"Aha! You've fallen right into my trap!"
This was not a phrase new to Sanji, but he had never heard it right after kicking someone's teeth out. He squinted at the man in front of him, who was still laughing, head thrown back and all. Sanji had to admire a guy who could do that despite the blood that was definitely pooling in his respiratory system.
"As soon as you came into contact with me, your fate was sealed! Soon you will realize – " Sanji kicked him again. He wasn't even sure why he was kicking this asshole (Pirate? Bounty hunter? Just because?) but it was probably best to just knock him out and move on.
"S-Sanji, that doesn't sound good, m-maybe we should, leave?"
He didn't even deign Usopp with an answer. Whoever this guy was, he was definitely being annoying and like hell he would just kick someone and just leave them. Either finish the job or don't start at all, that was his philosophy. "So you gonna stop talking or what?" He nudged the guy's body with a foot. The poor sap responded with a mumble that sounded like a continuation of his previous threat. Sanji kicked him again, getting his body to skip twice across the cobbled street.
"G-great job, Sanji! Getting some distance like I said! Now time for phase two of the plan!"
"If your plan is 'run away,' then forget – " Turning around, Sanji found the very unwelcome sight of hundreds of caltrops flying right towards his face, and he only managed to save his eyes being gouged out by catching them with his arm instead. They hooked into his clothes and pressed against his skin like unprofessional acupuncture and he had to stop breathing for a moment, afraid that any move he made would somehow sink the damn things further into him.
He threw his arm down and shot a blazing glare back at Usopp. "What the hell! Where the shit do you think you're aiming, you pepper-licking asshole son of a shit!" He was only somewhat mollified by the apologetically terrified look on Usopp's face. Somewhat.
"I, I wasn't aiming at you! I swear! I was aiming for that guy, but, but somehow, in the air, all of them just, kinda, changed directions and, and went towards you!"
Sanji frowned. That sounded completely ridiculous and totally fake, but Usopp had never had an incident of friendly fire before. And now that he was focused back on the damn caltrops, he couldn't help but notice that, honestly, they shouldn't be sticking to him. Trying to brush them off just got them stuck to other parts of his body. Another annoying laugh from the resident kicking bag made him turn around again.
The man, still bleeding on the ground, managed to turn his face and look up at him. "There it is, the dawning realization of your doom...for you see...I have turned you into a living magnet! That is my power, and now you will bear witness to – "
Sanji landed a foot solidly on top of his head. With some of the caltrops sticking to his shoes, he imagined it made the attack more painful.
As he stood there, smoking over the finally silent body, Usopp plodded up beside him, hands clamped on his bag like he was afraid it would go flying off. "Um. So. I should probably take all of those off."
Sanji exhaled a stream of smoke. "I would very much like that, yes."
"Oh hey! There you bros are! We've been lookin' all over, jeez, what's keepin' you – "
"Wait, hang on, Franky, don't – "
"...So that's what happened."
The rest of the crew turned their head from Usopp to stare at the current unusual spectacle and said, "Ah." Sanji tried not to blush, but he had been doing so for the past fifteen minutes. As he had been doing so all the way back to the ship, he braced his feet against Franky's legs and tried to pry himself off to little success.
"Let me go," he snarled, managing to peel one of his arms away enough to bang it fruitlessly back on one of Franky's frustratingly metal pectorals. "Of all the damn people in the world who could be made of metal, why did it have to be you?!"
"So yeah, the guy's unconscious but this whole thing didn't wear off or anything so we don't know how long it'll last," Franky added, plucking Sanji off with one hand and grabbing some cola out of his stomach with another before placing the cook back like a giant fridge magnet. "It's probably not permanent."
"Probably?" Nami echoed with a frown. At some point, Luffy had got up and disappeared inside somewhere. The only thing more important than laughing at his crew mate's misfortune would be food. Sanji's struggles got more violent. "But he's messing up the Log Pose." And it spoke to just how spitting furious Sanji was that he didn't immediately say something like how now Nami had an Eternal Pose ~~to his heart~~
"So Curly just sticks to you anywhere, huh?" Zoro said, standing a few feet further away than anybody else. His swords started rattling in their sheathes if he got any closer. "What about your dick?"
