Chapter 10: I Am [Stripped] (Christina Aguilera)

In that moment, as we sat there, I allowed my walls to crumble.

I allowed myself to feel everything that was between us and it felt amazing.

"It's good to see you Santana. It's been awhile."

"Well...it's been two weeks."

"You came to me straight out of rehab and asked to see me three days a week, just like your therapist at the center suggested...which means that you have missed six appointments. So tell me, how are things?"

"I'm not sure really."

"What do you want to talk about today?"

"My father...today would have been his 50th birthday...he's been on my mind all week."

"Is that what brought you in?"

"No...Britt's back."

"Is that what happened to your lip?"

He sighed and then began to scribble in his notes.

"No...this was my son. I have learned a valuable lesson, never lean over a one year old who is in the midst of a tantrum."

"Ahh...I see."

"Things with Britt are better though...we are trying...since I last saw you...she's experienced this huge loss and now it's like she understands me better."

"Is she okay?"

"Yes...she's seeing two therapists and is back on her meds."

"And the guy she is with? How does he fit in?"

"He's gone...he got her pregnant, convinced her to have an abortion before disappearing and now she's super depressed about it."

"I can see why."

"She and I are working through our stuff, one day at a time but for now she's working on being a mom to our kids. Which is way more important to me than our romantic relationship."

"So tell me then, how did you come in because of Brittany but then end up wanting to talk about your dad?"

"The abuse."

"From Brittany or your dad?"

"Both. I am starting to wonder if I am drawn to these abusive types."

"What about Ariana or Ian? Or Quinn? Azimio or Noah?"

"Well...the thing is...I didn't go through with relationships with them. Just Marco and Brittany."

"So you think that you are addicted to settling down with the abusive type?"

"I think so."

"And why do you think that is?"

"It definitely stems back to my dad."

"Tell me more about him?"

"He was a surgeon. Member of Mensa, top scholar, man of few words, all action. He was self-made, loved hard and was loyal...to a fault."

"Okay...that's his public persona...tell me more about the man at home."

"Drunk, abusive, liar, manipulator, bully...addict. Like me."

"Why do you say that?"

"Replace the alcohol with cocaine and I just described myself."

I was in shock.

I had become my father.

"How?"

"Right down to hurting my kids. I snorted cocaine when I was pregnant with Isaac and I got high again knowing that I breastfeed when it came to Daniela and I knew that I'm supposed to preserve my milk. I have told countless lies to the people whom I profess to love, I was a bully in high school...the list is just endless!"

I was panicking.

I had a hand to my chest as I tried to force out a breath but my chest was way too tight.

"There's a clear difference between you and your father Santana. You got help and are still getting help. You have confronted your demons and are working on becoming who you want to be for you and for your children."

I sat in the car for a while after my session was over and tried to reconcile facts from my fears.

He was right...I had done something that Papi never would have done.

I had asked for help.

I was still afraid of who I was capable of becoming and I would do whatever I could to prevent that from happening.

"Sue and Tor have already left for cheer camp, it's early this year because since Sue has decided to restructure the whole way she runs her program. Apparently, Figgins wants her out as cheer coach and has put her on probation until the end of the school year. Do you mind if I stay with you?"

"You're always welcome...besides...it would be helpful if you could help pack up your room."

"Thanks Mami."

"You know that you don't have to ask...this is your home."

"Are you sure you want to move to Puerto Rico...it's your home too."

"It's been a long time coming, Santana. Hector and I are married now and with him retiring...we want to travel and see the world. We want to make our home where we were both born not here in your father's house."

"I understand that."

"I knew that you would, mija."

"But you're not going to sell it...right?"

"No...it's yours to keep or sell. I just think we need to pack up the place. Don't want to attract rodents or theives."

"Okay, you're right, Mami...see you in a few hours."

"Cuidate."

"Always."

I had thought that nothing could break Sue Sylvester, but that was while we were at school.

At home, things were different.

I was up in the middle of the night with Isaac who had a bad dream, which I didn't even know was possible at that age, and I heard her sobbing in her office.

Despite how tough she seemed, her job meant the world to her.

I didn't dare bother her but that moment right there, showed me that no one is as invincible as they seem.

I'm a huge believer in rituals and signs...you could say that I'm slightly superstitious...and I guess you would be right.

The moment that I heard her breakdown, I dropped to my knees and began to pray.

I had this feeling of impending doom since the day before and it still hadn't gone away.

