We've worked super hard on this chapter so you could have it to read this weekend :)
We hope you enjoy part 2 to December 18, and please tell us what you think.
Both of us have been fairly busy but we really enjoy writing and working on this gorgeous story whenever we can.
Love always, keeperofwords and Hayley
Chapter 10: Fragile Reunion Dec 18 Part 2
Rachel looked at what was on her plate and scrunched her nose.
Did they really expect me to eat this? Rachel asked herself, noticing that Barbra, on the other hand, seemed very excited about it. A piece of lettuce with stinky fish that looks like throw up?
The Siamese cat was under Rachel's feet at the table, purring trying to get anyone's attention there who would dare look down at her.
Rachel didn't want to seem in any way ungrateful, and she was admittedly very hungry. But this fish just looked very unappetizing, to a nine year old, and frankly, Rachel had to wonder how it looked at all appetizing to Shelby or Cassie. Maybe it's 'cause adults have to sometimes eat things they don't like. Rachel tried to reason. To stay healthy? Cassie's a dancer, and they have to stay healthy, right? But I'm not a dancer…
Shelby had her back to Rachel, still fixing two more plates for Cass and herself. Cassie was in the bathroom washing her hands. Rachel tore off a piece of lettuce and stuck it in Barbra's face. The cat merely sniffed it, but did not take a bite. Rachel thought Barbra might not like to eat from human being's hands, so she dropped it on the floor. The Siamese bent down and sniffed it again, but rejected it.
Barbra does not like lettuce either, Rachel noticed. I don't want to be ungrateful and I should know better than to turn down a free meal but this smells terrible.
Rachel picked up her fork, tentatively speared a piece of tuna fish, hesitantly put it up to her mouth, and closed her eyes. She shoved it in her mouth and forced herself to chew.
You could be looking though the garbage cans, Rachel, she told herself. This came out of a fresh can and is supposedly "good for me".
The young brunette could not even swallow it. She could not stop her mouth from rejecting it. It spewed out of her mouth before she realized it, and it fell right onto Shelby's clean floor. Rachel was terrified and disgusted, though Barbra seemed to have some sort of interest in it. The Siamese ran to that barely chewed tuna fish that landed onto the floor. Her little purr rose in volume as she bent down and took a bite.
Rachel smirked and bit her lip, she was just about to put the plate on the floor when she saw Shelby staring at the floor with a look of horror. The perfectionist inside of her head was screaming at the top of her lungs. Out of the corner of her eye, Rachel saw Cassie at the door. Unlike the brunette, Cassie had a smile on her face and was just shaking her head. Shelby gave her wife a peculiar look—the patience that Cassandra was having with this child today seemed unrealistic—especially for Cassandra July.
"Rachel, honey, let's not give Barbra any tuna." The blonde said to the girl. "Shelbs here has got her on a diet," Cassie was trying hard not to laugh out loud, least she get the wrath of her overemotional wife. "Why did you spit your lunch on the floor?" she had to admit she was curious.
"It stunk and looked like throw up," Rachel whispered, not wanting to look up at either of them. She knew she was in trouble. Shelby had given her a real strange look. Though the brunette was longing for a daughter, her daughter, she was unaccustomed to feeding a child. In her own childhood, she'd eaten everything her parents did, so she had just assumed that was what Rachel would do, too. She must have even seen her spit it out. Rachel did not want Shelby to be mad at her. Shelby had not shown her that she was the type to hit or yell, but Rachel really did not know that for sure.
"And it tasted like the stuff I pull out of dumpster sometimes to eat," Rachel tried to defend herself sniffing. Rachel hated all these tears. This had been nothing but a day full of tears for everyone, and she had thought that they were all so much stronger. She had never cried so much at one time in her whole life. The little brunette suddenly found the floor a lot more interesting than either adult's face. "I, I tried it but it came back up. Shelby, I am sorry I messed your floor up."
"Hey, Hey Rachel," Shelby cooed at the little girl who was getting way to upset over something that really was not a big deal. Shelby actually blamed herself—of course a nine year old wasn't going to eat tuna and lettuce. What was she thinking?
Well, really she wasn't thinking. She was just existing, today.
"It's okay. Barbra helped clean it up, and then we can use a Clorox wipe on it. We won't even have to mop, okay?" The singer assured the youngster, reaching a tentative hand up and cupping Rachel's chin, ever so gently, so she would look up. "Let's just not give Barbra anymore, okay? We don't want her to get too much people food. She has her own."
Shelby opened her arms and reached them around Rachel for a reassuring hug. The little girl melted into her. Shelby had no idea how it happened but a few moments later, it was her sitting in the seat that Rachel had been sitting in. Shelby now had Rachel in her lap, curled into her, with the girl's head on her shoulder. To Shelby, it felt so right and like it was such a natural thing to do. For the first time in her life she felt so…maternal. The singer felt she may also be disloyal to her own lost daughter, for a moment, but that was only a fleeting thought. For now.
Rachel patted her shoulder and whispered in her ear, "You give good hugs, Shelby, and your lap is soft."
Cassie appeared to Shelby and Rachel's side and leaned down to kiss Shelby's cheek, before whispering in Rachel's ear,
"How about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?" the dancer asked, still with a hint of amusement in her voice. Of course it would be difficult for a nine year old to even attempt to be accustomed to Shelby's obnoxiously healthy and rare cooking.
"Triangles?" Rachel asked, not moving off of Shelby's lap but looking up at the blonde.
"Triangles and no crust if you would like," Cass promised, laughing out loud at the enthusiastic nod that she received. "Alrighty then. One PBJ coming up. Shelby can eat your plate, Rachel. She is sitting down, after all. I got this."
"I'm sittin here, Cassie," Rachel told the blonde as a PBJ sandwich was placed at one of the two empty chairs at the four seat table. Rachel wiggled her bottom on Shelby's lap for emphasis then leaned over the table and grabbed her sandwich.
Shelby was finding it harder and harder to distance herself emotionally from Rachel. Though she had been trying to, on the grounds of not knowing for sure how long she would be able to stay, and on the grounds of staying loyal to her own daughter. The little brunette was making it nearly impossible. It was not her story, or how cute she was; it was something more basic and human. When she held the little girl, when Rachel's small thin body snuggled in close, it was like the act alone was chipping away at a part of herself that she had hidden away behind the largest of walls. It was the side of her humanity that wanted to nurture, defend, and protect a child in any way that would be called maternal. Shelby was a wife, a teacher, an actress, a performer, and an advocate for mentoring the next generation of talent—but that was all she had allowed herself to be seen as, or to see herself as.
Earlier that morning, they all had woken up on the couch, Rachel was nestled under Shelby's neck and her head was on her chest. The foundation of that brick wall had begun to shake and all through the day so far Shelby felt bricks being chipped at and broken.
So now, she was eating, with this enchanting little girl who broke into their home, on her lap. It took a little extra effort to eat, but that was not really a big deal. Particularly when Cassie finished first and started feeding her.
"That's funny Cassie, why are you feeding Shelby, she is OLD. She's too big," Rachel asked with an impish grin, but there was also something there that quick witted Cassandra picked up on.
"Because kid, you are never too old to be loved and taken care of," Cassie explained, putting more tuna fish on the fork and putting it in her sweetheart's mouth. "It makes Shelby feel loved, special and it makes me feel loving towards her."
"I don't know what love feels like, "Rachel said honestly, finishing one of the two triangles and leaning her back totally into Shelby's front. "But I feel safe and not scared when you and Shelby touch my hand, hold me or let me sit on your lap."
