd like to think of it as bronze."

"Really?" he asked flatly, arching an eyebrow. "Looks red to me. If you wanna get all descriptive, I guess I'd say copper."

Why did everyone say that?

"Well, I'd rather not be compared with a penny. They're worth almost nothing."

"It's not like I can compare you to sixty-trillion dollars in cash," he pointed out. "Unless…" He squinted a little and looked into my eyes. Then he laughed softly and leaned in to kiss me.

As much as I would've loved to feel the sensation of Jasper's lips sliding against my own, he was making no sense.

"Huh?"

He grinned. "Your eyes are green, stupid-ass." His eyes burrowed into mine again for a much longer time than they usually would, and his smile softened, then fell. "I think…maybe I could stare into them forever," he admitted, turning a brilliant shade of red.

I really didn't get it. My eyes were nothing special, but I supposed they got the job done. Kind of boring, dull…lifeless.

Jasper made a displeased noise, as if he knew just what I was thinking.

"Do you see yourself at all?" he accused in a fierce whisper. His thumb stroked my jaw. Still maintaining eye contact, he whispered, "You're sort of—well, beautiful…" and pulled me in for a slow, intense kiss.

No one had ever called me beautiful.

Then something rose in my chest, light and heavy at the same time, singing and flying—soaring. It tore from inside, rushing up and pouring out in torrents and kept mounting until I couldn't do a thing to keep shoving it down. Words I couldn't quite discern bubbled up in my throat, but nothing came out. And whatever this was, I didn't want it to go away, even though it was sort of scary and unsure…

Jasper stared down at the floor, almost looking shy, not able to meet my eyes but wanting to at the same time—

The words made sense now.

I love you, I wanted to say. I love you. I love you I love you I love you. I love love love love you…

I kept silent.

"Port Angeles?"

"Kids from school are gonna be there."

"Seattle."

"Hell of a drive…"

"Edward, do you want to go on a date with me?"

"Clearly."

"Then fucking cooperate."

"Yes, sir."

"Alright, what about Olympia?"

"But that's the same dist—"

Jasper glared and there was a long pause.

"Uh, I mean…sure."

So that's how we ended up in the car for three hours with nothing to do. Of course, we had the option of entertaining ourselves with meaningless chatter, but after a while without food (Jasper wouldn't even stop at McDonald's—he swore by this one restaurant he made reservations for), the sound of my own voice irritated me. Jazz just laughed, patted my head condescendingly, and told me how cute it was that I got grumpy when I was hungry.

I did not find it cute. I found it frustrating.

But I quickly discovered that the starvation was definitely worth it—the food at the restaurant was good. And I mean really good. I tried to pay the bill, but Jasper slapped my hand away and paid it instead. I was thankful afterwards, because I was dead broke. We left full and content, off to the movie theater. Neither of us knew which movie we wanted to watch, but it didn't actually matter; I was just glad we were fulfilling the obligatory dinner-and-a-movie date that all couples must do.

That's when everything started to go straight to hell.

I couldn't remember the name of the film, but it had a lot of zombies eating people. That was not what I was focusing on, though—it was the way Jasper's hand on the armrest, just…there for me to grab. My hand lifted off my thigh, but dropped back down just as swiftly. I couldn't. There was a group of girls sitting three seats away from us, whispering to each other and giggling when the opportunity presented itself. They were loud enough that half the theater could hear them, and a few people shushed them angrily. If they saw us holding hands…everyone would know about it. It didn't even help much to think that I didn't know these people; I could only think of their immediate reaction. The disgust, the ridicule…

Then, abruptly, Jasper's hand covered mine. With a surge of fear and alarm, I withdrew it.

"No one is gonna see," he said in a wounded, pleading whisper.

"But what if they do?" I hissed back. "Then what?"

"We don't even know these people."

I didn't have an answer for that. We watched the rest of the movie in a tense silence.

Afterwards, we didn't linger. We clambered back into the car, and Jasper was debating as to whether or not it was necessary to buy Rosalie's birthday present today.

"Why not?" I figured. "It's still pretty early, and the mall is only a couple miles away."

"Yeah," he muttered. "Guess so. Even if it isn't till August…"

I thought it was kind of cute, how he was buying his sister a present seven months in advance. Rosalie might have been a bitch, to put it bluntly, but Jazz loved her.

"You know," I teased, "I feel like I should get you a birthday present, too, now."

"Why?" he snorted.

"You're getting Rose something, and you and her have the same birthday—"

"No," he laughed, cutting me off. "Seriously, don't. I'll want something completely different by summer, anyway."

I thought about it, and in the end, he was probably right.

"Fine. Doesn't matter, 'cause I have no cash."

"Good thing, too. I have a feeling that if you did, you'd spoil me rotten."

I flashed a bright grin. "You know me so well."

Though the conversation was light, I still felt the underlying tension I'd struggled to leave behind at the theater. I knew I was in the wrong by hiding our relationship, and my behavior wasn't fair to him…but apparently I'd turned into a coward. Slightly bitter, I wondered where the Edward that faced things head-on had gone.

After window-shopping for over two hours, Jasper and I were ready to pass out from exhaustion. We eventually stopped outside of a random store and leaned against the wall.

