.

Please Turn Around

Christian...

.

Fuck... Ana, has never left the house before... Without saying goodbye...

The apprehension I feel building up inside of me, grips my gut and wrings it out tight. It squeezes and twists painfully, keeping me slumped over on the side of the bed, where my head still rests heavy in my hands.

The sight of the car leaving the drive has shaken me... More than I really want to admit, and I know that today is not going to be a good day. I can feel it creeping in, the despair that wants to surround me, engulf me and swallow me whole.

After dreaming of Ana, I needed to make love to her before I left. I wanted to hold her close and tell her how sorry I am for yesterday. I wanted to look deep into her beautiful blue eyes, when I told her repeatedly how much I love her. I wanted to mend her pained heart, and appease my own... But how can I do that... Now that she's gone?

I sit up slowly and catch sight of the bedside table, my heart contorts painfully with a sharp gasp that's so sudden, it virtually leaves me broken and breathless. I notice with a wave of utter despair, that Ana has paid no attention to her gifts from yesterday. The gift wrapped picture of Teddy, still rests against the side of her bedside cabinet. Her card is still unopened, nestled right where I left it, under the still wrapped Tiffany jewelry box. She hasn't even put her flowers into water. I feel my whole body slump when I notice what pains me most, the note I wrote to her, is screwed up into a tight ball on the floor near the bin. I wonder with a saddened heart, if she even took the time to read it?

I'm devastated that I couldn't be with her yesterday. I will never forgive myself for the pain I've caused her. She must know that, surely. I know that I have to make this up to her, and the sooner the better. Her disappointment in me can't be left to grow. I have to fix this, now. I have to do it today.

I sit up straight with a strong determination, eased a little, at knowing that I will just turn up at her office today and whisk her away. There will be no arguments, no ifs or buts, I don't care how mad at me she is. Our time alone together starts as soon as my last meeting is over. No matter what she has on her calender for today, she's mine. I'm just going to sweep on in there, urgently take her in my arms and carry her away. I feel a small smile grow as I picture it.

I reach for my phone on the bedside table, eager to call her, I need to hear her voice, but then a small tut leaves me as I remember that she's driving, and with Teddy in the car, I can't risk their safety by distracting her. My thumbs begin to send a text, but I delete it before I'm even half way through. My apology should be in person, on bended knees, or at the very least, sky written above the sound.

I'll give her an hour, one hour, then I'll call her. Kate might of helped ease her by then, but then again, maybe not, this is Kate after all. A shameful shiver runs through me and my mood plummets as I realize, that I've just proven her right. Kate always said I would hurt Ana, and I have, I've hurt her more than she even realizes. Kate, will in no way help my case, she will make my life hell once she knows. I sigh heavily with even more apprehension now gripping my chest. Today is not going to be a good day. I can feel it.

I shower and dress quickly to distract myself and after eating a quick breakfast, I head straight into my office. Taylor enters a few minutes later with a couple of cups of coffee and we start to go over the family's itinerary for the next 24 hours.

I have one meeting this morning, a few last minute contracts to sign and finalize with Ros, then that's it, I'm totally free for the next four days.

"Did you see Ana before she left?" I ask Taylor, as he sits himself down in front of me. He dips his head in a small nod, "Did you speak to her?" I can't help but ask.

"She seemed a bit off, Sir" he says quietly.

"How so?" I ask, eager to know her mood.

"She called me Taylor" he states with a low, deep chuckle, but I don't share it. I can't. My stomach's suddenly in knots.

He doesn't realize what that means, she must be more upset than I feared, if she's taking it out on him. She loves Taylor. I need to sort this, as the day progresses it's only going to get worse and I can't have that. I can't have her hating me. It's killing me.

I'm not surprised by her actions though, she's hurt, she's angry, and she should be, she has every right to be, and I feel just as devastated about missing yesterday as she does. In a few hours I can grovel and beg her for forgiveness, then tomorrow, Mom has Teddy, so I can whisk her away and we can be alone together, finally. I can make all of this up to her. Tenfold.

Gail suddenly knocks sharply on the door, pulling me out of my head and enters the room looking highly excited. She heads towards me carrying a large, beautifully gift wrapped package. I feel my heart spark as I know what this is. It has to be Ana's gift. I feel myself calm slightly, happy in the knowledge that she can't be that angry with me, if she's taken the time to get me a gift. But why didn't she stay and give it to me herself? My negative thoughts surface and dampen my hopeful tinder.

