Hello! I know it's been way, way too long since I last updated. I am so sorry! I understand that infrequent updates break the flow of the story but life has been difficult lately. So here's also a small recap for you to brush up your memory. I'll be glad if anyone of my previous readers are still reading it.
Now, something about the chapter. This chapter (and the next three ones for that matter) are framed in 1991. So technically they may be flashbacks but please bear in mind that they are not a part of the story but they make the story. These chapter will tell us about their relationship and what lead to the abrupt end to the said relationship. This may seem weird to you, breaking the timeline of 1995 and now continuing in 1991, but this was a style I wanted to try. Also, I have my next few chapters written so you'll have to read something for a while. I also hope that you'll review.
Here's the recap:
Remus and Tonks dated back in 1991 but he left without informing Tonks of his departure, leaving her in turmoil for years. They meet again in 1995 during the first meeting of second Order. Tonks is hostile towards him initially (which breaks Remus) but then makes a compromise and befriends him again so suspicion is not raised among fellow Order members and they can work without any awkwardness. Sirius knows about Remus & Tonks's situation; also Emmeline harbours a little crush on Remus about which Tonks is aware.
Remus and Tonks are sent on a mission for two days (due to meddling from Sirius and Dumbledore). Unfortunately, Tonks gets bitten by Remus. Just kidding! She's bitten by a runespoor, a three headed and poisonous snake, leaving Remus in panic and frenzy. Some quick thinking on Remus's part saves her and he eventually confesses to her (while she is semi conscious) that he had loved her all along and still loves her all the same. He vows to make things right between them. However, when Tonks wakes up she doesn't remember Remus's words and he backtracks. Again.
Remus's mind is in all chaos as he finds it harder to remain away from Tonks, especially when he realizes how other men appreciate her.
Tonks agrees to attend a high class party with Hestia when she learns all her favorite celebrities will be present at the party. Remus overhears their conversation and is not happy to realize that sooner or later he'll lose Tonks completely.
Now to the chapter.
Thanks to Yoshishisha for beta and Stars May Fall for some valuable additions.
At the end, Harry Potter series belongs to J K Rowling
Late August 1991
"How is it looking?" Tonks gushed, almost bouncing back and forth on the balls of her feet in her excitement.
"It looks..." Remus started, searching for right words.
She deflated suddenly and sighed heavily. "Empty. I know."
"No, silly, not empty. It looks new and exquisite. I especially like the contrast between the walls and curtains. I am sure once you start living in, it will look uniquely Tonk-ish..." Remus assured her smilingly.
"We, Remus, we. Once we start living in it."
Currently Remus stood next to his pink and mauve haired girlfriend of about one month in the living room of her new flat. She had finally moved in today. Though he hadn't been there to help her in the moving process as he had promised earlier (for obvious reasons as her parents had been here and they both had agreed that Remus wasn't yet ready to meet them. Though he he'd had to do persuade her a bit on the issue), he had come over as soon as her parents had left.
Tonks had rescheduled her moving solely for him because, for the past five days, he had been sleeping on a conjured mattress in the living room of the empty flat - something that hadn't bothered him in the slightest, but had worried her to no end. 'I don't want you to be alone' she had said and he had refrained from replying that loneliness wasn't a new concept for him.
"Are... You sure you really want me to live here...with you?" He turned away from his scrutiny of the walls to face her, not failing to notice that the color of the walls and her hair matched. Although it was yet to be confirmed if she had matched her hair to the walls or if she had charmed the walls to match her hair.
She sighed and he sensed that she was getting more than a little agitated.
"Remus this is the sixteenth time you have asked me the same question and just for our sake, I will abstain myself from replying to avoid a fight which I can practically feel bubbling in case we do continue this conversation."
"Bubbling?" He said slightly amused as he held her shoulders with his hands.
"Yeah like a potion bubbles in a cauldron if it's done right, just ready and about to boil out of said cauldron..."
He pulled her forward so that the last of her words were muffled by his jumper. "Okay well... I won't say anything that might bubble a fight between us..."
She chuckled at his statement. This only increased the lightened mood between them.
"So what do you think about the sofa?"
She pulled away and looked at the furniture mentioned with adoration. Had it not been a piece of furniture, he would have been incredibly troubled at the hankering look in her eyes. She had been going on about the sofa ever since she had seen it in on display at an antique shop and had worried herself sick thinking that it might be sold out before she could get her hands on it.
And he could see why.
The sofa was clearly the most luxurious thing he had ever seen in his life. It was a forest green color and was as big as a trundle bed. The woodwork was classic- brown and well polished, while the velvety fabric completed the majestic look. Chef-d'oeuvre was the only word that came to his mind every time he saw the thing.
He knew that it must have cost a fortune. But that hadn't troubled Tonks. By now he had gathered that Andromeda and Ted were decently rich if not filthy rich like most of the Blacks. Not that Tonks ever took pride in it, she rarely mentioned it, but she had let slip a few things here and there that had given him a general idea. Tonks had clearly been one of those children who got what they wanted before they even said a word about it. She had been and still was pampered by her parents but she wasn't snobbish because of it. Yet deep down he knew he had a lot to compete with.
"Are you sure it's a sofa? It's almost a bed… I am pretty sure that two hundred kids like James could be accommodated on that monstrous thing."
"Don't say a thing against the sofa Remus, I won't have it." She mock-glared at him. "Besides, there isn't much else here right now. In my bedroom there's a bed, my dressing table and a wardrobe. And I nicked some kitchen utensils from Mum. For the rest, I want to fill this place with stuff bought with my own money, but I know that will take minimum of three years."
