The Heartbeat

Chapter 10

"Different sides of the coin"

The first weeks of Gilli's work as physician's apprentice went quite smoothly. There was no real emergencies and Gilli could slowly learn the basic knowledge of physician practice that he was lacking.

Merlin could tell that Gaius was proud of his small progress and he was glad too. Gilli was a nice change in his daily routines. It always felt good to have someone with gift of magic to talk to. Gilli was different than him in many aspects, but Merlin could see certain similarities between them.

"How is your friend doing?" Arthur asked him one day when he saw Gilli running around with errands assigned to him by Gaius.

"Gaius says he's doing well," Merlin told him.

"I'm not asking Gaius," said Arthur a little bit grumpily. "I'm asking you."

"I think he's better than I was at the beginning," Merlin admitted. "I'm proud of him."

Arthur didn't seem content after hearing the answer but he nodded lightly.

"You don't seem to like Gilli," Merlin pointed out suddenly. "Why?"

"I need time to trust a man," Arthur replied simply. "That's all."

"If you say so."

Arthur knew that he didn't convince Merlin at all. He sighed inwardly, as he barely understood himself these days. Gilli seemed like a good fellow but there was something annoying about him that Arthur didn't understand. He needed time to get used to it.

oOoOo

"The king doesn't like me," said Gilli a few hours later when he and Merlin were having a break from their daily activities.

"He needs to get to know you first," Merlin told him. "He hated me when he met me for the first time. You should have seen him then..."

Gilli gave him a pointed look. "This is different," he simply said.

"Different how?"

Gilli shook his head in disbelief. "The king is jealous. He thinks I'm stealing your precious time. The time that he could spend with you."

Merlin laughed a bit. "Don't be ridiculous," he said. "Arthur is a king. He doesn't perceive the world in such a petty way."

"He is a king but he's also a man and men have weaknesses," Gilli pointed out. "You are one of his weaknesses, Merlin."

"It's not funny, Gilli."

"I'm not trying to be funny." He sighed. "This is how I see it."

"And what exactly do you see?" Merlin asked. He didn't like the way this conversation was going. He couldn't think of himself as Arthur's weakness. That was ridiculous and dangerous.

"He's grumpy when I'm around you," he said. "He watches me all the time. I can feel his eyes on me, especially when you stand by my side."

"What are you suggesting?"

"That he's jealous," Gilli repeated himself and took a deep breath. "I don't know why he sees me as a threat but he does. He thinks I'm stealing you... your friendship... How much time have you been spending with the king recently? Less than before, I assume."

"That's not it," Merlin told him. "Arthur is a great king and even a greater man. I'm proud of the man he's become. He was mean and arrogant when I first met him but soon I saw the better side of him. Don't understand me wrongly. He can still act like a prat. Especially if he's suspicious of someone, and I can see that he doesn't trust you yet. He needs more time."

"He doesn't want to try to trust me," Gilli told him. "He won't trust me as long as he thinks I'm taking you away from him. You need to make him see that I'm not a threat. I can't do this."

Merlin only shook his head. "This is ridiculous. Sometimes Arthur reveals his prattish side. That's it. There's nothing deep about it."

"Of course there is." Gilli sighed. "You just refuse to see it but I won't insist."

"Thank you."

"There's no point at the moment," Gilli mumbled but Merlin didn't hear it.

oOoOo

A few weeks went by since the plague and Merlin noticed a huge change in the way people of Camelot treated him. At first, he only noticed that more of them greeted him sincerely which reminded him of the times when he'd been a serving boy. It was a nice change but the real surprise came afterwards. One day, one of the guards knocked on the doors of his chamber and asked him for an advice and help. The guard didn't cringe when Merlin suggested a solution which involved his magic. He even seemed relieved that the solution was so simple. Merlin just couldn't believe it.

This guard, however, wasn't the only person who decided to seek Merlin's help. More people came and knocked on his door, when they heard that the Court Sorcerer was willing to use his magic to solve the problems of Camelot's citizens.

"This is perfect," said Arthur when he heard the news one evening. Once again he and Merlin shared their last meal of the day together. Recently, they didn't have much time to talk quietly during the day.

"It's almost too good to be true," Merlin admitted. "I'm not sure what to think."

"You should be celebrating this success," Arthur told him. "That's an order of your king," he added teasingly.

