I uploaded this early for all of you because you're so wonderful~ (:
Also, I changed my pen-name, so it's now "Kakkujapojat". Uber random, google translate helped. I think it sounds cool, ja?
I also have a poll up on my profile now (I meant to put it up earlier but forgot I'd wanted it there), so feel free to leave your vote, either before or after you read this chapter!
Kapitel 10
Chapter 10
Impuls
"Impulse"
Impulsion
Mello was still asleep in Matt's lap when he woke up the next morning, and for a minute, Matt simply stayed where he was; eyes closed, holding the other boy close as he had been the previous night. His neck was slightly stiff from the way he'd fallen asleep, and he moved a little to be more comfortable. The blond seemed to be sound asleep, his deep breathing the only sound in the room. Matt listened for a while, slightly relaxed by the presence of the other boy. He honestly wanted nothing more than to lay there and go back to sleep for a few more hours. However, his growing hunger refused to allow him that sanctity. Carefully, he moved Mello over to lay beside him and pulled himself off of the couch. It was only eight o'clock, plenty early enough for breakfast, so he headed towards the kitchen.
Alex was already present when he arrived in the kitchen, eating a Pop-tart and drinking a soda; a combination -had it been anyone else- that Matt would have been proud of.
"Hey," the blond said, glancing up as Matt entered and went over to the pantry to get a snack, since he didn't feel like cooking.
Matt didn't reply as he took a seat across from the other boy, unwrapping his own Pop-tart and opening the soda he'd grabbed from the fridge.
It was obvious that his cold attitude annoyed the other boy, or even possibly bothered him. "So you're not going to talk to me, is that it? Just ignore me and pretend I'm not here?" Alex questioned, watching Matt carefully.
"That's the plan," Matt replied, still not looking up. Actually, it hadn't been the plan until just then, when Alex had mentioned it.
Alex sighed. "Can't we just put the past behind us?" he almost pleaded.
"I can't just forget something like that, you know," the redhead replied icily.
"Please," Alex said. "I want to talk to you again. Like we used to, you know?" He said quietly, and kept his eyes focused on his hands this time.
"Whatever." Matt shrugged.
Rolling his eyes, Alex simply attempted to change the subject. "How's Mello? He seemed pretty upset last night."
"He's fine. It was just a nightmare," Matt replied nonchalantly.
"Matt, we both know that it wasn't 'just a nightmare'," Alex said knowingly.
Matt glanced up at Alex, despite himself. "What do you know?"
"I know what goes on with his mother, alright?" the other boy said, as though it was no big deal.
"He told you?" Matt asked incredulously.
"Yes, he told me," Alex answered calmly. "Does that surprise you?"
"Kind of."
"He's told me a lot of things, actually," Alex said offhandedly, picking imaginary dirt from under his black-painted fingernails.
"Really. Like what, per se?" Matt inquired, reluctant to believe such a thing.
"Like the fact that you won't have sex with him," Alex replied, popping another bit of Pop-tart in his mouth.
"It that what he told you?"
"Personally, I'm curious as to why you refuse. You practically begged for it when you and I were dating," Alex said, a small smile curling at the corners of his mouth.
"It's none of your business," Matt replied snappishly, giving the other boy a harsh glare.
"Whatever." Alex mimicked Matt's indifferent shrug. "Just wondering." He pouted. "You could be a little nicer, you know."
"Shut up," Matt replied, shaking his head. "...and I did not beg for it," he muttered.
Alex finished the rest of his breakfast and threw the wrapper in the trashcan nearby. "So what's up with this Emil kid yesterday, anyway?" he questioned. "I know he likes him, but is he like, Mello's ex-boyfriend or something?"
Matt cringed at the mere thought of Emil and Mello ever dating, and he took a quick drink of his soda to cover up his reaction. "No, he's not," he replied, a little too forcefully. "They're just friends."
"I see..." Alex nodded. "But...Emil likes him?" he asked again.
"Yeah," Matt sighed.
"And Mello knows this?"
"Yeah, he knows. Why?" Matt asked.
Alex shrugged. "Just curious."
"About what, exactly?" Matt wondered, his brow furrowing slightly.
"Well, I don't know... I mean, it seems they've been friends for a while. You'd think he would've chosen him, you know?" Alex said, then shrugged again. "No big deal."
Matt rolled his eyes, not particularly wanting to get involved in an explanation. "Mello didn't come out until camp last year. It wasn't until then that he found out Emil liked him. And by that time..." he trailed off, and Alex finished the sentence for him.
"...you two were already...'together', right?"
"Yeah, pretty much. Mello felt really bad about not being able to feel the same way about Emil, but he still stayed friends with him."
"He's cute," Alex commented nonchalantly, taking another sip from his soda.
"Emil?" Matt half-snorted.
Alex shrugged. "Sure, why not? He reminds me of a young Bill Kaulitz."
Matt blinked a couple times, and raised an amused eyebrow. "...right."
"So...do you two get along?"
"Eh."
Alex smiled. "I see. Rivalry, non?"
"Mostly about stuff that happened at camp. I don't think he ever quite forgave me for 'stealing' Mello away from him. Not to mention we got into a huge argument in the camp dining hall that ended with him screaming loud enough for everyone to hear that he was in love with Mello. Which...pretty much screwed him over," Matt explained.
"Ouch. That would suck," Alex replied. "So did they know that you -uh- liked guys?" he remarked, looking at Matt over the rim of his soda can.
Matt shifted somewhat uncomfortably in his chair. "It's a long story."