"I am very glad about that sweetie, because you are safe and I don't want you to ever be afraid of me," Shelby whispered, unable to restrain herself. She kissed the top of Rachel's head. Another brick fell and Shelby was not going to make any effort to hold onto the brick to rebuild her wall later. She instinctively knew that.
Shelby's musing was interrupted by Cassie's big toe rubbing against her bare foot. It was not teasing or flirty. It felt affectionate and like a gentle reminder that Cass was there for her, always.
"I love you too," Shelby spoke softly, lifting her head ever so slightly and puckering her lips as if to beg for a kiss. It was a kiss that was quickly granted. Cass may have intended it to be quick and brief but let Shelby take the lead. Shelby reached one arm around Cassie's neck and held her there. The message that Shelby sent her lover was clear: I love you. I want you, and you complete me.
"You're squishing me," Rachel squeaked with a giggle, causing both women to draw apart quickly. Both looked down to see Rachel's smiling face. "I liked it though. It felt like I was the peanut butter and you both were pieces of bread. We three are all a sandwich." She concluded with a head nod.
"A sandwich, huh?" Cassie said, surprising Rachel by dropping a soft quick kiss to her forehead. "Is that a hint you want another?"
"Um, yeah…unless Shelby has changed her mind and we can have cupcakes now?" Rachel asked, turning her body slightly so she could look up at Shelby with her big brown eyes.
"After dinner," Shelby's voice answered firmly, but it did not scare Rachel like the Reverend or her daddies had done. Shelby placed another kiss to the top of her head.
"One more PB&J coming up," Cassie said standing back up to the counter where the jelly and peanut butter still sat. While she fixed it, Cassie found herself thinking more and more. She had a good amount of time to study Rachel and Shelby. They looked so much alike. Rachel shared Shelby's lost daughter's birthday. Rachel was the same age. That was a lot of coincidences.
"Hey kid, were you born in Lima? Shelby was. I was born in New York," Cassie asked trying not to sound to probing.
"No. My daddies said they took me from Columbus then came back here," Rachel said, gratefully taking the second sandwich from Cassie and taking a bite. "They might have lied though. They were bad men and the police took them away."
Shelby and Cassie shared a look and had a mental conversation again. Shelby mouthed the word "Holly" and Cassie nodded. Cassie mouthed "Later" and Shelby nodded back in agreement.
"Hey, you both sing so good. Can you do something together this afternoon and can I watch?" Rachel asked, taking a bite and then reaching for her glass of milk.
"What do you think Shelbs? You up for it?" Cassie asked, stepping away from the counter and coming back to the table before sitting down.
"Sounds good to me," Shelby said, looking first at Cassandra and then down at Rachel.
"Yeah," Rachel said excitedly, pumping her fist.
"Ok. Then it's settled." Cassandra smiled at Rachel's excitement and Shelby's genuine desire to participate. It was going to be an interesting afternoon.
. . .
Cassandra let Shelby pick the song they were going to sing, partly due to the reason that Shelby looked like she needed to make a decision right about now to distract her from doing anything rash, and partially because Cassandra wasn't in the right mind set to think about what was appropriate and not appropriate to sing in front of a young girl.
In the end, Shelby had decided on For Good. It was a song Rachel had already heard, since she'd watched Wicked, and it was a beautiful duet between two women that she and Cassie could sing together.
Taking out a microphone for Cassie as well as one for herself, Shelby hit the play button on the stereo and the first few piano notes struck through the speakers, cuing the brunette to start with Elphaba's part with the instrumental version of the song.
"I'm limited," Shelby sang, glancing over at Cassandra from across the grand piano, half for dramatic effect and also because Cass was all the way on the other side of the room. Shelby gave a half laugh and whispered, "Just look at me." flickering her gaze to the ground before closing her eyes and singing with such passion, "I'm limited. And just look at you, you can do all I couldn't do, Glinda." Shelby's eyes already glistened. This song was so powerful no matter how many times she sang it.
Cass had to scoff in her mind for a moment at the fact that she, in this song, was the frilly, effervescent Glinda of the North. But in this song she was more than just the pink blonde stereotype and Cassie knew that wholeheartedly. This song meant a lot to both women, emotionally.
"So now it's up to you," Shelby continued, walking towards Cassandra and whispering, "For the both of us," before finishing up the intro, "Now it's up to you..."
Rachel sat on the studio floor, her back pressed against the mirror, and her little head very nearly touching the barre above her. She watched intently, completely taken over by feeling. She watched as Shelby's entire demeanor changed the second she had starting singing. She could see what the music did to these women. They were so passionate about what they did. It was truly very beautiful to watch.
"I've heard it said," Cassandra started. "That people come into our lives for a reason. Bringing something we must learn. And we are lead, to those, who help us most to grow, if we let them." she smiled at her wife very gently and Shelby's silent tear back was a wordless thank you for everything Cassandra had ever done for her. For making her feel comforted. For loving her and holding her, and never letting her go. For thinking her so strong on the days where she felt like the weakest person in the whole world. "And we help them in return," Cass continued to sing, taking a step towards Shelby and shaking her head, shrugging her shoulders and singing, "Well I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you." she took Shelby's hand in hers, tightly. "Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun. Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but, because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
The next verse Shelby always sang for her lost daughter—yet another reason why she had chosen this particular song. For its double meaning, and for its sincerity.
"It well may be," her voice was low and sad but full of hope. Full of love. "That we will never meet again in this lifetime. So let me say before we part, so much of me, is made of I learned from you. You'll be with me," she let another silent tear fall, her face raw and red from all that she'd shed today. She vowed not to let herself cry again for a long time after today. She absolutely loathed tears. "Like a handprint on my heart," her right hand placed over hear heart, she took a long deep breath and continued without breaking, turning her story and meaning towards Rachel. "And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend," she winked at the little girl and the girl winked back, excitedly. It was like watching Wicked in real life. Up close.
She was dazzled by Shelby and Cassie's performance.
"Like a ship blown from its mooring, by a wind off the sea," Shelby carried on. "Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But, because I knew you," Shelby's hand had never left Cassie's and she squeezed it tightly before finishing the verse and continuing onto the verse, "I have been changed for good...and just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness, for the things I've done you blame me for."
It was her apology for all of the tears. For all of the long, sleepless, nightmare filled nights. For all of the breakdowns and panic attacks and freak out sessions.
"But then I guess we both have blame to share," Cass continued before they both harmonized,
"And none of it seems to matter anymore..."
They interspersed the verses simultaneously; two voices like angels combining to make the most gorgeous of duets.
"Oh like a ship blown from its mooring-"
"Like a comet pulled from orbit-"
"By a wind off the sea-"
"As it passes the sun-"
"Like a stream that meets a boulder, halfway through the-"
"Like a seed dropped by a bird in the-"
They ended up together on, "Wood."
And as they harmonized throughout the rest of the song, they pulled each other close-their hands always linked.
"Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better..."
"And, because I knew you..."
"Because I knew you..."
They both finished the song wonderfully; Shelby having a bit more closure than she had at the start. "I have been changed...for good..."
As the song ended, Rachel clapped and clapped and clapped and clapped. "You two are AMAZING." she exclaimed. "Why'd you stop Broadway? You're so great! You could be so rich if you sang outside of the grocery store like I used to! You'd sure get a lot of money because you're so great at performing and people would love to hear you sing and watch you perform..." the girl was rambling and Shelby smiled down at her.
"You think so?" she asked, unsure what else to say. She felt horrible that the young girl'd had to result to busking in front of the grocery store, even if it wasn't her fault that it'd happened. She knew she shouldn't get too attached (especially not since they hadn't yet talked to Holly about if it was even a possibility to be able to keep Rachel) but she couldn't help but feel some sort of connection to Rachel. She felt like she needed to protect the young girl forever and ever. She definitely did not want to let the young one out of her sight. If she and Cassandra had anything to do with it, Rachel would never be hurt ever again.