"Sir, Ana asked me to present you with this" Gail says cheerfully, handing me the package.

"Thank you Gail" I reply, excitement evident in my voice.

As a childish grin takes over my face, I wonder what it is. I take the parcel eagerly and laying it on my desk, I quickly rip it open. I gasp at the sight of Ana's amazing gift. Only she would think of something like this. God, my wife is perfect, she is so thoughtful and knows me so well. This is a perfect gift for me, I will hang it in my office at Grey House as soon as I get there, and no doubt waste hours basking in fond memories.

As I pick it up and my eyes take in the perfect replica of my boat, I envisage The Grace in all her glory, effortlessly crashing and soaring over the rough waves. My mind stirs with memories of Ana and I, and I just know this weekend with Ana is going to be wonderful. We need it to be. She deserves nothing more.

As my mind streams scenarios of what I have planned with her, lingering on our skinny dipping, I know that I have a stupid grin on my face. I vaguely notice Taylor stand and usher Gail out of the room, but I pay them no real attention.

Lost in my fabulous picture, I barely hear Taylor's voice until it rises sharply. I glance up at Taylor as I hear him mumble again, I feel my bemusement rise at his frown and strange expression.

"Sir... There is something on the back of the canvas" he repeats, his words sharp and clipped.

"What?" I mutter, and I feel my frown deepen at his tone.

Taylor's words don't register and I can't read his face at all, he seems shaken, wary and he's looking at me like I'm holding a ticking time bomb. He points to the canvas in my hands.

"Turn the picture over, Sir" he says slowly and calmly, but I don't miss his cautious step backwards, or the anger he's trying to hide in his eyes.

It's just a picture, what's the problem? With a deep puzzled frown, I do as he asks and turn the picture over.

As my eyes take in what's in front of me, they widen and painfully tighten before rapidly losing focus. Time crashes to a stand still as my heart instantly constricts, withers and dies. My color drains and my mind and body freeze simultaneously. No... Is the only thought vibrating loudly through my head.

I feel my jaw slacken and drop, and the shuddering breath that leaves me, is much, much worse, than any unguarded kick to the ribs. It's so painful I can't breath. I fall backwards heavily into my chair, thankful for its support, as I'm no longer able to stand.

My entire world freezes solid... Then shatters into a million tiny pieces around me. I feel each and every razor sharp shard, slicing and dicing every part of me. My mind is racing and my thoughts are screaming, deafening me.

No... No... NNOO... NNOOO...NNOOOOO.

In between the panic and pain, the last few days fall into place, and I can understand now why Ana has kept her distance. Why she wanted nothing more from me than civility. Why she didn't want me to be near her... Or touch her. Why she wouldn't really look at me. Fuck... Ana saw these days ago. I know she did... I could feel it. I just didn't know what it was.

I should have known it was more than my working hours upsetting her, that's our life, with being CEO it's never 9 to 5, never will be, but I never would have imagined this would be the cause of her distance. Thinking back over the last few days it's as clear as day.

She despises me... When I touched her... I repulsed her... She must of hated me more and more, every time she had to look at me and lay beside me. And I knew... I could feel it.

Why did she hide this from me? How did she keep this to her self? Her heart is broken... Undoubtedly... Why didn't she say anything to me? Why didn't she scream, shout, throw things, hit me even... Anything... Except ignore me.

I hesitantly refocus my burning eyes, and look at the pictures infront of me. The photographs are displayed like a story board and it kills me when I see it.. What Ana saw... What Ana felt... What Ana must think.

These pictures tell a story, one that must have been so familiar to her, which undoubtedly has hurt her ever more. She must think that Jess is my... Oh no... Ana wouldn't think that... Jess doesn't look like a sub in these photo's... Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

How can I possibly explain my stupid behavior? These pictures say it all. What ever can I say to her to make this right? The pain she must be feeling, words would never eradicate that. I don't know what to do... But I have to try. I have to tell her everything, from the beginning. I have to explain to her how I'm feeling, how desperate I feel with the growing distance between us. How I'm so scared of losing her. How I can't express myself to her for fear of her seeing, just how seriously fucked up and insecure I really am, and also... That I don't know what I'm doing.

