What the…? Chapter 10- Ridiculous? Pshaw. Ridiculous like a fox, maybe! (Really, I'm getting horrid chapter title block. I think I've officially exhausted synonyms for crazy. Oh well…)
A/N-In order to combat the rare show of angst from yours truly (my update of Finding Myself), I've decided to update this polarly opposite ficcy. Though to be honest, I'm not terribly fond of the script format anymore, so I'm transitioning to something with more of a structure (hopefully not at the expense of the humor). So tell me what you think of this beta version and if you prefer it or script. I will obey my shiny readers' commands. Oh, and the next update of Poker Face is also on its way, if you were wondering. Oui.
"Ooooh, it's summer again, so I can promise to update more often, but just be really, really laaaayiaaaayiaaazy for a few months!" the girl named CAT-- who is certainly neither the author of this fic nor a badly-written self-insert-- hummed in the key of M to no particular tune, deafening several creatures with above-normal hearing, including that dog at the end of Wizards at War, who I have christened PonchMark2.
None of the wizards trapped inside the story looked at her. In fact, it was almost like she didn't exist in their universe. She paused in her singing a mere 8 seconds before PonchMarkTwo's head would have exploded and death-glared them all, to no avail.
"Why aren't any of you paying attention to me? I'm supposed to strike fear in your hearts! I'm the badass freakin' overlord here!"
Ronan groaned. "Well, the whole ours-is-a-mighty-and-vengeful-authoress was passable when you actually updated this story, but the last chapter was posted six months ago. If we only have to put up with a chapter every six months, you aren't very intimidating."
"You're not helping your ranking as my not-favorite-guy-character. Roshaun, Darryl and Kit are kicking your ass. Heck, even Nita's dad is beating you, for the mere fact that he doesn't give me any back-talk." CAT sniffed, sticking her tongue out at the Irish pseudo-goth boy before realizing she'd gone completely off-topic.
"Errr, anyway, you better start fearing because I am back and more diabolical than ever. And possibly more motivated, but no guarantees."
Ronan groaned again and banged his head against the nearest door in angst. (Incidentally, if you thought Ronan was the angstiest character in YW, you haven't seen my new chapter of Finding Myself yet. I'm kind of proud that I made Kit angstier than him, because that's a feat, considering I hardly ever write the stuff.)
"Can we just get on with the bloody story?"
"You know, only Englishmen are allowed to say 'bloody'…"
So, errr, later that day…"Why don't we ever get a normal vacation? For once I'd like to relax on the beach without worrying about being on errantry." Nita sighed, resuming her normal role as plot-mover-alonger.
"Well, that's a silly question." the Power formerly known as Macchu Picchu scoffed, appearing from nowhere with a large official-looking clipboard.
"You've used up all of your Spring Vacation days off this year for the whole-exchange-program deal. Then you were able to enjoy a luxurious extension to that vacation when we set you up for a week up fun on Memeki's cockroach-infested planet ."
Nita scowled and contemplated punching the Power formerly known as Macchu Picchu. Of course, that idea was vetoed by the logic side of her brain, which realized that it's usually a bad idea to beat up gods, especially when they're one of your gods.
"'A week of fun?'" she spat, "You've got to be kidding me. Yeah, I consider being chased my murderous warrior-bugs a ton of fun."
"Hmph. Ingrate. Rules are rules."
At that, AMS popped out of nowhere with her own important-looking clipboard and nodded.
"Actually, according to CAT's audit, it hasn't officially been summer in their world since 1993, when A Wizard Abroad was published. You owe them approximately 13 summer vacations, Peachy."
"Damn…"
Kit froze, tears welling up in his suddenly anime-twinkly eyes.
"I think CAT just actually did something nice for us. For real, this time!"
Carmela snorted and smacked him to jump-start his brain cells.
"I think someone is a bit delusional."
"WOO! Beach-time!" CAT cried, snapping her fingers and making it so.