She took hold of his hand and led him to the sofa. They sat down together and he immediately sank into the soft silky warmth. He almost felt like he would bounce back if he threw himself at it. At least he wouldn't have to sleep on a conjured mattress anymore and this was by far the most comfortable thing he had ever slept upon. However, if he was going to tell the truth, he didn't have much to compare it with as his past beds had comprised of park benches, sturdy floors, lumpy mattresses, etc.
"-and I want to buy a few pots of plants for the balcony and I have some photographs that I could decorate the shelves with-" She was still speaking while he was busy inspecting the equally soft and velvety cushions.
"-And I want to take a picture of us and I'll place it right there in the centre of the-"
"Are you sure that's wise?" He interrupted.
She huffed. "Right! My parents might see it here when they visit. In that case I am going to keep it on my bedside table. And by the way, the underside of my bed is large enough for you to hide when my parents visit..." She rolled her eyes and huffed a little more.
"Er... I am sorry for being such a difficult boy-" He felt weird in saying boyfriend, given his age and her age, "-companion..." He finished lamely and she burst out laughing.
"Companion is the best you can come up with?"
"No, but seriously... I am sorry that I am complicating things for you-"
"Hush up, Remus. You need time and that is fine by me. I mean…a relationship is for two and I am not going to force you in to something you don't want right now... Not yet anyway..." She finished with a teasing glint in her eyes and a flirtatious smile.
"So..." He snuggled more into the sofa. "Are you staying here from now onwards?" He peered into her eyes through his fringe.
"It would seem so..."
Butterflies erupted in Remus's stomach which was a frequent occurrence these days. Though he often chided himself because he should have been way past the age of butterflies in the tummy scenario. To tell the truth, he was a little nervous. A little bit more than nervous.
He had never shared a place with a female before (his mother didn't count); a female who had come to mean a great deal to him in such a short amount of time. He keep feeling an underlying excitement and he would often find that he was grinning like a madman whenever he thought about what it would be like to wake up to her calling his name or him waking her up, preparing food for each other, seeing each other continuously.
On the other hand he felt apprehensive about things like what if she was a difficult person to live with or what if she found him a difficult person to live with. Their relationship was new and tender, and there was no denying that they had rushed into it. He would hate if anything destroyed the new found sweetness of their relationship.
"It's going to be fun."
"It's not a sport Mr. Lupin."
"Oh, but I do think that living with you is going to be nothing short of a sport."
She swatted him playfully on the arm and muttered 'git.'
"Come here..." He said, not that she was too far away as it was. But he wanted her closer. He pulled her forward, pressing his lips to hers. She sighed into his mouth; one of her hands crept into his hair while the other stayed lightly on the nape of his neck.
He never got tired of kissing her; it was an exhilarating experience each time. Her lips and tongue worked magic while her fragile hands left a tingly trail behind them wherever they explored. His stomach swooned up and down like a roller coaster. More than anything else though, his heart soared; soared at the thought that such a beautiful and normal witch wanted a mediocre man like him.
He encircled her waist and pulled her tighter into him, leaving no distance in-between their bodies. As he did, he could feel her curves against the entire length of his body. His thumb stroked her jaw while his other hand remained buried in the depths of her hair. Beneath his fingers he could felt it grow.
He pulled away slightly, not to wander far, but to place lavish kisses on the pale expanse of her neck. She gave the barest of moans and he pulled away.
So many places to kiss and so little time...
He looked in to her overly bright eyes with his own (Which were heavy lidded with lust). "Your hair grew..." He whispered, running a tentative hand over her now waist length hair which was still in its combination of pink and mauve.
"I tend to lose my morph when... I am distracted enough… or too excited."
He grinned. "I make you lose your morph?"
She pressed a kiss to his jaw. "What makes you think it is you? And here I thought it was this absolutely heavenly sofa that was leading me astray..."
He chuckled and kissed her lips chastely one last time before pulling away. Immediately he wanted to pull her back and he wondered not for first time how the hell was he going to control himself around her all the time.
Probably not at all. But that thought did not scare him as much as it probably should have.
"What are we eating tonight?" He questioned.
"Each other?" She suggested, that is if it could be called a suggestion.
He let out a puff of amusement. "I am afraid I am not that tasty..."
She screwed her face in mock consideration. "Oh, but I beg to differ..."
She pulled him towards her and peppered his mouth with kisses.
It was only after a long long time that they managed to drag themselves into the kitchen where she admitted that she was a tad reluctant to cook, as she hadn't really cooked anything in her life before. In consequence, she was afraid that she'd turn her new flat into shambles if she did try. That or possibly set it on fire.
"But there must be something you can make?" He questioned as he went through the groceries that Andromeda had stuffed into the kitchen for her daughter, worried that she was going to starve herself to death.
"I can make a fool out of someone."
He raised his eyebrows sardonically.
"Uh... I know how to make... Tea..." He hid his smile behind a canister. "I know, well I have been known to assemble bread and butter together in the past... I can make pancake batter but I can't really cook it without burning it or something and... Oh yes I can boil noodles and… yeah I can chop vegetables and stuff..."
"Stuff...?"
"Yeah like my fingers..."
He winced. "Let's not take that quip about eating each other thing too seriously now… And that is actually a long list of things you can do, you know."
"Don't mock me Mr. Master Chef Lupin." She pointed a finger at him accusingly.
