Yes, I know. Everyone's in the hospital! See, what happened was that due to writers block, I used the time I would have devoted to working on the story to catching up on all the General Hospital that I'm backlogged on. Anyway, it may have influenced me just a touch. This chapter has less hospital and more story advancement. Yay!
Also, thanks for being so patient with me on the no updating thing. Things were really going to hell in a hand basket for a while and I didn't have time to sleep, let alone write. Things are getting back to normal now, so my fingers are crossed that I can get this story back on track.
Ch. 10
Trying hard not hear but they talk so loud
Puck pulled up outside Rachel's house and watched as she opened the front door and stepped outside. He knew what was coming next. Her morning ritual. She would turn and lock the front door, place the key carefully back in the inside pocket of her purse, zip the pouch, zip the purse, run her right hand through her hair, and square her shoulders before striding down the walk to his truck. Puck smiled. Every morning. He had it memorized.
Once she reached his truck, she would place her bag on the floor, hop in the cab, fasten her seat belt, lock the door, then lean over for their first kiss of the morning. Everything proceeded as usual until Puck realized that he was the only one leaning. Rachel was sitting bold upright in the passenger seat looking out the windshield with her hands primly folded in her lap.
Ok. Not the way he wanted to start the day, but he might as well get the talk out of the way before they left for school. He had hoped to have more caffeine in his system before he tacked this issue, but so be it. He picked up one of the coffees in his drink holder and handed it to Rachel. She took it without looking at him, murmuring her thanks. Puck picked up the other cup and took a bracing sip while he regarded Rachel. She wasn't going to make this easy on him. He sighed heavily and decided to take the plunge.
"I think we should talk about last night." He stopped waiting for a response.
"To which part of last night are you referring?" Rachel continued to stare out the windshield and sip her coffee.
Uh-oh. She's using her snooty voice. Puck shook his head. That was a sure sign that she was hurt by what he had said.
"You know to which part I'm referring, but let me refresh your memory. The part where you asked me to make love to you." Again he paused, waiting for a response.
"Ah. The part where you refused." He heard the catch in her voice and felt his heart ache in response.
"Rach, don't make it sound like that. " He couldn't stand to see her sad. He reached out to take her hand, but she avoided him by pretending to tuck some hair behind her ear.
"How should I make it sound? I was ready to give myself to you. Completely. And you rejected it. How else should it sound?" She finally looked over at him and he saw the pain and uncertainty in her eyes. He hated that he had put that look there.
"I didn't reject it. I didn't reject you. There wasn't time for me to explain with Santana and everything, but…" Puck heard himself trail off lamely. You're doing a piss poor job of this Puckerman, grow some balls and do something!
"You said it wasn't enough for you. I think you made yourself perfectly clear." She was back to looking out the windshield.
"You are right it wasn't enough for me." Puck saw her spine stiffen when he spoke those words. He knew what she was thinking, but he needed to get her attention so that she would really hear what he had to tell her. Emotional declarations weren't his style, so he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to give a repeat performance if she wasn't listening.
"Rachel. Look at me." He waited until her eyes were on him, then he put his coffee back in the cup holder and did the same with hers, before continuing. "I have been with a lot of women. I'm not going to lie about that. I've had sex probably a hundred times. And do you know how many times actually mattered to me?"
He saw Rachel shake her head slightly. "Not one. I never cared about any of those women. I was trying to; I don't even know what I was trying to do with them. Pretend that someone cared? I don't know. But listen when I tell you this. I have never. Ever. Felt like this about another person in my life. I love you. Those aren't empty words when I say them, Rach." He reached out to take her hand again, and this time she didn't stop him.
"Everything I am is yours. I can't make love to you without knowing that you'll be making love to me, too. When we are finally together, it's going to be a first for me, too. I've never done these things out of love before and I want you to be my first for that. Does that…. Does that even make any sense? God, I'm such a girl." He closed his eyes and let his head bang against the steering wheel.
When all he heard was silence, he wanted to die of embarrassment. This was what comes of opening up to someone. Humiliation.
"That makes complete sense." Her voice was so soft Puck thought that he imagined it for a moment. "You have no idea how much. And it makes me feel about two inches tall for being so selfish. "
"You're not selfish" He picked his head up off the steering wheel and looked at her, his eyes pleading for understanding. "You just can't possibly imagine how much I love you. How much you mean to me. You pulled me out of a really black place, Rach. Before you, nothing mattered to me really. I had dreams and hopes, but I was starting to operate on autopilot. If it weren't for you, I don't know…" His voice trailed off and he realized he didn't have any words to tell her how he felt.
"Oh, Noah." Rachel scooted across the seat to put her arms around him. "You have no idea how much you mean to me, too. You're my knight in shinning armor. I would be so lost without you." They stayed there holding on to each other for minutes that felt like hours - or maybe it was hours that felt like minutes.