Alex smiled politely and folded his hands in front of him on the table. "I have plenty of time."
"What makes you think I want to tell you everything?" Matt retorted, glaring the other boy's way. He blushed when he realized that he'd pretty much given Alex the complete recite of the events at camp, without even meaning to. He silently cursed himself for being so vulnerable that he was actually tricked into talking to the other boy.
Despite Alex's best efforts to cover his reactions, Matt could tell that this comment hurt him. "Fine," he shrugged. "I just wondered."
"I don't need you prying into my life, thank you," Matt said sharply, sending a steady gaze the other boy's way. "You don't have a right to know anything." Matt wasn't quite sure why he kept being so mean, when he'd already clearly made his point that he didn't want to talk to Alex. He just kept spewing harsh comments, without even thinking about it.
"It wasn't my intention to pry," Alex said softly, with a certain air of irritation in his voice as his gaze faltered to his hands again. "I just wondered how you'd been, since..." he trailed off.
"Since you dumped me after my parents died," Matt deadpanned briskly.
Alex gave him a pleading look and shook his head. "Why do you have to make everything so black and white?"
"I don't see any other way to look at it," Matt replied tartly. "That's what happened."
"You know, I didn't do it out of the pure meanness of my heart. I had reasons," Alex informed him.
"Yeah. You were a completely selfish bastard who only cared about himself. I figured that out," Matt said in a clipped tone.
Alex suddenly stood up from the table, his hands clenched into fists. "You know what!" he said, raising his voice for the first time since he'd been speaking to Matt. "Stop acting like you're the only one who has problems! You think the whole world should feel sorry for you because your parents died, and I broke up with you, but you know what? There are kids out there with lives ten times worse than yours! At least you still have a home, and an uncle -family!- that loves you and cares what happens to you! You have it a lot better than a lot of people, so just stop the fucking pity act already!"
Too stunned to reply, Matt simply sat in his seat, staring at the other boy in disbelief, his brain too shocked to even form words to retaliate. Alex spared him the task, however, when he promptly stalked out of the room without another word.
XxX
Mello appeared a few minutes after Alex had disappeared, and stopped in the kitchen doorway when he saw Matt sitting at the kitchen table, spinning fruit from the basket in the middle for amusement.
"Something wrong?" he asked curiously, walking over and running a hand affectionately through Matt's hair.
"Nothing," Matt replied, almost monotone.
"Why won't you talk to me?" he asked softly, gently stroking the side of the other boy's face with the back of his hand.
For a minute, Matt almost felt bitter enough to reject the affection and direct all the anger he still felt after his conversation with Alex at the other boy. However, the feeling of Mello's hand brushing against his skin stopped him, and he closed his eyes, enjoying the warm feeling that spread throughout his body. He found himself relaxing as Mello's hand moved down to his neck, causing a small shiver to run through Matt. "I'm just stressed," he said softly, which was pretty much the truth anyway. He was stressed. About Alex, about his uncle, about Mello, about everything.
"Allow me to help," Mello offered, and moved to stand behind Matt, both of his hands massaging the other boy's shoulders.
Matt sighed and leaned his head back, allowing all the muscles in his body to completely relax. "Gods, you have no idea how good that feels," he said, giving a small laugh.
"Say," Mello began. "What's up with Alex? He just went upstairs and slammed his door. Something happen between you two?"
"Nothing happened," Matt said quickly, his body immediately tensing again. "We just...had a small argument, that's all."
"About what?" Mello asked curiously, still rubbing Matt's shoulders with the hope of relaxing him enough so that he'd actually talk.
Matt gave a long, heavy sigh and closed his eyes again. "I just said something that pissed him off, so he stormed out. That's all."
"You should be a little nicer to him, you know. He's been through a lot," Mello said softly.
Matt laughed. "Like what? So his mother got arrested for drugs – no one's parents are great. And big deal, he was on drugs. That's his own damn fault, you know."
"You don't know everything he's been through," Mello replied.
"And you do?" Matt asked skeptically.
Mello rolled his eyes. "You always think you're right."
"What the hell's that supposed to mean!" Matt demanded, turning around to look at the blond.
"Nothing, nothing..." Mello shook his head. "Just stop being so hard on him. Everyones makes mistakes."
"Since when are you on his side?" Matt replied snappishly.
"I'm not on sides," Mello answered calmly. "I just think you're being too mean." He cut Matt off before the redhead could retort. "I don't think he was right in what he did either, but he's apologized and tried to make amends. What more do you want from him?"
"For him to be far away from me," Matt deadpanned, and Mello simply sighed. "I don't want to have to see him, or talk to him, or anything."
"You're so stubborn," Mello said, running his fingers through Matt's hair. "He just wants another chance, that's it."
"Well he's not going to get one," Matt stated matter-of-fact.
Mello gave up and sighed, leaning down to kiss the top of the other boy's head. "Just be a little nicer, okay? That's all I'm asking."
Matt rolled his eyes. "Whatever. You don't know him, Mello. He says things that make you fall for him, and he gets you to believe whatever comes out of his mouth. That's how he gets to you. He can't be trusted."
"You just want to find the worst in everyone," Mello reasoned.
"Emil and I get along well enough, don't we?" Matt stated flatly. "And just for the record, Emil is the one who hates me. I never did anything."
"He doesn't hate you, you know," Mello replied quietly. "He's the one who keeps telling me I should be more patient with you."
This slightly surprised Matt, and for a moment he was caught off guard. "He...did?"