"I am not mocking, not really. I mean…when I lived with my parents, I barely knew what the kitchen was. It wasn't until I started living on my own, that I learned anything."
"Oh but I'm not on my own…you're with me."
"And here I thought you invited me to live with you because you loved me. Not for my cooking skills." He sighed in mock hurt.
"Ah, but I am afraid you made assumptions too quickly. You are here solely for your culinary skills. So on that note, what exactly can you cook?"
"Hmmm..." He leant up against the counter and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Looking at the ceiling in thought he started ticking off the items he knew he could make. "Ham sandwiches, sausages, fried eggs, beef casserole, black pudding, pasties, lamb chops, roast chicken, shepherd's pie, steak and kidney pie, stew..." He thought he distinctly heard her gasping in amazement and he tried to stop his mouth from twitching into a smile. "...then there's usual stuff that includes potatoes and sprouts...and your muggle dishes such as noodles, pasta, etc..."
"Etc?" She gaped at him with wide eyed wonder. "There's more?!"
"Well yes... I do know how to cook these things… not that I ever had much money to buy the ingredients to improve my cooking..."
For a moment her expression faltered and he instantly regretted bringing up his poverty but then that look of wonder was back again on her face, "But you know enough to start your own god damn restaurant!"
"Oh I did have my own food stall for a short time in muggle London..."
"Really?"
"No." He chuckled at the look of indignation that crossed on her face.
She swatted him on the arm and he winced. She already had the hands of Auror and she hit like one.
"So Mr. Master Chef Lupin what are we going to make today?"
"Well you did say you could boil noodles and chop vegetables so let's begin with that!"
They started with gathering vegetables and other ingredients on to the table. Bless Andromeda, that woman had stocked up the whole kitchen with all kinds of utilities. They sat at the small kitchen table together to chop the vegetables first. In the time that Remus had chopped up two carrots, Tonks was still on her first one. Sensing her disappointment at not being much help, he slowed down to match her careful speed.
It was so surreal for him; sitting with his girlfriend (Merlin girlfriend, when was the last time he had a girlfriend?) doing such a routine task as cutting vegetables and chatting amiably. Throughout his life he had craved normality, but somewhere along the line he had given up hope. Yet he was here, doing something so normal.
Once they had all the things ready, they started doing the actual cooking: and he allowed her to help more and she did so enthusiastically. Though she was a bit messy and little clumsy, (Okay a lot clumsy), she did fine. When she stumbled for the third time and he caught her around the waist, he said simply:
"See? Living with you is a sport."
"It's good isn't it? Your lazy muscles will work out every time you catch me." She replied while brushing off her hands on her jeans.
After about an hour of work, they had their noodles ready.
Later when the dinner was over and dishes were cleared, Tonks stood awkwardly in the drawing room, fidgeting as she looked around as if seeing the place for first time while he unnecessarily fluffed the cushions of the sofa.
"You don't mind me expanding your sofa a bit, do you?" He asked imploringly, carefully broaching the subject of their sleeping arrangements.
"I can sleep here instead; the sofa will fit my frame without any magic." She spoke finally looking at him as she slipped out of her slippers.
"Don't you trust my expanding charms? Or do you fear that I'll spoil your precious sofa?"
She rolled her eyes and flopped down on to said precious sofa. "It's my household skills that will cause damage to this place not yours. I can guarantee that you'll figure that out in no time."
He sat down next to her and abandoned the cushions. They were already fluffy enough as it was.
"Go to sleep. I am perfectly fine. I was sleeping on that mattress before. This is way too comfortable by comparison." He spoke softly. He knew sharing a bed, even if to just sleep would be way too forward in their already overly accelerating relationship.
She sighed, not arguing. He knew no matter what she said, she would have been a tad uncomfortable as well. "I'll turn in then. Wake me up if you need something."
He urged her forward with his hand on her shoulder and placed a sweet kiss on her lips.
"Good night." He said with a giddy smile on his face. He had suddenly realized that after years alone, he wouldn't be sleeping alone in a house. Even if she would be in the next room, her presence meant a lot to him.
He snuggled further into his blankets with his eyes closed as his extremely sluggish mind dimly appreciated the warmth and softness that surrounded him. It wasn't a normal occurrence after all. He might even have sighed contentedly as his ever aching muscles felt into a state of complete relaxation.
He pulled the cushion he was clutching more snugly into his chest, and bent down to bury his head into it. It was very warm and feathery and... Hairy?
Blinking sleep from his eyes, he opened them and looked down. His nose was buried in a pink mass of fluff.
Had he been eating candy floss and had fallen asleep with it?
The said candy floss moved and curled deeper into the covers, touching him in ways that woke him up faster than a bucket of icy water would have.
Looking around, his dim mind registered where he was and with whom he was. The room was flooded with light filtering from the curtains and he guessed that it was morning. Apparently, at some point, Tonks had crept in to his sleeping vicinity, sneakily since she hadn't woken him up. He smiled at the mental image of Tonks tip toeing quietly, being extra careful to not to trip, sliding the blankets slowly away from him and settling in the niche created. Surely her own bed must have been more comfortable, no matter how fond of the sofa she had been?
He closed his eyes and kissed the crown of her head affectionately, silently thanking the gods for her love and attention.
He pressed his cheek to her head, completely intending to sleep again, but frowned when he saw her shoe- clad feet dangling over the arm of the sofa. Had she meant to go somewhere?
He pulled the purple blankets slightly and looked at her face for the first time that morning. Again he was struck by a warm comprehension that it had been years, years since he had seen someone else's face other than his, first thing in the morning.
