OK, this is a super long chapter…. And I don't own HP and am not JKR, so don't sue me!

Chapter Ten – I Don't Know What to Say

"Oooh, Minerva. That feels gooood," Snape mumbled in a state between sleep and wakefulness. Slowly, he cocked an eye to see the same Professor he had been apparently dreaming about. He recoiled. "I never said that," he spat, though the statement was lacking some its usual bite due to the fact that Snape had a pulsing headache from far too much hard alcohol.

"Goodness, Severus," Minerva said, a breath of amusement in her voice. "I don't know what to say."

"You can say that you will not tell anyone that I got good and hammered with two students."

Minerva laughed. "Unfortunately Severus, I had been delegated the unfortunate task of finding you after neither the Slytherins or the Professor showed up at Potions this morning."

Snape pinched the bridge of his nose and glanced around at the common room. The other students were still mostly passed out, though some groaned lethargically on the floor.

"I suppose there is only one way to remedy the situation," he said cunningly. And to get McGonagall to forget that I was mumbling about her in my sleep, he thought to himself. He grabbed one of the few bottles not finished and passed to McGonagall.

"Come on, Minerva! Just a sip of this and you can forget that you have double Transfiguration with the Hufflepuffs next period…"

"One bit couldn't hurt, I suppose," McGonagall said. She took a long swig.

"Good stuff," she mumbled and tried to stand up. She pitched drunkenly around the room and nearly fell to the ground. Snape grabbed her arm and dragged her to the couch where she collapsed ungracefully. "Minerva," Snape said reprovingly, and glowered to force down the smirk that was threatening.

"Call me Minnie," the professor slurred, throwing herself boldly into Snape's lap.

"Goodness, Minnie," Snape said, more than a breath of amusement in his voice. "I don't know what to say."

...

"I don't know what to say!" Lucius cried. Draco hung his head in regret, a chunk of blonde falling over his eyes.

"Oh, don't do that!" Lucius cried with despair. "Poor Draco, it's okay, you shouldn't have to deal with a hair disaster all on your own."

With that, he flicked his wand and began humming. Hermione could make out the words, "Into the thick of it," and "But we can't see where we're going…"

"Dad," Draco said reprovingly. "Have you been singing Backyardigans songs again?"

Lucius looked slightly embarrassed and avoided answering. But Hermione noticed he'd started humming Celestina Warbeck instead.

Suddenly, Lucius waved his wand. The lights dramatically popped on, and Lucius, in a deep, commanding voice, yelled, "Cue the violins!"

Orchestra music blared from invisible speakers, and Hermione gasped as a hairdresser's chair and mirror spun into existence. Draco looked on in disgust. "He's awfully good at conjuring beauty parlors," the boy grunted before Lucius grabbed him and forced him into the chair.

"OUT!" he yelled to Hermione. "BUT YOU'RE NEXT!" he called to her retreating back.

Hermione exited the 'hair' room into what looked like an abandoned photoshoot set. A bespectacled man was grumpily putting away camera equipment and Covergirl products.

"Of course, he just leaves the set and leaves me to clean up right in the middle of the shoot. And what's the excuse? Hair disaster! As if there aren't enough of those!" the man mumbled to himself, brushing an invisible piece of lint off his poly-blend pants. In his rage, he dropped one of the several cameras.

"Merlin's calculus grade!" he cursed.

"Erm, can I help you?" Hermione offered.

"Help? Help?" the man squawked. "Yes! Tell the Dark Lord I quit, I'm sick of doing secretarial work and using my technical mind to run Lucius's photo shoots! Could I hijack just one computer and advertise for the Death Eaters using the new software? Could I redesign just one robe to make it ergonomically comfortable? Could I use my extensive knowledge of math to help Draco scrape just one 'O+' in Arithmancy? NO! I'm stuck in this hellhole, having to buy Lucius hairspray and mousse when I can actually tell that there is a more efficient chemical combination for volume!"

"Erm, can I ask your name?" Hermione asked. "I'm Hermione."

"Dolohov. Antonin Dolohov."

Hermione immediately pieced everything together. "Death Eater? Dark Lord? Dolohov?" She backed to the wall, wand out, trembling.

But the man was oblivious. He continued his rant, periodically fixing his horn rimmed glasses and toying with the setting on the camera, until Lucius's voice rang through the room. "Dolohov? Fetch me some raspberry infused water!"

