Hey guys! Hope everyone is having a good day =) Sorry, I got this chapter up a little later than I planned. But thank you for being patient. It's a nice long chapter, so I hope the wait was worth it =)
So here we are. Final chapter. I would like to dedicate this chapter to you guys. I would not have gotten this far this fast if it wasn't for all of you and your mind-blowing support! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I honestly can't say that enough. Just thank you for all the follows and favorites and reviews; you're all amazing!
So, as the biggest thank you of all, here we go…
Enjoy!
Chapter 10
Kensi couldn't spring up from her couch fast enough when the doorbell rang. She opened the door, a grin spreading across her face at the sight of her partner with Chinese take-out in his hands. He smiled hugely back at her; the biggest smile she'd seen on his face in weeks.
"Come on in," she said, stepping aside so he could come in.
He stepped around her shoes, haphazardly piled by her door, and plopped down on her couch. She sat down next to him, watching as he pulled out white containers and set them on her mostly cleared off coffee table. She had attempted to pick up a little, but mostly it had consisted of shoving things on corners out of the way. Kensi licked her lips hungrily as he opened up the food containers, letting the smell of Chinese waft through the air in a delicious perfume.
"I brought all of your favorites," he said with a grin, handing her a pair of chopsticks.
As they dug into their food and sipped the beers she had broken out, Deeks flipped on the television and sat back, as comfortable in her home as in his own.
"Look, Kens," he mumbled around a mouthful of eggroll. "Titanic's on. We could watch,"
"We don't have to," she said, even though she desperately wanted to watch. But if Deeks was going to talk to her about what was going on, she decided that she could turn down Titanic for one night. "You pick what we watch,"
Deeks smiled teasingly. "You feeling okay, Kens? You never, ever turn down a chance to watch Jack and Rose's epic love story."
"Oh, shut up." She muttered. "I'm fine. Now pick something to watch,"
"Alright, alright. Bossy," he said, but his lips were twitching as he tried fighting off a smile. He turned the TV to the channel Titanic was playing on and she looked at him curiously.
He met her gaze and shrugged nonchalantly. "What's one more time watching Jack let go?"
As he turned his eyes back to the screen, silently eating his dinner, Kensi didn't even know how to respond to that. It was just so unbelievably sweet of him. It made her worry all the more about how he'd been acting. But it also warmed her all over; from her head, right down to the tips of her toes, and she could barely keep the smile off her face.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
They had been finished eating for quite some time when the movie started coming to a close. Deeks watched Kensi get all teary eyed, even though it was probably her billionth time watching the movie. He allowed himself to scoot closer to her on the couch, so she could feel his presence next to her without actually touching her, though he desperately wanted to.
As the ship began to sink, so did Deeks' confidence. The night had started off well; he had been all ready to tell Kensi everything. But now, the reality of the situation was beginning to dawn on him. How could he possibly put into words what he had gone through during those three days? Thinking about the torture now made it hard to breathe.
Images flashed behind his eyelids of the white room that held Sam, of big burly men with cruel smiles, of bloody instruments of torture. He could hear the whirring, the constant, awful buzz of that drill, ringing as it carved holes into his teeth. He could taste the bitter, metallic blood that had coated his tongue and mouth and gums for three days straight. He could feel the chafe of metal against his skin when he strained against his cuffs as they cut into him; cut into his body and his mind, and what felt like sometimes, his soul.
"Deeks!"
Deeks jumped, his hand lashing out to grab someone's arm as he was shaken from his reverie. After a moment, he realized he was gripping Kensi hard enough to whiten his knuckles. He immediately let go, a red spot already forming around her upper arm. If it hurt, she didn't say anything. But it didn't make him feel any less guilty. And the guilt only piled on when he saw Kensi's face. She looked worried, curious, and almost a little…scared. Scared? Kensi was never scared. But fear was exactly what he saw in her face now.
"Kens…I'm sorry—" he broke off, still breathing heavy from the flashbacks. "Your arm…I'm sorry, Kensi—I didn't mean to—I—"
Kensi shook her head and suddenly he couldn't talk anymore. "It's okay, Deeks. I'm fine. But you're not,"
Deeks couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes. Of course he wasn't fine. He knew he wasn't fine. She knew he wasn't fine. But even though he knew she could tell something was wrong, he still couldn't bring himself to admit that out loud to her. He didn't want to admit that he needed help because it would bring up memories of Jack; and not the Jack in the movie. The Jack that had left her on a Christmas morning. He couldn't be like Jack. He couldn't.
"Talk to me, Deeks," Kensi urged, almost begged. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"
He nodded mutely as she covered his trembling hands with her own.
"So tell me what's going on," she said. "You said you'd explain…"
"I know," he replied in a low voice. "I know I said I'd explain, and I want to…I just…I can't. I've gotta go,"
Deeks stood, suddenly needing fresh air. He patted his pockets to make sure he had his phone and keys, Kensi watching him, hurt, the whole time as he rejected her for the second time that day.
"Deeks, wait—"
"I've gotta go, Kens, I'm sorry." he looked at her, the guilt nearly drowning him as he saw the hurt in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow."
Kensi didn't try to stop him as he left her alone with a sunken ship, empty food containers, and her own hurt feelings. Once outside, he gulped in mouthfuls of fresh air. The coolness of the night helped clear the last images of his flashbacks away. He paced along the sidewalk by his car, hands shaking. There was no one on the street, but considering it was nearly eleven on a Thursday night, that wasn't that much of a surprise. Deeks was glad though. He didn't need any of Kensi's neighbors thinking he was some deranged weirdo who needed a haircut.