She seemed completely asleep.
He leveled down to her without jostling much and for a moment just started at her.
Unaware of the serene smile playing on his face, he tickled her beneath the chin with his fingers.
He stifled a laugh when she squirmed and giggled in sleep, letting out a puff of air against his neck. Thoroughly enjoying her reaction, he tickled at the same place with a little more vigor which led to her shrieking and completely waking up.
" 's that?" She mumbled peering around her while blearily blinking her eyes.
"This." He simply said and tickled her again though this time she slapped away his hand, going back to placing her head in the crook of his arm.
"Silly immature man." She murmured into his t-shirt.
"I am immature?" He spoke up, indignation lightning on his face. "You are the one sleeping with shoes on, invading my already congested sleeping space and I am immature!"
"I went jogging." Her words were muffled as she placed her face deeper into his chest that it took him a few seconds to comprehend their meaning.
"Jogging...? You go jogging? I didn't peg you as the jogging type." He replied in surprise.
"Then clearly you are a fool!" She spoke with such conviction that he chuckled. "I am going to become an Auror, it requires good physical strength and workout. It's like a...necessity for me to run."
"I just thought that… you would be a late sleeper while I would be the early riser here. It's- what time is it- eight in the morning and I have not managed to get up yet while you have been out jogging and back. Obviously, it is the other way round from what I expected." He said while urging her upwards so that their faces were on the same level.
"I woke up at five."
"We clearly have so much to learn... about each other." That was true, over the course of more time, they would get to know everything about each other... annoying habits and all… but he just hoped (prayed really) that she would never regret living with or loving a werewolf. That was something he greatly feared: that with the passage of time she'd realize what it really meant to live with a werewolf.
"Hmmm... we do. You should come with me. Jogging I mean." She said while playing with the hair that on his temple.
"I- er I don't think I'll be able to keep up with you... with full moons and all..." He mumbled.
She went still for a moment and then started her movements again. "We clearly have so much to learn about each other." She repeated his earlier words. "I think you should make some tea."
He raised his eyebrows. "Aren't you bossy today?"
"Nuh uh... and pancakes too..."
"Anything else?"
"...with blueberry sauce."
"I am beginning to again question your motives of asking me to stay here."
She giggled- a girlish, sweet laugh. "Yes, I wanted a care taker and you were the most… eligible one. And I won't have to pay you anything, so..."
"Who says you will not have to pay me anything." He raised his head on his elbow, towering over her. "I demand my fees in kisses... lots of kis-"
Before he could finish the sentence, she had pulled his head forward and joined his lips with hers in a lingering kiss. "Good morning..." She whispered against his lips. "It's so good to wake up next to you."
He smiled tenderly at her, whole heartedly agreeing with her statement.
"You know... I-" He searched for words to thank her, to express his gratitude, to express how really happy such a simple thing as waking up next to her was making him and above all he wanted to thank her for being in his life. In such a short span of time, she had come to mean so much to him. But he couldn't find the right words.
So he settled on a simple thank you and hoped that she would understand what he had left unsaid.
She smiled softly, her eyes signaling him that she understood him perfectly.
September 5, 1991
"Remus, stop fidgeting! This is not an interview!" Tonks laughed lightly as he for the thousandth time shifted in his seat and adjusted his collar.
"I- it's just... it's been so long since I have been to... such a formal place..." He sighed as he brought his hands back to the top of the table.
"There's nothing formal about this place, it's just a normal restaurant." She assured him.
"The-the couple over there-" he gestured with his eyes to a middle-aged couple sitting adjacent to them. "-they are dressed so... traditionally. I mean everyone here is in a suit or a dress or something. Of course it's formal. Even you are dressed properly." She was wearing a simple and elegant looking blue skirt with white top and... She looked gorgeous. "I am wearing just a shirt-" Frayed and grayed shirt, he added in his mind.
"-and trousers. You are wearing trousers too."
"Well thank god I have my trousers on." He rolled his eyes at her comment. She chuckled.
"It's really making you uncomfortable, isn't it?" Her face fell suddenly and she continued dejectedly. "See, I knew I would mess up when you said to choose the venue for the date."
His hand immediately inched forward and caught hold of her smaller one. "No, no I am sorry for-" for being an asshole and unappreciative git "-behaving like an idiot. The place is lovely, it's just people over here that are making me nervous as if I am not up to their standards."
It was true that place was lovely; it was muggle restaurant that she had selected and for that he was grateful because he still had his reservations about Dora being seen with a werewolf (even though it was not a known fact) in public. The place had dim lighting giving it a romantic aura even if he had to strain his eyes a little to read the menu. A soft melody played somewhere in the background, completing the cliché atmosphere of a candle light dinner. What he loved the most though was the way the lights casted her features into a soft relief. As if she was the muse of some artist. Her edges blurred into gentle fuzzy impressions.
"Screw their standards. You are better than- higher than my standards and that's what matters." She said so seriously and earnestly that he suddenly had the strangest urge to kiss and pinch her cheeks in adoration.
"Yes... I am sorry, I didn't mean to imply that I am not enjoying this... you are with me and that's what matters most. I-I guess I am just not used to feeling like an average, normal man..." He successfully concealed his bitterness from his tone.
Lycanthropy was second nature to him now. It didn't just govern him on full moons, but it also affected his routine life. His shy and reserved nature, low self esteem, could all be credited to the fact that he was a lycanthrope. He had been werewolf for so long, that he couldn't remember what life had been like before he had been bitten. What a carefree life without countless worries could feel like.