Dolohov jumped into perfectly straight posture, as if awaiting more orders. "Are you sure you wouldn't like me to redesign your house in an environmentally friendly design? Or read my trigonometry textbook out loud for two hours and 46.9 seconds?"

"NO! GET THE WATER ALREADY!" Dolohov scurried off, just as another man lumbered in, promptly plopping himself onto the floor, his immense belly obscuring the polished floor.

"Hello," Hermione said, slightly shocked at the new arrival's stature, but determined to be polite.

The man ignored her in favor for stuffing several glazed doughnuts in his mouth.

"Are you a Death Eater too?" Hermione asked, then repeated the question in a yell when the man still didn't respond.

Wondering to herself if all DEs were this strange, she walked over to where he was sprawled.

"Excuse me?" she said, sharply. "Hello! I'm a MUGGLE born!" she screamed, trying to get a reaction.

"Mmmmph," the man grunted. "Muggles make good donuts."

"Will you at least respond to my question out of common courtesy?" Hermione said, seriously miffed.

The man looked at her, then continued gluttonously consuming doughnuts.

Hermione noticed the slight pointing of his pinky to his blaring shirt, which she hadn't noticed before.

"Oh," she said, more to herself than anyone when she read "I'm Too Lazy."

"What's your name?" she tried again.
Really angry now, she prodded some of his prominent fat. He ignored her. Incensed, she grabbed the other 15 boxes of doughnuts and hugged them possessively.

"-Ey!" he yelled.

"What's your name?" Hermione annunciated carefully.

"Yaxxxleyyyy," the man groaned painfully, then collapsed with a grunt of "Must get more doughnuts tomooooo….." The sentence morphed into drool as Yaxley began to snore.

Hermione raised her eyebrows. So far, the DEs she'd met were quite strange. Just then, Draco burst from the room, his hair teased and sprayed so it looked like a male model's, but more girly and fake. Lucius came after him, hair now in an 80s perm.

"Oh Merlin," Draco said as he saw the collapsed mountain of Yaxley. "You wrote that he'd gained another 30 pounds, but I honestly didn't think it was possible."

Lucius sighed. "Yaxley is a problem. What can the Dark Lord do with a lieutenant that only wants to drool and eat? And the major food consumption is doing absolutely nothing for budget. Now Dolohov wants more funds set aside for advertising, just because he wants to experiment with new software! No one likes our flyers anyway; they say they're not 'feel good' enough. But really, how can we afford everything when Yaxley's charging up a $900 dollar fee at the doughnut shop every morning?" Lucius looked exasperated, but his expression changed dramatically when he noticed Hermione.

"But who wants to think of dreary accounting when there's hair to be done?"

As Hermione was led into the salon, she could hear Dolohov's faint protest at Lucius's jab at accounting.

...

"Severus Snape!" Dumbledore's angry voice cut through Snape's dreams. Irritated at being woken up again, Snape groggily reached for his wand, only to find that Minerva was in his lap in a, well, compromising position.

"Ah, Dumbledore. I honestly have no idea what occurred."

"Honestly? Then why have I heard from sources," Dumbledore pointed to one of the students who had been in the common room, "that you coerced Minerva into drinking this?" Dumbledore waved the empty bottle, nearly smashing it in his rage.

Snape inwardly cursed those Slytherins and their penchant for ratting on other people. That stupid – Snape glanced at the student to see if he could recognize him – Warrington, he should have been fully incapacitated, but no, thanks to Snape's dreadful luck, he couldn't even get himself and McGonagall drunk without enduring Dumbledore's rage. Hell, why should the man even care? He was practically high on lemon drops 25 hours a day! Lemon drops or not, Dumbledore was furious.

"How could you do this to me? You, her?" Dumbledore was shaking.

"What? Why do you care? Minerva and I got piss drunk is all, why do you care?" Snape repeated.

"You know what I'm talking about, Snape!" Dumbledore growled, his voice taking on a possessive tone.

"Ah." Snape had finally put two and two together. "So you two," he gestured at McGonagall and Albus coyly, "are an item?"

"NO!" Dumbledore yelled, and lunged for Snape.

"What, what?" Snape said, fully enjoying himself. "It's alright, Albus, aren't you the one who always preaches about love?" As Snape said the dreaded word, he pursed his lips mockingly… only to be met with… Eww.