. . .
Rachel had seen the basket of toys in the room with the TV when they had watched Cats and then Wicked. It had a bunch of toys for Barbra and the little girl was itching to try them out. Shelby had gone to make hot chocolate and Cassie to get her laptop. Cassie had promised to show Rachel some pictures of when she and Shelby performed on the stage singing. Rachel did not mind being alone, though. She could hear Shelby in the kitchen. Above her head, Rachel could hear the squeak of the wooden floor where Cassie was stepping above her head.
First, Rachel had to get Barbra's attention. The Siamese was sitting, sunning herself in a colored sunbeam that was shining through a sun catcher. It was making a beautiful beam of light on the nicely polished wooden floor. (Rachel marveled in the fact that virtually every room in the mansion had dance-ready floors). Barbra seemed to love the light that spotlighted the floor as the afternoon sun began its downward descent. Rachel got an idea to get Barbra out of that spotlight. The Siamese was watching her with one eye open. The little girl wondered how the cat could sleep like that. Rachel felt that Barbra slept almost all the time anyway. She needed some exercise.
Rachel saw that she was at least going to be alone for a little while. So she made up her mind that it was safe to "play". She stood up and walked towards the window. Standing on her tippy toes, she made the sun catcher, which was attached to a chain from the top of the window, swing back and forth.
Rachel giggled at Barbra. The Siamese opened both eyes, they instantly caught onto the movement of the light, arched her back, and pounced. Back and forth back and forth the sun catcher moved. Barbra pounced back and forth, too. The cat's tail batted at the light as she tried to pounce on it. It was a fun game for a while, but Rachel grew bored. She was just a little kid, after all.
Rachel dropped onto her knees and stroked the soft silky fur of the cat. She started to crawl over to the basket of cat toys when another basket of multi-colored ribbons caught her attention. Rachel thought she could make a rainbow of her own; sort of like the sun catcher's light in the window that Barbra liked so much.
Rachel grinned from ear to ear—she was going to make her own rainbow!
With a burst of creativity, Rachel scrambled across the floor, and into the dance studio, pulling out a red ribbon spool, a green ribbon spool, a dark blue ribbon spool and a yellow ribbon spool. Rachel easily pulled the different colors off the rolls and tied the ends together on one side. She found herself skipping around the studio in her bare feet holding onto the ribbon.
"Look, Barbra! I am dancing with a rainbow!" Rachel laughed happily. It felt good to be able to play. Rachel wanted the Siamese to play, too. The little girl jump skipped into the room with the cat and deliberately swished her rainbow of ribbons in front of the cats face. Kitty eyes blinked open as a swirl of colors dashed in front of her. The cat reached a paw out to bat the offensive thing.
It was when Barbra pounced that Rachel knew her friend was finally willing to play with her. The Siamese got her claw in one of the ribbons. Rachel had to snatch it away because the cat was also trying to bite it. Rach knew she was going to have to move faster, and decided she was going to add some of the jumps Cassie showed her, in order to be one step ahead.
Rachel pretended she was the sky, pulling out a rainbow from the clouds with the help of the sun after an icy, glistening afternoon.
"I'm a rainbow woke up by the sunshine. I'm a rainbow making the day all fine. I'm a rainbow colors in a long line," Rachel sang a song she made up in a sing song voice.
Cass perked her head up upon hearing a young voice singing from the room downstairs. Just as Shelby was finishing stirring the mix for her hot chocolate, she heard it, too.
The young girl was singing some song about a rainbow.
"I'm a rainbow woke up by the sunshine. I'm a rainbow making the day all fine. I'm a rainbow colors in a long line." the little soprano voice trilled up to the adult's ears and they couldn't help but smile softly at each other.
However, Shelby's face fell almost as soon as it had appeared. "What if she's a singer too, Cassie?" She half-whispered her question, feeling desperate to know more about the little girl she was forced to live a life apart from. "What if she has musical ability? What if she dreams of being on a stage, too? We never got a chance to train her. Or hear her sing. Or see just how wonderful-" her voice cracked and she dry swallowed, her hand shaking so much that she had to put her hot chocolate down so it wouldn't spill. "How wonderful she is..."
"Hey, hey," Cassie cooed, taking Shelby's shaking hands in her own and kissing her knuckles softly. "Shelby, listen to me." she pleaded. She looked down into Shelby's soft green eyes forcefully. "Are you listening?" she asked.
Shelby nodded roughly, and Cassandra continued.
"I don't know where she is, my love. But I can assure you that she is wonderful, and she is talented and she is smart just like her mother. I can assure you she loves you very much. I know we are going to find her one day, okay? And wherever she is right now, I'm positive she's having fun. Okay?"
Cass wiped a tear off of Shelby's cheek with her thumb as the brunette nodded. "Okay."
"Sweetheart, we need to get back down to Rachel."
Shelby nodded again, feeling comforted but slightly numb. "Okay."
"Alright?" Cass placed a lingering kiss to her wife's forehead and together they made it down the stairs and to the room where Rachel was dancing and having a grand old time.
Holding her hot chocolate in the doorway, Shelby watched, Cass close behind her, as Rachel spun around in circles with a strand of Cassie's ribbons being maneuvered around her in swirls. She giggled as she twirled, feeling like a princess, and the two women shared a warm exchange of a smile as they watched the little girl enjoying herself for what seemed like the first time in a very long time. Based on what they had learned so far about Rachel and observed from her behavior, it wasn't often that this girl got to have any fun.
Cassandra was pleased that Rachel was so easily amused with her colored ribbons. The dancer herself had to admit that they were quite entertaining.
"I'm a rainbow, colors from the rain. I'm a rainbow, and there'll be no more pain. I'm a rainbow, shining through. I'm a rainbow and I love you." Rachel continued to make up the song as she went along, dancing and playing cat and mouse with the Siamese that belonged to the dancer in the doorway, blissfully unaware of the adults' presence.
"That's beautiful," Shelby couldn't help but tell her. "Did you write it?"
The young girl jumped at the sound and froze where she was, dropping the ribbon with her eyes wide. She spun around, scared from getting caught messing with Cassandra's things. Whenever she was caught touching something that wasn't hers at the Reverend's home, there was punishment. She started to get scared, dry swallowing coarsely. She knew she should've asked before she got the ribbons out. But she hadn't wanted to go upstairs and bother them because what if Shelby was crying again and needed to just be with Cassie?!
"I-I'm sorry!" Rachel exclaimed worriedly, talking quickly. "I know I should've asked before I played with the ribbons, but I saw the sun catcher and how Barbra got excited and I wanted to make my own rainbow for Barbra to play with please please don't be mad, I won't do it again, and I-"
"Rachel, honey..." Cassandra crouched down to her level. "We aren't mad. Not even a little bit." she smiled to show she was telling the truth. But the smile didn't convince Rachel—the Reverend had always smiled, too.
"I was just complimenting your song, honey." Shelby agreed, trying to keep her composure. She knew she needed to focus on the present, and not on the past. "It was really pretty. I was wondering if you came up with it yourself?"
Slightly less concerned, Rachel swallowed and nodded, blushing lightly. "It wasn't anything, really. I was just singing along to the game that Barbra and I were playing."
"Well it was lovely," Cassandra assured her. "And for future reference, you will always have permission to play with my ribbons, so long as you put them back when you're done. Sound fair?"