God was warning me, I was sure of it.

When I woke up the next morning, Sue and Tor were already packed and eating breakfast before getting on the road.

Sue seemed her usual self but I could see the aura of sadness around her.

I didn't show that I knew that she had broke down, instead, I told them that I was leaving too.

Despite all my time in rehab and committing to being clean, I didn't trust myself to be alone in that house for any long period of time.

It was too much pressure.

So within one hour, I had packed up myself and the kids and had called Britt to come and move us to my mom's.

She was so excited to help me and even offered to take the kids for the day so that I could get some packing done.

I let her take Isaac since he was still grumpy from his nightmare and no one could calm him down and rein him in like Britt could.

I kept Daniela with me though, I just wanted to be close to her, to both of my kids actually but I knew that with the way that I was feeling, dealing with a grumpy one year old wasn't going to help.

What are you two up to?-San

Just bumming around the house.-Q

Want to help me pack up my room?-San

Is there food involved?-Q

Mami made those bacon fritters and I can order a pizza.-San

Deal...can I bring Rachel?-Q

More hands...faster packing...no sex!-San

Let it go already! :P-Q

Just get here.-San

Warm up my fritters...we are on the way!-Q

There is no limit to the amount of things I have learned to do while breastfeeding, so when I answered the front door for Quinn and Rachel while Daniela was latched on, Rachel smiled and Quinn grimaced.

She was horrified and it was insanely amusing as I she looked at Rachel before scowling at me.

"Must you do that out in the open, San?" Quinn asked as she stepped in and closed the door behind Rachel.

"It's so natural, Quinn. Don't be such a prude!" Rachel laughed as she leaned in and kissed Daniela's head.

"Seriously, Rach...you couldn't of maybe waited until the baby was a little further away from San's naked boob?"

"Oh come on, Quinn. It's not like I was going to shove the baby out of the way. You act like I was getting in line." Rachel said as she leaned in and kissed my cheek.

"Well, I do have another boob..."

I joked just so that I could watch Quinn turn red and yank Rachel out of the way and pull her towards the kitchen.

"Not funny San!"

"Oh Q, relax...we are all friends here."

"Yes and out of the four of us, you, me, Rachel, and Britt...you and Rachel are the only two who haven't slept together and I would like to keep it that way."

"Whoa...cool it Q, I am so not ready for that kind of thing and if I even wanted to go there...it wouldn't be with Rachel." I winked at her and then I turned and made my way up the stairs to my bedroom.

Santana 1, Quinn 0!

I put Daniela down in the nursery and headed into my bedroom with paper plates.

Quinn and Rachel were already eating straight out of the box.

I tossed the plates in their direction and headed towards the window.

"I'm going to start clearing out the treehouse. Listen out for Daniela and no sex!"

There was a lot of eye rolling but I was serious.

I climbed onto the ledge and hopped over onto the porch of the treehouse.

I had done this countless times and I couldn't imagine anyone else doing it.

In that moment I knew that I would never sell my childhood home.

I would keep it for summers and trips back to Lima.

Why sell? I didn't need the money.

I pushed open the door and looked around at the big indoor fort.

The sheets hadn't been down since I was a little girl.

I started at one end of the room and began to yank at the tacks.

What I found behind them...made me want to run even though I didn't.

I remained calm as I took down a sheet, folded it and placed it by the doorway.

I looked over at the window sill again just to make sure I was seeing things correctly before moving to the next wall.

Behind the second sheet on another window sill...same thing.

There was no doubt in my mind that Marco had been in here because these weren't here the last time I was up here.

I was on the final sheet now and wasn't surprised this time when I saw the ten bags of coke lining the window sill.

Three windows...thirty bags.

I don't know how I ended up on the floor hyperventilating...but that's how Rachel found me sometime later.

"Santana? What's wrong?"

I looked up at her as tears streaked down my cheeks and then looked towards the window closest to me.

I hadn't even dared to touch those bags.

Rachel immediately came and grabbed my arms so that she could help me stand.

The world was blurry as I tried to look down at her.

"I d-didn't...M-Marco..."

I tried to explain but ended up covering my mouth and nose, trying to slow down my breaths.

How had this happened?

"It's okay, just keep breathing. Let's get you back inside."

I nodded my head numbly and clenched tightly to Rachel's hand as we crossed back into my bedroom.

Quinn was going through my closet and making piles but froze when she saw me.

"What happened? What's wrong?"

