I am sorry for my little insecurity meltdown before, and I promise you all that I will ignore any of that from now on.
I AM BACK!
Don't I Know You?
Bella's Perspective...
I never believed in self discovery; A discovery of your own Individuality.
I always thought I knew who I was; I thought it strange and pointless for people to go half way around the world in search of something that was inside of you the whole time. But now, after the revelations of the past few months, I am forced to come to the conclusion that I don't even know myself anymore.
I have spent so much time being this person for everyone else, that Bella Swan has been buried deep within me. All the forced smiles, the fake laughs and pretending to be interested; this new persona I have adopted has shoved the real me out the window.
I didn't want to be anyone else; I didn't even know how I had become this person. Since when was I so emotional? Since when had I let others pull me down? Yes, everything had gotten worse after the accident and with the whole Edward thing… I knew things were going to be different. But not like this.
But I didn't need Edward to live, and I didn't keep blaming the accident for every little fault in my life. It was so easy to just sit back and let my life pass me by, letting the pain and grief of what happened cushion me. No-one would begrudge me; they would simply assume I couldn't get over it.
They would be right, but in a way, I felt ashamed.
Ashamed that I wasn't living my life; ashamed that I had spent the last week in something of a 'coma' where I simply walked around like a robot. No-one yelled at me or shook me and no-one tried to break me out of it; they simply watched mournfully as I went about my day. And it was then that I realised that this picture is so very wrong; because it is not normal for people, any people, to simply ignore the world around them for a week. And yet, here it was as though it was expected of me.
It was time to stop letting the pain and grief overwhelm me, and actually fight for the reins on my life again.
Did I even know what my favourite food was? I hardly even taste my food these days, never mind look at what I'm eating. When was the last time I even picked up a book to read? What was my favourite book?
I know I'm a coward…
My eyes lingered on the glove box to my right; the same one I had been staring at for the last few minutes and had avoided like the plague. In that glove box was the plane ticket Esme had handed me last week.
It was a rather smart plan, and one that only Esme, Alice and I knew about. We didn't want to risk any of the others slipping up if Edward did return. I had, of course, agreed that I would leave if that meant Edward would return. It broke my heart, but Esme assured me that she wasn't trying to get rid of me, and in the unlikely event that I do step foot out of the state, I would be back within the next 48 hours.
As it turned out, Esme had cooked up this plan and thought it through rather thoroughly. With a quiet apology, she admitted that she had done some 'research' on me and found out that I had an aunt living in New Zealand. Yes, she was Charlie's sister, Beth, but we didn't speak to or about her. Nobody would tell me why and I never felt the need to ask. Once I realised Esme's plan I hurriedly informed her that I had never met the women and her and my father do not get along.
She didn't even bat an eyelash, and later told me that she had seen no calls from her home to Charlie or vice versa in many years so had anticipated my reaction. I was scared to even ask how she knew about their phone records so I let that one slide.
And then she handed me the ticket, all the while telling me that if it got that far, she would book a hotel and a car for me. I was honestly a little shocked. I mean, usually getting someone to come home involves begging or promises, not running halfway around the world.
Still, what can I expect with rich vampires?
I had yet to tell Charlie about this little trip, but once again Esme jumped in and saved me, informing me that she would make the necessary call and make something up. I did feel guilty about lying to my Dad when he had just started trusting me and when we were finally building some sort of relationship and rapport with the man. But this needed to be done.
I needed Edward here, not to live, but to smile and laugh, to be happy. Life is more than mere survival. That was what he always told me.
And that is what knocked me into my 'comatose' state. Because I was terrified that, upon doing this, I would not only fail to bring Edward back, but throw away everything Dad and I had built together. Or what if Edward did come back but everything was different?
He kissed you, of course it will be awkward, but this is Edward!
Yes, but Edward ran away. He ran away from me, from the inevitable talk and feelings that were going to be dragged into this. I mean, he can't have just spontaneously thought to kiss me. Edward did nothing unless it was thought through thoroughly, a result of being the only child and heir to a company his father owned as a human. He always had responsibility, and never jumped into anything.
So he planned on kissing me…
Oh, I just didn't know anymore.
"Whatever it is isn't worth wrinkles,"
My heart thudded double-time in my chest as I jumped and squealed in surprise. "I'm going to buy a bell to put around your neck. Make some noise, will you?"
That would have sounded better if I wasn't struggling to even out my breathing and keep a glare on my face. At some point, Emmett had snuck up on me, somehow managing to silently open my car door even though the hinges squealed loudly. And said vampire was now laughing at me as I laid my head on the steering wheel, giving up my glare as I faced away from him.
"Sorry Bells,"
I turned only to roll my eyes at his lame apology since he was still laughing about it. I quickly grabbed my bag, my eyes straying to the glove box for a moment before I forcefully pushed the matter from my mind and climbed out of the car. Emmett shut my door for me, finally stopping the laughter but still unable to wipe the huge grin from his face.
"Alice said you were having some sort of epiphany and to not disturb you," he shrugged somewhat innocently. Though I found it comforting that Alice gave me space to think, which means that it must do some good at some point. I couldn't help but shake my head at Emmett.
"Alice tells you to leave me alone, so you, of course, scare the shit out of me?"
"Duh!" He nudged me playfully and I chuckled a little. I knew Emmett well thanks to mine and Edward's connection. I knew he didn't like anything serious or seeing people upset. Of course I knew he would make it his personal duty to cheer me up. The only reason he hadn't tried the last week was that Alice and Esme had specifically told all of the Cullen's to leave me be for a while.
Apparently that order was no longer in action, and to be honest I couldn't be happier to be surrounded by them.
We walked towards the red convertible where the others were stood talking quietly. Jasper and Rosalie were both frowning at Alice and neither looked particularly happy at her. Alice was simply shaking her head at them, not even offering her husband words of wisdom. I knew what they were talking about; I saw it in the exasperated look Alice sent me over Rose's shoulder as we drew closer.
