When Alec hung up with Magnus, he let out a huge breath. He had been holding it in for some time. In a way, Alec felt responsible for the way things were going, and he wanted to make the best of the time that Magnus and him had together.

I'm going to do it, he told himself, When I see Magnus tomorrow night, I'm going to tell him I love him. I'll take control of the situation and show him too. Alec snapped back into reality when Isabelle was walking into his room.

"Hey," she said weakly, "How're you doing?"

"I think it's more along the lines of," Alec replied, "how are you doing?"

Isabelle looked down at the carpet, her long hair fell over her face, "Please don't ask me that right now," she whispered, "I'm not okay, and I don't want to talk about it."

"I understand," Alec walked over to his little sister and he wrapped his arm around her, "If you want to talk about me, then we can."

She raised her head and smiled at him, "So you and Magnus are a thing now, right?"

"Erm," Alec released Isabelle and stepped back, "I guess."

"Ohh," She giggled, "You love him, don't you?"

"Shut up Iz," He growled, taking a seat at his desk, "Is this really what you wanted?"

"No," She sighed and closed his door. She flung herself on Alec's bed and covered her face with her arm, "I came to talk about leaving Sheridan."

"I don't really see it as a bad thing," Alec tried to see his fathers' reasoning; "This small town is bad for our growth as adults."

"But is this what we want?" Isabelle looked at her brother, "We have friends, and a life here. I have Simon, even if he can't see it, and you have Magnus."

"Don't forget about Clary."

"I'm scared for Jace," Isabelle confessed, "He's never accepted change well, and the distance from Clary is going to crush him. Those two are attached at the hip, and-" There was knock on Alec's door, "Come in." Isabelle said.

As if on cue Jace opened the door, "Hey guys, I figured it's time we talked together."

"Yeah, we were just talking about you," Isabelle admitted, "How're you and Clary?"

"Clary is taking it better than I thought." He sat down on the floor cross legged, "Luke said he would drive her up to Aloha and she could ride the train into downtown so I could meet her."

"Problem one solved," Alec tapped his fingers on his desk, "What about you and Simon?"

"I'm sure he could tag along with Clary," Isabelle said almost disinterested, "It doesn't really matter."

"Isabelle," Jace said, "You love that boy, admit it."

"I do not."

"Do too," Alec argued.

"Well what about you and Magnus?" Isabelle threw at him. "Have you even slept with him?"

"No way." Alec wasn't sure he could have this talk with them, "I don't even know what sex is."

"Oh shut up," Jace said, his voice smug, "I know that you're recently out in the open with your sexuality, but it's okay." Isabelle nodded in agreement, "You don't have anything to be afraid of, I'm sure Magnus would take care of you like that."

"Oh my god shut up you two!" Alec stood up, "Get out of my room; I'm not talking about my sex life with my siblings!"

"I'm not technically your brother," Jace added.

"Close enough!" Alec shouted stepping over Jace and swinging his door open, "Out! Get out!"

"I guess we aren't welcome, are we?" Isabelle sat up and crossed her arms, "We can tell when we aren't wanted!" She pouted. She stood up and helped Jace stand. The two of them walked out sticking their tongues out at him. Alec slammed his door, his dad yelled through the walls at him to shut up and he didn't say anything back.

There were only two things in life that Alec wanted, and neither of them was in his reach. Number one, he wanted his mother to be alive, and number two; he didn't want to leave Magnus. He didn't really care about leaving Sheridan, it was a dead end town with one parade a year but Magnus was the only good thing about this place.

This wasn't fair, and there was nothing Alec could do to stop it.

Alec looked at his digital clock, it was about eleven and he was feeling exhausted from the day. The planning it took to make sure his mother had a decent funeral had taken a lot out of him.

Swiftly Alec pulled off his shirt and jeans and stretched his limbs. He stared at himself in the full sized mirror behind his door. First he stared at his face, his eyes looked hollow from all the crying he did and the dark circles contrasted with his blue eyes.

How does Magnus even find me attractive? He thought, I look like a basket case.

Then he looked down at his torso, Alec hadn't been eating too much but his body still supported a nice tone. This was the only thing Alec liked about his body, how even his muscles were. All the training he did at the Martial Arts school really paid off.

