Chapter 10 – '... and more like a moat"
I drove for what seemed like forever, my vision blurry from the tears that were cascading down my face. The music blared from the speakers, drowning out the sobs that I couldn't stop from escaping my mouth. I had never cried so hard before, and the longer I drove, the more I thought about what happened, and the more tears that continued to fall. A while ago, I had pulled into a deserted parking lot, unable to see the road in front of me due to the tears obstructing my view. I just sat there, letting my emotions flow out of me. I didn't want anyone to see me like this; I didn't want anyone to see me as anything else but strong. No one ever saw my weak side, and no one would. So I stayed in my car, not wanting to go home for fear of running into one of my housemates and having to answer their questions.
After two hours of gut wrenching sobbing and running my eyes dry, I finally made my way home. Sleep was starting to take over my body, and the sun was starting to come up in the sky, signalling for a new day. I felt the sun was so inappropriate; so bright and warm, when all I felt inside was dark and cold. I had had my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on by the one I cared most for. And what hurt the most was that he didn't even come after me. Not that he would have known where I was, but when I had finally got into the car and started to drive off, he just stood there, with his hands in his pockets, showing no emotion. I had poured my heart out to him and he just stood there. He just fucking stood there.
I pulled up to my house and made my way inside. All I wanted to do was sleep and forget everything. I started to make my way up the stairs, when Sapna appeared from the kitchen holding a mug of tea. She saw me and immediately noticed something was wrong. I don't know if it was the pale face, the red, puffy eyes, or the completely drained look I had on my face, but I'm sure she would have known something was wrong regardless of the physical aspects.
"Hey. Where were you all night? Are you ok?" she asked full of concern.
"I was out. I don't really want to talk about it, I just need some sleep" I replied flatly, continuing to make my way up the stairs.
"I saw him leave yesterday. I was here when he packed up his things and left" she said abruptly, yet cautiously, as if she was trying not to break something very fragile.
I stopped dead in my tracks. Just at the simple mention of him, a tear escaped my eyes. I shut them hard, furiously wiping my face trying to make it stop. I had to tell Sapna what happened, but I just wasn't ready. Not yet at least. All I wanted was my bed and just some peace. Not even turning around I began to speak in a calm and low voice.
"Yeah he left" I told her, and then continued to quickly make my way up the stairs.
I could hear her voice as I turned the corner, ignoring it. I had finally made my way to my room and I let out a low sigh. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, resting the back of my head on it. I glanced around my room, and it just felt so empty. All the same things were in it; all my shelves, books, desk, TV, bed and clothing, yet it felt completely empty. I walked over to the window, pulling the blinds shut, wanting to be in complete darkness, matching the state of my mind. My bed seemed so inviting and I stumbled my way over to it, shedding my jacket in the process. I pulled the covers up and slid in, letting the warmth engulf me. I fell asleep immediately, a lifetime's worth of heartache draining me from all my strength. It was a peaceful sleep and I welcomed it.
I woke in the afternoon, the sun shining brightly through my curtains. I was still in my clothing from last night. They were stale, sticky slightly and I felt dirty. My face hurt, every muscle aching as I stretched. I just wanted to lay here. Still. Completely silent. I liked being still in the dark, it left me to my own thoughts and right now, I needed to work things out in my mind. I had to wrap my head around the fact that we were over, and that he made it perfectly clear how he felt about me. Just thinking about it again, made my heart ache. So I just laid there, for hours and felt myself drowning in my emotions, but I needed this. I had to come to terms with all of this, before I could forget about it, and move on as if it never happened.
But the truth was, I didn't want to forget about it. I had wanted this to go on forever, and now that it was over, I was in disbelief. How had things gone so quickly from bliss to complete misery? It was from the foundation of our relationship, it was never strong, no matter how much I had willed it to be. After another hour of lying in my bed, I had decided that I wasn't going to wallow in my own filth and pity, I needed to get on with it and focus all my time on something else. Maybe if I kept myself busy enough, then I would be able to move on. I hope.
I rolled out of bed, still in yesterday's clothing and made my way slowly to the bathroom. The house was quiet, my housemates were out. I was alone, yet again; this was starting to become a trend in my life, and I almost welcomed it. I needed some time to myself; I needed to sort everything out without the interference of others. This had to be all me.
In the shower, I let the hot water wash away the pain, the memories from last night. I just stood there for what seemed like forever, never wanting to leave my hot cocoon. After the shower I got dressed and sat at my desk. I was going to study, work on research, organize my notes; anything to keep myself busy. But after only 5 minutes into the plan, I kept catching myself glancing around, everything here reminding me of him. This was my room, and he had only ever been here a couple of times, but it all still reminded me of him. I couldn't sit here with all these distractions, I had to leave.
So I decided for school. It was Saturday, so the campus would be empty and I could get some real work done. I could just go and hide, disappear from the world for a couple of hours. It was mid-afternoon as I stepped out of my house, the sun still high in the sky, shining down intensely on me. I just pulled my hood up over my head, shielding my face from the cold, and put my music on. I marched on, off to hide, off to drown myself in work and away from the torment that was waiting for me in my life.