He felt the sudden urge to hit something. He was just so frustrated. He was tired of the nightmares, tired of his inability to tell his own partner what he was going through, tired of feeling angry at Sam for not trusting him, even after accepting the older agent's apology. He was tired of the stupid flashbacks, tired of the concerned looks everybody gave him.
Angry, Deeks picked up the nearest hard object, a rock, and hurled it off into the distance. It clattered against a tree and fell into some bushes, causing a dog to bark in a nearby house. Rage still bubbling inside of him, he lashed out with his foot at a metal garbage can on the curb. He kicked it again and again.
"Dammitdammitdammit!" he shouted, denting the metal with his foot.
Finally, the can tipped over, spilling a couple trash bags. Calming his breathing, Deeks bent down and righted the garbage can and put the bulging bags back inside. He leaned over the hood of his car, head in his hands, wishing that he could just sleep. He just needed to sleep, nightmare free. Just sleep.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
Kensi watched from her window as Deeks walked unsteadily outside. In the last parts of the movie she had just happened to glance over at Deeks to see him shaking, his eyes wide with fear, sweat shining on his forehead. She had called his name a dozen times before he heard her. He had grabbed her arm, none too lightly, not recognizing who she was until a few minutes later. It had scared her. He had never lost control around her like that. He hardly ever got angry at her.
She just wanted him to talk to her. But that hadn't happened tonight. He wasn't ready, she could see that. Even more so when he went outside. She watched him pace the sidewalk, his hands quivering with barely controlled anger, clenching every once in a while into fists. Then he threw the rock and started kicking her neighbor's trashcan, cursing and screaming. It hurt her to see him loose control, to see him so powerless against himself.
Then, in a way that seemed very Deeks, he picked up the spilled trash and leaned against his car for a good ten minutes. Then, he climbed in and drove away, and she watched until the red tail-lights disappeared around a corner.
Kensi lifted a hand to cover her mouth, shocked. Her fingers grazed her cheek, and she felt something wet there. She realized, as she drew her fingers away, that there were tears trailing down her face. And they weren't because, even after Rose told him not to, Jack let go.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
The next day, after wrapping up a fairly easy case that involved drug dealers and stupid college students, Deeks went back to Dr. Winters' office. Hetty was still the only person who knew that he was seeing a psychiatrist, even though he had just started seeing the doc the day before.
As he drove, Deeks thought about last night. He had let Kensi down again. He had been all ready to tell her…but the words were harder to get out than he'd imagined. He knew that she would be patient; she would listen, no matter how much he struggled. It was just hard, because every time he even thought about the torture, much less talk about, he froze. So he needed to know how to unfreeze.
Dr. Winters let him in with a kind smile the minute she saw him standing outside her office door. Today, she was wearing perfectly creased trousers and a turquoise button-down that brought out the blue in her eyes. He sat down on that uber-comfy couch and Dr. Winters sat down in her armchair, just like yesterday. There was a recorder sitting on the coffee table in front of them, but there was no clipboard in her hands today.
There was a brief silence before he started blurting out everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.
"So I took your advice and tried to tell Kensi about the torture, but I couldn't do it," he admitted, feeling frustrated all over again. "I flashed back, and then I grabbed her arm, and I just couldn't get the words out…"
Deeks trailed off, twiddling his thumbs nervously, expecting her to be disappointed, but she just nodded understandingly.
"Looks like you passed the first test then," she commented, giving him a sly smile.
Deeks blinked at her. "Test?"
"Yes. An exercise if you prefer." She told him. "With what you're going through, it is nearly impossible to tell someone what you went through without you being ready. I sent you to tell your partner what happened full well knowing that you weren't ready to tell the whole truth yet."
"Okay," Deeks said slowly. "Next time, though, I'd prefer a little warning if there's gonna be a pop quiz."
"No more surprises," Winters laughed.
"So how do I know when I'm ready?" he asked.
"We're going to take it one step at a time," she explained. "First you have to come to terms with your full condition."
"Which would be…?"
"I believe that you are dealing with a minor form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder." She replied kindly.
Deeks couldn't reply right away. Great. Not only was he going to have to tell Kensi about the nightmares and the torture, he was also going to have to tell her that he had PTSD. So much for not being like Jack. Because right now, he felt like Jack reincarnated or something. How the hell was he going to tell Kensi?
"Deeks?" Dr. Winters said, breaking him from his thoughts.
"Sorry," he mumbled, shaking his head. "Okay. PTSD. Got it."
"That was quick," she commented. "Most people deny it first."
"Well, I guess it makes sense. The nightmares, lack of sleep, the flashbacks, the anger, not being able to forget, those are all symptoms. Will I have to take any medication?"
"Not right now. If I believe you need it later, I'll put you on our prescription, but right now, I think we just need to get you to put this behind you. How did this case affect your team?" Dr. Winters asked, digging out her clipboard now.
"Well, the case had been going on for a while. My teammate, Sam, the one who was with me for the torture, he and his wife were in a pretty deep, dangerous cover. It put us all on edge. And of course, Sam's cover was blown, and we were kidnapped…" Deeks swallowed, skipping over the torture part. "Anyway, we were just all glad when it was over."
"Have any of your teammates talked with you about it, or talked with each other?"
"I haven't really talked to anyone about it, but I know that Sam and his partner discussed it with each other. It's hard going three days without your partner,"
"You and Sam were there together, correct? For the torture?"
He nodded.
"And you said yesterday that you hadn't really talked to him?" she asked.
"No."
"Did anything happen between the two of you before or after the torture that would be affecting your work together now?"
