Ok. I know. Don't make promises you can't keep... But it's here! So please just read it before judging me...

As always, I don't own Merlin and I doubt that will change anytime soon.

Chapter 9 – The Calm Between Storms

The king had not moved from the battered old stool by Merlin's bedside since Gaius had finished tending to the warlock's wounds; nor had he spoken except to briefly inform the old physician of what had happened in the throne room. He just sat there. Just sat there, while a hodgepodge of thoughts pounded in his head, bashing against his skull like an angry mob fighting to escape captivity.

When he had watched Morgana stride down that corridor, he hadn't had time to think - he had just acted, let his instincts take over. He had been so certain of what he needed to do, so sure of himself, but now… Now, he was anything but sure. He was so terribly unsure. The fight happening within his brain was relentless; each thought was pressing forward for acceptance, only to be batted away by another completely contradictory idea and there was nothing whatsoever to distract him from the darkness of his own mind.

He stared at the figure sprawled on the bed before him. So peaceful. So content. Sleep had smoothed out the lines of pain etched into his face during his waking hours and washed away all evidence of all the hardships and burdens that most men twice his age would have been unable to bear. He looked so young. Like the kind-hearted and innocent boy he really was beneath. And Arthur could not reconcile the image of this injured and vulnerable-looking boy before him with that of an evil sorcerer. Now that his initial anger had faded, he could not bring himself to accept that Merlin could ever be capable of evil. He would not believe that years of friendship, of kindness could have all been an act. It was Merlin, for goodness sake! The man who hated hunting because he pitied the cute little hares and deer! No, Merlin could not be evil. He could not want Arthur dead and Camelot in ruins - he had plenty of chances of the years and each time, had he not worked with Arthur to prevent other sorcerers from doing precisely that? Had he not just proved that with his injuries?

But Merlin was also a sorcerer. He practised magic. And magic was evil. But Merlin was not evil. So how could magic be evil?

Don't presume to know the minds of sorcerers, a voice in his head chided. It sounded suspiciously like his dead father. But he had always known that his father's stance on magic had been rather extreme, hadn't he? His father would have had Merlin burnt at the stake, but Arthur knew that idea to be unthinkable. It would have been cruel – no, wrong - after everything Merlin had done. But had there not been terrible consequences each time he had gone against his father's views of magic? Was Mordred's betrayal and his father's death not enough to teach him never to question that magic was pure evil?

But Gaius had said that the old sorcerer, Dragoon, had tried to heal his father and that something had gone wrong. After all, he could have just left Uther to die naturally – it would have been inevitable, but no. Instead, he had asked Arthur to lift the ban on magic in exchange for his father's life and Arthur had seen the hope and pure joy that had filled the man's eyes when he had agreed. He had truly wanted magic to be peacefully restored to the land – for magical people and non-magical people to live together in harmony. But he had failed.

And now Arthur had no idea what to do.

He did not know whether magic was evil. He did not know whether or not he could ever trust Merlin again after all those years of lies and deceit. He no longer knew what was true and what was a lie, what was reality and what was not. He didn't seem to know anything for sure any more. In the space of one morning, the two things he had known as unquestionable truths – that magic was evil and that Merlin was his friend – had been questioned. And his life had subsequently descended into chaos.

Merlin had felt so content in his bubble of peace and warmth, but then it had popped – just like that - and slowly his senses began to return to him. First the pain. Then the terrible feeling of weakness. Then the memories. Oh, the memories! And lastly, his eyes drifted open to find Arthur sitting at his bedside, a look of deep contemplation on his face.

"A-hur..." He was surprised at how croaky and weak he sounded, at how even the barely intelligible word sent a sharp slice of pain through his chest and how he had to drag the air through his dry throat. He tried to get up, but the wave of pain only crashed down on his weakened body with increased force, pinning him against the bed.

The soft whimper that escaped his lips seemed to startle Arthur and he had to positively shake himself from his thoughts. The warlock's heart dropped when he realised what must have been going on in the king's mind… And sure enough, his fears were confirmed when the king spoke.

"Merlin, you're awake." It wasn't the words that were strange, no, it was the tone in which he said them. Somehow, it just did not sound right. It was too detached, too awkward. It was the tone people use to address a stranger they have only just met, not a friend they had been to hell and back with. Friend. Merlin wondered if Arthur would ever consider him such a thing again, but he pushed the thought down. He could not afford to lose faith. Not now. Not ever. Arthur had come back for him, hadn't he?

"Th-nk you."

This seemed to surprise the king, for he adopted a confused expression and arched his eyebrows.

"For coming back for me," Merlin replied to the unspoken question. "I know I didn't deserve it, but please, I'm sorry, just, just let me explain…"

"No." The word came out harsher than Arthur had intended and had Merlin flinching despite himself. Arthur hastened to clarify himself. "You need to rest and I need to think. Just let me try and puzzle this out for myself, alright?"

He didn't know why he recoiling from the idea, when his mind yearned for an explanation that would sort his thoughts out into any semblance of order, but for some reason, even thinking about discussing magic with Merlin sent shivers of fear down his spine. He knew he would have to do it sooner or later, but he could not help taking the coward's way out and evading the issue for just a little longer. Just pretending that everything was normal and that the boy before him was still the best friend whom he trusted with all his heart for that few extra hours, because he knew that when the inevitable discussion came, he would have to face the fact that that was anything but the case. He would have to face the truth and make a decision. A decision that would determine the future of their relationship. And he wasn't ready for that. Not yet.

An uneasy silence elapsed. One that eats away at you until you can bear it no longer and have to open your mouth to comment on the weather or make some equally brainless remark, knowing full well how stupid you sound, but not caring because anything is better than the silence. It pressed upon the warlock and filled him with a deep sadness that he could not keep from showing in his eyes.

Finally, unable to stand it any longer, Arthur voiced a thought that had been puzzling him for a while.

"Can't you just heal yourself with magic?"

Merlin looked briefly startled, then gave him a half-hearted smile, as he replied, "Well, I've never really been great at healing magic…"

But no teasing remark about his incompetence came and Merlin's smile fell.

The silence pressed in relentlessly once more.

Minutes crawled by.

Then Arthur spoke again.

"You let Morgana go."

It was a statement, not a question, but Merlin nodded anyway.

"I-I'm sorry, Arthur. I just couldn't do it. I owed it to her… I'm sorry." His tone pleaded for understanding, but Arthur did not reply, except to give a curt nod.

Silence.

Merlin wondered whether the king believed him or thought that he was somehow in league with Morgana, but surely he couldn't that that? After all he had done?

Another few seconds passed.

"She'll be back you know," Merlin said. "It won't be long now."

"I know," Arthur replied.

And this time, when the silence fell, it fell laced with grim understanding and acceptance.

So there you are! Unfortunately I have quite a bit more of the boring discussion stuff to get through before I can get back to the action, but it's kind of necessary, so I'll try my best not to bore you...

Thanks again for reviewing and forgiving me, as well as all those who have followed or favourited! Thank you so so much and please keep it up and I will be one happy bunny!

Till next time!

jellyblobs