Prompt from pharocomics: Dean and Cas are raising their adopted daughter, Charlie, and it becomes time for... "THE TALK." Humor me.

I feel like she's changing me from the angst lady to the family & kid fic lady lol. She's also making a valiant effort at turning me into the crack lady.

Charlie knew from the moment her papa stared into space, drew his brow together in confusion, and stated, "I will never understand why it is referred to as the 'bird and the bee.' There is no correlation between the two, and certainly none between those things and human copulation," that this was going to be the most awkward sex talk ever.

"Look, Charlie," Dean began sternly, sitting far too straight-backed and refusing to meet his teenage daughter's eyes, "you're fifteen now. It's time Papa and I talked to you about... certain urges you'll be getting."

"Long past time, probably," Castiel added casually.

Dean's eyes widened comically as he flailed at his husband. "What!? What do you mean long past time!? What do you know that I don't!?" He turned the feral look on Charlie, looking positively heartbroken. "My sweet, sweet baby girl, don't tell me... No! It's too awful!"

Castiel rolled his eyes. "Must you be so dramatic? I am only saying that biologically speaking, she has probably been feeling these urges for awhile now. You remember what it was like."

Dean pouted. Yes, pouted. Dean Winchester, Charlie's overly macho dad, was actually pouting. "That's different, Cas. We're dudes."

Castiel narrowed his eyes and smacked his husband over the head.

"OW! What the hell was that for!?" Dean shouted, wearing a hurt expression and rubbing the back of his head.

Castiel glared back. "For being a sexist idiot. Men aren't the only ones who feel sexual urges, Dean. You are being very close minded."

Charlie had never felt so embarrassed in her life.

Dean glared back. "And how would you know!? Thought you said you'd never been with a woman!"

Cas rolled his eyes again. "First of all, I don't have to have been with a woman to know that women aren't chase, sexless creatures. That's a very disturbing view point, Dean, especially coming from someone who has been with women. Second of all, I have a sister, remember? I am well aware of what she got up to in high school and college."

Gross! Charlie really hadn't needed all that information. She didn't need to imagine her parents' sex life, she didn't need to imagine her dad (who should only ever be with other dudes because seriously?) having sex with women, and she definitely didn't need to think of sweet Aunt Anna as some crazed, teenage sex fiend.

"Cas! Are you calling your sister a whore!?"

"I've called her worse to her face," Castiel deadpanned.

This was getting out of hand.

Taking a deep breath, Charlie tentatively began, "Hey, guys?"

Both of her fathers finally returned their attention to her.

"Look, this is... um... sweet?... and all, but anything you are going to tell me I've already either learned in school or from the internet. Besides, I like girls, so it's not like the whole 'birds and the bees' thing, or 'plugs and outlets' or whatever other corny metaphor you want to use for hetero sex is really going to apply here."

Her fathers stared at her, gob smacked.

Dean was the first one to snap out of it, tentatively asking, "You're gay?"

Charlie nodded slowly, not quite sure what to expect from her dad.

Dean jumped out of his seat, pumping a fist in the air. "HELL YES! I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DEALING WITH ANY SNOT NOSED PUNKS OR MY BABY GETTING PREGNANT!" He swept Charlie up in a bone-crushing hug. "Oh Baby, I've never been so relieved in my life."

Then Cas was shouting, "Wait a minute! That doesn't mean this conversation is over! There's still safety to discuss!" But Dean ignored him in favor of lavishing adulations on their daughter.

Charlie couldn't help feeling like maybe she should have just kept her mouth shut. As if a regular sex talk wasn't bad enough, she'd now have to endure a talk about lesbian sex conducted by her two very gay (or, well, one very gay and one apparently bi curious) dads. So help her god, if she found out Aunt Anna had any first hand experience to add to the topic, she was running away from home and joining a LARPing community.