Chapter Ten

LILY

Lily shivered and pulled her cloak around her tighter as she watched the distant house from behind a cluster of dense bushes. It was freezing out, and although she had placed a warming charm on her cloak earlier, she didn't dare increase it's strength now for fear of being overheard. The house itself was more of a run down shack really, but she could see a light on in one of the windows, and the fact that it was based in the middle of a secluded wood meant that it was the perfect spot for a hide-out of any kind - but especially one of sinister intent.

It was the third time she had been on watch alone since the surveillance mission began, and although she still didn't enjoy it one bit, she admitted rather sulkily to herself that she would have really preferred to have company on such a freezing night like this. Even if it was only for thirty minutes. The test she was going through was quite a lonely one when you only had yourself, the falling snow, and a far off view of the arriving and departing Death Eaters to distract yourself with.

A distant pop made her lift her head quickly and turn her attention back to the house. Two figures had suddenly appeared at the opposite side of the clearing in which the little house was positioned, and were trudging their way through the snow towards the front door. They didn't appear to be in any particular hurry, nor did they take the time to check their surroundings. Lily quickly pulled out her parchment and quill and made a note of the time, and watched again keenly as two different figures emerged from the door of the shack, briefly spoke with the approaching two, and then apparated away whilst the first two went inside. It was clearly a changeover of some kind, and although she had no idea what it was about, she dutifully wrote down as many details as she could, frustrated though she was that she couldn't see any faces, nor recognize any traits from any of them which might prove more useful.

A twig snapped behind her and she whirled around, wand at the ready. The woods behind her were dark and gloomy, despite the light from the waxing moon above her. She stared into the shadows behind the gnarly trees and willed herself to see anything, but there was no one there. She inwardly cursed herself for being so jumpy, despite the fact that anyone would have felt creeped out crouching in a snow covered clearing in the middle of the night, and she stood still, watching the trees for a minute longer. When she was satisifed that there was no movement except from the little puffs of steam coming from her own mouth as she exhaled in the cold, she turned back around and crouched behind the bushes once more before quickly checking her watch for the time. Her replacement should be there any moment, so she tried to calm her nerves so that she wouldn't attack whomever it was when they arrived.

It was, as it turns out, Benji and Dorcas. They approached quietly two minutes later, grimacing as their feet crunched with each step.

"It's so dangerous to be doing changeovers like this!" Dorcas hissed, clearly out of sorts. Lily nodded but stayed quiet. She had learned that Dorcas was a woman who needed sleep, and that the surveillance mission was not doing her mood any favours due to the increased hours of wakefulness she now had to fit into her week. Benji however, also looked strained this particular night.

"It's impossible to approach without any noise, and time consuming to remove footprints from the snow." he whispered in agreement. "It took us 10 minutes to get here from the apparating point because we had to be so careful, when it really should only have taken 2."

Lily rolled up her parchment and wrapped her scarf firmly around her neck.

"Well if it took you that long, I'd better get a move on then! I have an early start tomorrow." she whispered apologetically. They waved goodbye at her and cast disillusionment charms on each other, before settling down in Lily's position behind the bushes. Lily turned on her heel and, stopping every minute or so to remove the traces of her footprints from behind her, she made her way to the safe zone for apparating, and turned on the spot, arriving promptly in front of her flat's door as she did so.

The following day, Lily unfortunately had to renege on her promise to Moody, as she hurried into the office two minutes late. She had finally managed to curl up into her bed at 4am, but the reduced amount of sleep she'd had of late had caught up with her, and she found herself sluggish and worn down. She felt Moody's eyes follow her as she quickly moved to her desk but when she turned to meet his eye, he merely raised his eyebrows and went back into his office. Lily decided that even Moody had to have sympathy for a team who were working around the clock - and for that, she was very grateful.

She stifled a yawn as she took off her travelling cloak and hung it on the hook behind her, and glanced in front of her towards James' desk. What she saw there shocked her, and she started, her jaw dropping open.

He was slumped over it's surface, and looked so drained that his skin was practically grey. His robes were creased, his hair was untidy (untidier than usual she conceded) and he looked as if he had been running double the surveillance shifts that anyone else had been. The James Potter Lily knew would never have let himself look anything less than perfect, and in fact had often gone to great pains to make sure that he did appear perfect - constantly roughing up his hair to appear windswept, and frequently glancing about himself to see how many witches in the vicinity had their attention trained on him. It was therefore a shock to see him looking so run down. The man in front of her was, simply put, exhausted. His eyes were currently closed, and his chin rested in the palm of one of his hands, propped up by his elbow. As Lily watched, he let out a small snore, and she realised that he had actually fallen asleep at his desk.