"Yeah," Mello nodded. "He doesn't hate you, he just..."
"Likes you."
"Exactly," Mello said. "It's really nothing personal."
"Sure," Matt sighed and stood up from the table. "I'm going to take a shower."
"Alright – I'm uh...going to go to Emil's for a bit, okay?" Mello said, cautiously, as though he was wary of Matt's reaction.
Matt turned around and raised an eyebrow. "And you plan to get there how?"
"He uh...is coming to pick me up," Mello replied.
"He doesn't have a license, or a permit."
The blond shrugged. "Neither did you."
Matt started to put the matter to rest, but then he turned back around and gaped at the other boy. "Wait a minute! If I'm grounded, how come you aren't!" he demanded.
"Marc never said anything to me." Mello shrugged. "Though, if you'd rather Emil just stay here..." he trailed off.
The only thing worse than the unfairness of being the only one in trouble for drinking, Matt thought, was to have Emil anywhere in the vicinity. Then again, he worried even more when he and Mello went off somewhere that Matt couldn't keep an eye on them. He debated mentally for a few moments before finally surrendering. "Fine, go." He sighed and turned back towards the doorway. "You haven't seen him for a while, after all."
Just as he stepped foot outside the doorway, Mello's voice stopped him.
"So...you're okay with it?"
Matt turned his head to regard the other boy, and shrugged. "Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't I be?"
"I just figured that, well... you might think...you know..." he said softly.
"I trust you and Emil," Matt replied. "He respects you too much to do something like that, so I don't worry. Besides, if you're trusting me and Alex to be alone, I should trust you and Emil," he added simply, giving another half-shrug.
The look on Mello's face at that moment informed Matt that the blond hadn't even considered that Matt and Alex would be alone together while he went out. This seemed to bother him, and for a moment, Matt was pleased, though not quite sure why. He wasn't sure why Mello should even be worried. It wasn't as if he'd even consider doing anything with Alex, especially after the fight that morning.
"...I trust you," Mello said, though it was reluctant.
"Great," Matt answered, though it came out a bit sarcastic. "I'll be in the shower. Have fun." The last sentence was slightly bitter, as he turned back and walked upstairs.
XxX
As they drove down the road, Mello could see Emil glance his way every now and then, most likely worried by the other boy's unusual silence. After a while, he decided to question it.
"What are you looking at?" Mello asked, returning the other boy's gaze.
Blushing, Emil turned his attention to the wheel. "Nothing. You're just really quiet," he said quickly. "Something wrong?"
"No, everything's fine," Mello said half-heartedly. "Just great."
The black-haired boy driving rolled his eyes. "So you're not going to talk to me now, is that it?" He sighed. "Why don't you just tell Marc yourself? It's not just Matt's decision," he informed him.
"I know that," Mello replied quietly, crossing his arms and slouching in his seat to lean against the window. "But he'd hate me."
"He'd get over it," Emil said breezily. "You need to quit letting him walk all over you, and then make you feel bad for it."
Mello shrugged. "Nothing makes a difference anymore. Why bother?"
Emil's hands tightened somewhat on the steering wheel. "Look, I've refrained from saying this simply because I don't want to sound like a complete jerk, but... Just dump his ass."
Giving a small smile, Mello simply shook his head. "I can't do that," he argued softly, looking up into the sky and closing his eyes. "I still love him."
"Don't see why," Emil muttered. "He treats you like shit."
"Everyone has fights, Emil. You told me that yourself," Mello reminded him.
"Yeah, but there's a limit," he protested. "Do you think he loves you?" he asked.
Mello was quiet for a minute, his head resting against the glass of the window. "I...I don't know." He fought the hot tears threatening to form in his eyes. "Sometimes he really is sweet, and he acts like he does. But other times..."
"Do you really think that all this has to do with that Alex kid?" Emil wondered.
"Who knows. From what I hear from Alex, Matt wasn't like this when they were together. I'm not sure if Alex is the only thing that changed him, or if other things had to do with it as well," Mello replied.
"Garnier..." Emil stifled a laugh. "Seriously?"
Despite himself, Mello managed a smile. "He's actually not so bad, once you get to know him. He just has problems, like all of us."
Emil was quiet suddenly, staring straight ahead at the road with a strange expression, like he was debating whether or not to say something. "You know..." he began slowly, glancing over at Mello. "You two look alike."
"What?" Mello laughed. "That's ridiculous."
"Not really," he said. "Blond hair, blue eyes... and you both kind of look like kids in the face..." he trailed off uncomfortably.
Mello stopped to ponder this thought for a minute, his brow furrowed. "You don't think... that might be the reason that Matt...?" he stopped, as though suddenly realizing something. He gave a dry laugh and collapsed against his seat. "Great. He likes me because I look like Shampoo-boy," he said bitterly.
"I'm sure that isn't the only reason," Emil said consolingly, as though he felt bad for even bringing up the matter. "That might be what attracted him to you at first, but I know that he fell in love with you for different reasons..."
"Like what?" Mello retorted.
"Well... you're funny, cheerful... considerate, smart, loyal..." He smiled a bit to himself. "You're likable. I think it'd be hard not to fall for you."
Mello rolled his eyes. "You're just saying that because of how you feel about me."
"That isn't true," Emil reasoned. "Other people say it, too, I hear them." He sighed and reached over to rest a hand on Mello's shoulder. "Just forget what I said, okay? It probably doesn't mean anything."
"Do you think I should be worried?" Mello wondered aloud, casting a worried glance Emil's way. "I mean, with the two of them alone together?"