Rachel nodded, excited at the idea of being able to dance with the ribbons again, and with a glimmer of hope in her eyes. Cassandra had said "future"...did that mean she was planning on letting Rachel stay there with them?!
Before anyone could continue, the little one's stomach growled loudly. Rachel grabbed her stomach the minute she realized it was growling. Sometimes she got swatted when her stomach growled in front of her daddies. She was hungry a lot at the Reverend's house. The difference was the Reverend told her it was to help repent from her sins. He called it a time for prayer and fasting
"Hungry, sweetie?" Shelby laughed to try to lighten the mood-she'd seen the look the girl got on her face when she'd realized her stomach was growling. It was already getting pretty late, and dinner was probably in order by now. Shelby wasn't sure why Rachel looked so afraid to be hungry, but she vowed to solve the hunger problem quickly. She glanced down at her own stomach, and placed a hand on it.
"I am, too." she wanted to try to connect more with Rachel—to try to show her that both she and Cassie could be trusted, even on days of mourning. "We should probably start making some dinner pretty soon. Don't worry," she added, seeing Rachel's face which practically screamed don't-make-me-eat-tuna-this-time, "No fish for dinner."
The young girl let out a relieved sigh she wasn't aware she was holding in and made Shelby giggle again. She took Rachel's hand and together they walked to the kitchen, with Cassie close behind.
Shelby walked straight to the kitchen drawer and pulled it open. Inside of it was a bunch of their favorite take out/delivery places. After the lunch fiasco, Shelby wanted to make up for it. The girl had called tuna fish vomit after all. She pulled out a whole stack of the delivery papers and started to thumb through them.
"Let's see: we've got Chinese, Italian, the Deli, Breadstix, and then the pizza parlor," Shelby told Cassie and Rachel, who were standing in the doorway.
"Shelby, we can just have cupcakes for dinner if you want," Rachel told Shelby, grabbing hold of Cassie's hand and pulling her down so the blonde's ear was to her mouth. "I don't like Bacon either Cassie. Don't let Shelby fix us bacon."
Cassie suddenly realized it was not Barbra who had gotten sick on the floor that morning. More and more things were all clicking together now.
"Sweetie, how many times do I have to tell you," Shelby laughed warmly, shaking her head from side to side. "We can't have cupcakes for dinner. It's unhealthy to eat just that."
Besides that, Shelby thought to herself, I have a routine. If I don't do anything else for my daughter today, I have to at least stick to my routine. We have to have the cupcake after dinner. I think I might go crazy. Am I going crazy? I'm probably going crazy…
She turned her attention to her wife, who could sense her confusion and fast beating heart. Cassie made a comforting expression of warning to Shelby—a signal to her lover to take a deep breath and calm down, before saying,
"I think we should let Rachel decide." she took Shelby's hand, wordlessly and so quickly that it went unnoticed by Rachel, who piped up and said,
"Can we have pizza?"
Shelby gave her a smile. "Of course we can have pizza."
Cassie squeezed Shelby's hand before saying, "No bacon. Rachel told me she doesn't like it."
Shelby noticed with another pang of guilt that Rachel was getting along with Cassie better than she was getting along with her. She told herself it was only because it was the 18th. Any other day and Rachel would love them both equally. She hoped. Shelby knew she wasn't thinking straight. She had to calm down, somehow.
"Pizza it is." she was talking but she wasn't hearing her own words. She was very distracted. Numbly, she dialed the pizza parlor's number.
She was barely aware when the phone was taken from her hand by Cassie. She was, however, aware of a tugging on her shirt and arms that reached up and wanted to be picked up. She looked down and bore into expressive, concerned eyes.
"Hold me? I don't care about dumb cupcakes, Shelby. Your daughter needs them more than me. I don't know much about birthdays anyway." Rachel explained, reaching her arms up and looking more like she was five instead of nine. "Can I just have a birthday hug that lasts a real, real long time? I am not so scared when you hold me."
Shelby thought she was going to tear up at the gesture.
Carefully, with slightly shaky arms, she bent down to pick the girl up. She hugged her tightly, tears flowing down her face that she didn't even feel. She knew that this little girl couldn't replace her little girl. But damn, it felt so similar. Rachel Berry seemed like she COULD be her little girl. Shelby's mind was so very confused. So, she decided she wasn't going to think about it anymore. Instead, she just held Rachel like the girl had asked. Rachel wrapped her legs tightly around Shelby's waist and Shelby did not relinquish her hold in any way, shape, or form.
Cassandra, after finishing the call, glanced over to see her wife and new little rascal in a tight, comforting embrace. She decided she wasn't going to interrupt them.
"Thank you, Rachel." Shelby whispered into the little girl's ear.
"Can we have a fire tonight?"
"Can we eat by the fire like we are camping?'
"Can I sit in your lap to eat Shelby?"
"Will you hold me, Shelby, till the food gets here?"
"Does Barbra eat Pizza?"
"When does she eat dinner?"
That was a lot of questions for Shelby's already overwhelmed mind to comprehend. Recognizing this, Cass answered for her.
"I'm sure we can eat by the fire tonight, and I'm sure Shelby won't mind if you stay close to her, sweetheart. But let's not overwhelm her, okay? Remember to be gentle."
"You don't have to be "gentle"," Shelby responded, ever her own savior. Cassandra sighed. Just tonight, couldn't Shelby let herself be treated gently? With compassion and comfort? Didn't she realize she didn't always have to be hard? That she could sometimes be fragile?
"I'm sorry," Rachel suddenly felt guilty. She had been having so much fun this afternoon that she had forgotten how sad Shelby was. And it was a day that Cassie and Shelby cried. And she had ruined it. "I am sorry I am a selfish, ungrateful child," Rachel said the last part under her breath, tucking her head in Shelby's hair and hiding. She did not want the ladies to see her crying now. "I always ruin everything."
"Shh, Shh, Rachel..." Shelby cooed her. "That's not what Cassie meant at all. You're not selfish, sweetheart, you're anything but selfish. We're very thankful that you're here with us today." she tried to console the girl but nothing seemed to be working.
Now there were two people standing and crying and one blonde woman, biting her lip and standing off to the side, pushing back the tears she'd been holding all day.
Shelby motioned for her wife to join them.
"My goodness, so much tears for two beautiful brunettes," Cassie told the pair, joining them and wrapping an arm around Shelby, kissing her head. The blonde made no attempt to tell them not to cry. Honestly, she thought it was helping both of them. Shelby was finally letting it all out and as the same time she had grasped hold to Rachel closer. The two were melted into each other. It was hard to tell where one brunette ended and the other started. Both had lost a lot but they also, on this night, had been given something: each other.
The blonde let go of Shelby's back long enough to gather the throw that was folded on the back of the couch and put it in front of the fire. Cassie watched Shelby out of the corner of her eye. She was crying into the top of Rachel's head; Rachel's whole face was tucked in Shelby's brown hair. She was sobbing, with her cries muffled by Shelby's shoulder.
Cassie moved her hand to Shelby's back and led her to the fireplace, where she turned on the gas logs. Instead of sitting on the couch, Cassie pulled the throw from the back of it and placed it on the floor.
"Sit down, sweetheart," Cassie told Shelby, kissing her wife's ear.
"I think it is my turn to sing to you both this time," Cassie told the pair, not really sure they heard her. Cassie sat down crossed legged on the throw beside Shelby and started to sing.
"Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moon light
Someone's thinking of me, and loving me tonight
Somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another, in that big somewhere out there.
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing, on the same bright star."