I was caught up in watching the altercation that I once again jumped when Emmett threw his arm over my shoulder, effectively grinding me to a halt there beside him.
"Bella… we're not stupid; we know you and Ali have something cooked up. What we can't figure out is why neither of you will let anyone else in,"
He had turned to face me, pouting and wearing the most sincere expression I think I recall seeing on his face. I realised, as I stared at him for a moment, that Esme must have played her part as worrying mother to avoid suspicion. She was a devious vampire that one.
"Emmett…" The quiet warning came from my left and I turned as Emmett sighed. Hs shoulders slumped he turned and faced Alice as she stood beside me. Rose and Jasper stood at her side, both of them watching Alice and I closely as though the answers would just come pouring from our mouths.
"You can't blame him Alice; Edward is our brother too you know! We deserve to know what's going on," Rose hissed quietly, her eyes narrowing on her tiny sister in a threatening way. I knew what she said was true; no matter how much she and Edward clashed and argued; they loved each other like siblings.
"Nothing is going on Rosalie," Alice hissed, stepping forward as though provoking the blond vampire. Jasper and Emmett quickly interceded and pulled their partners away before any fights –whether physical or verbal- could begin.
It was then that I felt the divide. The Cullen's were my family, and yet since being inside Edward's head, and feeling Edward's emotions for so long, I felt like the loner. And now, here I was in his position; his siblings holding each other and whispering loving words in their ears. And I stood to the side, helpless and hopeless. When Edward was here it was alright; I had someone.
Is this how Edward always felt around his family?
I stood there beside the red car, watching Emmett whisper soothing words in Rosalie's ear and Jasper pull Alice into his chest and kiss the top of her head. It hurt, to watch such displays of affection. I didn't necessarily understand why of course. There were couples everywhere I looked, but I'd never felt like this before. I hadn't felt lonely.
I wanted arms to hold me tightly when I got upset, or for someone to hold my hand and whisper words in my ear. I wanted that. I fought to bat the emotions away from me; I didn't need anyone to make me whole. That was the one thing that Renee had always emphasised on me. No woman needs a man to be strong.
But God, it would be nice to be needed.
The day floated by; Alice dodging and weaving the accusations and questions being pelted at us throughout lunch. I was lucky to have her really; I was on automatic again. I knew how it felt to need someone so badly that when they left, you felt like a part of you was missing.
Like right now.
I knew I could survive without Edward; I could probably go as far as to say I could move on. I know, logically, that I could. But I didn't want to. Maybe that was what this whole mate thing was about. Looking around at lunch as the two mated pairs sat together in silence, I saw people that chose to be there. They didn't have to be with one another, but they wanted to be.
I didn't need Edward, but I wanted him. I wanted it to be his voice that calmed me down, his laugh that made me smile, his arms wrapped around me. It was then, a few seconds before the bell rang signalling the end of lunch, that a thought strayed through my mind.
That one thought would be the downfall of me; I knew it, but it was too tempting to pass.
Like Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett, Esme and Carlisle, I could survive without Edward. But, also like them, I didn't want to even think about being without him. And, with this theory conjured, I could only come to one end.
What if Edward and I were mates like the others?
It was a strange concept, but I surprised myself by not dismissing the theory immediately. Alice sent me a small nod and something that was either a wink or a twitch as I stood and bid my farewells. Mumbled goodbyes and even a 'hang in there' from Jasper followed me as I made my way to Biology. I hated this class without Edward now. His empty paid tribute to my best friend who had run away. Even now, days later, I don't understand why he ran away.
He kissed me and then he ran away.
Alright, so maybe he kissed me, I kissed him and then he ran away.
Why did he kiss me? Why did I kiss him? Honestly, I don't know the answers. I wished I did, but I was in the dark on this one. I just had to trust that Alice was right about her visions and the plan would work. I don't know what will happen if it doesn't. After calling me his 'best friend', he kisses me?
Maybe my theory is right…
But we couldn't be mates. Sure, Edward had never felt anything akin to attraction before; I would have felt it. He had shown me what it feels like from his connection with Jasper and the others. He hadn't felt that towards anyone else; nor had he ever kissed, or even looked at somebody inappropriately. And suddenly he's kissing me.
The evidence is mounting…
It didn't matter, because I knew it wasn't true. Edward would have told me. After being together for so long and knowing the other from the inside out, i would have found our or he would have slipped and told me. Then again, as I sat silently in my seat pretending to listen to Mr. Banner ramble on, I begrudgingly had to admit that Edward was impeccable when it came to concealing his thoughts.
That night, after hours of theories circling in my mind, I strictly told myself that Edward could hide his feelings and thoughts as easily as breathing. If he didn't want me to know something, I wouldn't know it. If there was a reason for his behaviour, then I would patiently wait for the answers - no matter how infuriating it was that I wasn't deemed able to be let into this secret.
Days past as I returned to normal – or as normal as I could guess everyone else was. With no voice and second sight in my mind, I found I could focus and concentrate much easier. I received praise from both my calculus teacher and Coach Clapp for my sudden improvement. It was a bittersweet moment.
Charlie was outwardly pleased with my uplifted mood. We settled into an easy routine; something it seemed that both of us had needed. I would go to school, come back, and if Charlie was still at the station, I'd cook dinner and afterwards, he'd do the dishes. I agreed to do my share of cleaning, though Charlie did admit he loathed the hoovering and dusting so I took those jobs. At night, either I would sit in my room doing my homework or we'd sit downstairs and he would attempt to teach me the rules of various sports. Usually it ended up with me laughing at him when he yelled at the television.
Normal was good; it was simple and easy. But it wasn't me.
Of course, there were those little things that still stood me out from the rest. Alice kept asking me to see if the shield around my mind was keeping him out. I didn't see why I should have to since he was ignoring me anyway, but she said it was imperative. I couldn't argue with her; she knew more than I did. It was frustrating knowing that she knew all of this. In fact, I'm sure they all knew. From all the eyebrow raises, small smirks and solemn head shakes, I could only deduce that they knew something that I did not.
