No Headlights in Paradise
Chapter 10 – But Love Wasn't Enough
Song choice: Say it to My Face by Maya Noyes
Lily tentatively knocked on the door, taking a deep, un-calming breath. Slag slag cheating slag. The same repetitive cycle had been consistently buzzing through her mind since she had left the Potter household and made her way back to Cornwall… to Smetty. She had duck taped what she'd done with James from her mind but she couldn't avoid what needed to be done now.
Breaking up with Smetty.
The right thing, also the painful thing.
She tried to stop herself from fidgeting as she waited outside his apartment door, each second feeling like forever as her heartbeat pumped fiercely in preparation. The door opened with a creak, and Lily looked into the dark green eyes of her boyfriend.
"Hey," he said, opening the door wider and letting her in, which she did twitchingly.
"Hey back."
He looked back at her as they walked further into the flat. "Do you want something to drink?"
She shook her head before realizing his back was to her, and swallowed. "No, thank you."
Taking a seat on his brown, leather sofa, she breathed in the smell of it before sighing. He took a seat beside her and took her hand in his, leaning over to kiss her gently. Lily responded cautiously before moving back.
"Smetty…"
He looked at her patiently, and Lily would never recover from his maturity. If only she had an ounce of that within her.
"We need to break up," she finally said.
He didn't say anything at first, and set aside his coffee on the table. "Is this why it took you so long to get back?"
She nodded.
"Because of Potter?"
The question paralyzed her. "Not… necessarily."
"Right then," and Lily heard the hint of anger. "Why?"
She put her hand on his, and looked into his eyes, sincerely regretting everything and wishing it was different, that she was different, that they could be together because in every sense of the word her and Smetty could have been happy. But it would never happen as long as her and James circled each other.
"This isn't easy for me… I wish, I wish it was different but I can't be with anyone right now."
He looked at her and shook his head. "Try harder because I was gone for seven weeks, and thinking about you made it easier so if you are going to break up with me at least give me something logical to comprehend."
She wanted to look away but decided she couldn't. She would be brave at least in this moment when in so many other places she had lacked. "I think this summer tore me apart… and I just realized that I needed to grow up and stop dragging myself into situations I shouldn't be in in the first place," she cupped his cheek then and smiled sadly. "You've taught me so much and being with you… I really started understanding what I was looking for in a partner and that's someone who if I ever get stuck in the middle of the night would just come and get me, and I know you are that someone. But I can't lie to you or myself any longer. I want to be with you but my soul… it's somewhere else, and no matter what, I can't string you along anymore because I'll never be there with you hundred percent."
"What if I don't need hundred percent?" he asked firmly.
Tears pricked her eyes and she released his cheek. "I don't think I could give you fifty."
Her harsh words broke his stare and he looked away, leaning against the couch and gave a humorless laugh. "You realize I got back two days ago?"
Lily looked away. "The timing is off but I figured… I wanted it to work desperately and I think, I think I tried convincing myself of it but somewhere along the line I just knew it wasn't right and the longer I dragged it out… it was just unfair, to me and you."
"What exactly did you realize while I was in the middle of the battlefield, and you were where? Oh yeah, staying at your ex-boyfriend's house," he asked, the first signs of anger simmering.
She deserved it, she reminded herself. Uncomfortable, she twisted her fingers. "You're probably right, Smetty. But I can't change what I feel, I've tried. I've tried so hard."
He glanced at her and shook his head. "And you're telling me Potter had nothing to do with this?"
"I'm not saying that… but my relationship with James is a catalyst. And I don't want to be with anyone until I can get it under control. I wish it all pointed to you but it… it just doesn't."
He grabbed her by the shoulders then and Lily let the tears slip as he looked at her adamantly. "Then choose that, Lily!"
She sniffed and looked up at him, as bravely as she could. "I love him."
He released her then, looking to the side. "Nothing about this is rational."
"I know," she mumbled miserably.
He gave a small snort as they both stood up and he walked her towards the door, always the gentlemen. "I'm leaving, you know, for Healer Training at the end of August."
She nodded. "I-I remember. Good luck."
"Thanks," he gave her a short hug. "If you need anything, while at school or outside… I'm here."
Her heart lurched and her mind screamed but the warmth of the stag against her chest reminded her. "Thank you, Smetty. You're going to make someone really happy one day."
She walked away then, not even tempted for one second to look back. Getting to her flat, she collapsed against the couch and looked into the fireplace, and wished.
The trickle of fall had Lily shivering as she made her way towards her Methods of Organic Herbs class. The year had begun, vastly differing from the previous considering Samson and Ezra had graduated and were doing their pre-Healer-in-Training seminars at St. Mungo's. Caleb meanwhile had ended up enrolling in the Field Healer program but it added two extra semesters in that the Healer Academy, which meant more studying for him but for Lily another friendly face on campus and in her classes. Plus, someone to help her study now that Smetty was no longer around. Smetty had also graduated but with high recommendations from his Professors and family connections (his father after all was Healer-in-Charge of Spell Damage at St. Mungo's). He had begun the Healer Trainee program forgoing any additional steps.
Lily bit her lip and mentally forced herself not to think about Smetty and what she had done. The complete loneliness in Cornwall after she had broken up with him and left hastened Sienna's return. Though it was something she never would have requested, apparently her letter's had become so desperate Sienna felt it would be the right thing to do.
Ugh, Lily thought, how pathetic of her.
She had explained to Sienna in short, abbreviated sentences what had occurred between her and James, and though Sienna obviously wanted to know more, she restrained herself. It wasn't that Lily didn't want to talk about, in a sense she wanted too desperately. But talking about it couldn't justify it nor could it change the fact that there was nothing to talk about. For how many times would it take for James enter her life but then to leave so abruptly? Actually, she understood completely every decision that had been made, leaving no analysis to be made or theoretical thinking to be had. It was her burden, her own destruction and her wounded heart. For everything she was feeling, she reminded herself thoroughly, she deserved it. This time she chose it, and this time she deserved it.
"You don't always need to be suffering," Sienna had told her one night.
Maybe, but it wasn't exactly suffering was it? It was acceptance. Because her and James would be intertwined and locked together until one let the other go. And that wasn't going to happen. With all the punishment and suffering, she couldn't let him go. How to explain that to anyone, she didn't know. It didn't make a blink of sense but then again their love never really had. She let Smetty go because James would always come back and she would always go back to him. Somewhere, deep in her dark soul, it sparked hope, but worse than that, it lighted up the pits of her stomach knowing he was as affected by her as she by him, hurt as her as she by him. At least their pain was together even if they weren't.