Rachel started sniffing as she listened. Cassie had a beautiful voice. Her voice sounded like an angel would if they were singing from heaven. She was not about to let go of Shelby, though. She kept her face tucked into Shelby's hair and continued to listen. She did notice that Shelby was taking deep breaths and sniffing, too.
"And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping, underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there, if love can see us through
Then we'll be together, somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star."
Rachel realized that Shelby was no longer crying. She was rubbing her back. The young girl was not used to having people rub her back, but she liked it. In fact, Shelby was rocking her gently in her arms.
Cassie looked over at the two brunette's, glad that the three of them had this music to enjoy, soothe and comfort each other today. Shelby was finally looking her in the eye. The look was that of total love, devotion and even a hint of desire. Cassie fell in love with Shelby every time Shelby gave her that look. But the blonde was a multitasker, and so she kept singing,
"And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping, underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there, if love can see us through
Then we'll be together, somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true."
"Now my sweethearts, you both need to remember that you share that tonight under the same sky, those that love you are thinking about you and loving you," Cassie told the pair.
"Cassie, that song is about a mouse, I saw it at the library. I stay there a lot. It's warmer in there. I stay there till closing. They have songs you can check out but I am not old enough and don't have a library card anyway." Rachel told Cassie shifting so she was even more snuggled under Shelby's hair. Rachel was very glad that Shelby did not seem to mind her snuggling. Rachel felt very safe.
Cassie and Shelby shared another look and had another mental conversation. It was another fact that was coming out little by little about Rachel and her situation.
"Where were you sleeping, before you came here?" Shelby asked, knowing she was taking a risk. She rocked Rachel in her arms and rubbed her back. Her actions were meant to show that Rachel was safe and cared for—that it was okay for her to talk.
"Oh, it depends on what was opened. A lot of nights, different churches leave their doors open for meetings and such. I slept in the grocery store boxes by the dumpster one night when I could not find anywhere else to go," Rachel shared, not really shy about it anymore. She felt safe in Shelby's arms; like it was the most natural place in the world for her to be.
Rachel stopped talking when the doorbell rang. At one point in her life, she would have jumped and ran. This time, she did not do either one. Shelby grabbed her more securely and whispered she was safe and that dinner was here before she could even consider being afraid and running away.
It felt very strange for her not to run, but Rachel liked it very much.
"Shelby, you are the safest place in the whole wide world," Rachel whispered, unsure if Shelby'd heard her.
The brunette held the little girl tighter, feeling a strange comfort towards Rachel and strong hatred towards her parents. She should've been able to have this—this mother daughter connection that would've been hers—they should not have been allowed to just take it away from her. Of course, she and Cassie had looked for her little girl before. They'd had their friend Holly try to help them, but it was a completely closed adoption. Even with Holly's help, they were unable to find the information they needed—especially since they didn't even know her daughter's name.
I don't even know her name. Shelby wanted to scream. Damn it, I don't even know my daughter's name! What the HELL gave my parents the right to dictate me?! I'm RUINED because of them. LOOK at what they've done to me. She had her eyes squeezed shut tightly. Her chest felt like it was constricting. She felt revengeful, somehow.
But then Shelby heard Rachel's words to her, ringing through her ears.
The safest place in the whole wide world…
I am? Shelby tried to make herself see reason again. Get yourself together, Shelby. This little girl needs you. It is horrible that your daughter was taken away from you. You will grieve about it later on tonight. Right now, you are the safest place in the whole wide world to a little girl whose life has been pure hell. That's what matters. Take a deep breath.
She did so, and whispered, "You are safe. You are safe, darling."
Cassandra, during Shelby and Rachel's exchange, had gone to answer the door, paid the delivery man, and got them all slices of pizza on paper plates (she knew very well that by the end of the night, neither she nor Shelby was going to be in the mood to do any dishes). She put their food on the table in front of the fire. The sun was completely set now, earlier than usual because of the winter season and daylight savings. The large fire's glow illuminated faces and objects. When Shelby was finally able to allow herself to open her eyes and look up, she saw her beautiful wife; Cassandra's long, wavy blonde hair was pulled off to one side of her, draped down her right shoulder. She had her head down and was looking down at her dinner, waiting for Shelby and Rachel to start eating. Feeling Shelby's gaze, Cass looked up and smiled softly at her wife—softly and supportively. Shelby considered herself so very lucky to have someone like Cassandra as her life partner. Cassandra thought quite the same thing about Shelby.
Though this December 18th was certainly hard on everybody, it was the first year that Shelby was actually somewhat functional. It was true that this wasn't Shelby's only mourning day. Of course, she was sad about her daughter throughout the years, not just once a year. She thought about her daughter all the time. But on this particular day she was especially reminded. The fact that Rachel was here to remind her more, should have been concerning—Cassandra had figured that Shelby would have reacted much different than she had.
It seemed as if Shelby was actually starting to be accepting of the fact that she wasn't going to get her daughter back, and, though it was saddening, there was nothing else that she could do. She was trying, for once, to live in the moment. It was all Cassandra could ever ask for.
Rachel looked up now too and scooted so that she was sitting in Shelby's lap, with her back pressed against her older doppelganger's chest. Shelby admired the close comfort of the little girl—it made her feel maternal, special, and like her daughter hadn't disappeared after all.
Though Shelby didn't want anybody to replace her daughter, she felt that Rachel was as close as she was ever going to get to see her baby girl again, and she knew that was a fact she was just going to have to deal with.
They pretty much ate in silence. All three were very hungry and didn't know just what to say. The moment was comfortable and quiet—a time of security and relaxation for each of them. After which, still hushed, Shelby picked Rachel up into her arms and started walking towards the kitchen. Cassandra took Shelby's side and walked with them, heading towards the box of cupcakes.
Making peace with most of her emotions, Shelby set Rachel down on the stool in front of the counter, and got out a cupcake for her, sticking the candle, that would represent hers and Shelby's daughter's birthday, inside of it.
Cass stuck a match and lit the candle, the first sounds coming out of anybody's mouth for a while being a soothing happy birthday melody. No words—just humming.
Eyes brimming with happy, tears, Rachel knew that all of this was much more than she thought she could ever ask for. It was difficult to wrap her head around the fact that days before she had been freezing in the cold, staying at the library and in dumpsters to hide from those who had hurt her all her life. It was true that she was still running and hiding from them, but she knew that her luck was quite fortunate recently. For the first time her entire life, she was having a miniature birthday celebration. She was getting a cupcake. She had a home where she felt safe, and didn't have to be afraid of everything. She had two women whom, even though they had only just met, she felt she was able to look up to and call mothers.
She knew it probably wasn't very smart of herself to be so trusting so early on. But with Shelby and Cassandra, it felt different. Usually, if she was near someone she was unsure about, she got a vibe to back up or be still or stay far away. With Shelby and Cassandra, she felt the complete opposite. She felt like they were all a family, and if she wanted mothers and these two women wanted a daughter, why couldn't they just have each other?
Rachel closed her eyes and made a wish before she blew out the candle, and Shelby and Cassandra clapped for her, softly.
For once, things seemed like they might be okay. The young girl glanced up at Shelby with a smile that was meant to be small and full of gratitude though she wasn't able to make it be a small smile. Instead it was replaced by a wide and grateful grin.
"You can eat it, Rachel," Shelby said kindly. "It's okay."
Licking her lips, Rachel unwrapped the red velvet cupcake, sticking her tongue out to taste the white frosting on top of it. She licked that, too. It tasted amazing—better than anything she'd ever had before, and she decided that cupcakes were definitely her new favorite food. She turned to her right to see Cassie eating at her own cupcake, and to her left, Shelby was slowly eating one as well. Rachel knew she should be slow eating, too, so she took her time licking off all the frosting before actually eating the cake part, (but the frosting tasted much better than the cake all by itself).