"Well, before we were taken, before he went back undercover, we had to work together, and he said that he didn't trust me as much as he trusted Callen—uh, Callen is his partner." Deeks explained.
Dr. Winters looked at him, waiting for him to elaborate.
"Oh, well…I guess it made me mad. I mean, we've been working as a team for three years now. And I'm not disloyal. I would always put one of my teammates' lives' ahead of my own. Hell, I saved his life right before we were taken. He apologized for not trusting me, but it almost got us killed. About a month after we got out of the hospital, I told him I accepted his apology, but I still feel angry."
She jotted a few notes down, then looked up at him. "Okay, first step to putting this case behind you," she started and Deeks listened eagerly. "I want you to talk to Sam. What I recommend is that while you have a punching bag in front of you while you do talk. If he says something that makes you angry, hit it. If you say something that makes him angry, he'll hit it. But I want you two to talk about what went on there. Remind him that you saved his life. Just talk."
"Okay," Deeks agreed after a minute of pondering her request.
"How about we make this a three-times-a-week thing? Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's?"
"Sounds good," Deeks agreed, and stood. "Thank you."
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
"So why exactly did you call me in an hour early again? On a Monday, no less?" Sam asked gruffly, crossing his huge arms over his broad chest.
Sam looked like he'd just rolled out of bed, with the bags under his eyes. Which, Deeks figured, he probably did just roll out of bed. They were both dressed in their workout clothes and tennis shoes. The gym was empty except for the two of them and the punching bag strung up in one corner.
"Well, to be honest, I'm still pissed at you," Deeks said, holding his ground as Sam stared at him intensely.
"Pissed about what?" Sam asked.
"I'm sure you can figure it out," was all he replied with.
Realization dawned on Sam's face and he looked apologetic and sheepish. But his face changed as he looked down at the padded gloves on his hands.
"So what the hell do I need these for?"
"This," Deeks grabbed the punching bag they had drifted over to.
"We gonna have a contest or something? See who can hit it harder? 'Cause I could kick your ass with just one hand, Shaggy." Sam said.
"No," Deeks replied and explained what Dr. Winters had told him on Friday. Minus the whole part that it was his shrink's idea.
"You come up with that all on your own?" Sam joked.
Deeks ignored him.
"What's the point of this anyway?" Sam asked instead.
Deeks took a deep breath. "Well, the truth is…I'm not doing so great. After the whole…you know."
Sam's features went from joking to serious and concerned in a second flat. The big guy looked sympathetically at him and then nodded in agreement.
"I'll start," Sam volunteered. "I was wrong to say I didn't trust you. You've done plenty for this team, and you did save my life, so I'm sorry."
Deeks punched the bag.
"Why'd you hit the bag?" Sam asked loudly.
"I don't want you to say you're sorry," Deeks explained. "I want to know why. Why don't you trust me?"
"I don't trust you because…." Sam hit the bag in frustration. "Because I don't know you like I know G and Kensi. You're different. Being a SEAL…even Kensi was raised in a military family, but you…you're just different. I haven't figured you out yet and it makes me wary."
Sam sighed, looking embarrassed of his admission, but it made Deeks happy, to have somewhat of an explanation.
"During the…torture…you thought I would give up Michelle. Why?" Deeks asked.
"I didn't think you could handle the torture," Sam admitted and Deeks hit the bag.
"Just because I hadn't been tortured before didn't mean I was going to break the minute I got poked with something sharp. She's your wife, Sam. I would never do that. Besides," he added. "If I gave Michelle up, Kensi would've been put in danger too."
Sam raised his eyebrows in surprise, a slow smile spreading across his face. And Deeks realized what he'd just said.
"And Callen, too, of course," he added quickly, but it was too late, Sam was shaking his head and laughing.
"Can we just forget what I said?" Deeks pleaded.
"Too late," Sam chuckled. "Just wait till I tell Kensi how worried you were about her. Callen, too."
Deeks just hit the bag so it swung at Sam, who easily put out a hand to steady it.
"Okay, my turn," Sam said, still smiling a little. "I know I talked to G about what happened during those three days, which really helped. Talked to Michelle, too. But what about you? I mean, you said you're not handling it too well,"
Deeks was silent for a moment, looking down at the smooth wood floor. "I haven't talked to Kensi yet, if that's what you mean."
"You can talk to other people." Sam reasoned. "Have you been seeing someone? A professional, I mean? Because I find it hard to believe that you came up with this handy-dandy little exercise on your own,"
When Deeks looked up at Sam, he expected to see a mocking light to his features, but Sam was serious. And concerned.
"Yeah. I've been seeing a psychiatrist, since Nate isn't around, ya know. I've been having a lot of nightmares, not sleeping. And the flashbacks. I'm just not ready to talk to Kensi yet," he admitted.
Sam punched the bag and Deeks looked at him, confused.
Sam shrugged. "You could've come and talked to me. Sooner, anyway."
"Yeah, I know I should've. I don't know. Guess I thought it would just go away eventually. Seems like it's getting worse." Deeks muttered.
They both looked up as they heard other voices, doors opening and closing, more lights turning on, the whole building buzzing to life after the weekend.
"Look, Deeks. It's okay to need help. You're not weaker because of it. Kensi knows that too. And I'm always here to talk if you need it. Let's just not make these early mornings a regular thing, 'kay?" Sam smiled.
"What? Don't want to see my sunny face and golden locks early every morning?" Deeks smiled back.
Sam just shook his head, no snarky comeback. As Sam headed back to the locker room, he turned to face Deeks one more time.
"I never did thank you for saving my life and keeping Michelle's cover intact. So thank you." Sam said earnestly.