And so…Jones Inlet had been completely made over since Nita and Kit's (ok, mostly Kit's) intervention against the pollution in the bay. Now the sand was only a slightly disquieting yellow-gray, the water twinkled a chartreuse color that barely brought to mind vomit in a kiddie pool, and the fish hardly ever glowed neon green and sprouted more than two eyes. It was a good thing no one else in New York wanted to go near such an unsettlingly clean beach, because if they had, they would have encountered a strange sight, even for city-dwellers. A motley group of wizards (including a shiny purple almost-centipede, a gymnosperm with an affinity for baseball caps, and an alien King in too-tight Spiderman swim trunks and a bathrobe) were taking in the sun and surf, some with more vigor than others.
"I saved your sun, I've talked to it personally, and I know it doesn't hate me, so why does it feel like it does?" Roshaun whined, trying to look regal on his throne of a pink-striped folding chair he'd set up under the beach umbrella.
"It's just part of the wonderful experience of a New York City summer." Nita sighed, absorbed in rubbing her sunscreen in.
Kit, who was hypnotized by watching Nita rub in her sunscreen nodded in a zombie-ish fashion and said, "Grlgh!", which translated from teenage boy speak to 'She's right.'
"I fail to see why I should view your pollution of your planet as endearing..."
Beside him, Dairine scoffed and hit him. "Maybe if you'd take off dad's bathrobe and got in the water, you wouldn't complain so much about being hot…"
Roshaun made a face at her and reached into the beach bag for a half-melted cherry lollipop.
"Pwerhaps ith you had given me pro-er attire for this thwimming activhity, I woul't complain." He said, talking around the lolly and daring anyone to make fun of him.
Annoyed at his whining already and slightly wounded, Kit crossed his arms and glared at the blonde bish.
"Hey! I was nice and gave you my favorite bathing suit! Spiderman rocks!"
Roshaun crunched down on his lollipop, effectively eliminating his lisp.
"I may have believed that if all the people on the bus hadn't started laughing and pointing at me."
Carmela sidled up in a tiny but retina-scarring orange bikini and patted his shoulders reassuringly, making Dairine narrow her eyes and look around for the nearest fangirl repellent, which happened to be the umbrella stand. She put a hand on it and whistled in what she hoped passed as a casual way. Since Roshaun had started living with the Callahan family and had refused to alter his blond-elf-pretty-boy looks, Dairine had had more than her share of experience in… err… deterring fangirls, especially the ones who still mistook him for Legolas. Carmela, she knew though, was more dangerous, partly because she was smarter than the average squealing groupie, but mainly because the Bikini was like a fishing net for men's brains.
"Don't worry about them, they just don't know a great fashion sense when they see one. I think it makes you look regal." Carmela half-purred, half-snorted, a strange sound indeed.
She turned away and went toward the water, and only the humans realized that her shoulders were shaking because she was holding treacherous peals of laughter in. Roshaun took no notice because he was too busy watching her walk away.
"Roshaun…" Dairine growled, knuckles whitening as she repressed the urge to thwack him, "I am revoking your lollipop privileges for the day."
"But—" he whimpered, trying to look away from Carmela's hypnotizing bathing suit and failing.
Dairine's patience finally failed. She adjusted her more conservative blue halter swimsuit and kicked him upside the head. Then she folded up his protective umbrella and left him unconscious in the sun.
"Jerk… I hope you get sunburnt."
Nita and Kit exchanged a look and grinned. Roshi should have known not to make Dairine angry, for she had both the wrath of a woman scorned and a criminal mastermind.
Ronan, however, slightly bitter and angsty about Carmela not hypnotizing him with said bikini, turned to the group and scowled.
"Doesn't anyone realize what's happened?"
Everyone else looked at him blankly.
"Doesn't this whole group-of-wizards-at-the-beach scenario seem a bit familiar?"
More blank looks and Ronan's rant were interrupted by a shrill scream coming from the water.
"AUGH! It's a shark! Ronan, save meeeee! It's coming straight for me!" Carmela screeched.
S'reee surfaced and winced.