Emil shrugged. "If Matt hates him as much as you say he does right now, I doubt anything will happen." He looked over at him. "Do you trust Matt?"
"I want to, I just...I just don't know anymore," Mello replied hopelessly. "You keep saying things will change, but I really don't know."
The other boy shook his head. "I agree that Matt isn't treating you right. But all of this is hard on him... Maybe once things settle with Alex being here and everything, things will get better," he suggested hopefully.
"And if not?"
Emil was silent, staring ahead at the road with a thoughtful expression. "If not, then forget him, Mello. He isn't worth it."
"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Mello muttered bitterly.
"Hey!" Emil sent a hurt look Mello's way. "What the hell is that supposed to mean!"
Mello sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." Leaning back in his seat, he watched the clouds shift out the window. "I guess I'm just stressed."
"Now you sound like Matt," Emil commented, and Mello laughed.
"Hm..." Mello thought for a minute. "How about we make him jealous?" He raised an eyebrow and gave his familiar mischievous grin.
"And...what would you have in mind?" Emil asked, trying to hide a smile.
"Well, he already gets jealous when he sees me act friendly around you. I'm sure that if I paid enough attention, he'd have something to say about it." He smiled a little, but then it faded. "But I wouldn't want to use you like that."
Emil laughed. "I honestly don't mind, just so you know."
"I know." Mello smiled. "But it wouldn't be fair to you."
"Say..." Emil began. "How have you been? You know, with the nightmares and everything?"
Mello was quiet for a moment. "I've had a few." His memory suddenly reverted back to the previous night, when he'd woken up and been taken into Matt's arms; comforted, soothed. Were those the only times he would ever get any affection from the other boy?
"Have they gotten any worse?" the other boy questioned.
Mello shrugged. "Some nights they're better, some nights they're worse." He looked over at Emil. "What about you? How have you been?"
Emil laughed, as though surprised Mello had even asked about him. "Okay. Things are boring in Berlin without you, you know."
"That's just because you have no other friends," Mello reminded him.
"I don't want any other friends," the other boy muttered.
"...and you say I'm like Matt..."
XxX
Alex didn't come downstairs that afternoon, and Matt didn't venture upstairs. He stayed in the comfortable vicinity of the living room, watching television and flipping through random magazines. Slightly, he wondered if he should feel guilty for fighting with Alex, and being so horrible to Mello even when he didn't deserve it. It wasn't that he purposely tried to be mean, he just said stuff without thinking. He did feel bad for snapping at Mello; it wasn't his fault that Matt was in such an irritable mood, and he shouldn't take it out on him. Giving a sigh, Matt closed the magazine he was reading, and muted the television, sinking down on the couch and closing his eyes, simply listening to the silence. He wondered what Mello and Emil were doing, or whether Mello was confiding in Emil about how much they'd been fighting. He knew Emil would probably love the chance to be Mello's rebound in a situation like that, and he could feel a surge of jealousy pulse through him at the mere thought.
"I just figured that he would've chosen him, you know...?"
Why hadn't Mello chosen Emil? He was -Matt hated to admit it, though it was very much true- attractive enough, and nice when he wanted to be. He had known Mello since practically childhood, and was one of Mello's closest friends. Was it only because Matt had come that Mello had chosen him, and not Emil? If Emil had come out to Mello earlier, would they have already been together? If this was true, then no wonder Emil hated him. If it weren't for Matt, Emil might have actually had a shot. He probably would've treated Mello better, anyway.
Just as Matt began to sink into his pit of self-loathing again, soft footsteps nearby snapped him out of his reverie, and he sat up on the couch, whirling around to see Alex standing hesitantly in the doorway. "What do you want?" Matt demanded snappishly, immediately regretting his harsh tone. There he went again, taking his irritable mood out on other people.
"Nothing," Alex said softly, and Matt noticed that the other boy's makeup had been reapplied, his eyes red. He must have been crying. For some reason, this thought made Matt's stomach twist in a funny knot. Alex had never cried before. "I was -uh- going to go to town and pick up a few things. Do you want anything?" he asked, and Matt was taken aback. Why was he being so nice after that fight?
"Uh, no – I uh, I'm fine," Matt said, surprised.
"Kay then. I -uh- I'll be back in a little while," he said, turning and heading out the doorway. A few seconds later, Matt heard the front door close.
He wondered what things Alex would possibly need to pick up from town, but didn't ponder the thought any longer than necessary.
"You should be a little nicer, you know."
What business did Mello have telling him to be nicer to Alex, anyway? If anything, Matt figured Mello would despise Alex as much as Emil despised Matt. But quite par contre, they were like best friends, and for some reason this knowledge gnawed uncomfortably at Matt's insides. Then again, it was his own fault for being so bitter and purposely driving Mello away lately. What the hell was wrong with him, anyway? He loved Mello, didn't he? So why was he being such an ass?
He blamed Alex.
A while later, Matt opened his eyes, realizing the he must have fallen asleep, though for how long he didn't know. Pulling himself up from the couch and stifling a yawn, he shuffled over to the window and looked outside. It was already dark, but he could tell that the car wasn't in the driveway, which meant Alex wasn't home. This pleased him greatly. On the other hand, Mello should be home since it was dark, so Matt headed upstairs, fully ready to apologize for his behaviour earlier.