I sat in the library basement for hours. I was one of about 5 people in the library, tucked away in a secluded corner. I blasted my music in my ears, drowning out the noise from the outside world. I didn't play any sad or depressing music; I had loud, angry music pumping through the earphones. I was not going to wallow, and listening to sad music was a sure fire way of falling into that hole. I sat in the library until closing. It was midnight and everyone had left. I couldn't stay here anymore; I had to face my life and head home. At least it was late and I could just go to bed when I got home. I would face tomorrow when it came. One day at a time for now, until I was ready.
The night was even colder than the day, the previous night, and anytime I had remembered from before. Maybe it was the weather, but I had a feeling it had to do with the emptiness inside me. It was cold on the outside and now, the same was true for the inside. I was an empty shell, walking through the dark streets, put together ever so gently; so fragile that a soft breeze could blow past me and shatter this shell back into a million pieces.
I shivered as I turned onto my street, thinking it to be the frigid night air getting to me initially, but then I saw the slumped figure on my patio steps and was stopped dead in my tracks. I could recognize that silhouette from kilometres away, and that's when I remembered to breathe again. What was he doing here? What did he want? I contemplated turning around and walking away. I wasn't ready to deal with this; I wasn't ready to see him again. But where was I supposed to go? I wasn't going to run away; this was my home, my street, my city, my country, MY LIFE. I was not going to let him control me anymore.
But I couldn't move. I just stood frozen to my spot for what seemed like ages. I had to go home sometime, and it didn't seem like he was leaving anytime soon, so I started to walk. Slowly at first, hesitation holding each step as my feet hit the pavement. I began to speed up; I wasn't ready to talk to him, I couldn't face it, so I decided I would just walk past him and speed into the house. No words, no actions, no glances. I would just walk right past him and pretend he wasn't there.
I lowered my head as I got closer, feeling the tears sting my eyes, freezing slightly as they hit the skin of my cold cheeks. I got to the steps and I heard him shift slightly, feeling his presence as he stood up in front of me, blocking my way. I stopped moving, but I didn't say anything. I just stood there, with my gaze intently fixed on the wood of my steps. I could hear him breathe, feel his warm breath on my skin. It was slow and deep, each time sounding as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. I could smell the alcohol on his breath, and I knew he had been drinking a lot since he was swaying slightly side to side, bracing himself on the railing. We stood like that for a long while, neither one of us wanting to break the silence.
"Where were you?" he spoke quietly, his speech slightly slurred.
I hesitated. Just the sound of his voice was too painful to hear. I didn't hear the soft and kind voice I had dreamt about, but I remembered the screaming and yelling, the vicious tone from the previous night. He had changed, and I didn't see him as the caring and gentle Harry anymore, not my Harry anymore. I didn't speak. I couldn't; knowing that as soon as I opened my mouth, the voice that would escape would be too frail and would break and crack, revealing my weakness.
"Please, talk to me" he said again, a little quieter this time.
He brought his hand up to my shoulder, but I immediately shrugged it off. I had never wanted to avoid his touch before, but now it was like venom, poison to me. I heard him sigh loudly in frustration, but the hurt was also evident.
"Please, where were you? I was worried about you" he asked again.
I could hear his voice waiver at the end. He was breaking, and just hearing him like this, was making me break as well. I shouldn't feel sympathetic for him. I should be fuming; I should yell at him, tell him he's a fucking bastard and what he did was inexcusable. But that wouldn't be me. I was always the one that felt bad for people, even if they didn't deserve it.
"Out" I said in an almost inaudible tone.
It was all I could manage to spit out. Anything more and I would have broken down right there. I started to make my way back up the stairs, wanting to get into the warmth of my house, and away from him. This was all too much. Pushing past him, cringing slightly at his touch, I made my way up the stairs.
"Wait" he said more forcefully, stopping me dead in my tracks.
I didn't turn around; I just stood there with my back towards him. I heard his footsteps thump loudly on the wooden steps. He was coming closer and I started to shake. My nerves were getting the best of me. Even when I hated him, he still had this effect on me. He made me go weak all over and I wished he hadn't. I wish I could stop him from having this power over me, all of me, but it was no use.
"I miss you" he whispered in my ear, apprehensively placing his hands on my hips.
I couldn't breath. My heart had stopped with his touch and I was a goner.
"Stop it Harry. You're drunk" I said quietly.
I pulled out of his clutches and stepped forward. Somehow I had managed to pull it together to tell him to stop. Where that courage came from I had no idea, but I was relieved to have it. I had something that kept me strong and I was very thankful for it.
"I may be, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss you" he said, getting closer to me again.
His face was centimetres away from my ear and I could hear his breathing, feel the warmth against my neck, sending shivers down my body. How was it that I hated his guts, but wanted to jump his bones all at the same time? I fought every urge in my body. I fought the urge to jump him, wrap my arms around him and kiss him furiously. I also fought the urge to slap him hard across the face, to hurt him physically for everything he did to me.