"You have no idea how painful that girl squealing is unless you have super-sonic hearing."
"Huh?" Carmela said, halting her frantic swim to shore, "Oooooh! Look at the whale! Can it do tricks like Shamu? Whosa pretty aquatic mammal, then?"
S'reee shut her eyes and breathed like someone trying to keep their temper under control.
"At first I was just chasing her because she looked an awful lot like a salmon, but now I'm tempted to eat her anyways…"
"Can I have a ride on your back?" Carmela pleaded, "Then we can reenact Free Willy! You know you want to, S'reee!"
"Stupid humans…" S'ree snorted, swimming away and leaving Carmela sulking at her lost opportunity.
Meanwhile on the beach, Ronan looked incredulously at the others.
"You can't tell me this isn't ringing a bell. I wasn't even there and I know what's happened."
Nita gave him a withering look and crossed her arms.
"If you have something to say, say it."
"Can't you see? It's the exact premise as when we first stumbled across CAT! We've come full-circle. CAT has run out of ideas, not that that's surprising. We're back at a beach, and granted, there are more characters and more things have happened, but it's the same bloody concept!"
"Lies!" a shifty-eyed CAT cried before making a break for the horizon.
Nita gave Ronan a skeptical look.
"You really remember something four years ago that well?"
"Well, shortly afterwards I was forced to sing "I Feel Pretty", and that's not a thing I easily forget."
Carmela bounced over beside his beach chair, making for a strange, nausea-inducing contrast between Ronan's patented angstwear and the day-glo bikini of hypnosis.
"Ooh, I love it when a man's confident enough in his masculinity to sing show tunes."
"Really?" Ronan said, perking up, "Because I…uhhh… certainly didn't end up cowering in a corner begging CAT to make it stop…"
Meanwhile, Kit, who had had his thinking face on for the last half page, finally broke in.
"HEY! Speaking of things that happened four years ago, I STILL haven't got my date with Nita!"
"Wha..?" Nita stuttered, her face bright red.
As usual, Dairine pounced on her sister's show of weakness.
"Gee, Neets. You'd almost think you're avoiding it. How much redder doya think she can get, Roshaun?"
"N…no! 'S an evil llama, Dairine. Don' believe what it tells you! And Sol, stop bein' so meeaaan!" Roshaun slurred, still unconscious and now a painful but pretty shade of ruby.
"…Riiight." Dairine said with the tiniest bit of pity, doing her patented guys-are-idiots temple massage.
After a few seconds, she noticed everyone else staring at her in a mix of shock and fear.
"What? Oh fine, I guess I may have over-reacted a little. I'll be nice."
With a shrug, she rolled him over and left him face-down.
"Now he'll get an even… tan." she grinned wickedly.
"Can't…breathe…" Roshaun gasped into the sand, his central nervous system still not fully functional enough to let him move himself to a more comfortable position.
Dairine moved her beach chair over a few feet and propped her feet on his back, ignoring the cowering of her fellow beach-goers.
"And that's how you teach Prince Pompous a lesson he won't forget within five minutes."
"Callahan women…" Ronan scoffed, though too quietly to be heard, "Bloody insane, the lot of them."
"You're telling me, Captain Obvious." Kit sighed, glancing over at Nita, who was still blushing and moving her mouth wordlessly.
A/N- Crappy place to end, yes, but it's been too long since I last updated and if I don't post now, I'll just keep postponing it. Next chapter: Kit continues to try to get his date, Roshaun wakes up and discovers the joys of sunburns, Carmela gets a summer job, and probably a couple new celebrity death-matches. Yeessss… and if you want the next update to be in days instead of months, please review or I kick poor Preiwinkle box in the face and leave it to dehydrate and shrivel like a raisin in the sun. Heh… I must say, though, looking at all the reviews I've gotten, I'm shocked, not to mention feeling a bit inadequate for all the attention, especially with my crappy update schedule. Because of all the support, I'll try to be a better authoress from now on. –nods- Thank you all so much for reading!