As a CEO, I command, I rule, I take no prisoners and no shit, but with Ana, Teddy, and the life we have... I haven't a fucking clue, I don't understand half the feeling these two souls bring out in me. Never mind how to express them, or react to them. I've never known what to do, I always trusted Ana to lead, she brought the feelings out of me, she always controlled them. Controlled me and my responses. No one else.

Reluctantly and regretfully, I look closer at the pictures, I'm sickened by what I see, I never realized this was how it would seem to the outsider. Jess and I, look so comfortable, so at easy. I'm holding her, she's touching me. We look like a couple. We look so like me and Ana, and the nausea churns up inside of me, because I can't believe that's what I stupidly thought.

I never truly realized the depth of my betrayal, it was lunch, a silly kiss, then ... A complete overstep and disregard to my wife and our marriage vows. My life ends as I understand fully now how much I've betrayed and hurt her. I know Ana enough to know, that she will never understand these images. She will never forgive them. They are no doubt burned into her brain, etched onto her heart... To forever torment her. She can never forgive me for this.

No wonder... She couldn't look at me.

I start to count quickly in my head, controlling the desperate rage that flares within me, my thoughts are becoming panicked and erratic. Oh God... What the fuck have I done? What the fuck was I thinking? How could I have been so fucking blind, stupid and selfish? What the fuck do I do?

I can see clearly now, how Ana, would never understand all of this. I've hurt her, no matter how innocent I thought it was and it was, I never wanted Jess. She was purely a visual stimulant, a quick watered down fix to ease and hide the desperation. I felt comfortable enough to dine with her and felt growing sympathy and compassion for her as I got to know her, but now, seeing it from another view, I realize I was a fool to kiss and indulge in the mirage that was Jess.

I need to find Ana, I need to talk to her, try and explain and reassure her that all of this was nothing, a stupid, stupid mistake. I need to prove to her that Jess mean absolutely nothing to me, and how it was an awful, laps in judgment. I have to convince her to forgive me and still love me. I can't lose her... Not like this.

My thoughts slam to a screeching stop. Will she believe me?

If she even gives me the chance to explain. Will I be able to convince her and prove to her... That she is it for me and that this, was all so, so meaningless.

I feel my brain pound painfully with my erratic rambling thoughts, but I know, that even though my brain in screaming in overdrive, I'm frozen. I can't move, I don't want to. I know the minute I shift from this spot... I have to deal with this... I have to face the aftermath of all of this. I have to face my wife.

I look back at the painting that is still in my hands and I absentmindedly start to remove the photos from the back of the canvas and place them into an envelope. Once I have all the condemning evidence tucked safely away, I stuff the envelope into my pocket.

If I can't see them... Then this isn't really happening.

I don't have to deal with this... I don't know how to. I don't know where to start.

What can I say to her? Begging and pleading insanity will not work.

I feel my tears sting the back of my eyes, and it hurts so much to breath. I feel a sob grip and squeeze my throat as I notice an envelope stuck to the bottom corner of the canvas. I pull it free without thinking and I feel my insides fall because I know... That I will never be the same man again.

My life is over.

I look at the envelope and by the weight and feel of it, I know it's not a quick angry goodbye note... This is more.

I know what Ana would demand of me if she where here, and there would be no excuse worthy of her. I know what she must be feeling, and there is nothing I could ever do to ease that. I know how and what she thinks, and I know she will never forgive me for this.

A sub, at a push, she would probably understand and eventually forgive and over look, but this, never. These pictures that condemn me fully, prove Jess was no sub.

Ana would see affair. A long term affair, judging by our familiarity and actions. Oh good lord, Ana probably thinks I was with Jess yesterday. Oh fuck... What have I done?

I feel the panic internally start to build and rise. It's burning, clawing its was up inch by inch from my toes, heating me from the inside out. Dying to consume me.

I feel something in the envelope with my fingers and slowly start to circle my thumb over the familiar shapes, not really wanting to believe what I know in my frozen heart, this envelope really holds.

I slowly count to ten.

I don't need to open this... To know what Ana has done. She's telling me straight, I've hurt her too much... She can't forgive me... She doesn't want me... She not even going to attempt to fight... To keep me.