Frustrated with the lingering thoughts, she trudged home, thinking about making pasta or maybe she could convince Sienna to make her a grilled cheese, so when she opened the door she called out endearingly, "Hey Sienna."
"Uh, Lily," she heard Sienna said tersely and peaked towards the living room and halted. "You have a visitor."
Standing in her brightly lit, airy, white home was Albus Dumbledore. He gave her a pleasant smile as if it was perfectly normal occurrence for him to be there, in Cornwall, at her home. She tried not gaping but it proved difficult as he moved around the couch he had previously been sitting on and came to her.
"P-Professor Dumbledore," she uttered, confused. "Hi."
"Hello, Miss Evans, how wonderful to see you again. I see Cornwall has agreed with you?" he said kindly.
Lily nodded dumbly. "Yes, sir."
"Miss Montgomery has so pleasantly hosted me while we waited. Showed me an American delectation, grilled cheese. Very agreeable indeed."
Lily swallowed and glanced over at Sienna who was grinning at her in complete bewilderment at having someone so wizardly in their home. After all, with his long, white beard and his royal purple robes, nothing screamed not Muggle quite like Albus Dumbledore's appearance.
"Hi," she repeated once more, blinking at him. How was Albus Dumbledore in her home? "What are you- I mean-"
"I am sure my unexpected appearance may have startled you," he chuckled lightly. "Nevertheless, I am here to discuss quite a serious matter with you, if willing?"
Lily nodded her head stupidly. "Of course, yes. I mean… yes."
Sienna made herself scant and went back to her room as Lily buzzed towards the kitchen. "Can I get you anything?"
"Miss Montgomery has already seen to that."
Lily paused her movements and looked back towards her former Headmaster. "Alright…"
They moved towards the setting room, Lily took a seat on the couch while Dumbledore made himself comfortable on the loveseat across. With a wave of his wand, coffee cake appeared. "Do eat, Miss Evans. Finest cake from the house elves at Hogwarts."
Lily tentatively reached for it. "Professor Dumbledore… what are you doing here?"
The bluntness of the question had Lily biting her lip in embarrassment as she flushed. "A fair question, of course. I'm here to ask if you would be interested in joining the Order of Phoenix."
Lily's breath halted in her lungs as she stared into his crystal blue eyes. "The Order of Phoenix?"
"I'm aware that James has already briefly mentioned it," he said as he munched on some of the coffee cake.
Lily nodded her head slowly.
"I established the Order of Phoenix to combat and oppose Voldermort and his supporters outside of the Ministry of Magic," he continued as if it was the utmost normal of topics.
"As in a secret society?" Lily questioned.
"Correct, Miss Evans," Dumbledore stated happily, giving her an encouraging smile.
"Why, are you coming to me now, Professor?" Lily asked. "I only ask because… well everyone seems to have already joined."
"Correct again, Miss Evans. However, you, unlike the rest of your peers, decided to become a Healer, and I believe having someone with your talents would only benefit us. There are so many eager to march forth into battle without thinking, I daresay you could help in and outside the field of battle."
"But I've only completed a year!" she protested though she had no idea why; hadn't she thought herself why she hadn't been included when it seemed almost her entire House had been. She was just as capable! If not better!
"I feel a year is quite enough at this phase. Your capabilities quite efficient, unless you disagree?"
Lily nodded her head quickly. "No, I- I want to join Professor but Smetty… isn't he part of the Order? Why would you need me?"
"Hippocrates and his skills will surely be a valued resources in the Wizarding community, however, he is not a member of the Order of Phoenix. There are a number of Aurors and Healers who assist from time to time, allies of sort, yet are not active participants."
Lily could feel her head spinning from all the new information, wanting to hound Dumbledore for further but biting her lip in restraint.
"There is an Order meeting this Tuesday at eight o'clock in the evening, and I feel as if all your questions will be answered if you wish to attend," his voice soothing but his stare serious.
"I would very much like to attend, Professor. I'm… quite flattered that you thought of me."
"Excellent," he said clapping his hands on his lap and standing. "That is a delight to hear. The meeting will be held at the Bones household, currently the headquarters."
A sliver of parchment appeared before her and Dumbledore handed it to her as she glanced at the address.
"I have to stress however that this is of the utmost secrecy. I need to be assured you will not speak of this to anyone," he glanced briefly at Sienna's closed door.
Lily swallowed and nodded. "I understand."
"I realize, and I wouldn't want to step out of bounds," he said slowly. "That you have a personal relationship with Mr. Potter."
Lily blushed deeply. They had to be the most pathetic couple of all time. "No, we don't. Not… really. I mean… It's complicated, sir."
Dumbledore gave her a knowing smile. "Well, as such, there is a call for secrecy within the Order itself; many people who participate are sent into dangerous and obscure missions that I feel it is preferable that shared knowledge is not always best for a number of reasons. As such, please do not get offended if Mr. Potter chooses not to share each miniscule detail. He is harboring, if it's not too bold to say, a deeply broken heart regarding this matter and I find myself so inept in helping him."
Lily stared at him, her eyes wide as saucers. Was Professor Dumbledore giving her love advice?
"I think I have overstayed my welcome," Dumbledore started, walking in long strides towards the door.
"Oh, no sir," Lily said but Dumbledore raised a hand.
"No need for pleasantries. I will see you Tuesday at eight. There we will give you an assignment and a brief overview, an orientation for you if you like."
"Alright," she said and before she could stop herself. "Professor, will… who else will be there?"
His blues seemed to sparkle and Lily reddened knowing he knew exactly what she was asking. "I assume the entirety of the Order will attend as long as they aren't currently in long term missions."
And with that he walked down the hall and with a small pop Lily watched him vanish. She stared into the abyss for a split moment, not even hearing Sienna's voice call out to her.
"Earth to Lily, Lily," Sienna said and Lily jumped to see her best friend standing right by her.
"Sorry," Lily said, still dazed. "Did this just happen?"
Sienna giggled as they moved to the kitchen and Lily started making her long ago abandoned sandwich. "What did he want?"
Lily tried to act natural as she waved her wand to slice her tomatoes. "He was interested in hearing about my studies and progress… he hasn't always been the clearest of people," Lily added for good affect.
Sienna jumped onto the counter and laughed. "Some wizard though, right?"
Lily laughed. "Don't have them like that in the States?"
Sienna pursed her lips in mock thought. "A bit more refined if you asked me."
Lily rolled her eyes and made sure to pack her sandwich tightly. She took a plate before biting into it.