"You're welcome." Deeks replied. "Oh, and Sam? I don't mind if you tell Callen al this but…don't tell Kensi, please. I'll tell her myself."
"Yeah, no problem. See you in the bullpen, Shaggy." Sam grinned and left.
Suddenly, Deeks realized that things already seemed better than they were an hour ago.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
Later that afternoon, when Deeks went to see Dr. Winters again, he told her about his success with Sam, and how he didn't feel as angry anymore. Not at Sam anyway. His anger towards Sidorov was a whole nother story.
She asked more about what the rest of the team was like. It felt good not to have to talk about torture or nuclear bombs. Talking about his friends was comfortable and made him smile. They were his family, and he liked sharing funny stories about his family a lot more than he liked talking about how that drill felt in his mouth.
Friday when he saw her, she gave him his next task: have fun. She said that getting out, doing something normal with the whole team would help all of them. It would help to return a sense of normalcy and re-strengthen the bond they had before the case. So Deeks invited everyone out for drinks.
Of course they all agreed when he said he was paying.
Well, everyone but Hetty was coming. When he'd asked, she'd politely declined, giving him a knowing smile. He wondered what she could possibly be thinking about, but he didn't ask.
Sam and Callen showed up first, and the two older agents went to find them a larger table while Deeks waited outside for Eric, Nell, and Kensi. He stood out on the patio. Closer to the building itself were half a dozen tables with umbrellas over them and a low wooden fence strung with white Christmas lights. There was one group of what looked like a group of college boys and girls at one table, but other than that, there was nobody outside except Deeks. Soon enough though, Eric and Nell pulled up in adjacent parking spots, smiling as they climbed out of their cars.
"I won!" beamed Nell.
"Did not!" argued Eric.
Deeks watched, bemused, as they continued to bicker about their race while they approached.
"Hey, guys!" he greeted. "Sam and Callen are inside already."
They nodded and headed towards the bar.
"Oh, and Eric, Nell beat you by half a second!" Deeks called, grinning.
"I told you!" Nell shouted triumphantly.
Eric tried to protest, but Nell ignored him, gloating about her victory.
Deeks smile faded as he realized they were still missing one person; the most important person. Kensi. He scanned the parking lot, not seeing her familiar silver Cadillac. He bounced on the balls of his feet, watching as the last rays of sun disappeared behind the Los Angeles skyline. He whistled, puffed up his cheeks and then blew all the air out, started singing Eye of the Tiger, but still no Kensi. Kensi hadn't said much since last Thursday, after he had to leave her house. He thought maybe she was still mad and wouldn't show up. He glanced back at the bar, wondering what everyone else was doing inside. This was supposed to be team bonding. It wasn't exactly the whole team if he went inside without his partner.
But when he turned back around, there she was.
"Hey," he said, his lips quirking up into an involuntary smile at the sight of her.
"Hey," she repeated back.
She had changed out of the plain white V-neck she had been wearing that day into a shimmery black tank-top. She had traded her ponytail for wearing her hair down in dark, soft waves. Even with just eyeliner and mascara, she was still stunning. She would have been gorgeous without make-up. She stepped closer to him and there it was. Sunshine and gunpowder.
"For a second there I thought you weren't going to come," he admitted.
"Well, for a second it thought that too. But then Nell told me that you were buying so I figured why not?" she smirked, her mismatched eyes twinkling playfully.
"Oh, yeah, of course," he joked. "the second you guys don't have to pull out your wallets, you're all so eager to come have drink."
"Of course," she agreed, smiling, and started heading towards the building.
Before she went in, he grabbed her wrist gently, half expecting her to hit him. But she just turned, curiosity and something else in her eyes. He tried, but failed to figure out the other emotion.
"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, Kensi." He said softly. "For leaving so suddenly last Thursday."
Her expression softened. "It's okay. Really."
"It's not though," he disagreed. "That was twice in one day that I blew you off. I just… I thought I was ready to explain…but I wasn't. And when I am, you're the first person I'm gonna talk to."
She nodded, and he could tell she wasn't mad anymore.
"Alright," Deeks said loudly, grinning hugely, and reluctantly letting go off her wrist. "enough gloom and doom, Fern. What do you say we go get a beer or two?"
Kensi rolled her eyes, but followed him inside the din of the bar. The building thrummed with life. The smell of alcohol and sweat mixed together. The place was busy, but it was a Friday night. Deeks finally spotted the rest of the group in one of those corner booths that could seat six or seven people. Callen was on one end, Sam next to him, followed by Eric then Nell. Kensi slid in next to Nell, leaving Deeks to slide in last next to Kensi. Okay, so maybe it was meant to seat just six people. Sam, with his big fame, probably counted for two people. They weren't squished, but none of them exactly had space either. Not that any of them minded. And that meant that Deeks was seated right next to Kensi, their jean-clad legs brushing up against each other lightly. If Kensi noticed, she didn't say anything.
They all ordered drinks, and Deeks immediately raised his bottle of beer. The rest of his teammates followed suit.
"I would just like to make a toast," he cleared his throat dramatically and Kensi punched his arm, not very lightly. "Okay, okay. Anyway, I would like to make a toast to you guys. I know that the Sidorov case wasn't easy for any of us, and I'm just grateful that we all made it through it. May Sidorov rot forever in that high-security prison cell of his!"
"I'll drink to that," Callen smiled.
"Only wish I would've gotten the chance to arrest him myself," Sam grumbled. "Either that or punch him a few times."
Their various bottles and glasses clinked together and they all took swallows of their drinks.