"Marco left her a present. One that I think maybe we should let Hector take care of."

"You're kidding me, right?" Quinn stormed passed us and lept out of the window. "What the fuck!"

I heard her yell before stumbling back into the room looking dazed and pissed off.

I was sitting on the bed, gripping the edge and staring down at my shaking legs.

Even with rehab and everything, I was still weak.

My mind had seen it and even though I didn't want it...there was a darkness closing in.

"Quinn, call Hector and Gladys...I need...we need to go to a meeting."

Rachel was suddenly shoving shoes onto my feet and trying to hustle me out the door.

Her plan was to get me as far away from the cocaine as possible.

Which with the way I was feeling, was a really great plan.

I was grateful for the foresight that I had to call Quinn and Rachel to come over, I don't even want to think about how it would have been if I had been alone.

Alone with the drugs and the baby.

I don't know how I managed to make it just in time for a meeting but we got there just as it started and slipped into the back seats.

I was still taking harsh breaths but Rachel didn't let go of my hand.

She just sat there and rubbed my back between my shoulder blades and leaned her head on my shoulder.

"It's going to be okay...just breathe. You did a great job resisting the temptation."

I nodded and tried to pay attention to the leader of the group.

No matter what was happening around me, my mind kept going back to the treehouse.

My heart was racing until the leader asked if anyone wanted the floor.

I thought that Rachel would push me to talk but instead she stood up and smiled at the people around her, she gave my hand a final squeeze and then walked towards the front.

Even with her not being a drug addict, she was addicted to something and so her talking to this room full of people still served a purpose.

I was entranced as I watched her every movement.

"Hello, I'm Rachel and I'm an alcoholic."

"Welcome Rachel." The group said.

I watched her in awe, suddenly completely alert as she looked straight back at me.

"I have been sober for seven months. I never thought that this was where I would end up when I was a kid running around Lima performing and trying to be perfect. My fathers' sheltered me the best that they could and for the most part it worked. There aren't many people in my life that are brave enough to tell me no. Usually they try but eventually, I talk and argue until they relent...everyone except one person. She was going through her own addictions and problems and in high school she tortured me relentlessly. Yet, when I was on a downward spiral...she tried to get through to me and when I tried to argue it, she took me in and then she was the one to drop me off at rehab. I don't think...actually, I know for a fact that I would not be here if it weren't for her. I have always looked at her as this strong individual who could conquer the world with her sass and confidence. Little did I know that buried under all that rough exterior was a person that was just as damaged as me, maybe more so. Someone who had been through abuse and loss and survived. Today, I had the opportunity to return the favor and be there for the last person that I thought would ever take help from me and it strengthened my resolve to stay sober. I could stand here and tell you guys about how I caved under tremendous pressure once I left Lima and moved to New York but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that now that I am clean, I am doing my best to help others just like my friend helped me even when she had every reason in the world not to. I'm looking forward to hitting a year of sobriety...thanks to her."

I had my head down as my shoulders shook.

Her words had touched me.

The tears wouldn't fall completely but they were clogging up my nose and my throat.

I felt her hands on my shoulders just before she wrapped her arms around me.

Her words had gotten under my skin and were working their way into my heart.

Her testimony had stripped me raw and made me see myself in her eyes.

I had never been this openly vulnerable in a room full of strangers, not even in rehab.

I found that it didn't matter to me, what mattered, is that I had one more person to add to my network.

A true friend that I could trust.

Rachel fucking Berry.

I sat at the kitchen island and stared into my café as I breastfed Daniela.

Quinn had gone to pick up Brittany and Isaac and Rachel was sitting across from me quietly reading a book.

I had barely spoken and she seemed to be okay with that for now.

Mami and Padrino were both up in my treehouse with Felix, logging and dusting the bags for prints.

I guess they wanted to make sure that I hadn't put the bags there.

I wasn't offended.

My name was clear in this.

At least I thought it was.

I heard stomping coming down the steps and didn't realize that it was getting louder until my now teething baby bit down on my boob.

"Ow! Shit!" I moaned as I looked down at Daniela.

She had laughter in her eyes...she couldn't be doing it on purpose right?

"Santana!"

My head jerked up and I was met with my godfather's questioning eyes.

"Are you sure that you didn't put those bags up there?"

I looked at him in shock.

"Yes, I'm sure...I didn't even know that they were there, Pa...I swear to you!"

"The only prints on them are yours. Tell me the truth!"

