Chapter Nine
Remus Lupin was lonely.
It was a feeling that had haunted him frequently when he had been a child; when the only people he had were his parents and he could never hold onto a friend because he was too ashamed of the secret that he kept from them. From everyone.
That had all changed when he went to Hogwarts. James Potter had befriended him first. He had been reckless, impulsive and over confident, speaking to him with an ease that Remus had never experienced. It had captivated him, how someone could speak to him so. But he hadn't known then, what Remus concealed, so he assumed that would change in time. So he kept his distance, the same as he had done with those who had tried to befriend him as a child. But James Potter was resilient; he had seen something within him worth befriending and, so, Remus was never left alone by him. Sirius Black picked up on James' friendship with him quickly and, very soon after his friendship with James was established, Sirius came along as part of the package. But Remus had liked Sirius too; even if he was too easily angered, too quick to dismiss those he had deemed worthy of censure. He supposed that was because he always expected that attitude to be turned to him, should they ever discover the truth.
It hadn't. At least Remus had thought not, as Sirius and James' friendship had been steadfast, as had Peter's – though he did not care to think about him anymore – when he had revealed the truth to them; the terrible truth that he was a werewolf. They had not turned him away, had not been fearful, nor prejudiced. In fact, if anything, they had appeared excited; Sirius especially.
It was not until some years later that his being a werewolf had began to cause strain. It started with Sirius. Sirius and his 'prank'. Remus could hardly believe what had happened were true, when Peter had told him; it was when he had sat within Dumbledore's office, alone, with the old man that the truth had sunk in. But it was not until some years later, when he had really thought about the incident, that his resentment for it had sunk in. Was he anything more than a pet to Sirius, he had asked himself. Some fearful, dangerous animal that Sirius had been delighted to call his own; to use as he pleased?
James had convinced Remus to forgive Sirius the first time; for using him as his weapon. But James had not been there for the second betrayal. He had not been there to defend him when he had turned on him; named him the traitor. Remus knew it was Sirius who had decided it; he knew that it had been Sirius who had convinced James and Lily it was he who could not be trusted.
That was why Remus had believed the spy had been Sirius; because he had been so insistent the spy was him. He had planted the doubt in James' mind and then he, alone, had convinced them to use Peter as their secret keeper.
And now James was gone.
Peter had betrayed them.
And Sirius had betrayed him.
The Marauders were wiped out with Voldemort.
And now, here was Sirius in his home, which he had entered only a handful of times since then for both knew Remus had never forgiven him for it. All they had in common now was James and James' family. Lily and Harry, that was all. And they were the only reasons they ever spoke; so he knew when Sirius and Harry had shown up that day that something was wrong with one of them.
Had Harry expressed to him the same fears he had expressed to Remus?
It was only the boy, James' son, who managed to drive away the loneliness that haunted him. He would deal with Sirius everyday for the rest of his life, if that's what it took to give Harry everything he deserved. He loved the boy.
"You have to talk to her."
"She won't listen to me, any more than she would listen to you," Remus did not look at him as he spoke; he rarely did.
"She looks to you for advice all the time."
"Hardly. Speak to Julia."
"Julia," Sirius scoffed, "She doesn't understand. Heck, she was blabbering on about what a wonderful wizard he was when I found out."
Remus handed the sandwich he had been making to Harry, who took it from his hands eagerly; "He's done well for himself."
"What does that matter? We can't trust him."
"We don't need to. It's Lily who's working with him."
"You can't tell me you're not concerned about this?"
Was he concerned? He supposed he was. After all, Severus Snape was a close friend of Regulus Black; a very close friend, undoubtedly a relationship formed during the war, and when one associated with Death Eaters it was only logical that one is likely a Death Eater also. But Remus was tired of Sirius; and he was certain this was not the basis of Sirius' assumption. No; he assumed it for the same reasons he had expected Snape to become a Death Eater at Hogwarts. Unjustified prejudices; assumptions because of House loyalties; because of his mannerisms.
Snap judgements Sirius and James had made about him as children.
They had assumed Severus was a Death Eater because of unjustified reasons; just as he had been assumed to be loyal to Voldemort because of his secret.
"Remus!"
"What?" Remus snapped, irritated, though he knew he had missed several of Sirius' remarks before he had called his name.
"She's working with a Death Eater, for Merlin's sake!"
"What proof do you have?"
"Proof? What are you talking about; you don't need to eat a cake to know it's sweet!"
"You're making assumptions; just like you always do."
Sirius looked irritated by the accusation in his tone; "Don't start with that. This isn't about you."
"But it relates quite well, don't you think?" Remus looked at him for the first time.
Sirius' eyes narrowed, "Do you think you could put aside your petty issues and consider Lily's well being for a second; for Harry's sake, at least."