That must be it, it must be my body.

Alec trailed his fingers down from his collar bone to the waist band of his underwear. He stopped there and thought about what was hiding there. He remembered what Magnus had said about it, and felt embarrassed for no reason.

So what if he was gifted? Why was Alec feeling ashamed all of a sudden? He was alone in his room, and he was allowed to think and feel about his body in whatever way he wanted.

But why was he so afraid to sleep with Magnus? It was obvious Magnus wanted him, so why did he make him wait?

Did Alec want to? Yes, he decided, he wanted it very badly. Maybe he was being dramatic and dragging it on and making himself appear more desirable.

Alec stopped thinking when he noticed he was stroking his stomach slowly, "Ugh," he said out loud feeling ridiculous, his body didn't need a full inspection, "Is this what being gay is for me?"

Feeling like a moron he stomped over to his wall and turned off the light. Quickly he pulled back the covers of his bed and jumped in, it had been awhile since he had moments like this to think. He tried to think of something normal, but the idea of Magnus underneath him kept creeping up.

Alec rolled onto his back rested his arms on his stomach, and imagined Magnus sitting on top of him. At first he was fully clothed, but then his mind made all of them disappear. Before Alec could stop himself he slid his hand underneath the band of his trousers, he was already hard.

Envisioning Magnus riding him, he gripped himself hard pretending he was thrusting into Magnus. His mind shifted the image all of a sudden and Alec was spreading his legs-

Alec opened his eyes and took a deep breath.

Okay, say that Alec did allow Magnus to top, would it hurt? Alec didn't really get a good look at Magnus' size and it would be nice to know that way he could prepare himself before it took place.

Maybe he could.

He stood up and locked his door; he didn't want anyone walking in on this.

Fumbling around on his side table, Alec reached into his side table and pulled out his lotion. He rarely used it, but it seemed like a good time. He didn't want it to hurt, and he wanted to make Magnus happy.

Alec jumped back into his bed on top of the blankets and stripped himself of his boxers; he poured some of the lotion in his hand and worked it until it warm. Taking a deep breath, Alec grabbed his cock again with is free hand and reached down to his entrance. Carefully he slipped one finger inside and worked at himself.

It hurt less this time and it was just a dull pressure. Alec moved in and out of himself until he felt comfortable trying another finger. His hands shook a little as he pressed his middle finger in, the feeling made him jerk his hand up and it hit a spot inside of him that made his member drool with pre-cum.

He tried it again and stroked himself slowly, his body winding itself tighter than he had ever felt before. Alec tried to stop himself, but his fingers pressed hard inside of him and soon he was reaching the most insane climax he had ever experienced.

Alec lay sprawled on his bed dripping with sweat, spent, and overly sensitized. He had never had an orgasm that left his body feeling like it was on fire. He leaned over and opened one the drawer of his nightstand, grabbed a tissue from its box and wiped up the cum on his stomach, there was so much of it he had to grab a second one.

Dear god, Alec thought, I can't even imagine what it will be like when I'm not doing to myself. Tossing the tissues into the bin, he turned over wrapped his arms around himself. I can do this; I just need to give Magnus a chance.

Without much effort, Alec fell asleep.

…

Alec stared at a stack of pancakes in the middle of the table he had slept in late, and his back-side was a little sore, but he felt pretty good. Robert sat at the head of the table sipping his coffee and reading the paper while Jace shoved his face with pancakes and bacon.

"Where's your sister?" his father asked almost uninterested.

Jace and Alec looked at each other, if she wasn't here then she was probably out, "She's sleeping," Alec lied for her, "She had a rough night."

"Hmm," Robert replied. The table was silent again and then he said, "I'll be bringing some boxes over tonight, so tomorrow morning we can start packing that way after the funeral we can get up to Portland quickly." He still hid behind his paper.

The two brothers' said nothing, Alec could tell Jace was upset about leaving, and Alec had given up on trying to change his fathers' mind.

Bit by bit, Alec cut his pancakes into small pieces. He wasn't feeling too hungry lately, he wanted to eat but everything he consumed made him feel heavy and gross, "J-jace?" Alec asked his friend, "Would you be willing to give me a ride somewhere?"

"Where to?" Jace grabbed his glass of milk and stared at him.