My jaw dropped as he looked at me with more anger than I have ever seen from him.

I turned from him and pulled the baby off my boob since Pa's yelling had her gnawing down on my poor nipple.

"Rachel...can you...take her, burp her? Do you mind?"

"Of course, no problem!" Rachel happily took Daniela from the room and left me with both my mother and her new husband down my throat.

"Pa, I didn't know. If they were mine, I wouldn't have called you, willingly. I would have just gotten rid of them myself. I'm not lying."

I stood to my shaky feet and looked up at him straight in the eyes.

Mami believed me.

I could see it in her face as she lightly rubbed Pa's arm and whispered to him.

"Amor, she's not lying...is there some other way maybe?"

He took a deep breath and looked at my mother with calm eyes.

"With Marco Vega, I don't doubt it. I just...I had to make sure. I can't put my reputation on the line...I'm retired. I'm supposed to be done with this!"

"I'm sorry, Padrino. I'm so fucking sorry."

I stood there looking at him, one of the only father figures that I had left and tried to be strong as he stared me down one last time.

He knew that I was being honest but I could tell that he was just pissed to be in this position at all.

And I didn't blame him.

Here is the clear difference between, Papi and Padrino.

Papi would be drunk by now and would have already grabbed me by my hair and thrown me clear across the floor.

Padrino on the other hand nodded and then walked slowly over to me and opened his arms.

I admit that I flinched when I saw his hands raise but then I realized that it was a gesture of love and I fell into his arms.

"I'm sorry, that I was so accusatory, mija, it's just...you have lied to me before."

My head was buried against his chest but I could hear him clearly, I nodded in agreement but didn't speak.

He was right.

I just didn't want him to not trust me.

But that was something that I had to build.

"I understand."

"Now that you have reassured me that you had no hand in any of this, I feel like we are just going to have to not log this. Right Felix?"

I was in shock.

Not report it?

I looked over at Felix who he smiled at me and winked.

"If this can stay between us...then...I can just dispose of it. Marco's dead...there's nothing that can be done."

I stepped out of Pa's arms and walked over to Felix and put my hands on his shoulders.

His dark eyes flickered and he smiled at me.

It was probably the first time that I willingly touched him since he had me bent over in the backseat of his cop car.

He had meant a lot to me at one point and I had really hurt him.

But here he stood.

"Thank you so much, Felo...for this...shit...I owe you big for this!"

"No you don't...just stay clean. Okay? You've got too much going for you." I nodded and pulled him in for a hug.

"Thank you!"

That night, as I sat in the nursery staring at my sleeping kids, with Britt sleeping in the next room...I suddenly was thinking of Enda...was she still sitting in a cell?

What a charmed life I had to be able to get off so easy.

I couldn't go on that way...not without doing something about it.

I made my way down to the kitchen and even though it was the middle of the night, there was Mami sitting at the island looking through some case work.

"Cafe is on the stove." she said as she thumbed through the pages.

I nodded and poured myself a cup before sitting across from her.

"Why aren't you in bed?" she asked as I sipped the best café in the world.

"I couldn't sleep."

"It's a curse...all the women on my side of the family are night owls. You have been this way since you were a baby and from what I can see, my nieta is going to be the same way."

"I hope not...Daniela needs to learn that night time is for Mami. She has to get this late sleep thing under control."

"Don't hold your breath!" Mami chuckled as she raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"Mami...can I ask you something?"

As a kid, my mother would have just nodded and continued to do whatever she was doing while pretending to listen.

These days she had put more stock and value into our relationship, so she shoved the papers to the side, readjusted her glasses and looked at me as I spoke.

"What's on your mind, mija?"

"Do you remember when I was at Rikers and I met that woman...another Brenda Lopez?"

"Yes...I looked into her case."

"Do you know what happened to her?"

"Of course."

"Can you tell me?"

"While you were in rehab...and I was still in New York, me and Hector had just gone to the Justice of the Peace. We were married all of five minutes, when I saw the girl walking with the public defender looking so defeated. I recognized her from her case file. I knew that you would come to me and ask so I talked to some people. Her case got thrown out, lack of evidence. She's living in Staten Island with her daughter...last I checked."

"How do you know all that?"

"Because...I'm nosy just like you are! Ha...I went to go see her. To introduce myself...I paid her legal fees and gave her my card if she got into any trouble."

"Wow."