Damn vampires.
The class wasn't up to sharing though, and no amount of screaming and cursing would loosen them up. That theory was tried and tested, and earned me a shocked face from Esme and a high five from Emmett. I spent an increasing amount of time at the Cullen's house and with the family themselves. Jasper, especially, seemed to be making the most of the one human he could get close to. They invited me over to dinner and to 'hang out' almost every night. Even when I declined, explaining that I had homework, Emmett said I could do it over there.
I couldn't work out whether they were trying to keep me on their good side, or just trying to keep an eye on me. Either way, it stopped me moping so I wasn't going to call them out on it.
There was one thing – as there usually is – that was circling around in my mind. No amount of laughing or company could keep it from biting right back.
Renee.
When I had lost her, lost my mother, I needed Edward in every way possible. I was hurt, physically, mentally and emotionally. I was angry and confused – I didn't understand or believe what I was being told. I thought everyone was lying to me and holding me against my will. He had been there, through every ugly thought and every tear. He hadn't left me.
I fell into a depression whilst at the orphanage, seeing all those children smiling and laughing. I couldn't understand how they could be happy. They were here because nobody cared, because they had no family left. I wanted to hurt them; to make them see that there was nothing to smile about. The world was painted crimson in my eyes; every door led to pain no matter what. Nobody could be trusted; I didn't even speak to anybody for all my time there. Nobody was worthy of my voice; I didn't have to break my silence for them. They were stupid and naïve, making friends and playing childish games. None of it mattered.
Nothing mattered anymore. It all ended, and it all ended in the same way. It didn't matter when, where or how. It's unavoidable.
That was when I sat in the communal bathroom, on the edge of the bath holding a razor blade to my wrist. I knew to cut straight down – no chance of the veins being stitched up. I was going to die – I might as well do it now and spare myself the pain life will bring. I had been so focussed that Edward had been shoved to the back of my mind. But he screamed and screamed, and as I pressed that small blade to my skin, I felt his emotions wash over me.
The panic, the fear, the anger…
It made my hands tremble and my vision blur with tears. The blade almost slipped from my hand but I held steadfast, unwilling to give in. I didn't want to be weak anymore. No more pain to cripple me – no more regret and shame. I had wanted it that day, and many days before and after. I had wanted death. I had wanted peace, but most of all, I had wanted an end. I didn't care if it was painful or not. It would never amount to the pain life would cause.
Edward had screamed at me, begged me and threatened me. He had even gone as far as to say that if I killed myself, he would follow. I had scoffed then, mistrust even seeping into the deepening cracks that had formed between Edward and me. I had been difficult to contend with. I could see it now – how irrational I was being, but to me, it was all logic and sense. It was everyone else that was blind.
Apparently I had sat on the edge of the bath for seven hours – door locked and, as usual, not speaking a word. I am sure people tried to use the toilet throughout the day, but I couldn't remember the door being tried. Even now, I couldn't figure out how I spent that long in there. Of course, eventually, the guardians did a head count and figured out I was missing. The lock was unscrewed and the door pushed open. The children had been taken away – they didn't know what to expect to find.
They didn't try to talk to me. I didn't even look at them. I forgot the blade in my hand. Edward told me a story – I can't remember what he said, and I never want to lest it bring back harsher memories. I let him back in, I let his words soothe me as paramedics arrived. They spoke to me in soft gentle voices that I ignored. The man was holding his hand out, shaking it slightly as he spoke to me. I still didn't raise my eyes from the floor.
The blade, it seemed, had slipped during my time in my head, and had now cut through my skin. It was only a small cut of a few inches, but the blood was running down my wrist, past my palm and dripping from between my fingers onto the blue carpet. I didn't feel the pain, I don't even think I realised what I was doing. Edward told me that I had to give the man the blade. I didn't understand why – I didn't understand much of anything – but I trusted Edward. I did as he said.
And throughout all of that, he had stayed with me. Throughout every night in the hospital bed, every counselling session – he'd tell me to listen, that they'd help me. At first I was angry with him – once I realised what he had done. Being hooked up to all those machines, and being guarded around the clock made me resent life all the more. Though the pain was being numbed it remained in my heart. I hated Edward for a few weeks – I told him all the time how much I loathed him, how I wished he'd never been born, how he'd ruined my life.
He was still there a month later when I was in the mental ward and everything just seemed to snap into resolution, when I broke down and apologized over and over again. The nurses had to sedate me, but called it progress. It was the first time I had spoken in a month of me being there, even if it wasn't to one of them.
I owed him my life. I owed him everything.
It seemed selfish, looking back on my life, that I felt so hurt and betrayed by him now. He had sacrificed so much for me – he had gone through everything I had from the beginning. I owed him everything I had now – was it my place to want more from him? Maybe he didn't want to be around anymore; maybe he wanted to get away for a while. Either way, it wasn't my place to question it.
Esme had spoken to Charlie and asked him if I could accompany her and Alice on a trip to New York. Apparently, I would be learning about the world in a new light, and it would be very beneficial. I hated lying to him, but he seemed to buy it after learning that it was just us three girls, and even then I could tell it was begrudging.
It was the Friday night I was at the Cullen's that I let slip my thoughts on the entire affair. Since, as far as Charlie was concerned anyway, Esme and I were leaving at four in the morning, it made sense for me to stay over there for the night. Alice had taken it upon herself to deem me unable to dress myself, and so was packing my bag for me. I was sat in the guest bedroom, on the middle of the bed, watching Alice root around, mumbling to her and pushing clothes aside.
I was quiet, but she didn't question it. I have always been quiet, so nothing was really different there. But I had had these thoughts for a while, and now seemed to be the last chance to air them.
"Alice," I called her name softly, hearing a hum but all I could see was her behind wiggling around as she looked for shoes.
"Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" The unease that accompanied my voice settled in my stomach, looming over my head and lodging in my throat. Was I really willing to give Edward up? Could I be selfish and hold him to be forever, even if he didn't want to be?
"Of course we are Bella. Edward belongs here; he just doesn't know it yet." Her head popped up for a moment but she simply held a pair of shoes in each hand, seeming to weigh them up before placing the black boots in the suitcase and the pumps back in the wardrobe.
"But what if he doesn't want to come back?" I implored, tapping out an irregular rhythm on my knee as I sat with my legs crossed, my hand cupping the side of my face as I rested my elbow on my other knee.
"Of course he wants to come back Bella." She dismissed my words with a dainty snort and a short shake of her head, putting her attention back on the matter at hand. "We're his family, and you –" Her hands stilled and she sighed quietly before carrying on, "He needs you."
It hurt to think of it like that now, after realising another angle for this. Maybe he does miss me; maybe he does want to come back. I couldn't get my hopes up.
"I'm going to get a drink." I said quietly, not gaining a response as I quietly climbed off the bed and out of the room. I met no-one along my way to the kitchen, and allowed myself a moment to breathe and come to terms with this.
I was about to fly across the world, to get Edward back. He may want to come back, he may not. Either way, I would live through it. It would hurt, but I was prepared for that eventuality. A part of my mind prompted that I shouldn't have to travel half way around the world – to New Zealand – to get him back. He should want to come back by himself.
Hugging the glass of water to me, I leaned back against the marble counter. My throat still felt constricted, but it didn't seem to be budging any time soon. It seemed wrong to be here now – a familiar pace for him to be – within his home with his family. I felt intrusive, as though I was taking his place. Even when Carlisle and Esme told me that I was welcome any time, and that it wasn't simply because of Edward, I couldn't help but hesitate. This was his home, not mine – his family, not mine.
"You worried."
I didn't jump or squeal like someone would usually do when snuck up on. My mind registered the shock, but I was too busy to show it outwardly. Instead, I allowed my eyes to travel from my rippling water, to the doorframe. Jasper stood, watching me with sympathetic eyes as I shrugged. I couldn't hide from him, we both knew it.
"But calm. Strange – at least given what you're about to do." He continued, stepping inside the room and pulling out a bar stool before jumping up on it with a bounce. With a small grin that made me smile despite myself, he tapped the seat beside him and I sighed and obliged. Things with Jasper were good – having spent so much time with me, we had gotten close over the week or so. He was my self-appointed favourite brother. It made my heart sing to think that he liked me that much.
"So… why all the calm vibes?" He quirked an eyebrow in my direction, leaning forwards, setting his elbow on the island top and pressing his palm to the side of his head as he turned his head to face me. We had done this before, the both of us. I found it was easy to talk to him, since he had the gift of open mindedness, as well as being able to know how I feel too.
"I figure it could go either way. But what ever happens, I'll survive. I know what I'm getting myself into and what is at stake. I've accepted it I guess," I shrugged again, brushing my fingertips over the glass and creating grooves in the condensation.
"You're willing to let him go if that's what he wants?" Incredulity coloured Jasper's voice, but I still refused to turn. I could predict his expression after all. Having been so receptive to everything recently, it would come as a shock that I was digging my heels in and voicing an opinion that no-one expected. I had spent the last few weeks just going along with things and agreeing – being easy.
"How could I hold him back? He's been my crutch for so long – maybe he wants out." And there was the pain again – right in my heart and stomach at the thought of losing him. I tried to conceal the cringe at my words – seeming so much harsher when spoken aloud than in my mind.
"I can't speak for Edward-" he paused at my cringe but carried on, "But he cares about you, so much. I don't know what he's doing, or why he's being such a prick, but I'm sure he has some twisted logic that makes sense to him." He chuckled and I caught him rolling his eyes when I peeked over at him. I smiled shakily, still feeling the ache in my heart, but remembering the way Edward always make sense of the most sense-less things.
"I know he cares about me. He has to have to have stayed with me through everything." I sighed, my eyes returning to the glass of water as I began to trace the lip, feeling the edge digging into my finger and allowing it to distract me.
"Was it that bad?" He sounded hesitant but curious – scared to approach the subject. It was the one thing everyone skirted around in conversation. It hadn't come up, but there was always a lull in the conversation, or an uneasy silence when something hinted towards it. Their eyes always watched over me with silent questions and always – always – the concerned frown.
"I was in a bad place," I shrugged one shoulder as I suddenly felt inexplicably old, "The world was full of darkness and pain and I didn't want any part of it anymore. I wanted an out, but Edward took that away from me." The kitchen fell silent for a while, the hum of the microwave filling the lull and I let my hand fall to the marble counter as I sighed, and feeling guilt worming back into my bones.
"I hated him for it." Wanting to know his reaction to that, I turned to face him full on. He wasn't looking at me anymore, and for that I was thankful. He was staring off into the distance with a slight scowl on his face. When he realised I was watching him, he turned and motioned for me to continue, the scowl never leaving his face.
"He betrayed me. He left me here with all the pain and reality. It got worse of course, with the hospital and the stupid councillors. I hated him even more because of that."
"He was your best friend and he took away what you wanted most." Jasper mumbled with a small nod of understanding, though his scowl only deepened.
"I resented him. I was always angry, and bitter. I couldn't help it. I felt cheated." I swallowed thickly before continuing. "It took a month but I finally realised how fucked up I was, and how irrational I was acting. I could barely live with myself – God knows how he did."
"Hey," I felt Jasper's chilly fingers gently nudge my chin up and I begrudgingly allowed my eyes to leave the floor. "Just because bad things have happened to you, it doesn't make you a bad person. You reacted how you felt – there's nothing wrong with that. Stop blaming yourself for Edward's ass-holery."
He released my chin but I was still staring at him. I knew Jasper could be sensitive – he didn't really have a choice. But I also knew that he preferred to be the strong, silent one in the background. I was touched that he'd reach out to me, even if his words made me want to smile.