It made Rachel feel special to be a part of their tradition; especially since they weren't exactly a family, not yet anyways. They had just met each other, and even if they already felt so comfortable, there was still much to learn and share.
The little girl was okay with that, as long as it meant she could stay with Cassie and Shelby forever. Smiling down at Rachel, Shelby felt that she might want the same thing.
. . .
A bit later on, Rachel let out a huge yawn that made the little girl's mouth much larger than it usually was. She turned to Shelby and covered her mouth with a giggle. The older brunette smiled down softly at the young girl; she was obviously very tired and Shelby couldn't blame her-it had been an awfully long day for everybody.
Cass noticed the yawn as well and scooped Rachel up into her arms, causing the little girl to giggle.
"Getting sleepy, Rach?" Cass wondered, though she already knew the answer.
The young girl shook her head from side to side, in denial: she didn't want the day to end. She didn't want to go back to sleep and then wake up and things be different than they were today, because things today had been so...nice. Though Shelby was sad and it was a mourning day, it had felt so real and so...Rachel dared to admit it felt good. Though it was a sad day, it was a good day. In fact, it had been one of the very best days she'd had in a very long time. Although she hadn't known Shelby or Cassandra very long, she felt a connection with them. She wanted to be their daughter, and she wanted to stay with them, forever.
"Nope." Rachel said. "Not tired."
"I think you're being silly," Cassie tickled the little girl's stomach, making Rachel laugh and squeal, trying to jump down out of the blonde's grasp. Shelby watched her wife, precariously. She'd never seen her respond so amazingly with a child.
"I'm not being silly," Rachel laughed. "Stop tickling!" she tried to jump again but Cassie's hold was strong and teasing.
"Neverrrrr." Cassie laughed along with the girl. She felt so at peace, joking around with Rachel. She could feel the child inside of her trying to burst free and she felt it was odd. She'd never felt so close to any of the other students—she treated them all the same, with a firm hand and a loving yet strict heart.
Rachel, on the other hand...with Rachel it was different, and she couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she enjoyed the feeling. Taking care of Rachel today had actually made her feel like a mother—something she'd never imagined herself being.
"Cassieeeeeee," Rachel continued to giggle. "I can't breatheeeee," she complained.
Cassandra had been taking the young girl up the stairs and to her guest bedroom while she was administering her tickle attack. Shelby had been close behind, observing her wife's behavior with another slight pang of guilt, (those happened at random intervals throughout the day's entirety).
What if, she thought to herself, she had been my daughter? Would Cassie be just as loving with her as she is with this young girl? I'm sure she would be... she scolded herself. It's just a very new thing, to see her like this. It's a side of her I didn't know existed...which says quite a lot considering how long we've been together.
Shelby stood silently in the doorway and watched as Cassandra very gently tossed Rachel down onto the princess canopy bed. Rach scooted toward the back of the bed, in the middle so that Shelby could get on one side of her and Cassie could climb in on the other side.
Rachel yawned again, making Shelby give her a knowing smirk. "Not tired, huh?" she questioned. She only had to fight her sadness for another half hour or so, she told herself. You can cry and be regretful after she goes to sleep. Be strong for this girl. She's had a much harder life than you have.
Shaking her head from side to side, Rachel insisted she wasn't tired.
"How about a story then?" Cassie said, pulling them all under the covers, wrapping the blanket around all of them, comfortably. The young girl nodded hurriedly in agreement and Cass turned her attention to Shelby for story suggestions.
"What about Cinderella?" Shelby offered. "To fit with the princess theme?"
Nodding excitedly, Rachel got comfortable and laid her head back onto her pillow. She loved the story of Cinderella. Shelby turned to Cassie and motioned for her to start. The blonde scrunched her nose. It had been a very long time since she'd read the story of Cinderella.
"It's not going to be perfect, okay, Rach?" she warned the little girl, not wanting her hopes to be set too high.
Rachel shrugged. "Yes it will." she reasoned.
"Oh yeah?" Shelby had to giggle. "Why is that?"
"Because you two are telling it." Rachel stated simply.
Not a single thing Rachel said to the two of them was anything less than loving. It was so very sweet, and touching.
"Okay," Cassie took a deep breath, her heart swelling three sizes.
"Once upon a time, there was a girl named Cinderella. She lived with her step mother, and two ugly step sisters who always always ALWAYS ordered her around and told her what to do."
Rachel reached for Cassie and Shelby to be closer to her and the adults obliged, wrapping the young one in a hug before Shelby continued, stretching her arm across Rachel to take Cassie's hand.
The position felt so loving: like they were actually a family unit.
"Her sisters and step mother were very cruel to her, and they made her clean the entire mansion all on her own," Shelby said, comfort spreading through her as Cassie squeezed her hand. "But Cinderella didn't always mind the work—it kept her busy and away from those who were mean to her, and it gave her time to herself so she could sing."
It was so like Shelby and Cassie to make the story more like their personalities.
"You see," Cass said, "Because Cinderella had a beautiful voice even though she'd never even had a single lesson. But her step sisters, who took voice lessons every day, sounded horrible. Like a choking parrot."
"Show me!" Rachel laughed at their interpretation of one of her favorite stories.
"Oh, sing sweet nightingale high..." Cassie purposely made her voice sound horrible and Shelby giggled, taking her hand and putting it over the woman's mouth.
"Oh hush you!" Shelby insisted. Rachel teasingly put her hands over her ears and shook her head.
"No more!"
Cass laughed and tenderly kissed the hand that was over her mouth. Shelby released her hold and took Cassie's hand once more before Rachel prompted them to continue.
"What did Cinderella sound like?" Rachel asked Cassie.
Cassandra fixed her voice so that she sounded like her gorgeous self again and sang the song properly, her voice melodic and smooth. "Oh, sing sweet nightingale, sing sweet nightingale, high..."
"Is that better?" Cass wondered, with mock concern.
The little girl nodded her head once, firmly. "Much." she informed the blonde decidedly.
"So, since the step sisters liked to torture Cinderella, when they heard about the ball that was supposed to take place at the royal castle, which the whole kingdom was invited to, they saw to it that Cinderella had too much work to finish, and not enough time to do any of it. They made it so that she wouldn't be able to go."
Rachel stuck out her lower lip. "That's not very fair of them."
Shelby shook her head in agreement. "No, it's not."
"Off to the ball the step sisters went, laughing at the fact that Cinderella couldn't join in on the fun. Ella wept and wished for something, anything to happen so that she would be able to go the ball."
"Then her Fairy God Mother showed up and she was all like, "BIPPITY BOPPITY BEAUTIFUL!" Except for Ella was already beautiful, so the God Mother just made her look beautifuller." Cassie said in explanation.
"Not fuller," Shelby laughed and corrected. "She didn't look fuller, but-"
"More beautiful," Cassie rolled her eyes. There Shelby was, correcting her grammar as always.
"Much prettier than either of her step sisters."
"SO pretty that no one at the ball recognized her."
"You forgot the glass slippers!" Rachel piped up.
"Also she had glass slippers," Cassie hurriedly added with a wave of her hand. "So then she danced with the prince, making everyone else in the land insanely jealous-"
"But she was warned she had to be home by midnight, and it was already 11:59." Shelby threw in.
"She left the ball in a hurry, not telling the prince who she was."
The adults knew they had to hurry. Rachel's eyes were fluttering tiredly.
In a rush, they finished, "On her way down the staircase she lost her glass slipper."
"The prince couldn't live without her, so he searched the kingdom for the foot that would fit the shoe."