"To uh, Magnus's…" Alec looked over at his father for a reaction, but he remained silent. When he looked back at Jace, he was staring at the back of the newspaper too, "At around two-ish?"

"Sounds find to me," Jace finally took a drink of his milk.

Finding it clear that he wasn't going to get any sort of response out his father, Alec left the table. He took his plate to the sink and rinsed it off. He needed to remember to text Magnus that he would be over a little earlier.

He wanted there to be plenty of time for them to be together.

Alec ran up to his room and pulled out one of his nicer outfits. He didn't have much variety, but he liked how his clothes fit him.

After he packed an overnight bag, just in case, he grabbed his towel and ran to the bathroom. He was shocked to find Isabelle in the bathroom, her toothbrush hung in her mouth as she stared at her reflection angrily. She hadn't taken off her make-up from the night before, her eyes were covered in dark smudges, and her waist length hair was in tangles around her body.

"Isabelle?" Alec called.

It was like she had been pulled out of a trance, "Alec," she said and her toothbrush fell out of her mouth and it fell into the sink. Recovering she grabbed the brush and rinsed it in the sink, "I just got home," she confessed, "Don't tell dad."

"Did you sleep?" Alec asked.

"Yeah…" her flawless skin shone with red tones, "I was… with Simon."

"I don't want to hear it!" Alec groaned, "Get out, I need to shower."

She rolled her eyes and stomped out of the bathroom, her toothbrush still in her mouth.

Alec had finally undressed and stepped into the shower. His body was slightly sore from what he did to himself the night before, just thinking about it sent him into fits of embarrassment. What would Magnus think if he told him what he did?

Once Alec was finished washing his hair with Isabelle's shampoo (it smelled better than his) and scrubbed himself with some soap, he stepped out and dried his hair. He ran his hand over the foggy mirror and gave himself another inspection.

Alec's eyes seemed shinier, and the good sleep he got last night helped his complexion. The mirror fogged back up quickly and Alec took it as a sign to hurry up and get out of the bathroom. He still needed to text Magnus and ask him if it was okay for him to come over early.

Wrapping his towel around his waist, Alec picked up his dirty clothes and ran to his room. He threw the clothes in his hamper and sat down on his bed, still in his towel. Alec reached over to his nightstand and grabbed his phone; there was a text from his martial arts teacher telling him they had a mandatory meeting on Sunday. He sent his acknowledgment to him then quickly went to his messages with Magnus.

A: Hey, are you awake?

M: Barely, what's up?

A: Could I come over a little earlier than planned?

There was a pause in Magnus' response setting Alec on edge. Was he being too pushy or clingy? He didn't want Magnus to get annoyed with him. After about 15 minutes he finally replied.

M: The door's open, come whenever you like my love. I'll see you soon.

Instead of sending a text reply, Alec went over to his full body mirror. He quickly snapped a picture of himself with his towel a little lower than necessary then sent it to Magnus. Alec felt silly, but he hoped Magnus would find it funny.

M: Don't tease me.

That was all he sent in response and that told Alec Magnus wasn't upset with him for anything. He was excited for his visit with Magnus and rushed to get dressed. He was having a hard time calming his nerves so he left his room and found Jace downstairs sitting at their old piano staring into space.

"Hey," Alec sat down next to the blond boy, "You okay? Normally you would play this."

Jace looked at Alec with anger in his eyes, "I seriously can't believe Robert is making us do this. He doesn't seem to understand that we are dealing with a serious death. I hate how he thinks he can just pull us out of our lives and be okay with it."

"I don't think he's okay with anything," Alec said, trying to understand his father was difficult but out of the three of them he seemed to see the reasoning behind his actions the best, "His wife just died, and he's not coping well."

With a shallow laugh Jace pressed a few of the yellow keys of the piano, then stopped and looked at Alec, "Do you think this family is going to be okay?"

Honestly Alec had no clue, but Jace seemed to be on edge and he would tell his friend what he needed to hear, "I think so," he tried, "We just need to remember that we're a family in the first place."

"We are a family," Jace accepted, "I'm sorry this happened."

"Me too," Alec looked down his phone and saw it about time for them to leave, "Not to ruin the mood or anything, but it's about time for me to go over to Magnus'."