"If it keeps going like this, I'm not sure I'll find time to help all of them," Merlin pointed out. "Perhaps we should invite more sorcerers to the court of Camelot."

Arthur frowned lightly.

"You don't like this idea?" Merlin asked him, worryingly. "That's just a suggestion for the future. I'm not talking about here and now."

"We'll talk about it when the help is needed," the king said decisively.

"Of course," Merlin agreed. "For now I can always consult with Gaius and Gilli. I'm sure they'll be glad to help."

"Gilli should focus on learning how to become a physician," Arthur said hastily. Too hastily.

Merlin looked at his friend steadily. "You have some problem with Gilli," he pointed out. "Why are you a prat towards him?"

"Not wanting to burden him with additional tasks, you call being a prat," murmured Arthur. "I don't really understand your logic, Merlin."

"That's not what I meant," he said. "You are a bit hostile towards him. I know you, Arthur, and I know that you don't always make the best first impression but it's been weeks and you're still the same around Gilli. Why?"

"I'm not hostile," Arthur denied firmly. "I just don't know him well and I don't feel a need to become his friend. I'm the king, Merlin. I can't let all my people be as insufferable around me as you are."

Merlin snorted. "I'm not insufferable and I'm not expecting you to become Gilli's friend," he said. "But you could be decent towards him. He starts having some really bizarre ideas."

"What ideas?"

"Go and ask him if you're curious," said Merlin. "I won't repeat this nonsense."

Arthur didn't look content with his answer but didn't elaborate it further. Merlin was certain that he would not go and ask Gilli about it. Arthur was too proud to do that.

"I'm not angry with you," said Merlin after a longer while of complete silence. "I just don't like when you're suspicious of people who don't deserve it and when you're a prat because of that."

"I'm not a prat," Arthur mumbled. "I'm just trying to do what's best for the kingdom."

"You do it in a very twisted way, then," Merlin told him jokingly and nudged him to lighten the atmosphere.

Arthur didn't want to smile at that but couldn't help himself. Merlin had this effect on him and there was nothing he could do to change that.

"I only do what I think is right," said Arthur.

"I never doubted it." Merlin smiled at him lightly. "Just promise me to be more thoughtful. Don't be mean to Gilli if he doesn't deserve it. You know that he works very hard to help Gaius."

"I never said he doesn't." Arthur sighed. "The truth is that no matter what, there are people we connect with instantly or those we learn to like and respect in time." He looked at Merlin knowingly, saying that. "There are also people with whom we can't find this connection, no matter what. They can even be decent people but there's something about them that we just can't stand. I think this is me and Gilli."

Merlin shook his head slightly. "Did you try at least?" he asked.

"We won't become good friends but I can try to be decent to him," Arthur promised finally.

"Thank you."

Merlin beamed at him and Arthur could swear that his smile brightened up the entire room.

oOoOo

Arthur tried to be decent to Gilli and he almost managed to achieve it. Merlin could see how much effort he was putting into his interactions with Gilli. It wasn't perfect but it was a start.

Merlin hoped that in time it would become more natural and less tiring to each of the parties.

However, he didn't predict one thing. After each interaction with Gilli, Arthur became more and more frustrated. He wasn't showing it in plain sight but the frustration was growing inside him, erupting later, usually in the evenings, and it often resulted in a quick but intense love making with Gwen.

There was no way for Merlin to avoid it and that was a nightmare. Somehow Merlin knew that it was partially his own fault. He wanted Arthur and Gilli to be more civil to each other but it didn't seem to work the way it should.

It was flattering that Arthur was trying to keep his promise but it caused only an increasing frustration inside him. That was not Merlin's intention. He didn't want to watch Arthur's roughness in bed. He only hoped that Gwen didn't mind it too much.

Merlin sighed inwardly. It all was so messed up. He had to, against his will, watch Arthur with another and worry about her well-being.

He bit his lip and suffered in silence. He learned to endure the physical pain but the emotional one was another story. Perhaps in time, it would become less poignant.

oOoOo

The next morning, Gilli brought him some of the books that Gaius found in his quarters and which would be more useful to him than to the old man.

"Thank you, Gilli," said Merlin politely, but the lack of enthusiasm in his voice was evident.

Gilli looked him from head to toe and frowned a bit.

"You don't look well," he said straight away.