His thumb reached above my eye, to one of the many scars I have from the accident. The dashboard was responsible for that one. Despite the heavy atmosphere, and his darkened mood I laughed lightly. The action was relieving for me after our conversation and reliving all that. "You do realise you almost quoted Harry Potter,"
When his scowl was replaced with a smile and his hand dropped from my scar, I relaxed even further. "Well, what can I say eh? Those Potter people know a thing or two." Without a word he slid off his seat, turning and offering me his hand to help me slide off. "Alice wants your opinion," he nodded towards the ceiling with a wry grin when I rolled my eyes.
"Thanks Jasper." I smiled somewhat shyly once I realised that I had not only told that to Jasper, but to all of the occupants of the house. Maybe the details would make it too much for them – but I flicked that thought away. They had been through a fair bit of pain in their own lives. Instead of answering me, he simply opened his arms. Without even thinking about it I stepped into the embrace and wrapped my arms tightly around him, letting the feelings of security and safeness wash over me as Jasper squeezed me tightly. With a simply kiss to my forehead he released me and motioned for me to go upstairs.
Feeling significantly lighter than before, I ascended the stairs and even allowed Alice to badger me with pointless questions about which blouses to take. Though my answers had not been answered my mind was at ease with my decision. Whether this worked or not, the outcome would not make or break me. I would not be a weak, little dependant child anymore. Edward had been my rock for far too long now – and it was wearing on the both of us.
The others had inevitably found out about our plan. Esme and I had remained tight lipped – not even giving any hints. It was Alice that had told Jasper, thinking no-one was within hearing range, but Emmett had just caught wind of it and told Rosalie, who then took it upon herself to tell Esme and Carlisle. After a tantrum from Alice and many probing questions from the others, we settled into a resigned plan.
"Right. You know what to do," Alice hovered in the doorway, worry etched on her face. Her confidence has been slowly dropping – it was clear in her voice. I was sat on the bed again, holding the plane ticket in my clammy hands. Everyone knowing was a large risk to take, but it did make things a hell of a lot easier. We didn't have to sneak around anymore, and we could get this done.
With a small nod and smile, Alice slowly slipped from the room and shut the door softly behind her. Their job was simply – be silent and wait. My job, however, was much harder. Not only had I ensure that I not slip up in my thoughts, but that I concentrate solely on the little piece of paper in front of me and not what I knew was going to happen in the next few days – a hard feat since it was all I could think of.
The house fell silent, and even though I was alone, I could feel my cheeks flushing. I knew they were all listening to my every breath and move. The knowledge made the room seem somewhat smaller and my hands shook a little with the pressure. A wave of calm washed over me, my hands stilling and allowing me to regain a footing in soothing myself.
Now came the hardest part.
Focussing my eyes on the little piece of paper in front of me, I fought to recite things about it. The words, colours, texture – anything I could that would block out anything else. Details like my whereabouts didn't matter, but my emotions would have to be in check too. Of course, it wasn't exactly difficult to conjure the feels of betrayal and sadness. Taking it a step further and still concentrating on the plane ticket, I fought to lower the wall around my wall slowly, brick by brick. I could have easily ripped it down, but doing it this way is more realistic to how the emotion would wear it down.
Plus I might not want to be assaulted by his thoughts, and thus a distraction. We had to be careful and Edward was smart – something I was not appreciating right now.
I expected some white noise, some mumbling as I eased down the wall around my mind, letting him in piece by piece. But there was nothing at all – nothing but silence. It was frightening to know that nothing stood between us and yet there was nothing. It was like he had disappeared; it chilled me at the same as it made my eyes well up with tears. Not only had he run away, but he had completely shut me out. There wasn't even a whisper, no images or sounds; just my own rapid thoughts.
Bitter at his independence, and completely forgetting my earlier argument of letting him go, I pulled my knees up to my chest and let my tears fall. The sobs shook my shoulders and made my chest hurt, but I couldn't find it in me to stop them. Before there had been a hope that maybe I had been wrong and he hadn't shunned me completely. He had well and truly severed the link between us, physically, mentally and I'm pretty sure emotions were in there too. It hurt that he was able to block me out when I needed him so much.
Arms wrapped around me, trying to pry my arms from around my legs gently and raise my head. All I wanted was to curl up in a corner and wallow in my own pitiful misery and pain. Unfortunately, since I wasn't really in the mood to talk, the person didn't get the message and wouldn't just leave me be.
I heard him sigh. "Bella, please talk to me."
I wanted to stamp my foot like a child and scream that I wasn't doing anything for anyone for anything. But my bones suddenly felt heavy in my body and all I could muster was a simple head shake. I don't think I have ever acted to petulantly before but damn it felt good to be a child – despite the fact that I was supposed to be seventeen. Of course, eventually I gave up trying to get him to go away and let my arms relax their grip. Sensing my dwindling fight, the bed shifted as he sat in front of me, not wasting any time before hugging me to him and squeezing the hell out of me. I didn't care that I was snotting on his shirt or that my tears would most likely stain the material; and thankfully, he didn't either.
Jasper held me for a long time – way after I told him why I was upset, and way after the sun disappeared. Every time he felt me clam up and put that wall around me again, just wanting some peace, he'd squeeze me a little tighter and tell me to let it go. He didn't want me to hide, and though it wasn't exactly a pleasant sensation, I didn't hide from it. This was me after all; these were a part of me.
"So what do we do now?" My throat felt too thick to let words out – my tongue heavy and too big for my mouth it seemed. My words were barely legible, but my mind was working a mile a minute and none of it was very cheerful. "He's not coming back, Jasper. He doesn't care!" I wailed as Jasper gently shushed me and simply held me tighter. Hiccups burst out of my mouth and even forced out a giggle at the noise interrupted the silence that surrounded us.
"So you couldn't get through to him?" He asked gently as I closed my eyes, all the tears and emotions wearing me out. With my head resting in the crook of his neck and the tip of my nose just touching the column of his neck, I was pretty comfy.