"Stop it. Stop it Harry" I said a little more forcefully this time.
"Stop what?" he asked, and I heard him chuckle, "Stop this?" he asked, bringing his lips in contact with my neck.
His lips felt amazing against my skin; soft and hot as they worked their way up towards my ear. My head rolled back as the pleasure washed over me. My brain snapped me back from the ecstasy, reminding me of the pain I had endured for the past two days, and I stopped him. I grabbed his hands and dropped them to his side and stepped forward. I quickly spun around and looked him dead in the eyes. That courage, which had snuck up on me before, was back and back with a vengeance.
"Stop it Harry. You don't have the right to do that anymore, you don't have the right to say those things anymore" I said full of hate in my voice.
"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked me, his eyes filled with hurt.
"You lost the right when you called me a slut, when you doubted me, when you LEFT me. You lost the right Harry, when you broke my fucking heart" I said, the tears reappearing in my eyes.
"Please don't cry" he said in a soothing tone, and he approached me, bringing his hands to my face.
"Stop it. I mean it Harry" I spat at him, shaking free from his hold.
"How can you push me away like this?" he asked me, keeping his distance. "I'm sorry for everything. You told me you had fallen for me, you told me last night. Doesn't that mean anything?" he continued to talk.
It didn't mean anything? Again, how could he ask such a thing? That was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do; to pour my heart out to him like that. Fear of rejection was running through my head, the fear of loosing him and having it all over. Well my darkest fears came true. He hadn't reciprocated the feelings and he let me leave.
"They meant everything to me. I meant every word, but you blew it Harry. We had one fight and you ran into the arms of another woman, not even 24 hours after leaving me" I said in a serious tone. I wanted to get my point across to him. I wanted him to see the damage he had caused.
"I never left YOU. YOU told ME to leave. And she meant nothing" he began to reply with pleading in his voice.
"It doesn't matter what she meant to you, if she meant anything. The fact is you went to her, and you stayed with her, instead of coming after me. You had a choice to make, and you made the wrong one. Now you have to deal with that" I told him, the hurt flooding back in humongous waves.
"I didn't choose her. I sent her home right after you sped off. I wanted to follow you, but even if I tried I would have never found you. I thought you needed to cool off. So I came tonight. You weren't here. I choose you. I do. Really. I want all of you. I want you with me. I want to be with you, all the time, and only you" He began to speak quickly, as if the words were spilling out of his mouth.
I had waited so long just to hear him say this to me. He was telling me everything I wanted to hear; everything I had dreamed of. Then why wasn't it enough? Why couldn't I forgive him? He had hurt me too much.
"I can't" I said in such a low whisper that I thought he wouldn't hear me.
"Please, don't say that. You are everything to me, and you are more than enough. You make me better and I just want to be with you. Please don't throw this away" he continued to speak, emotion breaking his voice.
"Please, don't. I can't. Not now. You hurt me so much," I said through silent sobs.
"I have to. I can't let you walk out of my life," he breathed, getting close to me once again.
"I can't be with you, not now at least" I said looking away from him.
I started to walk in through the door, my emotions were overwhelming me and I couldn't stand out there any longer.
"I'll wait then," I heard him say, stopping me instantly. "I'll do whatever it takes to be with you. I'll wait for you, until you can forgive me and be with me again. I will wait, because I love you" he said the last part so quietly; I could have mistaken it for the wind.
That was my breaking point. I got inside and abruptly closed the door behind me and locked it. I leaned against it, sliding down to the floor, letting the tears fall as I began to sob. He had finally said everything I wanted. He had given himself to me, and I shut the door in his face. I just couldn't find it in me to forgive him. Not yet.
"I'm not leaving" I heard him say through the door.
My heart fluttered as I heard a large thump against the door. I could imagine him, mirroring my position on the other side of the door, slumped over with his knees to his chest. He was going to wait.
He sat out there for 2 hours. He sat out in the freezing night and waited. He waited for me. I wasn't going to let him die out there. He had earned back some trust from me. I wasn't forgiving him, but I may have been on my way to that.
I unlocked the door quietly, and opened it, looking down to find him curled up against the side of the house, shivering as his arms wrapped around his body. His lips were a shade of blue and his cheeks were pink and slightly tear-stained. He looked so fragile and weak that my heart broke all over again. He had suffered for me.
"Come in" I said quietly, standing to the side of the door, letting him in.
He looked up at me with hopeful eyes, and jumped to his feet. He started to walk towards me, lifting his arms slightly, willingly me to take him in an embrace, but I stopped him.
"This doesn't mean anything, I just don't want you to freeze out there" I said with little emotion in my voice.
"I understand" he replied sounding defeated.
That night, Harry slept on the couch downstairs, while I slept in my room. Alone. I didn't sleep though; I just lay awake, replaying everything that had happened in the past couple of days. And then it hit me; he loved me. He had told me that he loved me, but I wasn't ready to say it back.