Week two - Friday 6.15

Phil definitely feels better, not great but better.

Clint had been right to suggest he went back home yesterday. He had slept through most of the day and apart from a phone call about work he had been left completely alone, which in this case had been great. He'd heated himself up some soup in the evening, and had thoroughly enjoyed it, it was only a tin of something he had found in the back of the cupboard but after a couple of days of feeling nauseous whenever he thought of food it was a rare pleasure. He had had a decent enough nights sleep too.

So he felt much more refreshed this morning and although he hadn't really considered not coming in today, because Fridays were a nightmare of rush jobs that needed completion before the weekend, it was a relief that he felt a little more human than yesterday. Plus, he is well aware that he will probably have to come in tomorrow for a couple of hours to catch up or next week will be a hellish backlog.

The paper in his hands is even getting a read this morning, he is already on page three, conscious of the fact he wants to hand over the back three pages and therefore the front three to Clint when he gets on, his eyes have lost that itchy hot feeling and his head is definitely clearer so reading is fine. He'd swallowed a couple of tablets with his breakfast and the fact that he had eaten breakfast was a first in a few days. It all pointed to recovery.

He can't help but turn and look out the window as the train pulls into Clint's station, his eyes searching out for the man, and smiling when he see him. He watches as he climbs on, offering help to a lady that has a suitcase by her side, helping her lift the large case onto the train and allowing the woman to go ahead of him as she pulls the heavy looking case behind her down the aisle. He smiles up at Phil as he sees him sitting in his usual seat.

...

The first words out of Clint's mouth are a rush of questions for Phil, "You look a little better, how do you feel? Shouldn't you have taken another day?" He feels a little embarrassed as he notices Phil opening and closing his mouth trying to get a word in.

"I'm feeling better, thank you, and for yesterday, you were right. A day at home was exactly what I needed."

"You looked pretty grim yesterday. Definitely more colour today," Clint says lamely, thinking he sounds like someone's mother, not his own obviously!

"Um, thanks," Phil looks back embarrassed and Clint swears his colour improves even more.

"Good, good. Sorry no coffee, wasn't sure you would be here this morning and two cups for me would not bode well for my clients," he giggled, enjoying the small quirky smile he got back and felt a little bold, so continues, "Ah, I don't know if you're busy tomorrow," he tries to sound casual, fails miserably of course, " but I wondered whether we could, maybe, met up for a coffee somewhere in the city?"

...

The world has just come tumbling down around him, his ears are ringing, his heart is beating too fast. Clint observes him with such wide innocent eyes and Phil can do nothing but look and look, he knows what a rabbit feels like trapped in headlights now. He panics, it shouldn't be a surprise, not like the surprise that Clint has just sprung on him, internal panic sits on his shoulder like an eternal devil, he stammers out, "I have work tomorrow."

It's disappointment that Phil reads coming off Clint in waves, he can't help but be disappointed in himself as well.

"Oh, okay, that's a shame, another time maybe?" Phil can't help but see the hopeful look to the question. He nods his head without much enthusiasm looking down at his paper. "Sure," he says, it's bad, his bad, and Phil can't quite believe himself turning down the man next to him, who winces at his tone, but he isn't thinking about Clint, he is thinking about himself, because once again he has let himself down.

"Right." Phil feels Clint sag in his chair next to him and feels like an utter shit, which is becoming the norm whenever he's around Clint, he simply resorts to default coward syndrome.

Phil has experience, mostly bad, pretty much terrible, possibly it could be described as disastrous, so it's bound to end badly, so best stop before he even starts. Most of his dates have been struggles for conversation because actually he has little in his life but work and nobody wants to hear about that on a night out, and he really only likes going to places he actually knows, it's pretty pathetic being intimidated by new places and as he looks across at Clint he has the feeling he would feel safe whatever the situation he is in with this man, only makes him curse himself over again for not taking a chance. He has an opportunity to break out of this cycle of insecurity that he has built up over the last decade. If things go badly and Clint realises what a... nervous, no not really he is completely competent at work, socially inept for sure, perhaps personally apprehensive was a better description, probably unlovable in his own opinion. He is sure to drive a partner insane with all the foibles he has picked up since his last relationship. Could he bend? Phil suspected it came down to whether he wanted to. But sitting on this train this morning he had been given just a slight opportunity to push at those high walls he had built so strongly over the years.