"Ok, enough with the self-pity." Puck reluctantly pulled himself from Rachel's arms. "We need to get to school. Unless you want to ditch for a serious make-out session." Puck waggled his eyebrows at Rachel.
"You are incorrigible!" She swatted him playfully and rested her head on his shoulder as he put the truck in drive.
"Finn. What's up?" Puck shut his locker and swung a play punch at Finn's shoulder.
"I feel like I'm walking through a fishbowl. There's a lot to be said for home schooling, ya' know?" Finn scratched his head and shot a glare at some freshman who were whispering and pointing.
"I've been looking into it myself. How you feeling?" Dread curled around his stomach as he waited for Finn's answer. He was still feeling super guilty about putting Finn in this position in the first place. The longer he kept quiet, the worse things got.
"Better. And I have to tell you that the crap they try to pass off on you in the hospital is way worse than cafeteria food. Go figure." Finn shot Puck a crooked smile and the dread in Puck's belly lessened a bit.
"Makes you look forward to sloppy joe day, huh?" Feeble as jokes went, but what else was he going to say to the boy who got his face bashed as a result of Puck's idiocy.
"Yeah, kinda. Quinn's supposed to be coming home from the hospital today." Finn shut his locker and shifted nervously.
"Oh, yeah?" Was it imagination or did Finn look like he was about to shit himself?
"Yeah. She wants to 'talk' after school." Finn cleared his throat and shifted some more.
"She say about what?" Oh god. Was she going to tell him? Puck kind of felt like shitting himself right now, too.
"Naw. I have to say it makes me a bit nervous." Feeble attempt at a smile from Finn.
Puck managed to unglue his tongue from his mouth, which had gone unaccountably dry and managed, "Just make sure there are no music stands around and you should be fine."
The boys shared a nervous laugh and headed to class.
"Hey gorgeous." Puck slid his arms around Rachel as she stood at her locker. He was going to tell her. He was. Right now. He had to. She had to hear it from him before Quinn told anyone. It would be a shitstorm, but infinitely better than if she heard the news from someone else.
"Hey". Her smile lit her face and warmed him like the sun on a spring day as she turned to face him. Yup. He was going to tell her right this second if he could only get his mouth to cooperate.
"Have you heard anything about Santana? Noah? NOAH?" He felt Rachel nudging him and abruptly came back to reality.
"Wha? Uh. No, not yet. According to her mom she's still the same. Hasn't woken up yet." Tell her. Tell her now!
"Should we go visit her tomorrow?" Rachel shut her locker and took his hand.
"Yeah. Yeah, we should absolutely do that." Damn, he was such a chicken shit.
Santana couldn't remember much after being launched in the air. She thought she woke up for a few minutes but everything was so fuzzy that she couldn't focus. She heard someone crying and saw a lot of white. Everything smelled funny, too.
The first clear memory she had was Artie. She opened her eyes and everything was clear for the first time in she wasn't sure how long. He was parked in the corner of the room looking at some sort of book or something.
"Artie? What are you doing here? And also, where the hell am I?" Her hand went to her hair automatically. Oh god! I must look awful!
"Santana?" Artie's attention snapped away from the guitar magazine he had been reading to her in an instant. "You're awake! I should call someone." He began to wheel himself to the door.
"No!" The imperious tone in her voice froze him in place. "You're not going anywhere until you tell me what you're doing here and where the hell …here is." She gestured vaguely at the white walls and super awesome 80's watercolors that adorned the walls.
"Ok," he said slowly. "I'm here to visit you while you mom gets something to eat and 'here' is the hospital."
This took a moment to process. "The hospital? Why am I in the hospital?" Although that would explain all these wires and the K-mart special sheets I'm laying on. What is this, .2 thread count?
Artie cleared his throat and looked at her intently before replying. "You were at cheer practice and I guess something went wrong with one of the stunts. They threw you and you fell. Hard." He cleared his throat again and seemed to be choosing his words very carefully. "You've been out for a couple of days."
"The basket. It was off. I remember. God, could they have put me in a more uncomfortable position here? This bed feels like rocks. "Santana squirmed for a minute. Some thing was wrong. Other than her being in a gross bed wearing a heinous gown and feeling like she hadn't bathed for years. Her legs weren't working.
Oh my GOD. Her legs weren't working.
Her eyes widened in alarm and she looked to Artie.
"Artie, what's going on? Why can't I move?" Panic was starting to set in. She could feel it clawing at the edges of her consciousness.
She watched Artie shift uncomfortably. "Maybe I should call your mom back from the cafeteria." There was hesitation in his voice.
"No." The panic was gaining more and more. "I asked you a question. I want an answer. Why can't I move?"
He shook his head and looked at the floor. "Santana. I think the doctor would be better prepared to answer…"
Panic was crawling up her throat now. "I want you to explain it. What. Is. Wrong. With. Me."
She watched him let his breath out slowly and look her in the eye for the first time since she had woken. It may have even been for the first time ever. "When you fell, you fractured your pelvis and several vertebrates. You're paralyzed from the waist down right now. It may be permanent. The doctors have to reevaluate once the swelling goes down some." Artie looked at her apprehensively.