"He went to Cinderella's house and tried the step sisters,"
"But none of them fit, and he almost left and forgot Cinderella,"
"But then she tried it on and it was a perfect match,"
"And then they got married,"
"And lived happily ever after."
Rachel laughed at them. "You missed a lot." she accused.
With a sigh of ridicule, Cassie flopped herself across the length of the bed, on her back, and said, "I know," so dramatically that Shelby had to roll her eyes and smirk. "I TOLD you it wouldn't be perfecttttt..."
"But it was still gooooddddd," Rachel let her know.
"Well thank youuuuuu." Cassie teased back. "Are you ready to sleep now? You seem pretty exhausted."
"I'm not tired!" Rachel insisted. "Honest!"
Shelby and Cassie shared a knowing look and Shelby nodded. They both stood and re-positioned themselves at the edge of the bed.
"Are you sure you're not tired?" Shelby prompted before using her final tactic. "We've had quite a long day."
Rachel continued to shake her head from side to side and Cassie sighed. "I suppose you'll just have to stay awake with us then." she smiled softly. "Do you want us to sing to you?"
With another nod, Rachel felt lucky she had a warm bed to sleep in and two women who were already sort of like her mommies to sing to her on the cold December night. She knew she probably shouldn't call them mommies yet, since she didn't know if she was allowed to stay here. But, all the same...
Shelby started the Mary Poppins lullaby that she knew would put the girl to sleep.
"Stay awake, don't rest your head
Don't lie down upon your bed
While the moon drifts in the skies
Stay awake, don't close your eyes."
Cassie took over the next verse and smiled to herself as Rachel's eyes fluttered again and she leaned further back against the pillow. This isn't fair, she decided to herself. They tricked me for sure.
"Though the world is fast asleep
Though your pillow's soft and deep
You're not sleepy as you seem
Stay awake, don't nod and dream
Stay awake, don't nod and dream."
By the end of the song, the tired little girl was completely out.
. . .
Shelby changed quickly into her camisole and silk sleep shorts. Though it was winter and starting to get cold, she never bothered to put warm pajamas on—she would be pressed so closely to Cassie all night, anyways, and the body heat between the both of them would keep them both warm enough. She slid under the comforter and stared straight ahead, not even bothering to watch Cassie change into her own pajamas.
Her blonde wife slipped into the bed next to her and Shelby snuggled down into Cassie's embrace, comfortably.
"Hold me," she whispered softly.
"I've got you, sweetheart. I've got you." Cassie whispered into her ear, kissing it softly. "You're okay. It's okay."
"Rachel can't replace my daughter," Shelby knew she was just rambling out loud now. "She can't, but what if she was sent to us for a reason, Cassie? My daughter will always be in my heart and nobody can replace her but...but Rachel needs us...Cassie, she's the same age. Her birthday is on the same damn day." she was shaking, slightly, and Cassie rocked her slowly, back and forth, and back and forth.
"I know, Shelby, sweetie, everything's okay. Take a deep breath..."
But Shelby didn't listen. She just kept on going with her rambling.
"She's been through so much. And she's so frightened. And she's so hurt but for some reason, some unknown reason, she trusts us. Baby...what if my daughter has gone through something so horrible?!" she wept harder and Cassie placed soft kisses to her temple to try to calm her. "It would be—all my—fault that this—horrible thing—happened. All my—fault. All—mine."
"Shelby, Shelby, honey," Cassie turned Shelby around to face her, holding her face firmly in her hands. "I need you to calm down, Shelby, okay? Shelby..."
Shelby was shaking her head back and forth. "My fault, Cassie it's all my fault—"
She'd hardly actually done her grieving all day. Cassandra supposed now would have to be her time to do so. The blonde bit her lip and tried desperately to hold back tears of her own. She hated that Shelby always placed all of the blame on herself. As if every little imperfection made her life meaningless. Why couldn't she understand that it wasn't her fault? There was nothing she could've done. Her life is not meaningless. She is so very important and special and wonderful…
"Shh, Shelby, nothing's your fault." she tried to reason with the brunette though she knew it would be pointless.
"My fault. If I hadn't gotten pregnant. If I'd just listened to begin with. If I'd won the battle against my parents...all my fault..."
"Baby, it's not your fault. It's theirs, it's all theirs. I'm sure your daughter is lovely. Sweetheart, she's safe right now, okay? In a warm bed somewhere, with people who love her dearly. She is okay. I'm sure of it. You've done nothing wrong, my love, nothing."
"Cassie..." Shelby practically whispered out a moan. She tried to fix her breathing pattern. It didn't work. Cass held her tighter, placing more kisses at her temple.
"I love you." she whispered. "I love you, I love you, I love you so, so very much and so does your daughter, and now so does Rachel." Cassie neglected to mention that she had an idea that Rachel actually COULD be Shelby's daughter—Shelby was going through a lot right now.
What the blonde didn't know, was that Shelby had been hoping the same thing, all day. She had even been considering the fact that it might be true. But she didn't want to get her hopes up. Especially not over something so against the odds.
"I love you, too." After a while, Shelby's hyperventilating breaths had started to slow as she relaxed in Cassie's arms. Her tears stopped flowing so rapidly down her cheeks and soon she felt as if not only did she not want to cry anymore, (she had to start working back up her "hard ass" strength—especially with the concert so close and the kids so unprepared) but she didn't feel that it was physically possible for her to cry anymore. She was all cried out. Her tears were gone.
After about twenty minutes of commemorative silence, Shelby spoke again.
"I suppose tomorrow we're going to have to call Holly to start getting this situation figured out, huh?" It wasn't something she wanted to do, but Shelby and Cassandra both knew that what they'd done that day—keeping Rachel and not telling authorities or anybody that they'd found her—was very illegal. Their best friend Holly was a lawyer, and she was good at getting people out of tough situations. Besides that, she'd be the only one who would know what to do, without having to send Rachel back to the horrible people she'd been with before.
Cassandra nodded in agreement. "We shouldn't have kept it from her this long, even. You know how mad she's going to be, don't you?"
"Let her be mad." Shelby sighed, pulling herself up so that Cassandra was on her back and she was laying on top of her, their stomach's touching and face close, with Shelby's body resting comfortably between her wife's legs. "She'll help us and she'll get over her anger. She always does. Rachel needed us today. It was the first day of knowing each other. She has to be able to trust us before she'll be willing to work on this with us, right?"
Leaning forward, Cassandra placed a soft kiss to Shelby's lips. "Right. Holly will understand, and maybe she'll be able to figure out how to help us. But we also need to figure out what we want out of this, otherwise she won't be able to do anything to help. So…what do we want?"
Shelby bit her lip and looked up at Cassie with wide, loving, imploring eyes. "Sweetheart, she's already captured my emotions and made them vulnerable towards her. I don't want her to ever have to go through anything she's gone through again, and she somehow seems so comfortable with us…I think, and I know this may sound rushed, but I think I want to keep her. Here, with us. I think I want us to adopt her."
Cassandra smiled softly and placed another kiss to Shelby's lips. "I think I want the same, love. She's just so special. So fragile and hurt and like you said, she can't go through that again. She trusts us. She wants to stay with us. I mean, damn, she made her Christmas wish for us to be her mommies."
"So, it's settled then? Are we going to try to make her wish come true?" Shelby asked at a whisper. Finally, her life seemed like it was starting to settle into place—into the way things should be.
With a nod, Cass kissed Shelby more passionately. The brunette kissed back once, twice, three times. "We're going to be Rachel's mommies." She responded.
