Irony
By Serena
Setting: AU Clone Wars
Summary: An accident causes Asajj Ventress to have memory loss. And consequently, she falls madly in love with the first man she sets eyes on. Needless to say, the results are humorous. AU.
A/N: For the purposes of this story, I've changed Ahsoka's age to 18. Rex will be 23.
Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue.
CHAPTER TEN: "Red Bull Gives You Buffalo Wings"
Fabio was ready to kill himself. Or kill the terrible trio. But that would be if Fabio knew how to kill. The only thing he knew about killing anything was having killer looks. Other than that, he wouldn't know a blaster from a thermal detonator.
"Kill-a me-a now-a!" he wailed as Aayla danced around the room in one of Padme's dresses, singing "Girls Just Wanna Kill Droids" at the top of her lungs. Padme was shaking her frizzy head and dancing along, singing a very bad harmony, and Asajj was jumping up and down on the cushions.
"OOH OOH GIRLS JUST WANNA KILL DROIDS!" Aayla screeched. Her lekku shook in front of her face.
"WOO HOO!" Asajj screamed. She bounced up on the cushions and tripped suddenly, stumbling forward onto Aayla, who happened to trip on Padme's dress at that moment. Both tumbled to the floor.
RRRRIPPPP!!
Padme stopped dancing and shrieked: "MY DRESS! MY DRESS!"
"GERROF ME!" Aayla yelled to Asajj. "GERROF ME!"
"I'M ON TOP OF THE WOOORLD!" Asajj just hooted happily.
"GET-A ME-A OUTTA HERE-A!" Fabio hollered, clutching his bare chest dramatically as he collapsed into a chair. "Ladies-a! You're going-a to ruin-a your hair-a!"
Asajj just giggled as Aayla shoved her off.
"Darn-a those-a Red-Bulls-a!" Fabio wailed, looking anxiously at all of the empty cans of energy drink littered on the floor.
"RED BULL IS KING!" Asajj screamed.
"RED BULL IS A JEDI!" Aayla cried.
"RED BULL IS EMPEROR!" Padme yelled, holding up a can.
"RED BULL-A IS A NIGHTMARE-A!" Fabio cried. The wind suddenly swept up from nowhere, dashingly blowing through his long, beautiful locks. He struck a tall, dramatic pose and stared at nothing in particular until Aayla decided to hurl a Red Bull can at him.
"OAF!" Fabio choked, doubling over.
Aayla grinned evilly and raised both hands into the air. "TEN POINTS!" she yelled triumphantly. "I WIN! Go Aayla, go Aayla," she sang, dancing around again in Padme's ripped dress.
"No fair!" Asajj pouted. She picked up two cans and threw them at Fabio's head. The man tumbled to the ground with a moan. "HA! FIFTY POINTS!"
"You're LEAFING ME OUT!" Padme yelled. She giggled. "Hee hee!! Leaf!!"
"Leaf me alone!" Aayla laughed.
"Leaf or be killed!" Asajj hooted.
"Why don't you just make like a tree and LEAF!" Padme snickered helplessly.
All three collapsed to the floor and stared up at the ceiling. Finally, when their laughter died down, Asajj sighed happily.
"Should we wake up Fabio?" she asked.
"Why?" Aayla demanded.
"He looks kinda out of it."
"So?"
"Could be dead. Should we wake him up?"
Padme blinked, and Aayla shrugged.
"Nah," all three ladies agreed at once.
Anakin and Obi-Wan couldn't remember ever being in a more dangerous situation. The fatality rate was extreme. The enemy was surrounding them and cutting off all hope of beautiful escape. The stakes were high. The territory was not to their advantage. They were trapped.
The enemies' mouths were gleaming, dripping, and foaming. They licked their lips, eyes glittering menacingly. They stretched out their clawed hands to take the two Jedi. One of the enemies suddenly opened its mouth and shrieked "GO GET HIM, GIRLS!"
The band of women screamed and paraded after Anakin and Obi-Wan, who found themselves trapped in one of the training rooms.
"BLOCK THE DOORS!" cried another.
"DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY!" screamed another.
"HOLD IT JUST A KRIFFING MINUTE!" Anakin roared.
All the ladies drooled even more.
"Ooh, he's soooo hot when he's angry," cooed one, batting her eyelashes.
"Look at those glistening pectorals!" giggled another short lady.