"Don't use Harry's name to win your battles; I've seen you do it plenty with Lily. And I can tell you now, Lily knows how to deal with Severus Snape. She did just fine when we knew him before."
"This is different, she's...she's not the same girl she was back then."
"She's not a defenceless flower, Sirius, leave her be. This Fellowship has nothing to do with working with Snape; even if your accusations were true, that won't keep her from him if it means finding something to help James."
"James would kill us if he knew we let her work with him; his worst enemy."
"Then don't tell him."
"Is that supposed to be a joke?" Sirius' eyes flashed, angrily. Harry looked back and forth between them, curiously, though seemed as unfazed as ever by their words. He was used to them.
Remus shook his head, "We both know there's no bringing James back. But I've had that argument countless times with her – the same argument that me bringing this up with lead to; I'm not willing to stretch my relationship with her to its limits over something as meaningless as her working with Snape. He's not worth it; so leave it."
"Of course he's not worth it, but Lily is."
"So go to your brother. Get him to kick Snape off the project."
"Be serious!"
Remus almost smirked; who was talking, after all?
"Remus, we're supposed to protect her; we promised James that, didn't we?"
"Yes. Though James' faith in me was not so strong that he would expect me to stand by it."
"There you go again, making everything all about you. I told you I was sorry, what more can you ask?"
"For sincerity?" Remus snapped, looking angrily, "Your basis for accusation is that Snape was an awkward child, who had invented a few spells and knew more magic than you at Hogwarts."
"That is not my basis," Sirius retorted, furiously.
"It's insignificant," Remus went on, "Based on nothing but arrogant assumptions about someone's character and how you expect them to act, according to the picture you've painted of them in your mind. The same as you did to me."
"You think I wanted to believe it was you?"
"It could have been you, you know," Remus glared at him, his voice low, "There may have been reasons you thought I was the traitor; but there were reasons for it being you too. You're a Black; your family's stance was clear. You might have wanted to get back into their good graces; might have wanted to impress them, like Regulus was doing."
"That's dragon shit, and you know it!"
"Yes, I do know it!" Remus snapped, his volume rising, "I do know it, because I know you! Just like you ought to have known me, but that didn't matter did it? You still thought it was me; you still convinced James and Lily to think the same and now we lost him. Lost him because of your arrogance in thinking you know everything and everyone!"
"Me?" Sirius ground out, though his expression betrayed his astonishment, "You...are you saying you blame me for what happened to James? It was Peter!"
"And who told them to trust Peter?"
"Fuck you!" Sirius had clenched his fist, seeming ready to strike at him, but stopped when Harry loyally stepped to Remus' side; "Fuck you Remus. You think I was the only one who believed it was you? James believed it; Lily believed it. Heck, even Dumbledore believed it! Don't stand there making out this is my fault!"
"It is your fault! Don't stand there acting all innocent; you blame yourself too, don't deny it, because you should!"
Sirius could only stare at him, lost for words; Sirius rarely could find nothing to say. But this time his expression conveyed all that words would not; that he was stunned, horrified, hurt, furious. All feelings Remus was familiar with; feelings he had lived with ever since he'd discovered his friends he had loved had turned on him, over something he couldn't control. He wouldn't feel sorry for Sirius; he deserved to hear it.
"Are you serious, Remus?" Sirius' voice was almost broken when he spoke, "This is what you've kept to yourself all this time? This is what you've been thinking?"
Remus held his eyes with his; he didn't say anything, but knew the message was conveyed; simply, yes.
It only took a second for the hurt in Sirius' expression to disappear; for his expression to darken; "I suppose it's easy for you to convince yourself of that. To sit back, hiding behind your own secret, blame that for everything. Blame everyone else for everything. You made it easy for us to assume it was you; you did nothing to assure us otherwise!"
"If I'd known that's what you thought, I would have! You never gave me the chance to defend myself!"
"What else would we think? You walked around, barely spoke, when you did only to complain about how you hated the war. How you didn't want to fight anymore. What were we supposed to think?"
"You weren't supposed to think, you were supposed to know. And I didn't want to; what I did for the war effort was far more taxing that you! It was all so exciting for you, battles, conspiracies; no one to lose –"
"I lost James!"
"– You try going undercover; try fearing for your life every second of the day; try willingly becoming the thing you most hate about yourself constantly and tell me you wanted it to go on. That it wouldn't put a strain on your relationships!"
"You never spoke about it –"
"Because I wanted to escape it!"
"Cowardice; that's what you're using now as an excuse. And the secret; it's always the secret. That's why you were sent undercover; that's why everyone thought it was you. Poor Remus; can't escape the beast within –"
"Shut up!" Remus paled, looking at Harry, but the boy didn't pick up on what Sirius had said and was now looking through a book on the floor.