"Some mood it was," Jace rolled his eyes, "I'll go grab my keys and I'll meet you outside."

The two stood up at the same time, Jace ran upstairs and Alec followed him. He ran into his room and grabbed his bag and then rushed back downstairs. He slipped on his shoes and the jacket Magnus bought him.

When he opened the door the air had dropped several degrees since the day before, the clouds were a deep purple, heavy with snow. Alec knew it wouldn't stick though, it had snowed several times in Sheridan, but it usually lasted for about thirty minutes and then it was over.

Alec went to Jace's car and waited for him idly. He sent a text to Magnus to let him know he was about to leave, but Magnus didn't text back. Again, was he being annoying?

Jace stumbled out of the front door, he was pulling his jacket on and mumbling something to himself angrily, "Hey," he said to Alec, "Robert just tried to lecture me about you."

"About me?" Alec asked.

"Yeah, get in the car," He unlocked Alec's side and he jumped in fastening his seatbelt. Jace slid in and turned the car on, letting it warm up a bit. His breath shone in the cold November air, "Robert is in serious denial about your sexuality."

"No shit." Alec moaned, "What did he say?"

"He wanted me to try and introduce you to some girls," Jace rolled his eyes and put the car in gear, backing out of the driveway, "When we got Portland, that is."

"I don't have anything against girls," Alec said looking down at his phone to see if Magnus had replied, he hadn't, "I just don't want to have sex with them, or pursue a long term relationship with them either."

"I tried to tell Robert that it was your life and choice, and he wouldn't listen," Jace turned the corner, he finally put on his seatbelt, "I'll do all I can to make sure you get to see Magnus, okay?"

"Why does it matter to you?"

"Because you're my brother," Jace looked at him briefly, then back to the road, "Your happiness matters to me."

"Did you leave me at Magnus' that one night on purpose?" Alec pried.

Jace smiled, "Yeah. I knew you needed a push, and I was the one that had to do it."

"I think I'm going to sleep with Magnus soon." He confided, "I'm ready."

"You haven't already?" Jace said shocked, "If I was into him, I would have been all over that. You were with him for several days."

"We got close," Alec could feel his blood pounding in his ears, "Then I…"

"Chickened out?"

Alec sighed and looked back at his phone, still no answer, "Pretty much. But I can do this, I'm not scared."

"Who tops?" Jace's expression was devilish.

"Erm, I'd rather not talk about it."

"You're a bottom!" Jace laughed, "I knew it."

"I am not!" Alec said, for some reason offended, "It's sort of equal with Magnus."

"So you're both reversible."

"Jace, for someone so heterosexual, you sure know a lot about this." Alec said with an accusatory tone, "Is there something you're not telling the class?"

"You're clever at times," Jace said, "You know that right?" Alec shook his head in denial.

Jace pulled the car to a slow stop, and they sat in front of Magnus' house, "This is me," Alec gestured towards Magnus' place, "Isabelle didn't get home till this morning, will you make sure she eats something? She's been bad about that lately."

"Can you blame her?" Jace grimaced, "I'll make sure she eats though."

"Thanks," Alec leaned forward and grabbed his overnight bag then he hugged Jace quickly then got out of the car. He leaned in and said to Jace, "I'll see you later, tell dad I might be home tomorrow if he asks."

"Sure, be safe." Jace smiled and Alec shut the car door.

Alec crossed Magnus' yard, the frozen grass crunched under his feet. He looked behind himself and saw the footsteps he left in the grass, suddenly he felt like it was a bad idea to walk through that. What if Magnus' dad came home and saw the steps, he would know that someone was there.

Too late now, Alec thought feeling like an idiot.

Taking a moment to compose himself; Alec stood before Magnus' door. He looked in the reflection of the windows in the door; the lights in the hallway were off so it was easy to see himself.

Alec's face was red from the cold, but his complexion was clear. His eyes were still bright, and his hair was flat and straight. He was grateful he looked decent for the first time in his life, only Magnus made him feel like he was beautiful and he wanted to look his best.

Slowly Alec turned the door knob and stepped inside. It was warm, too warm for Alec's jacket. He quickly pulled it off, along with his shoes and hung the jacket on one of the hooks on the wall.