It probably wasn't humanly possible for blood to boil this much. After a moment, Sanji managed to grit out, "I'll cut off your dick for asking, you goddamn grass troll."
"Yeah, he can," Franky said, and Sanji's blood pressure got that much higher. He started kicking again.
"Alright. If you guys are done talking about your genitals, what are we gonna do about dinner?"
"Dinner! Right, I haven't started!" Straining against Franky's legs once more, he jumped, landed on the deck for one second, and was flung backwards into Franky's body once more, cursing and hissing like a teapot.
"If I may, if you were to attempt to cook as you are now, you will most likely find yourself skewered by your own knives."
Sanji's blood curdled, which was at least better than the constant bubbling that was happening before. Nami's more placating tones warmed it up a little. "What Robin means is...you should probably take a bit of a vacation, Sanji-kun. Until this whole thing...works itself out."
"Vacation?" Sanji repeated, going limp with a whimper. Luffy burst back out of the dining room and skidded in front of Franky with a load of spoons in his grubby hands. The load of spoons quite quickly found their way onto Sanji's face.
"Hey, it ain't so bad!" Franky gave him a light knuckle sandwich, his fist coming away with Sanji's hair clinging desperately to it. "Think about it – we could have a little...bonding time together!"
"Oi, oi, don't be stupid, Franky. He's already...attracted to you enough!"
Gradually, the spoons started to vibrate and clank together in an awful din that continued even as Luffy tried to see if Chopper's metal band on his antler was enough to stick him to Sanji's chest. Brook, standing as far away as Zoro was, started laughing up a storm.
"'B-b-bonding time...!' 'Attracted!' Yohohoho, how brilliant!"
"I suppose this is fitting. He always had a magnetic personality, in that he tends to stick with a person he likes for a long time."
"Please don't encourage them," Nami groaned out at Robin while Franky, Usopp and Brook whooped and whistled and clapped their hands. Luffy had moved on from harassing Chopper to simply snapping Sanji's tie clip on and off, on and off, grinning widely whenever he let it go and it snapped back into place with a thwap. "Don't you guys have anything better to do? Someone needs to start cooking at least."
"Eh, I guess I can do that," Usopp replied, raising a hand and moving towards the kitchen already. Sanji's eyes followed him with unsatisfied rage and a hint of jealousy.
"Guess I'm babysitting this bro right here," Franky bellowed with a laugh before giving Sanji another one of those goddamn noogies and his godddamn hair was never going to be the same again he was sure of it. "C'mon, I'll show you something super I'm working on – "
"Franky, if we aren't letting Sanji-kun into a room full of kitchen knives, do you really think it's a good idea to take him into a room filled with whatever junk you keep in your workshop? Metal junk?"
Franky paused in his steps, turned to look blankly at Nami, and then peeled Sanji off and held him out. "I don't wanna babysit him anymore."
"Ooh! Ooh! Me me me! I'll do it!" Luffy shouted, dropping his armful of what suspiciously looked like scrap metal from the workshop below to wave his arms madly about.
"I'm out," Zoro said with a lackadaisical wave. "Don't want the idiot stealing my swords."
"I DON'T WANT THEM."
"It is the same with me, I'm afraid. And violins do have some metal on them. I will have to compose a song about this from afar, alas."
"I DON'T WANT A SONG EITHER."
"Well what about," Franky started, swinging Sanji over towards the ladies, but stopping his suggestion in its tracks when he saw their expressions. He swung Sanji back. "Wh-what about...Chopper!"
Chopper was standing beside Luffy, hiding behind a large sheet of metal rather guiltily.
"Well, that's that. No kitchen," said Nami, pointing at the spoon-covered cook before moving on to his handler, "and no workshop. Make sure Luffy doesn't go overboard. Have fun."
"Why did it have to be magnets," Franky sighed out after a few hours, staring longingly towards his workshop once more.
Sanji couldn't think of a time when he had ever shared a sentiment harder. He muttered something indistinct from within his thick armor of whatever as Luffy pried him off, sat him in the swing, and then laughed so hard he fell over when it went completely horizontal towards Franky like an unerring compass.