Remus turned his attention back to Sirius; "It always comes back to that because you make it about that. Was I ever more than a dangerous animal to you; a pet you kept trained?"
"You're talking dragon shit now," Sirius shook his head, "It was never like that. You were my friend."
"Friend? You tried to make me a murderer! You almost ruined my life!"
"Where the heck is this coming from?" Sirius was baffled but his voice was still loud with anger, "That was years ago! We're past it!"
"I thought so too."
Sirius shook his head, "You know what, forget it. I can take care of Lily myself."
"I'll always be there for Lily. Don't twist my words. This isn't about Lily; it's about you and me."
"What you and me?" Sirius looked at him, his expression tired, "There hasn't been a you and me in a long time; and now you've finally told me why."
Remus lowered his eyes; could feel himself retreating back into himself. Back to normal.
"Don't expect me to care," Sirius went on, "If you want to sit here and stew about the past; sit here, living your life in bitterness and regret, don't expect me to come and make it all better."
"I never did."
"Harry, let's go."
Harry protested but, upon noticing Sirius stride determinedly to the door, quickly stood and gave Remus a hasty hug before he hurried after his Godfather.
Remus already regretted it. He had held back for years because he knew he would. The last thing he needed was guilt added to the list of unwanted feelings he couldn't shake. A part of him had hoped that, when this day came, perhaps it wouldn't be guilt that would come away from it. Perhaps by letting out those thoughts, he would be filled with relief and be free of those debilitating feelings.
But that was not so.
Everything was the same.
Everything was lost. And he was as lonely as ever.
XXX
"Have you heard from Lucius?"
"Why would I?" Regulus glanced curiously at Severus, who appeared concerned.
He always seemed concerned lately. Concerned about the Foundation. Concerned about the project. Concerned about him. He really did worry too much. He almost laughed at it; Severus Snape clucking around like an old mother hen, worrying about everything and everyone. Though he guessed the unusual erratic behaviour of his was down to Lily Potter's reappearance in his life; he was trying to find something else to focus on, rather than whatever feelings the woman had awoken within him.
Regulus wasn't an idiot. He knew very well what his friend was going through. Though, for now, he would keep silent. Besides, what could he say? It was not as if he could encourage his feelings; she was married and didn't seem keen to give up on that fact, despite her husband being incapacitated for five years.
"I have to speak with Narcissa about organising the Christmas Fundraiser. Do you want me to give her a message for him?" Regulus lifted the bottle of wine that had arrived at his Aurelius office that morning; a thank you gift from the Prewets for helping their son.
"No," Severus spoke quickly, "No. It's nothing that can't wait...well...Yes, it can wait. I will speak with him the next time I see him."
"Is something wrong?" he popped open the cork of the wine bottle.
"Possibly," Severus affirmed, before he cast a quiet muffliato, "There are rumours. They concern the Dark Lord."
Regulus almost dropped the bottle he was holding and looked up sharply, "The Dark Lord? What? What rumours?"
"I don't know much. Only that his presence has been felt. I thought Lucius might know something."
"Then you should speak to him immediately," Regulus almost cringed at how panicked his voice sounded, "What if he were to return?"
"Calm down, Regulus," Severus responded with enviably calmness, though Regulus could sense from the look in his eyes that he was just as concerned as he, "This is not the first time we have heard such claims."
"All the more reason for concern," Regulus countered, as he poured a glass of the wine, "You should contact Lucius tonight. Wine?"
"Not for me. His location is unknown, remember," Severus pointed out, as he took a seat in the chair behind Regulus' desk, "What is that?"
"What?"
"That smell," he was looking around with a frown.
"What smell?"
Severus shook his head, "I...I'm not sure."
"Do you think Lucius..." Regulus broke off, not wanting to finish the sentence. Both of their friendships with Lucius had remained intact following the war; he had never questioned either of them about their change in loyalties – whether they were true or if they had just been excuses they had used to escape imprisonment. Instead, Lucius had been content to put those days behind him and continue on as normal; and he had maintained his relationship with both. But they had not questioned his loyalties either; was it possible he had returned to their former master...
"I doubt it," Severus said with a certainty that couldn't help but be reassuring, "Lucius is in no hurry to see his return; his life is far better with him gone. What could the Dark Lord's return possibly offer him?" Severus was looking around the desk, lifting papers mindlessly looking for something.
Regulus nodded, he supposed what he said was true, "What are you looking for?"
Severus never answered him as he stood, almost pacing as he walked around the room.