Phil had lost his mother a couple of years ago, she had know about his orientation of course, he had made no secret of it since he had been at college, but his mother had never spoken of it to him, he had never known her true feelings towards it. She hadn't made a fuss when she had found out but neither had she really embraced it but she had loved her son nevertheless and he knew she had worried for him. In fact he imagined if she were alive today she would be delighted if he even managed to take a dog home for companionship. His father had died when Phil was but a boy, and she had lived the rest of her life without a partner, still in love with the one she had lost. She had confided in him when she lay dying in her hospital bed that she wished she had gone out and found at least a companion to tell her joys and sorrows to, because those joys and sorrows were meaningless unless they were shared. Yes, she would be pushing him as hard as she could right now.

He feebly offers the sports page, a relief washes over him when Clint takes it, but his heart sinks at the doleful thanks that come back.

It seems wonder of wonders that Clint actually wants to get to know him! Phil has a surge of feeling that he hasn't felt in such a long time, somebody actually wants him, no strings attached, it's not a work colleague trying to work their way up the ladder faster, it's not a neighbour that feels obliged to invite him to the buildings social BBQ, he had only attended one of those, sitting in the corner and smiled every time one of the many couples came near, there hadn't been one single person there, he had felt like a goldfish swimming round a bag at the fair.

But hell, he turned Clint down and now they both seem to be miserable. Neither speaks throughout whole trip and Phil feels as uncomfortable as he did the first time Clint had sat next to him. But this time there is no one to blame but himself.

The train starts to slow for the last stop, and Clint hands the paper back to him, a small smile of regret still marring his face.

Phil takes a chance, for once in his detached, empty life, he takes a chance.

"Can I change my mind?"

"What?" Clint asks.

"Tomorrow? I do have to work but I could cut it down to a couple of hours." He waits for an answer but his nerves win out, "If you still want to, I mean it's fine if you don't..."

...

Oh my god! Funky chickens galore! He has a compulsion to get up and do the David Brent dance. He won't of course, Nat would seriously take him down if he did that!

"No, I definitely still want to," Clint smiles hope sparkling his eyes once more, "Um, will you be on the same train in the morning?"

Phil pulls a face as if he hates the fact that yes, Clint is completely right and he will be on the same train, as usual, but nods.

"How about we meet up on the train, go and have breakfast somewhere, you can then go off to work and we could maybe," Clint queried, wondering if he is pushing his luck or overwhelming Phil, but fuck he is actually excited about this, "Meet up again for lunch? If you have the time, of course."

Clint watches as Phil looks surprised, the little frown he has been carrying round since Clint first asked him out dissipates a little, and Phil actually smiles as if he approves before confessing softly, "I'd like that, thank you."

"It's a date then," and both of them gulp at the words, but Phil nods his head again shyly.

The train comes to a complete stop and the other passengers disembark before either men get up, and then they do so together.

Before stepping away Clint turns and reassures, "So I'll meet you on the train same time tomorrow?"

Phil smiles as well, "Same time."

"I'm looking forward to it." Watching as Phil grabs his briefcase, and they both make their way off, going their separate ways. It's not till Clint gets to Natashas' and looks at his phone to check for an cancellations that he thinks it would have been polite of him to have given Phil his number, after all the guy hadn't been in the best of health in the last few days he might not fancy it in the morning, but he is sure to give it to him tomorrow, as long as he doesn't scare the guy off with his hysteric enthusiasm!