"How are you?" Sienna asked tentatively.
Lily groaned as she glared at her friend. "I'm fine, honest."
"I know, I'm just checking," she said diplomatically. "I just worry."
"I've felt fine for a while," she added, but Lily couldn't help deny that knowing she was going to be seeing James in four days had soothed her soul. She tried shrinking the thought but it seemed to be growing larger within her, bursting. She refused to be excited about it. She repeated that statement over and over again but eventually in the quiet of her own room she let out a reluctant grin.
Lily smoothed and played with the edge of her skirt for the thousandth time as she stood in front of the Bones house. She wasn't going to reflect on the amount of time she had considered her clothes, changing and unchanging until finally deciding on her white skirt. She smoothed her beige shirt that showed her stomach slightly when she moved before finally knocking.
The door flew open and Lily felt herself being pushed into a whirlwind of noise and cluster. There was a baby screaming, food brewing, and chatter everywhere. People were moving about at such a pace that Lily could barely keep up and she was astounded she couldn't hear any of it outside. Well, she reminded herself, magic.
"You must be Lily," a tall, beautiful brunette said as she came forward.
"Uh, yes," she said as the brunette took her into her arms and hugged her.
"I'm Annabel Bones," she said as introduction. "And this chaos is my home."
Lily laughed at the icebreaker and with the help of Annabel entered further inside. It was a cozy, a feeling of family that Lily instantly recognized and she smiled seeing other members of the Order making themselves feel at home too. She took her by the hand and introduced her to older members she had never met and then led her into the kitchen were people were crowding the counter and eating the trays of food on them.
"Lily!" Marlene said, rushing over and giving her a hug. "Dumbledore told me last night you would be joining us."
"Hi," returning the hug and smiling uncomfortably at all the people surrounding the kitchen that she had met through James's lens.
"You remember Dorcas," Marlene said, pointing to a few of the people around the kitchen who were merrily drinking.
The rush of people Marlene was introducing her to was overwhelming at best. There was Caradoc Dearborn who was extremely handsome and shook her hands firmly, the Longbottoms's who seemed attached at the hip in love, and the Prewett brothers who had everyone cracking up.
"Lily, do you remember Emmeline, you met her at the Christmas party?"
"Yes, of course," Lily said at once as she stared at the gorgeous blonde who was smiling at her warmly.
"Marlene, don't be daft, the party wasn't so long ago," Emmeline said. "Of course, it would be hard pressed to forget the girl who captured Potter's heart."
Lily blushed at her words, and bit her lip nervously as a curious silence descended the group. She had ardently tried to avoid the deeply unsettling excitement pressing against her stomach knowing she would being seeing James soon. How pathetic was she? But she most certainly would not give people the false impression or any preconceived notions that she was too lovesick to join. The Order was an opportunity and she wasn't going to allow James ruin that too.
But Lily noticed that those around her seemed to know enough about her and James, and found it amusing. It bothered her, if she stopped to think about, because she was sure James didn't talk about it casually so what did they know? And how did they know it?
"I'm uh pretty sure I haven't captured anything," she finally said as she felt the inquisitive stares around her.
"Blimey, this is the girl that's torn up Potter?" Caradoc pointed flabbergasted as if she wasn't even there.
Marlene looked at her nervously. "Don't exaggerate. James is fine."
Before Lily could even mentally react to Caradoc's reaction, Fabian burst out laughing. "Potter? Fine? Marlene, you don't exaggerate. Never seen anyone so gutted in my life."
Lily swallowed and bit her lip. "Well, it was nice meeting you but I have to… go."
She couldn't decide in that moment what was worse, being completely ex-communicated from James or actually hearing his name aloud. Every time 'James' or 'Potter' were exclaimed, her heart thumped uncomfortably. But it was a pain she almost yearned for.
She turned around and bumped into a very solid chest, looking up into Sirius Black's smile.
"Ugh, you," Lily muttered as Sirius tried not laughing at her disposition.
"Not such a nice way to greet a friend, Evans."
She glared at him as Sirius gave her bear hug that Lily eventually returned.
"Already got labeled James's girl, eh?"
She glared at the terminology. "I don't understand really. He is the one who keeps leaving me. And everyone here is acting like it's some big joke when it's much more complicated than that."
"Lils, don't. You know how emotional that bloke gets," Sirius said not unkindly as he reached for her shoulders and shook her lightly. "He's broken inside knowing he left you again, and I think you know that and is the reason you broke up with Smethywck."
"I broke up with him," Lily said, shoving Sirius off her. "Because I cheated on him with James."
Sirius winced as she stepped on his foot and walked away but he followed her into the larger living room were everyone was starting to take a seat. She timidly looked around, ignoring her nerves and twisted her stag necklace around her finger. Instinctively, she knew she would know when he arrived as the stag was warm against her hand. Plus, everyone seemed to be waiting for it.
"He's not here yet," Sirius whispered into her ear and Lily whipped around to snarl at him.
"I'm not blind, Black and I don't care."
"She came feisty today," Sirius grinned.
Lily rolled her eyes as they took a seat in the front. She bit her lip hard and purposefully ignored Sirius as she crossed her arms. "Well?"
"Well, what?" enjoying her antsy stance.
"Is he coming?" she finally relented.
"Of course, but he always runs late to these dos. He's not up for social gatherings lately, if you get my drift."
Lily ignored the double meaning and squelched her worry about James. She was not going to begin feeling bad for him. He'd left her. Three times! No one seemed to be worried about her in return.
"Does he know I'm going to be here?"
Sirius bit his lip and shook his head. "He's been on a mission and Dumbledore wanted him to concentrate."
"But you don't seem surprised to see me."
"Well that's because I read the weekly newsletter Dumbledore sends out."
Lily frowned at him again. She saw Dumbledore walk in with a few grown men she had never seen before. They all looked somewhat alarming. The entirety of the group seemed to quiet at their entrance and take their final seats. She saw a few curious stares aimed her way and she tried not to shrink at the growing scrutiny.
"Is that everyone?" Dumbledore said as he looked around. His eyes met hers and sparkled for a second as the front door was shoved open and slammed shut. "Ahh, now it's everyone."
There were a few chuckles and good humored, "Potter." But Lily's heartbeat was nearly bursting through her chest as she pretended to stay indifferent. Everyone around her seemed excited or interested for his entrance and his reaction but only Sirius, herself and Dumbledore seemed to understand the true implications of what was about to happen. Lily suddenly had a flash of anger at Dumbledore for not warning James.