"No. He's put his shield up again. I can't get through it – I've never been able to. It's the same thing he did when Carlisle told him to ignore me. I don't see or hear anything from him, and he can't see or hear anything from me. We completely cut off from each other until he lets it down." I sounded like a God damn robot – no emotions or energy. Honestly, I was all out of emotions. Before Forks, I worked hard to be as numb as possible, and now everything is so overwhelming – at least it is to me.
Jasper's hum vibrated down his throat and into my nose, making me scrunch it up and moving back out of reflex. He simply nudged me back into place and gently pressed my face into his shoulder again. I couldn't ask for a better brother – while Emmett would be the one to beat the ass of anyone who bothered me, the brute force, Jasper was the one who you just spilled your secrets to. He could be hard and sometimes scary as fuck when he wanted, but that was Jasper. He may not look it – sometimes anyway – but I knew for a fact that Jasper was a damn sight more lethal than Emmett.
I could hear the others moving around downstairs again, thankfully allowing me at least the illusion of privacy. The room grew dark but neither of us moved to switch on the light. It was nice to just sit and imagine you were looking in on everything – that you were the observer. Eventually I found that my closed eyes wouldn't open, and as much as I tried to move my arms they simply refused. Exhaustion was swallowing me whole, paying me back for the recent sleepless and restless nights. Though even through the haze of sleep, worry was niggling away in the back of my mind.
"So what do we do?"
I couldn't really hear myself very well, but even then I could hardly understand myself. Thank god for vampires and their keen hearing, maybe Jas will be able to decipher it.
"We go ahead with the plan. Can he feel when you try and get through to him?"
"If I try hard enough," I mumbled somewhat coherently.
"Well then he'll check in on you sooner or later, and when he does he'll come back. It's only a matter of time Bella – when he lets that shield down."
I wanted to tell him that Edward would never take that shield down – not if he wanted to be left alone, and thus far that is all I have to go with. It's obvious he doesn't want to come back or he'd be here. The same questions were running over and over in my mind and I was too tired to actually give a damn.
I welcomed sleep as she pulled into her tender embrace, shrouding me in darkness and fighting away the worries and hardships of reality. The world blurred around the edges as my mind revelled in the silence – the blissful calm and numbness sleep had to offer me. Her warmth permeated my skin, erasing the icy loneliness with soft tendrils of nothing… just nothing.
As the human slept above on the third floor, the vampires in the house could only assume and take a random guess at the events that would shape, not only the lives of their brother, son and friend, but the newest addition to their strange dynamic.
Bella had come as a shock to everyone in the Cullen family – her familiarity with Edward, as well as how she seemed to know them all too, unnerved them. For many minutes they all wondered what they would have to do about this little human who knew far too much about them to go on. She spoke with such clarity and calmness in the face of six unknown – though apparently familiar – vampires. Her nerves were obvious, especially with the empath in the room, but it was her bravery that set the coven back a step and let her and Edward speak.
There was no going back once they both began to explain – the very concept of this girl, this human girl, making Edward so happy. It was undeniable, watching them, it was painfully obvious. Edward had been right of course when he said that seventeen years ago he had changed – they all knew it, they all saw it, but none of them understood it. This girl had been the key, and as much as they all revolted against the idea of letting anyone, let alone a human into their fold, they could hardly push her away when she held a piece of their family.
They held nothing against her after hearing the why's of the situation – it wasn't as though it was her fault she and Edward were telepathically connected after all. After years of being shied away from by humans, and being scoffed and dismissed by vampires alike, they had found someone – one human who did neither. She had both accepted them, and had come to love them like her own. In the end, it had been her comfort and sincere trust that won them over. It was beyond bizarre to talk about such things as vampirism in the presence of a human, but it seemed that such rules were made to be broken.
Though the girl was a major detail, it was Edward that drew the gaze and attention of the family. They had been this behaviour before, unprecedented and unorthodox though it was sometimes. They now all understood why, and were keen on seeing it for themselves. Their eyes only brightened as they watched the lonely member of the family laugh and smile – they watched as he teased his human girl and as his eyes lit up. He was happy – so happy that it shone through every pore in his body. Edward had always been the recluse, and someone uncomfortable in his own skin. He had always suffered with his gift and his own self-loathing for what he was. And though they had all wished for it to be wrong, they could no longer ignore the fact that they didn't really know Edward at all. He had hidden himself away for so long that his family thought that this was Edward. Now this girl – Bella – was showing him for who he was. She knew him through and through, and it shamed his family that it had taken a century and the mind of a teenage girl to tear him from his ways.
It should have been his family who had helped him, who guided and supported him. For this, they could only show gratitude towards this amazing human who had not only brought their brother to life but revealed him for who he was. How could they ever feel animosity or even a threat from this girl who had helped them so much?
It was after Edward was gone that they realised just what they had to do. To Bella, they had always been a family, but the Cullen's were still learning. Then again, even centuries-old vampires could see when someone who they cared about needed them, and they were all too eager to step up to that plate. With Edward gone, there was no real connection to Bella, not on the Cullen's side anyway. They barely knew the girl. But after so many weeks and tears, hours of stories, of laughter and sobbing, they came to know the girl behind the miracle. They saw her hurt for her heartache and it hurt them in return, to see her in such a state. She was no longer just a girl – she was a member of the family. And while she already thought of the Cullen's as her parents and siblings, the Cullen's were beginning to see Bella in such a light too.
Of course Edward was never too far from their minds. They couldn't understand him – they doubted they ever would. He had told them, those many weeks ago when he had brought her home for the first time, that Bella was not to be touched, threatened or even attacked. Their thoughts were thoroughly scoured for any hint of aggression – and he emphasised his words as his gaze lingered on Rosalie.
"Anyone who touches her forfeits their life. You try and hurt her, in any way, and I swear, you'll never be able to run fast enough."