"Thank god you are not an average, normal man. I have seen what so called normal men are like. I am more than happy the way you are." She smiled at him and softly grazed his knuckles with her thumb.
Well... the problem of his low self esteem could possibly be cured rather quickly if she kept talking about him like that. She was good for his ego...
"We can go if you want? I'll just cancel our order-"
"No." He said hastily. "I want to stay here. Besides we are celebrating your performance on your exam remember?" Today Dora had attended her written entrance Auror exam, and surprisingly for her, but not him (He knew she would do wonderfully) it had gone exceptionally well. She had been studying so extraordinarily hard for the past few days that even being in the same house he had missed her dearly and had felt as if he too was attending the exam, not just her. He had helped her revise transfiguration and DADA (Because even years later, they were still his strongest subjects). At times, when she had studied until the early hours of the morning, he had stayed up with her, making cups of coffee or hot chocolate or something for them to munch on; causing her to comment often that she had no clue what she would have done without him. Overall he was glad that her written exam was over with and her hard work had paid off, though she was still nervous about the results which would be arriving via owl on September the tenth.
She beamed. "I can't wait to become a trainee!" She squealed excitedly drawing the attention of few people to them, but he paid them no mind.
After some time, their food arrived (which was scrumptious) and they chatted happily over their now favorite dishes. She hadn't had anything for lunch due to her exam and he too had barely eaten so both of them were starving. Therefore the combination of food and his girlfriend was all he needed at that moment.
Later, the waiter cleared their table and placed the bill in front of them. But before he could even look at the paper, Tonks had snatched it away from his sight.
As she read the bill, her hand dived in her wallet.
"What do you think you are doing?" He interjected and took out his wallet as well. He wasn't going to let her pay on their first dinner date and especially when they were celebrating her success. He just hoped he had enough money.
"Don't be silly, it's my treat. I need to thank you for the efforts you put in and for all your help." She said adamantly.
"Dora-" He snatched the bill and did a double take on the figures. "I-" The amount looked to be a bit too much-at least to him it did- maybe because he was poor and everything (including cheap stuff) seemed expensive to him.
"I'll contribute..." He finished lamely. The amount he had in his wallet would pay half of the bill. And though he was giving up the amount that he would normally spend in a month, he wouldn't have it other way. What sort of man would let his woman pay when it was supposed to be a dinner as a treat of her first success? He was ashamed that he was incapable of paying the whole amount as it was.
He had no proper clothes, he was uncomfortable in public places and he barely had money to pay for their food. What was Dora getting herself into?
The knowledge of what she was indeed getting into by involving herself with him, was making him more miserable with each passing second of the clock.
"Remus." She prompted him to look up but he kept fumbling with his wallet as if he was expecting more money to appear by magic. "Remus, look at me."
He looked up though he had hard time looking straight into her eyes. She had guessed his predicament. Darn it.
"It's my treat." She spoke softly and clearly. "You helped me with so much; it wouldn't have been possible without you. And I am not saying that just to please you. I really mean it and before we had even came here, I had decided that I'll pay this time." She was treading so carefully, he could see her mind working furiously to say things that would not hurt his pride.
She shouldn't be doing this. She was just eighteen; she shouldn't have to think about framing her words carefully so that her impoverished, overly sensitive boyfriend wouldn't get stung.
"I am sorry... I didn't realize I ate so much." He mumbled and was aware of the blush coloring his ears.
"Remus, no…" She shook her head vehemently. "Don't say that. You are hurting me by saying that. Please. Please don't over analyze this." She pleaded.
He sighed and smiled tersely. "Okay. Okay... but I'll... we'll have that ice cream from that ice cream stand- your favorite place in muggle London and it's on me." Outside he tried to look cheerful but inside his stomach kept twisting in knots thinking that all he could afford for his Precious was some cheap ice cream.
She grinned and leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on his lips. "I love you so much."
She paid along with a small tip for the waiter and then they walked out of the restaurant, hand in hand.
He knew she was silently berating herself for not thinking this through, though he didn't blame her, not in the slightest. He felt worse thinking that she was reprimanding herself for his inability. She tried to engage him in a mindless conversation while his arm found its now familiar place on her waist and he tried to take comfort in her kisses and touches.
That practical incident was the first blow for him.
September 20, 1991
Remus was on his way back home from work ( That is if it can be called work). Ever since Dora's training had started (and it had only been five days) he had been awfully glad for the longer shifts. He easily got bored without her even though they had only been together for just a few months, she was already an intricate part of his life and he couldn't remember what it was like without her.
Truthfully, his dependence on her scared him a bit.
She went off in the morning by nine and was usually back by six. He knew she felt tired after her long work days.
But she was never tired enough that she didn't cuddle with him and spend the remaining of her waking time with him.
When she wasn't there, he preferred not being at home either. One of the reasons was that the place looked really empty without her and second reason was that he had no clue what he would do if one of her friends or her family knocked on the door. How he could he explain to them who he was and what he was doing there when Tonks was clearly not at home. … And he didn't want to be mistaken as a burglar by Dora's parents.
So he would spend his free time at the store he was appointed at or at the orphanage. He always made sure that he would reach home by five thirty though so he could cook up something decent. After dinner, if she wasn't too tired they would go for a stroll or for ice cream.
As he left his thoughts, it was to find that he had reached their flat. So he quickly used his key to open the door.
He almost gave a startled yelp when he saw that Tonks was already lying on the sofa still in her uniform.