"Potter!" bellowed Moody's voice from somewhere behind Lily. James' elbow slipped off of his desk in surprise and his entire body started as he was jolted awake. He whipped his wand out of his robes as though to attack someone and jumped to his feet, much to the amusement of a MLE witch who happened to be walking past. Lily scowled at her and then remembered that she didn't like James much at the moment, and promptly looked at her desk, forcing her attention away.

James' eyes refocused and he sheepishly put his wand back into his robes as Moody approached.

"What's wrong with you this morning Potter? You look as if you've barely slept! You weren't on watch last night were you?" Moody asked as he limped over.

James shook his head and cleared his throat.

"No, I wasn't on watch." he said, his voice hoarse. "I just... uh... haven't been sleeping well." he finished. Moody looked as though he believed him as much as Lily (who was watching furtively from behind a Ministry Flyer she was pretending to read) did, which was to say, not at all. He obviously decided not to press the matter further though as he surveyed James' untidy appearance and bloodshot eyes, and continued as though nothing was out of the ordinary.

"I need your latest update Potter. Your most recent watch notes aren't in my office, and I want to compare them to the report you've been working on."

James nodded and started rifling through his desk drawers.

"Sorry, I must have forgotten to add them. Here they are." he pulled out a piece of parchment with an untidy scrawl littered across its surface and handed it to Moody after folding it. Moody took it and grunted in thanks. He then looked at James more keenly, properly taking in the depth of his weariness.

"Really Potter, what's going on?"

James straightened and a hardened look appeared on his face.

"Nothing you will help with, sir." he said shortly, meeting Moody's eye. Moody seemed to take some understanding from his statement but said nothing. He turned and went to walk back into his office, but not before barking: "Leave early today Potter, get some rest."

James sunk back into his chair, watching Moody return to his office with that same, hard look on his features, before running a hand over his face and shaking his head quickly as though to throw the sleepiness off.

Lily went back to reading the flyer so as to not appear nosy, but was brought out of her concentration only a few moments later.

"Evans?" James began, almost timidly.

Lily looked up at him. He was still seated at his desk, but was regarding her quite intently.

"Are we still on for some more training tonight, or do you need some rest?" Was it just Lily, or did his eyes seem to linger on the spot right under her eyes where she was certain dark bags were present. She suddenly felt rather defensive and hot around her collar.

"I'm fine. I can manage as well as anyone." she said quickly, but not unkindly as she remembered that he looked as bad, if not worse than she did. "Um, didn't Moody just say that you were leaving early?" she asked as she looked at the bags under his own eyes.

"No." James responded. There was a pause before he conceded "Well ok, he suggested it. But I'm also fine, so, it's ok." he finished lamely. Lily didn't really believe him, but she had not missed a session with him yet, and was determined to remain up to the task which had been presented to her, so she nodded at him decisively. "Well, if you're up for it, I am."

He grinned. "That's my girl." he said proudly and then immediately paled as he stammered "I mean, uh... well..." he looked at her stricken. Lily found that she was struggling not to laugh at the look on his face.

"It's ok Potter." she said, as she stood, deciding that a coffee was in order. "It's been a little while since you last asked me out. I thought perhaps you'd given up." she straightened her robes as James' smile returned to his face, along with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Hey Evans..."

"No Potter." she interrupted. "As always, it's a no." She turned and walked towards the door, and didn't look back. If she had have, James might have caught a glimpse of the smile he so frequently thought about, as it sneaked its way onto her face.

Later that day, Lily sat in a small shop around the corner from the Ministry's entry point, eating a rather sad looking (but delicious tasting) roast pork bap, and sipping on her third coffee for the day. It was yet another favourite muggle haunt of Lily's, rather unusual in that it was not only off of the wizard's beaten track, but it was also unusually quite for a muggle location as well. It was rather run down from the outside, and the menu was basic, but Lily knew that the staff here were good, kind people, and that the lack of frills did not mean a lack of quality, as every meal she had had there was always undeniably delicious.

She'd refused the offer of company for lunch from Emmeline, who'd said that a few of them were heading out to the Leaky Cauldron for a pint, and had instead decided to walk the two blocks to the small eatery she was now seated in. After the morning she'd had, she felt that she really needed some time to think, and a quiet spot, devoid of wizards and witches seemed like the best place to do that in.