His words had brought shock to his family, but none of them spoke out against them. They had never seen anything like this from Edward – he had never been so possessive of anything, or anyone. Yes, he was protective of his family, but not to this standard. The only time he had ever been like this was when he hunted – when he let out his primal instincts and gave over to his most basic needs. It both thrilled and scared Carlisle to see such a reaction from his first son. He had seen it before in Emmett, Rosalie and Esme – the instinct, the need to protect and claim. He knew what it meant, but kept his mind quiet for the time being. He knew his son well enough that if he wasn't ready for such a revelation – not just yet.
It hadn't taken the others long to figure it out too – the behaviour and mannerisms so similar to those they had all displayed themselves. Edward was, of course, oblivious to them all since Bella was so close. Edward had found his mate, his soul mate – call it what you will, they all knew that now that they were together it was be nigh impossible to separate them.
But then Edward had run away.
Bella was, of course, distraught. She felt it too. After a quiet afternoon with Esme curled up watching movie after movie, she had opened up. Esme didn't say anything about it, but watched in slight amazement as the girl before her rattled off her feelings and thoughts with shaking hands and tears in her eyes. Bella felt it to – the connection. They all knew by experience that upon finding your mate, the need to consume, to possess and to mark was almost too strong to abstain. It came as no shock that Edward had kissed her, or that Bella had kissed him back – it was inevitable as far as they were concerned. It was simply a matter of time. But Edward was too overwhelmed and too confused by it all and ran – in shame and anger, he fled from his family and his love.
Bella felt it too. The others kept an eye on her of course, not wanting her to harm herself. The separation was hard to deal with soon after the mating and the vampire – or in this case person was prone to mood swings and irrational behaviour. Thankfully, while Bella felt the connection, it wasn't strong enough to cause such a powerful effect. She was pained by Edward's absence, that much was painfully obvious, but she wasn't completely distraught and beside herself.
It hadn't taken long for the others to figure out what the three women were plotting – though they did point out and full in some holes in the plan. They were slightly chagrined that all they could do was take a back seat and watch it all unfold. Edward was bound to come back – he had to, his heart wouldn't let him stay away. It hurt to hear that she was giving up – that she didn't believe he was return. They couldn't blame her – though Edward's behaviour was understandable, it was far from acceptable. Leaving Bella here suffering angered every member of the Cullen family but in the end they knew that it was not their battle to fight. As the days grew shorter and the time was upon them to set their plan in motion, it was clear that Bella had taken another path.
While she had attempted her hand at acceptance of Edward's actions and decisions, Jasper had revealed that she angry and it was building. Her anger was completely necessary in this situation, but it wouldn't help soothe the way any. Jasper had taken it upon himself to monitor her carefully over the weeks. After hearing her say that she tried to kill herself, he felt it was his duty to make sure that it never happened again. What frightened him was that another person she loved had gone, and it was the same person that dragged her from the hole last time. Without Edward, would she be able to pick herself up?
He needn't have worried – her emotions never betrayed anything close to such destructive behaviour. She was trying to be independent, but after having Edward there all her life, and leaning on his especially these past few months, it was bound to be hard. The family felt hopeless as they watched their plan fall flat – Edward wasn't even paying attention. The wall cracked and crumbled then – all the acceptance, anger and feigned ignorance stamped out by hurt and betrayal, by pain and desolation. Edward had his own thoughts to sort out, he had to come to terms with this himself and no amount of prodding would speed up the process – this they knew for certain. The fact that his mind wasn't open wasn't a dismissal of Bella's attention or presence – he simply had a lot to think about. Unfortunately, they could do nothing to soothe Bella's obvious distress as she seemed to fall apart before their very eyes.
Bella fell asleep eventually, much to Carlisle's relief. She hadn't been sleeping, eating or really interacting much over the past few weeks, though it was obvious that she was making a considerate effort. Charlie was understandably distraught. He had had such a little amount of time with his daughter and though it had been rough in the beginning, it was starting to be better. The death of Renee had hit them hard, but Bella was done being the adult. Charlie knew it was time to step up and be man, but the pain was forever in his mind. When he looked at Bella, he saw Renee and God it hurt. He took solace in knowing that he could very well have lost the both of them. It was with these thoughts and Bella's rapid decline that had him phoning Carlisle and demanding an explanation. Bella had been spending a lot of time with the Cullen's recently – at school and at their house. No specifics were made – simply that there had been a misunderstanding where Edward had unintentionally hurt Bella and he had gone. After a very lengthy conversation and yelling on Charlie's side, Carlisle got Charlie to agree to give his daughter over to the Cullen's for five days. He had to promise that he would have to bite his tongue when Bella was there, and in turn Carlisle had to promise to bring his daughter home safely and that they would do everything they can to make things better again. While Charlie was dead set against Edward going anywhere near his daughter ever again, he was willing to do anything to get rid of the dead light in her eyes. He wanted her to smile and laugh like the used to. Her sudden loss of appetite and social abilities immediately concerned Charlie but he had faith in Carlisle and Esme. They were all in the same boat after all – their children having some whacked up telepathic connection. He still had trouble accepting it, and most of the time he simply ignores it. It wasn't the best tactic but he had always been one for facts and reality – nothing remotely sci-fi related or supernatural hence why he became a cop.
He pretended to have accepted Esme's alleged lie about showing Bella how the world worked. It made him smile to see the light coming back in her eyes when they ate in silence. She spent a lot of time thinking – too much time Charlie thought, but kept his opinions to himself. The up and coming trip to God-knows where had Bella in high spirits and that had been enough to unstill some hope and trust in this plan the Cullen's had concocted. He didn't like keeping things from his daughter, especially after the distance between them over the years. He should be trying to gain her trust not purposefully deceive her. His hope was that this would make her happier, and in turn make her more comfortable here and with him. He just hoped it didn't backfire and threaten the tenuous relationship he now had with his daughter.