However, when he arrived upstairs and opened the door to his room, no one was there. Looking at the bedside clock, Matt saw that it was almost nine at night. Even Marc should have arrived home, and the fact that he hadn't meant he must be busier than usual at work. Suddenly, Matt felt terribly alone. Sure he liked having time to himself, but it was a quite a different matter when he was stuck at home all by himself in a giant house, filled with nothing but complete silence. He gave a sigh and turned back out of the bedroom, figuring he might as well go downstairs and watch television; it always made him feel a little less lonely. Not to mention, he always became slightly creeped out staying home alone at night, simply for the fact that they were practically out in the middle of nowhere, and -at this moment- he didn't have a car, and the house was so big that he would never be able to hear or otherwise tell if someone was in the house until they'd already stolen something or attempted to murder him. He suppressed a shiver and continued down the hall.
On the way down the hall, however, he noticed that Marc's study door was open. Usually, the door was shut, whether Marc was inside or not. The fact that it was standing wide open slightly peaked Matt's rarely-aroused curiosity, and he slowly walked towards the door, taking a furtive glance around the hall to make certain that -in case someone had snuck in- they weren't around to see him.
The room was empty, the horde of case files atop Marc's desk a little taller than usual. The desk lamp had been left on; something else that Matt found a little odd. When Marc went out, he always turned his study light off, and closed the door. Another cold chill ran up Matt's spine, and he tried not to think about too many possibilities. Deep down, he knew that Marc had probably just left in a rush and forgot to turn the light off, or Mello or Alex had come in and turned it on and forgotten it. Though why Alex or Mello would come in the study was beyond Matt's realm of thinking at the moment.
Slowly, he walked over and sat down in the large spinning chair behind Marc's desk, taking a few spins as he was sure Mello or Alex would have done, before stopping to face the papers on the desk. They were never organized, and Matt didn't bother to try to do anything with them as he shuffled through random ones, skimming the information before laying it back down.
He knew it was there. He wasn't quite sure if he was purposely ignoring it, or if it really held no interest to him. That was stupid. Of course it held interest. Of course he wanted to know more than anything what it said. Why was he hesitating? It was no different than reading other people's files. That was stupid too. Of course it was different than reading other people's case files. He didn't know any of those people. He could read about the horrors and abuse they'd been through without so much as flinching. This was definitely different. But why ignore it? He wanted to know, didn't he?
With a slightly shaky sigh, Matt reached over and took the manila folder in his hands, feeling the light weight of the information as he bit his lower lip and regarded the name inscribed on the top:
"Alexandre Dupont"
He'd figured the 'Garnier' was fake anyway.
It wouldn't be such an awful sin to look inside. It wasn't as if it would tell him anything he didn't already know: Alex had done drugs, his mother was a neglectful narc. So what? There really wasn't even a point in looking in it. Alex wasn't even around, so it wasn't as if he would ever know Matt had looked inside. There would be no satisfaction. Yet, somehow...something pulled Matt towards the folder. Something forced his hand to open it and take out the papers inside, and something forced his eyes to read them.
The first page was simple, all of the information -other than Marc's own personal notes- in German. Matt gave a small irritated mumble, unable to understand all of the technical terms that he'd never learned in school; it was times like this he wished he'd been a native German. Alex's picture was paper-clipped to the page, but it wasn't the Alex that Matt knew. This Alex had dark brown hair, not blond. Yet it was the same face, the same bright blue eyes. He was wearing the smile that Matt had become so accustomed to seeing on him, and that the blond had rarely shown lately. This was a younger Alex, not even in the tenth grade. He must have been 13 when the picture was taken, at least.
Flipping this page over, Matt looked at the next one, which was all in Marc's tidy French handwriting. They all appeared to be boring notes about Alex's life and childhood, yet Matt still read every word for reasons unknown to him. He finished the first paragraph, something about where Alex had lived before Paris. Then it began into all of the boring stuff about his childhood. Matt told himself he didn't care, but at the same time he was still reading. Alex had never talked about his childhood, he'd never mentioned his parents or anything. Then again, Matt had never asked. This was his chance to find out.
Leaning back in the chair, Matt muttered everything he read under his breath, absorbing himself in the notes. "'straight A student … grades dropped drastically when he turned 11...'' He sat up a little in the chair, a little interested despite himself. "'at age 11, confided to his mother that his father...'" Matt stopped, a sick feeling suddenly twisting in his stomach. "'...that his that his father had been sexually molesting him...'" He put a hand to his mouth, yet continued reading for some sick sort of reason. "'...At the age of 13, his mother caught him...divorced father...moved...mother began doing drugs...Age of 15, moved to Paris...'" Matt felt his mouth go dry; this had been when he and Alex had first met. "'...grades improved... Age 16, moved to Germany with mother...'"
Matt stopped reading, resisting the impulse to vomit. He'd never even considered, never even thought, imagined... He stood up from the chair and stared down at the notes, the urge to puke only becoming stronger as he read it again. Alex's father...his own father...had...
"You don't know what he's been through..."
Mello had known. He had to have known, Alex had to have told him. The sick feeling was combined with a wave of anger now. Alex would confide in Mello, but not in him? Even though he knew he probably didn't have the right, Matt couldn't help but feel betrayed.
Suddenly, movement in the doorway caught Matt's attention, and he jumped, dropping the folder and its contents, as he saw Alex standing there, watching him. "A-Alex, I … I didn't hear you come in."
Alex's expression was strange, like he wasn't all there. He was swaying slightly, and steadied himself against the doorframe before walking into the room. "What're you reading?" he asked, sniffing slightly even though his eyes weren't red from crying anymore.