Their evening got very interesting after that when Eric accidentally let slip that Michelle and Sidorov had kissed. Twice. Sam's eyes squared and Eric looked like he was going to pee himself when Sam glared at him and demanded an explanation. But once Callen got his partner calmed down, they fell into their usual banter. Sam and Callen made fun of Deeks, Kensi joining in too. Eric and Nell made fun of each other, everybody sitting by and laughing as they argued.
"You two are like an old married couple," Callen commented at one point, and both Eric and Nell blushed profusely.
Once their third round was finished, Deeks got up to retrieve another round, and was surprised to see Kensi following him. As they waited for the bartender to get another one of the margaritas Nell was having, Kensi leaned over.
"Thanks for this," she said quietly, giving him a smile.
"For the drinks? Yeah no problem. I mean my wallet is bottomless. And endless abyss. Like a trench in the ocean—"
"Okay, I get it." she snapped, but she was trying hard not to laugh. "Yes, thank you for the drinks. But I also meant thank you for getting us all together. We needed this. As a team, I mean. I think we all were still struggling with the Sidorov case a bit, so just thank you for being a good friend for all of us."
Her expression were sincere, her face open. Her usual walls didn't seem to be as high in that moment. They gazed at each other, his blue eyes boring into hers. For a moment, all the loud voices, the laughing, the tinkling of glasses, the smack of cues against pool balls, it all disappeared. I could do it. I could kiss her, he thought. All I have to do is lean forward—
"Here you go sir," the bartender said, breaking the moment of bliss Deeks was having.
Kensi looked down, and Deeks swore she blushed, even though he'd never seen her blush a day in his life.
Deeks cleared his throat a little too loudly. "Thank you."
He and Kensi each grabbed half of the drinks and made the way back to their booth.
After their fifth round of drinks, when Nell started getting way giggly, they decided to call it a night. Eric had had only three drinks so he drove Nell home in her car, then caught a cab back to the bar to drive his own car home. Callen had ridden with Sam, so Sam gave Callen a ride home. Pretty soon, it was just Deeks and Kensi on the patio outside the bar.
"So," Deeks said, shoving his hands in his back pockets.
"I had a good time tonight," Kensi said, answering his unasked question.
"You okay to get home?" he asked.
"Yes, Deeks," Kensi said, sounding like an annoyed child talking to an overzealous mother on the first day of school. "Believe me, I've had more drinks than this and still gotten home just fine. I'll see you Monday."
She walked back to her car and drove off into the night. Deeks sighed. Should've kissed her, he scolded himself. He headed back to his car and drove home. When he finally fell into bed, he didn't go completely without nightmares, but he slept better than he had in weeks. So maybe, just maybe, he was making progress.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
Two weeks later, Deeks was exhausted. They had tackled several long, arduous cases in the past weeks, and he would've liked nothing better than to go home and relax on that Friday night, but he had to go see Dr. Winters. But it was different today. He felt different. He could tell that he was close—close to putting this behind him. When he strolled into Dr. Winters's office, she seemed to notice his good mood too. He took a seat, giving her a big smile that stretched ear to ear.
"Having a good day, are we?" she asked, smiling in return.
Deeks stretched his arms up and put them behind his head, leaning leisurely back against the couch. "Yes, actually. I think I'm ready," he told her.
She nodded, like she knew he was going to say that. "I just have one question for you, Deeks,"
"Go right ahead," he invited.
"Are you in love with Kensi?"
Deeks sat up straight in surprise. That was definitely not the question he'd been expecting her to ask. He peered at the psychiatrist sure that it was some kind of joke, some kind of shrink-y, Jedi mind trick. But Dr. Winters looked at him, honest curiosity adorning her features.
"Are you in love with Kensi?" he turned the question around in his head. Deeks thought about his partner, his best friend. He thought about her dark, silky locks, those strikingly beautiful eyes of hers, the touch of her lips when he'd kissed her. He thought about how good she looked, even when she wasn't trying. He thought about all the snarky banter they shared on the job, and how much he'd missed it during those three days he'd been strapped to that chair. Thought about the relief, the overwhelming sense of warmth and gratefulness when she'd rescued him. Whenever he saw her, he just felt unbelievably happy and all butterfly-y in the stomach. He probably knew more about Kensi and her weird little quirks and habits than he knew about himself. Involuntarily, as he thought about Kensi, his lips curved into a smile.
"Yes," he finally answered. "I'm in love with Kensi."
It felt so good to get those words off his chest. Though, he'd much rather say them to Kensi herself. Dr. Winters smiled and gave a little nod again, probably expecting that answer too.
"That doesn't surprise you, does it?" he said.
"Not at all," she replied, giving a little laugh. "You've talked about her so much in the past month, that I feel like I know her. And it's clear that you two are much more than just partners. Or even friends for that matter. Does she know? How you feel about her?"
"I don't know," he confessed. "I mean, I think so. I kissed her, so I'm pretty sure she knows, but we haven't actually talked about it."
"When did this kiss happen?"
"Right before Sam and I were kidnapped." he answered automatically.
She raised her eyebrows in surprise. "So it's been a while since it happened?"
"Yes," he laughed. "I tired talking to her about it, but whenever I did, she just put up those damn walls…it's been three months since I last mentioned it."
"Well, you said you were ready to talk to her. I think that how you feel about her should be included in that." Dr. Winters suggested.
"Yeah," he said, not quite sure.
"I understand that you're worried that your friendship and your partnership could be jeopardized," she told him.
"Or it won't and we'll end up getting separated anyway because of policy," he muttered.