And then he appeared in the entrance to the room, and he looked exactly the same as when he'd left and her heart summersaulted. Tall, messy and tan, James pushed his glasses up his nose, smiling good-naturedly. He shoved his hair out of his eyes and nodded in acknowledgement as his eyes shifted around the room, looking for his friends and place to sit.
"Hiya Potter."
"How's it going?"
"Maybe one day you can be on time so we can all leave on time?"
He laughed good heartily at the remarks, seemingly used to the jiving but he didn't seem to notice her yet, or the fact that half the group was waiting for him to notice her.
"You're late again, Potter. Take a seat, there's a spot next to Black in front," the man besides Dumbledore seemed to growl.
James scanned the room, grinning sheepishly. "Sorry, I was-"
But his entire body halted as his eyes abruptly locked on hers, and the entire room seemed to take a deep breath in trepidation.
James's eyes flickered briefly to Sirius before locking with hers again and she took a deep breath before giving him a tiny smile.
"Hi James."
But his mouth dropped open and stared at her in absolute shock as if she was the foulest, most obscene creature he'd never expected to see in his own house brought to him by those he loved.
"What-What are you doing here?" He uttered as he turned towards Dumbledore not even giving her the dignity to answer. "What is she doing here?"
"I have asked Miss Evans to join us," Dumbledore responded, acting as if James was not about to have a temper tantrum in front of everyone.
"What?" he snarled.
"I believe Miss Evans will be quite helpful in the long term, especially as she continues her schooling to become a Healer. It's why I didn't immediately ask her to join with your fellow classmates as I believed having a Healer in our midst would only be an extraordinarily valuable asset."
James was completely speechless as he glowered at his commanding officer.
"Have you lost your marbles?" James hissed.
Sirius jumped up then. "James, mate, let's hold off, yeah? Not in front of everyone," he said nodding his head to the side and then towards Lily.
But James pushed him off and kept glowering at Dumbledore. "No absolutely not, the answer is no. Lily is not joining the Order."
"Excuse me?" Lily whispered. But James ignored her and kept looking at the leaders in front. "Excuse me?" she repeated firmly and stood up.
James slowly turned around to face her and shook his head wildly, and for one split moment she saw the fear laced in his words before he covered it. "Lily, it's not safe and you can't join."
"Why because you don't want me here?" looking into his brown eyes.
He shook his head at her as if talking to her was a waste of his time. "Everything about this has nothing to do with what I want. And it's not going to happen. I won't let it."
"You, won't let me?" Lily said dangerously. "You who left me wants a say in my life?"
"You can't understand the danger out there, the things I've seen, the things I've had to do. And I won't have you being a part of it. I can't think about you, protect you and have you also be out there. I can't, I won't!" he shouted the last part at Dumbledore vehemently.
The room was filled with a hushed silence as they observed James's increasingly aggressive demeanor at the thought of Lily Evans joining the Order.
"Potter," an older man at the front, who Lily realized was Edgar Bones, said, "this decision isn't about you, it's about the Order. You need to take your personal feelings outside."
"Do not tell me what to set aside. How would you feel if Dumbledore just put Annabel in the Order?"
Bones looked at him curiously with raised eyebrows. "Well I married her, didn't I? I didn't just up and leave her every chance I got. Anyways, she's part of the Order. You need to calm down."
"Mate-" Sirius tried again, bringing a hand on his chest to stop him from attacked Edgar but James just glared at him as he shoved him away.
"Professor, please," James implored desperately to Dumbledore. "I'm asking you not to do this."
"James," Lily said delicately. James turned to face her and she swallowed painfully as he looked into her eyes. "I'm joining and you can't stop me. This is my fight as much as yours. I promise you won't need to worry about saving or protecting me…. We aren't part of each other's lives, yeah? You didn't want me in yours and… and I accepted that. So you see… if your concern is about that then it's all right, I promise to stay out of you way."
James looked thunderstruck at her words and Lily shrunk, as his stare grew more furious.
"Have you gone mad?" James shouted. "You are all I bloody think about! I can't fucking sleep or eat because I keep thinking about the last time I was forced to leave you knowing you probably would hate me for all goddamn eternity. Knowing you would be going back to your stupid bloody boyfriend and would leave me behind for good when I love you more than he ever could! Haven't you realized you're everything to me?"
Lily turned absolutely white at his words. Her heart shuttered in painful bursts as James huffed out angrily, as his words were left to sink to the bottom pits of her broken soul. Her throat swelled, and she bit her lip painfully to keep from crying as James continued to fight with his superiors.
She made brief, broken eye contact with a scarred man before looking down at her feet.
"Potter," the scarred man said, cutting him off roughly. "Why don't you sit down and stop embarrassing Evans. And yourself."
"I don't care about myself-"
"James," Dumbledore said softly but firmly. "Take a seat. We can discuss this after."
The silence was stiffening, as everyone looked at each other and at them as if they thought they had been reading an amusing romance and realized it was a tragedy.
James snarled as Lily fell back into her seat. He slumped pointedly down beside her and Sirius besides him and crossed his arms angrily as he fiercely ignored and shot daggers at the commanders at the front of the room. Lily gave him the cold shoulder trying to ignore the shame, embarrassment and sudden doubt the entire confrontation had caused.
Dumbledore clapped his hands. "Now that everyone is here, I would like to introduce our newest recruit, Lily Evans," there was a brief smattering applause as everyone was still processing the recent confrontation. She heard James huff besides her and tried to overlook the deep stabbing in her heart he elicited. "For those unaware, Miss Evans arrives following her first year at the Healer Academy. Before that she was Head Girl at Hogwarts. She will be a great asset to us. Lily, welcome to the Order."
Lily nodded her head mutely at him and his kind eyes flashed through her and her heartbeat began to finally reduce in speed. But she remained overwhelmed, as the words and emotions seemed to swirl with a thick tension around her.
"Right then, Bones, why don't you provide an update?"
"We were able to infiltrate a meeting for supporters of the Dark Lord. The meeting seemed to be more fans of the movement than anything else, but I don't think we should ignore it as I think it reflects the growing community support of the blood rites. Though I must say, their seemed to be a delusional sense of confusion believing that by creating stronger laws and restrictions against Muggle borns it would create a broader sense of decorum. Essentially creating a stronger border rather then solving the problem at large. I believe with a solid foundation of education, many can be shifted."