Not wanting to ever open this envelope, I slowly pull up the flap. I tip out the contents slowly and when Ana's rings fall out in confirmation, a loud painful gasp is ripped from my chest. I watch Ana's weddings rings spin to a stop on the desk, and when they do, so does my heart, my life, my entire existence. The sadness, guilt, remorse and desolation, run through me. And the dark despair begins to descend.

Failing to focus on the envelope, I pull out the sheets of paper blindly. I recognized the stationary of the law firm, and know instantly what they specialize in. Fuck, no, no, no.

She's gone, I know she has... To her it's over.

Teddy? I mentally scream, he'll be with her, she would never leave without him. I've lost them both.

I've lost them both.

I unfold the Divorce papers and just stare at the blurred lines. All I can make out is Ana's strong, bold, determined signature at the bottom of the page. I drop them quickly but the pain still remains.

They've gone... I've lost them both.

A single piece of paper is all that remains in the envelope and I know that's what will finally eradicate any trace of my heart. I lean back into my chair in order for it to help keep me propped up.

I read the single, solitary, sentence that ends my world, and I know it's over. There is nothing I can do... She doesn't want me to.

I've lost them both. They've gone...

"Sir" Taylor suddenly snaps impatiently.

I glance up submissively and Taylor indicates to the paper in my hand. I reach atomically over the desk to hand it to him but the cold, lifeless piece of paper falls from my hand and flutters like my dry and brittle heart on to my desk.

I never read that, she would never say that to me. As if they could no longer exist to me, they are my entire existence. As if I would not try to find them, I will do everything in my power to find them. Nothing will stop me until I do.

While Taylor reads her final dozen words, my inner voice starts screaming excuses, senseless rhyme and reasons for all of this, I need them, to throw at him, Ana, anyone who will listen.

Oh... What she must be thinking... I have to explain, I have to see her, talk to her, she would understand eventually, I wont stop until she does. I know it was wrong and she has every right to be livid with me, but it's not what it seems. She can't hate me for it. Yes, we kissed and I rolled with her image that I saw in Jess but...

Oh fuck I have to face it... I spent time with her another woman. I kissed another woman. I hurt her. What the fuck am I supposed to do. With these papers infront of me, she's telling me that there is nothing, nothing I can ever do. She isn't giving me a chance to explain. She doesn't want to know. Her decision is made. She wants a divorce. She wants us to end. I've hurt her that much. She doesn't want to be with me.

Well, I want to be with her. I want a chance to explain. I want her to know, she needs to know. I can't divorce her, I love her more than anything... I will never sign those papers.

My brain is racing as my heart is breaking, but I just can't move.

She's gone, She's gone, She gone.

Taylor snaps at me but his voice just doesn't penetrate through the screaming in my head. I'm so scared to face this, I dread what's ahead. I don't want to admit it to myself, because I don't know how I'm going to handle this. How do I deal with this? Bar them both being kidnapped, this is my worst fear. I can't lose them. I can't. Not like this.

Taylor's irritated voice rises finally sink in, and I don't know what to say. I didn't even hear his question.

"Sir, did Ana mention where she was going? Did she mention any change of plans for this morning, Sir there's nothing unusual in her itinerary, and Sawyer has already returned" I shrug while my mind races and once again blinds me.

"I never saw her" I mumble barely moving my lips.

The minute I move, it begins, the beginning of the end.

I've lost them both.

I lift my eyes to Taylor, the only part I'm willing to move at this point, and the look on his face brands me deep. His look is of me being forwarned and not listening, because I'm a total prick. Our gaze holds, and I see it in his face. Like me, he knows what's ahead. Emptiness and sorrow. And I only have myself to blame. I did this, I caused this... I can never blame Ana... For running.

Turing sharply on his heel, Taylor storms quickly out of my office, his phone gripped tightly in his hand. I watch him blindly, still frozen in my catatonic state. This isn't happening. It can't. I won't let it.

This will be fine, Ana will come home after ranting with Kate, she will scream at me, slap me and we will talk, I will explain and she will forgive me, after a lot of making up, we will be fine. Taylor walks back into my office with frustration on his face and fear in his voice. My hope vanishes. We stare at each other, panic evidently growing in both our eyes.

