CHAPTER 10

"Linka, you've said very little since we left."

Linka heard Gi's voice. It was coming from far away, like inside a tunnel, even though her friend was sitting right next to her, busy piloting the Geo Cruiser. She turned to her, blinking and coming back to the present dimension.

"I am just... oh, Gi, what do I do? How do I tell Wheeler?"

"How about, 'honey, I'm pregnant!' ?"

"Gi!" Linka groaned, rolling her eyes skyward. It was amazing that Gi could find such amusement in such a jumbled up situation.

"Ok, sorry! This is serious business, I know. How come you're so worried about telling him, Linka? I thought you guys were head over heels in love! It certainly looks that way to everyone."

"Da, but it is not that simple," Linka sighed, twisting her Planeteer ring around her finger. The pale blue orb glistened in the light. "Having a baby... that is a very big step. It is going to complicate everything and I am not sure Wheeler is ready for something so serious."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Can you see Wheeler taking care of a baby?" Linka blurted out her fears, the dam she had built giving way a little under the pressure of the conversation.

"You know how much I love him, Gi, but I feel like he himself is still growing up. We are both so young... I do not want him to feel trapped into settling down with me just because it would be 'the right thing to do' ".

Gi nodded a little. "Yes, he's like that, Linka. He doesn't like to admit it, but he can be a bit of a moralist at times. But I really don't think he'll be unhappy settling down next to you. I can't remember a time when Wheeler wasn't completely in love with you."

Linka sighed. Her face saddened and she tore her eyes away from Gi's warm smile. Her arms circled her waist instinctively, wondering for the first time how big her baby was, at what rate that tiny little cell was growing inside her. She felt a strong wave of protectiveness flooding her senses, like a warrior must feel while preparing for battle.

"I do not want to lose him," Linka remarked softly, looking down at her hands uselessly folded in her lap. "It has taken me years to admit that i love him, to let him get close to me. We are finally at such a wonderful point in our relationship, and I am afraid that we will lose it all if one of us is not happy with this... turn of events."

"It's normal to feel that way, Linka. I would be a little scared, too. But Wheeler loves you, he's going to take care of you, and everything is going to work out, trust me. You just need to talk to him, to plan out how things are going to look from now on."

"How easy you make it sound, Gi!"

"You'll feel a lot better once you let it all out," was Gi's encouraging reply. "How about tomorrow? Both of you can fly me out to San Diego and then you can tell him without any fear of being disturbed."

"Bozhe moi, that is tomorrow? I had totally forgotten! But Gi... you cannot leave me!"

Gi laughed at the apparent panic in Linka's voice.

"Relax, Linka! I'm only gone for a day! Think of it this way: by the time we see each other again, Wheeler will know and everything will no longer seem so complicated!"

Linka watched him silently from the doorway. It was late and the Commons Room was alive with the bluish glow from the television. Wheeler was sitting comfortably, his tall frame sprawled out on the leather sofa, an arm resting behind his head. The channels flipped at the speed of light, a habit of his that used to drive her crazy at the beginning, but had eventually learned to tolerate with time. His face was relaxed but he seemed lost in thought and she marvelled at her ability to read him. Again, she felt a wave of adoration observing him. He was handsome, from the firm line of his nose, the broadness of his shoulders, the unruly red hair cut short, his well-defined jaw line and the seemingly amused way he pursed his lips. Not only that, he was brave enough to fight, smart enough to know when not to, irrational at times, yes, but always acting from the heart. Small goose bumps traveled her arms when she thought of his tender side when he made love to her, the times he lost control with her, his soft goodnight kisses before she closed her eyes to the world.

Linka placed one hand on her flat stomach and blinked back tears. She had experienced happiness that was unimaginable to some, and a large part of her felt ice-cold fear at the very thought of losing it all. She was surprised at discovering this selfish part of her personality. From now on, however, there was no room for feeding her fancies. There was another human being reliant on her, a tiny being that needed her constant attention and affection.

She breathed evenly and stepped out of the shadows. I can keep this a secret no longer, was her driving thought as she neared Wheeler. It was fair to say she needed help in carrying the massive load on her shoulders. The uncertainty of the near future was playing havoc with her senses, and only Wheeler could assist in the planning.

"Hey, beautiful."

Linka watched as a genuine smile formed on his lips and she sat down next to him. In a moment, he had pulled her in for a crushing hug.

"Hey," she echoed, her body readily molding to his. From the beginning, she had always liked how well they fit together, how easy it was to be in his arms.

"Have I told you yet today how much I love you?" His fingers were combing through the loose strands of her hair while his lips brushed against her forehead.

"Hmm, even if you did, I would not tire of hearing it a second time."

Her comment pleased him, for she felt the curve of his smile against her skin, before reminding herself that she had come in with a specific intent.

"Jacob..."

"Linka..."

She pulled a little away from him to examine his eyes. They were sky-blue and shining.

"You first," Linka smiled a little, squeezing his hand.

Coward! a little annoying voice called out from the depths of her mind.

Then, Wheeler kissed her mouth and his determination silenced all within her.

"Babe, it's incredible how happy you make me," he whispered with genuine adoration in his voice. "When I wake up with you next to me, I can't believe how good of a life I have. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm dreaming! For the first time, I'm doing something I love, something I'm good at, and the best part is that it's making a difference in the world. Gaia gave us such a gift, didn't she? Not only that, she brought me to you and just thinking about what we have... it blows my mind. There are times I'm scared I'll do something to mess it all up, because surely it's too perfect and I don't deserve it all. But you gotta promise me, babe, that nothing's gonna change between us. I love things exactly as they are right now, I wouldn't change a single thing."

The look of pure joy on his face was for the first time like an axe to Linka's heart. She had just received proof of her deepest fears since she had learned of being pregnant. Wheeler did not want for anything to change between them. His expectations were typical of a carefree and fun-loving couple, for them to have no solid rules, no set times, no set plans. He wanted the life of a regular twenty-something year old with the girl he had always dreamed of loving and nothing more.

Linka's stomach flipped like it was leaping into the void and she reminded herself to blink, then smile.

"Great... that is along the lines of what I was going to say..." she trailed off pensively and Wheeler kissed her. It was the first lie she had told him since they had started their relationship, and it left a bitter taste in her mouth, but her heart had blocked the little speech she had prepared from coming out. She felt like a villain ruining Wheeler's happiness; he had surely worked hard enough to earn it, with her stubborn character to bypass and all. What if he got angry with her news, or if he panicked to the extreme? These possibilities, however, paled to how tragic it would be if Wheeler decided to leave her. What if he didn't want the weight of a baby on his shoulders so early on in life? Or worse yet, what if he accepted it out of a sense of mere moral duty? Her pride would not stand for that! Plus, she hated to think she could be a source of resentment for him in the future.

A mind that races invites anxiety and Linka was feeling its effects. She suddenly envisioned her and her tiny baby alone in the world, like a dark vortex could open up underneath her feet, with nothing to grasp except blackness.

Linka let her heavy head rest on Wheeler's shoulder and he cuddled her in his arms. She was glad they could watch television in silence because she had run out of things to say.

An acute sadness was piercing her heart when she later pretended to fall asleep against him. Wheeler turned off the television and readily carried her to bed. When he came to lie down next to her, Linka felt as slimy as a monster. Her behavior was upsetting her, but she had no choice; she did not know what else to do. Her fears were bringing on a lethal paralysis.

They did not make love that night.