And on it went as Lily heard the updates of each person's mission, and for a split second forgetting her embarrassment in the large room and listening to the tales of those around her. It was fascinating because a resistance existed. The fight didn't seem to be so extract or far removed. Maybe there was an ending to all this strife. Maybe it would work out…
Lily tentatively glanced over at James and though his eyes were still fiercely looking at the front of the room in anger, his hands had uncrossed and his fists unclenched. He looked over at her as he felt her gaze and he looked at her like he always looked at her. Like he was in love with her or something. And Lily felt her heart stop because after all it was still James Potter and no matter how many sleepless nights he caused her, she was still in love with him back.
A freckle of a smile graced his cheeks as he realized she had calmed down. "Alright Evans?"
She snorted at him and turned away, looking straight ahead. "What do you want, Potter?"
She recognized the joyful smirk even as she continued staring away, crossing her arms and making a false attempt to listen to the people debating around her. "Just staring at you. You're quiet a beauty to look at."
"Please don't, you've embarrassed me quite enough for one evening."
"Ahh well you can't blame me for that," he whispered as Dumbledore called on someone. "I saw your pretty head and mine exploded. Can you blame me?"
"Of course."
He laughed and then said, "Evans, go out with me."
She whipped her head around and glowered at him. "It's like you've reverted to Fifth Year James."
He grinned at that. "Now, that's not an answer. C'mon Evans, go out with me. You know you want too."
"No, thanks. I'd rather go out with the giant squid," she said smirking herself and turning back to the front.
He snorted and then felt her entire body tingle as James touched her thigh familiarly. He soothed his fingers back and forth and each time getting a touch closer to her crossed legs, and Lily glared at him.
"Half an hour ago you were seething at the mouth seeing me here and now you want to feel me up?" she huffed.
He shrugged mischievously as he moved his hand further upwards. "I had time to think about it and you being in the Order might not be so bad."
She slapped his hand away as she uncrossed her legs. "Have you gone mad?"
"Sorry," he said jovially as his hand once more found its way up her thigh. "I can't seem to resist, maybe you shouldn't have worn a skirt, or maybe you did that on purpose."
She most definitely did it on purpose but she wasn't very well going to tell him that. So she pinched his fingers instead. "Get off, you big ole brute."
He just grinned buoyantly at her, and put his hand around her chair as he leaned further in, his other hand touching her thigh knowingly. "C'mon Evans, don't tell me you don't feel anything."
She shivered involuntarily and before she could even respond, Moody's eye zoomed in on them, leering before barking: "Potter, why don't you keep your hands to yourself until after the meeting. We've enjoyed enough of this show between the two of you."
Lily blushed furiously while James grinned unashamedly as they once more became the center of attention but James kept his hand around her chair for the remainder of the evening, his fingers stroking her shoulder gradually.
When the meeting concluded, and people lined up to receive their newest assignments, Lily stood up awkwardly and James's arms slumped at the release.
"Lily," he started but before he could continue, Dumbledore called out to the two of them, "James, Lily, do keep back for a moment."
As people filtered out, Dumbledore motioned for them to sit. "I realize that Lily joining was a shock but I do hope you will not interfere in the process."
"Of course not but-"
"She is an extraordinarily talented witch and will only benefit us greatly, don't you agree?"
"She's an amazing witch but-"
"Excellent," Dumbledore said clapping his hands. "With that settled the two of you are free to leave."
Lily didn't even try to hold back her grin as Dumbledore swept past them out of the room, leaving them alone. It was quiet for a moment, and Lily watched as James ruffled his hair, and she couldn't help but reaching out and fixing it.
Her tender touch left him facing her and their eyes locked as she stroked his hair down to his cheek and cupped his face.
"James," she said. "I'm joining. I was always meant to join, and it was just a matter of time. Dumbledore wanted me to gain Healing experience before I do and you lot need Healers. I've never seen such a banged up group."
"Lily," he murmured and placed his hand over hers. "I just… you have to understand how… terrifying… I can't have anything happen to you. I don't want to imagine it."
She didn't answer because there was nothing to say so she stayed with him in that very brief moment of solidary confinement when the danger was outside and they had nothing left but their broken relationship. Just for another moment to be with him and pretend that he still loved her as much as she loved him.
"I better go," Lily whispered after a while, releasing him and getting up.
"Where?" James asked a bit desperately, following her.
"Home… Back to Cornwell. I have class tomorrow."
"To your boyfriend," James said resigned as his hand leafed through his hair.
"Uh actually," Lily started awkwardly and James gaze snapped to hers. "I broke up with him."
"You did?" James asked energetically. "I mean, are you okay?"
Lily held back her grin at his reaction and shrugged. "I couldn't really be with him after what happened… I wasn't fair to him."
James stopped smiling, his face intense as he looked at her. "I would say I'm sorry, but that's about the best news I've ever received."
Lily bit her lip and looked away before flashing her eyes back to his.
"You should stay a bit," James said. "Hang out with the gang, they always hang around after a meeting… or we can go to a pub and… talk."
Lily couldn't help but laugh. "You? Want to talk?"
James shrugged. "Well, sure. Why not?"
Lily shook her head as the outside darkness gloomed on the reflection of the window. "What do you want to talk about? How you left without saying goodbye? The first or second time?"
"Lily," James said moving towards her but she stepped back.
"No, okay, not about that. How about the fact that you've never written me, or come to visit, or even the good old fashioned Muggle way and called me?"
James shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Stop it."
"You're the one who wanted to talk."
"Not like this," he retorted but Lily rolled her eyes at him. James crossed his arms in defense and huffed. "I know… I acted poorly but you can't understand what it's been like. Ever since Dumbledore approached me about the Order, I've had to put everything before it."
"Even me?" Lily asked. James sighed in frustration and Lily looked away from him. "This feels hopeless."
"Don't say that," he said angrily.
"What am I supposed to say? You don't talk to me or share anything with me but you won't leave me alone."
The silence was deafening as they looked at each other and how twisted was it that the only person Lily wanted comfort from was the person causing it.
"Right, I'm going to go," Lily said and started to walk away but he blocked her path.
"Stay, I'm sorry I-"
"You what? Want to shag me and then leave me?"
"Stop saying it like it means nothing between us," he said fiercely. "I'm in love with you and if there wasn't the war and people dying and battles to fight then I would be in your bed and never leave but I made a commitment to end this bloody war and I need to give it my all! Because if for one moment I think about what I have at home… like I said, I would never leave it."
Lily's body throbbed at his words, as he stood tall over her, and her breathes came out in short pants. "That's more then you've ever said."
"Stay…" he whispered again as his hands finally wrapped around her and into his embrace. The feeling of him was too familiar, too right to ignore but there was still so much leftover pain.