"I could have hexed you! I thought you were an intruder! "
On seeing him, Tonks bounded back from the sofa and met him halfway to greet him. "You're late." She said instead as she hugged him.
"No, you are early." He said as he pulled away and made a beeline for the kitchen. "And I haven't prepared anything yet."
She followed him and took off her outer robes. "Remus it's not your duty to cook, you can wait for me and I'll help you. At least this way I'll be able to learn a thing or two about cooking. "
When he said nothing in reply, but just smiled in dismissal, she took the kettle from his hands and put the water on to boil.
"I don't like this Remus." She started quietly. "I didn't ask you to stay here with me so that you can take care of this place or of me for that matter. I asked you because I love you and I love your company..."
"Dora. I like cooking for you. I never doubted your intentions. Cooking for you makes me happy; cooking makes me happy in general. I never really got the chance before and now I don't want to miss it."
She sighed. "You are the type of daughter my mother would have loved to have."
"I would prefer if my culinary skills are not taken as degradation in the level of my masculinity Dora." He rolled his eyes as he tapped his finger on the counter, waiting for the water to boil.
"If it's any concession..." She started, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I think you look very sexy when you cook… for me."
He chuckled and kissed the tip of her nose. "Er... how did you enter by the way?"
"I apparated of course… "
"Can anyone apparate inside?" He questioned with furrowed brows as a rather disturbing thought of Andromeda apparating into the flat while they were...busy...popped into his mind.
"Nope just you and I can apparate directly. Any one else is warded off, including my parents. "She added as if sensing his discomfort.
A warm feeling engulfed his stomach as he thought that Dora had not warded off the flat against him when her friends and family were.
Yet he admonished her lightly as he poured tea in to their cups. "Dora, they are your parents. I don't want you to seclude yourself from them to... hide me."
"I would have done that even if weren't for you-" She took away the small tray from his hand and made a move towards the drawing room. He trailed behind her in case she was to accidentally spill the hot tea on herself. "-I am a grown girl, I don't want them to stumble on me, when I am doing Merlin knows what." She set the tea on the table carefully. Managing to only spill a little amount on to the tray.
"I don't even want to know what you meant by that." He sighed as he finally sat down after a long tiring day. No matter how much he teased Tonks about the sofa, it was sinisterly comfortable. "Why are you early?" He asked suddenly.
She shrugged her shoulders as she took a sip of her tea, sighing contently. "Moody was off on some important Ministry mission and rest of the instructors were busy with finalizing preparations for the ball."
"Ball? What ball?" He asked in confusion. As far as he knew, no festivals were approaching.
"Crap!" She exclaimed, almost spilling her tea in process. "God I was panicked before I arrived here and can you believe that you actually made me forget about that... And that's a real difficult feat because it's almost impossible to distract me when I am panicky... you are really distracting Remus…" She waggled her eyebrows at him while smiling.
"Are you planning on telling me some time today about what you are going on about?" He raised his eyebrows as she snuggled into the crook of his shoulder.
"Ball as in the induction ball. Every year a ball is organized for Auror and MLE trainees... so that you know... they can meet with everyone and all... But the system over there is so disorganized Remus! The ball is the day after tomorrow and they actually had the nerve to tell us today! Imagine that... And when I objected on them being too late, all men and by all men I mean everyone because, you know, there's just one more girl beside me in the training, so- yes all the men looked at me as if I had asked them to inform us a year prior..."
He hid his amusement behind his cup of tea as she continued to prattle on, completely missing the point of why the ball had put her into a panicked state.
She did that sometimes, in fact more than he would ever admit to her. She would often start saying something on one thing and after few moments she would extremely lose the track of the actual conversation and would start talking about something entirely unrelated. Her habit was both the cause of secret amusement and exasperation in him. Once she had started telling him about how lovely his kisses were and then after five minutes somehow the conversation had ended with her talking about a bushy brown haired girl in her third year.
"Precious... "He used the name partly in adoration and partly to bring her attention back to the issue because he knew that she always paid attention when he used that nickname.
"Hmm?" She asked swinging her neck to look at him.
"Why were you panicked because of the ball?"
"Ball? Oh well... it's the day after tomorrow and I have nothing to wear... Shopping today is out of question... only tomorrow remains..."
"I am pretty sure a dress can be organized for you in a day's time Dora. Why don't you tag along with your mother to Madam Malkins?"
She made a face. "Noo... not my mother... She's a bit too fond of lace and anything of a cream-yellowish color. I know she'll try bully me into buying something similar... And no to Madam Malkins as well, they have robes that are way too traditional for my taste. I want to try and find something from a muggle shop."
"Lace is not that bad..." He said quietly as numerous images of her draped in just lace popped into his head. He shook his head to clear the images no matter how pleasant they were... they had been living together for more than twenty days and sometimes it got really hard to control himself around her... images won't help the issue.
"And how do you know that?" She asked pointedly.
"Er... Lily's wedding gown had lace if I remember correctly… and she was a pretty bride."
"Oh..." Her face softened. "I am sure she would have looked beautiful in anything she wore... I remember her face vaguely, but I remember her being very beautiful."
He smiled. "I am sure I have their photographs somewhere... I should show you someday... especially the photographs of their wedding and numerous ones of Harry..." He got a bit lost in the thoughts of his friends. Ever since their death he had barely looked at their photographs. It was too painful. Whenever he would look at their smiling faces in the photos, all he could remember was their deathly pale faces when they were laid to rest. But he didn't want to remember them that way. And with Tonks he hoped to remember them in a happier way.