"I sometimes have trouble with sleeping," Merlin told him dismissively. "I have a lot of things to think about. That's all."

"You should worry a little bit more about your own condition," said Gilli wisely.

"You sound like Gaius," muttered Merlin.

"That's because he's a physician and he knows best and I'm learning from him." Gilli sent him a small smile. "I'm serious, though. If you want to be useful for this kingdom, you need to have a good sleep."

"I'll try." Merlin didn't add that it didn't depend on him. He needed to find a way to mask his exhaustion. Perhaps there was a recipe in all of his books for a tonic that could solve this little problem.

"I'll keep an eye on you and tell the king if necessary," he warned him teasingly.

"He won't listen to you," mumbled Merlin. "You were right. He's not very fond of you."

"He'll listen if it concerns you," Gilli said confidently.

"Perhaps that's the way for the two of you to get on," said Merlin. "Perhaps I should make you worry about me."

"Merlin." Gilli sighed. "I have nothing against the king. It's him who doesn't want to get on with me."

Merlin knew it was true but decided to change the topic.

"I believe that some people of Camelot start to come around the idea that magic can be useful in a positive way," he said quietly.

"That's good." Gilli smiled at him encouragingly. "I knew that they would learn it sooner or later."

"Arthur is also excited about it but I can't," Merlin admitted finally.

"Why?"

Merlin looked at his friend seriously. "You've been here just a few weeks so you don't know what happened before. Not every member of Arthur's Council is happy about the legitimate return of magic to the kingdom."

"That's understandable," said Gilli. "Magic has been banned in Camelot for years and some of them experienced only the dark side of magic. They need more time."

"That's not just it," said Merlin sadly. "There is a Lord named Sir Lamorak. He hates the idea and opposes the new laws as much as he can. He conspires against Arthur and wants to undermine Arthur's authority."

"He won't succeed," Gilli tried to console him. "You said yourself that more and more people are keen on giving magic a chance. That must mean something."

"It means a lot but it doesn't concern all people." Merlin bit his lower lip, a bit resigned. "I shouldn't burden you with my problems."

"I don't mind." Gilli put his arm on Merlin's shoulder. "Your problems concern this whole kingdom. You're not in this on your own. You are supported by many people. More than you think. You must remember about it."

Merlin was a bit touched by his words but he only nodded slightly as a confirmation that he understood.

"Thank you, Gilli," he said quietly.

At this moment someone knocked on the door urgently and opened it, not waiting for invitation.

"Merlin! You were supposed to meet me at..." Arthur started saying as soon as the doors burst open but he fell silent the moment he noticed Gilli.

"My Lord," the boy greeted him with a short nod.

"I think I lost the sense of time," said Merlin apologetically.

"I think that's my fault," Gilli spoke up. "I took too much of Merlin's time. My sincere apologies, Sire."

Arthur looked at him coldly but didn't say anything out loud.

Then Gilli turned his attention back to Merlin. "Thank you for your time."

Merlin wanted to reply that it was him who should thank Gilli for his friendship and patience but he refrained himself, seeing the expression on Arthur's face. In the meantime, Gilli passed by Arthur and left the two of them alone.

"I know we were supposed to meet to prepare for tomorrow's Council," said Merlin, breaking the silence that fell between them.

"You must've had your reasons," Arthur said coldly. "Gilli must be a very eager student. He seems to seek not only Gaius' help but also yours."

"It's natural," Merlin replied simply. He wasn't going to explain it all to Arthur. "Gilli occupies my previous position. He has some questions that I can answer."

"Of course," said Arthur. "It's natural."

Merlin didn't like his tone.

"I believe we have work to do," he said in order to change the subject. "There's no need to waste more time."

Arthur agreed with him with a small nod and they both left Merlin's chamber. It was going to be a long day for both of them and not only because of the work that they'd planned.

In the evening, Arthur vented his emotions that were pent up during the day and Merlin once again had to witness the frantic love making of Gwen and Arthur. All that Merlin wanted was one quiet evening and night to finally have a decent rest. Unfortunately, he didn't expect to have it in the nearest future.

He couldn't help the frustration that was growing inside him but he knew that he couldn't seek any relief himself. At least not in the way Arthur was apparently finding it.

They were two sides of the same coin but they were different and certain things weren't meant to be. Not for both of them.