Before Matt could hide them, Alex had bent down and picked up a couple of the papers, his eyes scanning each note before looking back at Matt, his dazed expression replaced with anger. "So you think you have the right to read all about me, huh?" he demanded, and Matt shrank back a little, suddenly ashamed.
"I-" was all he could manage to stutter out before Alex had flung the papers back on the desk.
"So now you know all about me, don't you! Now you know how...screwed up I am!" he yelled, bracing a hand on the desk as he started swaying again. "You know how...how my dad came into my room every night, and how he would crawl into my bed..." he reached out a hand towards Matt, and the redhead instinctively backed away. "What!" Alex demanded. "You don't want to hear it anymore? Because you seemed to have a damn good time of reading it, and probably laughing at me! You think it's what I deserved, huh? Because you hate me so much, you're probably glad, aren't you?"
"Please, Alex, s-stop-" Matt pleaded softly.
The other boy grabbed Matt's wrist and slammed him against the wall, leaning in to where their faces were millimeters apart, so close that Matt could feel Alex's warm breath on his face. It didn't smell like alcohol; he hadn't been drinking, yet he was acting like he was wasted. "He would come into my room every night..." Alex hissed into Matt's ear, and the redhead tried to shut out his ears, but he could still hear every word. "He would crawl into my bed, and start touching me..." He gave a slightly hysterical laugh. "I didn't understand what the hell was going on. But it felt good, Matt...it felt really really good when he touched me like that, and I didn't know why. I thought something was wrong with me. It was weird, it didn't feel right, but I still liked it and it confused the hell out of me. But then..." he whispered, "then...he would start undressing me, and before I knew what was happening I was being ripped apart from the inside out, and I didn't even know what was going on!"
"Stop it!" Matt cried, trying to push the other boy away. Alex only smirked and pushed him closer against the wall, his words becoming more slurred together as he went on. "I tried to tell my mother, you know. But of course she didn't believe me. Then he only punished me harder each night because I'd ratted him out. One night, I screamed so bad that my mom came running... And then she found him, in my room, in my bed, fucking me!" His bottom lip trembled, but he was still smiling. "Needless to say, she believed me after that..."
Matt could suddenly feel hot tears slipping down his face, and he was shaking. He didn't want to hear it, he didn't want to know.
Apparently satisfied, Alex moved away and turned around and stalked towards the door, slamming it loudly behind him as he went out in the hallway.
XxX
"For the last time, Emil, you do not look fat," Mello said exasperatedly to the black-haired boy still examining himself in the mirror. "You're as thin as a rail, and you even weigh less than me now."
"That's just because you've been pigging out over at Matt's house all summer," Emil replied matter-of-fact, pulling his shirt back over his head. "Once you come back home, you'll lose weight again."
"You know the only reason I'm thin is because I can't eat whenever I want at home," Mello reminded him dryly. "Or have you forgotten?"
Emil sighed. "Of course I haven't forgotten, I'm sorry. But still, I look awful."
"Would you shut up?" Mello sighed. "That is so not true." He laid back across Emil's bed and tossed a pillow at the other boy, which he irritably swatted away. "You look fine."
"Fine. That's all," Emil stated.
"Oh my God!" Mello rolled his eyes and turned over on his stomach. "How's this?" He cleared his throat and began to recite: "You are by far one of the most beautiful boys I have ever met, and you are most certainly not fat, and any boy would be lucky to have you," he finished dramatically.
"Is that so?" Emil said, raising an eyebrow as he went over and sat down on the bed beside the blond. He pulled his knees up against his chest and leaned against the wall. "So...how much do you know about this 'Alex' guy, anyway?" he asked.
Mello shrugged, wondering if he should tell Emil everything he knew. He didn't feel right in repeating what Alex had told him in what was probably confidence, but it wasn't as if Emil had anyone to tell. "He was abused as a kid, and his mother's a narc. That's about all I know," Mello replied, rolling over on his back again to look up at Emil.
"Abused? How so?"
Hesitating slightly, Mello replied, "...his father raped him repeatedly when he was a kid. When his mother found out about it, she divorced him."
Emil's eyes widened in shock. "Jesus..."
"I know..." Mello gave a dry sort of laugh. "It's odd, you know. I always thought that I had one of the worst lives imaginable. But really, there's always someone who has it worse..."
"That doesn't mean things don't suck for you, Mello," Emil replied. "You've been through just as much, just maybe in different ways." He was silent for a minute before continuing. "So does Matt know about all of this?"
Mello shook his head. "No. Alex never told him. And who can really blame him? If it were me, that'd be the last thing I'd want people to know."
"So why'd he tell you?" Emil wondered aloud.
"Beats me. I just asked about his childhood, and he told me," Mello answered. "I can't help but feel sorry for him, to be honest."
"Tell me about it."
"Matt's being really hard on him, though. He still hasn't forgiven Alex for what he did all those years ago." Mello shook his head. "I dunno, I think he should be nicer but...if I were in Matt's shoes, how would I feel, really?"
"You would still love Matt, even though he'd hurt you," Emil stated matter-of-fact.
A sudden realisation hit Mello, and his eyes snapped to the other boy. "Do you think that means that Matt still loves Alex?" he asked quickly.
Emil shrugged. "It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I'm sure he doesn't want to love Alex still, and if anything I'd say he's doing his best to move on. But having Alex there must be tough for him, regardless."
"You're so mean," Mello pouted, tossing another pillow at the black-haired boy across from him.
"I'm just being honest. Would you rather me lie and sugar coat the truth just to make you feel better?"