She tried pulling away but he held her. "This never ends well for me."
Knowing what was at stake, James threw his entire stack in. "Stay with me tonight."
She glanced up at him and she wanted to shake her head but his eyes were so sad, so alone. "James… I always want to stay but I can't keep doing this. It's so painful and I love you too much."
"But it's different now. You are in the Order, I can… I can tell you things I couldn't before." She bit her lip and turned her head but he pulled her back and looked deep into her eyes.
"Does this mean you're committing to me?"
James remained silent and moved down to kiss her but she turned to the side and he got her cheek. "You can't pacify me with a kiss. I want an answer."
"You're here, I'm here. Don't you want to be with me?"
She shook her head. "James, that's not enough. I don't want a maybe, I want a yes."
"Its not that simple it. Why can't we have now?"
She didn't respond but she didn't move from his embrace either. He was being unfair; he knew he was being unfair. She wondered if the war had anything to do with it. His reaction, for sure. But her reaction to him? Never really knowing if this moment could be the last.
"Don't leave me," he finally said, cupping her cheek in his hand.
"I've never left you," she sighed heartbreakingly. "Don't you know? It's my only vice."
And then James was kissing her. And she let him because she was weak and she loved him and she was scared. And the hardest thing in life was letting go of someone you love when they are saying they love you back.
She was never letting go of James Potter. And he most definitely was never letting go of her.
He swept her off her feet, and the months of longing took over as she buried herself in his neck and let his achingly familiar scent wash over her. He climbed the stairs to the unfamiliar house, careful to avoid the ruckus below and Lily remained silent because she was tired of talking. She wanted to close her eyes and be with him. Because when he held her like that, he almost felt like hers. James skillfully opened a door to a little room but Lily clung to him even then, refusing to remove her arms around his neck and in that moment Lily couldn't stop the hiccupping sob that broke against his chest.
"Lily," James whispered as his entire body tensed at her tears. "Don't cry."
The way he was still gently holding her in his arms only caused more tears to flow. Lily began sobbing openly as she clung to his chest, scared already of the moment it would end. So James held onto her as he waited for the tears to subside and Lily burrowed herself into the solid warmth of his body wishing she were stronger, not knowing if being with him was right or wrong. Only knowing that being with him brought her a comfort she couldn't deny.
His lips brushed her forehead gently before bending his head to slide his lips along hers. Lily leaned further into him and deepened the kiss as they clung together in the middle of the room for long moments, exploring each other for the limited time they had.
James set her down and looked deeply into her eyes. "Do you want to be here?"
One look at him and Lily had already made her decision when he'd stepped into the Order meeting. "Where else do I have to be?"
James kissed her lightly, before taking his wand out of his back pocket and locking the door and then casting the Silencing charm.
"Will anyone… look for you?" Lily said as she looked around the room that held a twin bed that seemed barely large enough to house James's tall form. She looked back at James standing in the middle of the room as he watched her movements. She sat on the bed and noticed on the bed rest two worn out pictures and picked up the first one of him and the rest of the Marauders waving gloriously at her with the Hogwarts castle behind them. Putting it down, she picked up the second one. It was of her and James near the great lake; his arms wrapped around her waist as he snuggled in the curve of her neck and she smiling contently at the camera.
James walked forward and cupped her cheeks, and Lily's heart rammed against her chest as she dropped the photograph. "No… this is my room when I stay with the Order."
"Oh," she murmured.
He crouched down to face her. "I know it's small… I don't really have company," he said, tracing the side of her face.
Lily closed her eyes at the feel of his hand. "I'm sure we'll make do."
Lily sighed as his lips pressed against the flesh of her neck. Despite the tension she could feel permeating from his body, his kisses were gentle, his lips tender, almost reverent. He laid them both down on his tiny bed, and the space becoming cramped with as his legs hung off the end and Lily giggled lightly. James looked down at her mockingly as she pulled him down to kiss her.
He took infinite care as his hands wondered down her body in the ways she liked, touching her at the sides of her breasts and down closer atop her thigh. Lily hitched up her leg and closed her eyes at the feel of him against her. She groaned into his neck as his slow hands moved up and down her body, finally cupping her breast. She wanted to weep at his hesitance and could feel with every touch of her body the way he wanted to protect her, even from himself.
He suddenly moved off her, rolling them both to their respective sides. He kissed her forehead gently and looked at her seriously.
"I love you, Lily."
"I love you, too."
His hand shook as he swept away a dried tear. "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Lily cupped his cheek. "Don't say something you can't help."
"I mean it though."
"I know. That's the worst part."
James made to answer but Lily pulled him towards her to kiss him shut. "Stop, just stop talking. Just love me, please."
So he brought her lips back to his and kissed her so tenderly a few tears dropped. How was she going to watch him walk away again? But it didn't matter; it had obviously never mattered because James was her soul mate. As one of his hands sifted under her skirt, she just let it go.
And tomorrow would bring tomorrow. But for now… she kissed him back ardently as his hand slid up the outside of her thigh, gently grasping the swell of her bum. She arched against his touch and smiled when James groaned inwardly. He moved to pull her skirt down and unhooked it from the front as he tossed it aside, groaning at the sight of her bare legs clad only in a blue thong.
"You're so fucking fit," James said as he pushed himself up. He pulled off his shirt, leaving it a heap on top of her skirt and pulling off her shirt with it. Lily wrapped her legs around James for a single, hot kiss. James gave one powerful thrust against her barely clothed body and Lily moaned as he got up quickly to shed the rest of his clothes. Lily glanced at his nude form up and down and then into his eyes, smiling as he jumped back into bed with her.
"You can't be looking at people like that, Evans," James said cheekily. "They might get the wrong idea."
Lily just arched into his body and he groaned as he pulled her closer and kissed her soundly. It felt so fucking good to be back in his arms. They kissed just like that for a long while before James pulled slightly back and traced his fingers up and down her thigh. He kissed her swollen lips as he cupped her breasts through her lace bra and then fingered her necklace with the stag simmering against her skin.
"You kept it?" he whispered huskily as his other finger played with her nipple.
"Yes," Lily breathed as the sensation overflowed her. "I never take it off."
Seemingly satisfied with her answer, James reached to unsnap her bra and watched as the black lace slid down her arms. James gave her one smirk before descending to take a pebbled nipple into his mouth. His sucked roughly, before tugging lightly with his teeth. Lily hissed in pleasure, whispering his name as she arched her chest against his mouth.