Lily was confused.

The source of her confusion, (the eternal source of her confusion, she thought wryly) was James Potter. Three weeks ago, at the beginning of the surveillance mission, Lily had been determined to hate every smug thing about him. She'd been completely and utterly convinced of his lack of confidence in her and her abilities, and she had set out to prove him wrong. She wanted to pass the test that she believed Moody had set for her with flying colours, and she wanted to show James that she had no need of protection and that she could stand on her own two feet.

Most of that was still true, she mused. With one fairly large difference.

She was no longer convinced that James had no confidence in her, and was therefore utterly conflicted as to how she felt about him. Over the past three weeks he had been kind, encouraging, and more than willing to help Lily at every turn. Indeed, her anxiety over the periods where she was left alone seemed to also become his anxiety, and she had begun to wonder if in fact he was only training her so that he didn't look bad, or, if he genuinely was trying to help.

The look of exhaustion on his features that morning would have told anyone that what James really needed at the moment was a good sleep, but instead of taking Moody's advice (well, direct order really...) and heading home early that afternoon, he had instead offered once more to continue training and helping Lily to be the best that she could be.

Surely someone who was acting on selfish motives wouldn't be so selfless in their undertaking of said actions?

Finishing her bap and placing her plate on the edge of the table for the waitress, Lily sighed deeply and stared out of the window into the dreary day outside. Quite bluntly, she couldn't decide what to do. He still annoyed the hell out of her, and she wasn't sure she fully trusted him yet, but the friendly banter they'd exchanged that morning and the kindness and pride in his voice when he'd said "That's my girl!" had stuck with her, and she couldn't help but feel a small twinge of longing for the beginnings of a friendship they'd started to develop before the announcement of the mission. She liked Emmeline and Benji a lot, and considered them friends as far as colleagues went, and she admired Dorcas greatly - but all of them had been far above her at Hogwarts, and had different memories of their schooling years, and had worked together for far longer. Despite the age difference between James and Lily though, he had never once made her feel excluded from a conversation, and she missed the opportunities to talk and joke about school.

"Get back to work!" her watch shrieked at her from her wrist, and she hurriedly silenced it before glancing around to make sure no muggles had heard. They hadn't, so she left her payment and tip on the table before walking quickly back outside into the cold.

The James Potter predicament would simply have to wait until later.

Later, however, proved to not be the best time to be weighing up kind thoughts about James, as he was positively infuriating her.

"I'm trying!" Lily shouted as she flung herself into a chair in the old court room, effectively declaring her defeat. "It's the one charm I've just never been able to master, ok?!" she admitted angrily to an equally frustrated James who was pacing on the other side of the room.

"But disillusionment charms are absolutely essential for something like this Evans, we've been working on this for ages now, I just don't understand." he responded as he frowned.

They had been practicing performing disillusionment charms on themselves for over an hour, and as Lily could never quite seem to get it without one part of her body shining through as its usual self, they were both starting to get fed up.

"Don't you think that I know that?" Lily retorted. "I know that they're the difference between effective concealment and not, I'm not stupid Potter."

James turned to her angrily.

"It's not just the difference between concealment and not Evans, it's life and death!" he shouted desperately. Lily rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. James glared at her thunderously.

"I mean it Lily." he implored. She ignored him, utterly frustrated.

There was a pause as they both stewed in their own feelings, and then James sighed and walked over to her again.

"Come on Evans, I know you can do this." he said firmly. "Again, try it again."

Lily stood up, glared at him, and tapped her wand (yet again) on the top of her head. The familiar egg-crack sensation spread over her as she willed herself to turn invisible. James watched the progression of the spell with increasingly pursed lips and eventually shook his head and groaned to himself before picking up a traitorous piece of red hair which had failed to disappear.

Lily let out a frustrated, strangled cry and felt herself become completely visible again.

"Why doesn't it work for me!?" she cried.

James shook his head.

"I don't know. I really don't. Your technique is fine, there must be something wrong with the emotional side of it."

Lily looked at him incredulously.

"What do you mean?" she asked him.

James sat in the chair opposite her and rested his wand across his knees.

"You know, you have to truly believe you are invisible. You have to think of a time when you felt as though you couldn't be seen."

Lily couldn't remember it ever having been explained to her in that way. She had always read in text books and research papers that you simply had to will yourself not to be seen, not that there was anything emotional about it.