Snape shoved the other man away from him.

"Ugh! Albus!" Snape was at a loss for words.

"I love you Severus!" Dumbledore said, voice filled with passion, eyes moony with love.

"I… don't… know… what… to… say?" Severus said uncertainly, eyes darting for an escape route.

...

"Wow, Lucius," Hermione breathed as she admired her coif in the mirror. Although Lavender and Parvati's handiwork had been stunning, Lucius's extensive hair knowledge paid off and Hermione looked breathtaking. The new 'do was beyond words. Lucius smiled proudly, practically inflated with ego.

"Pshh… and Dolohov says that his formula would work better for volume. Somehow, I doubt it," Lucius continued.

Just then, Draco stepped in. His eyes found Hermione and he felt his legs quiver for a moment before tearing away. In between nodding and mumbling "yeah" to Lucius's prattling, he snuck too many glances at Hermione, trying to memorize every highlighted hair, every inch of shining mane. Finally he couldn't resist it. He ducked behind a monster bottle of shampoo to hide from Lucius, then scurried to Hermione.

"You look a bit improved, Granger," his comment was meant to be cool and a little condescending, but in Draco's state, just came out as breathy.
Hermione raised her eyebrows, recognized Draco's glazed eyes and worshipping expression.

"Really, now?" She sidled flirtatiously closer to him and Draco's breath caught in his throat.

"Granger," he choked out, before grabbing her hair and pulling her face towards his… when he was interrupted.

"DRACO! I just spent two hours of precious time on Ms. Granger's hair! You can't just ruin my hard work like that or I will-" Lucius's voice dropped to a threatening tone "-cancel your subscription to Witch Weekly! And you can't look in Blaise's either for the 'Coif Countdown' section!" Lucius cackled evilly.

"See!" Draco said angrily as he backed away from Hermione. "He's cruel! Just cruel!"

Before Draco could continue yelling about the inhumane punishment, a figure burst in.

"Lucius!" she cried a constricted, hoarse voice. Hermione found the source of the super shallow breathing: the woman's corset. Usually, when one thinks of corsets, old fashioned manor houses come to mind, but this garment was anything but old fashioned. Any self respecting 1800s dweller would be appalled by the huge amount of skin it showed. Paired with nylon hotpants, the outfit was an atrocity, but Hermione supposed that the woman was trying to show off her "assets." However, the attempt just made her look like a first class skank.

"Bellatrix," Lucius said, smirking at the trashy outfit. "Have you been calling on dear Voldy again?"

"Yesss," Bellatrix purred. "He's infatuated with me! He like, said, 'Hello' to me, and even let me stand in the threshold of his room!"

"Yes, clear signs of affection," Lucius drawled. "But on a more important note, Bella. That hair – eugh. I'd prescribe frizz control, deep conditioning and a three hour session at the salon. Maybe some highlights to lighten it up?"

Bellatrix glared at him. "Actually, My Lord has a mission for us."

"Oh yeah." Lucius brightened. "It's ahb-viously time for a DE raid!"

Hermione would have been happy to be left at the salon with Draco, but Lucius grabbed her.

"Yaxley's probably not going to be able to come on this mission, so for now you're our lieutenant!" he cried way too enthusiastically.

"I don't know what to say?!" Hermione said, confused.

As they tramped down the hallway, hordes of DEs emerged from side rooms, chanting "RAID! RAID! RAID!" and waving protest posters. They stopped at the end of the hallway, where the passage way forked. Hermione idly wondered what they were waiting for, and who they were following. With a pang of realization (or hair spray fumes, or her crush on Draco, or the atrocity of Bellatrix's apparel, or the fact that a DE Protest sign was jabbing her in the back), she realized that they were being led by her.

Oh eff.

Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed and I apologize for going all "DE-happy" on you guys. I couldn't help it though. I know that these DEs were portrayed very differently from the canon ones, but this is how me and my friend (PBinMyBrain – her Dramione story is on my favorites, so check it out!) see them…. Please let me know if you were okay with the random plot, or if you hated it. I just need to know so I can write more chapters – I want to know what you guys like!

By the way, kudos to anyone who's heard the Backyardigans song "Into The Thick of It" (i don't know if it's actually called that, but my friend's sister used to be obsessed with it and it cracks me up every time!)