"James, harder," she begged in silent entreaty but he only chuckled and continued to take his time. His hand came up to massage her neglected breast as he suckled her silky flesh.
Lily's response was immediate and intense. Blinded by her growing need, she draped her leg over his hip, arching against him. Her movement pressed his engorged cock roughly against the softness of her inner thigh, and he groaned in pleasure. Shifting his weight onto one arm, he moved his hand from her breast down to the apex of her thighs. Grabbing the waistband of her thong, he pulled it down her legs as she instinctively spread them, his skillful fingers lightly petting her sex.
He carefully opened her with his finger, sliding into her wet heat as one, and then two fingers stroked her. Lily mewled in response, and James met her gaze staring deeply into her eyes as his thumb traced slow circles around her clit. Lily panted at the intensity of the moment, touching him reverently as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. His explorations continued and Lily twisted in ecstasy, arching against his hand with a whine of need as he curled his finger. She shut her eyes at James's rough chuckle, the urgency of their combined need too much.
James situated himself at her entrance and before she could process what was happening, he removed his fingers and his cock lightly stroked her outside lips. He didn't plunge into her, instead took deep breaths to calm down. Lily brought his lips down to hers in adoration and kissed him completely. As they continued to kiss deeply, his hips pressed forward to push inside her warmth. He continued sliding into her for long drawn out minutes as the kiss increased emotionally, until at last he was fully situated inside her welcoming body. Lily groaned frantically against his mouth as he held onto her tightly.
James broke off the kiss, resting his forehead gently against hers as they both panted harshly. The sensation of being one, of being whole again after such a long absence swept over them both. The feeling was incredible. Burying his head in the juncture of her shoulder, James thrust against her, his movements a seamless glide as she eagerly accepted him. She arched under him, grasping his shoulders tightly as he continued to stroke in and out of her body. Lily mewled again as she felt her climax fast approaching and James did everything in his power to hasten her release, angling his hips to press exactly where she needed it the most. The sensation broke over her like a wave and she arched against him sharply, throwing her head back as a cry of release tore from her throat.
James's movements intensified as her ecstasy overtook her and soon he was pounding against her as her inner muscles rippled around his sex. The feel and scent of her was too much and with a harsh shout, he joined her, his muscles cording as his cock touched the mouth of her womb, pouring into her liquid depths.
Long moments later, Lily lay boneless on his chest, having switched positions. Relishing in the afterglow, James stroked her back.
"Sorry," he said with a sleepy laugh.
She looked up and gave him her own sleepy smile. "About what?"
"That probably should have lasted longer."
"It was okay," she said as he pinched her bum lightly.
"Just okay?" he whispered into her hair.
"You asked," she murmured as she snuggled into his neck and let his hands stroke her to sleep.
Lily rolled over and groaned as she tried not to fall off the small bed. She pushed herself back into a comfortable position, and for the meantime ignored the empty space beside her as she shut her eyes and disregarded the pandemonium of anxiety lacing throughout her entire body.
She opened her eyes slowly and glared openly at the cold space that had once housed the useless, good for nobody James Potter. He wasn't there. Obviously. This time she had felt him leave, blinking awake as he pulled on his pants.
"You're leaving?" she said drowsily.
He faced her in surprise and came over to sit besides her, caressing her hair. "Go back to sleep."
"You're leaving?" she asked again but was already blinking her eyes shut as James stroked her back to sleep.
"Coward," she mumbled into the sheet.
She rolled over, sitting up as she stretched her arms high and glanced out the small window in which they had never closed the shades. The sun shone brightly in the unfamiliar room as she picked up James's discarded white undershirt and slipped it on, snorting in annoyance. So desperate to get away he couldn't even dress properly.
She looked over at the clock and considered the fact she had forty-five minutes before her next class. She shut her eyes and then opened them faced with the bright sunlight of the day. She heard the chirping of the birds and squeal of little children and in the far distance she saw the outlook to a beautiful day. She swallowed the massive anxiety in her throat and took a deep breath. Tears pricked her eyes in frustration as she put her head between her hands.
In the darkness of last night, Lily had made her decision but the daylight was blinding. And in that moment, Lily almost wished she had never met James, or gone to Hogwarts… or even been a witch. She laughed with no humor at the absurdity of it.
She pulled on her skirt and slipped on her shoes, taking the rest of her discarded clothes and stuffing them into her purse. She tiptoed down the hall and the stairs, looking around and jumped when Annabel Bones came out of the kitchen.
"Oh, Lily, sorry. You startled me," she said with a happy smile.
"I'm sorry, I uh… you probably weren't expecting to see me in your house, so early, in the morning," Lily babbled, blushing at the implication.
"Actually, James mentioned you'd probably still be sleeping."
"Oh," Lily said slowly. "So you saw him? This morning?"
She gave her a considerate smile. "He didn't speak in so many words but he did take a cuppa on his way out."
Lily gulped and tried desperately to contain the overwhelming sensation of wanting to scream. "Right, well. He's an arsehole and I need to get going."
"Oh, I didn't mean to-"Annabel began but before either could move a small, beautifully dressed girl came whirling out of nowhere. "Mama, mama!"
Lily watched as Annabel scooped her up and set her at her side. "Lily, this is my daughter Charlotte, Charlotte this is Lily."
The girl smiled shyly at Lily, leaning into her mother's arms, her pink dress fluttering around her. "Hi," she said shyly.
"Hi," Lily murmured softly to the beautiful child. "I like your dress."
"It's pink!"
"My favorite color," Lily said to the precious child.
The girl reached out for Lily then and Lily couldn't help taking her into her arms. So pure, nothing had hurt her yet.
"Lily, why don't you come into the kitchen for some breakfast?" Annabel said softly as she steered the two girls inside before Lily even knew how to react.
"I-I have class soon," Lily uttered as Charlotte played with her hair.
"You have red hair," Charlotte stated as she bunched up her eyebrows in examination. "I have brown. Mama," Charlotte demanded, "Can I have red hair?"
Her mom laughed as she waved her wand and begun cooking breakfast. "No, darling."
Her innocence seeped into Lily's chest as she hugged the girl harder before letting her down. She regretted it instantly but Charlotte had already run into the backyard chasing a butterfly. The imagery stuck with Lily as she faced Annabel again.
Annabel smiled as she placed a plate of breakfast in front of Lily. "I have to say I can't help but be glad you and James seem to be working it out."
Lily looked at her sharply. "Excuse me?"
"Oh, I didn't mean it in any way it's just James has spent so many nights here with me and Edgar, well, discussing your relationship."