Tonks rubbed her hand soothingly on his forearm. "I would love that."
Breaking out from his reverie, he looked back at her. "So your mother helping you is out of the question then?"
She nodded her head vigorously.
"Okay... Well, you can take any of your friends or me for that matter. I can at least help you in selecting your dress." He said though he was highly doubtful if he would be able to help at all. He, like most men, was inept at the whole shopping scenario.
She beamed. "I would love that." She started fiddling with his shirt button as she continued. "We'll also need to get some dress robes for you as well, I mean if I don't have ball robes and I am a girl, I am sure you won't have anything either. You don't do you?"
"Wait-" He asked with alarm on his face. "-Why do I need dress robes?"
"You'll be my date of course! We are supposed to bring someone with us so we all can mingle and all you know... Who else will I be taking other than my boyfriend?"
He withdrew slightly from her touch, his mind reeling from the sudden information. "But... I-I-how can I go Dora?" He stuttered.
"On your legs?"
"I can't go Dora! I am sorry." He blurted out, his thoughts racing through all the worse possibilities of her being seen with a werewolf.
She looked taken aback for a moment. She slowly let her hands fall down on her lap. He could see her trying to suppress her hurt and he looked away, not able to meet her eyes.
"Okay... you have got to explain that to me Remus..." She spoke slowly.
"It's not that I won't love- Damn it! I am a werewolf Dora!" He stood suddenly. This was not going to end prettily, he knew it.
"I know that Remus already..."
"Think what impression it will make if you were to march in the Ministry with a werewolf, what will they think? We are not well liked creatures Dora. And for good reason." He turned to look at her, suddenly desperate for her to understand. He couldn't go, he just couldn't. If her association with a werewolf was known to the world, it would destroy her career before it even began and he couldn't bear that, he just couldn't. It was one of his worst fears.
She took a deep breath to control her flaring anger, he could see it as if her every thought was written across her face. "First of all..." She started, vocalizing every word slowly. "You are not a creature, I know werewolves are vastly misunderstood people but I won't allow other's bigoted thoughts to influence my thinking about werewolves in general. Secondly, I don't give a toss what they will think. Thirdly, you are missing out a very important fact that it is not a public knowledge that you are a werewolf. Only selected people know about it."
He admired the way she spoke her reasoning in the order of her priorities. She could have directly mentioned that no one knew about him being a werewolf but she didn't. Instead she first expressed indignation on his behalf. She defended him from himself. It was a small thing to notice but it told him a lot about her broad mindedness. It was one of the things that he cherished so much about her.
"Dora... There are people in the Ministry- my father worked at Ministry- the Greyback incident- there are people at Ministry who might know about it. It was never made public knowledge but one couldn't stop rumors from spreading-"
"Wait sorry to interrupt but that incident you are talking about is twenty five years in the past. I am sure half of the people who knew about it have retired already and those who haven't won't be attending the ball. The ball is only for the Auror and MLE department-"
"Will you let me complete?" He spoke sharply.
She huffed in annoyance, but didn't say anything further.
"And now about the Auror department... the werewolf attacks are dealt with by that department… they have accesses to inside information that people like us don't even know about. And during the first war there were... there were episodes... at least some of them would know for sure that I am a werewolf." He felt distressed and exhausted. Alastor Moody obviously knew he was a werewolf though he also knew Moody couldn't care less. But as he mentioned, during the first war there had been some incidents. To summarize, Moody had to take a few Aurors in confidence to prevent them from carting Remus off to Azkaban.
Dealing with his lycanthropy was way too tiring and sometimes he just felt like giving it up all. He sat down heavily on the sofa and caught her hand in a fierce grip. "Dora, it's not a risk I am willing to take, you are just starting in your work. A work that you have dreamed about and loved all of your life. I don't want to jeopardize your chances now..."
It looked like she was struggling between either getting angry at him or hugging him. Finally though, she did nothing but sigh. "My chances will depend on my capabilities Remus, not on who I am seeing..."
She had no idea what kind of dirty politics was played inside the Ministry, hidden from the public. Capabilities and competencies were second in priority to one's background and power. He decided not to tell her that. He didn't have the heart to break the realities of the Ministry to her, not when she idolized her job so much. Moreover, it was highly unlikely she would get caught in the power play of Ministry, at least until she was not associated with him.
"I don't want to sound patronizing... I know your capabilities will play an important role but... these things matter too love. I am sorry, I just don't think I should come." But what he really meant was that he was not coming with her.
She looked at him with beseeching wide eyes. Not able to bear the shine in them, he looked away. But instead of storming away in anger like he thought she would have at his answer, she threw her arms around his neck, burying her nose in his shoulder.
Taken by surprise he hugged her back as his body relaxed a little that she wasn't too angry. Well not angry enough to walk away, anyway. It was a small relief at least.
Though that relief vanished as he felt something wet on his shoulder, soaking his shirt.
"Dora...?"
"I hate it... I hate this world, I hate its people for being so blind-" She spoke ever so quietly, her voice trembling with tears or compassion, he didn't know. "-for not being able to see for the person you actually are, for thinking badly of you because of something beyond your control." She sniffed.
He closed his eyes and hugged her tighter. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he struggled to reply. He couldn't endure even a single tear in her eyes-it tore his heart. Even though he knew it was because she was miffed on his behalf. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve this game of hide and seek where she had to keep her relationship a secret. She deserved to be loved in front of the world. Calling her 'Precious' wasn't just for the sake of a nickname, but he really meant it when he said that. This wasn't the kind of life he wanted for her and it was just the beginning, he knew it. He had entered into the relationship without giving a serious thought about the consequences it would bring into her life.