"Why the fuck are girls so difficult?" he hissed to himself. "This was a bad idea. Now I'm gonna drive myself insane—"

"Jazz, you don't have to rush," I soothed. I longed to touch him in some way, but couldn't… This situation seemed to be cropping up a lot recently. "It's seven months away."

"Yeah, I guess." He sighed and scooted closer to me.

I drew back and tensed.

"You're so difficult, Edward, you know that?"

"Sorry," I muttered.

"You know," he continued as if he hadn't heard me, "sometimes I wish we didn't have to talk about our feelings. I wish they could just be projected in some way—like you could just know what I'm feeling."

"Sometimes I do. Actually, I usually do."

He sighed. "No. I don't think so."

"What do you mean?" I asked slowly. "Is there…is there something you wanted to talk about?"

I knew this was it for me. I wasn't able to run anymore.

Meanwhile, Jasper looked as though he was having some internal war within himself. My dread spiked as he eventually seemed to come to a conclusion.

This was it.

"Edward," he said firmly, "I want you to kiss me."

My initial reaction was surprise. That wasn't what I'd expected…but still…

"What?" I demanded. "Here? Are you insane? There are…there are people!"

He sighed, bringing his thumb and forefinger up to the bridge of his nose, a habit he'd somehow acquired from me. "I know," he said through gritted teeth.

"Jazz, c'mon, don't be stupid."

"I'm not being stupid."

"This isn't easy, you know," I growled.

"So…what?" he exclaimed, throwing his arms up in exasperation. "Is this how it's gonna be, just—just hiding from everyone? You're supposed to be coming out of the closet, not getting back in it!"

"I just need some time, I thought you understood—"

"So I'm just your dirty little secret, huh?"

"No! Jasper, please," I begged. "I just need time to wrap my head around it. I…I love you, alright? There, I fucking said it. I love you."

His eyes were wide and blank with shock, but he composed himself after a moment. The anger in his eyes turned to something of anguish. "Then kiss me," he whispered.

I looked around at everyone surrounding us; so many wandering eyes…mouths that could spread the word…

"No," I murmured.

The single word looked as if it'd burnt Jasper. He flinched, and his eyes tightened as he ran a hand through his hair. "Oh," he breathed. "It's not that you won't…it's that you can't. Isn't it?"

My gaze dropped to the floor. I attempted to swallow the lump in my throat and fought to conceal my pained expression.

"I'm sorry," I rasped, closing my eyes tightly.

He exhaled tremulously and sank down to sit on the nearest bench. After gathering the absolute mess I'd recently turned into—not completely, but enough for Jasper to see my face—I turned around to join him.

His head was in his hands. He wouldn't even look at me. "I don't believe this," he muttered. He lifted his head; his eyes were red-rimmed. "I tried not to push you. I tried being fucking patient. But you won't let me help you, so what am I supposed to do?"

"You don't have to do anything," I insisted, but it sounded like pleading. "Eventually—"

He cut me off. "Eventually?" he repeated, sounding skeptical. "When is that, exactly? When we graduate?"

"No! I mean I…I don't know, okay?"

His face was turning red, and I could see that he was trying to rein in his temper by taking steady, slow breaths.

"Look," he said in a low, subdued voice. "As much as I hate to admit it, I deserve better than you.

I drew in a sharp breath. It was like a gigantic kick in the stomach. I just nodded, as though I'd realized it before. I hadn't, though; I'd been selfish.

"I deserve to be in a relationship like that…" His eyes drifted to a man and a woman a few yards away, holding each other, kissing, like it was the most natural thing in the world. "Look at them," he whispered. "I want to be like them."

Now the tears began to make their appearance. I couldn't do a thing to stop it. "I-I'll find a way," I stuttered, feeling shaken. "I mean, this is the first time you've asked me to do something like that, and last time Bella caught us, so I just need some more time—you're overreacting—"

"Overreacting?" he echoed incredulously. "I ask you to do one thing, and you… It's like you don't even know who you are! You told Bella you're not gay. You've probably spent all this time denying it, even though you're with me! Jesus fucking Christ, don't you know how…insignificant that makes me feel? Like you're just experimenting or some shit?"

Without allowing myself to decide whether or not I cared if someone saw, tears ran down my face. "I'm not," I choked. "I love you."

I said that last part much more quietly. It was comical, the way I still cared if people could hear our conversation.

"I love you too," he whispered. "That's why this is so hard."

My heart should have been soaring at his declaration, but instead, I felt a slow, urgent dread creeping up inside me. His tone was filled with foreboding.

"Don't," I pleaded in a hardly audible whisper. "We can work this out, I promise."

He barked out a harsh, bitter laugh. "Edward, that's the problem. We don't have to work out anything. It's you. It's all you. I dealt with this shit beforehand, and you just fucking pushed it all to the back of your mind! How is that gonna help anything, huh?"

I wasn't sure if he expected an answer, but I didn't have anything left in me. I numbly stared ahead.

"And now it's all blowing up in your face…" he trailed off.

I still felt frozen.

Quite abruptly, he stood up and declared, "Fuck this shit. I'm leaving. You can either come with me or call for a fucking ride." Then he walked away at a brisk pace.

It took me a few seconds to realize that I should follow. I did, though I had to run to catch up.

The ride home was tense and wordless. He dropped me off at my house, met my eyes with a hard gaze, and drove away the minute I slammed the door shut.

All this was too much.

A/N: Reviews would be pretty awesome... :)