Lily sat there, her food untouched as she looked at the women. "What relationship?"
Lily knew she was making her uncomfortable but she didn't care. All these people thought they understood the intricacy. But they didn't. They couldn't. "It's just… well when you spent the night, I assumed…"
"Is James here?"
"No."
"Then there is nothing to assume, yeah?"
"Lily," Annabel said trying to touch her hand but Lily flinched. "I don't mean to pry, I just got excited. He talks about you all the time. He loves you very much."
Lily glared at the women. "Loves me? You don't know me or anything about it." Her unexpected anger took Annabel by surprise but Lily was done hearing justification for James or for her reaction to him. "Love has nothing to do with it. And by the way, love isn't enough."
"No, no of course. Lily I didn't mean-"
"You didn't mean to what? Defend him?"
"I just didn't want you to feel upset that he wasn't here… he was called for a mission. He didn't really have a choice."
Lily rolled her eyes big time. "That's thick. There is always a choice and James knows exactly what he is doing."
"Lily-" Annabel started but Lily had had it up to here with the Order's opinion of her and James.
"No, you don't get a say in this! None of you do! Everyone around here thinks James and I are just big ole joke, a couple of young lovers that can't get it together. Well it's not funny or a joke because everything that is happening, it's happening to me! James always had a choice, and his choice has never been me! You say he loves me, why doesn't he love me enough to stay! And I'm not talking about him choosing me over his mission, I mean him waking me up and saying goodbye properly. Claiming to want to protect me isn't an excuse and neither is the fact that he got called upon a mission. There are so many decisions made in between that then just up and leave!"
"Lily, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…"
Lily shook her head, not having the courage to look at her out of shame and embarrassment and frustration. She was so tired of thinking about James. Before Lily knew what was happening she was engulfed in a hug by the stranger.
"I'm sorry," Annabel murmured, as Lily remained stiff in her warm arms. "I shouldn't have assumed anything." She released her and gently and put Lily back into her seat as if she was a little girl.
"Why don't you eat? A shame for it to go to waste."
Lily nodded mutely and picked up her fork mechanically, taking a bite of the scrambled eggs on her plate. They were slightly milky and Lily let out a small smile.
"You put milk in the eggs? My mom used to do that."
"I can't take the credit, I'm afraid," Annabel said, looking at her sheepishly. "James told me."
"Oh," Lily said feeling suddenly uncomfortable at how she had yelled at this very nice lady who had made her breakfast. "So it was more than just a cuppa?"
"Well… he's just so hungry all the time. I've never seen anyone stuff food down his throat the way he does," Annabel said, successfully lighting down the mood. "Expect maybe Sirius."
Lily let out a small laugh at that.
"So I made him breakfast. He… He was very nervous about leaving. He kept twitching and slipping his coffee."
Lily ate another chunk of her eggs. "Yeah, well… he's a tosser."
Lily watched as Annabel came over and sat across from her, taking one of her hands in her own. "I won't pry, and I realize there is a lot I don't know… But this life, the Order life, I mean… it's not easy. Especially when you love someone. And I'm not defending him," Annabel said as she saw Lily begin to speak. "But people react in different ways, and James is still incredibly young."
Lily looked out the window again into the blue sky, sighing at her reflection. "It's hard because he doesn't share anything with me and everyone just expects me to understand," Lily looked at Annabel. "And I just don't."
"I think he is learning… the hard way. You have to understand, Lily," Annabel said softly and Lily looked into her eyes. The eyes of someone who knew. "He's terrified out there. And that terror doesn't disappear when he enters this house or anywhere else. And instead of dealing with that terror he suppresses it but suppressing it means also suppressing you."
Lily gulped. "I just wish… sometimes I wish that I-" But the words wouldn't come out and Annabel reached for her with understanding. "It's just not fair because I love him so much and I don't want too. Can you imagine loving someone you wish you didn't?"
Annabel gave her a comforting hug and Lily leaned into her strong shoulders desperate for affection. "Leaving you all those times… I think it's the biggest regrets of his life. And at this point, he would rather not deal with it because there is too much at stake and too much he's lost."
"I-I don't understand," Lily said as she whipped the tears.
"He loves you so much that not having you in his life is not comprehensible but having you in his life is worse because then he would have something to lose. He doesn't understand that he is already losing."
Lily didn't respond for slow minutes, not knowing what to do any longer. It was horrible, feeling so out of control with rationality when he was around.
"How do you and Edgar do it?" Lily asked softly.
Annabel laughed heartily as Lily let her go. "I'll tell you if you finish eating. I have no idea but I'm assuming you lost weight."
Lily gave her a weepy smile and resumed eating.
"You have to understand also that me and Edgar are married so he can tell me everything, and we have Charlotte keeping us together. So it doesn't give him much of a choice, you see, to run away though I'm assuming sometimes he wants too," she said lightly in humor.
Lily laughed and shrugged helplessly. "That seems impossible."
"What?"
"Baby, marriage. James can't even spend the night with me properly let alone propose marriage. His brain would probably explode at a baby."
"I think you'd be surprised."
Lily snorted and rolled her eyes as she drank the orange juice in front of her.
Annabel looked at her curiously. "What if he did?"
Lily looked at her incredulously and let out a burst of laughter. "What? Ask me to marry him?"
"Yeah," she said simply.
Lily wanted to laugh hysterically because hadn't she considered it before? Hadn't she dreamed it beautiful fantasies were the sun was shining and the sky was the clearest color blue and James stayed?
She looked at Annabel with open eyes and shrugged. Annabel gave her a light pat on her shoulder and grinned as she got up.
"Do you want anything else to eat?"
"Oh no, I'm good thanks." But Lily remained in her seat as she watched Annabel move around the kitchen. "James talks about me?"
Annabel looked back at her. "Honestly? He doesn't talk about much else." She closed the cabinet and looked at Lily pale in the chair. "I realize that James has acted… poorly in regards to you, and there's obviously a lot I don't know. But to us… he's slightly obsessed."
"What does that mean?"
"He doesn't talk about you in so many words but he stays here a lot when he's out on missions. When's he's not fighting he's thinking about you and when he is fighting, he's reckless."
It was too much. Too much information to process. First with the Order, her night with James and now this. Lily just wanted to get back to what she was good at. And away from these emotions and if James could suppress her, well she could suppress him right back.
"I-I should probably get going. Class and all," Lily said as she stood.
"Of course, and Lily if you need anything, the door is always open."
But before Annabel could say anything else, Lily walked out and Apparated.
TBC