"Sir... She isn't answering her phone, we can't track it she must have removed her battery. Welch is retrieving her phones last location as we speak" his words are rushed and full of worry, he knows what she's thinking too. I'm puzzled suddenly, last location? What does he mean? She's at kate's isn't... What if she's not with Kate. Oh fuck...

"Find her Taylor, find Teddy" I suddenly shout, as the severity of all of this sinks in.

Has she left me now? Is she not coming back to discuss this. She can't, she has to come home. This can't be it. There is so much I need to do and say to her. She can't have gone. I need her here. I need my son. I need to know where they are, that they're both safe.

If Ana is alone, hurt and angry... Anything can happen. We have to find them.

"She was going to the gym with Kate, Sawyer escorted them, start there" I snap, Taylor shakes his head.

"Sir, I rang Mrs Grey she hasn't spoken to her today, Ana canceled their gym session early this morning" Taylors voice is low and angry.

"Look for her, find her, track her god damn car" I scream, as Taylor leaves the room shouting instructions at Sawyer and dialing on his phone.

I freeze in my seat once again, but I force my hand to move so I can pull out my phone. I constantly press redial with my thumb, even though Ana's phone is giving me nothing but a dead solemn tone in my ear.

Five minutes later Taylor returns to my office and the worry on his face scares me. It terrifies me, because I know it's going to be more than I can face. If Taylor is worried, then... I'm still frozen at my desk to scared to move, respond, react, to scared to face this, this inevitable decline.

Hope burns desperately out from me, praying that Taylor has found her, but as Taylor speaks my world and heart sink further.

"Welch tracked her car to Kate's" Taylor states.

"That's good, we need to head over there right now" I interrupt him by shouting, standing up quickly, desperate to cling to anything.

"Sir, that's not going to help" Taylor mutters, as he puts his phone on speaker and places it on my desk. I brace myself with my hands against my desk.

"Tell me" I shout into the cold ether of the room.

"Sir, I've had in-house security check over Mr and Mrs Grey's apartment, it's empty, she isn't making use of any of the building amenities, she isn't in the building, Sir" Welch's voice vibrates around the cold silent room. Ana isn't in the building?

"Her car's there, she can't be far" I snap "What is it with you people, I'll go" I take a step away from my desk.

"Sir" Welch snaps forcefully, grabbing my attention "When Sawyer approached Ana's car a few moments ago, he met a Mr Bennett from GP, he was picking up the car, he had all the registration documents... Sir, Mrs Grey sold it to him for cash... A few days ago" Welch's words hang heavy in the room. My mind is racing and my pain is manifesting into desperate frustration, which in turn is quickly turning into anger.

"What, so what is she driving? Where is she?" I scream, my hands suddenly pulling chunks out of my hair.

"Sir, there's no sign of her leaving the building on foot or by any other means, she hasn't got her phone with her, there's been no credit card usage on any of your accounts, and with a large amount of ready cash there probably wont be... So unless she pops an alert up somewhere and soon, we've lost her, Sir" Welch states regrettably.

"No, no Welch, finds her, use as many guys as you need, from what ever field you think necessary" I scream "What do you mean she doesn't have her phone?" I suddenly recall. "She's switched it off, that's all" I snap.

"Sir, I've traced her phone, it's at a location right by the main freeway, Sawyer is on his way there now, but if no one recognizes her or happened to notice what car she was driving... Sir... From that point of reference she could have gone anywhere. I'm checking all local cameras in that location, running all license plates to see if we can be lucky enough to spot her, or at least give us some clue as to what she's driving, there is nothing new registered in her married or maiden name... but Sir, at this moment in time, it doesn't look good, unless she gives us a lead of some sort, she's in the wind."

"No" I breath. "You have to find her, find my son... Now Welch" my desperate words cause my voice to rise. "Find them, they can't just be running around alone out there, anything could happen to them"

"I understand that Sir, but... We're gonna need time and honestly we need her help, she needs to slip up, use a card, visit a gas station, anything we can jump on, until them..."

With a throat scraping angry growl, I pick up the phone and throw it, smashing it into the wall opposite not wanting to hear anymore. I look down at my desk glancing at the divorce papers, but I can't help focus on Ana's rings.