Santana sat in shock for a moment. The she felt a very inappropriate response to this news building. She tried to force it down, but somehow it kept rising in her chest. A giggle escaped her lips. Then another. Before she knew it she was laughing to hard that she was crying. Am I loosing my mind? I wonder if this is how Quinn felt before she lost it at Glee practice.
Rachel was propped up on Puck's bead looking through one of his engineering magazines. "I don't understand how you can read these. They're so boring." She wrinkled her nose in distaste and let the magazine drop.
"Well, I don't understand how you can read 'Playbill' and all of those other theater magazines until you have each issue memorized," He replied as he crawled onto the bed next to her. "Somehow you manage to make it sexy, though," now he was nibbling her neck and enjoying her try to squirm away from him as she giggled.
"You say that about everything I do Noah," she was still trying to get away from him. He stopped his nibbling and held onto her more firmly.
"That's because it's true." He laid his head on her shoulder. "Let's go for a walk."
"What?" Rachel sat up half laughing for this total non-sequitur. "Really? It's freezing!"
"Yeah, but then we can come back and snuggle. I'll even watch South Pacific with you again." Puck pulled out all the stops and made his puppy dog eyes at her. It worked every time.
"Ok, but only if there is hot chocolate involved." She sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. Yes! Score again for the eyes.
"I think I can swing that." He grinned as he pulled her to her feet. He snagged two sweat shirts from his closed and pulled the first down over Rachel's head, effectively plastering her long hair to her face.
"Honestly, Noah! I'm capable of dressing my self. Much more so than you, apparently." She shoved her arms through the sleeves and pulled her hair free of the shirt.
"Sorry. Most of the time when I'm thinking about you and clothes, it's how to take them off of you, not how to put them on." He snagged her around the waist and planted a kiss on her nose.
Rachel swatted at him and rolled up the sleeves of the shirt. "Where are we going?"
"The park, I guess. I just want to spend some time with my girl." And work up the courage to tell you. God! He was so sounding like the sound track to Rent.
They had circled the park three times and Puck still hadn't managed to make his mouth form the words. He could imagine himself saying it. It was very clear in his mind. Rach, I love you but I have to tell you something that is going to hurt you. Probably a lot. I am the father of Quinn's baby. I have wanted to tell you for months but have been way too much of a pansy.
There, see? Easy as pie. But somehow every time he started to tell her, his tongue felt like it was coated in saw dust and he found himself talking about something weird and unrelated. Like his obsession with 'Hong Kong Phooey'. Fan-frickin-rific.
Finally, finally he opened his mouth and he felt the words starting to come. And then the sky, which had been dark and threatening all day, opened up and started pouring rain all over them. Shit!
He watched Rachel's face, which had been serious, mirroring his, change into disbelief, then to startled laughter. She grabbed his hand and then they were running and laughing, jumping in puddles like happy children. Rachel turned to look at him, her wet hair swinging around her face, her smile bright and care free. He had never seen her look so beautiful. Finally breathless, the arrived hand in hand on his front porch. He had to try several times to unlock the door because he was so cold he was shaking.
He finally managed it on his third attempt and they tumbled into the house, banging the door shut behind them still laughing.
"C'mon. I need to get you into some dry clothes before you freeze. He pulled her up the stairs and into his room. He began to pull clothes out of his dresser. "Let me get you some sweats and you can shower if you…"
" Noah." He turned to look at her and felt his heart leap. There was something about the way she was looking at him. Oh God.
"I have to tell you something. I just realized it. Just realized it, but it's been so all along. Ever since that day in the auditorium. I've been so stupid. Noah…" She was breathless and looking at him in wonder.
He knew what she was going to say. He could see it radiating out of her like he summer sun. And he couldn't let her say it. It wasn't fair. He couldn't let her speak until he told her about the baby.
"Rachel stop. Please stop. Don't say anything yet. I have to tell you something first. You might change your mind after you hear it." He swallowed once and then let it all out. Everything he wanted to say for months. How he was mad at Finn for joining Glee; how he had gotten drunk thinking that would solve something; how Quinn showed up as angry as he was; how much he wanted the baby; how Quinn threatened him with telling everyone it was rape to silence him. All of it.
As he spoke, he saw the joy fade out of her face, but she didn't speak and she didn't move. When he was finally done, she still hadn't moved.
"Rachel? Please say something." He was holding his breath and he swore he could feel time slow down.
He watched as she turned and ran. She was so graceful, her hair fanning out behind her, turning almost as thought she were in ballet class. He couldn't seem to make a move to stop her. Then he heard, from what seemed like a great distance, the front door slam and her car start.
When he heard her drive away, his knees buckled and he found himself on the floor. He knew what was coming. He knew the symptoms. He was about to do something that he hadn't done since the day his father had left. Puck dropped his head into his hands and cried.