"Deeks, if I know Henrietta at all, she wouldn't do that. Especially if you two are as good a team as it sounds." Dr. Winters said reassuringly. "and besides, you won't know if you don't try, right?"
"Yeah. I guess so." He gave her a small smile and stood up, reaching out his hand to shake hers. "Thank you for everything."
"Just promise me you'll come by next week and tell me how it all worked out, okay?"
Deeks gave a little laugh. "I promise."
As Deeks headed out to his car, he decided that he needed to make a little pit stop before he headed over to Kensi's. Smiling, Deeks drove back to the office.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
Everyone in the OSP had been gone for quite some time. The building's lights had been turned down to a dim orange glow that matched the sunset outside. Hetty sat at her desk; staying late like she did most nights. She looked up through her glasses, only half surprised to see Deeks walking towards her desk.
"Mr. Deeks," she spoke. "What are you doing here?"
The LAPD liaison shuffled his feet. "I just wanted to say thank you,"
"For what?" she asked, though she had a feeling she already knew.
"For recommending Dr. Winters to me," he said. "She helped…a lot."
Hetty gave him a small smile. "You are quite welcome, Mr. Deeks. I take it things are better now?"
"Much," he replied.
"Does Kensi know?" she asked even though she already knew the answer.
He rubbed the back of his neck, scratched his stubbly beard, stalling. "No. She doesn't. I was actually gonna go—go and talk…to her." He finished lamely.
He looked sheepish, maybe a little guilty, and she beckoned for him to take a seat. He sank into the chair and looked at her.
"Mr. Deeks," she started slowly, folding her hands across her lap. "You are a brilliant Detective and an even better friend. Especially to Kensi. You have gotten through to her somehow. You're the person closest to her. I don't believe that you would ever do anything to harm her or put her in danger. In fact, I believe that you would do anything for her. So don't screw this up."
Deeks gave her a blank look. "Uh…what?"
"Go get your girl, Mr. Deeks!" she said a little louder.
"Wha—oh. Oh. Okay—yeah—I—" he said, understanding crossing over his features. She watched in amusement as he stumbled up and away from his chair.
"Go, Mr. Deeks!" she called again as he headed out. "And don't come back here till you've broken down that wall of hers,"
"Thank you, Hetty!" was all he shouted back and the doors shut quietly behind him.
Hetty smiled to herself and took a sip from her tea.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
The sun had set and Kensi was curled upon her couch. She was still wearing her jeans form that day, but had changed into a more comfortable shirt. It was actually one of Deeks' shirts—an old gray LAPD shirt. He had been over at her house on a different Friday night and spilled beer all over it. She had meant to give it back after washing it, but it just never seemed to have happened. Secretly, she was glad she hadn't or that he hadn't asked for it. It was much too big on her, but it comforted her and it still smelled like him, like the ocean and sand.
She had been catching up on Top Model, half-heartedly sipping a beer, when the doorbell rang.
Figuring it was just the older lady across the street that probably needed help taking her trash out or something, she put on a smile and opened the door and was wholly surprised to see her partner standing there instead, his blond locks looking white under her porch light. Her smile faltered when she saw him, which almost never happened. She always smiled when he was around; unless, of course, he was in danger. But other than that…the sight of him always made her happy. Even when he was being annoying. She looked forward to seeing him every morning at work, just so she could smile.
"Deeks," she said, her voice sounding a little strained.
"Hey," he responded quietly, tucking his hands in his pockets. "Can I come in?"
She hesitated. The last time she had let him in, she had been all set to listen only for him to shut her out again.
"Please, Kensi," he implored. "It's important."
She looked up into his eyes; those cerulean blue eyes that made her want to drown in them. She remembered those same eyes looking down at her as he spoke the question "How's that for communication?". She remembered her and Michelle's talk before the rescue mission, how Michelle had promised her to let her walls down. "It's okay to let someone in, Kensi," Michelle had said. Well, maybe she could start small by literally letting him in.
She nodded and stepped aside. Deeks kicked off his shoes and made his way over to her couch and sat down. Kensi followed him unhurriedly, flipping off the TV before taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch, tucking her legs underneath her. They sat in silence, Deeks glancing down at his hands. When he looked back up at her, he caught a glimpse her shirt—his shirt—and smirked.
"You're wearing my shirt," he commented.
She rolled her eyes. "Thank you, Captain Obvious, I didn't know that."
"I don't see any Rocky Road. You know you get a little crabby when you don't get your daily dose," he said.
"What'd you come over here for, Deeks?" she snapped, coming out a little ruder than she had intended.
His face automatically turned serious, which was a rarity for him. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip nervously clearing his throat.
"I just want to start by saying I'm sorry, Kensi," he said quietly. "I'm sorry that I haven't talked to you about what happened. I'm sorry I've been so distant. I just…I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she whispered.
"It's not though," he half laughed. "I've been kind of a jerk about it. But I'm ready now. Ready to tell you…everything."
Kensi remembered that Thursday night and him kicking the trashcan, kicking and screaming in frustration and anger.
"You don't have to. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," she said, though she didn't really mean it. She wanted him to tell her.
"I want to though," he said. "It'll help. Both of us. Trust me," He paused." Do you trust me?"
"I trust you." She said earnestly.
He nodded. "Okay. Here goes nothin', I guess. Well, after you left, they handcuffed Sam to one of the briefcases of gold and threw in the pool. I went to back him up and they offered me the key for my gun. I took it and I jumped in to save him. When I got him up, they were just there, watching, waiting…"
Kensi listened intently the whole time. Listened about how he found no pulse on Sam and performed CPR. Listened about how the minute Sam was breathing again, they were both knocked unconscious and taken to the warehouse. He told her about waking up strapped to the chair in that hideous room, and how Sam had been in the other room, tied down to their make-shift electric chair.