"And his silky hair! Don't ya just wanna run your hands through it!" another lady sighed dreamily.
"I could stare forever into his baby blues!"
"Me too!"
"HOLD THE COMLINK!" Obi-Wan yelled. "You have to release us, ladies!"
The women looked at each other. "Why?"
Obi-Wan and Anakin looked at each other. "Yeah, Obi-Wan, why?" Anakin muttered.
"Well, because… because…" Obi-Wan spluttered. He looked frantically at Anakin. "Because he's married!"
Anakin's jaw dropped. His eyes widened. "WHO TOLD?" he squawked.
Obi-Wan looked at him with a suspicious glare. "I was lying," he hissed.
Anakin quickly shut his mouth. "Er… um… I mean… I'm cold?" he weakly corrected.
"We don't care if he's married!" a lady cried. "He's ours now!"
"Wait just a Tatooine minute!" shouted Ahsoka as she stormed into the room, followed very closely by Rex. "Ladies, listen up. If Obi-Wan and Anakin duel with their shirts off, will you let them go?"
"WHAT?" Obi-Wan and Anakin yelled.
Ahsoka grinned. "Your choice, boys. Fight or die."
Both Jedi looked at each other, then the women, then to Ahsoka, and gulped. "Fight it is," Obi-Wan said weakly.
Rex looked down at Ahsoka with a smirk. "You're cute when you're commanding."
Ahsoka shot him a dirty look and edged away from him. Obi-Wan and Anakin in the meantime went to the center of the room, where a circle had formed around them, and slowly, hesitantly took off their shirts.
Every Jedi in the Temple wondered what in Yoda's name was going on when a simultaneous feminine shriek of glee boomed through the Temple.
Obi-Wan and Anakin had been dueling for the past half hour, and they were now both sweating, completely focused, and also completely ignoring the giggles and whistles and sighs every time one of them made a good move.
Obi-Wan dodged a blow from Anakin and parried, but the younger Jedi flipped over, much to the pleasure of their watchers, and slashed across Obi-Wan's back. Obi-Wan whirled around and blocked it.
Ahsoka was taking bets on who would win and grinning. "Moola, here I come," she said, taking another credit chip from a crazed lady.
Rex looked down at her. He didn't have his helmet on, so she could see his raised eyebrow. "You want money?" he asked.
"Of course," she answered as if it were obvious. "My dream is to marry the richest guy on Coruscant so I'll never have to want for anything."
Rex scowled. He didn't exactly make a lot of money. Actually, he wasn't really sure if he was getting paid or not.
"I gotta get me some dough," he muttered before jamming his helmet onto his head and storming out of the room. Ahsoka blinked, confused, and watched him leave. She shrugged her shoulders and continued counting her money.
"Weirdo."
"Ahsoka?"
Ahsoka looked up to see Padme, followed by Aayla and… who was that? The ladies had obviously gotten a makeover and all looked quite nice, though a little frazzled. Ahsoka hopped to her feet and stared at the ladies' companion. "Hey, Padme!" she greeted. "Uh, who is that?"
Padme grinned. "Mwa ha ha ha. Can't you tell?"
The stranger beamed and said, "Hey, Soka! How's it going?"
Ahsoka's eyes widened. The credit chips dropped from her hands. "Ventress?" she squeaked.
"Indeedee it is!" Asajj chirped, bouncing up and down on her feet. "Where's Obi-Wan?"
Ahsoka suddenly grinned and pointed to where the two men were fighting. Padme stared at the crowd, then her husband, who was shirtless. Her eyes darkened, and her hands curled into fists. The women grew a little worried when Padme's face started to turn purple.
"Uh, Padme?" Aayla said, touching her hesitantly.
But Padme wouldn't listen. "He… is… DEAD!" she screeched, and stormed off into the crowd, shoving women out of the way.
"Oh, dear," remarked Asajj.
Ahsoka shrugged and picked up her money. "Oh, well. There goes that fun. I'm betting on Padme now." She looked at the two ladies and frowned. "Hey, wait a minute," she whined. "You got a makeover without me?"
TBC...
No Mace or Yoda ;D in this chapter - but more Fabio :D!! And I think sweaty, shirtless Obi and Ani really make up for it. :D I guess I forgot about the surprise guest - AGAIN!! Argh. Well, the surprise guest WILL be coming along... sometime this century. :-p
- Serena