Alec didn't bother turning on a light, because he heard music coming from the upstairs so he just followed the sound. He didn't bother being quiet, he sort of wanted Magnus to know he was there; he didn't want to scare him.

The music got louder as he approached Magnus's room, even the lighting there was very low, "Magnus?" He said as he stepped in, Magnus was lying on his bed with his arm over his eyes, he wore a gray button up shirt, "Are you awake?"

Magnus moved his arm from his eyes and looked at Alec, it was hard to tell what is expression was, "Come here." He said, gesturing his hand his way. Alec obeyed, setting his bag down next to the door; he cleared the distance between them.

Before Alec could say anything, Magnus sat up on the edge of the bed and grabbed his hips. He hooked his fingers underneath the fabric of Alec's shirt and tugged him down playfully. Alec fell down to his level, crawling into Magnus' lap. Their lips met instantly, and Alec could feel his body becoming loose in his arms.

Magnus groaned against his lips and his hands traveled to his lower back, hiking up his shirt and running his hands over the skin of his back. Alec felt heavy with his shirt so he pulled it off; Magnus moved his mouth down Alec's neck and his collar bone. He sucked hard on the skin there, Alec knew he would have another mark but he didn't care.

"Magnus," Alec whispered, "I love you."

Suddenly Magnus stopped, his grip on Alec froze and his hands tightened on his skin, "Alec, I have to show you something." He straightened and Alec slid off his lap, Magnus leaned forward and reached towards the lamp on his nightstand. The soft glow filled the room, and Alec got a good look at Magnus.

His eyes looked dull and red, like he had been crying. He wore a button up shirt and he was undoing the buttons slowly, "Listen, if this is about us having sex, I'm ready." Alec was feeling very self-conscious.

Magnus stopped undoing his buttons and he looked confused, "Did you think I was mad about that or something?"

"You were being so short," Alec flushed, "I was afraid that I was being annoying."

"Alec," Magnus scooted closer to Alec and pressed a small kiss to his lips. Alec wanted to go further, but Magnus pulled back, "I'm about to show you something very important. This is something that I haven't shown to anyone, ever." He continued to undo his shirt, "What happens next is completely up to you."

He undid the last button and stripped himself of the shirt. Alec looked at his beautiful dark skin, but his eyes rested on his neck. Two bruised handprints painted his flesh, it looked tender, "Magnus, what happened?" Alec wanted to reach out to him, but he was afraid he would hurt him.

"So…" Magnus took a deep breath before continuing then he said, "My dad came home a little early, and he said he had work nearby or something. He was about to leave, and then he saw the bag of clothes that I had bought you. He looked at the size and saw they weren't mine, so he attacked me."

"Your father attacked you?" Alec said processing the tale, "What did you do?"

"I managed to get him off me before I passed out this time," Magnus explained, his eyes had turned glassy, "But he hurt my neck pretty badly."

"I'm…" Alec took a moment to process his emotions, and he found he was furious, "I'm actually pissed right now; I wish I could punch your father in the face."

"Me too," Magnus crossed his arms and leaned forward, "You have to understand something about me Alec, I put up with this for a reason."

"How could you allow this?" Alec reached out and touched a piece of Magnus' hair.

"My mother, she's not well- mentally." He told Alec, "She's got this image in her mind that my father is some golden god. I have to behave or else he'll toss her aside, he's almost done it before. My actions are the base of her happiness."

"But your happiness matters too," Alec was desperately trying to understand Magnus's reasoning.

"I love my mother," Magnus kissed Alec's palm, "And she won't even look at me. If I can provide her with a happy life, then my happiness is second. Wouldn't you do the same for your mother?"

Alec felt a stab at his heart; he was still healing from the loss of his mother. Alec felt tears pooling in his eyes, he tried to keep them in but it was useless. He was crying for his mother, but he was also crying for Magnus, "I understand." Alec barely whispered, "Is there anything you need from me?"

Magnus pulled Alec close and the two cried together. Their kisses were sort of wet and sloppy, their kisses like waves from the ocean, salty and forceful yet always coming back for more. Alec was careful not to grab Magnus' neck, but he kept pressing Alec tightly to him.

For a while it was nothing but lips, tongue, teeth and wandering hands.