Unwilling to concede that she might have been doing it wrong, she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"What do you mean?" she asked again, in a small voice. James raised his eyes and regarded her carefully.

"Well, you have to think of a time in your life where you felt unnoticed. That way when you're willing yourself to be invisible, you already have the attitude about you. The spell simply deals with the physical side of things, but of course, physicality means nothing without emotion. It's the same with any complex charm. The Patronus Charm for example, you can't produce that unless you can recall a moment of true happiness."

Lily nodded, thinking.

"Ok, can I try again?" she asked. James raised an eyebrow.

"I don't see why else we're here." he said dryly.

Lily stood and tried to remember all the times when she had felt invisible. Her first day of school, her times at Auror college... she had felt out of place and more than a little insecure on all of those occasion. She tapped herself on the head, eyes closed, remembering. She didn't dare open her eyes at first because she was afraid that it wouldn't work. When she did though, she found James staring at her, exasperatedly but not unkindly.

"I'm afraid whatever memory you chose didn't work. I can see your eyes very clearly." he said apologetically. Lily lifted the charm and started pacing by herself in annoyance.

"Why didn't that work? I did exactly what you said!" she muttered, sounding petulant even to her own ears. James shrugged.

"I'm not sure. What memory were you using?" he asked.

"I just thought of all the times I'd felt invisible, like you said. My first day of school, when I was trying to be a prefect and I didn't think they'd let me because I was muggleborn, when I was in Auror college..." she trailed off at the look on James' face.

"What?" she said, as she stopped pacing and looked at him. He was staring at her as though he couldn't believe what she was saying, with a small smile on his face. He cleared his throat.

"Lily, I think you may have misunderstood what I meant." he said gently. "You weren't really invisible any of those times." Lily stared back at him.

"What do you mean?"

"Well..." he continued. "Those were all times that you were trying to prove yourself. On your first day of school, you were trying to show everyone that being muggleborn didn't make one iota of difference. You were sorted into Gryfindor for Merlin's sake! You definitely weren't invisible then. And at Auror college, you received some of the highest marks anyone has ever received. It's not very common for Moody himself to take someone so young into his team Evans, but you managed to make yourself seen. You even had a recommendation from Dumbledore! And as for your prefect years..." here he stopped and smiled at her. "Well, I of all people know how completely un-invisible you were then." he stuck his hands in his pockets and offered her a boyish grin as he remembered their school time antics.

Lily sat down slowly and struggled to wrap her head around what James had just said. Not invisible? When could you feel invisible if not when you felt like you had to prove yourself? Why else would you feel the need to try?

"I... I'm not sure that I understand." she admitted reluctantly. James sat down next to her.

"You have to think of a time when you felt as though nothing you could do would make you be noticed. Not a time when you were trying so very hard to be visible. Think of a time when perhaps you felt ignored, or unimportant... I know it's not exactly pleasant but it does work." James offered.

"What do you think of then?" she asked him, looking up into his eyes. If there was ever a time that the James Potter felt invisible, Lily thought that would be a good enough example as any to base her own spell casting on.

The smile left James' eyes and he looked at his feet, reddening slightly. "That... doesn't matter." he said quietly. "We need to find a memory for you, not me." he continued.

Lily didn't say anything but continued to study him curiously until he cleared his throat and declared that it was probably time to leave.

"It's been a long night, and I'm sure you're tired after being up late yesterday. Let's try again when we've both had more sleep." he said, picking up his cloak and putting his chair back where it was originally.

Lily stood but didn't start packing up. "Potter, I really think it would be helpful to know what memory you use. I don't feel like I'm really getting what I'm supposed-"

"It doesn't matter, Lily." James interrupted her. "My memory... it just... it doesn't matter." he finished and picked up her chair as she still hadn't moved to do so.

"But I really think it does-"

"I think of you." he finally said, loudly and exasperatedly. He turned and looked at her full in the face. His expression was almost unreadable but something in it made Lily's stomach flip over and made her feel inexplicably sad. "I think of you, saying no to me. Every time I asked." he said softly, taking steps towards her until they were so close Lily could see all the shades of brown in his eyes. "That, was when I have felt most invisible." he said, and he lifted his hands as though to embrace her, but instead placed her travelling cloak in her arms. He offered her a small, sad smile, and walked out of the room without a second glance.

Lily, still too stunned to say anything, stared down at her cloak and struggled with her own thoughts.

James Potter felt invisible because of her?