Chapter 10

January 14th, 1992

Dear friend,

So it turns out teenagers are fickle creatures. Mary Elizabeth couldn't even remember she was mad at me, which meant in turn, that Alice wasn't either. I'm not too bothered about Ponytail Derek either way, and Sam, well, she was a little harder to crack.

She didn't say much to me for a whole three days, which is a long time for Sam to not say anything. I, being an adult about the situation, pretended I was still ignoring her, even though I wasn't really, because when I thought about it she couldn't help if Charlie liked her. I still think she shouldn't have kissed him and said she loved him though, because it messes things up, and Charlie's messy enough as it is.

On the third day we were both sitting downstairs watching Saturday Night Live with our parents, and there was this really funny clip, and I caught her looking at me to see if I was laughing. Every time I looked back at her she'd flick her eyes away like she couldn't care less but I knew she'd given up being mad by that point. Charlie was okay so there wasn't anything much to worry about. (I mean, I say he was okay, but when I went round to check on him he'd shaved half of his hair off and he looked dog tired with those red rimmed eyes. Seriously, they were like those cartoon eyeballs you can get in joke shops. I didn't even know real people could actually look like that. I said he looked 'Chic' which made him smile. Charlie was still in there, somewhere.

Anyway, even without the eye contact from Sam I knew I was forgiven. Then she sidled up to me during one of my morning cigarette breaks at school, and bummed a fag, and I knew the war was over.

"Oh God that Mr Callahan knows how to drag out a morning" I told her, yawning.

"You should feel lucky, at least you don't have to sit there and listen to Mrs Wilson ramble on about her Osteoporosis. I swear if she uses brittle bones as an excuse for not getting off her arse one more time I'll scream"

I chuckled at that one.

"So, look, I'm sorry about blaming you for Charlie, it wasn't your fault" I admitted weakly.

"Your damn right it wasn't my fault" She said indignantly, slapping my arm playfully.

"I guess I'm sorry for getting annoyed at you too. I doubt Craig would have appreciated you running in to tell us that anyway"

I nodded slightly, inhaling deeply on my cigarette. As I looked up I saw Charlie staggering towards us, wearing the suit I had bought him for Secret Santa

"Looking sharp Charlie"

"Can I have a cigarette?" He gasped quickly. I was about to open up my packet when Sam stepped between us

"What's wrong Charlie?"

He started speaking really quickly, and disjointedly, about all these things he'd looked up about LSD and the brain and dragons and his hair and the snow and new years.

"So you had a bad trip?" I asked casually, trying to play it down.

Then Sam put her arm around his shoulder, and I bit my tongue as she calmed him down, because actually, although Sam wasn't good for him in some ways (like the fact he wanted to be more than her friend) she was amazing for him in other ways (Like helping him to steady his mind). Then she had the audacity to take one of my cigarettes and handed it to him. I widened my eyes at her sheer nerve, and then grumpily put the pack back in my pocket. Oh sure, it's okay for her to give him a cigarette.

It took a while for Charlie to calm down, his hands shook and he looked all skinny and sweaty in the suit, like he hadn't slept. Finally something Sam said made him laugh, and I did a nervous laugh, mainly because I was relieved. Once he was calm Charlie darted back towards the school building. He's not a slacker like me and Sam, he actually likes to sit and listen to the long, drawn out speeches from the teachers. Particularly this one English teacher, Bill, who Charlie talks about, usually when he's defending some book. He does not like it when people slate Bill's books.

I took a deep breath, because the next bit was going to be tough.

"Listen, Sam, about what I said, about Charlie, and the kiss..."

"I know, Patrick." She said, cutting me short.

I eyed her up

"I shouldn't have done it. It was just, I told him all the stuff about my dad, and his boss, and he just listened like it didn't make me some sort of slut or, or changed me at all. It was so comforting. Then when he said he'd never been kissed before, I just felt like I owed him that, and I do love him Patrick"

"Look, Sam, I know" I held my hand up to stop her before she really went off on one and started crying on me or anything. "I do, and he is a really, freakishly good listener. But the thing is, he's not, alright? You know? I mean, I didn't really see it at first, not even after you told me that stuff about Michael. I just thought it was something he needed to get over, but it's more than that. With Charlie, I don't think he was ever any different, not even when Michael was still alive. It's like his brain is wired differently you know? I think that's what makes him so different, why he can listen and understand all these things. I mean, I hardly get some of the stuff he comes out with and he's still 3 years younger than me. It's brilliant because without it he wouldn't be Charlie, but it's not at the same time you know? Like the LSD and the kissing and that sort of stuff. It's no good for him."

"I know" she whispered, and she got this sad, faraway look in her eye.

Then I put my arm around her, because maybe she had wanted to kiss Charlie for other reasons, and perhaps she had good reason for keeping a distance. All I really know is the look on her face when I'd told her he was in hospital. Or the way she had put her arm around him and told him to stare at the smoke, or the way her face looked right now.

Love always,

Patrick