"It was awful, watching them electrocute him," he said, his eyes staring off into the distance. "That's the worst kind of torture, you know. Watching somebody you care about get hurt."
As he said the last sentence, he looked up at her. Watching somebody you care about get hurt. Kensi couldn't summon any words to speak, so Deeks continued. His voice shook as he started to talk about his torture.
"That guy…he—he dug that drill into my teeth. There was all this blood. Just…it was e—" he took a shaky breath. "It was everywhere. All I could taste for three days was blood. He laughed when he did it. He enjoyed it. Every second of it. The first night I passed out, it was too much. I had never been so grateful to be unconscious."
His hands trembled, and Kensi scooted closer to him, reaching out to him. He promptly took her hands, wrapping his around hers, big and warm and comforting. He took a few more deep breaths. She watched his chest as he inhaled and exhaled.
"They hit me a lot," he started again, his voice steadier. "Every time I said something sarcastic, they'd hit me."
Kensi couldn't help it; she gave a small, shaky laugh. "You are pretty good at pissing people off,"
He nodded, with a ghostly half-smile, and she knew, somehow, that the worst of his story was yet to come.
"They took turns with me and Sam, but I guess they liked me better or something. They spent more time with me. Probably thought I was weaker." He muttered, his tone slightly joking, trying to lighten the situation. "They burned us. They used that drill on me more. They kept asking the same questions over and over, no matter how many times we gave them the same answer."
Deeks wasn't looking at her anymore. His chest fell up and down more rapidly, like he couldn't get enough air.
"They hit me, broke my rib. They broke my fingers. They…they broke me, Kensi." His voice cracked. And despite his sudden weakness, he tried to put on a smile, tried to be brave for her.
She reached up and touched his face, a little part of her heart shattering with his words. She cupped his face with one hand, and he leaned into her touch.
"That's not true," she said in a strangled whisper, refusing to let any tears fall. "That's not true at all, okay? They didn't break you. I refuse to believe that."
"I left a piece of me back in that warehouse, Kens. A piece they carved out of me." His voice was flat.
She let her hand fall from his face. She knew how much it was taking out of him to tell her all of this. Part of her didn't want to hear anymore, but she didn't stop listening.
"Kensi, I haven't been the same since it happened. And I—"
"Deeks, stop. You don't have to tell me anymore. You don't have to—"
"I need to tell you though!" he said, raising his voice a little. "I need to, Kensi. I need to tell you so I can get better, so I can get as back to normal as I possibly can—" he stammered.
"What do you mean, 'get better'?" she asked.
He looked up at her. "I've been having nightmares. I've barely slept in four months. I felt angry for a while, not quite myself. There's been flashbacks…all signs of…" he trailed off.
"Signs of what?" she demanded.
"You know what, Kensi," he said gently, soothingly, but Kensi wasn't soothed.
She shook her head. She knew. Of course she knew. But she shook her head, refusing to believe it.
She pulled her hands away from his, still resting in between them. "No,"
"Yes," he said, and now he was the one comforting her. "They're all signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's a minor form, but it's still PTSD—"
"No!" she burst suddenly, leaping up from the couch. "No, don't say that, okay? You can't have PTSD, okay? You can't. You just can't because—"
"Because of Jack, I know." He said, standing with her.
Kensi felt like he punched her in the gut. He'd never mentioned Jack to her. Never. It was like some unspoken agreement. She'd allowed Sam, Callen, and him to hear about Jack, but after that, none of them had brought it up again.
"I've been seeing a psychologist, Kensi. For the past month or so. She told me that I was dealing with a minor form of PTSD, and if I could talk about what happened, it would help." He explained gently.
"Why didn't you tell me this before?" she said, feeling betrayed that he hadn't told her sooner. She could've helped.
"I didn't want to say anything until I was ready to tell you about what happened." He said. "I didn't want you to worry, okay?"
"Who else knows?" she asked angrily. "About the shrink and everything else?"
He looked at her, blue eyes unwavering. "Hetty knows. She's the one who recommended the Doc. Sam knows. I told him it was okay to tell Callen."
"So everyone but me?" she said bitterly. She tried to move past him. She wasn't exactly sure where she would go, but she just needed to be alone, but he stepped in front of her. She could've made him move, but her body didn't seem to want to obey her.
"I know you're mad, Kens—"
"Mad?" she said, incredulous. "Mad? Try hurt. I'm your partner, Deeks! We're supposed to tell each over everything! How could you keep this from me? Don't you trust me?"
"Of course I trust you! I trust you with my life! I—" he took a deep breath. "I didn't tell you because I wanted to wait till I was myself again. I didn't want you to think you had to take care of me. I didn't want to let you down like…"
"Like what?" she asked, calming down.
"I didn't want to let you down like Jack. I didn't want to be like him" he said quietly, his blue eyes boring into hers.
She felt her mouth fall open a little. "I didn't want to be like him". Involuntarily, unwanted memories of her ex fiancée sprang up in her mind. She felt a few tears fall from her eyes, and she ducked her head, quickly wiping them away. God, when had she started crying so much?
"Deeks..." she cleared her throat, hesitantly looking up at him, all of her anger gone. "You are nothing like Jack. Nothing like him. You are a far better man than he ever was."
More tears fell, and this time, Deeks stepped forward so they were a few inches apart. He reached up to cup her face with his hands, using his thumbs to wipe away the salty drops. His hands were so gentle, almost hesitant. Like his hands when he had kissed her four months ago. She felt his hands drop away and immediately missed the warmth they had provided.