Moaning softly, Shelby pulled up and pressed more firmly against her wife, Cassandra's hips tightening around her as the blondes hands sneaked up the back of her camisole. The dancer's nails traced light patterns as their kisses grew hungrier—in need of more contact. It had been a long, stressful day, and together, they were going to feed their emotions and relax.
Their talk had turned into a time of intimacy and soft caresses.
"I love you," Cassandra whispered, zealously.
"I love you too," was the response she got.
Together, they would figure everything out. Things would be set right, and they would all be a family. Rachel's wish was going to come true.
. . .
Bastard Sinner of pervert homosexuals," the Reverend screamed as he whipped Rachel's back. "Children pay for the sins of their fathers." The Reverend spoke as he beat her back once more. "This is for your own good. God forgives when you repent from the wickedness you were born into."
Little Rachel did not understand a thing Reverend said. She only understood the belt that kept landing on her back. He would not stop till she was bleeding. He would not quit if she begged him to stop. He would only beat her harder.
"Say it, say it bastard girl," Reverend bent down in her face and balled up his fist. His arm drew back to hit her.
"Dear God, forgive my sins. I repent, I repent I repent," Rachel's soft high voice waivered as the Reverend started to beat her again. Her back was on fire. She was praying on a floor of her own blood.
"I repent!" the little brunette screamed.
Rachel sat up in the canopy bed with a start.
"I am a sinner a bastard sinner of perverts, I am a bastard sinner of perverts, I am a bastard sinner of perverts," Rachel found herself repeating the mantra she had been forced to say night after night.
She fell out of bed and thudded to her knees.
"Bastard of Perverts, bastard of perverts, I repent!" Rachel sobbed, putting her face on the floor, bent down like she was praying like Reverend had taught her. She had run away. He was not here in this house. But he was with her in her dreams. She was with Shelby and Cassie but still Reverend was here.
He is in this room. He is in the corner. He is staring at me, Rachel's imagination became reality. She could see his eyes. She was so afraid.
Rachel scrambled back into the bed and burrowed her head and body in the blankets. Rachel told herself that the blankets were a big safe tent. But it was not working. She could hear their voices. She could hear Shelby and Cass talking in their shut bedroom across the hall.
He can't get me. He can't get me. He can't get me, Rachel tried to tell herself. He can't see me under the blankets.
I am supposed to have a mommy to call when I have a bad dream, Rachel thought, very frightened. But Santa gave me Shelby and Cassie.
"Shelby, Cassie, Shelby, Cassie, Rev, Reverend, his eyes, he's under the bed," Rachel screamed at the top of her lungs. She wanted comfort and she wanted it now. "Shelby, Casssssssiiiiiieeeeee!"
Shelby and Cassandra seemed to be moving in tandem. Both women rolled from both sides of their shared bed. Both reached quickly to clothe themselves, Shelby moving just a little faster than her wife.
Rachel's frightened call for her made Shelby feel something she had not quite felt before and it caused her to move hurriedly to put on panties and her pajamas. The brunette singer looked over at her lover who was dressing just as quickly in her own camisole and silk sleep shorts. With Shelby being the one closest to the door, she stepped out into the hall first. The blonde stopped in the hall and waited for her wife. They both had been called and would go into the room together.
Cassie reached back her arm and grabbed Shelby's hand. The dancer felt good about not only talking about Shelby's feelings, but also about Rachel and Holly. She also felt it had been just as important that they had expressed their love with the physical intimacy. Both had desperately needed the connection to one another—their bond was strengthened. Each felt stronger as individuals and as a couple. United and as life partners, they would go to Rachel together.
Cassie turned the door handle to the guest room that they would now call Rachel's, opened the door, and then held it open for Shelby. From the light in the hallway, they could see Rachel shivering under the covers, still calling their names.
"Shelbyyyyyyyyyy, Cassssssssssiiieee," Rachel continued to scream as she cowered under the covers. She could feel him touching her with his cold hands. He was under the bed. He was going to reach up and grab her. Reverend was in the closet. He was going run out of it and beat her.
"I don't want to. No don't. Leave me alone," the young girl hiccupped trying to catch her breath pleading with a specter of the man who had been her hell for the last three years.
"It hurts. Please don't make me. Please don't make me, Please don't," Rachel babbled. She curled her body into itself to protect herself the best she could.
They aren't coming, Rachel realized. They aren't coming. They aren't coming. They aren't coming.
Rachel cringed when the bedroom door opened.
It's the Reverend, he heard me and has come to take me away, Rachel's panicked imagination was running wild. The young girl clutched at the bed sheet desperately so it would be harder for him to pull her out of bed.
"Shellllbbyyyyyy, Cassssieee," Rachel screamed at the top of her lungs as the door opened. "Don't let him touch me. Don't let him take me"
The click of the hall light being turned on did nothing to ease her fear. What did, however, was the dip of someone sitting down on the mattress and the gentle rubbing of her back.
And then she heard it. She heard humming. The bed dipped again on the other side.
Then a voice spoke, "Rachel honey are you ok? We heard you calling us…" Rachel realized that was Cassie's voice. That meant that it was Shelby that was humming and rubbing her back.
"He, He, He's under the bed or either in the closet, I know where but he is," Rachel hiccupped as she cried. "He is going to hurt me again with his cold hands then take me away."
Cassie said nothing but went across the room and turned on the room's overhead light.
She was well aware that darkness and fear could cause one's imagination to run wild; especially for scared little girls.
"Let me check, Rachel," Cassie told the scared little girl who was still cowering in the blankets. She walked to the closet and turned on the light. "Nope, not in here. Do you want me to look under the bed? Who am I looking for honey?"
"The, the Reverend. He was here. He, He, He. Please check under the bed too, Cassie?" Rachel asked, still refusing to come out but trusting that Cassie would tell her the truth. She would believe what Cassie said.
Shelby reached into the sheets and blankets and let her hand travel up and down the length of Rachel's spine. She was so skinny and small and her whole body shook with fear. The older brunette did not want to pull Rachel out of the covers. She had a feeling that she had been wrenched out of her bed and put through god knows what for a long time. So instead, she decided to join Rachel.
Shelby opened the covers wide and crawled in beside Rachel. Cassie appeared back on the mattress and lifted the covers high for the two brunettes making a small tent. The older brunette slid up so their bodies touched and wrapped an arm around Rachel's waist. The whole time she continued to hum.
"Sh-sh-sh-sh-Shelby," Rachel finally got out. She only stuttered when she was very upset. "Don't let him get me. Please, Please, I, I, I, I, I, just want you and Cassie. Santa gave me you as my mommies. God was a liar and took my mother away. I don't know where she is or why she threw me out. My daddies were bad and the police took me away. They gave me to the Reverend who was worse. But Santa gave me you, please tell me it was not only for one night. That was what I wished for when I blew out my candle on the cupcakes. I asked for you and Cassie to like me and want me."
"We adore you, sweetheart." Shelby promised her. "We want to try to keep you. We truly, truly would love to be your mommies." She decided the only way to comfort the young girl was to tell her that she was wanted—that she was loved, and that they weren't going to let the Reverend or her dads anywhere near her again. "We won't let him hurt you. We won't. We won't."
She scooped the little girl up into her arms and got out of the bed, Cassie with them, and they walked towards the master bedroom, shutting the light to Rachel's bedroom off behind them. Shelby and Rachel stood in the doorway, Rachel still cowering into Shelby's neck while Cassie hurriedly changed the bedding to something warmer and cleaner, after which they all climbed into the master bed and huddled together under the comforter.
Rachel sandwiched herself between the two adults, feeling safe between them. Feeling and trusting that they would never let anyone hurt her again.