I am consilodating some of my fics. This was first posted 7-7-07. I had only been writing fanfiction for a year at that time.

Comes Back to Catch Her Every Time She Falls

Chapter One

2000

At first he wanted to die.

No one would think Jason Morgan was the suicidal type. In truth, he wasn't. But with a bullet wound already in his side at that point, he wouldn't have minded if it have done its intended job and ended him.

Then he just wanted to leave town, as Liz nursed him back to health. He could barely look at her then. He didn't want to risk anyone seeing his broken heart in his eyes. Could the whole world tell? Probably, he decided.

He couldn't run, not right away. Hell, he couldn't even walk at first and he certainly couldn't think. Not about anything but Carly standing on those stairs, about knowing that she gave up on him, about knowing they were over...all he could think was he fucked up everything.

He would pay for that, Jason was sure. It had already started. Because he did get back his strength. He didn't die. God, apparently, didn't think he deserved to be put out of his misery. It was time to pay for his sins, his lies, his choices...for all he did...and for all he should have done.

For a long moment Jason stood in the hallway at Harborview Towers, outside of Sonny's door.

Johnny stood at his post. But his eyes stayed pointed at a spot on the wall. He didn't ask about the bag Jason was holding, or tell him not to compound this mess by taking off. He just stood guard, in silence, but Jason knew he didn't approve of this...of him leaving...of him breaking his word to her.

I did that a long time ago, man, Jason silently told him.

His hand reached out and touched the door.

"Mr. Man!" Carly cried. Her voice was light and full of laughter.

Jason pictured Micheal running across the living room, on his chubby little legs, wearing that smile that reminded everyone of Carly. Pure trouble, but too cute to resist.

They were happy- without him. It was what he wanted on the day he told Carly he wouldn't fight to keep Micheal anymore. He had wanted her away from A.J, he had wanted her to not be trapped in a life she didn't choose, he had wanted his son free of being tugged back and forth. Jason got all he wanted and he got nothing he ever wanted.

He lost them- forever.

It was time to tell her that. I'm leaving...and I won't be back, he silently practiced.

But thinking of her face crumpling, of the inevitable accusation "You lied, Jase!", he couldn't knock on that door and leave her with another memory of him letting her down. Or maybe that was just some bullshit rationalization he told himself, he was good at doing that when it came to her.

Either way, Jason didn't knock that day, he didn't say good- bye to her. He couldn't ever really do that when it came to Carly and Micheal. He could get close to those words, saying "I can't do this...be want you want...what you need. It won't work..." but to say "Good-bye forever. I love you but it's not enough," was more than he could force out of his mouth. Even if it was true.

He took a step back and another and another, till he was at the elevator. He hit the button, but couldn't stand the minute wait it would take for the doors to open, and fled for the stairs.

The whole way down images of Carly flashed through his mind.

(You found hope, you found faith.
Found how fast she could take it away. )

Found true love, but lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.

He didn't ever want to love her. From the first moment she pulled him down onto the bed at Jake's, with her dangerous smile and eyes full of heartache and a thousand temptations he could never resist, he had not wanted her in his heart.

For her knew, once she was there, she would never leave. And how could he cope with that? She was more than he could handle, and all he wanted now...and all he would never have again.

(She made it easy, made it free.
Made you hurt till you couldn't see. . )

Sometimes it stops, sometimes it flows.
But baby, that is how love goes

But he hadn't wanted it to go this way. He hadn't asked her to love him, he hadn't tried to love her back.

Still one day- he couldn't remember which one now- he looked up and she was his whole damn life.
It felt wrong to leave her behind, to admit they were never gonna be that family she dreamed about, that his son was not his anymore and never would be again.

But this is what he asked for...Jason knew she wasn't his the moment he ended them months before.

He had given her up, and their son, and all she did was believe him.

How could she believe me? he asked himself as his feet hit the ground floor, then he jogged into the lobby, and out onto the street, sucking in a gulp of fresh air.

Jason stopped and looked back up at the apartment where she lived with Sonny now, and there she was, on the terrace.

(You will fly and you will crawl.
God knows even angels fall. . )

No such thing as you've lost it all.
God knows even angels fall

From this distance, he couldn't see her eyes, and knew she couldn't see his but still he felt exposed, caught. He even wondered if she guessed what he was doing. It wasn't logical- nothing about them ever was.

"I don't know what I would do without you, Jase. If you ever left me..."

"I will never leave you."

"All I do is wreck your life..."

"I don't mind."

"But you don't like it..."

"I'm still here."

"I'll chase you away, eventually, and you'll be glad to get rid of me..."

"That's not true."

"You're the best, Jase..."

Only for you, he had thought that day and knew it was true now.

"Man, I love you, Jason. I do...I love you and our family," she had confessed through tears.

And I love you...and it doesn't change a thing, he thought now.

His feet were rooted on the ground, his eyes still looking up at her. He couldn't know for sure she even saw him, yet he did know. Carly was watching him. She was asking him not to do this- to them, to their family, to their lives.

But he had done it all, and she had, already. All their moves were played.

Game over.

(You will fly and you will crawl.
God knows even angels fall.

No such thing as you've lost it all.)

People around town always said Carly was going to be the destruction of Jason Morgan...but he never thought that was true. She made him a man, a father, a best friend...she forced her way into his heart and life...she made him love her...and she broke him down. But he destroyed her.

It was done in that moment when he walked over to his bike, got on, and rode out of Port Charles- intending to never return.

Because he didn't know how to forgive her, or himself, or save them. And so he broke his promise.

"I will catch you whenever you fall, Carly..."

(...God knows even angels fall. Even angels fall.
Even angels fall. ) ( Jessica Riddle)