"I'm sorry." he said, for what seemed like the millioneth time that night. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was wrong. Is should've told you. I had a moment of stupidity,"
"Only a moment?" she smirked.
"Ha ha. You're so funny," he mocked. "But you were right."
"Well, you were right, too." She conceded. "I shouldn't have gotten so mad. I understand, not being ready. I pushed too hard, so I'm sorry, too."
As she spoke, Kensi, for some reason, remembered what Callen had told her in the hospital, to ask Deeks what he'd thought about during the torture.
"Hey, Deeks?" she asked.
"Yeah?"
"In the hospital, Sam told Callen to ask me to ask you—" she said, put Deeks held up a hand.
"Okay, slow down and repeat that please," he said.
"No," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "Anyway, I've been meaning to ask you…"
"Ask me what, Kensi?"
"What got you through the torture?" she asked quietly, looking up at him.
"You really can't figure that out?" he asked softly. "I thought you were an NCIS Special Agent? Can't you figure it out?"
She gave a slight shrug of her shoulders, waiting for him to just tell her, though thinking about it, she had a suspicion of what his answer might be.
He shook his head, smiling a little. "You, Kensi. You're what I thought about. You're the reason I'm alive."
"Come on," she said, her breath hitching. "You're not just alive because of me,"
"I am though," he said, stepping just a bit forward, no more than two inches between them. "You're what motivated me to keep going, to hold on. I thought about that stupid promise you made me make, about not getting myself killed. I kept fighting so I could at least tell you that I didn't die." He grinned.
She let out a breathy chuckle at his attempt to make her feel better.
"I thought about when I kissed you," he said suddenly.
She didn't flinch or get angry, like those few times he'd brought up the kiss after getting out of the hospital. She just met his eyes steadily.
"I just knew," he continued, smiling. "that I was not gonna die without getting an answer to my question."
Her brows wrinkled in confusion. "What question?"
"'How's that for communication?'" he grinned, repeating the question he'd said after the kiss that had left her stunned and speechless for the first time in her life.
They were both quiet, simply breathing in the tension filled air. The two inches between them felt like a mile. There was a magnetic pull between them, and before she could remind herself that this was a very stupid idea, Kensi stepped closer to him, closing the gap between them. Deeks didn't move; he simply let her make the move. And that's exactly what she did.
Stretching up, Kensi placed her lips to his. They were soft and warm, just like before. Deeks immediately kissed her back, softly, one hand cupping her face, the other twining around her back to pull her—if possible—closer to him. Kensi had one hand curled into a fist around the fabric of the t-shirt he was wearing; the other was wrapped around his neck, her fingers curling in his blonde locks like she'd wanted to do since they first met, just to see if they really were as soft as they looked. They were. Their lips moved together until it was hard to breath. Kensi broke away just long enough to say: "How's that for an answer?"
Deeks chuckled, his lips against her neck as he held her vibrated through her skin, sending good chills throughout her body. "You answered my question with a question again," he commented.
"Maybe we do need to work on our communicating," she told him as he pulled the collar of her shirt aside, and let his lips skim her collarbone.
"Well, if it's any bit as good as this, then I think we'll be okay, Fern." he said and she felt him smile against her skin.
There was a pause, and then they both laughed. Deeks laughed like he had before Sidorov took him and Sam. He wore a huge smile that lit up his whole face and made his blue eyes twinkled. And Kensi knew that the Deeks she knew—the one that made jokes and inappropriate comments and made an idiot of himself just to make her feel better—was on his way back to her.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
Epilogue
1 Month Later…
Sam figured it out first.
The morning after their first night, Deeks made a bet with Kensi of who would figure it our first. Well, not counting Hetty. They couldn't decide how to tell their teammates and friends, so they let them guess instead. Unfortunately—and unsurprisingly—Kensi won. Deeks had put twenty bucks down, saying that Callen would definitely figure it our first. But alas, it had been Sam.
Deeks didn't care though. His PTSD had all but vanished, save for the occasional nightmare. He could now call Kensi his, because he'd broken down her walls.And it was absolutely amazing. They worked together pretty much the same as before. They had a few more petty arguments than before, but there was also more kissing to make up for those fights, so he wasn't complaining too much.
He still thought about the torture once in a while, but it wasn't very often anymore. All he knew was that, even though that part of his past sucked ass, it had also given him a future with Kensi that probably would've taken a lot longer to go after than if that case hadn't happened.
And not just a future with Kensi either.
One day, while finishing up paperwork, Hetty came over and gently placed a folder on his desk.
"What's this?" he asked.
"Well, I thought that if you're dating one of your coworkers," Hetty said, giving him a sly smile. "she might as well be your actual coworker."
Hetty turned and walked away, hands folded behind her back, offering no further explanation. But upon opening the folder, he got all the explanation he needed. Smiling, he grabbed a pen, and began filling out the forms that would make him a full NCIS Agent.
So there it is! The end of Communication Skills! I hope you all enjoyed!
Thanks again for sticking with me, and thank you for waiting so patiently for this chapter. Hope it lived up to some of your expectations. I know that I'm pretty proud of how it turned out, so I hope you are too =)
About a sequel: I will probably do a sequel. When I start it, I don't know, but when I do, I will probably post an author's note on this story to let you know!
PLEASE REVIEW! I really want to know what you guys think, especially on this chapter! So please leave your thoughts, they really mean a lot to me!
You guys are all truly amazing! THANK YOU FOR READING!
Till next time….
-DaughterOfPoseidon333