I pick up the rings that I placed on my wifes finger, and just stare at them laying in my palm, they're cold, hard and life less... Just like me.

I feel a flood of emotion that I don't understand, but the pain of it cuts me to the core. She doesn't want me anymore, she doesn't want me to find her. She knew I would follow her, find her, try and bring her home. She doesn't want that, she's made sure I can't find her. She doesn't want me to find her. The realization of that is devastating and soul destroying.

I feel, rather that see Taylor quietly leave the room, and as the severity of what I've done hits home, I lose it. I can't control it anymore, I don't know what to think, what to do. I just know it hurts like nothing I have ever felt before and I don't honestly know what I'll do without them.

A blood curdling, cut wrenching scream leaves my throat and leaves it red raw. My chest constricts and takes the wind right out of me. My legs buckle beneath me and bring me to my knees and the sob that leaves me is heartbreaking. I can't lose them, I've only had them for such a short time, not Ana, not Teddy. I will not allow this to happen. She is not leaving me.

Standing abruptly, I look around the room frantically in desperation for something to cling onto, something to prove that all of this isn't really happening, or at least a clue as to where she is. When nothing appears and the reality of all of this hits me hard, I know I have no way out of this, no way of changing any of this, no way of stopping it.

I feel the hurt, anger, and total frustration consume me and in one fluid motion I turn over my desk. Cursing myself and my stupidity I throw and destroy everything I can lay my hands on, but when the desperation and panic of all of this finally recedes, I instantly turn to stone. I feel the pain harden and shatter my entire soul and I know without my family... I have nothing... I am nothing.

I feel my legs about to give out from under me, so I slide down the nearest wall. My head falls into my hands, and the tears building in my eyes blind me. As the pain in my chest causes my throat to tighten I feel my tears fall. They're selfish undeserving tears, because I caused all of this.

My tears fall heavy for the wife I've lost, the son I've lost... The life I've lost... I realize painfully that even if I had of been with her yesterday, on our special day, it wouldn't of mattered, the damage was already done... I'd already lost her... Days Before.

A sob finally escapes my constricted throat and it was brought on by a lost chance. If only I could've said goodbye to them. I think of the last time I saw Ana, and the image and feel of her in my arms last night is burning it's self deep into my memory. It has too, it's all I have.

My tears fall freely and unhindered now as I realize that I did say goodbye... So did she. When she let me touch her, hold her close to me last night... The first time in days... That was her saying good bye to me. She knew then... What today would bring.

She's gone... I've lost them both.

I feel myself shutting down, eagerly an readily allowing the darkness in to ease this indescribable pain. I close my eyes and lift my head, letting it hit the wall behind me. I try to tune out Taylors loud voice penetrating the walls, but his alarmed and anxious tone has me straining my ears.

He's as hurt and frustrated as I am, because how can we find her? Where do we start? With no way of tracking her, tracing her, and not knowing where she's headed, she could be anywhere... How do we find her?

I close my eyes and block out the noise around me and allow myself to get lost in my own tormented head.

Some time later. The room is getting dark and it's cold. The stiffness in my body shouts to be eased, but I can't move. My eyes are on the untouched wall opposite, as they have been for the past god only knows how many hours. All I can do is stare at Ana's pictures, hoping it will bring me some type of comfort... But it doesn't come close. As my eyes shift and refocus and I take in the destruction of the room, I sigh heavily, because it's nothing, nothing compared to what I feel inside.

Every thing's gone... Nothing will ever be the same again.

What do I do without them? How do I sleep at night not knowing where they are, what they're doing? If they're at least warm and safe. What if something happens to them? She could have an accident, get robbed, hurt, anything. I need to find them, I need to bring them home.

I purposefully force myself to stay seated, as I hear Taylor still shouting in the next room, I know we still have nothing to go on. I have no where to go, no lead to chase, no ray of hope to follow.

I drop my head down to ease the stiffness in my neck, and feel my angry frustrated tears build and burn my eyes. In all the destruction of the room, one thing ironically remains untouched.

The papers that condemn me, lay poignantly unscathed between my feet. I pick up the divorce papers with an angry fist and without so much as glancing at them, I angrily rip them to shreds.

I will not divorce my wife... I can't... I love her to much. I can't let her go, I need her and our son... I need them to come home.

.