"I could tell that she got to you, mija...I know that if you could have helped her you would have. You have always been a good judge in character...believe it or not. The people who you have around you are a good indication of that, the bad people were put in your life...you had no control over them."

"You really think so?"

"Si, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."

"I'm really sorry about earlier...I had no idea that stuff was there."

"Let it go. I don't want to hear about it. Marco has done so much to hurt you and this family and I would really like to forget him."

"Me too...but it's not that easy for me. If you knew all the things he put me through...if you could imagine how I lived...you would understand why I lost it."

"Do you want to tell me?"

That wasn't the response that I was expecting.

"Seriously?"

"Yes. I am partly responsible for him being in your life and so I would like you to tell me everything when you are ready. I deserve to know what a part of you is holding me and your father accountable for."

"I forgave you Mami...you followed him...he was your husband."

"And you are my child. I should have stood by you. It's one of my greatest mistakes. I stopped protecting you the moment you could walk and talk on your own. As a mother...you will someday see the errors that you have made...however small, reflected in your children. I don't wish it on you but it happens to everyone. Susan gave Brittany everything she wanted...she raised her the best she could...never laid a hand on her...and Brittany still ended up failing. Same thing with Judy...she did everything for Quinn and she went off and got pregnant. The Berries...they doted on Rachel and she still ended up in rehab. As parents we do our best and hope that we don't screw up our children too much, but it's going to happen. It's how you deal with it that sets you apart as a good parent or not."

"Do you think that I'm going to screw up my kids?"

"It doesn't matter what I think. I mean...you are already blaming yourself for the stupid things that you've done...like the drugs while you were pregnant...then nearly overdosing. I mean, mija, you have had a hard couple of years but you are so much stronger than your father or I ever was."

"You really mean that?"

"With all of my heart. I'm so proud of who you are fighting to become."

And there it was...the words that I had been dying to hear all of my life from my parents.

It filled a part of me that I had long since forgotten about.

I looked at my mother and felt the tears dry as I smiled at her.

"I'm proud of you too, Mami."

This time she looked at me in shock...and knowing how much I wanted that very thing from my own children, I finally realized that our parents want us to be proud of them too.

"For what?"

"You realized the problem between us and you are trying so hard to fix it. You have been more of my mother in the last year than in my whole life and I'm so grateful because even though we had that one episode...which you told me to never mention again...I don't think I would have made it through all this stuff without you by my side. I'm so happy that you are my mother."

"And you'll tell me about all the things that happened that summer?"

"When the time is right...when I can handle it...yes."

I climbed the steps side by side with Mami, holding hands and thinking about all that had just transpired between us.

We had reached a new level of our relationship and had mended some old scars.

I hugged Mami and then quietly crept into my bedroom which was pointless because there Britt sat waiting for me, wide awake with her nose in a book.

"You're awake?"

"I woke up and you weren't here...I figured that you and Gladys were downstairs having coffee...so I waited."

I kicked off my slippers and climbed into bed next to her.

She smiled and put the book down before reaching and clicking off the lamp.

"Thanks for staying with me tonight, B."

"Thanks for asking me to stay. Do you mind if I hold you?"

"Do you mind if I hold you?" I whispered back.

"Really?" she was shocked.

This wasn't a common occurrence.

Usually it was her spooning me but I felt the need to comfort her.

I knew that she hadn't been sleeping, Susan told me that she had been up dancing through the nights and sleeping in the daytime.

"Please?" I asked again.

She didn't respond but shifted in the bed and backed up against me.

That was all the answer that I needed, as I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face against the back of her neck.

"Ana?"

"Yes, B?"

"I know that we are taking it slow...but do you think...would you mind holding me like this until I go back to New York?" she whispered shyly.

"I would be honored."

After that, she fell right to sleep in moments and stayed tucked against me through the night.

She was back at home in my arms and felt safe again.

I felt so raw as I held her close to me.

Back in high school, I would have forced her to stay up and listen to me rant about all the shit that was fucked up in my life but right now...I felt so taken care of by the people around me that I felt like I could fully focus on taking care of Britt.

She needed me more than I had realized.

Every time that she was pulling away from me, she was wishing that I would draw her closer.

If you're rejected enough you forget to ask to be held, to be loved, to be cared for.

The past two years had been all about me and not really about us.

But now that I have a clearer understanding of who I am...I can better become who I want to be.

A/N: Battling an unending cold but I had to get this out for you guys so that I can rest this weekend. Enjoy!