Saturday, January 6th

School reopening has been postponed until the eleventh so that everyone who knew Terry can go to her funeral on Monday.

I can't believe she's gone. She was my age and she's just...gone.

Oh God, I'm going to start crying again.

I called her house this afternoon to talk to her and her mom told me she was found in the bathtub this morning. Everyone is saying she slashed her wrists in a fit of severe depression.

I can't believe that. I just can't.

I talked to her two days ago and she sounded just fine. Better than fine in fact. She said she was almost done with the first half of her history report and had found a bunch of new leads for a piece on a serial killer from Ohio that would spice it up.

She sounded so excited about it when she called me and now they're saying she killed herself.

I'm going to go over to her house and offer my condolances to her parents. I'm probably one of the only people who actually knew her well enough to care that she's dead. To everyone else this is probably just an excuse to stay out of school a couple of extra days.

Bastards.

Damn it. I'm crying again.

Why would she kill herself? That's what I can't wrap my head around. She wasn't a depressed person (well, no more so than me) so why?

I mean...yeah, she had a really dark, morbid sense of humor and had a fascination with the more macabre side of life...but that doesn't mean she was suicidal. Her parents broke up but I mean...so did mine. I didn't kill myself.

And she was so happy the last time I talked to her...

I think something about this isn't quite right.

-

Monday, January 8th

If she slashed her wrists, why was it a closed casket service? I know for a fact that Terry wanted an open casket funeral. She used to say she imagined people standing over her, all creeped out.

She'd say that and then laugh about it.

Terry's never going to laugh again.

I miss her so badly.

I almost wish they'd had an open casket service just so I could see her one more time.

Does that sound morbid? I guess it does...but I think it would have given me a little more closure than the closed casket.

Mom's been trying to be sympathetic, but I think she feels guilty for blasting Terry now that she's gone. I mean, was it really less than a week ago that she was blaming my partying on my 'goth' friend?

It seems like another lifetime, not seven days ago...

I guess that shows just how quickly your whole world can change.

I hate this. Everything just feels so...

I can't even think of a word for it.

Raw, I guess is as close as I can come to describing it. My nerves are just raw. The entire universe seems to be turned up and everything is in technicolor in comparison to how it was before. I just...

My chest feels all...

I don't know.

I need to go lie down.

And cry...crying might help.

Thursday, January 11th

School started again today.

Mom called in and told them I'm sick.

I'm not sick. Not in the traditional sense, anyway. I'm heartsick pretty bad, though. Terry was one of the only real friends I made here and I just couldn't face going to history class and seeing her empty chair.

I can't face the reality of it yet. Leah called to check on me and we've agreed to go to the cemetery together later to say goodbye...

I think she needs to do this as much as I do. Terry was kinda a loner and I get the impression from the small group that was at the wake (she was Irish...I didn't know that until now) we were some of her only close friends.

Mom doesn't know what to do with me, I think. She's never been good with dealing with grief. When nana died she kinda bottled it up inside rather than deal with it and threw herself into her work. Dad's the one who helped me through it that time. Back before he turned into such a jerk, of course.

Sometimes I miss him but then I remember he wasn't what he pretended to be. He was the perfect father in front of the rest of the world...

I don't want to think about it. I've got to do something to take my mind off all this. If I keep it up it's going to drive me crazy.

Sunday, January 14th

I finished writing the first half of my report, from the founding of Springwood to the nineteen fifties is done. Even slapped some polish on it. I just sat in my room and worked on it all weekend to keep my mind off things. I haven't slept the whole time either.

I think I'm picking up mom's work ethic. Work nonstop just to keep my mind occupied.

Now I'm stuck without anything to do until tomorrow morning when I go back to school so I'm just laying here on my bed, writing in you. If the library was open I could be doing some searching for Loretta's picture in the high school year books, but it's too late in the day. After spending so much time with those books, I find I really like them a lot. Everything looks so much better.

It's like the photograph of F.K. Everything looks so perfect and picturesque. I almost wish I lived there.