"Yes, I would," Mello replied, giving a heavy sigh. "Everything has just been so screwed up, even before Alex came... I don't know what to do anymore."
Emil leaned back against the wall and mimicked the blond's sigh, a thoughtful look crossing his face for a few minutes. "Say," he ventured, giving a shrug of his shoulders, "why don't we go into the city sometime this week? I hear it's really pretty, and I've only ever been on the outskirts before."
Appreciating the other boy's attempt to change the subject, Mello smiled. "Yeah, that'd be nice." He paused and then looked around the room as though searching for something.
"What?" Emil prompted, noticing Mello's wandering gaze.
"Do you still play the Cello?" he asked.
"Wah...yeah, some." The other boy blushed slightly.
Mello smiled. "Play something for me."
Emil's face turned a deeper shade of pink. "No."
"Oh, please?" Mello pleaded. "I love hearing you play."
"Ugh, fine," Emil gave a defeated groan and walked over to the closet, where he reached in and pulled out the instrument Mello had been looking for. "What do you want to hear?" He asked, sitting on a nearby chair by the bed.
"I don't care. Something you wrote," Mello replied, turning to face the other boy.
Another groan. "Fine, okay." Emil placed the bow to the strings and closed his eyes, sliding it over the instrument to produce a sound of soothing notes that floated through the still air.
Mello laid back and closed his eyes, enjoying listening to the other boy play. Emil had always been particularly gifted in music, art, and the likes – ever since they were kids. Mello would always make the other boy play for him, even when he refused. Though he always had the feeling that Emil was still pleased when Mello complimented him. As the music continued to drift amongst them, Mello opened his eyes and looked at Emil, who was absorbed in playing as he always became. As the blond watched him, he couldn't help but notice that Emil was quite beautiful – the way his black hair fell gently in his face as he leaned forward against the cello, and the grace of his pale fingers as they drifted along the instrument. For a moment, he was almost transfixed.
Then, suddenly, an overwhelming sense of pity washed over him. He always clung to the other boy, and gave affectionate gestures, smiles, things that really were nothing more than friendly actions to him, yet to Emil there was no telling how he must long for another meaning behind those things.
Mello sat up on the edge of the bed, tilting his head as the end of the piece came near. The final few notes played, and Emil set the instrument aside.
"I'm sorry."
"Huh?" Emil's brown eyes widened a little and he looked at Mello curiously. "Sorry for what?"
"I...I know how hard it must be, to be around me all the time and feeling the way that you do. I never really thought about it before, about how you must have to work so hard just to act normal and everything. It must be hard, and I know I only make it more difficult by coming around all the time and completely disregarding that. I...I'm sorry," Mello finished.
The black-haired boy was silent for a minute, regarding Mello with an almost shocked expression, before his face relaxed into a smile. "You shouldn't be sorry. It isn't your fault. How many times do I have to tell you not to feel guilty about it?" he asked.
Mello shrugged. "You only say that so I won't feel bad."
"Oh, please Mello. I don't expect you to pretend to feel anything for me. I want you to be happy – and if Matt makes you happy then I'm fine with that. I know that you want to make me happy, but you don't have to go to unnecessary lengths. I'm happy just being around you, even if it's just friendship."
The blond was silent, knowing that this was just another lie. He could tell by the falseness of the other boy's smile that it was practically torturing him inside.
XxX
Matt stood silently out in the hallway, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes. He didn't want to feel guilty. He didn't want to feel sorry for him. Alex was the last person he wanted to feel any pity towards, whatsoever. Yet all the same, he somehow found himself knocking on the door to the other boy's room, where he knew he would be.
A muffled "come in" was his reply, and -heaving a deep sigh- Matt swung the door open and stepped in the room, closing it gently behind him. He could see Alex give him a surprised -and then angry- look from his place on the bed. "What do you want?" he snapped angrily, turning towards the window and refusing to look at the redhead that had now sat beside him on the bed.
"Look, Alex..." Matt began, his eyes cast down in his lap, where he was wringing his hands. "I'm sorry, about everything I said before, and...how I acted. I-I had no idea that your dad had-"
"So you feel sorry for me?" the blond retorted. "That's it, huh? You feel bad so you decided you'd come apologize to ease your conscience, and make you feel better! I don't need your pity, alright?"
Matt's mouth opened, and then closed, at a loss for words. "I-I...no – no, that's …. that's not it. I...I really am sorry. I..." he sighed. "I do feel sorry for you. I don't want to, but I do." He swallowed hard as he felt sudden unexpected warm tears form in his eyes. "I can't help it. I feel sorry for you." He looked back up at Alex with a pained glance. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Oh, yeah – because that's really the first thing you'd want to tell someone: 'oh, by the way, my dad raped me as a kid'."
"You told Mello," Matt stated.
"He asked," Alex said. "You never did. Had you, I would have told you the truth."
Matt was silent then, unsure of what to say. He didn't want to apologize anymore, it was agony enough just admitting he'd been a jerk. "Look, Alex...let's just pretend...that nothing ever happened, okay? Just...put this all behind us, like you wanted. I want to hate you, but...I can't. So let's just agree to be civil, alright?" he said, similar to the same pleading voice that Alex had used that morning when asking the very same thing.
"But you don't understand, Matt..." Alex replied, his voice catching in the back of his throat. "I don't want to just be 'civil'." He turned around to face Matt, his eyes possessing the same drunken look that they'd had in Marc's study, yet Matt smelled no alcohol on the other boy's breath. "Please..." he leaned in forward, and before Matt could stop him, the other boy had pressed his lips firmly against his.