"Going mad, Sev?" Regulus grinned. He barely noticed as Severus seized the bottle of wine from the desk where he had left it, lifting it to his nose, as Regulus lifted his glass to his lips.
"No!"
Before Regulus could make sense of what was happened, the glass he was holding was knocked from his hand. It took only a few moments for him to regain his bearings; the glass had smashed over the desk and the liquid that had spilled from it now sizzled and had smoke emitting from it. Regulus frowned.
"What..."
Severus' eyes were dark as he appeared in front of him, holding the bottle of wine, "Where did you get this?"
"Uh...it was a gift. From the Prewets –"
"Prewets!" Severus' tone was low, dangerous with fury, as he lifted the gift tag that hung from the neck of the bottle. It only took a second for him to shake his head; "It's not from them. They would not be so foolish as to try something like this."
Regulus was stunned into inaction. He had received death threats before, plenty of furious letters. But he had never, not since Severus had warned off potential threats, experienced any blatant attempts on his life. He stepped towards his desk, looking at the liquid that continued to sizzle on the desk.
"What is it?"
"Poison."
"I know that," Regulus was embarrassed by how rattled his tone sounded, "What kind?"
"Does it matter? There's rosary pea seeds, for sure. But...that smell," Severus lifted it to his nose again, more cautious this time, taking another sniff, "There's something else; a potion. I'd have to investigate further."
Regulus waved a dismissive hand, though its shaking betrayed his fright, "Don't trouble yourself; you have enough to do."
"Don't talk rubbish," Severus was almost shouting at him, his eyes dark with fury, speaking as if he were a child, "You ought to be more careful. What if I had not been here? You would be dead!"
Regulus straightened, indignantly, "Don't talk to me as if I were one of your students, Severus. Pardon me for having a little faith in human kindness."
"Yes, your naivety will be your undoing," Severus was looking rattled too, as he carefully corked the bottle he was holding, "From now on, only touch food and drink you have purchased yourself."
"Yes, Master."
"Don't make jokes! Have you received any letters recently? Anything to cause concern?"
Regulus' quickly averted his eyes and then almost cringed; could there be any other movement that would have given him away so easily. Severus' eyes narrowed; "Where? Let me see it."
"I don't have it anymore. I destroyed it."
"Regulus!" Severus , with a shake of his head, lifted the spell he had placed over the room earlier and strode to the door. He called down to the Greeter at the end of the hall and wasted no time in getting to the point; "Has there been any unusual persons down this corridor today?"
"No, Sir. Not that I've seen."
"Mr Black was just now almost poisoned!"
The Greeter, Elena Fitzherbert, turned wide eyes on Regulus, full of concern, "Shall I call for one of the Healers?"
"What for?" Severus' tone was clipped, "You think this is how he would look if he had been poisoned? Obviously he has not consumed it!"
"Severus," Regulus spoke reproachfully, as the girl shied back from Severus' fury.
"I want to see the register of everyone who has entered and left the building today. And anyone who may have seen any suspicious figures in this part of the Foundation, send them to me so I may interview them."
"Send them to Mrs Tonks' office," Regulus spoke up, stepping up beside Severus, "She will deal with it," he looked at Severus pointedly.
Miss Fitzherbert nodded quickly and hurried off to give the message.
"I will deal with this, Regulus –"
"No, Andie can deal with it," Regulus spoke firmly, for he knew he had to be strong if he were to win this argument, "You don't doubt she would take the issue seriously, do you? Besides, you have already said you'll investigate the wine. And there's also the project to work on. Let Andie and I deal with finding the culprit."
Severus held his look, before he said, more calm now, "Very well. But I wish to know when the culprit is discovered; and whom that person is. Also, you should contact the Prewet boy – just in case."
"It wasn't them, they wouldn't sign it if it were," Regulus said, assuredly.
"True, but they may know something."
"There are more pressing matters," Regulus said, though he couldn't help but feel he wasn't entirely honest with regards to his own feelings with that remark. As the minutes went by and what had happened sunk in further, he found himself becoming agitated. Though what for? His mind sneered at him; it's not as if you don't deserve it. He quickly shook that thought away, focusing on Severus; "I'll try and find out Lucius' whereabouts when I speak with Narcissa tonight. For now, I should go and inform Andie of what has happened." He walked past him and opened the door, making his way out.
Severus only nodded, his attention on the bottle in his hand, "Yes. Yes, but Regulus –" Regulus turned at his friend's softer tone, " – be careful."
Regulus couldn't help but smile at the genuine concern in his voice; "Don't worry about me."
But he knew the statement was pointless, because from the look on Severus' face the concern he had already been feeling towards him was only likely to increase dramatically following this incident.
Well, Regulus mused, at least he doesn't have to work so hard to keep his mind off Lily Potter now.