He had been so excited to hear she was coming to stay with him – that was before he was given the news about Renee and the accident. His heart broke at the news at tears had spilled down his cheeks. He had never let go of Renee, his first and only love. The only good news was that of his daughter – she was alive and well. Of course, then there was the next phone call a few weeks later informing him that his daughter had been admitted to a psychiatric unit after trying to kill herself. That was round about when the panic set in. Before then, he had been assured that Bella was fine, coping well and that she would be on the next plane to Port Angeles. But then there were more and more setbacks – fully booked flights and more hospital checks than he knew possible. In the end he was so close to just saying 'fuck it' to his job and driving the couple of hundred miles to Phoenix to get to his baby girl. But then she was on the plane and she was on her way – and then the panic really set in. Phone calls had been established between the psychiatrist Bella had been seeing and he'd spilled all of his worries and fears down the phone to her. She simply advised him not to push her but not to treat her any differently – it was a fine line to walk but he was fairly certain he'd been doing it pretty well so far.
He'd had to call Kim when he majorly fucked up and sent Bella into something he never wanted to witness again. He watched his little girl snap as she reached her limit and then he watched her close off from everyone and everything around her. Kim had already assured him that she did this as a defence mechanism whenever she felt things got too close or difficult. It didn't help the reality that his baby was hurting and he had inadvertently caused it. The hardest thing had been watching Edward and Carlisle walking away with her. Carlisle promised that she'd be okay but it didn't stop him from wanting to grab her and never let her go. He wanted to be the one to make her alright, he was her dad, and it was his job to look after her. He had failed all those years ago to hold onto his wife, and he was losing his daughter too. After a strenuous call to Kim proclaiming that he couldn't handle Bella and that he wasn't cut out to do it, he was sternly told to shut up and listen.
Apparently it would have been a miracle if nothing had happened in the first few weeks. Charlie didn't appreciate the sentiment. He didn't care if everyone else was going through this – it was his daughter that was hurting and it made his heart heavy and impossible to bear knowing that he wasn't helping in the slightest. After a few hours flitting between anger, desolation and hope she finally got through to him that simply showing that he cared was helping his daughter to heal. She had given up on the world and knowing there was people there who loved and cared for her would keep her afloat when she couldn't find her footing just yet.
Even as he put the phone down, Charlie hung his head in shame. He even had to phone a psychiatrist to talk about his own daughter. The same daughter he had almost talked himself out of caring for. Thank God for Kim.
He had told her that Bella was taking a vacation for a while, but then was shocked when Kim told him not to worry about it. In all the drama Bella hadn't phoned Kim once since that second time. Instead of flying off the handle, Kim sounded pleased by the lack of contact. Apparently it was only a sign of concern if she got a call from someone saying that she was sinking into herself again. Her lack of communication because of other things was seen as progress – of moving on, of healing. The fact that Bella was able to concentrate and worry about other things was seen as a positive thing. Charlie had wanted to throttle the damn woman and ask her what the fuck was wrong with just wanting his little girl to be happy.
And now his little girl was gone, sleeping the night at the Cullen's before they depart tomorrow. He trusted them – not enough that he forwent the threat of hunting each and every one of them down should anything happen to his little girl, but enough to hold onto the hope that they could help. They seemed to know what they were doing at least – and it was in that field that Charlie felt that he had failed. He laid in bed for a while that night, wondering what his little girl would be doing this time tomorrow and if he would ever see her smile again – really smile, with the light in her eyes and colour in her cheeks. He ached to see the little girl in the pictures, the one with a toothy grin and pigtails. He just wanted her to be happy again, no matter what. That included getting a restraining order against Edward or having him stay over for sleepovers – though he immediately retracted that one. There was no way they would be sleeping here together.
He wasn't an idiot. He saw how those two were together, how Bella moped around and barely spoke. He could see the difference between the pain of losing her mother and the pain of this situation with Edward – whatever it may be. They might be blind but his keen old eyes saw it – he was a cop after all.
The sun rose the next day, the chief rising with it and getting ready for his work. His thoughts lingered on his daughter as he drove to work, worry gnawing in his mind and stomach as he realised that he didn't like the knowledge that his little girl was so close and yet too far from him. He settled himself with the knowledge that a headhunt would be called if his daughter was a second late through that front door. There were so worries in the Cullen house – though Charlie's threats had been headed. They were hardly worried about being hunted down by a human, though it would cause complications should he chose to dig a little too deep into their background. No, they acquiesced to his promises simply because he was looking after his daughter, he was doing the best he could – that the Cullen's understood that, if nothing else. The Cullen's had no need to sleep, but often found their endless life tiring. Not today though – today they had a purpose. As the sun rose, Esme went to wake Bella. At five in the morning with the sun peeking over the horizon and with promises of sleep on the plane, she managed to get Bella moving.
She didn't want to go; in fact she was regretting ever agreeing to this. What would she do if he didn't turn up? Would they just come back to Forks and carry on as normal without him? Or would they go even further? Just how far were the family willing to take this without accepting defeat?
And while she found it difficult to mask the pain and hurt Edward had caused, she had no hope of concealing the hope that was erupting in her heart now. Maybe she could bring Edward home – they all could. Everything would be alright, normal almost, or as normal as it ever could be. Maybe, just maybe, things could be good.
She could only hope.
A/N:
Okay, so it's been 5 months. I am on my hands and knees in apologies since even then the update was telling someone to fuck off. In my pitiful defence, my computer broke and I have a weird fear of writing in front of people, so I have to fit it in around college and being alone; hence why it has taken 5 months. There really is no excuse, but I can only hope that you can forgive me.
^.^
Please?
I'll be good and update… I might even be getting a laptop, which means I can hide away and write all night if I want. But I might be getting one. I hope.
You can hurl abuse at me, give me everything you have!
I started a blog though, just because I felt the need while all the snow was pouring from the sky and shut everyone in the house. If anyone is interested I could start posting things on there about Don't I Know You? But up till now it's just kind of a posting thing for me.
Thank you, my ever faithful Readers xx
I owe you everything.