Matt let out a surprised little squeak, instinctively placing his hands on Alex's shoulders. However, he didn't pull away. Fixed in a state of shock, Matt couldn't help but relax a little at the other boy's kiss. It was so achingly familiar. "A-Alex..." Matt found himself gasping, breaking away from him briefly, shaking. "Wh-what are you...?"
"Please," the blond whispered, his lips brushing gently against matt's ear and causing him to shiver. "I miss you..." he said, almost a moan. Before Matt could think, Alex had recaptured his lips harder, pushing Matt back on the bed.
Despite the clear, adamant knowledge that he didn't want to do this, shouldn't be doing this, Matt still found he had no will to break away, to push the other boy off. A small involuntary moan escaped his lips as Alex's mouth moved down his neck, sending a small ripple of pleasure throughout his body. For a moment, Matt was briefly reminded of the first few days Mello had arrived, and how strongly his physical feelings for the blond had been. Everything had been so stressful lately, that he'd almost forgotten about it completely.
He was shocked that a simple kiss from Alex sent his body into such a frenzy. Without thinking, Matt wrapped his arms around the other boy and pulled him close, longing -not necessarily for Alex himself- but for the warm heat seeping through his body. Then again, maybe he did long for Alex, too.
As he thought of Mello again, Matt felt a horribly guilty wave seize him, and he pushed Alex off once more, gasping, "A-Alex, we can't...M-Mello, he..."
Alex cut him off with another rough kiss. "What? He's not here," he replied, straddling one of Matt's legs with his own and beginning to rub against him. The redhead gasped again, and closed his eyes, biting his lip to suppress the pleasured moan that threatened to be released. "No...please..." he begged. "Stop..." But his voice was only a half-hearted whisper. He didn't want to be doing this, he didn't. Yet at the same time, he couldn't help but feel a certain aching familiarity, a missing feeling, a small comfort, at the other boy's touch. He didn't want to feel it, didn't want to want it. He detested it. He wanted to detest Alex. But he couldn't. And he knew this.
"Please, A-Alex, we..." He stopped once more as their lips joined, and Alex's hands began to work on his pants, undoing his belt with the type of quickness that displayed a certain skill, which Matt wondered if it had been acquired through experience. He wanted it to stop, but yet he wanted to continue. He wanted to throw Alex off of him, to hit him and scream at him for hurting him, but he couldn't. "Alex..." he whispered again, but this time it was less of a plea, and more of a moan. The next second, he felt his shirt slip off, and Alex's hands ran along his chest, touching his bare skin and making him shudder.
"You have no idea...how badly he hurt me. Please, Matt..." Alex gasped, his mouth now kissing the other boy's neck. "...I need you. You're the only one who understands me."
Understand? That wasn't true. Matt didn't understand Alex at all, had no idea what it was like to be hurt so horribly by a parent, what it was like to feel so hopeless. He didn't know. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to have anything more to do with Alex. Yet he still couldn't bring himself to break their embrace. His body was already on fire, he couldn't stop at this point if he wanted to.
All of a sudden, a horrible slamming noise shattered the quarantined world around them. It actually wasn't a slamming sound – in fact, the door opened rather softly – but it was loud enough to break Matt's reverie and cause him to throw Alex off with such force that the other boy nearly fell over the bed. The redhead simply sat in the middle of the bed for a moment, looking with wide eyes towards the doorway, as if in a trance.
The blond in the doorway mimicked his look, just staring for a minute, as though taking in the whole scene. Then his expression changed, not really in his face entirely, but in his eyes. Matt could see the deep hurt embedded there, in the other boy's deep blue irises, the kind of betrayal that Matt himself had felt when Alex had abandoned him only two years ago. Then as though coming to his senses, he turned and fled out the doorway, the sound of his footsteps echoing down the stairs, followed by another pair, belonging to the other boy Matt hadn't noticed before.
As if just now registering what was happening, Matt scrambled off the bed and nearly ran into the door-frame of the door as he sped after them. "MELLO! Wait, please! I-I can explain! I –!"
Emil turned around as Mello disappeared down the rest of the stairway. His glare was furious, possessing more anger than Matt knew to be within him. A look of pure, adamant, undiluted HATRED. It sent a wave of fear through Matt, causing him to take a step back.
"Don't ever come near him again," Emil said, and turned to follow Mello.
XxX
XxX
XxX
XxX
It was a while after Mello and Emil had arrived back at Emil's house, that either one of them said anything. Mello had spent almost thirty minutes in the bathroom -crying, Emil knew. His eyes were red when he finally came back in the bedroom and sat on the bed beside the black-haired boy, docile and silent. He stared straight ahead, not really registering anything.
"Are you...okay?" Emil asked, placing a hand on Mello's shoulder.
Wordlessly, Mello turned and wrapped his arms around the other boy's neck burying his face into his shoulder. Emil -though slightly surprised- wrapped his arms around Mello in turn and held him close, stroking his hair. "I'm sorry," he whispered, kissing the top of the blond's head.
It was then that Mello pulled back, staring into Emil's eyes with a look that the black-haired boy had never seen before; it was a strange look, a blank look – but at the same time it was deep. No words were spoken, no warning was given, as Mello promptly leaned forward and pressed his lips to Emil's in a sudden distraught gesture.
Emil froze, his eyes wide with shock. He didn't move as Mello parted their lips, leaning forward to whisper in the other boy's ear – a soft, pleading, request.
"Please...I need you, Emil."
-End of Chapter 10-