"It's okay... I am used to it by now... besides you see me for who I am, you see beyond my lycanthropy and it means the world to me, trust me." He rubbed her back in a soothing rhythm as he spoke.
She withdrew from the embrace with a lowered head, which he immediately urged up to his face level. Seeing her tear stained cheeks broke his heart and he promptly wiped them away. "I am sorry, I am sorry for hurting you..." He said as he brushed her hairs away from her face.
"It's not your fault!" She spoke with fierceness he thought she wouldn't have possessed after shedding so many tears for him.
"It is... this is what... being with me will entail Dora."
"It's not your fault." She repeated again but this time she faltered as she looked on the edge of the tears again.
Cussing himself internally, he hurried. "Okay, okay it's not my fault I know it's the world's fault and foolishness for being so shortsighted... please don't cry Dora."
Wiping her nose on her sleeve she composed herself. "I don't think I should go to the ball."
"That's impossible! I wouldn't have it any other way, there's no chance I'll let you stay because this is important. Your first big social event as a trainee."
"I can't go alone..." She said quietly.
"Take someone... someone with you then..." He said in even quieter tone, not meeting her eyes as he rubbed her arm absent mindedly.
"And you would be okay with that?" She asked.
He shrugged in nonchalance as he traced a rip in her jeans with his eyes.
"You prat!" She swatted him hard on the bare skin of his forearm and he winced. "You are the most-conceited-insensitive-tactless-human-being-on-this-planet!" Each word was punctuated with a slap on his arm and it stung. She really hit like an Auror now.
"Okay-okay-no- listen to me- Hey!" He finally grabbed her hands and halted her assault. "I didn't mean it that way okay? I meant... don't you have a guy friend who is like a brother of sorts to you and who treats you like a sister? And whom you can take with you?"
"I don't have many friends remember? And all of my cousins are muggles! At least non-murdering ones anyway."
He sighed. This argument was getting more tiring by the minute. He wanted to apologize but knew he would be slapped on the face this time so he held his tongue. He gathered her slowly in his arms as she melted into him.
"First let's get your dress tomorrow, okay? You have got to look the best...and as for going with someone... you can go alone I mean it's not like anyone will think ill of you for going alone, if anything they'll all be surprised that such a sweet and beautiful woman like you is without a date..."
"Yes that's until they figure out that I am a klutz and that I can't be trusted near glasses or plates, food or wine, balloons or tinsels, heels or lace-"
"I get the idea." He kissed her head. "Go. Okay? You are an independent woman, you don't need someone to escort you to the ball and after all it's not like you would be coming back to an empty home... I'll be there waiting for you and we can have a dance..."
She was quiet for a moment and then muttered simply: "Hmmm..."
They did go for the shopping of her dress the next day. They had visited about three-four muggle showrooms while she kept muttering about the inconsiderate Ministry for not informing about the ball before hand. Remus rarely had any experience in the art of dress and gowns shopping- as he hardly ever had money to buy something for himself and he had hardly been in contact with any women who stuck around him enough to take him on their shopping rendezvous. Therefore, he completely relied on his basic instincts and had gone with whatever looked good on her as he had no idea of the latest trend.
There had come the next problem. Well, it wasn't exactly a problem; he had just made an issue out of nothing. He hadn't been able to decide if he wanted Tonks to look her best at the ball when he wouldn't be there as her date or if he wanted her to look plain and simple so that other men (competition, his inner voice prodded) wouldn't notice her much when this ball was obviously the first stepping stone for her long journey to becoming an Auror.
At the end, he had decided that honesty was the best policy and he had simply commented truthfully of what he thought of each dress she tried on, which according to Tonks was very helpful.
He had often heard from James and S- and his other friends that going shopping with women could be dreadfully boring, but he decided he had no reason to complain as he got the perfect opportunity to blatantly stare at her figure in various dresses- short or otherwise. Near the end, when he had seen her in a long beige one shoulder gown he had known immediately that it was the one. He had stared at her for one good full minute, open mouthed and had finally muttered, "You found it."
He had then proceeded to advance towards her, cupping her face and placing a kiss on her forehead. Why he had done that, all of a sudden, in the presence of the assistant of the shop no less, he had no clue. But seeing her there, looking absolutely breathtaking… a feeling of over protectiveness had washed over him and he had simply wanted to embrace her in his arms, and defend her from the evil world's cruelties. It was ironic because in reality, she needed protection from him, from his base and cruel beastly nature.
On the evening of the ball, though she had tried to hide it, he had known that she was disappointed. Anyone in her position would be. Who would want to attend a ball without a partner when they were very much in a relationship? He got her to finally leave by sending her off with a kiss and a promise of last dance.
When she had returned- late and that time had passed agonizingly slow for him- she had found the whole apartment's light turned off except for the various bluebell flames that Remus had conjured to give off a romantic glow. He had played on some silly cheesy soft music and had asked her for a dance in a traditional manner as soon as she had stepped inside.
She had laughed and beamed at his silliness, had been happy even but regardless of the fact that their night had ended in other's arm, the incident had left a bitter taste in his mouth.
The incident had made him realize that Dora would never be able to gloat or complain about her relationship like any normal woman; she would forever have to hide him, hide them and suppress her feelings in front of the world. While in short term this arrangement was doable, in long term it was particularly faulty.
That had been the second blow.
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